I'd like to add one caveat to the saying "If you wanted to, you would". Because of all kinds of mental roadblocks such as grief, ADHD, perfectionism, OCD, I think for many people "If you want to, you'll find a way" is a bit gentler and more open ended. I do understand that the second option is not as much of a "kick-in-the-rear", though.

I feel that what's blocking us is the painful, acute awareness of how perfect the idea is before it becomes real. In our head, it's safe, it's *everything*, it is witty, funny, deep, it has perfect equilibrium of everything. Then, we touch the paper and we inevitably make mistakes. We make something clumsy, imperfect, uglier. And we KNOW it's imperfect. We are painfully aware of how a good book feels. So we are feeling unprepared to write, not-good-enough-to-write-yet and we do side quests: workshops, drafts, drafts of drafts, outlines. So it's easier to abort the mission and mourn the dream than to give birth to a full-blown failure. No one wants to butcher their dear art, even knowing than the next one will be better. In my case, it's really hard to reopen the document and take it as it is, tweak and and then decide when it's not perfect, but *good enough*. I believe writing is way easier for nacissists because they can believe in themselves long enough for it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, at least sometimes. And grief is sometimes easier than hope. Grief is a defeat, it means the journey ended. Hope is the state of vulnerability, to hope is to dare. This is so f*cking vulnerable position, especially if you care. So I've decided to frame it differently: not focus on making something perfect, but on making something brave.

FACT: my friend started writing a book (and has a trilogy lined up) when they were 17. We are now 32 and they have only just given me the proof copy to read. It's really good but, don't put time limits on stuff ! They had written 2/3rds of it by the time they were 21 but couldn't get round to writing the last 3rd / refining the first bit until they were in their 30s.

Hi, Leena! I've been fortunate enough to be a bestselling novelist for many years. And while you've certainly put a lot of thought into this situation and you know yourself well enough to make the right decisions for you, I just wanted to pass along a little advice from the far end of this road (for you and for anyone else reading the comments who might be similarly struggling to write their first books.) I don't know any novelist, myself included, who wrote a good book on their first or second try. The majority of novelists take several runs at it before they finally get their shit together and produce a book that anybody else would enjoy reading. Even "debut" novelists virtually never see *the first book they wrote* get published as their debut. Most of them have already written two or three or six or twenty novels of varying degrees of merit before they end up with one they can sell. It's incredibly intimidating and difficult to write your first few books because it involves the juggling of many different skills, all of which are new to you... character work, dialogue, pacing, plot construction, metaphor, putting in enough description without going overboard, etc. It's a lot. And it's too much for anyone to expect themselves to get it right on their first attempt. Or their fourth attempt. Or whatever. You can read about these things and listen to podcasts about them and take master classes until you're blue in the face, but the only thing that really teaches you how to do them is... practice. But the more you practice, the easier it becomes, and the more mistakes you allow yourself to make, the more you learn and the faster you improve. Voice in particular is something that just TAKES TIME. And practice. And tons of reading, so you're exposing yourself to many other voices, finding the features of style that appeal most to you. Nobody hits on their voice with their first manuscript. In fact, It took about 30 novels under my belt before I felt that I'd arrived at my distinctive voice. It's possible that you missed the idea. And that's okay. As you pointed out with your Elizabeth Gilbert quote, ideas come and go. And if you haven't read Gilbert's book Big Magic, you absolutely should... it will clarify the notion of ideas as self-contained entities that come to people and leave them again until they find the right person to convey them. It's true--ideas do that. I've experienced it myself, many times. Every writer I know has experienced it. Maybe your original idea left you. Maybe you missed it. That's fine. Another idea might come to you again, and maybe when it does, the timing will be right for you to write it, even though writing a book is hard and you're still pretty new at it. Open yourself to the possibility that the right idea might come to you at the right time. Or maybe this idea will return to you in a better, more refined, more timely form. Stay open to that chance. Stranger things have happened. But I do think, if you're asking yourself, "Maybe I need to drag it backwards by its tail," then you should try just that. At least give it a try. When it comes to the arts, I've always found that your gut never steers you wrong. I do think that you've probably been putting too much pressure on yourself to be good at this. (MOST aspiring writers do!) Nobody is good at this when they're new. Nobody is good at anything when they're new. It's fine to write like shit, and it's fine to suck. It's even good to suck. Failing is how we get better at things. I'd be happy to chat with you any time about writing stuff if you feel you could use some guidance. Hit me up on Instagram @thelibbiegrant and I'll give you whatever advice I can.

Hi! Full time author here and long time watcher and Gumptioner! I really feel you on the 'poetry feels more manageable to draft'. Short form gives that completion feeling that we all need, espceially as a dopamine-chasing ADHDer lol. I knew I wanted to write a novel, but I just couldn't finish a draft, no matter how passionate about it I was to begin with. Then I saw this quote from Ray Bradbury: “Write a short story every week. It's not possible to write 52 bad short stories in a row.” I wrote short stories, then novellas, then longer prose and finally, I finished and published a full length novel. Writing a novel is a skill that is separate to the skill of crafting words like poetry is and I don't think I had ever realised that I needed to actually practice the whole process multiple times before I could do it well enough to be pleased with the final thing (as pleased as anyone ever is with their work anyway, imposter syndrome, hi, I'm the problem it's me.) As for the 'staring and not enjoying it', there's some truth to that right, we do need to do the hard work of sitting, thinking and eventually writing, but there's nothing to say you have to make it a punishment like that. I personally think the philosophy of 'I need it to flow or else I can't write' just doesn't work for me, but the flowing is the best bit for sure. You can just have those moments and enjoy them if that's what you prefer. "There's more writers than readers" - sure, but there's also a reader for every book. Some readers read 100s of a books a year. Your book will be *someone's* favourite book that week, month, or year or ever. That's a pretty cool feeling. It's not egotistical to know that some people will love your work, it's just predicting a market, just as you do with KZfaq videos or social media posts. You have a rough idea of who will enjoy it before you release it to the world. If the answer is only you, then that's fine too. Not every project is for publishing. It's fine to have vault projects that sit in an opened file.

