“Someone can only abuse you as much as you abuse yourself.” Indeed. Indeed.

Dealing with a narc definitely causes a spiritual awakening. Red flags for days. I learned to actually walk away sooner and I’ve actually learned how to reduce my risk to those who display them. Risk management. Before I believed everyone had a “good heart”. I’m more the wiser.

My whole view of the world has changed since the realization that the covert was doing it ON PURPOSE! I had never had anyone try to take my happiness away instead of joining me in my happiness. I'm still having trouble trusting, but I'm working on it daily by focusing on my own healing❤

Your recovery sounds so much like mine! I allowed this to happen to me. Then I had a spiritual awakening....

I've been crying for 2 days, I have had to come back to your videos to help me through this awful time, thank you 💕

The utter disbelief that the treatment could be deliberate is what kept me stuck for way too long. The gas lighting and blaming others for his behaviour until the final aha moment when I saw it was deliberate. And I EXPLODED. That was the start of the angry phase. Which has lingered on. I've been stuck in the learning phase for months. Really struggling to turn the focus to myself and keep it there. I'm yo-yoing back and forth from learning for validation and then working on myself. Particularly inner child work. Great video. 🇬🇧🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

I believe every kind person and genuine person needs their souls crushed beyond repair so we can truly discover ourselves and finally let go and live our own lives.

I wish I knew about narcissist back then but I’m glad to hear that more and more people are waking up and realizing what narcissist abuse can do to you 😔

I was married to a narcissist. and the first thing that I have realized is that he’s done the same thing that he did to his first and second wife to be the same thing this video was very helpful because I am going through the stages right now and right now I’m in the self-growing stage trying to make myself feel better about everything working on me so I appreciate that you did this video.

My covert narcissist was like yours, needing to come across as the nice guy. I’ve had such strong cognitive dissonance because of that, I think, and after he posted that pic a couple weekends ago with a new girl it got even worse. But finally came to a head last night and then I had a good chat with my mom about the idiotic and asshole-ish things he did while we were together. I finally had the aha! moment I needed to finally get out of the fear stage and cleanly into the self discovery phase, which I’d been trying to push myself into for the last little while, but I think I’m finally there now and it feels so peaceful.

(Possible) stages of getting over a narcissist/the aftermath: (From Christina's story) 1. Anger (for obvious reasons) 2. Fear (there is a reason for going there: with the trauma bond you get addicted to the coctail of oxytocin and cortisol. When it ends, you might be cravin/expecting the cortisol. So you manifacture fears.flashes of things that could go wrong. Fear of the narcissism. ) How to get trough it: learn why this is happening to you, and narcissism in general. Acknoledge that the abuse was INTENTIONAL.(do NOT missunderstand narcissism. They put themselves first, satisfy themselves, and they don't care who they hurt along the way. It's all about THEM. Not you.) 3. Self discovery and bringing the focus back to yourself (It's the most important stage). #1 and #2 are about them. After trying to make all connections about what he was doing, then it comes back to you. What are You doing? How and why did you get into it in the first place? Ask yourself these questions and set an intention to figure it out. (You will find things from the childhood, and fears, repressed stuff etc). Realization: none of this was about him, but about her. It showed her everything she needed to learn in order to heal. (Look at your own triggers). - shift the focus - shift the power Book: "the 4 agreements" : someone can only ever abuse you as much as you abuse yourself. All triggers signal painpoints, that we need to deal with/look into. 4. Spirituality: spiritual awakening/realization that there is stuff out there that we can't ignore, that there's more to this life than you are able to see in day to day. (Divine interventions-blazing signs that you need to get out of tths realtionship). It is a journey of self discovery. In getting over this and moving on you need to shift the focus from them to you. These 4 can overlap, even all of them at once.

Thanks 4 months on I feel I’m considerably recovered still in shock that unfortunately he wasn’t my soul mate and it was all fake. NOW: he’s back messaging pretending to be interested etc, but I have the heads up I know what he is. Unfortunately though I take comfort in receiving his messages, pathetic I know ☹️ I’ve deleted all pictures, footage, messages and his friends on Facebook. I am letting go I believe I won’t give a damn soon....I hope. I am more scared of him now that makes me so sad 😞

