Also, if Madame web started off as a lifeguard she would’ve been wearing red, wearing glasses, while sitting in a throne-like chair. It’s even better foreshadowing.

Imagine making a movie so bad that you were taken out of the same cinematic universe as Morbius

Dakota Johnson 🤝 Robert Pattinson: just lying in interviews for their own amusement

Now I just want Dakota to simply star in a movie about a pathological liar that just lies for the hell of it.

"Poor, terminally offline, crystal loving yakubian" I'm dying.

I still can’t believe Sony made one of the worst superhero movies ever made and followed it up with an even worse movie

The bit that made me laugh out loud. She removes the number plates from the cab so that it can't be identified but completely ignores the fact that the lights on the roof have the exact same registration number displayed.

" it's a good thing you didn't realize today was the day you were going to die" is something I would have had one of my homemade comic book characters say when I was like 6 I love it

"With great responsibility, great power will come." The writers must have been incredibly proud of themselves for thinking of the laziest line ever.

The movie completely brushes past how Missus Webb lures an emergency helicopter to the explosion factory and causes the death of like 3 or 4 innocent people. What a hero.

My gf is a paramedic and honestly, this is probably the most realistic aspect of the entire film. Paramedics do not give a shit ab their patients. They're broken. They have no empathy, they can't or else they'd go insane 😂

21:56 The "Whaaaa...Huuhh? DiD I hAvE a ViSioN?" killed me every time😂😂😂😂

As a paramedic who works with other paramedics, I can safely say that a paramedic with a lack of empathy is actually one of the most accurate on-screen depictions we've ever gotten. And we don't get a lot of those.

I was in the amazon researching spiders right before you dropped this video

When they were choosing the three girls, I'm sure some exec was like "yea, we need a white one, black one, and latino one. Oh, and Sydney Sweeney's popular now so choose her for the white one."

There was a video on KZfaq (I don't recall the channel, but I'll edit this if I find it) that actually explained why Vogue were presenting celebrity houses: the celebrities don't actually live in the houses they're presenting. They actually own multiple estates, and are trying to increase the resell value by making it more appealing and seemingly that they've lived and cared for the mansion. The KZfaqr went into depth, and a few months after each video posted on Vogue, the celebrity houses were put into auction. So the reason why Dakota lied, as she confessed, is the professional decoraters on set made the house appealing and she was coming up with stories on the spot. Someone chose to present limes, and Dakota just thought of "oh I love limes so much" despite being allergic. I hope that answers why she lied about something like that!

The segment talking about Dakota Johnson lying for fun was hilarious 😭

My wife is a paramedic. You start the job caring about... anything. For a few months. Then after a year you've seen so much shit you kinda just burn out your empathy and become Dakota Johnson. So honestly. This is pretty accurate.

37:55 "her best friend is gonna get gunned down like a dog" I can't 😂😂😂😂😂😂

16:37 Bro is rating humans now ☠️

Fun fact dakota johnson fired her agent after this movie

my favourite part of this movie is when they want us to believe syndey sweeney is a nerdy, bullied, low self esteem introvert

The wanted criminal catching a plane in 2003 NYC feels like something an AI writing a script wouldn't understand.

“Earn her iconic disabilities” made me choke on my cookies 😭😭😭

It’s insane that all of Evil Spider-Man’s lines are poorly dubbed.

Dakota johnson is wrong its actually Spiderman and the Prisoner of Azkaban,Spiderman Shippuden and last but not least Spiderman and The Empire Strikes Back where Spiderman finally learned how to channel his web shooters into Plasma beams

I think the main problem with Madam Web was that literally no one cared about the film. It wasn’t made out of artistic passion and just a quick way to cash in on Marvel’s dying embers. The screenwriters didn’t care, the director didn’t care, the actors didn’t care, nobody cared. So why would an audience?

In defense of Dakota Johnson the limes lie is because Architectural Digest likely put them there as decoration the way that they put flowers and other shit around a house they are touring because they want the house clean and uncluttered but then it also looks oddly empty so they fill the space with random shit. Being surprised by the ridiculous number of limes that they filled her kitchen with is probably the most relatable thing about her honestly

The celestial balance of Sony pictures making Morbius & Madam Web, while also making the 2 Spider-Verse movies

8:01 IS HE DOING ONE HANDED COMPRESSIONS???? WHAT

The way she stammered at "Do you really love limes?" when she could have easily said "Oh I love limes, but they don't love me!" in a joking manner would have been fine.... Who hurt this woman?

My dad has a very low standard for good movies, he loved X-Men Origins Wolverine when it came out, and thought Morbius was decent. He turned this on with my mom and I was like “I heard that is the worst movie they’ve made recently.” and he’s all like “don’t listen to reviews before you watch something. Have your own opinion 😡.”. I came back a few hours later and he said WITHOUT paraphrasing “I’m sorry son. You were right.”

