Several people have asked what I mean by "glue" holding the paragraph together. I forgot to mention that I have a video that goes over writing strong paragraphs as well as two videos on writing strong descriptions. Sorry about that! These videos give an in-depth explanation of most of the concepts I'm applying in this video. Writing stronger paragraphs: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/rraPqbtz26vGn3U.html Writing stronger descriptions part 1: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/oa6efceIs7vKpac.html Writing stronger descriptions part 2: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/jciSeK1n38-nmqM.html

If she’s searching for blue lights in the woods, the increasing daylight would make it more challenging. That feels like a ticking clock that could make sense.

I hope you guys enjoy this new type of video! I wanted to clarify that the edited version here would not be the final version. These would be suggestions for the writer to take and make their own changes/edits. That is why sometimes I might recommend the writer cut something, but the sentence no longer is grammatically correct with the cut words. The writer would reword according to their own preferences. Editors give you a jumping off point and might demonstrate some options, but the writer would be the one to truly alter the writing and bring it closer to a final draft. I just wanted to clarify this because it is a common misconception that editors rewrite for the writer. I also wanted to say that unfortunately due to ongoing health issues, I am not taking on editing projects right now. Sorry! Thanks again to Cabrielle for volunteering to be the first victim of this series! Show her some love and gratitude on instagram: @cabrielleholden. Let me know if you have any questions. Thanks for watching! -Ellen

I enjoy watching editors at work. You are great at explaining your reasoning for each edit and how it improves the scene. I think you should continue this series.

Ellen, thank you so SO much for doing this for me! I don't think I can express just how much I appreciate it. I'm planning on self publishing this novel in late October this year, and I can't afford an editor, so I have been trying to learn as much about editing as possible from your channel. When you posted on patreon asking for volunteers I could not send that email fast enough! You've given me so much valuable information, and I have learned so much from this one video (not to mention your other editing videos). I have so much to think about. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! -Cabby

I don't understand why she needs the horse at all. It doesn't seem like she's more than a hundred or so yards from her house at any given time, it would probably take longer to saddle the horse than it would to just walk down the path to the insects. As for the insects, the impression I got is that finding these insects would be an impressive feat though as in they're rare or something, yet she finds them almost immediately and within sight of her house. It would make more sense to me if these insects are hard to find, such as they only frequent a particular plant or flower, which could also explain why she must go at this time, perhaps there is a flower that only blooms in the morning and that's the only time she can find the insects. Great video as usual.

More of this, please, please, please. So useful going line by line. Not enough KZfaq videos edit prose so closely and constructively.

Ellen - if your long absence from KZfaq combined with the good amount of views your videos always get aren’t already an indicator… then let me tell you … we want ANY AND ALL CONTENT YOU WILL GIVE US. You are so insightful and easy to understand. You’re an excellent teacher, and your KZfaq videos are some of the most valuable in this genre. The old ones and the newer ones.

More like Ellen Rock(s)

I struggle to understand if she is on the horse or off the horse. She mounts the horse. She walked the horse and it walked along. She walked Novi. She gripped the reigns and walked the horse. Pulled him to a stop, nudged novi, and they walked in silence. They were deep enough in that it was easier to walk. She turned in the saddle. Maybe the word trot could be used instead of walking. Maybe she rode novi at a leisurely pace, slowed the horse to a walk or a jog. People like myself who haven't ridden horses may not know that walk is a term for riding slowly and it sounds like she is walking alongside Novi. I only know the term because I looked it up.

Please, more of this. It's such a great help. You are helping me so much. Thank you. Love your videos.

The 50 minutes flew by before I knew it! It’s so helpful to see an editor in action. Thank you so much for this Ellen, I’d love to see more in this format! 😊

I love this idea. So glad your channel has come back; I always look forward to hearing your insights.

I love this idea so much! It's a great help to my own editing process. I've started up again on a story that I've been on and off writing for three years, and alongside cultivating a daily writing habit I really want to improve my line editing, I feel like my dialogue and structuring always feels off.

I wish editors in my country were that kind... You're a gem. If someone made such polite comments about my story I would have finished it long time ago... The editors here are ruthless. The kindest comment was "I don't care about that character, it's boring". All you get is "stop wasting my time on garbage". If I was more fluent in English, I'd write stories in it. You guys have it better.

