Lies you’re told about being child-free

Рет қаралды 144,531

Күн бұрын

Am I selfish for not having children? Will my life lose meaning? What about carrying on my bloodline?
/// SOURCES ///
A very short essay against 'as a mother' : on being able to care without kids by Amy Key: amykey.substack.com/p/a-very-...
Tiffany J Marie on instagram: / cvh0gh3l5yg
The foul reign of the biological clock: www.theguardian.com/society/2...
The Complicated Truth About The Biological Clock: • The Complicated Truth ...
What’s the Connection Between Your Biological Clock and Fertility? www.healthline.com/health/bio...
How many ancestors do you have? thewildpeak.wordpress.com/201....
YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE OF 1,024 ANCESTRAL LINES: www.familytree.com/blog/you-a...
Everyone on Earth is actually your cousin: qz.com/557639/everyone-on-ear...
Abortion laws in the UK: news.sky.com/story/what-are-t...
www.fastcompany.com/3056649/w...
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Пікірлер: 1 400

@TrekkinRanger 6 ай бұрын

What really blows my mind is the idea that pressuring people to have kids who are not already really enthusiastic about being a parent is supposed to have a good outcome for anyone.

@gargilohia7586 6 ай бұрын

hahahahaha THIS! Hear hear

@amentrison2794 6 ай бұрын

I think in their minds, being in that situation will cause you to rise to the challenge, which I do think there's some truth to, but at what costs. Not to mention that rising to the challenge is in no way guaranteed.

@katfujioka212 6 ай бұрын

Especially if they're strangers, like what??? What does a random person's sex life have to do with their life??

@lemsip207 6 ай бұрын

They can get treated like social pariahs, especially in some housing estates, whether married or single and infertile or child free. Particularly in the married quarters of the armed forces. If someone is undecided about whether to start a family or not they shouldn't be told to 'go for it' but told only to have children if they really want to have children.

@lemsip207 6 ай бұрын

@amentrison2794 I know of someone very terrible parents who 'rose to the challenge' because of accidental pregnancy. So they just 'got on with it' but they didn't do a very good job with two sons in prison for sexual offences. Because the family was so desperate for money both sons were pimped out at 12 and 13 to provide personal care for someone with a head injury and they both were sexually assaulted by their client. The sexual assault turned them into sex abusers too.

@aidinia 6 ай бұрын

"You would be a great mother"... "Yeah.. I would also be a great prostitute, but decided not to any of those"

@leenanorms 6 ай бұрын

😂😂😂

@gia.r03 6 ай бұрын

Actually wheezed this is an excellent comeback

@saraennis1402 6 ай бұрын

Absolutely saving this response for the future 😂🎉

@potter5647 6 ай бұрын

Whats your opinion on Stop Having Kids community? @@leenanorms

@brettrobinson2901 6 ай бұрын

Can't you do both?...then you'd have TWO wins in the "GREAT" column....😁

@Arkhaeon 6 ай бұрын

I’ve been called selfish for not wanting kids and my response to it was ‘i think it is more selfish to have kids just to avoid being called selfish’.

@calvarezfabio2415 6 ай бұрын

I also got this kind of coment about not wanting to have children, even though i dedicate a considerable amount of my spare time and resources to volunteer work, im selfish because i dont want to have my own little clone. Agh.

@jcimlas210 6 ай бұрын

my circumstance is abortion, your response was basically the last thing I said to on of my best friends “selfish would be having the baby for fear or what others would say/ think-this is the hard route, the route where only I get hurt “

@grappisrule 6 ай бұрын

This is the most incredible and succinct reflection I've read in a long time.

@Miss_Lexisaurus 6 ай бұрын

this attitude always confuses me. My mother had me and it was the most selfish decision she could have made, she's a terrible parent and I have no idea why she had me when she very clearly didn't want me. I have asked myself many times why she didn't have an abortion because of the damage she has done.

@AmAppleton 6 ай бұрын

I've been told that. And shocked the person who said it by agreeing with them, and asking them if they thought a person who wasn't prepared to change how they live to accommodate a new life would be a good mother

@karakask5488 6 ай бұрын

If someone asks if I want kids, I just say, "oh, no thank you", like I'm refusing a second serving of mashed potatoes. That usually throws them off long enough for me to escape the conversation.

@amara560 6 ай бұрын

I love this 😂

@anix670 6 ай бұрын

This is a brilliant response!

@RioRav 6 ай бұрын

As a goth I would probably add no thank you, I just ate just to make sure the topic wont be brought back up

@gargilohia7586 6 ай бұрын

Stealing

@Nadoxa1 6 ай бұрын

I’m stealing this 😂

@alexjames7144 6 ай бұрын

For me I think it comes down to something very simple: I just don't feel like it. I refuse to live in the kind of world where that isn't enough reason on its own

@terricox3559 6 ай бұрын

Amen!!

@airmerly-1218 6 ай бұрын

Agreed! I have stopped explaining why I don't want kids and it has been very freeing. I really don't have to justify my choice.

@invitethecalm2939 6 ай бұрын

Yes! I have had to break it down for my mom. And it's that while we enjoy being around kids sometimes, we never feel like we want one too. We're always happy to leave the kid household and go back to our own quiet one. Our hearts are at peace. As much as she'd like grandkids, she couldn't argue with that.

@mpazinambao2938 6 ай бұрын

No one has called me selfish, but I would agree with them if they did call me selfish...cause I am... selfish... and lazy.

@terricox3559 6 ай бұрын

@@mpazinambao2938 it's no more selfish than having a child because YOU (they) want a child 🤷‍♀️ anytime any of us make a decision to make ourselves happy it's selfish. Otherwise we would all just take care of other people's kids without the love in return

@hadassahm3016 6 ай бұрын

I needed a job and stumbled into childcare. I worked at a nursery by coincidence and it turned out to be the best job I'd ever had. As someone who came from a broken home, I had never known love like it before. The feeling of a baby falling asleep in your arms because they feel safe with you is the best feeling I've felt in my life. I've since moved cities to start medical school and I think about my kids every day. I would die for them, I miss them all the time. But I DON'T want biological children. Childcare is specialist, difficult labour, it requires vital education because children are so vulnerable literally even a cup of water could kill them. It requires so much physical and emotional labour, especially the older they get and I don't think it's greedy to recognise I deserve to be paid for delivering that labour. I also have chronic fatigue and sleep issues and could not be on the clock 24/7. The most I have done is babysitting for a reduced rate because the mother was on minimum wage but it infuriates me how disregarded parenting is as a vital form of work

@justathumb 6 ай бұрын

as someone with a biological child, this comment is absolutely vital.

@peachessilkin8790 6 ай бұрын

I resonate SO HARD with this comment. I'm a teacher and have worked with children 0-18 for years. I LOVE kids so much, but I do not want biological children. I get to hang out with kids every working day and it's more than enough!

@ylla_ 6 ай бұрын

YES!! I'm studying to be a teacher and have worked with kids already. I love kids and find them fascinating and rewarding to work with, but it is still WORK. I can't imagine coming home from work to have another child/children to take care of Taking on having a child is like taking on a second job, except there are no breaks or sick days and you can't quit if you get frustrated. I'd rather not risk that level of regret

@endobyotic 6 ай бұрын

My first job was in childcare. I worked there for seven years (age 17 to 24) because I kept falling in love and having to wait till those babies left for kinder. I finally had to quit because I just couldn't afford it, but I'm still in contact with some of those families and "my babies" are pushing 30! They changed my life and definitely made me a much more responsible person than I could have been with the riffraff I was hanging out with. BUT I also learned that it's hard, thankless, emotional, and really gross, and helped me decide ultimately not to have kids of my own.

@claspring 6 ай бұрын

There's a new book out called Care: The Highest Stage of Capitalism and the authors tackles the problematic nature of our expectations that caregivers 'love' their wards- in the tradition of Arlie Hothschild I think she's pointing to how gendered these emotional labours are. I bristled at it as part of me wants my childminder to 'love' my child as I do, but when my childminder tells me she loves my child, there's a part of me that wants her to be able to separate herself from her paid work in a way that society doesn't allow the biological parent (especially mother) to be. SO MUCH RESPECT FOR EARLY CHILDHOOD CARERS/NURSERY WORKERS/TEACHERS/BABYSITTERS ETC ETC YOU DESERVE BETTER

@jazzgirlie 6 ай бұрын

Julia fox recently said in an interview that before she had a child, she wasn’t sure if she could live a fulfilled life, and now that she’s given birth, she knows that people can live complete and full lives without children. It wasn’t about not loving her child, obviously she loves her baby, but it was so refreshing to hear someone with a kid say that.

@NightinGal89 6 ай бұрын

It's probably because once she had a kid, the reproductive instinct that clouded her brain subsided

@lenanayashkova 6 ай бұрын

That is what I say too. I had a bit of a weird feeling about people who would say they 100% do not want children when I was younger. By the time I actually had children I truly understood how messed up my feelings really were. It is a really sellfish perspective because it is kind of harsh reality - as if having a child is about YOU. Actually it's not at all about you, children's purpose is not to make you into anything, they just live their own life (and they need your life to be dedicated to them for a long time). I still don't know how to expain this feeling to people who haven't yet got a child but are planning on it.

@ilovesunflowersunny2098 6 ай бұрын

Ugh. Stop looking up to celeberties please. Aren't youbaware they have the luxury of nanies, and all types of mental or emotional support? The average woman cant afford that, and thus can't "live her life to the fullest".

