How to find The One: John Gottman, Ph.D. & Julie Gottman, Ph.D.

How to find The One: John Gottman, Ph.D. & Julie Gottman, Ph.D. | mbg Podcast

Рет қаралды 175,353

Күн бұрын

Today’s featured guests are Julie Gottman, Ph.D., and John Gottman, Ph.D., leading relationship experts and founders of the Gottman Institute.
“If you're dealing with an issue, don't describe your partner. Describe yourself, your feelings, and your needs," Julie says. In this episode, Julie, John, and Jason discuss how to know if your partner is long-term material, plus:
00:00 The top ingredients for a loving relationship
02:34 The three main conflict styles
09:16 The “bomb drop” fight
11:17 What to do if you feel “flooded” during a fight
16:17 The “shallows” fight
19:20 How to resolve “the standoff”
28:43 How couples can rebuild their relationship post-affair
34:20 What causes affairs?
35:56 The Gottmans’ top 3 green flags in a relationship
43:01 How to know if you’ve found The One
46:02 What causes unhappy marriages?
50:51 How to know if you’re ready for a serious relationship
54:18 The Gottmans’ No. 1 tip for successful relationships
We hope you enjoy this episode! Whether it's an article or podcast, we want to know what we can do to help here at mindbodygreen. Let us know at: podcast@mindbodygreen.com.
#mindbodygreen #podcastvideo #relationshipredflags
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Пікірлер: 298

@TerriTie Ай бұрын

This is the second podcast I watch for them. John always looks at his wife when she speaks. Amazing.

@belleofthecamp6530 Ай бұрын

They’re so cute together!

@TerriTie Ай бұрын

@@belleofthecamp6530 they’re! I love see how harmonious their relationship is! 😊

@susydyson1750 28 күн бұрын

Respect and obviously a deep listener ❤❤

@natashaferrington-uw9je 27 күн бұрын

Yes, it shows so much respect. I have started copying that with my husband and it's made such a difference. It conveys interest and presence in what they are saying.often married couples do not engage completely as they think they have heard it all before

@HSV4freedom 26 күн бұрын

I love it that you pointed that out. They truly are modelling a mutually respectful couple. I've met them live at a conference. I saw it and felt it. They are a solid unit. Their connection is very solid, calm, strong. I love it how they both add value. They are both so very wise.

@cupcakePOWER561 2 ай бұрын

This should be taught in high school

@-Clarence- 2 ай бұрын

It was, but instead of learning from history the morons choose to repeat it

@jessicamerced9116 Ай бұрын

I 100% agree. It took me years to learn interpersonal effectiveness, would have been great to start learning and applying when I needed it the most, highschool! 😊

@Heyu7her3 Ай бұрын

It is taught in high schools. It's called "Family & Consumer Science" & there's a national curriculum. But just because it's taught doesn't mean students & parents care about the class.

@univers368 Ай бұрын

This should be taught by PARENTS!

@dragonfish888 21 күн бұрын

They are happily together because one speaks and one listens 😂❤.

@FernGray Ай бұрын

These Two are national treasures.. protect them at all costs❤🙏🏽❤️

@barbaraannscarlet7885 2 ай бұрын

Brilliant couple. Decades of scientific research on thousands of couples. Very wise.

@singha6 18 күн бұрын

Also perhaps from JG’s own experience of two divorces

@coreyhabbas Ай бұрын

In an abusive situation the victim doesn’t find a 5:1 ratio. Victims can use the soft start up method and this doesn’t change the mentality of the abuser. Their advice can work in situations in which both parties are genuine and have normal levels of conscience. Abusers wont play by these fair rules and these healthy protocols.

@univers368 Ай бұрын

Exactly

@CamilaSaurus Ай бұрын

You’re not supposed to be with an abusive partner

@Heyu7her3 Ай бұрын

A video about "The One" obviously isn't about abusive relationships.

@yourtv9516 Ай бұрын

So true!

@veryslowenglish 29 күн бұрын

Very true

@legacytrainer4242 Ай бұрын

Anyone notice how attuned John is as Julie speaks? :)

@janetkingston-davis558 2 ай бұрын

I love the way you two lean into and listen and pay attention to each other. You model the work!👌

@MS-bs8dd 10 күн бұрын

Ah, wouldn’t that be great? I think if you come from these abusive background like I and my -exH did, attuning vs. guardedness doesn’t come natural.. example, I would ask him not to yawn when I started talking, that I’d given him say 20 minutes of listening, and would like to receive about the same. Never, ever could he do it. Once, he tried real hard for 5 min, and grinned how’d I do?? In moving on I’ve learned to value myself and speak my needs from the get go. Thanks for your videos.