Thank you for the video and and Cabrielle Holden for her bravery! It's gold, I hope to see more of this format in future.

I think this may be one of the most valuable writing videos I've seen. It's definitely earned a click on that subscribe button. Thank you very much for the detailed walkthrough. And thank you to Cabrielle Holden for being brave enough to share her work like this. Serious, serious street cred.

Being quite a macro-focused mind, I really appreciate all your attention to micro details! Creating little arcs, movements across paragraphs has opened my mind up to new things to focus on while writing. Also really appreciating the value of an editor here - as a writer, I know the who, what, where, why and how, and I may omit things that seem clear to me but not to a reader who doesn't have the full picture. Thanks for a great vid! ❤

Adding this comment a little late but I do hope you continue with this series! I would love to learn more about the editing side of things. I'm sorry you're dealing with health issues and I hope you feel better soon!

For me, this is the most useful, yet underserved type of video on writing. All writing is rewriting, and what we're able to see here is a demonstration of that. Of the thought processes and decisions being made (to a standard of professional excellence), that are required to take our craft to the next level. Please do more of this 'Let's Edit' series Ellen, this was superb. Big thanks to Cabby too for being brave enough to have her work critiqued on such a large platform, looking forward to reading the full book when it's released.

This was so helpful. I have a fanfiction where two people are across the room from each other and so there's a lot of catching glances but it felt needlessly repetitive when I was reading it back although the actual exchanges are significant because their precursor to obviously talking in person. And I think it's because it's untethered in the text to the changes that are happening as we are incrementally getting closer to working up the nerve to talk. I know what's happening in her head and in her body because I'm the writer but I didn't effectively put it on the page. Why emotionally are we looking at the house so many times, why emotionally are they making eye contact so many times. I love this style of video!

This type of video is SO helpful. I am at the editing stage of my first finished manuscript and it is so daunting to begin! This is really motivating, and insightful!

I love this type of videos. They are very insightful. I always thought that editors would read the thing first before editing, but now thinking about it it makes sense to get those "first impressions" as a reader would

In regards to the overall diction, this sounds like an indecisive author - As an exercise, I like to write the same scene with each of the emotions in focus in my own work: e.g., one where Victoria is scared, one where she's prideful, one where she's excited, and any other possibilities. That kind of exercise, even just in play, helps to develop decisive language and leads to motive discovery.

This is a petition. More of this please.

Great video, love the emphasis on clarifying motivation and keeping up the tension-that can be so tough. I’d also recommend using some shorter, snappier paragraphs during action scenes to help with tension-it could be a good contrast to the long descriptive paragraphs as she walks out of the house and into the woods, and it can make it feel like everything is happening faster

Wow. You've brought so much clarity to editing a scene. I think that the better I can write my novel, the less work the editor will have to do to make it marketable. This is gold! Thank you.

Sounds like an interesting beginning for a story. I like the fact that she seems to have a caring relationship with her father. A couple of possibly misfitting words : Tinge, instead of twinge. Isn't tinge a word to describe a color or hint of a taste? Usually something associated with the senses? While twinge is often used for emotions. And then, 'shall' vs 'shawl' on pg. 2. A shawl is a garment, but 'shall' is a verb. And then 'reigns' vs. 'reins'. First is to do with the rule of kings and queens, the 2nd is for the horse tack. I liked the story and the dark woods. I think these reviews are fantastic for a series. Breaking down the paragraphs for focus was a lightbulb moment for me. And 'bravo' to the author for being the first to jump into the ring.