@Myaccount923 6 ай бұрын

@@ilovesunflowersunny2098they said WITHOUT children

@mercy5004 6 ай бұрын

When I was younger, I couldn't ever see my life without kids. But now that I'm older, even though I still very much want them... I know I *can* have a fulfilling life without them. I think a lot of people who hold onto the opinion that you can't have a good life without kids are either young, deeply indoctrinated into a breeding cult (there's quite a few out there that make having kids and a lot of them, even against the woman's will a core tenet), don't have any hobbies or real interests (which is weirdly common), or had kids when young, and thus have essentially spent their entire lives based around them. Will I be sad if I end up unable to have kids? Yeah. Will I go on to lead a life I will find just as fulfilling? Also yeah. A lot of people seem to want to rush into things without thinking them through, and that causes a lot of issues, even outside of the choice to be a parent.

@kellisimpkins654 6 ай бұрын

I had a coworker tell me my husband would leave me if I didn’t give him children. I told her he didn’t marry me for my uterus. She also said she didn’t trust a teacher who didn’t want children of her own. 🙄 That’s ok, I don’t need to be trusted by someone whose opinion I don’t value.

@pisto30 6 ай бұрын

That's so insane. I've never understood how people think just saying to another person whatever comes into their head is OK. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

@katec9893 6 ай бұрын

Parents are sometimes unbelievably rude to childless/childfree people. It's like not having children makes you fair game for scorn, pity, criticism, anger, exclusion and isolation. This hostility really needs to change because it no doubt forces people to have children due to feeling pressure, when they might not be ready or feel it's the right path for them.

@xdoriandanger 6 ай бұрын

That is wild!!!! Especially because having your own children doesn't always mean you even like them, darn sure doesn't mean you don't abuse them!

@melindaroop1346 6 ай бұрын

You can love children and be good with them, without wanting any of your own lol. Not everyone is ready for or wants that full time responsibility. Not to mention the fact that it is the MOST STRESSFUL thing you will ever do. When you truly love and care for your child/children, you suddenly realize what a scary place the world can be and the amount of anxiety, worrying about if they are healthy and what if they get sick and so on. I have been a giant ball of stress for over 20 years, as a result of being a mom 😅. It isnt for everyone and thats okay.

@rayf6126 6 ай бұрын

I had people tell me I wouldn't get a caring man if I didn't have children, because... The one that got to my partner is I should allow my wonderful man to belong to a woman who can use him as a father.

@delaneys-books1290 6 ай бұрын

I have an aunt who is single and child-free, and I think it was really good growing up to have a role model who was a single, child-free woman happy with her life

@lemsip207 6 ай бұрын

No aunt but great aunts like that. One married later in life so by then it was more difficult to have children. Another never married. There were also family friends from when my parents were in their twenties. But my mother still looked down upon them. Just as she was looked down upon at one time for not being married until she was 25. But she was waiting for my father to break free from his parents to be able to marry him. He eventually did and bought his first house. Then they married soon after.

@mercy5004 6 ай бұрын

Have an Aunt that growing up was a good example of this. Single, outspoken about not wanting kids, etc, and happy with her lifestyle. Later funny enough, she ended up marrying (after I was an adult) and giving me another aunt lol. They decided to have kids anyway....and yep still happy. She was a great role model to show that you can be happy with or without kids, and also that you can and should be able to change your mind without judgement. I know it wasn't always the case that my family was open to her choices, but at least when I was old enough to really be aware of it, they had all come around to the concept of just letting people live their lives and make their own decisions. Just because someone either did or didn't want to have kids when younger, doesn't mean they'll always be that way...and frankly no one should have anything to say about it regardless.

@maggiebookworm 6 ай бұрын

Yes! I feel so thankful to have single, child-free women in my life who live amazing, fulfilling, lives.

@lemsip207 6 ай бұрын

@@maggiebookworm My great aunt. She talked to children better than my female relatives who had children.

@CordeliaWagner1999 5 ай бұрын

Same here! My childfree aunt is the happiest person I know.

@pyenygren2299 6 ай бұрын

I am 52, childfree and in menopause, and I have *never* regreted not getting kids. _And_ I love spoiling my friends kids with gifts for birthdays and christmas. Yes, it is indeed possible! 🎉

@auntlynnie 6 ай бұрын

I’m 53. BIG same.

@xzonia1 6 ай бұрын

53 and same. Well said. :)

@SashyBash 6 ай бұрын

omg this is what i aspire to be hell yes

@gazagxrlx2974 6 ай бұрын

You're my role model

@inelouw 6 ай бұрын

47 and same here. I adore my nephews and my friends' kids, but I don't have a single regret about not having kids myself. I've known from my early teenage years that I didn't want kids, I've known all through my twenties and thirties, and while I had a few moments of doubt in my late thirties to early forties, menopause actually came as a relief because it meant I didn't have to spend energy on that question anymore.

@TheKrispyfort 6 ай бұрын

Being a parent should be an opt-in and never a default. Kids aren't accessories. Believe it or not they're actual unique individuals with ideas and aspirations of their own. Future adults even

@borincod 20 күн бұрын

what is that logical causation link between your statements?

@rachelleonard37 6 ай бұрын

My favorite response to "but you'd be so good at it" in response to not wanting to be a parent is "I'd probably also make a great plumber, but I'm not doing that either. I'd be great at lots of things, that doesn't mean I have to do them." I love your response that "if you think that's true, you've never seen me sleep deprived" because I feel the same.

@ShintogaDeathAngel 6 ай бұрын

"Some people would make great serial killers, too. Just sayin' " 😂

@sablisland 6 ай бұрын

I use your first statement all the time! "I'd also be a great librarian, but I don't have to do it just because I'd be good at it!" It's also a great little mindset for like, "what if you regret not having kids?" I always say, do you regret not becoming a truck driver? and if they go "no...?" i say "why not?" And they inevitably say something like "I never wanted to be a truck driver and really wanted to do xyz instead" and I go "that's how I feel about becoming a parent"

@boudicathebrave 6 ай бұрын

Oooo this is such a good response-im going to use that!

@fuzzydragons 6 ай бұрын

Why had i not thought of that line before when asked even as a kid!?!? lol😂

@grappisrule 6 ай бұрын

I literally had this conversation with my partner earlier today. We don't want kids because we love our life, that is how simple it should be. Society has made it so unnecessarily complicated. My mum calls my cousins her "inbetweenies" and has made it very clear that she wants grandkids because she wants, and I quote, "a second chance". Not my effing problem.

@jboudie 6 ай бұрын

oof, "a second chance" that's a terrible thing to hear

@almondmilksoda 6 ай бұрын

Yikes. You're right, it's not your problem. It's your body, life, and choice. Nobody else's.

@pirlie 6 ай бұрын

Wait what does she mean with calling your cousins "inbetweenies"?

@lattemeowcchiato3767 6 ай бұрын

@@pirlieSounds like the cousins are younger than the commenter, so the mother basically says they are who she can take care of between the time when the commenter is a child and when they’ll “give” her grandchildren.

@grappisrule 6 ай бұрын

@@lattemeowcchiato3767 yes it's exactly this. Omg the "give" in quotes really emphasises how messed up it is.

@Jodie_May92 6 ай бұрын

“Bold of you to assume I’m fertile” hits me so hard. I got SO many questions of was I having children, when am I having children in my late 20’s, in the end I started giving those people what they deserved and told them the lovely tale of how I had recently been diagnosed with PCOS and was X amount of time into a long and gruelling battle with obtaining fertility treatment and how it was quite painful to talk about because the fact of the matter was, I didn’t know if or when I was having kids because it was out of my hands. I have my little one now but the awkwardness on their faces as they listened to my reply was palpable and I honestly hope they learned their lesson.

@furbyRevenge 6 ай бұрын

I have had a lot of surgeries due to endometriosis. When people ask me I tell them the truth about my fertillity. My boyfriends calls it ‘the flying monkey game’ because the amount of weird advice, crazy denial or strange ‘comforting’ statements I have heard are getting downright ridiculous! He once told someone ‘alright but If someone told you they have a broken leg would you also say ‘Nooo, you can never be sure.’ because he got so tired after all the weird advice

@KiraFriede 6 ай бұрын

My period is currently at 1,5 days due to chronic illness. I don't have the desire to have kids and I feel blessed by that, because I couldn't imagine being in the current situation with a wish to have a child.

@xyz-jv9df 6 ай бұрын

Good for you, people need to mind their business.

@staceycolvin7624 6 ай бұрын

After several years of TTC, and three miscarriages, I got sick of people asking me when I was having children and started bluntly replying with exactly what has been happening. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

@AlextheENTP 6 ай бұрын

@@staceycolvin7624 I'm so sorry for your struggles! The cycle of hope and devastation in multiple miscarriages is nothing short of traumatic.

@cosmicpolitan 6 ай бұрын

I knew at 18 that I didn’t want kids. I remember the day I gave myself permission to be childfree very clearly because the weight of pressure that was lifted off of me was like a beautiful religious experience. My family told me that I would regret it. My doctor told me I would regret it. I’m 50 and have ZERO regrets. The older I get, the more sure I am that I made the right choice. The quality of life and the lifestyle I’ve built is so satisfying and so right for me. I think myself every day for not betraying myself and standing up for my true self. The people I’ve met who regret being childfree are the ones who were pressured into it or who didn’t take enough time to explore their own feelings; they let someone else or some circumstance decide for them. The key is to choose from within, not from family pressure, not from societal expectations, or from outside influences. You can lead a perfectly happy life with children and without children. They will be different lives, but you will find joy with either one. Just make sure YOU are the one who decides!

