Ahhh. This one is personal.
I wrote this song in September when I was realizing some ugly truths about my self esteem that I didn't dare face before I was in a relationship. As a single teenager (and then woman), I always believed I would gladly accept the love I deserved once I finally received it. I was "holding out for the right one" and ready to live happily ever after with him. But once I got there, I squirmed internally. I constantly predicted rejections that didn't come, punishments that never happened and abandonment I have yet to see. The more I opened up, the more I flinched and expected pain. But I was welcomed with open arms and that hurt the most.
It hurt me to realize I haven't always been accepted by men. That I haven't really been known before this. That men I've known haven't really taken an interest in who I am past the surface. It felt like no one ever tried for me and that cut deep. I saw things about my past that I'd been avoiding for years and they poured out into this song. So much pain from my past came crashing out of me as I bawled my eyes out in my bed writing these lyrics.
This song came quickly and easily from start to finish because it's true. I was just telling my story.
So to anyone who happens upon this and hears it, thank you for listening. Thank you for giving me a chance. If you relate to this, I'm sorry to hear that and I hope you can heal and find real love soon. It is worth the wait, worth the struggle and it can hurt just as much as the pain of your past but it brings a reward much better than how things are now: peace.
Thank you guys so much for listening and sharing this song.
You can also listen HERE:
SPOTIFY: open.spotify.com/track/6mjvn3...
ITUNES/APPLE MUSIC: / i-dont-deserve-it-single
GOOGLE PLAY: play.google.com/store/music/a...
LYRICS:
I wanna look confident, I wanna be tough. I spent 24 years alone, hiding from everyone.
But then you came along, and we fell in love. I’m not used to being seen this much by anyone.
I’ve been invisible since I was a child. I’m good at comforting myself when I cry.
And all this time I didn’t know the reason why. But I can see it now with you by my side
CHORUS: When you look at me, when you ask me how I’m doing, when you take the time to get to know me, it’s all too much. When you talk to me, it’s the simple things that kill me. And I love the way you love me, but I feel like I don’t deserve it.
The way I see myself, it isn’t right. Undeserving, so unworthy of a minute of your time.
And I can’t just be myself, I try so hard. I want to earn love and affection so I play my part
I’ve been invisible since I was a child. It’s hard to sit here now and let you see me cry
And yeah it’s painful always keeping it inside. But when you look into my eyes,
I wanna run and hide
CHORUS: When you look at me, when you ask me how I’m doing, when you take the time to get to know me, it’s all too much. When you talk to me, it’s the simple things that kill me. And I love the way you love me, but I feel like I don’t deserve it.
BRIDGE:
I feel like I deserve to be alone, I feel like I’m worse than everyone. And I’ve always felt this way.
But you still love me as I am, you still want me and I don’t understand
CHORUS: When you look at me, when you ask me how I’m doing, when you take the time to get to know me, it’s all too much. When you talk to me, it’s the simple things that kill me. And I love the way you love me, but I feel like I don’t deserve it...
Love you guys forever and ever.
Thank you for listening.
xoxo - Lisa Cimorelli