"The writing is so stilted it's hurricane proof" is a good line. Haha

Next time we'll get that third piece of Spider Wisdom: With responsible power comes greatness.

I knew it would be bad when they announced a Madame Web movie lol. Who asked for that!?

Using CPR to treat poisoning is this movie's version of that scene from Robyn Hood where the evil police lady is going over drone footage and says "switch to thermals" to make the camera zoom in.

Also, she stole that taxi and just drives around this stolen taxi for a week straight... Including to the airport.

With the writers of Morbius behind this movie, one shouldn't be surprised at the quality.

Let their be Carnage, Morbius and now Madame Web. Sony really knows how to pull off a hat trick of failures.

The writers, Sazama and Sharpless, also wrote: Dracula Untold, The Last Witch Hunter, Gods of Egypt, Power Rangers, Morbius. Hollywood just doesn't know how to improve.

I'm convinced.... Hollywood HATES money 🤔

In the dim-lit halls of cinematic woes, Where shadows dance and laughter flows, Gathered are those with pockets lean, For a peculiar spectacle, a curious scene. They come, not for the glamour or the fame, But for the cringe, the ridicule, the shame. A motley crew with a shared decree, To witness the spectacle, the absurdity. For coin they endure the cinematic plight, Through plots contrived and acting trite, Their eyes may cringe, their souls may weep, Yet they soldier on, their vigil to keep. They laugh at the dialogue, wooden and stale, And marvel at plots that always fail. They mock the monsters, the CGI crude, And the heroes whose fates seem so skewed. But amidst the chaos, a bond is found, In the laughter that echoes all around. For in this shared folly, they find delight, In the madness of movies that defy the light. So here's to the brave souls who dare to tread, Where bad movies dwell and dreams have fled. For in their quest for laughter and gold, They find treasures untold, in stories untold.

I hate that they made Ezekiel a villain. I love him in Spiderman's first fight against Morlun and hate how they wasted him in this trash. But the extent of their thought process: 'Rich White guy? BAD!'

It was an amazing watch, because I can't think of the last movie I saw where NOTHING worked.

2:46 Ah good old "As you know Bob" exposition. Isn't this like one of the first things writers are warned against?

So let me get this straight. A pregnant woman in what I assume is in her third trimester, thought it responsible to go on a scientific expedition in the jungles of Peru? Like, what?!? If that was the thought process from the beginning then the rest of the movie didn’t stand a chance. I in no way expect everything in a movie to be realistic but it has to make sense for a cohesive story. Are they even trying anymore? A rhetorical question, the answer is obviously no.

So what we have is Dakota Johnson being awkward, being ill-suited to the role, and starring in a film that isn't particularly interesting beyond a flashy premise and is actively disinformative at times. Where have I seen this before? Greg video, Greg.

The old ladies from the GEICO commercial 😅

But, Greg, we learned so much about CPR, family, neurotoxins, and Peru! THIS WAS BASICALLY FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE IN ONE SINGLE MOVIE GREG

If i was making this movie, the plot would be like Terminator, but with Spiderman. Madam Web and the other 2 teleport to different universes to do a job specific to that universe. Sort of like eXiles. They can't leave until the job is done. This universe they have to protect Mary and Ben Parker, as well as ensure that Mary gives birth to Peter. All while being chased by the Bad Guy, who wants to kill Spiderman in every universe. They eventually kill him and its revealed that there is an entire society dedicated to killing Spiderman. Also, Marketing opportunity of Baby Peter Parker in a little outfit with Spiderman's colors.

So that whole scene in the trailer when they had their spider costumes on was just a dream scene???? I didn’t think it was gonna be that bad 🫣

The cast of Batgirl is saying how did this movie get made and released 😡 and our movie was deleted from the universe WTF 😂😂😂

Wait, so the bird lives? Wouldn't it have had more impact if the bird was her first vision and it died but later she sees her co-worker dying but that gives her the will to try to change fate and save him, making her question the possibility of having powers given she saw she was given the possibility of two outcomes but having broken out of her awkwardness she saved a co-worker???? The bird could have been used for a soft emotional moment given it was a small animal and seeing it die just like the vision could upset her but instead they just Final Destination her co-worker, possibly giving her trauma but the bird is the one had to be saved?

Why did they cast Sydney Sweeney, one of the sexiest women in the world, for a high school character dressed in baggie overalls and frumpy glasses? Was the sequel supposed to be like a She's All That kinda thing?