@lauragibbons1951 6 ай бұрын

I love love love this for you! It brings me so much joy hearing this from someone who has done what I'm doing but is further along in life. I've constantly been told I'll regret it, but I know I made this choice within myself and since getting sterilised I honestly feel so at home in my body and the future I can create for myself now that accidental biological children isn't one of those options for the future 💚

@seltzermint5 6 ай бұрын

I feel very similarly. Having that realization at age 14 for me was definitely like the biggest relief and one of the surest decisions I've made.

@emeliewhittley5564 6 ай бұрын

Fun to hear that someone else also had that releiving moment of "maybe I can just NOT have a child?". I remember the day clearly and I was 26. I knew I didnt want a child before that, but I thought of it as "something I guess I should do once, since it's expected" and I was waiting for graduation from uni and getting a full time job... but when I got there and still didn't feel like it I gave myself permission to just not!? Best decision ever and thinking back I'm confused at how much of an aha-moment it was for me. That's why I think it's SO important to talk about being childfree!

@ShintogaDeathAngel 6 ай бұрын

I knew as early as between the age of 2 - 4 years old I didn't want children, I'm now 40, have been "broody" a couple of times, but still no regrets about staying single and child-free. Also been told I was selfish (like... most of the reasons people give for wanting children turn out to be egotistical and selfish!)

@xzonia1 6 ай бұрын

I've always known I didn't want kids. I saw The Sound of Music at 7 and learned nuns marry God and never have kids, and I told my parents I wanted to be a nun when I grew up. That didn't go over well, as my family's not Catholic! Lol. They said I didn't have to marry if I didn't want to, but I couldn't be a nun. Never married, no kids, and past menopause now, and I'm very happy with my life most of the time ... though I do sometimes regret that I didn't become a nun. I think I would've been even happier if I had. I still serve God, but in different ways than nuns do. I'm still very happy to be child free; I've never once regretted that decision.

@rachaelharrison1257 6 ай бұрын

Completely resonate with the "if unsure choose the less destructive choice". If I regret no kids in 10 years or 20 years there are options. If I regret having kids in 10 or 20 years then what are the options?!

@aiaesthetics1124 6 ай бұрын

Well by 18 years they’re no longer your problem so why wait 20 years? 😂

@07Flash11MRC 6 ай бұрын

@aiaesthetics : You'd be surprised how fast those kids will be your problem again after the age of 18 when they will still need money from you. + whenever they get in legal trouble and can't pay for it. You'll also inherit your childrens debts. As a parent, you're responsible and connected till the day all of you die.

@1bluegreen2 6 ай бұрын

@@aiaesthetics1124ha! That's if they are healthy!

@mercy5004 6 ай бұрын

@@07Flash11MRC depends on the country I guess. Many have it to where if your child is an adult, they can *ask* for those things, but you aren't duty bound to provide them. They are considered legally disconnected from you in most ways, except maybe things like insurance (semi-recently, US). If an adult child were to take out credit cards, and not have their parent's cosign, their parents are not liable for the debt. same for a mortgage, student loans, etc. Same for legal trouble. A parent is encourage to post bail or help out their kids...but they have the right to simply say "no". I also know quite a few parents who kicked their kids out on their 18th birthday, and when the kids tried to get the cops involved, all they could say was "sorry but do you have any friends or other family you can stay with? You're an adult and technically they have the right to evict you" Of course this is all US based, so another country may have it where a child is indeed tied to their parents and vice versa forever

@christie140 6 ай бұрын

I don't think many parents "regret" having kids. It's just hard work at times and forces you to take a long, hard look at yourself. A lot of people aren't willing to do that.

@laurenmason1743 4 ай бұрын

I'd much rather regret not having kids than regret having them. One only affects me, the other affects multiple humans

@ehimmeltreppler8602 6 ай бұрын

The idea of me being the first woman in my personal family blood line being able to actually have a say in the matter of whether or not I'm going to have a child with my partner really resonates with me, it's kind of incredible, actually. For all my female ancestors it was just a given. They didn't have a choice. I have that choice. And for me, personally, saying "no" would be a much more powerful statement of dedication to all of those women who came before me than bearing a child simply in the name of carrying on my bloodline ever would.

@erikt1713 3 ай бұрын

It seems a bit odd to refer to your blood line there. You are the first who can choose and this could be where the blood line ends. It does not sound reassuring to me.

@whitneyanders5945 3 ай бұрын

If she has siblings and relatives who have children then the blood line does not end. And really, everyone has unique DNA so bloodlines don’t mean anything anyway. Humans are genetically 99% the same, so why exactly does a bloodline matter unless you are a super freak with some genetic mutation not seen before?

@borincod 20 күн бұрын

you don't want a child because of your rebellious mood against a usual state of affairs? Interesting. 1. of course your female ancestors had a choice. The options were probably not so nice though. 2. If any of your female ancestors didn't have children, they wouldn't be your ancestor 🤷 . So, you could look for sisters of your ancestors and check their life. 3. There is another thing that is considered a status quo through generations - it is the life itself. Why don't you consider yourself rebellious in this regard?

@telkins3388 6 ай бұрын

As a fellow 33yo childfree person, my response to invasive questions has long been "I don't talk about my sex life with strangers/family/etc." Now that I've been sterilized, I respond with "I can't have children." If I get rude follow-up (which happens more than it should), I pull out the sex life statement as back-up.

@cinmingrl 6 ай бұрын

if i'm around new people making casual conversation, now that i'm older I like to say It wasn't in the cards. When I was younger I would say Time will tell. Ambiguous, non-committal, they have to be the jerk to push the topic.

@terricox3559 6 ай бұрын

Hello fellow 33yo childfree! I'm right where you are.

@auntieheksold-timemedicine3045 6 ай бұрын

Haha... I've used the sober-faced "Oh... actually, I can't get pregnant" line to shut up people who couldn't mind their own business (and for whom repeated answers of "We don't want children" weren't good enough.) It was technically true, because I had an IUD. lol.

@BethVonBlack 6 ай бұрын

I was sterilised at 31, so when people ask (I'm now 37) I just say I didn't want kids so much that I had my tubes tied. It usually ends the conversation straight away. Perfect.

@yellowzora 6 ай бұрын

Also 33 here and happily child free. Luckily I don't have too many people asking the question, but I also often answer something like "time will tell", as I don't really fancy discussing it with people I barely know. I had to have a good chat with my mum though, that she probably shouldn't expect any grandchilren from me, but that if I change my mind I can always adopt. I'm pretty sure i would prefer adoption over having a biological child, I've just never really been able to picture myself pregnant and everything that comes with it. Great topic for a video, I think I'll have to use some of Leena's replies from now on :p

@sallys.2707 6 ай бұрын

Reading all the comments make me so grateful for my parents who constantly said to my sister and me "You. Shouldn't. Have. Kids. If. You. Don't. Want." (but also my mother was a undesired child sooooo SHE KNOWS)

@oceanegougeon3025 6 ай бұрын

My parents tell me "we didn't have children in the hope of having grandchildren" haha

@kittimcconnell2633 6 ай бұрын

I was the second unwanted child born into my family and your mother's advice was brilliant!!

@o0buonanotte0o 6 ай бұрын

One thing about the "you'll never know real love" phrase is: Love isn't always great. Love can hurt. When women tell me that the love they feel for a child surpasses every love they ever felt before, I can't help but to wonder: and what if..? What if your child dies before you do? What if your child grows up and grows apart from you? What if your child doesn't like you anymore? What if they never come to visit? I honestly don't think I could deal with that. I know how much I suffered in relationships and after a breakup. If the love for your child is really that intense, then I do not want it, it would be too much for me.

@ShintogaDeathAngel 6 ай бұрын

Love is great, but not having it doesn't necessarily damn us to an inferior existence.

@thatjillgirl 6 ай бұрын

I am childfree and I think about those negative what-ifs sometimes. What if I had a kid that died? What if I had a kid that was really kind of an awful person, someone who did something really bad? What if my kid had serious health or mental health issues that they spent their whole life battling? What if my kid needed care all their life long and there was going to be nobody to take care of them after my husband and I died? There are so many possibilities that just sound so heartbreaking. Parenthood is a very bold act when done with intention and a very foolhardy one when done thoughtlessly, I think.

@damien678 4 ай бұрын

Yeah I'd rather not experience those What Ifs either

@whitneyanders5945 3 ай бұрын

Why is that real love equates with co dependency though? Kids don’t know real love, they only know dependency. Yeah, sure they grow up and either love you or hate you but it is hardly unconditional at that point. You think they’d still love you if you said you were donating their inheritance to charity or were going to blow it all living it up in retirement? It’s just bizarre to say that the parent/child relationship is the only true love when it’s co dependency.

@arstyashley 6 ай бұрын

I was raised in a Mormon household with generations of Mormon women. I used to cry all the time thinking I was disappointing them by not having children and taking care of a household. Now I realize how liberating it has to be to see the first woman in the family choosing her own career and providing for herself

@beaulieuc8910 6 ай бұрын

same here it is liberating. I am the only athiest in my family, the only one in environmental causes and the only one who is childfree and not childless. It is certainly unusual in my conservative family

@Sarina460 2 ай бұрын

Sounds wonderful how you managed to shift your view and see it as a liberation. I applaud you :)

@judithrussell9162 6 ай бұрын

I'm 70 and never wanted children, never even considered it when I was young. It turned out my first husband did but fortunately I never conceived (he couldn't). I don't recall being questioned about it very often, in fact my mother was delighted that I was child free. She'd spent too many years looking after her siblings and her numerous own children. Most of my friends are child free as well. It's the natural thing for us.