Same here with a screenplay. When i tell myself "i don't have to do it, there is no obligation", it starts being fun again. Also thinking i can only do it for myself instead of others. This hits homeeee. Great video thank you!

Would you ever consider turning your guide to positive panic videos into a book? A positive, kooky book about how to deal with climate change on a personal level that also gives the reader the facts in a way that doesn’t absolutely crush their soul is something I would love to read. And it has to have leopard print in some form, of course 😀

My opinion: you only have so much time. You must prioritize. I cannot train for a marathon while also reading a book every week and making the crafts I want to make and also writing a novel. In each season of life, you can have 1 or 2 priorities for your free time and that's ok! You can pick up other things in other seasons. Maybe that novel is just waiting for you to have some more experience and then suddenly you will feel the need to write it. ❤

I highly recommend the KZfaqr Struthless for pursuing creative goals. He wrote the damn book he wanted to, set up an animation studio, built his youtube channel and is still setting goals and reassessing them.

In a book I read, there was the story of somebody who had started their PhD dissertation, stopped writing it and kept it in their drawers for years, always thinking "I'll finish it some day" And even though she felt bad every time she thought about it, it was a very familiar feeling: in a world and a life where everything is changing all the time, we crave constants. So knowing exactly what you are going to feel when you think about this one thing, even if it is a feeling of guilt or any other bad feeling can give us this deeply craved feeling of stability

Leena, I think you are brilliant and I want you to know that your voice MATTERS and has impact-- your channel has positively impacted my life in so many ways. I don't eat meat anymore because of you, I haven't bought fast fashion for years because of you, and I'm comfortable talking to the people in my life about my values because of you. All this to say--your voice is worthwhile and I hope that these very real creative struggles don't override that very basic truth. Secondly, you didn't ask for my advice, but I have an idea for you. You're excited about this world, the characters, the ROOMS your characters are in. What if you tried this from another angle... as a screenplay?! This might allow you to PLAY around with this story, explore the world you've been so excited about for years in a new format and arrive at the plot naturally, without the pressure of figuring out a prose style and stuff. Just an idea. I believe in you and am grateful to be a gumptioner!

This gave me the kick in the pants that I needed to schedule a horse riding lesson. "If I wanted to, I would." I literally paused to make the phone call. Thank you!

I think being an adult beginner can be scary for a lot of us in a lot of different situations, but I think that’s going to be especially true for you. You’re a beginning novelist but you’ve read SO many novels that you have a great eye for what amazing writing is, and that’s going to make you painfully aware of your own beginner-ness. Basically, you DO know what you don’t know, and that’s never a pleasant feeling. It’s going to be really easy to be really hard on yourself! I’m sending positive thoughts your way whether you write it or not ❤️

During the pandemic I finally had the time, space, and creativity to write 100 000 words. It turned into a fully formed posted fanfiction. Very few have ever read it. But that's ok. I wrote it for me, and it is out there now ❤

Yes! Talk out your idea over a microphone on speech to text in Google docs and then see if you’re excited about outlining it next. Step by step. That way you don’t self edit yourself out. ❤

This video felt like a real life visualisation of what goes on in my brain at all times 😂

i'm only 5 minutes in so this may be premature but Leena doing All The Things around a Thing without Actually Doing The Thing is a full ADHD mood

That 'I missed it' point really hits hard. I have a lot of projects that I get to 80% and then abandon, but always promise myself I'll get back to. I saw a career coach a few years ago and she made me write goodbye letters to my abandoned projects. It hurt, but it mostly worked. I found there was one I just couldn't say goodbye to so I've kept it in my little pocket, and can come back to it when I fancy, without the guilt of the shoulda woulda coulda.

I think what hit home for me and what you also in some way put in a video: I want to be a writer of a quality that I can't achieve without putting a lot of work and hours in, dragging myself through mediocrity. I don't know your experience, but i recently realized what perfectly describes mine: I love words, i love sentences and i love the way Edith Wharton puts those two together, but the sentences I write are not the ones I want to see written by me. My skill is not where my thought is and I can't suffer through it, because my love for words is not so much in the story they describe, but in a quality of art they're creating describing that story.