I’m positive that my ex was a covert narcissist now that I really look back, but I got lucky and left after three months so I never got the full effect of it. It’s the same, but in a more condensed kind of way. The beginning (week 1-4) was like a high. He was like the mirror version of me. We had so much in common, we had the same sense of humor, he loved my dogs, he’s passionate about his job, he was freakishly handsome and sexy, etc. Basically exactly what I asked for when I told the universe to send me a man two days prior. It freaked me out that they sent literally what was probably the most perfect man for me. Anyway, the good lasted about a month. The second month was where I started noticing little things he’d say here and there, but I just excused it as a quirk. For example, he’d tell me I’m too literal sometimes or if I said something he’d say why you feel like you had to say that? Then I noticed he’d barely respond to me over text, barely ever picked up phone calls, would leave me hanging when we had plans and I didn’t hear from him for hours and found out he went out with friends without saying anything. What really finally clues me in that something was wrong, was that he leave me hanging while in the middle of a conversation of me visiting my dad at the hospital after finding out he had liver cancer. I asked him if something f was wrong but he said everyone was fine. Things weren’t feeling so effortless anymore and I was feeling smaller in his presence, and I’ve always thought of myself as a strong person. One day, after getting ready to head over to his place, he calls me to tell me that he thinks the relationship isn’t working because I’m judgmental, too critical, I have no compassion for others, I’m not mindful of others, I talk to much and it bores him, I make unnecessary comments... which blindsided me because I never knew that’s how he’d see me and I never thought I was... so I chalked it up to being glad I was called out because I never realized I acted a certain way that may be coming off wrong, so I started working on myself. Two days later, he breaks up with me after I told him his shower curtains still had cat hairs on him after a conversation in which he told me that he had just washed his curtains since it was making everyone who came over allergic since he used to have cats. He blew up on me outta nowhere, saying that I always make comments that weren’t necessary and that I’m an asshole. I got angry and left. He apologized over text the next day, only to get extremely defensive when I defended myself, now being able to process everything. And then he blocked me. About two weeks later, now month 3, I sent him a letter explaining my thoughts (I’m sure I was nostalgic for the good times we had in month one and possible trauma bonding). He contacted me a week later, we talked and got back together. Only now he’s extra distant, which he had told me he’s extra busy with his job, so I’m like okay cool. But the responses were further and further apart and he still didn’t pick up my calls. Eventually the same thing happened again when he left me hanging to go with his friends and left me in the dark about it. I told him finally that it made me feel unimportant whenever he does that. He proceeds to tell me that I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and then gives me the silent treatment after that for TWO days, only coming back to say I’m sorry for not responding. When I barely responded to him, he gives me yet another silent treatment for another two days. I ended up just blocking him because my head is EXHAUSTED by now and it clearly shows he doesn’t give a crap. Two days later I dmed him on ig to tell him that we’re officially over. That was last Sunday and I’ve yet to hear anything, not that I’m expecting to. It was only three months but it was still intense and I think I dodged a bullet. I was lucky that I was already trying to practice self love prior to him, so I knew I did not deserve to be disrespected like that and left. Looking back now I realized I was blinded that all the checks on the paper. I’m still grateful to this relationship though because I feel much more in touch with my spirituality and I’ve been looking into human behavior and psychology because of that, learning more about myself and everyone else. Sorry for the long comment, but I felt like I really wanted to share my story, too. Thank you for reading it all the way through.

You are refreshing & light in your discussions of this horrible abuse - glad I found your channel

You are 100% on point! Every reason is exactly what I recently went through (again) excluding fear. I actually understand the whole narc, psychopath abuse thing and why highly sensitive people MUST go through the bizarre to discover ourselves. But I had recently had to go through the wolf in sheep’s clothing narcissistic relationship for what I believe was my final test and experience for full wisdom. Now, I did need closer because I knew I wouldn’t get it anyway, I just needed the experience to see yet another layer. I was allowed to experience the covert narc because I needed too to close the loop with true understanding. I just hope I got all the wisdom I needed to go to a new level of relationship with my future wife and proper articulation to those I’m assigned to in the world. I’m actually grateful for the horrible/wonderful experiences! I’m a wiser and better man because of it! ICU so I won’t miss out on her. To my future wife, I’m not bitter I’m better and waiting on you. 🤙🏾

After I finally left the narcissist what became blatantly obvious to me and ah ha moment was, "All my life I had never really Trusted myself. I always checked with others about what I needed to be doing and taking advice all the time. Whenever I tried to trust myself I was not strong enough to follow through. This is the lesson I got at a very deep level as to why I had allowed the narcissistic abuse. It was never about him he was simply the mirror I was looking into. I was a people pleaser and never really put myself first. I, like you, had flashes from my past where this held true. It has been 6 months since I left the relationship. Before I started watching your videos I had a divine intervention, well a few. He tried to hoover me and I had no idea what this was. I had started seeing someone in therapy and I told the therapist the reason I wanted to see her, I was wanting to explore the "Trusting Me" issue. I did not go back when the hoovering began. I said no and was no longer the supply. I then saw your videos on line ( by accident) of course no accident. Then when I really got what I had been through and that this person was a covert narcissist it all became clear. Everything you talked about I related to. I have meditation now and spirituality in my life.I have read many books including the 4 Agreements. I am working on myself and loving myself more everyday thanks to this community. It is so great to know others have been through this and that I am not alone. I feel so amazing these days. Thanks Christina for sharing your knowledge and your story so others can heal.

My experience was uncannily like yours, and we share the exact same analysis and conclusion regarding the situation. One thing you said that resonates the most with me is that this is about self-discovery and not about the other person. I see so many KZfaq channels that just incessantly talk about the narcissist over and over and over and never discuss the inner self journey that this is truly about. Please keep up the good work. 😊

Thank you for sharing your experiences with covert narcissist, you have enlighten me to what happened in my 5 year relationship. The emotional roller-coaster of endless breakups, false allegations, lies, projection, triangulation, while I was trying to support and nurture my partner through her regularly repeated traumatic past, only to find out in the end that it was mostly lies, caused me enormous self doubt. I have always tried to see the best in people and help those in low points in their lives, this greatly angered her. I dont want this experience to change who I am, I feel if I stop helping others she/evil will have won.

For me, I got into the relationship after I found out that I had a Meningioma and a colloid cyst and I was going to have to have two surgeries. So, I was ignoring my gut feelings and I was just going through the shock of my diagnosis and wondering if I might die soon. I wanted to experience all kinds of things and when a normal limit was breached, I let it go. I am sharing this because I haven't heard this broached yet and I want anyone who may have a similar situation . It has been seven year. I am still alive and I discovered that even if I had only a few years to live that quality of life and peace of mind were still very important and I wish I would have known this and went with my gut. Instead of telling myself- "why not" , I would say- "why would I ". Because, I lost some years that could have been spent doing healthy things that still might have been something that I was too busy or shy to do. And, time is not something that you get back.