@ss_apobangpo 6 ай бұрын

i dont understand why people are so focused on asking why you don't wanna have kids. it should be the other way round if anything. a kid isnt just your toy to control. theyre a whole individual person who has emotions and experiences. bringing a kid into the world is a huge deal. people should be asked why they want kids.

@leza4453 6 ай бұрын

Or... we could just leave each other alone and respect and not openly second guess other peoples life choices at all.

@lizzyisbored9882 6 ай бұрын

@@leza4453 Idk about that one. It's valid to ask why someone wants to play god and make a whole ass person to take care of for at least 18 years. That is making huge changes in your life that you can not really take back without hurting a person who you made didn't ask to be here. So yes, I don't want people mindlessly having kids without doing some introspection.

@whitneyanders5945 3 ай бұрын

True. Questions like ‘can you afford to have kids’. ‘Do you actually like the person you are procreating with?’. ‘Can you see yourself as a single parent if things don’t work out?’. ‘Have you worked through your trauma so as not to inflict it on your kids?’. All decent questions to ask those who want kids.

@saraennis1402 6 ай бұрын

Happily married & happily child free here 🎉👏🏼 realizing I never need to have a kid was one of the most freeing moments of my life, not exaggerating.

@danaikritsotaki6848 6 ай бұрын

do you also get the “what was the point of getting married then?” question? 😅 I love that one, to hell with wanting to make a commitment to your partner, reproductive purposes only

@micivalantincic8227 6 ай бұрын

Same!! I get the "how can you not give your husband a son??"

@saraennis1402 6 ай бұрын

@@danaikritsotaki6848 phew, I haven’t gotten that comment yet, but am bracing for it when we turn 30 in a couple years 😅😅

@Aniexo_ 6 ай бұрын

Sams

@Namadu7 6 ай бұрын

@@micivalantincic8227 "Give"? Yikes, that one word says a lot about the person asking the question. Like you and your hypothetical child are just supposed to be your husband's possessions or something...

@HollyDunnDesign 6 ай бұрын

I’m so happy to hear that there’s no scientific evidence for the “biological clock” 🤣 It’s my worst nightmare to have a sudden and COMPLETE personality change and decide to have a kid.

@MzRachel 6 ай бұрын

I always thought of it more that the biological clock refers to women’s lifelong hormonal cycle and how we will eventually become infertile. For many women who want kids, this knowledge makes them feel anxious and impatient like they desperately want to have a baby right away before they lose their chance.

@justathumb 6 ай бұрын

yes, we are all born with as many eggs as we will ever have, and our egg supply is effectively depleted by around 40-45. this is not a scaremongering tactic, but powerful information to help women make informed decisions. i fell pregnant easily at 37, but would struggle now at 39. it's a very personal and individual circumstance, and every woman is different.

@K.C-2049 6 ай бұрын

@@MzRachel that's totally fair, but let's not pretend the concept hasn't been extra weaponized to make sure women start families younger and thus, potentially settle for bad relationships to do so before they have the wherewithal to make better decisions. "oh that biological clock is ticking, better partner up soon."

@actualgoblin 6 ай бұрын

@@justathumbA lotta people (particularly men) seem to think that you run out of eggs by the time you turn 30. That concerns me somewhat because it just isn't true

@Nina-my5bj 6 ай бұрын

I think this is really complicated because multiple things can be true. This concept can be weaponised against women and at the same time it just is a medically accepted fact that women’s fertility starts declining pretty sharply at around 34. And also it is still perfectly possible to have children at that age (although it can be more difficult). And let’s not forget that men’s fertility (although not as clearly linked to age) is absolutely affected by lifestyle and other factors and is hugely important in determining a couple’s ability to conceive regardless of a woman’s age.

@kristiedeaver 6 ай бұрын

I love these for people who have children who also get asked, "So, when are you having the next one?" or "Don't you think [fill in the blank] needs a brother/sister?" or "Don't you want to try for a boy/girl?" Even women who make the choice to have children are often pushed to have multiple babies. It's extremely annoying.

@GetOfflineGetGood 6 ай бұрын

There's also so much pressure on women to not only have kids, but have them super young. People act like your fertility dries up when you turn 30. I know a woman who's in her 40s and just had her first two children, and they're happy and healthy. She got to live her life and know herself and find her soulmate before having children. There really shouldn't be such a rush.

@blazingstar9638 6 ай бұрын

It’s kinda wild that if you have kids in your 30s it’s considered ‘geriatric pregnancy’ geez

@Penelope416 5 ай бұрын

@@blazingstar9638They say its mid to late 30s... and by the age of 30, a woman has typically lost 90 percent of her eggs.

@wheatstonebridge 5 ай бұрын

It is not wise to have kids in your 40s. Its biology and facts over your feelings, hun.

@valerietaylor9615 4 ай бұрын

My mother was in her forties when she had me.

@valerietaylor9615 4 ай бұрын

My mother was in her forties when she had me.

@karinalemieux9396 3 ай бұрын

The ‘You won’t know true love’ one is wild to me. It’s basically indirectly admitting that you have never felt loved by your parents, spouse, an animal, friends, etc. Plus, I think upholding that idea is bad, because then the pressure that kid feels and goes through to meet the emotional/mental needs of their parent is unattainable. It’s how you get ‘boy moms’.

@buffienguyen 6 ай бұрын

I resonated with everything you said as a early 20s child free person who has know since my teenage years that I do not want kids. However, I just wanna point out that maybe we shouldn't perpetuate this myth of "well you can always adopt" and making adoption out to be this simple, ethical process. The adoption system around the world is racist, homophobic, ableist, and of course classist and do not put the needs of the child first. Anyone who would like to learn more should look into adoptee stories and adoption activism for more nuanced information - i am not an adoptee so I cannot speak for them, just wanna spread the word :)

@defense360 6 ай бұрын

+++ Agreed! Would love adoption activism to be a part of this convo.

@Turbonilla 6 ай бұрын

Yes!!!

@binkybombastic6200 6 ай бұрын

I agree! There’s also an age limit (at least where I live) so you couldn’t just wait until you’re 40 and then think „oh I can’t have children anymore, let’s just adopt one!“. I think there are also a lot more adoptees than children who need to be adopted, so it really is not easy at all.

@furbyRevenge 6 ай бұрын

However, the world needs great fosterparents.

@janinemller427 6 ай бұрын

Agreed. There is the foster system though, where there are loads of kids in need of love and support. It is usually easier (you can be older, not in a stable relationship, ... At least in Germany) to get in and I feel it is much less problematic. Also, there are other ways to care "motherly" about other people and take responsibility of a community if this is something one desires or wants later in life. You might even be able to give more to more people, when you are not focussing all your resources on your own children.

@farrahaliceblack7453 6 ай бұрын

I remember thinking about this quite a lot at 24, and then for my 25th asking for a paddle boarding lesson for my birthday present. I was paddle boarding along Brighton beach, waving to my partner on land, and for whatever reason that was when I was absolutely sure I never want kids. Because I could have a whole life of hobbies instead. That gives my life plenty of meaning: seeing people paddle boarding, and having the time and resources to go "I want a go at that!". A whole lifetime of hobbies, all for me. I'm so excited for my future ❤

@carinamancinone8724 6 ай бұрын

That's wonderful! Your moment of realisation reminded me of my own. I was kayaking in New Zealand and there was a married couple in their 60s on the tour. I had a chat with them and they said they were childfree and copped a lot of raised eyebrows in their lifetime for being so. The way they spoke about the life they have been able to live as a result, travelling every year, supporting one another and sharing a deep love of living life to the fullest on their own terms was beautiful. As someone who has never had a burning desire to have children, and for whom it may not be medically advisable anyway due to having a chronic illness, this moment was a pivotal one for me. From that moment, I knew that whatever happens, I have the power to make life one that is wonderful and fulfilling, whether that includes kids or not. It's freeing to be so secure in my choices, and not letting 'society' tell me that a life without children is a meaningless or unfulfilled one. I wish you a life full of adventures and self-fulfilment too!

@K.C-2049 6 ай бұрын

it's sad how in this society women are still expected to choose between our interests and being mothers, when you know our future imaginary husbands would have all the time in the world for their "golf days".

@emcg4041 6 ай бұрын

Why would you imagine you can't have hobbies as a parent?

@xmr.ai-emixc2918 6 ай бұрын

@@emcg4041 The better question is why would she *want* to? Maybe some people don't enjoy the idea of juggling multiple things at once? Not everybody wants to try and have it all.

@emcg4041 6 ай бұрын

@@xmr.ai-emixc2918true; some people are less capable than others.

@RB53637 6 ай бұрын

The one that gets me is ‘who will look after you when you’re old?’ I work in social care marketing and the amount of older people in care homes with children and grandchildren who never even visit them is astonishing. Having a child doesn’t guarantee care when you’re old, and maybe we should invest more in improving social care for all of us. Plus, on the flip side it’s also kind of bold to assume your child will give up a good portion of their life to caring for you 24/7. I think its often seen as you paying back what your parents did for you as a child. There was an interesting street interview where people were asked what social care means, and all of the responses insinuated that it’s something ‘for someone else’ or ‘to look after other people’. Whereas a lot of us may rely on it in future!