as another person with a dream to write a specific book for many years without actually writing that book, i recently read an essay by carmen maria machado ("on writing and the business of writing") that totally changed how i feel about this question and made me think that perhaps the biggest barrier is that the book is not ready yet, or i am not yet ready to write the book that i ultimately want to write. i know that the book i would have written years ago would be worse in many ways than the book i would write today -- and that growth didn't happen by forcing myself to write on a set schedule and feeling miserable the whole time. i dont think that becoming financially independent or knitting a sweater or learning to do taxes are things we've done *instead of* writing our books; i think they are the things that, in nonlinear and unpredictable ways, *allow* us to write our books, the way they (and we) ultimately want them to be written. and i think if we really want to but we're not, maybe that means there's still more work for us to do off the page before we're ready. here's the part of the essay that stood out to me so much: "You only get to debut once. I cannot tell you how often I’ve repeated this my students; it’s probably the advice I deliver the most. Because it’s true! Would you rather rush a first book to publication and have it be, I don’t know, just okay? Or would you rather it be described thusly: 'Here's a first novel that sounds as if the author has been treasuring it up all her life, waiting for it to form itself.' "That quote is from Anatole Broyard in the New York Times, reviewing Marilynne Robinson’s debut novel Housekeeping. I remember seeing that quote on my copy of Housekeeping, which I bought right after I moved to Iowa, and being really taken with the idea that a debut literary project is an expression of a specific kind of self that will no longer exist after the debut comes out. That you spend a lifetime with a book gathering up inside of you, and you only get one chance for that book, specifically, to emerge."

Whenever I think of goals unmet, things I say I want to do but never seem to do, I think of “in my mind” by Amanda Palmer. “I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be” ❤

I relate to everything you said in this video so HARD. I started writing a book in 2019. I was really excited about it, determined to work on it. Then the pandemic happened. I kept pushing through, trying to write. In 2021 I took a break from it, and when I came back to it I decided it was going to be a television series instead. I started adapting it, writing the episodes. And then so many stressful life things happened, and that was the perfect excuse not to write. And now, on the other side of those stressful life things, I've realized I just don't want to go back to it. I am also in your "in the middle" camp. "If I wanted to I would" vs "catching the right story at the right time". Either way I slice it right now, I have to let this story go, and see what comes through in the (terrifying) empty space it leaves behind. I wish you all the best of luck in deciding what to do with your story. It's never an easy decision! Maybe take a deliberate break from it (and tell yourself you're NOT working on it right now) and see what happens. Does your brain flood with ideas the second you tell yourself you can't write it? Or does it quiet, and make room for a new beast for you to capture? Thank you for another thoughtful, thought-provoking video! ❤

I've always wanted to write my own book since I was 6 or 7 and I actually used to spend every evening just writing. But I realized I've always lacked a genuinely good idea so I've often written pages and pages basically about nothing, because I still enjoyed the very process although I didn't really have anything to say. Now I made peace with the fact I don't have a lively imagination and I quite enjoy when people and friends give me their stories and ideas and I can just focus on putting them down in words. Maybe we have this idea of the writer as someone who should make the whole product from start to end, but we do not apply the same to other fields. Same thing as someone who likes to sew but doesn't care about designing clothes. So here's my suggestion: you could try to find a writer you like or you consider suitable and try to write a four-handed book!

I spent the last 5 or 6 years wishing I'd stuck to doing things I began when i was a teenager (music, writing, video production) and this video is a reminder that it's never to late to start again, and equally fine if those things have passed us by and to move on to new things if we think its time to do so. Thanks Leena :)

I think what is stopping me from doing things I want to do (journaling, gardening, crocheting, etc) is tied in to potentially having adhd (so i have to learn strategies for that) and then also struggling with being a beginner at things. Struggling and being bad at something feels like such a big obstacle I just want to be good at everything already lol

I spent 10 years writing a book trilogy - it took so much time, commitment and emotional labor to get it finished but it was worth it for the sheer joy that I felt immersing myself in the world and the insane connection I feel with the characters. The thing I can't bring myself to do is actually try to get it published...

I am only a second into this video but my first immediate thought when reading this headline was LEENA YOU DID WRITE A BOOK! A beautiful pink blazing book of poetry that is sitting on my shelf right now that I will return to with time and time again!

I write novels (not ones with giant advances, but with small advances!) & I teach writers, & I loved listening to this. I think it's going to be one I share with developing writers. Thank you!

This was such a cathartic chat, I felt like we were in dialogue the whole way through and I might have to send you a voice note about it all lol

I loved that you quoted Elizabeth Gilbert because so much of what you talked about reminds me of her book Big Magic (which I re-read once a year and still makes me feel a certain kinda way). She actually talks in the book about how Brene Brown told her that she hates physically writing books even though she loves the research and even the editing and the final product, but the act of sitting down and writing it, and Elizabath suggest she stop working against herself, record herself speaking her chapters in a voice note and then try and type it all out in one go, while listening to the recording. Basically, writing doesn't have to look the same for everyone. In the book Elizabeth goes on to talk about how Brene took the advice when it came time for her next book and the process was so much smoother and more fulfilling. I think the world does need your art Leena, and we're all cheering you on to write this thing that obviously sparks something in you. We're also cheering you on if you decide it's not for you. Best of luck from another hopeful author who is struggling to get her book written!

Gosh I do love you Leena! I am in a somewhat similar situation, I'm in the middle of my PhD and trying to figure out whether academia, something I've dreamed about for years, is what I really want to pursue and am suited for. I'm currently dealing with the fact that for the first time in my life I'm trying hard at something everyday and still struggling, which feels like a failure. Some parts of this video brought a tear to my eye! I don't have the answers either but this felt like a warm friendly hug. Thank you for existing on the internet and sharing your thoughts with us! 💕

Oooof the conversation about prioritizing skills over accolades hit me right in the gut. I’ve not had the option to NOT realize that doctors, food, safety from the weather, etc isn’t a given because of my life circumstances, and you just made me realize that the fact I’ve needed to be working on the material skills of making life happen alongside the art this whole time isn’t true for everyone, and that’s part of why I sometimes feel I’m not as far along in making the dream things as I’d like to be. It’s not just that “they had a safety net” in the abstract, or that they had resources to make the art itself happen, it’s that they had years of their brains being free of this truth, which is heavy and yes, time consuming because it comes with skills and workarounds that need to be acquired and maintained. Shit. I’m going to have to take a minute with that. But on the other hand, art that acknowledges this fundamental truth of our human vulnerability is certainly needed. And it can only come from people who’ve grappled with that truth. So, thanks for sparking some big thoughts today.

