Michael McIntyre at the Royal Variety Performance 2014
Copyright ITV plc
"My wife has always had a dream, to own a little place in the countryside, and it became my dream when she told me about it every day for ten years. I bought a little place in the countryside for us, a beautiful place, it's very remote, very private, rolling hills. It's surrounded by a farm, it's not our farm, but it's just lovely. It was the most magical day when we first moved in and we were standing outside, all of us - my children running around in the fields, the sun going down, my wife and I holding hands saying 'we did it, it's amazing! i'm so happy' and ~tears~ it was beautiful... all these multicoloured birds coming out of the woods like they were welcoming us to the country. ~Bird noises~ my wife and I holding hands, the children playing, then the sun went down, completely. Absolute total darkness. Pitch black, terrified. We both looked at where we thought we both were.. called for the children. It was like all those nice daytime birds were replaced with night-shift animals. Noises from birds i'd never heard before, sinister sounds! I actually Googled 'What bird sounds like a child screaming in the woods?' Seriously..."