You forget the best part: When Morbin apear and say "IT'S MORBIN TIME" !!!

Your comparison of watching New York Stock footage and someone outside the cinema shouting Spiderman had me in fits 😂😂😂

At this point Marvel isn't evne trying any more and virtually anything superhero related not coming from Japan is gonna be garbage.

I almost want to see this now because it sounds like Neil Breen wrote the script.

Uwe Boll offended he wasn't called to direct this.

The villain getting killed by Pepsi product placement is so shameless it's almost unbelievable

I guess I missed a lot while watching the movie. All I was thinking near the end is how those "Spider-Women" would be in their forties when Peter becomes Spider-Man which was weird in itself. Thanks for reminding me of all the other weird plot holes.

But why does it seem to never have any consequences? Why do heads never roll? Why aren't theaters asking wtf is up? Like this never ends. How?

What amazes me the most is how you can have the film rights to all of these weird colorful comic book characters, and still only come up with the plotting equivalent of an Ed Sheeran B-side single.. They could've done anything...... They could've intercut an origin story for Spider-Gwen with one for Madame Web, and made them team up in the 3rd act. They could've made her paralysed and blind (i.e. comics accurate) and nihilistic about her disability, then made it a film about her finding her heroic purpose, when Miles Morales dumps into her universe with some cool villain following him. They could've made a movie about Madame Web losing her world's Spider-Woman, and then astral project herself through the spiderverse searching for the alternate-reality-Spider-Women who can help her defeat Venom or whatever. You know.... Something fun. With superheroes. And a multiverse. And a character arc.

I almost feel bad for Dakota Johnson. She was convinced to take the role because she thought she was joining the MCU (when it was still good).

Another thing is, the movie takes place in the early 2000s, which they give subtle hints to but never explicitly say, such as Cassi passing a Blockbuster Video store in the ambulance, almost no one having a cell phone, and Britney Spears' Toxic being a new song on the radio. It's supposed to be in the 2000s, cause Ben Parker's sister is implied to have given birth to Peter Parker in the third act. Also, this movie was Amy Pascal's passion project and was in production since 2014. Midnight's Edge did a really great video on it, but essentially this was the first "M-She-U" movie back when Captain America and the Winter Soldier was a thing in Marvel. That's why this movie is so bad; it's literally been in production hell for ten years.

Wow - just wow. Much appreciation for you taking the bullet on this one. Even if it is a bullet we saw coming from a mile away and were planning to avoid it. You still jumped in the way for the good of all - and salvage a bit of humor from it. Talk about making lemonade from - well - bullets? Time for me to stop the analogies, I'm clearly no good at it. Always love your content and the clip inserts to drive your points home are getting better and better. Great time as always!

Greg, got an idea for a video. We were rewatching Tom Cruise's War of the Worlds & The Minority Report, and John Travolta's Phenomenon. We noticed not only are their main characters the protagonists, but in a weird way they were also the main characters for other other characters' world. It was unnaturally important to minor characters to ask the protagonist's opinions and assessments of scenarios. Plus, they use the protagonist's names like a million times. I only mention this cuz I saw the set-up again with Rey and secondary characters like Finn being so weirdly invested in her. There's more to unpack but I thought you might want to consider this. No worries if it's not a good fit for the channel.

This is one of the greatest bait-and-switches in trailer history since Steven Seagal 'starred' in Executive Decision!

"The writing is so stilted it's hurricane-proof." Gold. Put that on the poster.

This movie has been in production since 2016 and they changed the script so many times and did so many reshoots. They should have just put two hrs of bouncing boobs on the screens.

Is it me or is Dakota always in her "sexy bedroom voice" mode for all her promotional interviews? Makes me wonder whether it was ordered or whether it's just her default go-to.

I pray the era of bad movies will never end; I can't live in a world without your videos.

Someone somewhere thought a spiderman cinematic universe without spiderman was somehow a good idea.

“She leaves them in the woods alone, and tells them she will be back in a few hours. She’s a paramedic by profession” 😂😂😂

The whole thing smells like an adopted script, this thing must have been collecting dust and someone crossed out the title and wrote "spider lady"

You saved me about $18, so the least I can do is leave a like. Appreciate you also saving me about 2 hours I would never have gotten back

Most of the Ezekiel stuff had me dying laughing. Just him randomly showing up in his evil Spider-Suit killing random people, every time he tries to do a cool slow walk it just looked dumb af, when he was walking upside down in the Diner his feet didn't even touch the celieng so it just looked like he was floating, and him getting ran over by Cassandra Web twice.