The amount of ADHD energy coming from this video is absoultely amazing. It's nice to see someone who has similar issues trying to write a book so I can learn from you. (I'm completely assuming your diagnosed with ADHD, this is the first video I have seen of yours but if you dont have ADHD I'll be shocked)

I have always loved designing houses. I started sketching actual floorplans since I was about 10 years old and continued through all my school years. When I applied for other schools, building/architecture was always my second choice that I never ended up studying. Now I know that designing houses is just a hobby for me. A real creative outlet since I don't make any other kind of art (except sing in a choir). I build most of the houses in the Sims 4 and I'm by far not the best builder, but the joy and satisfaction I get for finishing a project that I'm proud of and have spent some time on, is priceless.

You sound like a writer to me! I think you might be psyching yourself out because you are a book critic and have good taste and so it's hard to not be too hard on yourself when you are surrounded by greatness. For that very reason, I think it's good every once in a while to read or skim a 'poorly' written book (by whatever your standards are) to remind yourself that writing a book is humanly possible and you need only land somewhere in between that and your favorite writers. I have 'office hours' where I need to sit down and write to get my page count up but most of my best writing comes from scribbling down notes in my phone whenever the mood strikes.

I'm not writing now but I have written several novel rough drafts over the years. You said, "I don't want to sit alone, silently, for hours, in my own little world..." And I thought, "ooh, that's what I want to do." 😂 Different strokes.

this video is SO meaningful to me. for my entire life, being a writer has been the only way I understand my identity. And I think the euphoria I felt whenever I wrote a poem, or when I published a collection, was at least partially caused by my temporary elation that I might have proved it was true. I really am a writer. But I haven't written since 2019, and I get massive anxiety every time I attempt to. now im questioning if Im really a writer at all, if writing a novel is even possible for me. and Ive thought nearly every single thought that you vocalized in this video. I feel so much less alone in my pit of self doubt. thanks leena

It sounds like you should definitely try dictating your novel! I have this dream of recreating a traditional dress from my home region. Unfortunately, it will require quite some research, visiting local museums (I live about 100 km away from there), researching fabrics and so on. And I became a mother a year ago, so... But I still have hope I will have the time and ressources one day 😊

The term "creative self sabotage" is so funny 😂 I definitely relate to these feelings you discussed, especially around 6:48. Thanks for this video, I enjoy the format of hashing out thoughts to a conclusion ❤

The low-key 'shed I've built myself' being pointed out-- 🤯OH YEAH! SO COOL!

Even if "the world doesn't need your novel," your novel needs you. It cannot exist without you, and the idea is yours for a reason. I'm working through this right now too, trying to be way more patient with myself. if you dreamt of writing a novel for so long, then the dream chose you. Trust your calling!

All of this rings true, with the added bit for me that clinical depression makes everything twice as hard. I'm finally getting to a point in my life where I think I might actually be able to really write something, and I'm so excited to be able to create again.

This hit me too hard 😭 I'm struggling so hard to reconcile the climate crisis with my creative pursuits. I keep being drawn back to creative writing and creative pursuits but I wish I was intrinsically more fascinated with something more useful and better for saving the world. I have no idea where and how to invest my time after university

I have a similar relationship with my craft: drawing and painting. I have some talent, but the drive isn’t consistent. I don’t study and practice consistently. I spend a lot of time in blank-page/tiny-doodle mode, though I’m technically capable of full-page detailed art. And I’ve tried leaving it behind along the same logic of “If you really wanted to, you would”. But every time I’ve tried to let go, it came back to haunt me. I’d find myself drawing on scraps of paper, with a growing itch to draw more. And when I give it a go, the muse starts to fly away as I start expecting and hoping for more. All your reasons are very relatable. Joy in the task, suitability for the craft, contribution to society, recognition, fair reward, flighty muse…. You’re one of us 🌷

Leena! I'm an artist and I'm currently doing a huge personal project, and while doing it, I realized we idealize our ideas so much that we feel so afraid and anxious to put that on paper that we are not able to do it properly, and then the end result does not fulfill our expectations and we get super sad and frustrated... maybe, if you reduce your expectations about the outcome of your novel, you will be able to create it with more ease and get into the flow of writing. we are all beginners in the matter of art, because each project is unique and has its own difficulties. :) hope u get your novel done someday, even if it doesn't come out perfectly

i think you would be able to write incredible non-fiction, Leena! you’re such a talented speaker with the words you use and the way you explain scary or intimidating things, i would love to read your words x

I fully support speaking your book while knitting!! I feel when I am stuck on something I'm writing just talking about my ideas helps so much and especially while doing something else with my hands hahaha

I'm so glad you mad this video. I highly relate (Why haven't I become an artist? Why haven't I made any beautiful paintings yet? Why do I find it so much easier to work on seventeen thousand other things that I love and enjoy rather than this one thing I thought I wanted most of all?) Thanks for making me feel a little less alone and a little less like I'm failing.

i can't describe how you've literally changed the trajectory of my life at a few pivotal points with your videos but just know that you have and it's crazy.