@sampal5352 6 ай бұрын

It’s sad, it’s a lack of family and social networks due to capitalism driving everyone into stupid meaningless lives. We should feel a collective responsibility to look after each other, the barriers made to it are the problem.

@whitneyanders5945 3 ай бұрын

Life is what you make it! If you think it lacks meaning, that’s a shame. Also crazy when people say capitalism is evil and ensures people live meaningless lives and then go have a bunch of kids to feed into the capitalist machine. Like what the?

@inconspicuous-nobody 6 ай бұрын

Hats off to all the parents and caregivers who are not made of money and can juggle work, hobbies, a social life, general "adulting", and children. I'm CF by choice because I know my limits. I adore this video, so many hard-hitting lines and several points I plan to steal as a response to those uncomfortable comments.

@tara9559 6 ай бұрын

I 👏 KNOW 👏 MY 👏 LIMITS 🎉 yes. 🎉 I needed that validation. I have a boundary and it’s that I physically, financially and emotionally cannot effectively care for myself AND a whole other human.

@ADBH-sd8cz 6 ай бұрын

@@tara9559same

@alexisd835 6 ай бұрын

Ugh the whole "you must have had a bad childhood" thing really boils my blood as someone who is childfree in part due to my childhood. I was essentially a third parent for a lot of my childhood, and I have no desire to do so again. Even if someone's reason is 100% because of their upbringing, that is still their decision-why question it? I'm happily part of the village for my friends and my library kiddos :) P.S.- Also- the idea of my ancestors getting to rest with me is really comforting. Thanks for sharing

@tuffguydoe7937 2 ай бұрын

ugh I hate that comment. Also, what bothers me is friends and family that aren't doing a good job at being parents. Why run your mouth about my choice for being childfree when there's drama going on in your home. I know it going on because you call and say hi. You call and say help.

@DustfeatherOfFire 6 ай бұрын

Thank you for making this :) For many years I thought I didn't like children because I'd never wanted my own. Then I became a piano teacher and discovered that children are great, I just prefer being a mentor figure in their lives rather than a parent. I still get the fulfilment of knowing I've contributed something to the younger generation (by introducing them to the joys of music) but don't have to go through the horrors of childbirth, and still have time and energy for the things I'm passionate about in life (my own musical career, friendships, travel, nature, etc.) :)

@Nena-mr4km 6 ай бұрын

This is exactly what I'm thinking. I'm 23 and still figuring out what I want in life but I love the idea of being a mentor of sorts, or impacting young people's lives in any way other than raising them. Be that as a teacher, an aunt, an author... If we're talking about 'legacy', I want my legacy to be the thoughts and ideas I put into the world, not a continuation of my bloodline.

@HedgeWitch-st3yy 6 ай бұрын

If you take the idea of needing a village to raise a child seriously, you start to understand that kids need a range of people in their lives not just their parents and family. Mentors, teachers, people leading different lives and bringing different perspectives. Parents also need non parents in their lives. I have never understood the idea that everyone should lead the same life....

@discountpeachesyt 6 ай бұрын

My cousin was "the only male heir to pass on our family name" and when he passed away early this year the priest reiterated that fact so if someone in my family has the audacity to say I owe it to my ancestors to have children I think I'd just throw hands

@BlacqueJacqueShellacque_ 3 ай бұрын

I once had someone ask a woman near me at a party "Do you have any kids?" ...she replied, "Not that I'm aware of." I laughed.

@daisyrye 6 ай бұрын

As someone who doesn't want kids, I was having a conversation with a dad I used to work with about this topic last year and he said "if you have the luxury to chose, you should only have kids that are fully and wholeheartedly wanted." and I've thought about that ever since. Sometimes it's just that simple, and when it isn't, it probably shouldn't be discussed casually. There are so many things in this world that are worth talking about like "what are your passions in life?" and "where's the best place you've been?" or "when was the last time you belly laughed?". I just think that intimate and sometimes painful questions should be avoided at all cost. If you don't know me well enough to already know the answer then don't ask the question.

@maggiebookworm 6 ай бұрын

I sometimes think the thing that has had the most positive effect on my mental health as I've grown up is the knowledge that I was so incredibly wanted by my family, and I know I only want to have kids if I feel the same way.

@autumncalahan8471 6 ай бұрын

As someone who had no interest in children and stumbled into the teaching profession, I realized I didn't want to be a parent but wanted to be in children's lives in a different capacity. Kids needs other role models in their lives outside of families (it takes a village!), and I know my work can be just as effective as a parent and still allows my partner and I to live the life we want. We don't want our own kids, but we're happy to be part of their village of support.

@mylesleggette7520 22 күн бұрын

This is a great point that I think often gets sidelined in the "kids or no kids" discussion. So often there is a silly shallow exchange about "selfishness" and whether it is more selfish to have kids or not have kids. People should acknowledge that the production of new humans is one of the few parts of the human experience that is absolutely essential and required (is some ways the most/only!) and that those who do it deserve respect and support. People should also acknowledge that perpetuating humanity requires more than just the creation of new humans, it requires their nurturing and development. I always say that it is not selfish to have no children of your own, but you since you require other people to have children for your sake, people without children of their own owe it to society to contribute in *some* way toward the care/support of others. This can be done in myriad ways, of which teaching children is a very direct one, but it we should acknowledge that people, as part of societies, have duties and obligations to others besides themselves.

@amyisbored27 6 ай бұрын

A really good line a friend of mine used to use when asked about when her and her husband were having kids was 'not right now, but we are practising' and just wink at them. If they make you feel uncomfortable, you just have to give it right back at them

@jazzypari 6 ай бұрын

Love this!

@bebel0ck 6 ай бұрын

With regard to “having it all,” one of the realest moments ever was when I was 22 and in the midst of an existential crisis speaking on the phone with a dear professor (may she rest in peace) who was in her 40s and shared with me that when she made the choice to have her daughter, many doors closed behind her, and she made that decision with full awareness of the consequences, and she is very happy that she had kids and with the direction of her life. She emphasized that it is important for me to think about which things I want to prioritize and where life decisions such as getting married, having kids, illness, etc. fit in. She passed away a few years ago and my god what a full life she fit into ~45 years, though of course she is gone too soon. Being realistic about how the choice of having kids shapes your life is soooo important to making the most of life regardless of the path chosen in that regard. Thank you for this video!

@lynsphildav7987 6 ай бұрын

It did take a deep breath for me to watch this, as someone who had fertility issues rather than being “freefrom” it’s a hard and personal journey. Low points of being passed someone’s new baby and told I would make a great mother, days after a loss or when friends or colleagues announce their news does take emotional strength to get through, not helped by the misconception that if your not a mother you are less than. You are completely right that having kids isn’t a joy for everyone and it is not the only way of fulfilling a life - it’s just one way to go. I personally love the “what an odd thing to say out loud” and definitely keeping for future use.🙂

@sylvan44 6 ай бұрын

thank you for sharing ❤️

@rayf6126 6 ай бұрын

Someone else's baby is hard thing to see but I love on them with my whole self when they are there and then go home and let myself feel other emotions. I want to experience what joy I can.

@catvalentine4317 4 ай бұрын

I hope you will have a lifetime of happiness and come to peace with it eventually!

@isabbygabbyorcrabby 6 ай бұрын

Just over here as a parent myself who could not be more supportive of my child free by choice friends! 😊 And I am always trying to unlearn assumptions like these as I know how tricky it can be to make a decision/live a life that falls outside the traditional mainstream

@terricox3559 6 ай бұрын

We are grateful for you ❤

@cozycasasmr4510 6 ай бұрын

truly a refreshing take and I applaud you for this ❤❤❤

@IvyAnnVanRooyen 5 ай бұрын

Champ

@estrellAllertse 6 ай бұрын

I am watching this as a mom of two, currently pregnant with our third. And while I am super happy with my (!) choice, I can fully understand everyone who decides to be child free. Especially since becoming a parent, I can't understand, why some people try to pressure others into having kids. This is such a huge change of every single aspect of your life, which you cannot reverse. So I COMPLETELY understand everyone who doesn't want this for them. Thanks for the great video❤!

@leza4453 6 ай бұрын

Same for me. I love being a parent, but that is not for everyone. I also love my job but don't expect everybody to take on the same line of work.

@historian1922 6 ай бұрын

If you live your life to please others, this will NEVER end. I have done the thing I am "supposed" to do and have a child. I can't believe how many people want me to have another one. No thanks! (Pregnancy was HELL). I am thriving in my life and don't have the mental capacity to have another kid and still get to do the work that brings me so much joy as well. I am in a moms group and we had a discussion about the "last time we felt like we were really thriving in our lives." I answered first and said "well, I have bad days just like anyone but I am loving being a mom and I really am thriving right now." Out of 10 other women (all of whom have more than one child besides me) not a SINGLE ONE said they were thriving. Most said they hadn't felt like they were thriving "since college" or since they first met their partners, etc. And there was just this vibe like "yep, that's how it is." Broke my heart! You are allowed to enjoy your one beautiful life!! Lovely video, Leena. Always appreciate your perspectives!