Hi, I'm very late to the party but I have a few comments for the author on the offchance that they could still be relevant: 0. I agree about needing more internal conflict about the act itself, and I want to see her almost change her mind. Fear of the dark is good enough, and any teen who has this would be frustrated. Maybe her father made her promise never to even touch the path while she's alone, and it seems ridiculous enough to be worth disobeying (which provides mixed feelings on both sides: feeling bad about disobeying, and feeling frustrated by the dumb rule). IDEA: Maybe she took the horse so that she wouldn't be alone, showing that she knows how to find loopholes (very teenage behavior and a good skill to have when dealing with the fey) 1. I'd like to see more contrast between the home and the woods. Light vs shadow, misty vs clear, warm-color light vs cool-color light, etc. I guess I want to see a threshold crossed here. I agree that it's harder to see these things (blue lights) as it gets lighter, and that dawn is a weird time to do this. The magic system might allow dawn to be its own threshold, and perhaps that caused something magical that wouldn't normally happen. IDEA: Maybe she overslept, or was up at the right time but too scared to go outside, and is going out an hour or two later than she intended...this would also require a good reason that she felt she needed to do it that day. 2. I'd like to see either the correct equipment (like a net) or a good reason that she's never tried to catch a bug in her life (especially if she's experienced in drawing them). It doesn't make sense that she's swinging a jar at a swarm. It's okay for a character to botch a simple job they've never tried before, but as a reader I want to hear some internal real-time learning. 3. In my limited experience, bugs don't behave like that. If Victoria is experienced, she can reflect on an increasing list of unusual behaviors and grow more uneasy as the scene progresses. Or maybe they switch from drifting away from them to attacking because she caught one, but as a reader I'd like to see a concrete reason for the switch.

Thank you, Ellen. Your insights (on editing and all the other subjects) are so helpful and appreciated, and your work on Cabrielle's second chapter is a perfect way to illustrate the benefits and importance of the editing process.

i was just binging ur videos and u posted!!! so excited. thank you so much

Thanks, Ellen. This was a great example and much better than a list of dos and don'ts.

Girl!!! If this is a new series I’m soooo excited. This is literally PURE GOLD

Just wanted to say that I loved this video. Many of the problems described in this chapter were things I already sort of knew but hadn't internalized the reasons for them, which made it difficult to find the solution. Hearing the "why" was really helpful, as was seeing how all these changes come together to create a more compelling scene.

This is far and away one of the most helpful videos on the craft of writing that I have watched. Thanks to you and Cabrielle.

Ellen, you're doing god's work here. Thank you so much! This format is amazing. As someone who only writes as a hobby and can't afford a real editor (and betas are hard to find) your content has helped me make tremendous strides in my editing skills and therefore my writing. I cannot thank you enough for this thorough line-by-line process. Please, if you can and want to, keep doing this!!

This is a nice psychological analysis of what's going on. A lot of it is also about establishing clarity. I guess since this story is in 3rd-person omniscient (I think) then we're supposed to know why the character "is stepping out onto the path again" or whatever. This makes me realize why editors are able to help writers so much. A second pair of eyes can help a writer notice things that they themselves wouldn't notice. Hopefully, it wasn't too hard for you to go through this.