@miriamroe7374 2 ай бұрын

I think we learn, heal and understand ourselves much better when we are in relationships, even though they don't last. Then to be maybe ready for a lasting relationship, or maybe we choose to live alone.

@Heyu7her3 Ай бұрын

You don't have to have a romantic relationship to learn yourself. Just relationship.

@chunkiemunkie11 2 ай бұрын

My partner and I both suffered big T and trigger each other in the worst way. For two years we were in a horribly toxic abusive relationship, but videos like this and a dedication to growth and betterment we have grown so much and are on a much healthier path now. If it weren't for my codependency, there is no way we would have survived that stage.

@jeanannedupratt7075 4 күн бұрын

Chunkiemunkie11 Are you actually saying that your codependency was what saved the day ? Or did you mean something else ? Like you would have walked away and that would have been the end to it all. But you stayed on. And had the opportunity to work it out. As time does help us see things differently.

@chunkiemunkie11 Күн бұрын

@jeanannedupratt7075 I don't exactly have an answer to your question, as I'm still discovering and researching. I don't think people should have to go through abusive relationships to heal. That's not what I'm recommending or hoping for people. For our situation, that's how it seemed to work. I don't know if I had left, if I would end up in another toxic relationship or not. With my history, I probably would have. The book "Women that love too much" had a concept that was manageable for me as a codependent. The book understood how difficult it is for codependents to leave relationships, so what was suggested was an alternative to change. The author said if you change and set boundaries and start sticking up for yourself, one of two things will happen. The relationship will also change, for the better, or your partner will leave you. Both would be good options if your current situation is toxic. I began making very small changes. And it grew from there. I stopped being afraid of upsetting him, and we were able to build safety in once another and begin a journey to healing. I wouldn't say my codependency saved me, I would say that it kept me there long enough to see that I couldn't go on the same way and have a difficult result. Change had to happen. It was my decision to heal my codependency that saved me. I hope that helps. Feel free to message me. I'm happy to talk. I actually do relationship coaching now, to teach people what I've learned and how it can apply to their own relationships.

@andreatorluemke4982 Ай бұрын

Thanks for not writing off partners with complex trauma. This is my experience as well amen!❤

@andreatorluemke4982 Ай бұрын

So so good! Love the examples!❤

@asalane20 15 күн бұрын

Julie has a great voice!

@rcz2023 2 ай бұрын

This was an amazing interview, thank you so much!

@macareuxmoine 2 ай бұрын

This is so good! Thank you for sharing this with us! 🙏

@ciao2315 2 ай бұрын

Incredible information ❤

@anneliesewright662 2 ай бұрын

During a timeout, I pray & process my feelings while I'm in that emotional state because that's the best time to figure out what triggered me & why. Step-by-step, I break it down, and then I'm able to come to a much better conclusion. ❤🙏

@sethtenrec Ай бұрын

Pray? To what? Your imagination…😂😂😂😂

@Ginette688 26 күн бұрын

I have a hard time self soothing on a break after an argument and was triggered because I feel guilty. If u are a Christian do you have advice to dismantle this stronghold?

@sethtenrec 25 күн бұрын

@@Ginette688 pray to the fairy dust in the sky 😂😂😂

@gborsonello 19 күн бұрын

@@sethtenrecwhy are you being so passive aggressive? Why does it bother you that there are ppl who believe in God?

@sethtenrec 19 күн бұрын

@@gborsonello it bothers me, because they are trying to turn the country that is known as the land of the free into the land of Jesus. Trying to impose their religion on me. Otherwise I don’t give a shit.

@stavokg Ай бұрын

I love these people. They are doing so much for others!

@muma6559 2 ай бұрын

EXACTLY... how reliable are we at 25...? Absolutely not equipped or ready to take on someone else's burdens and problems and support them and understand them. We should be fully grown and know ourselves before we take on a relationship

@Portia620 2 ай бұрын

Truths

@elydan6049 2 ай бұрын

Parents help young adults build marriage and relationships financially morally. Jewish families chaperon very young couples- marry kids in their 20s. A celebrity example -Beckhams married off a young son and fully back that family … not to speak of the wife family.