It’s like you have seen my relationship for the last 5 years. He was an alcoholic and drug addict so that combination was amazingly toxic. Trying to help him and fix him gave him more fuel to do whatever he wanted. He did more for his friends than he did for me. I knew I should have picked up on it when he left in the morning and didn’t come home until he was ready. It’s has totally awakened my inner self and have thought about my triggers. He moved out of our bedroom in November and we broke up in February, but he wouldn’t leave. COVID made it miserable and he finally moved out in June. I know he won’t be back because I have nothing to give him. He used to ask me why I didn’t love him the way I used to? Blew my mind that he couldn’t see all the damage he was doing. I began my journey in October of 2019 and taking my heart and mind into consideration that was when I started to do for me and he couldn’t handle it at all. Thank you so much for all the help. I watch some of these over and over again when my anxiety is so high. It brings things back down to sane and I realize I’m soo much better with out him and am in the path to being healthy again 🙏🏻

Love your videos. My mom and I always call it divine intervention. God never fails.

I needed to hear this. Thank you so much for taking time to make this video. Everything clicked. The constant fear and lack of love is the worst mind torture in the world.

i cant belive it! seems like yove just described my life! All these process I’ve been through... it’s almost been a year of my healing and going through the whole why she’s did what she did and finding out about narcs! And I’ve learnt so much about myself, through all these months being on my own and healing and understanding my own triggers even from childhood etc, I feel like I know myself 100% more now then I ever ever have in my whole life! And that I would go into relationships expecting someone else too fill my cup, and then having control over my cup, so they could tip it out when they felt like and refilling it here and there! I’ve learned now through a lot of hurt and basically being on my knees, leaving with nothing mentally or physically and doing all the hard work trying to heal myself... I think that’s why a lot of ppl dealing with narc’s or ppl who are emotionally abusive end up going on a spiritual sort of path, atleast for me.... it’s because they leave you so so empty and broken that you sort of dive into anything that will help u heal... that’s what I done, I wanted too know why she did these things? Or did she love me at all etc, because their actions are so up and down and conflicting your constantly in a battle in your own mind! They do love me because im here.... but their actions say they don’t love you, then they triangulate! So again your fighting for them too love you or choose you some how? When that’s so so wrong, but when your in it you fight! I fought I wanted too be number 1, I wanted her too choose me! But in relationships you should always be number 1 for each other always, lol shouldn’t have to fight everyday thinking their going too leave you 😂😂 and especially when they actually tell you things like that too your face.... breaks you! Years of that always feeling never enough, always fighting for the little scraps of love they show you! Nooooo not anymore lol I know my cup is my own, only I can fill it! Took me sooo long to realises that but I’m glad she broke me, because I’ll never put my happiness in someone else’s control every again! And if anyone reads this and are going through crap, or think you ain’t enough... or some how less of a person than them, your not!!! Not at all! You done everything with a pure intention and you loved them, even if it was a false mask you loved.... you loved them with a pure heart, and that pure heart is what they unfortunately can never have xxxxxxxx love too anyone going through it or on their healing journey, you’ll get there! I’m still healing myself but It does get easier ❤️

It was through my relationship with a covert narcie (I refer to him as "The Accidental Narcissist" - classic Golden Child of a covert Narc mother), that I remembered who I was. I was spiritual before him, but lost touch with myself trying to "fit in". (I know, right? Seems cray-cray to me now). He was the catalyst for sling-shotting me back on track, almost like on steroids, actually. ;) I have totally reclaimed myself. I will be forever grateful to him, for the lessons he taught me, and for giving me the opportunity to truly love him, whoever he was... But, I love my freedom from abuse and manipulation, my peace and harmony, and my happiness without him, much, much more. :)

I met him when I was 18... after 16 years, he’s been gone 2 months and memories are flooding back since the blinders came off. It still can be overwhelming anger and fear now, but I finally found my triggers which was huge. Why I open myself up to these types of people. “Shifting the power” and I’ve been abusing myself since long before I met him. Thank you for what you do, it’s helping me so so much 🙏

I’ve been in 2 narcissistic relationships in the past I just ended another 2 months ago. I made a mistake of telling this guy about my abusive relationships and turns out he’s a narcissist to his covert. He used my past against me. I caught him in a huge lie that was relationship ending and since I’m working on boundaries I broke up with him. He wants me back and has been trying for the last several weeks and I won’t budge now he’s throwing in my face that I am a victim and it’s my mentality because I’ve been in bed relationships and I am just a victim. And then he stepped up to say that people make mistakes and not all of them are narcissist and he’s talking about my exes at the time I never called him a narcissist even though I was positive he was one because he has this grandiose view of himself these wild fantasies of being rich I caught him in lie after lie after lie. So our final text message after you told me that victim I told him that he was a covert narcissist and if it felt better for him to think I was a victim then that’s fine and that he’s mad because I broke up with him because he ruined the relationship well he has since blocked me which is probably a good thing. This is bad situation because I work with him we’re both police officers we work fine together even with all the shit going on but I just have to remember he’s a narcissist he’s a liar and it’s pathological he’ll lie about what he ate for lunch it’s so stupid.

Thank you for spreading this message! I really needed to hear this, resonated 100% with me.

I have found all of your videos more than helpful, but this one is very special to me. I am a very sensitive person. And people have told me things similar to what you said in this video, but it was triggering to me when they said it. I don’t like it when people tell me “don’t let them win”, because that implies that I am losing. That I am a “loser.” And in order for me to not be a “loser”, I need to get rid of my PTSD. This isn’t how this video made me feel. So thank you. You always have a way of wording things in such a genuine, kind way that it isn’t hurtful or triggering. And I really appreciate that because I can understand things from another perspective that I was resisting before. You’re amazing. 🤗

Thank you for sharing your experience. I too have been through a very similar journey, so your right it does help to understand why narcissist behave the way they do. One thing that has helped me a great deal is the understanding that these people are sick mentally ill in the true meaning of the word . All the best.