This is so helpful! Please keep this series up, it’s always easier with examples

i really like this format for a video series! I'm a very visual storyteller, so my technical prose is definitely one of my weaker elements. many thanks to the author for contributing her work as well! since I can see she's also looking at further notes in the comments, I'm happy to give my general impression/unclear descriptions/thoughts on details. not for "I think this is how it should go" mandatory fix ofc, but because I always love hearing people's thoughts and guesses as to what's happening/will happen in my own stories, to gauge how effective my lore seeding is lol in no particular order, numbered for legibility: 1) given the (working?) title has "fairy" in it, I assume these blue light bugs are some form of fairy/sprite/will o'wisp, and that their chasing the protagonist means they are somehow dangerous. the protagonist wasn't aware of this however, so I assume this is either a low-magic or portal/hidden world setting that would justify her lack of knowledge, esp as a teenager 2) she seems afraid of the dark though, but also possibly the woods specifically. which implies to me that she has had something influence her to have a negative perception of the dark and/or the woods, even if she can't place her finger on why. "keep the house in sight at all times" 100% comes off to me like something that was drilled into her head as a child by her father, which tells me that perhaps HE knows more than she has been made aware. general paternal overprotectiveness is one thing, but did he already know there were fairies in them woods? what is he doing so close to the woods if he's so strict about it? (I come from the countryside so "that's just where they live and that's just how he is to keep her from getting got by coyotes" is a valid answer, but that's what it makes me wonder lol) 3) from this snippet, my extrapolation is that he's a kind and caring father who wants to keep her safe, but did so by being incredibly strict about the dark/the forest/the house with very little verbalised justification outside of emphasizing the danger. a "just do what I say" kind of parent, who thinks telling the truth would only tempt her further into the dark and deep. 4) "keep the house in sight at all times" could be just one of those Overprotective Parent things, but it makes me consider the possibility of fairy shenanigans, which would make for a fun surprise for the reader (and an upsetting one for the protagonist lol). if the trail obviously leads back home, why is it so important? well, tricksy bullshit of course. idk how magical your forest is, but it sounds like there's a threshold of Too Deep, and my assumption is that if you go Too Deep and can't See your house, there's a risk of the path behind you changing or disappearing, closing you in and making you hopelessly lost, an easy target for further shenanigans. or, if you lose sight of your house for even a minute, the possibility of a FAKE image of your house appears, which would guide you like a mirage in the exact wrong direction. maybe your fairies aren't that mean, but I do love a good Mean Fairy lmao 5) given the back and forth pull and emotionality of the walk, I would personally enjoy more specific descriptions of the lay of the land and how the shape of it would influence her travel. I can picture "house" and "forest (trees)" and "sun cresting over (?)", but I'm kind of struggling to gauge distances. if you picked a specific type of terrain, I feel like it could really help clarify the things a bit, but also give you more to work with for the symbolism and emotionality. you mention a "tree line"; is it a forest that has a hard edge (literally crossing a boundary), or does it go from sparse to thick as she travels inward? is she perhaps traveling a path on a hill, so the view of the house is easier to maintain even as she gets "deeper" into the woods because she's also going upwards? is the HOUSE on a hill, so she can see it from a distance, but the canopy of the trees closing above her are what obscures her vision? inclines would also give you an additional factor to work into her terrified escape, whether ascending or descending, and help measure the "depth" at any given point. 6) this one is a little more of a straight suggestion lol, but for the moment when she tries to catch one of the bugs, fails, realizes she can't see her house anymore, then is chased, I would personally enjoy reading the realization from more of a POV-description? like she was so enamored with trying to catch one of these bugs (and they dodge, just out of reach, edging her further into the woods...) that it's only when she whirls around to look back that she realizes the trees have closed around her and she can't see the house from the way she came. whether or not it's a fairy trap snapping shut is up to you and what happens later in the book, but that's what it feels like to me (see above: tricksy fairy shenanigans, or maybe just having fun scaring the hell out of this human child lmao) 7) I love a good "nope, nope, ain't touching that" horse reaction lmao #thehorsewasright good luck with your book!! I hope some of this was useful or interesting lolol

Best explanations behind editating than any other KZfaq I have seen or heard. Thank you so much!

Maybe she’s being courteous because she’s worried that he hasn’t been sleeping well because of some stressor that becomes important.

This is a fantastic idea for a series, more so that it includes real, tangible examples from a viewer. Currently writing this as I'm a third of the way through and your insights are already sparking ways I should tackle my own writing. Thank you, Ellen.

This whole month, I'm gonna watch these videos.

Such fabulous comments Ellen. Thank you so much. LOVE the format! And thanks Cabrielle for sharing your writing!

Thank you for sharing Cabrielle and Ellen. This was a super helpful exercise. One thing I noticed: I had trouble judging the passage of time and distance. It takes quite a while to get from pitch black to the first trace of sunrise to bright orange skies. On horseback, she likely would have traveled very far from the house by that point, and might not be able to see it (even without the trees). And then, if the sky is bright orange by the time she reaches the woods, her initial fear of navigating the woods in predawn darkness is no longer a factor.

This is brilliant! Such a gift to any writer who struggles with editing (like me). I've always wanted to see professional editors in action, so I saved this video as soon as I saw the title. Can't believe an hour passed so fast! I've just subscribed in hopes you'll continue the series. Thank you so much, Ellen and Cabrielle!

I loved this! Bravo to Cabrielle for being so brave. It was super informative. Thank you!

Not a writer at all but as a reader id also say that during the scene where she states that shed feel better if somebody knew where she was, that seems contradictory given that she did leave a note for her father, so while he doesnt know right away, if anything were to happen, somebody would eventually know where she is upon finding the note.

I've been watching your videos with great interest for awhile but this is by far the most compelling. I do hope you will do many more of these!

