Lemmy went to a toy maker and he asked "what's that?" the man said "Motorhead action figures" Lemmy asked "where's the dick?" the man said "they don't have one" Lemmy said "not gonna get much action, is it?"

00:35 my reaction to every Motörhead song ever

Here's one of my favorites I've heard him tell. Jesus walks into an inn, hands the innkeeper 3 nails, and asks "can you put me up for the night?"

I really miss the guy. Wish he was still alive.

You missed a joke from the Guts and the Glory documentary: Lemmy - Whats 12 inches long and white. Phil - What Lemmy - Nothing *chuckles*

Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frogs legs with chicken breasts To be fair though, she had a lovely personality.

I was at a promotional event for the Bomber album and got Eddie, Phil and Lemmy to sign my jacket. Amongst all the patches on it Lemmy picked out the Blue Oyster Cult badge. He said , “This guy is really confused, he’s got an upside down question mark on his jacket”. Boom boom.

Lemmy was a natural comedian and having a sense of humour was a very high priority for him. I honestly believe he could have made it as a stand up.

those long jokes are dangerous but he does all right.

Lemmy is ubrecognizable without his stache.

The world needed people like Lemmy around when he was around! I wish he was still with us!

Lemmy was a huge Monty Python fan, and he would have been a great addition.

He embodies dad joke energy and I’m all for it

My favourite Lemmy joke: knock knock - who's there? Gestapo. Gestapo who? Ve vill ask de qvestions!

Lemmy was the perfect balance between old school and new school. This dull ass world will never see another legend quite like him ever again

Him yelling do you wanna buy a frog is great

I wasn't into any of these, but I know he's funny. He was on a show called Rock School (UK) once, and the kids were going on as a warm-up act. They asked him "What if they don't like us and boo after we've played?", Lemmy replies "Well you'd better start the next song quick!"

That copper and the 9 year old joke fucking killed me the way lemmy tells it ffs😂😂😂😂😂

I pissed myself laughing at the dead baby joke!

The "Supplies" joke really cracked me up .....

Jesus: Father! Old guy: PINOCCHIO!

He sure likes frogs

I was never a fan of Motörhead till 2015 a couple weeks before Lemmy died. I heard his voice singing anx I feelt not alone in this crazy fucking world. What a great Man, what a great Musician and Idol. Lemmy is a great inspiration not only for me but for millions. Thank you and Long live Motörhead!

“ Supplies!!! “ Dear God.... I laughed out loud at that one! Lol!

"Supplies!" Had me in tears

Yes! This part of the doc was the best. I remember watching when it aired and laughing SO much. He was one of the BADDEST MoFos to ever walk the earth...telling some of the corniest, silliest jokes I've ever heard. Awesome.

.:And Don't Forget The Joker ! Rest In Peace, Legend:.

Good lord... was Philthy sitting on a bar stool or was he, like, four feet tall!?!? He should be hangin' with Angus!

Damn, he was the dirtiest rock n roller and a kickass comedian too, R.I.P Lemmy

the frog ones got me ahahaha! RiP Lemmy

“DO YOU WANNA BUY A FROG?!?!” - Lemmy

Imagine the "Funny How" scene in Goodfellas with Lemmy as Joe Pesci😂😂

I really miss this guy. LONG LIVE LEMMY!!!!

Lemmy Kilmister was a 'funny uncle' to all of us.

Amazing man. Amazing spirit.

born to lose live to say bad jokes still cracks me up though hahaha

🤘🏻Love them and miss the live gigs so much. My whistling ears at night in bed remind me of them. RIP Lemmy, Philthy, Fast Eddie and Würzel. 🖤

Total legend. Miss ya Lemmy. I was at Heavy Metal Holocaust Port Vale in 91 and when he did the usual "you want it louder?" growl into the mic the crowd were like "er.....probably not.....?" Mate I went with got a migraine it was so loud. Bloody love Lemmy - and Motorhead were it man. It.

Proof that every comedian wants to be a rockstar and every rockstar wants to be a comedian