I think it’s amazing you are smiling. I sometimes wonder if I’ll get past it all.

I want to thank you for taking the time to make these videos for us. This has been helping me so so much, it feels good to be understood and see I am not alone in this. I am a highly sensitive empath who was in a 4 year on and off relationship with a narcissistic girl. During those years she would date other people constantly (she couldn't stand to be alone) and all the while would keep me by a string, making me jealous and telling me i am the only person who is right for her until I gave in and dated her again. For the longest period I believed (maybe I still do to some extend) that she never meant to hurt me intentionally, but the longer I observe the more I see things where it was clear it was on purpose. She just seemed to cause arguments over everything and anything, no matter how big or small, there would be not a single day without a fight until my self-worth and inner peace was completely crushed. By the ending I kept telling her she is only finding reasons to drop what we have and accusing me of things that are not true. A couple months after she broke up she got engaged to someone else. I pray every night my thanks to God for making it all stop, and I wish to all these beautiful people who have went through similar abuse to stay strong and know it was never their fault. We may have let it happen due to delusion, but no one ever deserves to be treated that way.

The fear is huge, I completely get it. You think the worst. The rumination. It’s so interesting. Thank you for sharing xx

Thank you. Out of all the things I read about narcissists and abuse, this is the most useful, personal, and mind opening. It is about me. It so is, and now I get it. Thank you for lighting this up.

It took me a bit to come to this realization, but the moment I ended the relationship and thought of all my past romantic relationships, I realized they all resembled each other. And that’s when I knew I was the common denominator in my own suffering. And the focus shifted entirely to “how do I end up here?” And “what do I need to realize to not repeat this?” It has been a life changing self-revelation with lots of positive growth and I am certainly much happier in my life, with my life now. Thanks for making this video, wish I had seen it sooner and maybe I’d have gotten here sooner too.

You are totally right. They are all abut themselves and no change. Sometimes we forget that

WOW! Your videos are really hiitting home and helping me! I, too, was in what I now realize was a 5 yr relationship with a CN! Now that I also understand the type that I attract and why my relationships always fail, I am scared to death of men. Its exhausting!

When blind start to see, he sees far away... !!!

C! I’ll take it a step further: You HAVE to SELF introspect if you’ve had a serious encounter with a narcissist!!!!!! In my own humble opinion, you HAVE to to BREAK the chain! What is YOUR mechanism that caused u to fall into the relationship! It’s easy for us to blame the narcissist, but the REAL, BACKBREAKING work begins with US! Great episode! U touched on the Four Agreements, which were INSTRUMENTAL in helping me!!!! Possible topic for a future episode?!?!! Keep up the great work!

We are traumatized by these narcissists. The aftermath is constant bombarding of the horrific memories. No one is comfortable with anger.

I’ve been involved with a narc for almost two years. For the past year, I’ve been watching vids to help me make sense if all this. Yours were the first to actually help and make perfect sense. They’re not angry vids that blame the Narc entirely and don’t explain and ask u to take ownership for your actions and past issues that keep this person present in your life. THANK YOU!!!👏🏾👏🏾🤘🏾💯

I've gone through this so many times I went straight to empathy after I realized the situation

You did very well on this video. A lot of things resonated with me for the facts of dealing with this over emotional child that had many traumas in her background she never dealt with. Taking on all of that and being the one to constantly pick her up. It got to be a vicious cycle. The hot and cold over and over again. The breakup get back together so many times. The devalue stage lasted a year. Until I started to see what she was really doing. It was hard to break that drug of the trauma Bond. My spiritual walk started me in the right direction, thank you Jesus. I focused on all these videos over and over again to try to understand her but I was also looking at pieces of myself. The places I needed to heal in order to not get back into a situation like this again. Thank you so much for the video. You're very right shift the focus to yourself once again and heal to find happiness and contentment with yourself for all the goods and bads that you may be.

These videos were wonderful. After more than 1 narrsisis and a covert narrsisis husband of only 6 months l will pick and improve my lot now. With your help Christina and my follow thru I am now ready to put my puzzle pieces together for a better me.

Well said. Thank you. Being with an NPD is about self abandonment! I get it now!

This makes so much sense! I‘ll take these extremely negative experiences as a way to learn from life, to learn about myself, to grow! Thank you for this most important hint! Nevertheless I will never Thank the narcissist for a being a teacher…

I can relate with you Kristina when you mentioned that it is not all about the narcissist. It is all about me and the triggers that the narcissist displayed made merreflect why I landed into this crazy relationship. And I did find the answers and I begin to use it to my advantage to heal old wounds in the past like replaying all over again. Then you take action of breaking the cycle, which can be very challenging. Then the spirituality aspect comes in because I have to reach out to a Higher Power because I could not do it on my own.