I relate so much to 2 of your points: - the idea that "other hobbies/interests are more urgent so let's push the creative stuff away for later", it kinda hits home with me because I used to draw a lot and it started to get in conflict with my growing minimalist side, which did not stand all of those boxes full of sheets of paper that were not looked at for months (so "that took space while being useless") and I started inconsciously drawing less partly because of this. In my to-do list, I also always have "ecological tasks" that have the priority but that take time and mental energy so none left for creative stuff 😢 - the poem passing by and you have to write it in time to catch it otherwise you've missed it: doesn't happen frequently but I absolutely relate to this feeling of an idea incoming into your brain and you have to freeze and really concentrate to grab it so that it doesn't escape. This idea was so nicely written !!

As an artist and content creator this resonates so hard! I often go back and forth between wanting to be a serious artist who shows in galleries and is mysterious online, but am super happy with my current set up of selling prints and stickers online in exchange for a livable income and freedom. Loved your thoughts

Hi Leena, I too am a poet who is trying to write a novel. The thing that scares me the most about it is the time it will take- if a poem goes nowhere then I’ve lost a day, but if a novel doesn’t then I’ve wasted…years, maybe? The idea of ‘holding my nerve’ long enough to do the work feels like such a risk. But at the same time my story really intrigued me and I want to spend time in it, which has kept me coming back to it after breaks etc.

Your comment about a historical precedent for your job was so interesting because I do think there is one--a really good columnist. I work in print journalism and some of the best columnists I've read and worked with have some of the strong attributes that make your channel such a gem--a tremendous curiosity, willingness to research and find the truth, and the communication skills to combine those with consistency and interactiveness that builds a community. And a community particularly that is better informed and more hopeful. Loved this deep dive. Very thought-provoking and kind of inspiring in a big-picture way for those creative pursuits I have been putting off.

My dear, so few people get what I mean when I say it, but often if I want something very much, I want it so much that I can’t do it. So, it my case, it’s often “If I didn’t want it so much, I most certainly would. Now I want it and I’m paralysed”. I was told it’s an ADHD thing, and I do indeed have diagnosed ADHD. Still haven’t found a way out though.

I quit my PhD three times, for years at a time. I took up sewing and dressmaking too, as well as a job teaching children. Ultimately thought, the mountain was worth climbing a fourth time, and the achievement of getting the thesis bound and placed in the library, after the pandemic hell was over, was absolutely worth the trouble. The most difficult things are generally worth doing even when you are faced with alternatives and options. There's always a reason (or ten) NOT to do something, and of course there's a wisdom in quitting something if it doesn't love you back. But - sunk cost fallacies aside, it pays dividends to push through the pain...your investment in literature and creative writing is tremendous...why not get the darned thing written - even if it's just average and not your magnum opus! ❤

Today i woke up thinking about how I've 'wasted' years without finishing my own comics. That's been my dream since I was a child. Luckily since 21 years old, -I'm 28 now- I achieved working as a freelance illustrator till this day. Thou it's part of my dream, I can not get the frustration out of my head of each day passing and me not having materialized my ideas. I am glad this video popped up on my feed. Thanks for sharing! It makes it somewhat better to know I'm not the only one who goes though this thing, that makes me feel a failure. I wish you the best, and hope you can finish your book! Best regards

I love reading poets writing prose, but (except for Sylvia Plath), they are usually best at writing series of essays, or loosely-linked stories. The beauty is in each paragraph, the whole story doesn't matter so much.

Oh my, this video resonated so hard with me. I'm 27 and I've been trying to graduate from University since 2019 lol. ALL the cons you said, have been in my head more than once, but the pros, I never think about them. It's been a lot and I'm sure I'm too hard on myself to the point my psychologist said I've had traumas with the University. Thanks for the pep talk and the catharsis, I really needed it 💜

I feel like you're very focused on the final outcome rather than the process of trying new art forms. I like to think about tossing coins into a pot when developing new skills and ideas. Even if it doesnt lead to anything the scraps can be used for other things. I'm sure what you've written is really good not "trashy" and I can say I'd definitely want to read it.

So relatable and so refreshing, thank you thank you. I recently had some time off work and I envisioned myself painting every day and finally 'becoming an artist' at the grand age of 27. I've always been interested in art and I did well at school, but I've never been that kind of impassioned visual creator who absolutely has to express themselves through painting. It's not a compulsion I guess?? It's not my life. It's so confusing to be told you're good at something and to love that thing but not feel it as your calling. I recently did a portraiture class and I surprised myself at what I was capable of but was left feeling expectant of some kind of reward or external validation. It's so engrained in us to make it a career or to make something complete and final and majestic. Everything's a business or a product. I think I'm happy to be a person who simply makes art when they feel like it

Such a relatable video, especially the point of “if I wanted to, I would.” I loved the idea of being an engineer and became very attached to that idea. But after many years of training, I realised that I don’t actually like what I’m doing. I realised this at an engineering conference surrounded by people who were truly excited by the talks and workshops, while I couldn’t wait for the day to end. Realising that it’s not that I can’t do it, but simply that I don’t want to and there are things in this life I’d truly love to do has helped me accept this “failure” of not being the engineer I always dreamed of. And also realising that much of my desire to be an engineer was coated in ego and a desire to appear “successful” rather than doing what I actually like. Thanks for sharing!!