It's so, so indescribably helpful to see the inner workings and logic of this type of editing on a prose level. There is plenty of advise regarding plot structure and character arcs, but not many touch on prose (from what I've seen, anyway). It's one of those things where you know something is wrong, but you don't know how to fix it. The way you laid things out was so clear and concise, too. Girl, you earned another sub today! Please, please continue! c:

This video especially has some very useful and specific chunks of info. So glad I saw this.

Yay my favourite writing teacher is back with another video! Can't wait to watch this later 👍👍 thank you so much for your channel

Good on Gabrielle. And great series idea.

Thank you Cabrielle for volunteering and thank you Ellen for the detailed and helpful video 😎 You got my thumbs up for more of these !

Cool format for a video! Interesting to see it unfold in real time

I absolutely love this format, Ellen! Please do more. Cabrielle, thank you so much for volunteering for this. You are a brave soul. I agree with what Ellen said about the character feeling young. She comes across as no more than 13 or 14, perhaps even younger. But I think talking to the horse is fine! I rode horses when I was a teen and I talked to them all the time. In fact, even as an adult, talking to your horse is good horsemanship. It calms the horse and strengthens the bond between horse & rider. It's a normal thing that all riders should do. What really makes her seem young to me is how she is constantly worried about her father's rules. Most teenagers think they're basically impervious to harm and when they break their parent's rules, they tend to think the rules are dumb and only worry about getting caught. I would expect her internal dialogue to be along the lines of, "My father says not to do this, but what does he know? He treats me like a child!" The fact that she's scared of the dark and being too far from her house also makes her seem young. I would give the reader a clear reason why it's dangerous to be in the woods. There must be something special about these woods that makes them dangerous, otherwise a teenager wouldn't be frightened of them. I also agree with what Ellen said about making her internal dialogue show more complex, mature introspection. I love the whole concept of a young woman who wants to explore nature and study a new type of insect. That sounds like a character I'd want to read about and I'm sure many others would, too. Thanks again for sharing your story with us!

Hey Ellen , This is my first video for you to watch iam amazed by the details example you provided, you are amazing inspirational educator i really enjoyed your relaxed and pleasant way go through these lessons please make one videos here regards IELTS general letter and essay with vital phrases ❤

Thank you, Cabrielle, for sharing your text with us! And thank you, Ellen, for this step-by-step video. I‘m really fond of this new format and hope you’re doing more. I appreciate how polite and respectful this community deals with critiques 😊

Love this!! I hope this continues to be a series 🤩 Great critiques. The critique I have is that unless all the traveling and descriptions is leading up to something big in the woods, I would condense the scene to just a few paragraphs… 😃

Commenting as I watch: my impression of the first scene is that she simply does not want to wake her father. Not much of an exciting stake, but I guess one could emphasize he works hard and does not get enough sleep, so it's important to her not to wake him. 13:20 the intention I'm getting for that is she's saying "it's convenient the sun is rising *because otherwise* the woods *would have been* dark. Which she's doing in that convoluted way just so she can drop the "not further than her father allows" line into the description. I love the way you gave it rythm though, there's so much more life to it without even adding more descriptions! Just out of curiosity, do you do a separate pass for misspellings like shall=shawl and reigns=reins? 26:30 I don't know if it's because the video is slowing it down, but I'm starting to feel a little bored of the scene. It feels like 4 pages of sloowly inching forwards on a nondescript path *between* a house and some woods and never getting there, because she can always see the house. 37:00 actually, it does kinda pay off when the house finally disappears, that's disquieting right there. aand nevermind she's back on the path. Well, this does successfuly leave the reader with a lot of questions! Honestly, probably leaving a few of these unanswered, like why are the woods dangerous, works as a hook. The bugs tho are totally fairies.

I really enjoy this sort of video.

13:12 didn't seem like she was trying to describe fear. She mentions a rush of excitement. Sounded like she was trying to go for, jittery to break the rules, sneak off at dark, and go hunting for whatever she's hoping to impress the town with. She just had never been out that late and didn't realize how dark it would be.

Omg YES! This is perfect timing and now my new favorite video of yours! This is awesome! 👏🏻 and good on this writer for putting their work out there ♥️

I really love how informative your videos are. I feel like I'm learning a lot. 😊

This video is super awesome, thanks for doing this!