I've always appreciated your videos but after this one I officially love your work. You have made me aware of those spiritual signs and reminded me that in the process of recovering from (many) narcissistic or simply toxic relationships (for me) reorienting to finding joy and meaning in my life and letting go of figuring out who was "right" has always been the path forward. In that way, I always have a moment where I let go of the fear and remember to trust that the universe has my back. I just let go of a friend who may or may not be a covert narcissist but the dynamic between us sure felt like narcissistic abuse. For some reason, letting her go was unexpectedly destabilizing and disorienting while also providing a clarity on things I could no longer ignore. It was like putting on glasses and suddenly seeing my relationships with a definition I'd never seen before. I became aware of all the moments people invalidated my experience and offered little to no empathy when I had given them what I thought was a lot of emotional support (hard to say what they experienced). The most painful part of this was noticing my own mother's strong narcissistic tendencies -- something that was pretty unnoticeable as I navigated my parents' very toxic marriage. In certain ways, she had empathy, but in other ways, if my emotions were too big or too dark or if I was too upset, she shut down and got angry, treating me with hostility and contempt. At one point I even said, why are you mad at me - I'm going to be fine - I'm not asking you to fix it - I'm just asking you to hold space for and acknowledge my emotions. She just looked at me frustrated and confused. WOW. I flashed back to moments in my youth when I cried about being bullied at school and she just got aggravated and told me to be nicer or turned it around making me feel like it was my fault. Even as a child, I got the sense that she just couldn't handle it. She cannot see me weak. We often joke that they only way she notices that I'm in pain is when I get angry. I think I learned to get angry to get my needs met. Anyway, all that is to say that these realizations were illuminating and have released an onslaught of grief. I've been grieving for so many things I never realized I lost or needed. But here is the crazy part that connects directly to this video. I know her limitations. They are now clear and obvious to me. But still I go back trying to get what I need and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't (which makes it worse in some ways). It's a process to get to radical acceptance. I had a big fight with her last night - realizing the entire time that it was all my shit - that I was actually causing her pain trying to get her to understand where I'm at right now. (Obviously I did not outright accuse her of narcissism. I was trying to get validation and empathy over something else.) I know that trying to change her to be what I need is like trying to get blood from a stone, but I guess I'm still bargaining for it anyway. Regardless, she told me that I should read The Four Agreements. Her therapist recommended it to her while she was going through her divorce. (Note - my mother was a much more reflective person in that process and I think some people do not realize that trauma can soften narcissistic tendencies temporarily. I found a connection with her during that period that I realize now that I've yearned to get back for years.) Of course I find her recommendation for it a bit ironic since she takes everything personally. (I'll sigh and she'll ask me why I'm mad at her. ) And I resisted it defensively when she told me. But perhaps, through her, the universe is giving me what I need, as the very next day, I watched this video. Many thanks for your work and to anyone who reads this entire story with love and compassion. Much love.

It's so true that narcissistic relationships triggers and brings forth whatever unhealed wounds we have from our past. Just like every narcissist basically follow the same patterns, so do we (the codependents) too. This was a subject I was very uncomfortable with in the beginning of my recovery from narcissistic abuse. It's not easy to turn the attention on ourselves and ask why we would even allow someone to treat us like that to begin with. But finding answers to those questions will ultimately help you work through the abuse and prevent finding yourself in a relationship like that again!

My love for my narcissist partner had turned me into a hostage of her abusive tyranny. I couldn’t imagine a life without her. I lived in fear of offending her. However, her gaslighting and blatant lies during the last two years of our decade long relationship had made it clear to me that I’ll have to walk away from her venomous tentacles to save myself. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it, and then I had a breakdown. It was divine intervention, and it saved me. I’m still recovering from years of abuse, and the hole her absence has left in my heart. but I’m reclaiming my life with every passing day,. It’s a spiritual journey that has made my life all the more meaningful, a gift whose worth might have passed me by, had I not endured the tyranny of the narcissist, who was the love of my life.

The Aftermath of the relationship with a narcissist video is exactly what I needed and I believe was a divine encounter for me coming across this video. Thank you.

You are a gift from God. You don’t realise how much you have helped people including me. Everything you’ve said is spot on. Thank you so much. You only deserve the best ❤️

thank you so much for your videos ♡ it sure help me go through this phase of my life.. its been 1 week since i was discarded by the narc.. the first few days were really hard i am consumed by anger and fear.. fear about him having new supply.. and then eventually as days passed i finally did self realizations.. its true that if you focus on your self you will feel better.. because in my 2yrs relationship with the narc its is ALWAYS ABOUT HIM! and never about me.. i realized that i need to bring my self back once again.. my self before i met him but the better version in life. i learned a lot from the abusive relationship. till now there were times that i cant help but think about him what i do is try to think about the pain he caused me so that i wont feel sad again.. its really hard but im thankful that it ended already and now im regaining back my self and my friends and my family ♡ its true if you know your worth and you wont abuse yourself .. they cant abuse you .. i blame my self also why i let him do this to me.. but you know its my fault also if i know my worth before then he can never use me.. love your self guys! dont lose your self for someone else's pleasure

Bingo!!, I’m going through the same exact epiphanies! Thank you for making this video. Yep. I asked WHAT AM I doing to deserve this. His sister is one of his flying monkeys. She is the covert. He is the Grandiose. Wow. And I am discovering so much about my past (ex husband also same. Grandiose). It n ended to replay in my life so I can recognize it and heal and know the real me. Thank you again. 🙏🏼

Many people would agree with you that the focus has to be with you and not them. I understand why they believe that, and I dont believe its wrong. However, lets consider this scenario. Your childhood was what it was. Nothing remarkable in memory except maybe a father who was emotionally distant and a mother who tried to make up for that. Throughout school and college nothing but normal relationships and emotions with people until marriage. The marriage lasted many many years with normal conflict-resolution patterns. Throughout the marriage a sales role afforded an opportunity to interact with thousands of different people and personalities. Some became friends. As an adult, your self-reflection indicates you are a sensitive soul; and you think it has served you well. Then, you meet her, and your entire world changes. At first its for the better by far. Then, it normalizes somewhat. Makes sense that time would dilute the fantasy. Then, it all comes crumbling down. Now, it becomes a search for a healing path. How could this possibly be caused by a problem within me? Is the entire world normal and Im the defective one? Everything in life made sense until I met her. If its all caused within me, nothing makes sense.

