Despite what some people may think, it's not an easy decision. If you're on the fence about whether or not to choose your lover over your spouse, then this video is for you.
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It may be that somebody has told you that you're really not in love with this other person; that it's a fantasy, that it's infatuation, or that it will go away. I'm assuming, of course, that you're watching this because of the fact that you are trying to make a choice between whether to leave to be with your lover, or stay with your spouse. In other words, you're married, but you're thinking about, "Maybe I should end the marriage and go to be with this other person because I've never felt love like this."
If you expect me to tell you that you're not in love with that person, then you need to change your expectations. I won't. I understand that you are in love with that other person, and will not deny that, but I will ask you to think about a couple of things as you plan your future. Because, as you make this choice, you need to make the best choice concerning everyone (especially concerning you).
I'm Dr. Joe Beam, with Marriage Helper. We love having people watch our videos. You see that subscribe button right down there. If you'd like to keep up with our videos as they come out click subscribe, and you'll always be notified. We talk about all kinds of things having to do with relationships, including this one: "I am married to one person, but I am in love with another person. I'm trying to decide whether to end my marriage and go be with this other person."
Now I understand, it is a “kind” of love. You see, in the social sciences we can identify various kinds of love. By the way, the one we never try to identify is true love. Why? Because that's whatever a person is feeling at the moment. That's too subjective or too different per individuals. Therefore, we can't really quantify or identify it. But, there are many kinds of love that we can identify. If you're madly in love with this other person, then probably (we don't have time in this video but there are other videos where you can check it out) we can look at certain characteristics and say if we would classify it in the social sciences as limerence. Well, it's a kind of love, without a doubt. It's an intense kind of love. If you'd like to learn more about it, be sure to check out our other videos. Look for the ones that talk about limerence. Just don't get mad at me if you don't like something I say about it, because I understand it. I've experienced it.
As a matter of fact, I've been in the very spot that you're in now. I was married to one, and I was madly in love with another. I had to make a choice. “Will I end this marriage, will I divorce her, so I can go be with this person who is the love of my life?” The kind of thing that people today call “soulmates.” Believe me, I understand the intensity of that decision. Later in this video, I'll tell you what decision I made and why I made it. But the very fact that you're watching it means that you haven't really decided, or at least in all likelihood, means you haven't really decided. In this video, I’ll suggest a thing or two that you should seriously consider if you're trying to make that decision. What I would call “essential considerations.”
(2:48) One would be, “Who all will be affected by your decision?” Whatever decision you make, someone is going to be hurt. You say, "What do you mean?" Well, if you're married to one who loves you and wants to be with you, then if you leave her or him for this other person, then you obviously are hurting the person you've been married to for a while. Or if you decide, "No, I'm going to end my relationship with this person that I'm madly in love with and I'm going to go back and make my marriage work," then you're going to hurt him or her.
And by the way, either way, it's highly likely that you're going to wind up hurting you. So, it's not a matter of, "How can I make a decision that hurts nobody?" Because at this point, that's an impossibility. I mean, I wish it were a possibility, but it's not. Someone's going to get hurt. Oh, and by the way, if you have children in this marriage, for example, then you're going to hurt them too. No matter how old they are, it's going to cause them some kind of pain. Younger children have some kind of effect that comes from the parents' divorce. Older kids have a little bit of a different kind of effect that comes from this. Read more at www.marriagehel...
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