Hearing the quote "writing is mostly editing" helped me take away the pressure of writing perfectly. It allowed me to use speech to text and write through scribbled notes (knowing I can reorganise my thoughts into a coherent plot later)

Love this video. As someone who has always had a way with words in my native Swedish, and have been repeatadly told that I should consider writing, I don't think I ever will, because I do not enjoy long form writing. I like to make little scenes in my head, and that's pretty much it. It took me a while to find ways to channel that into creative outlets I enjoy, but now I larp and write fanfiction. There is no money in either, and I won't leave much of a tangible legacy, but it's whwat I want to do. Not to overstep in my parasocial relationship with you, but I have watched you for years, and it sounds to me like you are a poet and a youtuber trying to force yourself to be a novelist. That doesn't sound fun. If you can live off the KZfaq, then maybe just be a poet? And start seeing yourself as one, for gods sake, you are a published poet. Embrace the label!

Fully support the idea of using the Dictate function on Word to speak a trash draft while knitting! 💖💖

Somehow your videos always come at the right time for me ❤ thank you Leena, you awesome human!

Wanting to write and trying to write and struggling to do it is totally normal--often for years. I was in the "trying to write a novel" stage from 2008 until 2012, and only in 2013 did I finally finish a draft of something... the fourth or five thing I tried writing? It took a further 4 years to get a book deal, but now, 4 years on from that, I'm finishing up my 5th... which is my way of saying "you can do it!!!" But you worked in the industry, so you get it. There are many paths to publishing, and a lot of pressure and imposter syndrome and Stuff that looms large. Ultimately, my thoughts on all your thoughts are: just do the thing if you want to do the thing. I do think it's helpful to Write The Thing if the thing is itching at you. The only way out is through--ie: you'll know never if the book will work until you try? I'm an optimist... I say do it! I will say: I loathe drafting. I don't enjoy it, generally speaking. I've been able to create "hacks" that create some enjoyment. It's one reason I can't/don't outline everything ahead of time, as discovery writing is the fun part. But I adore editing--you might find you also love editing? So when you love the back half of the process, you have to figure how to make drafting work so you can "get to the good part." Worth a go?

Speak to text software would be cool. My mom had some when she went back to college. I think it was called Dragon Speak.

This video/rant/slap in the face was so very timely that I avoided it. I knew it would call out some of my experiences. It haunted me until I watched it. And now it haunts me in a different way…. I went through a masters program for a creative field. More than a decade of professional artistic development. It’s what I needed then but I don’t anymore…nor do I want it. The central truth is that not only did I need the act of creating, but I fully buttressed my sense of self with the validation others gave. When the pandemic hit I stopped creating because I didn’t have the external affirmations. All the reasons Leena listed ring true, but none more than the blunt fact that I liked the idea of myself more than the nitty gritty of doing.

so many of the points run true for me! I love having your support in finding the language for many things that are going on with me. Thank you Leena

Honestly so much of what you're saying sounds like me talking to myself about artistic goals I thought I had (maybe still have?). It's great to feel seen so yes, this has been a very helpful video to me.

It's funny because this showed up in my recommended videos feed and I've never seen you before in my life and I'm trying to edit the first draft of my first novel and it is a pain in the ass. I took 4 years of creative writing in high school and studied it a bit in college and did my own research via youtube and STILL feel lost. It's definitely a learn as you go kind of skill to write a novel. I'd definitely say power through it till you have a finished product and work on the next big idea. Let it be your project and don't worry about publishing it. Then it doesn't have to be "good" or "shelf worthy". It's just your baby and you finished it and you can say it's done. Bring in a friend to help write. That's always an option.

I love your rambling. I think sharing your thoughts on your creativity are helpful, because sometimes creative people can feel very alone in their anxiety.

So funny while I was listening to you, basically speaking my mind list vortex, I thought…speak it, record it and knit! And don’t stop writing poetry in between this experiment bc it’s clear you love it! Best of luck to you…to all of us!

I was literally just about to suggest you dictate your book whilst knitting. I'm glad we came to the same conclusion at the same time. I have been writing a script style story for more then 10 years. It's stupidly long and I have no end point in mind. At first I wrote it as a creative outlet. Then it merged in to a "I wonder if someone could adapt this in to an anime" then in to a "maybe I could adapt it in to a graphic novel once I've finished writing it". And finally it has returned to a creative outlet. I rarely write it nowadays due to lack of time and motivation but when I do I remember how much fun it is to write and I feel like I have so much knowledge about each and every character that they could be real people. I don't know if I'll ever finish it but I love it just for the fact that it has been by my side for over 10 years.

I have this painting that I haven’t finished that was supposed to be a wedding present for a friend. There’s a lot of reasons I haven’t finished it. Right before the wedding we moved last minute and we were so overwhelmed and there wasn’t enough time to finish it. Then our new place was unorganized for a year and a half because we had to downsize and I didn’t have the mental capacity to go through the stuff and get the apartment together. In addition, the painting is in acrylic and my normal medium is watercolor. There’s a lot going on in the painting and I don’t know how to do it in the style I was imagining and I’m not sure if I should just do a different style. Or try doing it in watercolor. Or just do something else completely. So now their 2 year anniversary is coming up and I haven’t touched it since before the wedding. To add to the pressure, my friend who the painting is for is also an artist and I feel like she could do a better job of it than I could even though I know that’s not how she thinks. Also, I’ve been having issues with not wanting to get out of my comfort zone. 😮‍💨 But it feels good to get out all my feelings about it and maybe now I’ll be able to work on it.