I’ve just started to shift the focus on me and an feel that I’m less angry and less in tuned of my ex. I know I’m slowly getting back to my normal self. I finally acknowledged and every day I note to self the triggers that hooked me to him and accepted them. You have showed me the light that if I do not deal with the triggers it will be a pattern that would continue. And if I don’t focus on my healing, he will destroy not only the real me but the good in me. Thank you for sharing your experience x

Just got out of a 9 yr relationship with an malignant overt narcissist, my mother is also an extreme overt. They feed each others ego- growing up shed tell me she loved him more than me. They’ve manipulated and abused me half of my life. I ended up meeting this new guy. Who seems great... he treated me perfectly at first-seemed to just want to help me and get to know me very well. We were supposed to move out a few days ago, after a year of a crazy rollercoaster. But the morning of, I woke up with a bad gut feeling. I looked up something like “is it normal to be tested by your partner”, and stumbled upon covert narcissism. I’m not 100% sure if he is a covert or not, but I can’t take the risk. We both grew up in narc families, I was a scapegoat child and he continues to be the golden child, a jr of the monster at that. I’m either missing out on a really good guy due to paranoia, or intuition/god is real

Thank you so much for sharing your life story. I finally realized that my ex is a covert narcissist, and I went through all the emotional phases that you mentioned in the video. I can now put a closure to my suffering, and go on to enjoy my life without ever wondering what I did wrong to have him treat me like that. He is the one who is having the problem, not me.

This is exactly my same process. I'm right now at the phase of discovering everything inside of me that was wounded from my past and why I needed to attract that situation (relationship) into my life to be able to now heal and never let anyone abuse me again. Thank you

After 6 years, thankfully the pandemic came and we were forced apart. I felt suicidal as felt it was the only way to get closure. Trauma bonding makes you feel like you can t live without them. I felt like my oxygen had been cut off. Slowly, each day, each week I started to feel joy again. For the 1st time in years, I met myself and faced things. I learned to like and love myself again. 3 years later I feel happy. I love being single and in charge of my life. I m grabbing life and all that it offers ❤

Thank you, your video has me reflecting on self discovery and unhealed flaws of mine. The first two stages Anger and fear I definately had a lot of both for a long time. I was never more afraid in my life. I had never sobbed so hard in my life and the pain wouldn't go away. My denial was very deep until the day it was shattered and there was no way to forget and go forward. There was no way i could pretend we had a relationship worth saving because there was no remose from him. Zero. The black hole of grief was bottemless. About 8 months after the discard, I googled, "Why does my heart still hurt after a breakup?". I know enough to know, it was not a normal amount of grief for a breakup, divorce or even death of a loved one, but I didnt know why. It was in that search I found Vicky Stark and her book, the Abandoned wife syndrome. My head stopped swirling for the first time since my life was stolen from me as I realized I was a victim. I knew I felt emotionally raped, but didn't know it had a label of emotional abuse. As I learned that I was a victim of emotional abuse, My experience was opposite of yours. It was the first moment I didnt take the blame. It was the realization that it was all about HIM. He wasnt getting adequate supply, so he went looking for a new supply. Then I flashed back to the red flags and slipped masks and it became clear. He has no empathy, or love for me and never did. But your video highlights a missing piece to my recovery. Although my focus is no longer on him, and although I know what signs to look for, I have not yet specifically connected his behavior to my personality flaws. to some degree, i know, I need someone who is an emotional match, but you hit on a perception that is new to me. From here, I have some more reflecting to do. Thank you for the insight.

My fear is taking him back when he hoovers or repeating this mistake again with someone else. I’m afraid that I don’t trust myself.

Thank you so much for your guidance and advice!!! I am so determined to grow and become the best me I can everyday! I hope to heal the world someday! We can all be better beings! We just have to try! ☮💜🤗

I agree completely. I have had the same epiphany and spiritual Awakening. Irregardless of how bad he treated me, I am and will be always grateful for him and being the divine intervention I needed, took me 16 years and marriage but... Thanks love learning all I can, keep it up!

Excellent video. While I think a spiritual experience is different from a religious one (I'm not religious at all), the point that it is not about the abuser but you is growth producing no matter which direction it takes. Keep up the good work; you are a natural...

Thank you! The experience made it crystal clear that I had a habit of "rescuing" people and settling for less than I deserved. It's been six months since I ended things and I didn't even realize the association (brief 4-5 months) was with a Covert narcissist until it was over. I just knew I wasn't OK tolerating the behavior, my fault or not, and that it felt too *familiar* I'm good being alone while I work on myself. Never again.

I Just had my divine intervention the 10/10/2020 and i Could not ignore the Message, it was clear it showed me the risk my life was , and never knew, i cant Begin to expalined how it felt but im grateful i can see now!

You are very true and clear about the narcs. Thank you.