@myconfusedmerriment 6 ай бұрын

I love that you feel like you’re thriving in motherhood! That’s how it SHOULD be!! I feel so bad that so many mothers are struggling, and although I can only comment as an outside observer, I feel like a lot of it comes down to a lack of support. Watching my friends navigate motherhood has made me aware of how much they have to juggle, with varying levels of support from partners, extended family, and community. Especially with the way everything is structured around a nuclear family model…I think that makes raising kids way more isolating because you have to take on SO MUCH for your individual household, when it would be so much easier if there were more people around to share the workload. Also. Several friends of mine have decided to have only one child, and it’s wild to me how many people still get on their case about that. Everyone has different levels of bandwidth and I think it’s smart for people to know their limitations.

@ShintogaDeathAngel 6 ай бұрын

Even then, for some people you having two kids would be too many, or maybe three still wouldn't be enough.

@historian1922 6 ай бұрын

@@ShintogaDeathAngel very true!

@historian1922 6 ай бұрын

Totally agree! we have to know our own limits. Well said!@@myconfusedmerriment

@haveyoutakenyourmeds 6 ай бұрын

I dread to think how much money you have to earn to "have it all". We earn about £60k between us and live in a cheap city up north and we certainly can't have it all. I have no regrets about having a child (though I never had a burning desire to be a mum) but there's so much I can't do now that I do miss. And having worked for many years in a care home I can categorically say that having children is no guarantee you'll be looked after, or even visited by them when you grow older.

@historian1922 6 ай бұрын

good point! love your username btw :)

@mylesleggette7520 22 күн бұрын

What you say about being looked after and visited is true on an individual level, but on a societal level it is not. The ONLY way to guarantee that people will be looked after when they're older is for SOMEONE to have children. Your children might not visit YOU, but they'll be there to support *someone.*

@SoffyChannel 6 ай бұрын

I'm so thankful to read 50-60 year olds on here talking about their experiences! There is hardly any representation and reading that all of you don't regret your decision and that you're happy is so heartwarming to read!

@anythingbut... 4 ай бұрын

"You will regret not having kids". My response - "Maybe, but I may also regret having them. Regretting not having kids is better than regretting having them, at least living beings dependent on me aren't involved." Leaving legacy after passing away... Well for sure parents of the failed watercolour artist from Austria left legacy to remember for all humanity for centuries to come!

@visceratrocar 6 ай бұрын

Possession of a uterus does not equate to an obligation to use it.

@freedommatters7677 4 ай бұрын

It’s there for our ability to use it, not required use

@flora22511 6 ай бұрын

I was a nanny for a few years and while I loved those kids and tbh it was really smooth sailing with them, it also showed me the reality of every day life with children, the financialy stability and time you need and everything else. That experience really made me reconsider and decide on being child-free. That was withouth even taking in regard how terrified I would be of a pregnancy and delivery.

@jerylian7711 6 ай бұрын

There is a Ted talk on KZfaq by Christen Reigher called "I don't want children - stop telling me I'll change my mind" and it's been instrumental in making some of my relatives (especially my mother) taking me seriously when I say I don't want children (although the fact that my brother had a son and she got to be a grandmother probably helped as well). Thank you for making this video, as a 34y/o child-free woman it rings so true to me. The part about experiencing love really touched me. I'm a social worker and my job is to take care of severely mentally disabled adults. I might never know what loving "like a mother" feels like, but there is a feral, protective feeling you get when another human being depends on you and trusts you completely, and you don't have to birth someone yourself to feel it. I think it's a beautiful kind of love. I often get the "its a shame, you would make such a good mother" comment. People have a hard time processing the fact that I don't want children, especially because I'm not shy about the fact that I love children, and I love being a caretaker. I've made it my whole career and it's the best job in the world for me. But I've always knew I did not want my own children ans that feeling has only grown stronger over time. I love the balance I have today, where I can be a caretaker, be nurturing and selfless and loving at work (some would deem the word love "unprofessional" but I'm convinced you absolutely need to love the people under your care to make my job properly), and I can also focus on myself, be the center of my own life and pursue other things when I'm not working. It also allows me to focus on my relationship with my friends and other members of my family, to be there for my niece and my nephew, for my parents and my brother... it's a good balance. Also, I have a friend who is now over 60 and child free, and when people (still !) ask her about whether she had children she always answers "not yet", and a part of me can't wait to be old enough to make the same joke.

@AWholeVibe96 6 ай бұрын

People treat having kids like it’s a hobby you just do whenever you feel like it. Shit is wild. 🥴

@briamoon-may1274 5 ай бұрын

When someone asks if I have kids, I usually respond with "No, I have houseplants, they're much quieter".

@luckyluna62 6 ай бұрын

I used to really really want children but I have ocd and the first person to notice was probably my vet because I kept bringing my cat in for the minute “symptoms”I’d notice…I cannot imagine the anxiety a baby or a child would bring into my chaotic life not to mention children who would inherent all my neurodivergencies in a society that doesn’t help raise kids at all 😢

@charlottem2422 6 ай бұрын

it’s always wild to me when i hear people use the “but who will look after you when you’re old” line, because… having kids is absolutely no guarantee they will like you/love you and even if they do, that they’ll “look after you” or spend time with you as you age… ugh i’m an agent of chaos and therefore i kind of want you to do a taylor swift video, but i’m also scared for your comments if you ever did because many swifties can’t handle any criticism of her (signed, someone who is a big fan of her music but increasingly feels quite conflicted about her as a person)

@ICaughtTheSnitch26 6 ай бұрын

Yup. My parents are narcissists and I would NEVER.

@katew7770 6 ай бұрын

It's just so weird that people have children in order to have someone to look after them in their old age. Like WTF? What happens if they don't get on, or live in different countries, or the adult child is dealing with their own health problems. To have children to "look after you in your old age" is the absolute height of selfishness

@ShintogaDeathAngel 6 ай бұрын

@@katew7770 yep - I worked in a nursing home for over 20 years and some of our residents had children who died, became disabled, went to prison, moved away for work and in one case, a step parent had 'forbidden' the parent in our care from having a relationship with their child.

@antinatalistwitch111 4 ай бұрын

@@katew7770parents like my mother will guilt trip their children into taking care of them "All the things I did for u, and this is how u repay me"

@carrierider5700 6 ай бұрын

Regarding the idea of taking this opportunity to try out being child free because you’re the first generation to be able to try it: As a child free person I appreciate the handful of couples I know in my life who are of an older generation who don’t have kids. Honestly I don’t know if they’re child free or childless, but nonetheless, I see people leading fulfilling lives and being valuable members of their extended families without kids. They keep so busy. Maybe they have regret or wanted kids, but it still makes me feel like I have an example against that argument that I need kids to have something to do later in life.

@SallyWaters24 6 ай бұрын

Absolutely agree. In my parents' circle of friends there was only one couple who were childfree, but that has been enough to show me another option and that was so valuable. I am now childfree too and very happy about it!

@erinhunt8826 6 ай бұрын

I think the worst thing anyone has ever said to me was, "I didn't know what it was to be a true woman until I had my children. I had no idea I wasn't whole until they were born." Like, what an awful thing to say to someone, regardless if you know them or not. Luckily, I feel perfectly whole without children and don't feel the need to have them just to make myself complete, but yikes, that comment will stick with me for the rest of my life.

@leza4453 6 ай бұрын

Don't overinterpret that. Just imagine a teenager, who has fallen in love for the first time. Yes, it is a overwhelming experience for them. Does not mean their "I never realized life without love is not worth living" about another teenager they don't really know and break up with in three weeks is the peak of wisdom.

@shagunmaheshwari 6 ай бұрын

Just got reminded of this quote from Lionel Shriver's We Need to Talk About Kevin: Yet if there's no reason to live without a child, how could there be with one? To answer one life with a successive life is simply to transfer the onus of purpose to the next generation; the displacements amounts to a cowardly and potentially infinite delay. Your children's answer, presumably, will be to procreate as well, and in doing so to distract themselves, to foist their own aimlessness onto their offspring.

@kahkah1986 6 ай бұрын

tbf, I would have to counter that with EM Forster - a gay man who knew he would never procreate - who argued the purpose of life was to 'only connect' i.e. don't isolate yourself, let yourself love and be loved. Make mistakes, have regrets, just engage. For some people, that will mean children. I would argue that looking for an external source of meaning for life outwith living is futile. Even the religious meaning is essentially to live for a higher purpose, i.e. to keep on living. Children are a part of life, but they aren't the only part of the 'connection' that is meaningful.

@fortheloveofLDS 6 ай бұрын

This book should be required reading for anyone considering parenthood. It does an amazing job of addressing some of the things that come up in this video, i.e. it's not a guarantee that you'll feel "true love" just because you have a biological child, or that your child will be a good one.

@Kristina-ek8yt 6 ай бұрын

Wow, that is an amazing quote! Adding the book to my wishlist.

@travkenn1019 6 ай бұрын

If you mention you’re child free and get hit with aggression and a guilt trip just respond with “im gay”. They’ll get over it much quicker!

@kimmycheyenne 6 ай бұрын

The thing about potentially regretting not having a child is that…. Wouldnt it be SO MUCH WORSE to have a child and regret that?

@YamiHoOu 6 ай бұрын

That's what I think everytime I hear that. Like this isn't a toy you buy and return or donate, it's a HUMAN BEING!

@pollyebaker87 6 ай бұрын

PREACH! I've been told I'm "not fulfilling my life's purpose" (did you mean to say that out loud?!) But I usually just boast about having a far superior carbon footprint by not putting another human on the planet...