Great video! I love the side to side comparison of the original writing on the left and new edit on the right. I also found your explanations very clear and easy to follow. I would love to see more videos in this series!

Thank you! I really like this format. All your videos have great explanations, but watching this process with a real example is incredibly helpful!

Please do more on these videos. Many thanks to Cabrielle Holden!

Ellen Brock, you are a treasure! Thanks for really knowing what you're talking about and the thorough attention to detail to finer elements of prose writing, especially the examples of how to revise certain words/sentences/paragraphs. Yours is definitely one of my favorite channels~

I love this video. There are too few editors making this kind of videos. There are so helpful, cause you get to see real examples and real suggested fixes, which may make things more clear than simply saying "cut repeated words" or "avoid filtering", and such. Especially if you're not very good at English, or even understanding what certain things are.

This was a really great video. I liked the way you explained your reasoning behind the changes you suggested. I look forward to seeing more of these.

you are honestly the most amazing person to share all of this with us!! I really hope you know how appreciated you are

This is awesome! Thank you so much for doing this. I'm looking forward to more videos in this series.

Great video. Seeing you go through this process and explain the changes you would consider feels very helpful

Your content is so good. Some of the best quality advice on the platform.

Thank you so much, Cabrielle and Ellen! ❤

Definitely would love more of these. All your videos are so helpful, but this is a great complement to the videos that go over these things in more detail. It's great to see the different ways the same issues can play out with different writing styles, as I think it helps to pick up on the same issues in our own writing.

Thank you for the insight into your process. I appreciate the length of the video and the deep dive you provided.

FANTASTIC video, Ellen. Just excellent.

I love this idea for a series! Examples help SO much and using really great examples has always been something I've loved about this channel. And getting to see actual editing live with an example just makes the examples even better and even more helpful

This video provided a lot of insight for me!! I actually have a similar habit as this writer in terms of focusing more on "this happens and then this happens" as opposed to character introspective and describing motivations and intentions. It's something I've been trying to improve on and watching you go over each line like this and give examples totally helps, so thank you!

Please continue this series, so helpful and thought-provoking 🙏🏽

Wow! I learned so much from this. Thank you, Cabrielle and Ellen. You are both wonderfully talented and generous💖

I love this format! I always enjoy thorough dissections of subjects. I think it could be used to explore different types of scenes, scene structure, voice, etc. Looking forward to it, and I'm definitely joining your Patreon!

I love this series so much.

I'm SO glad I stumbled across your channel

Fantastic format for a video. You're a wealth of knowledge for an aspiring writer, thank you!

This was so interesting! I enjoyed seeing your editing process. Thank you for posting this.

This was amazing! I especially found it educational when you made a new paragraph in the beginning. It showed very clearly how much better the storytelling became using your suggestions when there were two paragraphs to compare. Thank you again for a fantastic channel!

Very insightful, Ellen. Thank you for the demonstration. I'd definitely love to see more of these types of videos.

This is an excellent idea for a series. I'm grateful to both you and the writer for providing this content. It's great to see the inside workings of an editor's mind so that, as a writer, I can keep these thoughts and concepts in mind. Thank you so much! I look forward to the next one if there is a next one. 😊

At 35:00 this feels like the character is going out on her own so that something magical or horrible can happen to her. This happens so much in fantasy books that I cringe every time someone suggests a character take a walk.

Love this process. I’m learning so much from you!

love this video so informative! thank you Ellen! pls more of these kinds of videos 🙏🏼

This was definitely eye-opening to see how an editor would look at a manuscript. A lot of my ideas I tend to think of as YA so I really liked the points about how old the main character might be viewed because of her actions/motivations. That's not something I think about a ton when writing but it's definitely a valid point. I would have thought the main character was younger here as well but if the motivations had been different it would have read different. Thanks for another helpful video!

I would love to see more videos like this one! So great to see all the principles of writing/editing that were explained in previous videos at work! And many thanks to Gabrielle for letting us look at her chapter!❤

This type of video is a fantastic idea, and I hope you continue with making a series.

I really like this format, I feel that I learned a lot by seeing concrete examples as these.

Hello Ellen! Great video as always! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I like this visual format and I'm really interested in more editing videos. Thank you so much, they are very helpful.