Often with narcissistic abuse, we continue to attract varying types of narcissists when we haven't healed or paid attention to the red flag warnings. HD Tudor states the Empath and codependent are addicted to narcs because they often go out of their way in the love bombing stage to do nice things, similar to what empaths due out of a good heart, but for the purpose of obtaining a new "supply" or "fuel" or "victim". What others would look at and say, wow that is over the top, I'll pull back, the empath says, "Wow wasn't that sweet" or "Wasn't that thoughtful and the co-dependent is looking for validation they never had in their life. We do have to heal the underlying hurts that make us vulnerable, or if as an empath, we just have to stop making excuses for their bad behavior that catches you off guard after the love bombing stage. For me I had a major narc. abuse with a covert narc. and after that, have attracted several others to a lesser degree with very different presentations. I've learned they come in every variety and in every type of setting, particularly in small religious settings. I think often people have to at least have several experiences prior to learning. The last one caught me off guard because I'd known the person for some time(7 years), been in a working relationship with her, then we went our separate ways, but ended up in the same church. Even then I knew her multiple years with really basically no abuse( probably very minor red flags), though she was very willing to bend my ear, and I was very willing to have it bent. When she left her husband her primary source suddenly wasn't available anymore. Plus her children had moved away and were being distant. I believe these along with other family she regularly beat up, and could maintain a great persona otherwise. When I took a more primary role in her life, I got too close and she began the massive devaluing since there was no one else to beat up and she'd shown me her true self which was far different then the public persona she maintains with less intimate partners. There were warning signs I excused away because of knowing her before and thinking it was just accidental, but then she has the victim game downpat.

I could not thank you enough.... You managed to help me through after being discarded after 11 years of a relationship... THANK YOU 🙏

This is my favorite video of you so far. I love that you said it was all about you. It puts everything in to such a different perspective. I went thru 2 narcs. First one 5 years second one 21 years. Both of them said they were jealous of me. I never understood that. It still doesn’t make sense to me. I think most of the time I was confused because I just couldn’t believe another person could treat another person so bad. I believe in truth and honesty. so I believed them. Now I’m scared that I will attract another Narc. I’m so guarded I think everyone is a narcissist lol!!! At least now I’m learning the red flags from people like you. So thanks!

You're a lot more intelligent than me. I didn't catch on till much later after major psychological intervention. A lot of anxiety and depression. Still working on it. What you said about catastrophic thinking and the chemicals really hit home. Thanks😊.

Great education and thanks for sharing. Could relate completely, everybody is different but for me it’s the huge swings you still have in feelings even though they’ve gone. Some of that fear was leftover trauma bond highs n lows and also worry about them telling lies again where we work (they’ve left now). They are grandmasterclass at hoodwinking others at work and I worried about my value in their eyes, my integrity and decency and honesty are very important to me. But I know I need to focus on just being me, and try to let that go. It’s tricky as good people are duped as I was but on a lesser level. The bubbling up you talk about is a constant for months ( I’ve been here before). My triggers are well known, I’ve been working on them, this is about me. I’m looking to be treat myself better from now, I’ll still give very hard but I’ll keep in mind why I do and look for red lights from self, as well as others . I will try to shift the focus to me as giving it them is exhausting

Sheer, profound grief with moments of excruciating, blinding panic ... never to see the person again... followed by extreme anguish, aching yearning, such protracted longing... and finally, eventual acceptance and soul weary resignation...the person is not coming back... followed by research into the behavioural disorder....then the sad realisation that this person cannot love and is incapable of compassion or empathy... and a very brief moment of anger mingled with confusion...and self realisation and rumination...followed by recovering the self and life as ongoing diversional therapy. Narcissistic abuse is definitely not a spiritual lesson nor is it something one deliberately wishes upon oneself. Some victims never recover. Loss of esteem-self worth- integrity-self belief-self trust are violations not lessons. Not everyone has one's best interests at heart... because they may not have one.

Incredibly brave of you to share your story. Very helpful! Thank you so much!

I can relate, but I could not give up until I actually caught him in the act of cheating. Now to get a divorce and move on.

I have been torn down and rebuilt

My first ex was an OVERT narcissist. As was my second ex. When I moved to Minnesota I started attracting covert ones. so now I am seeing a therapist to try to figure out why I just attract these terrors

Having watched this and looking back at my past behaviours around men, I realised today that I've had possibly 3 or 4 narcissistic abusive relationships, all have significantly impacted on my life and sense of self, but all have happened when I have felt vulnerable or deeply unhappy. I especially knew what was happening in the one I'm in now, as I had seen it all before. I'm so baffled as to why I have kept going with it despite getting nothing, but I guess the quote "someone can only abuse you as much as you abuse yourself” resonates far more than I had thought. It is about how I view myself, my core belief. That is what I must work on.

Thank you so much for explaining the trauma bond. I wish I found this video years ago. I’ve been suffering for years

The Four Agreements is a book to help one heal from bad events. I’m happy to hear you referenced the book.

I know this is about dating, but what brought me here was friendship. I was absolutely lost only two weeks ago. I have complex ptsd and learned that my disorder is too severe to maintain a long term relationship. It's hard enough on my family, I can't bear putting someone else through that just for wanting to love me so I've been single for 3 years. But I thought friendship was pretty safe. You don't live with them, generally. You're not constantly around them, and when you are, it's to catch up, hang out, or just be a support to each other. But I seem to keep befriending the same type of people, and I always think I learned my lesson until I'm trying desperately to escape someone who refuses to let me be in peace. Even after they say horrible things and tell me I'm a horrible person. So this may be about dating, but it goes for any close relationship, I think. I'm still trying to process the last 6 months of psychological and emotional abuse from a female friend who claimed to share my faith. I completely lost myself trying to constantly keep up with and appease her current mood. Because of my faith, I turned the other cheek until I was raw. She used the Bible to guilt me into always being the good, forgiving, meek, humble, and submissive Christian girl only to accuse of not being saved at all. By the time I realized she was never going to stop, I isolated myself from everyone. I doubted my own mind, my own judgment, and even my salvation, knowing all the while that she was wrong. How does this happen? My head is still in a pretzel, but these videos are so validating and educational, so I'm feeling much better than I did even a week ago. Thank you for that. I feel sure you've addressed the topic of platonic friendships with these types of people before, but have you ever addressed their use of spiritual abuse on your channel? I would love to see that.