I can't believe that you didn't mention the fact that EVERY time Madame Web has a can of soda on screen she is incapable of opening it, someone pointed it out to me and now I can't unsee it

14:50 "This poor terminally offline crystal loving yakubian" 💀

"Poor, terminally offline, crystal-loving yakubian" is perhaps one of the best things you've ever said

Honestly, I didn't catch the Ben Parker thing when I saw this movie. I just kept thinking 'that's Ben from Parks & Rec'

Dude Dakota Johnson is hilarious. I had no idea. She really sold me on the Tom Holland movie, "Spiderman: Here He Comes."

“Did I have a vision?” That voice was perfect. 😂😂😂

"Araña Corazon is a girl who will one day have Spider powers and murder Ezekiel. Her dad got deported." BRO I'M FUCKING WEAK

Bro im not giving my dad a ball shaver😭

I love how this movie basically implies that Peter Parker isn't special or unique, and he's actually like the 5th or 6th Spider-Person in NYC. They just get Spider-People all the time in New York. It's a thing. Also, since we've never seen any version of those girls in any Spider-Man movie, I guess that means they all die before Peter starts doing stuff anyway, and we never ever hear about them, nobody ever brings them up even though they are also Spider-People and you'd think people would link them to Peter on aesthetic alone, so I guess they weren't that important after all.

35:29 seeing weeman fly from the fireworks made me spew my drink out 😂😂😂😂

The PSP was obviously a vision from the future, it’s why she was so confused - nobody could imagine the power such a machine held in 2003

"When you accept the responsibility, great power will come" doesn't even carry the same sentiment as "with great power comes great responsibility". It implies that power is somehow magically granted to people if they make the choice to be responsible. The original quote is a moral statement about how people who ALREADY possess great power should choose to wield it - if you have the power to help people or make the world a better place, you should. Say what you will about Martin Sheen's clunky word-salad version of the quote in Amazing Spider-Man, but at least it technically succeeded at expressing the original message.

“Do you remember the first character you fell in love with” “I dont” 😂😂😂😂😂

My favorite part is when the villain gets hit by the ambulance, its because he jumps into it. If he didn’t move at all, the ambulance would have missed him.

The balls on this movie to have an end credits with The Cranberries playing during it. Like putting a cherry on a pile of literal shit.

You can really tell how much Sony doesnt give a fuck about the brand by casting someone so apathetic towards the genre.

I don’t see anyone else mentioning this but: saying that she and the cat named Cat are strays is absolutely a reference to the Audrey Hepburn movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

The part where she realizes that she can change the future because of a pigeon, but didn't put up much of a fight when her friend died in the car accident 🤦🏾‍♂️

In theory this is the perfect character to get visions of the future. Like everyone is panicking and dying and she's just trying to gather information. "Shut up, I'm having a vision, don't talk to me. Just go do whatever you were going to do"

To be fair, Peters spider sense works the same where it only works when the plot demands it to

“Dispassionate and uncaring to others- but she became a paramedic!” Clearly you haven’t met enough of us 😔

I feel really bad for Cassie's Mom who got shot while she was researching spiders in the Amazon right before she died...

I made my roommate watch this with me last night… he said it was the most incoherent movie He had ever seen. Then I made him watch the 1984 Dune and he got so mad he turned off the TV

"It's a good thing you had no idea today was the day you were going to die" has EXACTLY the same energy to me as "He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died"

The lime thing has something to do with Architectural Digest and them always placing a full bowl of limes or lemons each time celebs present their homes.

Marcus giving Dakota Johnson a quickie is not something I was expecting 💀

I love how, when Cassie is presented with the drawing by that kid, instead making it an endearing moment with Ben accepting the drawing instead and hanging it up in the paramedic staff room/lounge, he just tells Cassie to wait until they're out of sight, then throw it in the trash. It could have been a great way to humanize the character of Ben more for the movie, and instead they chose to portray him as just marginally less asshole-ish than Cass.

Marcus mocking her at 23:55 is just hilarious

Maybe I just wasn’t paying enough attention, but did Evil Spider-Man use his computer to see what the spider girls would look like younger, using images pulled straight from a magical vision he had?

"The film is bad, but it's only _funny_ bad, like, a third of the time" I can only imagine how this will compare to your eventual review of Morbius because Morbius is such a uniquely bewildering catastrophe in its own right that it's genuinely hard to define

"poor, terminally offline, crystal loving, yakubian" if I was a medieval peasant, that collection of words would probably desintegrate me

23:46 I couln't stop loving at this part. "I am having a vision ... whooaaa"

30:10 Oh, so it’s just like the MCU movies then? The writers literally admitted that.