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TRANSCRIPTION OF 'Every Lemmy Kilmister Joke' in English. 0:00 (subtitles) Lemmy: "Well he's dead isn't he?" 0:12 Lemmy: "How do you sell a deaf guy a frog? DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG?" 0:18 Lemmy: "How do you make a dead baby float?" Off-camera: "How?" "Two scoops of ice-cream, two scoops of dead baby." 0:25 Already subtitled 0:39 Already subtitled 0:49 Fun fact: Lemmy has once checked into a hospital as Justin Case 0:50 Lemmy: "This cop comes around a corner and says 'Hello sonny!', and the kid says 'alright' y'know. He said 'what are you doing?', he said 'I'm looking for a whore'. He went 'how old are you?', he said 'I'm nine.' He said 'what do you want a whore for?', he said 'I want to get a disease.' He said 'what kind of disease?', he said 'A sexually transmitted one, officer.' He goes 'Well, what do you want to get a fucking disease for?', he said 'Well, if I get it, I go home and I fuck the babysitter and she gets it, and she fucks my dad and he gets it, and he fucks my mum and she gets it, and she fucked the gardener, and that's the cunt I'm after because he squashed my frog." 1:36 Lemmy: "Wanna hear a good joke then?" Off-camera: "Yeah" Lemmy: "Jesus's in heaven, right? Walking around, checking everybody out, y'know. It was his job, right? And everyone's fucking blissful, y'know? Halo and that. And he gets over to this little dark corner and there's a little fella there, this old guy, he's crying his fucking eyes out, right? And Jesus says 'Excuse me' he said. 'Listen, this is heaven do you understand?" and he said, right. 'This is special.' He said, "people go to church five times every Sunday, every week of their lives to get up here." He said, "We cant have people fucking crying, it's just gonna let the place down, y'know. I mean people are gonna start copying you and then where would we be?' y'know. And the old guy says 'I'm sorry', he said. I didn't mean to cause any trouble, but..." He said, 'when I was on Earth, y'know, I was just a poor carpenter and we had fuck all.' Y'know. 'me and the wife. And we had this little boy, and we were like that *gestures a sign of a strong relationship*. Y'know. He said *sighs*, 'I was hoping he would go into the carpentry trade with me.' Y'know. 'But he said when he was about thirty he said he had to go off on this mission with these 11 other guys into the desert, and I never saw him again." He said, "and I was hoping" he said, 'y'know, that when I came up here I would find him again.' Y'know. 'I looked all over the fucking place and I cant find him anywhere' he said. 'And its really cracking me up'. And Jesus with tears streaming down his cheeks goes 'father!' and the guy goes 'Pinocchio!'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This was a fucking nightmare to transcribe, and I had to write it twice because I closed the tab. Show less REPLY

Lemmy what a character! Love his personality

That nails joke xD

I love British humor. Benny Hill didn't have nothing on Lemmy.

We need more people like him

Okay Lemmy telling dead baby jokes is everything

One of the greatest people to ever walk the earth….it’s a shame there aren’t more people who were even “sorta” like him ….the world would be a better place

Hes why Ladies like toughguy/badboys ! He was like a "Biker OZZY".😆

Trick question. Lemmy is God

The boy's cunning plan to get back at his gardener, it wasn't needlessly complicated at all, what a young mastermind!

True rock and roll legend! Very funny man! I always have time to listen to motorhead 🤘🖤

RIP Lemmy. You were definitely one of a kind.

Man those quotes actually mean something,

I miss you my friend. Truly one of a kind. Rest in peace. I'll see you again someday.

"haha, fn excellent" bruh Lemmy you will always be part of my inspiration in life.

"wanna hear a good joke man?" 0:38 Damn near made me cry and idk why

still greatly missed Ian love from denmark

LEMMY going on his comedy routine at the start is fucking hilarious!🖤💚🖤

I have the metal hammer interview where he said that line about death being inevitable. Always stuck with me.

DO YOU WANNA BUY A FROG??!! So simple, yet better when Lemmy tells it

The best still clue how he lasted that long drink bottle jack a day and pack of smokes

The supplies one got me good

“DO YOU WANNA BUY A FROG” 🤣

He was quite wonderful

I used to work as teacher at a flight training college and there was a apprentice who was called Justin Case and I was taking the role call and when I got to his name I just laughed and said your parents must be legends 😃

Never was a Motorhead fan but I liked Lemmy and he seemed fun.

He's a good lad.

The STI one was fucking hilarious LMAOOO

dude rocked 'til he dropped. never be another lemmy.

Dead baby jokes always land well, classic

his stories and jokes are fan-fucking-tastic.... he truly was a good man with a rough attitude... i would love to spend two nights listening to him just tell me stories... why two?... one to listening to his stories and one to try and understand just what the fucking hell he was talking about XD

Miss you, Uncle Lemmy.

Love this guy

R.I.P Lemmy you legend !!

Carp with a harp LoL

LEGEND!

That two scoops of dead baby joke is one of my back pocket jokes

lemmy laughing at his own jokes is FUCKING HILARIOUS

so funny jokes....ave Lemmy

Marry Lemmymas

i'd like so much understand what the hell Lemmy was talkin about...

RIP Lemmy. Miss you bud.

Seeing lemmy videos make me wish he was my grandfather

SUPPLIES!!

Legend

Lemmy was the last true rock God. The world really lost an icon. The world definitely needs more Lemmy's ♠️🎱🍻🥃🧋🤘

What a f**King legend

…the guy who smashed my frog is an epic joke!

R.I.P. LEMMY KILMISTER

The last quote❤

yeah he was a real hoot in his panzergrenadier uniform

“Fucking excellent”

HAHA, honestly Lemmy is the only one who can get away with a humor like that. Hope God's chair is comfy up there, Lemmy.

génial Lemmy !

Onward to Valhalla man.

Miss you mate. 🙏

I FUCKIN LOVE THIS GUY

I LOVE Mr Samson Pruitt

Agree with Lemmy 100% .!!

Lemmy?Hahahahahahaahaaaaa!!!How can one like him.I ain't getting it.

I have heard the Venereal Disease Joke before . Different protagonists , but same Joke . And a Corker it will always be .