@IzlyeSellos 6 ай бұрын

Thankful to have almost all of my friends be childfree, as well as an understanding family. The one friend I have who has a kid, the kid is a grown adult. Im caregiver to two people in my life, I really cant imagine the stress of having a third, even a “low maintenance” one. Im in a position now where, if someone in my life needs help, I can likely provide, since I dont have children depending on me. Children arnt the only ones who need care and assistance.

@jennyhoward8655 6 ай бұрын

I found since having my hysterectomy a curt “I can’t have kids” shuts most people up without any more questions. Also drifting into your 40s helps! 😂 Love my life never regretted not having kids 😀

@kittimcconnell2633 6 ай бұрын

Anyone who says they never felt real love until becoming a parent is admitting to having had a sad and meaningless life before becoming a parent. Or, they're stating that parenting means far more to them than it does the average person. The second point seems the most legitimate - humans have varied passions. For some, their art is their truest love. For others, their home or garden would be what they love most. And for many, their children are what they love most.

@ladev91 6 ай бұрын

I think it just means they have a lot of love for their child.

@kittimcconnell2633 5 ай бұрын

How do they know it's love if they never felt it before for anyone else? @@ladev91

@lbks16 Ай бұрын

Yes, that's good they love their child, they probably hate their job, married the wrong partner and they say it to feel better.

@lilygreenall2837 6 ай бұрын

As a childfree woman, this is my favourite video I've ever seen on this topic. Love the reading recommendations as well!

@anabee95 6 ай бұрын

Leena thanks for also talking about families with disabilities, aside from lack of maternal support and childcare in the US, I am the eldest child with a younger sibling with autism who will need care for the rest of their life. I know at some point I will be responsible for both my parents and my sibling with little to no help. I can’t see adequately caring for them while trying to raise children, especially if those children would also need care after 18. On top of this is being financially secure to care for everyone in my life while holding a job that makes enough money to keep a roof over our heads, it’s very stressful. I’ve watched my mom care for my sibling for years and how stressful it is, and it definitely takes dedication. In all this I’ve found it freeing to have the option of being child free by choice, so thank you for talking about your thoughts on this.

@pureheartbadass 6 ай бұрын

i'm turning 24 on monday and just got my tubes removed yesterday, which is something i've been wanting to do for years. feeling free and looking forward to caring for my community, being an aunt, being a good friend and never being a mother

@NerdyPengin 6 ай бұрын

Parent here. Became a parent myself at the age of 27. Thankfully, no one asked me about having kids - because frankly, it's no one's business but my own and the other parent. Have kids and love them while you take care of them? Great! Keep up the good work. Don't want kids for any reason at all? Great! Keep doing you. You can have a fullfilling life without kids. As someone mentioned in another comment - it just isn't kids that need help. There are people out there that go hungry, don't have useful skills, that need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a warm hug, or a break from life to be a puddle in their own bed. I spent quite a bit of my young adult life being there for other people who need things that I was able to provide for them because I only had (still have) a cat that's dependant on me. It's a personal choice like so many other things. The question is, why do people care so much about someone else's life when they have their own to worry about? We should be extending care and compassion for how people are doing rather than what they are doing. Your rights stop where another person's begins. As long as someone doesn't violate another's rights, who is anyone to judge what they are doing?

@nottyseel949 4 ай бұрын

It's amazing how often the social solution is to "be minding your own business."

@clarissathompson 6 ай бұрын

I was about a year older than you when I first moved in with my roommate, he had 2 kids (one biokid, one stepkid) and a couple of years in we decided to make a go of it. I’m now 49, the kids are grown and I have two lovely grandkids. I have never regretted being child free, myself, even though through all of this I still have family that try to imply it’s a shame that I “didn’t have any of my own kids”. Fate took me in another direction and I ended up with a loving family, I do consider them “my kids” and I tell their Mums how grateful I am that they have always shared them with me. Make your choices for yourself, you never know where life will take you. Both of my siblings are happily married and totally child free in their lives. Everyone is different, no one way is the “right” way!❤️

@honestlyholly7657 6 ай бұрын

I've never felt an urge to have kids. I originally thought it would be something I'd do, because society I guess? But I've never felt strongly about it. I'm 29 and still don't want kids. I don't like other people's kids. I don't want to sacrifice my time, lay-ins, money or identity. I want to be able to experience things that I'd struggle to experience if I had the responsibility of children. Me and my husband would rather have a bigger house and term-time holidays lol

@beccitatefitzjohn7804 6 ай бұрын

Thank you for bringing up the abelism point! I think people should work on the assumption your kid will need you all the time for the rest of their lives, and if it turns out they don't, that's a bonus

@edithnackers7127 5 ай бұрын

I've been around for a while and one of the most startling things I have noticed is that my friends gain noticeable happiness and levity when their kids move out of the house. Anyone else noticed that with their friends/family?

@ambercm515 6 ай бұрын

I wonder if you're thinking of the Sheila Heti quote? Rather than a tweet/tiktok, or maybe someone has expressed a similar thought: "As a custodian for the soul passed down through your mothers, you might make it a little easier this time around. Treat it nicely because it’s had a hard time. This is the first time in generations it can rest. Or decide with true liberty what it will do."

@Akiku2 5 ай бұрын

My family asked me once if I was planning to have kids. I gave them a flat look and said “I can barely take care of myself. What makes you think I can take care of a kid?” Their response was “fair enough”. I’ve never been asked about it again.

@zamith1817 6 ай бұрын

I'm a trans man and when I presented as a woman I would get questions about children quite frequently from friends or family, but after coming out it has completly stopped. I'm still capable of having children biologically or otherwise, but it's like everyone assumes I'm not going to have them. It's the same story when I got engaged I got quite a lot of underwhelming responses from family members, including my parents asking me "what's the point". When I hear family members teasing my cousins (who are my age or younger) about having children but not me, it definitely feels like they are saying I'm not deserving or shouldn't have children. I guess it's similar to when people assume someone with disabilities won't have kids. Basically implying that you're only deserving of children when you are an able bodied cis person in a heterosexual relationship.

@leza4453 6 ай бұрын

Sorry your familiy is so shitty in that regard! I think it is great that you found a partner you want to get married to! Yay to you two! And if you ever decide you want children then only your spouse and your kid(s) matter, not your extented families prejudices.

@Reed5016 5 ай бұрын

I honestly have a similar situation. My parents absolutely don’t accept me as trans, and they don’t claim me as their son. They were somewhat accepting when I didn’t want kids (my mom, not my dad). They were pretty shitty when they realized I like women (asking all types of personal questions). But me being trans was too much for them, and they completely dehumanize me. Plus, now, they are happy I don’t want children, because they don’t want me to “ruin a kid’s life.”

@defense360 6 ай бұрын

BRAVO LEENA! I'm 26, have never wanted children and have never wanted to get married, and your videos have been a hugely validating force in my life around these instincts. I'd like to offer a couple of other book recs (in addition to the fabulous Motherhood) that helped strengthen my resolve in my desire to not have children: - Regretting Motherhood by Orna Donath - All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior - Women Without Kids by Ruby Warrington - The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

@anix670 6 ай бұрын

Oooh thank you for the recs, nice to have these as a solid backup, especially for family!

@hellokaumea8315 6 ай бұрын

Those are really good books indeed

@Rayslasagne 6 ай бұрын

Loved this. Recently I've had conversations with people at work where I've basically been told I shouldn't say I don't want kids because I might change my mind - and maybe there's truth to that, but it feels SO disrespectful. It's always the idea that somehow my biological clock or whatever will take control and I'll suddenly want a child out of nowhere, and honestly that concept has always absolutely terrified me! Like one day, my body will just randomly decide that's what it wants and I have no say in it. I've had a fear of getting pregnant since I was a kid - and I'm pretty sure things like that really contributed to that fear for me.

@olgag9901 5 ай бұрын

if someone claim they didn't know love before kids, tha means (according to them) they don't really love their siblings/parents/friends etc. which would be EXTREMELY sad if true.

@spring7643 5 ай бұрын

It is true, and their child is likely to inherit this and probably won't love them back. Karma.

@Bethany98100 6 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for making this video Leena. I feel so seen 🥹 I am 25 and the idea of having children literally fills me with dread and sometimes I just feel like I'm broken because I don't have this maternal urge that everyone keeps saying will "kick in" one day. So thank you for this video 💗

@natashadavies9569 6 ай бұрын

I'm late forties and I definitely find other people's sweet or interesting children (mostly when they're being sweet or interesting from a distance or for short lengths of time) more appealing than I did in my twenties. I think what we describe as maternal instinct can manifest in me around old people, animals, family and friends etc: I read it as a desire to cherish to assist rather than a desire to gestate or multiply.

@MatthewTheWanderer 4 ай бұрын

AT 11:00 "What do you do at that point? Keep trying to be sexy & have fun?" Um, yeah? Of course! That's exactly what I am trying to do in my 40s right now! Why would I want that to stop?

@teganmartin8751 6 ай бұрын

My husband is adopted, and having our children for him was more special in a way, as he had never met anyone blood related to him before. I totally agree on the myth of “no love like children”. I love my kids to death and it is a very different feeling to the love I feel for my husband and my other family members, but different is the key word here, and there are lots of biological parents who don’t get that overwhelming love and are distant or even abusive as parents, so there is that. The whole idea of a woman having a bigger bond with her bio kids is just golden uterus syndrome. Yes, growing and birthing a child can contribute to a wonderful bond, but it doesn’t end there and you can absolutely do those things and not have that bond instantly or at all.