"Her dad got deported" is a insane backstory😭😭😭 and her being such a liar is honestly hilarious

Dakota Johnson being the main role in Madame Web AND Fifty Shades is unironically the funniest thing I have remembered regarding these movies

Marcus, you really popped tf off with this one. Every edit is an absolute gem

It actually makes sense why Ezekiel Sims lost his powers: with great power comes great responsibility, and since he didn’t do that he lost them.

Morbius walked so Madame Web could look confused for the entire movie

Dakota Johnson is like a female Robert Pattinson in that she starred in an awkward romance series adaptation that made lots of money and just didn't give a single fuck about it or celebrity in general

35:20 Wee Man flying from the firework explosion is so fucking funny 😂

Never in my life did I ever think I'd hear Cosmonaut call someone a "terminally offline crystal loving yakubian"

HE HAS RETURNED

Northern lion appearing out of nowhere is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever seen seen

Has it occurred to anyone that we are all fools and this is a villain origin story? She hates everyone, she can see the future and she is arming a gang of teen girls to spider her way into the future where she is going to revel in the murder of her good friends. She doesn’t care about family, she TOLD us. She wants them to die. Madam web is a villain origin story. Also her name is madam, a term that is (sometimes) used to describe basically a female pimp. She is the madam to group of teen girls. How is she NOT a villain…

Squirtle for Doc Oc was UNHINGED I am so grateful for the laugh

The pivot from real Jimmy Fallon to Smiling Friends Jimmy Fallon cracking up is an editing masterpiece

“Terminally offline, crystal-loving yakubian” is INSANE

This is the hardest I’ve laughed at a Cosmonaut video in awhile, and that’s saying a lot, because I love this channel. The “Uhhh, whaaa” every time she has a vision is making me laugh even just typing it and hearing it in my head 😂

Love ur vids always makes me hype seeing you uploaded

13:15 This same exact shit happened to Matt Smith. He didn't know Morbius wasn't in the MCU, asked Karen Gillan about it, and she said "Oh my god, you have to do it it's so much fun" and then Matt arrived on set and found out that he wasn't in a real Marvel movie.

I can tell you why Cassandra became a nurse even though she hates caring for people: she was a mean girl in high school. They all flock to that job, for some reason. Edit: Okay I’ve read some other comments clarifying that she’s a paramedic and not a nurse (which is true, sorry for saying the wrong thing). More importantly I’ve seen a lot of comments saying that being a paramedic with low empathy is actually the one realistic part of the movie, as it’s actually necessary in order to keep yourself sane and can be the result of not being able to save everyone. That’s actually really interesting, if not tragic. I don’t think Madame Web is competent enough to have done that on purpose, though, and Cassandra still gives off “I bullied kids in high school” vibes!

I've had that "she had a vision" voice in my head for hours now.

“A lot of zoomers have fake nostalgia for this era” nah it’s real my man I was a C H I L D

Dakota Johnson seems like a robot badly impersonating a human. A 1st draft terminator.

Can't wait to hear Kraven say "Man, I'm really kraving some hunting"

No one else brings up the dumb part of stealing baby parkers powers. A baby parker that doesn't get it for another almost 2 decades in literally every rendition.

“Look how many spiders there are, you could’ve gotten another one”🤣🤣🤣

Considering Dakota started fucking smearing the film in interviews the second her check cleared, I'm not surprised. She described it as "like if you asked AI to write the script for a movie your boyfriend would watch once"

The thing about this movie that gets me, is that there is a THIRTY YEAR TIME JUMP, and ole' Zeke Simms looks pretty much the same, and his single stolen magic spider appears to still be alive (he cant be breeding them cause he's only got the one, and if he tried to go back to get more the spider people would get him, so its gotta be the same one). Heck in his dream-vision he even says "they took my spider". Maybe he figured out spider cloning with his vast ill-defined fortune?

Something I just noticed is that the writers were foreshadowing Ben’s death with the whole ‘never been shot at in Queens’ bit. Which is why Cassie thought it was ironic. It’s so brilliantly stupid that I have to give props for that

This is what we’ve been needing! KZfaq is better with the cosmonaut variety hour

This was a top ten theater experience for me. Everyone seemed bewildered for the first chunk but by the time we got to "But I don't have a blood disorder" we were all cackling through the entire final act. We were cheering up and down the aisles and gave it a standing ovation. I wasn't exactly "sober" for that watch, but after the baby shower scene you can't convince me this wasn't a straight up comedy and that Dakota wasn't in on it. The dubbing especially feels like a Naked Gun joke!

“Evil Spider-man’s Spider Sense doesn’t work when the plot needs it to” I mean, isn’t that how it works for everyone?

Ah yes the famous NYC woods that are only an hour away from Manhattan

Dude, I was literally thinking about how I missed your videos yesterday 😂

i forget this man exists until he uploads, where i drop everything im doing to watch it, then forget about him for another 20 years waiting for him to upload

Morbius: "I'm the worst" Madam web:"Are you sure about that"

She was clearly being tongue in cheek to the set designers regarding the limes