God this was like listening to my thoughts through a lovely microphone. Perfectionism is a nightmare isn't it? I've recently started learning to play the bass and I regularly have to tell myself that I'm a learner and to not expect great things. I think sticking at anything is such a skill in itself. Perseverance? I don't know him! I guess we can just enjoy doing things for the sake of doing them, no matter how badly (in my case) it goes!

Oooo thanks Lena! 13:20 just helped me to remember one of my favorite movies; ‘The man who invented Christmas’- so good! 😍

This was incredibly interesting for me thank you! I’m about to leave my job in a couple of weeks to dedicate myself more fully to being an illustrator (and a picture book author ~one day~). I really appreciated listening in, thank you. 😊

oh how comforting to know that I'm not the only one with a complete/incomplete embarrassingly autobiographical novel in the depths of my google drive, written in the early mornings of 2018/2019, that i told a lot of people about until I went back to revise it fizzled out. I just tell myself that I got the bad book out of my system, so that it's out of an eventual good book's way.

Oh my gosh I relate to this video so much. Thank you! I had to take a long pause on my creative goals because it was just too much pressure on myself. Oh boy do I feel this so much! And I would go ahead and write the one that's more exciting to you now. Or someone recommended having two creative projects at once, so if you're sick of one you can chip away at the other, and vice versa. Good luck to both you and me!

Leena I was thinking you could dictate the book even before you said it! You’re fantastic at speaking, and you’ve already told the story (or the premise of it) many times to friends in the pub ☺️ I think it’s worth a try! Fab video, lots to think about, thank you xx

I can't get enough of that video. Why I have been doing a sculpture for 5 years and even though I am finishing it right now it doesn't feel like it or enough. I don't know about the hurdles of writting or the satisfaction you gent when you are done but a good friend of mine who is an author simply says that you stop working on a project when you hate it to much. Hopefully it is wrapped in a presentable format when you have reached this state.

I am currently putting off making a video game. I started strong, but quickly I realized that what I want is to be already good at making games, not have to expose myself by being bad at it until I get better. I have a habit of picking up a new hobby or skill, getting really good at one thing (e.g. granny squares when crocheting) and then never trying anything new with it because I don't have the patience or self confidence to want to be 'bad' again.

This video resonates with me so much. I've also wanted to write book for years. I've always found it difficult to find the time. However, I started a creative writing class in January and I love it. The novel is still unwritten, although I have now started working on it. The best thing is that the class is an allocated time a week to write, and I am now writing regularly. The novel may never get written, but I love the classes and it's a step in the right direction.

I am growing up transgender and gay in an immigrant household and as soon as I can safely do so as an adult, I will be publishing a memoir of my experience with diary entries, jumbled queer thoughts, firsts, feelings, and I do feel that I have something important to say. I also tried to write a novel but I gave up, and I had to come to terms with the fact that I enjoy reading novels but do not enjoy crafting my own stories. I always wanted to believe I had a large imagination but I'm slowly realising that I need to write non-fiction, I need to write about what's directly important to me, I need to write poetry, articles, speeches, and memoirs I guess. I am just not a fiction writer. I do not enjoy crafting my own storylines in that way.

This video was right up my alley, Leena. I also have wanted to write a book. My whole life, being a novelist seemed like my fate. I had a great idea like four years back and I wrote parts of it and it was beautiful and dark and gritty and of the moment, and it would be proof to anyone that mistreated or ignored me that I *was* brilliant and special and interesting. Now I just cannot care. I’m not the same person that was thinking of that idea and the world is a different world. Plus I never really knew how it would end. Additionally, as someone deeply perfectionistic, if it stays in my head it stays perfect and no one can criticize it. I keep a diary that I have turned into a blog (stream of consciousness is so much easier than the puzzle of a novel). I really haven’t written any fiction since the pandemic. I guess I also subscribe to the art as spiritual camp. Could I sit down and hack out a derivative piece of crap hat to say I have done it? Yes. Do I want to? No. And honestly maybe one day I will just write something fun and campy and escapist instead of a monument to my self-perceived genius. But, like you said, there are mor writers than readers and I don’t feel like pouring my energy into that when there are so many phenomenal novels out there already and I have a whole life to be busy living.

Omg this is exactly how I feel .. its like You said it out loud my inner thoughts. 🤭👀 It feel liberating hearing You talkin about it.. 💖

oh leena, i just watched the documentary ruth stone’s vast library of the female night tonight. you should see it- it’s online and it’s brilliant. happened to pick this video to listen to while i did dishes tonight, feels like serendipity.

I have thought about that story of catching the poem every day since I read Big Magic. How completely beautiful and devastating

It's interesting to hear you talking about not being able to move on to another book without making peace with this one. I've struggled with that for years and stopped writing because of it. Last year I finally decided that the book needed to exist, even if only for me, and started writing it. Partly motivated by the book, partly by the books that will be able to come after once this one is finally done.

This spoke to me so much. Thank you for sharing!