I did like when Dakota tried to climb the wall - that was a moment of genuine fun. And when she’s telling pregnant ERobs at the baby shower how her mother died in childbirth, that was a great black humor moment.

Your review videos keep getting better and better👏🏼 Informative and enjoyable

As soon as you said the bad guy is a French Actor playing a South American character for whom English is a second language, I thought "Kirk Lazarus from Tropic Thunder!". And then you played that exact clip! I must have spider powers that somehow let me see into the future so they're not spider powers at all!

Oh, I knew this would bomb harder than the Enola Gay when I found out Dakota Johnson fired her agent the very day the trailer come out.

Fantastic write up. Great presentation! They don’t get powers?! Whaaat??!! Not a superhero movie then, is it…ugh!

There is an old law in writing. An author cannot write a character smarter than they are. Otherwise they just... don't actually seem smart. Feel like that's the biggest problem with recent Disney stuff. All the smart writers joined the strike. 😅

These writers are the Timothy McVeighs of Hollywood.

The funniest thing about the "with great responsibility comes great power" thing is that it's literally a paraphrase of a villain quote, to basically sum up his view on why he became a villain. There was a "good" Green Goblin in the comics who decided to turn villain and become an enforcer for the Kingpin. He did this by murdering the previous Hobgoblin and stealing all his sh*t, and he said some variation of this line, demonstrating that he's a villainous parallel to Spider-Man.

I can’t wait for the sequel where we’ll hear more wisdom “With responsible greatness comes the great power’s responsible responsibility.”

This is like... 'my first fanfic' on Wattpad level bad writing. The handling of the characters' backstories, the dialogue, the plot contrivances -- everything is just so, *so* bad. And not even in a fun, stupid or campy way. It sounds like it's even worse than I heard Fifty Shades's writing was (especially in movies 2 & 3) from various video essays and articles-on. That is not the kind of achievement that should even be possible, let alone tried for, but I can't see how anyone in charge of the film could have been aiming for anything else when they let this atrocity get released as a 'finished' product.

Bro the eye winking killed me 😆

Your version of this movie with your edits were epic. 😂😂

I NEED to know the behind-the-scenes of this movie. Like, what happened?? How and WHY did it end up so BAD??

Saying a spider is special because of the peptides it has is like saying a book is special because it has special words in it.

For awhile, if you pinned me down I guess I'd say yeah, I dont KNOW if this or that modern movie will fail. But recently and certainly with Madame Web, yeah I freaking KNEW. It's almost science at this point, and what does that say about whomever green-lights this? It's gross negligence plain and simple. Why do they have that job and are able to keep it? We know the answer to that, but that's not my point of this and a different conversation.

wow Greg, your description of this "movie" is hilarious!. You have quite the imagination, sir! there is no WAY a professional film studio would create something this ridiculous. Very funny video :)

Dakota Johnson always seemed like she was on too many meds during interviews...of course I guess I would be too, after starring in this steaming pile. With terrible screenwriting comes terrible unemployment.

Do CPR to fight a neurotoxin? WTF Even the comedy television show Tacoma FD wouldn't say that nonsense. 🤦‍♂️

I am dumbfounded that Morbius writers got another chance and came up with this? Its one thing to take stupid risks and utterly fail(which is at least bold) but to create something so offensively bland twice in a row is, oh boy, such a gift. Stuck in 2000s is a real issue, folks.

Real talk: a lot of these bad superhero movies are coming out because the IP owner needs to keep releasing property-adjacent films in order to keep the rights. That's all it is.

When you take on the responsibility, great power will come…. That’s literally the opposite of the original line!! That just sounds like another way to say “step into your power” and by no means denotes taking responsibility for things that you are capable of doing when you can do them. Such an awful use of the line

If they wanted to go with a female spider-themed character there are so many ways they could have gone. For example, they could have just done a Julia Carpenter/Spider-Woman (or, better yet- call her Arachne- which is the name she eventually winds up using in comics). Super easy origin: Big company tests her and other college students for a so-called "athletic study" trying to duplicate Spider-Man's powers and winds up killing a bunch of kids, except for her. The company uses her as their lackey until she finds out what they did and rebels against them and reveals their crimes. Movie writes itself. Spider-Man is even (obliquely) connected in a realistic way (the company finds his blood on a crime scene or something to create their formula). Julia Carpenter's powers are pretty cool with psi-webs and such too... ah well. In short: Movie makers are dumb.