One thing I can’t understand is how a narc can have a relationship with someone and have no empathy or love for that person. This is humanity. Doesn’t the narc want to give love and understanding? These qualities can add to a persons wholesomeness. I assume that the narc may fear losing power if vulnerability is shown and therefore only attends to their own needs.

This video resonates so much I wonder if you are my higher self!?! Thank you, this has been the hardest lesson I've had to learn.

Just what I needed to hear! You are RIGHT. I appreciate your work so much. Please keep it up! ♥️

I just had to be with my narc x for the first time in 8 years since he discarded me without warning- engingnour 14 yrs of marriage. I did great! Cuz I’ve done hard work these last 8 years!! I didn’t give away ANY of my energy! Stayed grey rock calm the whole time. Here’s the thing, at one point I thought for just a split second that maybe he had turned a corner. I was surprised when he brought up his interest in the work of Bessel van der Kolk - and made reference to his deep interest in his own healing. In that splurge second I felt the old familiar feeling of attraction to him - BUT- i was quick to recognize his same old smarmy seduction gig ( not changed in these 8 years!) I realized that he knew from our kids that I’ve been reading and learning a ton about trauma and that ivevtradveverythingbthst Brddel can set kolk has written!!! I realized instantly that he was trying to get me to be interested in him!!! I stayed conscious / and didn’t bite the bait!! Just as you said: do you know longer has the power. I was frankly not interested in his interest in Bessel van der Kolk, I am not interested in him. It felt great!!!!!!! And it still feels great!. So to those of you who are practiced at being codependent, and are trying to detox from narcisdtic relationships, take heart! I am 65 years old, and after eight years of learning how to hold onto my energy, and stay away from energy vampires like my ex, I am now able to walk in the world in an entirely different way. I am receptive when I want to be, and no longer vulnerable to predatory neediness like that of my ex. But focus on yourself! No matter what your age, it It’s never too late to live the life you were intended to live!

...the anger, the fear, when no one believes you because its only you the narc does the horrible things to while he projects a nice imagine of himself outside. The hoovering, the smear campaign after the mean discard. It's just crazy...

My life has changed sooo much for the better since i was divorced from a 17 year marriege with a narc. Had i only known 2 years ago how my sight on life would change, it is incredible. From being so scared and confused and angry to being a totally different strong and Happy person. I now live my life, am doing way better financial, eventhough i have less money than being with the narc. I still have some Problems, but i can Deal with it, because i am now strong. It is all about me and the people i love and who deserves being loved by me. Love from Switzerland

I had no idea about any of this narcissism borderline personality disorder the close to be persei until I have went through it with my wife of 18 years only in this last year that I discover that this was going on and without my knowledge boom she discarded me that's when I really don't wind of what the h*** happened I didn't understand what happened but my counselor helped me in many ways to see the light and thank God for your guys as KZfaq videos to help that I'm not alone in this world thank you very much you guys are awesome world of inspiration

I definitely need these , the discards and me begging my Narc back has been a pattern since damn near beginning going on 10 yrs.. finally was able to block my narc off my social media yesterday evening.. never done that before so I’m getting better.. thank u

I need to watch this video. I hate it whenever malicious gossip gets repeated back to me because then my anxiety levels only get worse. I just thought of something. Since I left long ago instead I need to be questioning why that person feels the need to be repeating that gossip about my past to me.

It's true it was all about me, what resonated with me was the fact that we only allowed them to abuse us as much as we would have abused ourselves. So in a way we can kind of thank them for leading background us back to ourselves . I still have bouts of denial accepting the fact when he said he didn't care he really meant it when he said hateful things he really meant it, people say things when they're mad that they don't mean. But not the narcissist has all the injuries physical as well as mental and emotional, learning he never cared and never would really really stunned and numbed to a point where I am still emotionally crippled. If I hadn't found these videos I would have never figured out what was really happening to me and between him and I. Still working on healing and self-improvement

I reacted with anger which I feel I should not have. Also, there were times that my expectations were to high. I also ignored a lot of red flag. I’ll work on that. Thank you

Hey, I’m glad I came across your video because my experience, my personal experience, after leaving my narcissist was very similar to yours.

Thank you so much for all of your vids!!! You have helped me tremendously!!

To this day my x tells me I’m the narcissist! He’s the empath.. I well today I just don’t respond .. I realize today that he will never take any responsibility for his behaviors. And he will never change. And it’s not my fault.

I had vivid nightmares after breaking up with my narc. I was convinced he was going to attack me because he often joked about hurting and even grape-ing me when he was upset. Looking back, he could barely muster the energy to get off his couch most days. There was no way he was going to attack me.

Still feeling wounded and at time impossible to heal but with the grace I feel will make it.. Your vids makes me know am not alone and I have to forgive myself for allowing him to use me and abuse me.

You rock...me...me right there! 9 years married to a covert. whos family all have N traits but my mother in law was a 100% exhibitionistic N. 5 months out from the final disconnect. 5 weeks out from learning what a N was....Have been learning so much...it explains the last 10 years of my life... and a whole lot more...

EVERYTHING you said resonated with me. Including discovering The Four Agreements! But get this... I gave my ex narc a copy of it to try to help him!! I was still trying to make him better. Wow! My codependency was top notch!

Just hit the Self Awareness phase. Had been in the fear stage for a while, with anger, but after digging deep about it, I really needed to focus on why I was the target, and what I was doing. Just focusing on myself to figure out why. This was in the last week or so, and who knows where this will go.