Yea this kinda thing haunts me most days. I was always known for being great at art and drawing. But after the sh1t storm of scraping through my illustration degree; undiagnosed adhd, unrelenting procrastination and a narc ex belittling me at every turn- I was (still am) clinically depressed and my whole artistic identity got stomped. The same people who sarcastically sneered “good luck with being an artist/illustrator”, now make me wanna cry when they say “do you still do your art? It was amazing!”. I don’t know why I can’t do any of that rn but I hope that I’ll pick it up again in the future…

Omg. Every single thing you brought up sounded like you were reading Truman Show-style about my own life. 😅 I personally found it very helpful that you were able to put into words something that I thought I was crazy for thinking. And not one specific thing, literally everything you said. I too am absolutely haunted by the stories that Liz Gilbert put in Big Magic about how creativity is more of an energy that you have to learn to be receptive to. Recently, I purchased the Artist’s Way and I’m trying to unblock myself so that I can give myself fewer excuses for why I haven’t been able to get in flow for like seven years. In my opinion, I believe that if several cultures have a similar belief, independent of each other, then there has to be something to it. Obviously that can open you up to a lot of questions about things like conspiracy theories and superstition and whatnot, but a lot of groups of people around the world, have beliefs around creativity being something that is sort of outside of ourselves, that we are a conduit for, as woo woo as that may sound. I find much more comfort in that notion than I do thinking that I have to muscle through it completely on my own. I also recommend Martha Beck books if you don’t mind the woo woo thing so much. ALSO, I’m jealous because those overalls are always out of stock when I go looking for them. Haha.

Great video! I think short stories are a really great way to generate new ideas, if you're looking for them. You can get that dopamine hit with short stories or flash fiction but they're still centred around plots and ideas, and in my eyes, ideas are a practice. Writing short fiction means seeing life through the lens of stories. People often say that they have 'a novel' in them but I think creatively inclined people have endless stories within them. I suppose it's just a matter of finding them :)

Also not to put you on blast but some of these sound like ADHD problems, as someone with ADHD there is a lot of creative stuff I want to make but instead spend my time embroidering. Also maybe think of your book as a gift for someone. As soon as something is a gift it is more important. This is all to say this problem is relatable

This was such a wonderful, clear-eyed and honest video! So many of your discussion points rang true - just in even that wider, human-condition way. For me personally, as I've gotten closer to being creative in the way I want to, the point about understanding when you've 'missed' and idea has been something I've embraced more and more. I used to just feel bad, but I'm better now at recognising: ok, this idea that I had & felt fresh, it's stale now (like, yeah I could try to eat it, but would I break my teeth & get a stomach ache??). It can either be let go, or if it was very important, it'll sit & reverberate somewhere in the far back of your soul and come back in some other form, if it needs to.

I'm so glad you had the voice recording epiphany, I was shouting out loud 'you don't need another hand!' 😂

Relate to all of this SO DEEPLY. I think my biggest barrier to finishing writing projects is my potential ADHD (which I'm hopefully getting diagnosed soon) which means my brain can't organise and hold thoughts in it for long. I can write for hours in hyperfocus but then if I go back the next day to continue, I have to re-read to get me back into the headspace and remember what's happening. This eats up a lot of writing time and energy even if I do manage to continue writing, but often I just get distracted perfecting what I've already written rather than actually writing anything new! I try to plan out stories but then I get bored having to write parts that don't interest me as much or are more complex. This makes me lose confidence and start doubting my abilities so I either give up, move onto a more fun scene or start something new entirely. The number of abandoned projects I have is obscene; the number of finished ones I can count on like one hand and they've only been possible because of deadlines forcing me to ask my (very generous and long-suffering) mum or sister for help. With more personal writing, I can't bear for anyone to see drafts though so I'm praying for some sweet ADHD medication to save my life lol as I've had to interrupt my uni year as I'm physically unable to finish a script for my Screenwriting class. I know you didn't ask for advice but as someone who has found this helpful in the past despite it being a deeply vulnerable and difficult to do, I think that collaborating with someone could help organise all these scattered drafts and ideas into one coherent story. I don't know much about the publishing industry so I'm not sure if this is a role that exists (do editors only come in when a draft is finished?) but would it be possible to either hire someone or ask a friend to go over things with you? I know novel-writing in particular is seen as a solitary thing where the creative genius struggles alone on their creation, but I'd argue this is a very ego-driven, capitalistic, individualistic way of doing things. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and adding another credit to your novel doesn't make it not your own original work. You can even say that you just want help with structure and motivation for example, but set the boundary that there are aspects of the story that you don't want to change or are particularly personal to you so to tread carefully when critiquing lol - and you don't have to take all feedback on board. I think so long as you both go into it understanding this is a process that will help you and it's not a personal attack then it could help you at least get back into the zone? Anyway, hope that makes sense and isn't totally missing the mark. Appreciate this video so much. Really affirming of my own experience and made me more hopeful for the future. I've always wanted to be a writer and it's so disheartening when I struggle so much, but seeing you here reminds me I have options. If things don't work out with the ADHD diagnosis, I'm excited to come back here and write a pros and cons list like you have and really dig into why I get so in my head about things and what it is I really want to do, what form will help me achieve my goals.

What has kept me from making functional ceramics is merely that the world doesn't need more mugs...there are too many already. But I think the actual poison is that I've stuck with functional ceramics because culture told me I need to justify an art career by meeting a "functional need." It just dawned on me after 12 years, I've always actually wanted to sculpt instead.🖤

I studied film directing in university. Covid started when I was in the editing process for my thesis short film. It's been 3 years and I haven't finished it even though there's so little to do left. But every time I remember it I get a pit in my stomach. I'm overwhelmed by the sad memories the project brings back and it feels vulnerable to create and publish something I already don't feel that proud of. Like some other comments said, I think I can identify what makes a good movie but my own skills aren't there yet and it's uncomfortable to go through the initial period of not being as good at something when I know it's not to the standard of what I would want to consume myself. And the more time that goes on the more pressure I put on myself that a film that takes so many years to complete should be amazing and mine won't be good enough to justify taking so long.