Hey Greg, good video as always. I didn't even know this movie existed until just now lol. I was wondering if you were going to cover Hazbin Hotel? I really liked the pilot back when it came out in 2018 but it seems the show missed the mark and everyone dislikes it. From the sound of it, I would also probably dislike it, even though I still like the pilot.

Last I checked Peter's dad is Ben's younger brother. Peter's mom is NOT Ben's sister.

Thanks greg for suffering through these trash fires, so we don't have to😢

I always thought Uncle Ben was Richard Parker's brother not Mary Parker's. But I suppose Sony know better than me.

'CPR combats neurotoxins" 😂😂😂

If Ben and Mary are siblings - Either she and Richard had the same last name Or He took Mary's last name after marriage.

I hope Madam Web doesn’t make budget just from hate-watching

Thank you. I laughed several times 💙

I always feel sad when movies turn out to be more boring than the trailer made them look. I feel even sadder when trailers for a bad movies are so bad, many viewers who respond to the trailers can already smell how bad Allegiant, The Emoji Movie, Madame Web and Megamind versus The Doom Syndicate are going to be! Seriously, I think Madame Web is the least exciting movie none of its actors wanted to promote since Allegiant. The book Allegiant was so bad, Lionsgate just gave up after Part 1 and never made Part 2. March 6, 2024, 3:49am

I haven’t even heard of this show but it’s fun to see you make fun of it. Carry on my friend

As someone who appreciates trash movies like Morbius and the Marvels as the unintentional comedies that they are, I'm definitely going to watch this. Just not any time soon.

Why do adventures always start in taverns? Why can't they begin in the middle of a catastrophe or while sitting next to each other watching a circus performance or a Philip Glass production?

They should have ended the movie with Sydney Sweeney saying "It's MadameWebbin' time!" with the same energy she delivers every line in everything she has ever been in (re: none) so at least the writers from Morbius fame who also did this nightmare would have shown some emotional honesty in giving the audience another huge middle finger.

I don't see why Spider-Man can't be a guest star in these Spider-Man less stories.

I know people use the argument of ‘how can you judge something when you haven’t watched it yet’. So far haven’t been wrong even after seeing the trailer but I do love seeing this argument being copy pasted everywhere.

They had Sydney Sweeney and they didn't put a costume on her (i don't count this "dream"). That's a crime.

I haven't even watched this movie yet and I want my money back

If they'd just made another boring superhero film , at least that would have been something, what I can't understand is , what the hell did they spend all that money on ?

Thank you for helping me avoid a land mine I wasn’t thinking of seeing anyways. 😂

It’s been so long since I’ve given a shit about spoilers for a movie.

Maybe they are going through all of the popular IPs they own looking for female characters to make scripts about because anything female lead right now is the brand.

This movie would've actually benefitted from Avi Arad stepping in and demanding more connections to Spiderman

Looks like they were shooting the moon and hoping for a The Room level disaster film

Y’all making me wanna watch this. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen something so horrible to reset what I use as the benchmark of horrible.

Mary Parker is Ben's sister-in-law, not his sister. Richard Parker is her husband.

But Greg, how awesome was it when Dakota shouts "It's madam time!"

My favourite part of the movie was when Madame Web said "It's Madame Webbin' time!"

Like button starts glowing as you asked. Ya got me!

It seems like movie makers are oblivious to how bad most films are these days. This has to be the lowest point in Hollywood's history.

I....I need to watch this train wreck. I must

Will Madam Web have the honot to be classified as a modern ”Turkey Movie”😂

But Greg you don't understand, the writers are totally going to redeem the plot device dream by having the villain survive for the next movie and that's when the girls are gonna get their girl boss powers that are spider themed cause reasons and the vision will finally come to fruition cause he just doesn't know when to quit. That will be their absolutely redeeming moment to win all the Oscars, movie of the year. And everybody will clap

I knew my chronic arachnophobia would come in useful one day. But at least I finally googled 'black wedding ring' and cleared up that question.