@ShintogaDeathAngel 6 ай бұрын

And conversely, and this goes against what many people would expect, but not all adopted kids are fully loved/accepted/properly cared for by their adoptive parents/extended adoptive family, so it's still a case of swings and roundabouts.

@staceycolvin7624 6 ай бұрын

I’m not a mother, but I am able to love and care for my students on a deep and daily basis.

@marissaproulx3516 3 ай бұрын

I wake up every day, grateful im not a mother and/or a wife.

@ellakae7 6 ай бұрын

Thankyou for talking about abelism and disbaility. A lot of potential parents dont think about those topics

@yellowzora 6 ай бұрын

One of the most inspiring people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting was an 80 year old woman who was my neighbour for 3 months. She did not have kids, never regretted her choice, but took great delight in playing with my friend's kids whenever there was an opportunity. You could see just by looking at her that she was incredibly happy with her life, and was proud of all she had achieved, which came with being regarded as an oddity in the community. I think she truly gave me the freedom to choose no children, as clearly true happiness is available if you create it for yourself. I still miss her to this day, but I try to honour her by living my best life as much as I can. She's the most authentic person I've ever met, and I strive towards my own authenticity as much as I can.

@Kate-mp3du 6 ай бұрын

Just sitting here on maternity leave with baby #2 😅 but very supportive of our child-free by choice friends. I do find myself asking other people if they have kids when we meet out of a desire to relate to them/not make assumptions etc. It can be lonely being a parent but I don't want to step on people's toes. Thanks for having me rethink that.

@justathumb 6 ай бұрын

this is an important thing for people to know ❤ compassion on all sides, we're all just seeking connection and understanding ultimately, we should try and assume the best of people. i feel you, fellow lonely parent! 😉

@myconfusedmerriment 6 ай бұрын

I don’t necessarily dislike it when people ask me if I have kids, because that does inform a lot of people’s daily adult lives. But when I say no, I often feel like people don’t know what to say next? And I don’t know what to say either because I don’t feel like anything I do is a child-rearing equivalent?? And then the next questions are usually either asking if I’m in a relationship (no lol) or about my work and I feel like I just end up sounding like the world’s most boring person. 😂😂

@Kate-mp3du 6 ай бұрын

@myconfusedmerriment I think as a parent I feel like no one is more boring than me 😅😅 even though I'm happy

@ayerhead07 6 ай бұрын

I listen to the One Bad Mother parenting podcast (despite being child free myself - I feel like it helps me understand what life is like for the parents in my life, plus it's often very funny) and I love the way they approach this by asking "who lives in your house?"

@Kate-mp3du 6 ай бұрын

@ayerhead07 oh that's great!

@miraearles3372 6 ай бұрын

The "carrying on the bloodlines" thing has always been so weird to me. What makes my genetics so special that I need to reproduce? How you raise kids is so much more important to the lives they have than what genes you gave them.

@CordeliaWagner1999 5 ай бұрын

Especially now that we can crisper our genes. Biological children that aren't crispered will be a Thing of the poor within a decade.

@kate4781 6 ай бұрын

Thanks for mentioning childless does not mean child free. I really appreciate it as someone who really wants kids but, because of my career field, I am often presumed to be child-free by choice.

@MeganMartin1000 3 ай бұрын

As someone who does want kids, I fully support childfree people while oftentimes finding myself judging people who do want kids. When I annalyze the reasons for people having kids or not, I think the reasons for not having kids range from morally neutral to morally good while the reasons for having kids range from morally wrong to morally nuetral. I think every child should be really wanted and I think the world would be better if less people were born out of obligation or to fill very selfish needs of their parents. I hope this makes sense.

@cla_rence 6 ай бұрын

I'm a man so the comments I get tend to be really different from the ones women are graced with. I still get the "you're young, you'll see when you're older" but generally people won't care much that I don't want children. Their point is more often "you'll have to change your mind when your girlfriend will start wanting them" like children are some type of jewelry I should gift my (hypothetical) girlfriend, who will obviously want them since she's a WOMAN. That obviously misses the point that I'm bi and could very well end up with a dude, or well, you know, with a woman who doesn't want children. On another note, one of my male colleagues once told me I "wouldn't have to take care of them that often" if I had children, which made wonder why the f*ck people like him would have children in the first place

@ayerhead07 6 ай бұрын

My husband and I have been vanguards of a sort in our respective families of origin - no frills courthouse wedding, combined our surnames into a new one, childfree and I am open about getting sterilized at 26. We get so much positive feedback from our younger cousins and niblings about these slightly offbeat life choices, and I feel like we have inadvertently served as an example of reconsidering the default/status quo. My youngest cousin recently got married in a "microwedding" and resisted the family pressure (mostly from my mom, as far as I can tell haha) to invite everyone who shares a whiff of DNA. I've gotten a little bit of pushback and questioning about my lack of childbearing over the years, but honestly most people I talk to (older women moreso than older men, ofc) are supportive and maybe even a little jealous. I love being open with my thought processes and challenging people's assumptions, and I always make sure to drop in a line to remind them that we never know what's going on with people's lives/health/finances/etc and it's safer and kinder to mind your damn business.

@raspberryitalia3464 6 ай бұрын

I know I want to be a parent, but I live in the southern US, so I've put off trying to become a parent because I'm terrified of the archaic laws in place and lack of guaranteed healthcare. I don't know if biological parenthood is worth risking my life over. I don't know if even adopting is worth it if the child turns out to be queer in some way when there are laws in place that say I could lose custody if I honor my child's sense of self. If it's a nightmare here for people who actually want to be parents, I can only imagine the hell it must be for those who don't.

@rakastellar8955 6 ай бұрын

You know what is really selfish? People bullying and peer-pressuring people who really do not want kids to have them. I was an unwanted child and there is nothing more cruel than putting a human into this world that you did not want. THAT is truly selfish

@dasamjau6190 6 ай бұрын

As someone that has lost a pregnancy and am currently struggling with fertility I am always at complete loss when people casually ask about having babies…

@lfior 6 ай бұрын

Video ideas for 2024 : I would like to recommend a video on the ethics of Taylor Swift as a brand that people spend money on! Recently the Swiftologist uploaded a video on her becoming a billionaire and how he feels about it and it made me think that I am an ex-massive swiftie largely because the image she sells is not the reality in terms of where she actually puts her money. Her fast-fashion extravaganza of a merch store could also be a topic, it’s basically Zara with a higher price point, there are new collections all the time and the quality is bad and obviously there’s no info on where it’s produced, but it’s being pushed on fans insanely. Same with her selling vinyls in 50 different colours and making it enticing to buy them all, not only massively promoting overconsumption but also halting the production of vinyls from smaller artists because producing vinyls requires specific limited resources, there’s only so many vinyls than can be produced at a given point in time. Oof I’m not not even mentioning the fact that she doesn’t really invest in anything helpful, be it ecological or otherwise. I have been a fan of Taylor’s since her fearless album but it’s getting impossible for me to ignore these things.

@justathumb 6 ай бұрын

👏👏

@anawsomehuman3064 6 ай бұрын

i adore the empathy leena has for parents, other childfree people and children in this video. i feel like there is so much rudeness (for want of a better word) in this conversation on the internet from both sides and it really impairs everyone from finding peace in their situation and understanding others views and lives

@ShintogaDeathAngel 6 ай бұрын

I'm a bit leery of viewing push back as rude, tbh. If child free people come across as blunt it's because they're fed up of others not having basic courtesy and accepting choices that don't impact them.

@anawsomehuman3064 6 ай бұрын

I also get where you’re coming with that, don’t get me wrong. It feels right to push back at people who’ve been directly rude or insensitive or invasive to you (especially in person). I was more thinking of the blind dislike I see on internet spaces (Reddit is definitely the worst) towards relative strangers. Sorry if the original comment upset you- it wasn’t my intention. I was just praising Lena’s nuance

@gingerft.honeybees4097 6 ай бұрын

The comment that angers me THE MOST I've heard coming from middle aged people is "then who's gonna take care of you when you're old?" SO YOU DIDN'T RAISE THE FRUIT OF YOUR LOVE BUT A FUTURE FREE LABORER??

@anisaabdullahi3802 Ай бұрын

guys stop arguing with your friends and relatives if they ask do you want kids just say "yeah one day" and end the conversation there or else it will turn into a lecture

@shikasual__ 6 ай бұрын

Thank you Leena, I found your opinions on those concerns very helpful! 🙏 I'm about to turn 25, and for quite a few years now I've made the decision that if I were to one day have a child, it would be through adoption. To be honest, the first reason for not bearing a child of my own is about the genuine terror I find in pain, and that pregnancy and especially the delivery of a baby being dubbed "the most/worst pain I've ever felt in my life" by so many...no thanks 😭😂 The section about regrets was very interesting and I really like the idea of seeing it as the path that would hurt the least amount of people. For now though, I find that any of those "caring urges" I may feel are largely fulfilled by having a cat 😌 I remember a video of someone childfree explaining that they liked children but that they preferred being one of those adults in the community that could take care of them, in the "it takes a village to raise a child" kind of way. Like the cool aunt kinda vibes I guess? 😂 I resonated with that more than the idea of being a mother

@cybill28 6 ай бұрын

Childfree and happy at 51, no regrets and living my best live. You do not owe your wombs to anyone, girls. And let's face it, the world is pretty crowded anyhow.