@brittybee6615 Ай бұрын

If you were never expected to be reliable before 25 by reason of the logic that you weren’t fully grown, do you think that by 26 you would suddenly be as reliable as any other 26 year old? I’m saying if people waited until they were “ready” for everything they would just be developmentally stunted. I like another relationship psychologist dr David Schnarch’s take that nobody is ever ready for marriage. Marriage MAKES you ready for marriage. There will be conflict and screw ups as the maturing process works.

@auntyjo1792 Ай бұрын

If you aren't mature enough to be working at relationships in a positive way by 25 I think it unlikely you'll be suddenly fully formed and good at it by 30 or 40. We learn by doing and "leaning in." Permanent adolescence must be exhausting!

@muma6559 Ай бұрын

@@auntyjo1792 Good points !! But if it takes to 45 or beyond to mature, so be it. Everyone is different, and that is ok. The point is that it's impossible to be fully mature before 25 for anybody !!!

@felixpizza Ай бұрын

Thank you for this content which teaches you good examples, much easier to learn from than “scary examples” of what not to do.

@michelleveloni1329 2 ай бұрын

Thank you very much!

@andreatorluemke4982 Ай бұрын

“What is your ideal dream Here?” I love that

@orchidgirl05 Ай бұрын

Great insight on relationships ❤

@libbyschaefer7745 Ай бұрын

thank you for these beautiful life lessons and yes I learn a lot from your modeling as people have said (you both listen very intently to your partner, .love that), thank you!

@annatoth790 Ай бұрын

Wow, Im so glad I came across this. This is helping me understand my relationship with one of my sons. He is volatile and I am avoidant. I hate arguing, and will shut down and run away, and he keeps going on about it, and also criticizes, which makes me shut down even more. I think I am going to share this video with him, to help him understand himself.

@AmaranthineIntrigue 2 ай бұрын

These two are such a treasure! I hope to find someone with whom I can have such a fullfiling relationship. They are a wealth of knowledge and experience but I found their closing comments especially insightful. ❤

@Alexis-ec9cl 2 ай бұрын

Great conversation

@lindawolfe2885 24 күн бұрын

That was great, thank you!

@liatkan Ай бұрын

actual good solid info instead of all the relationship-influencers hot takes. thank you

@Passionaction1206 2 ай бұрын

I love how you do Ads at the end of your podcast... GREAT CHOICE!

@nrchi 28 күн бұрын

Tons of Gottman content available, almost all of it good even if 2nd hand. But commenting to boost the algo purely because this one is particularly upworthy. Great interview. Great skim on such a huge body of work by the Gottmans!

@rcz2023 2 ай бұрын

Thank you

@belleofthecamp6530 Ай бұрын

This darling couple has such heartfelt and healthy energy, in such a healing maternal and paternal way..makes me wish they were my mom and dad ❤ if parents were more like this wow what a gift life would be.

@flowerlover77 26 күн бұрын

I agree wholeheartedly!

@craftychick48 2 ай бұрын

Excellent video. Thanks

@billmiller9145 2 ай бұрын

These two are the best!

@Mushroom321- 25 күн бұрын

Right!! 🤔😯👏🏼👏🏼😼

@chilloften 2 ай бұрын

Gorgeous couple. I just love how they work together and also share with us. Will definitely look for the book.

@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po 2 ай бұрын

One of the most gratifying things about being a doctor is that the job consists almost entirely of caring for others. "Thank you doctor uromi KZfaq channel for taking care of me and being the best doctor for me. I'm completely free from hsv1/2!😊

@Aisha_babii Ай бұрын

“Choosing the right partner” is easier said than done. Relationships nowadays just don’t seem to stand the test of time anymore

@Phoenixguy357 Ай бұрын

The problem is nearly everyone comes with baggage from childhood or some other past experience that corrupts any possibility at a happy relationship. The answer is to spend 2 years in therapy BEFORE you look for a partner

@lilibethnieto55 2 ай бұрын

Amazing couple and very profound advices about handling relationships matter with intention and love. Thank you for your wonderful podcast. Love their book too!❤

@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po 2 ай бұрын

@jesswatt5824 2 ай бұрын

I"m recovering from a break up with a partner who had more big T trauma than he could process. He was on track to be a great partner and step dad, but we couldn't clear the hurdle of his trauma. It cut us both, very deeply, to realize there was no path forward for us. If only he had been open to talking with someone like Dr. Julie!

@Portia620 2 ай бұрын

Maybe possibly.

@Mia15239 2 ай бұрын

It’s not always the other person that’s the problem. He may find someone that finds what you call big T trauma as very manageable and that partner can contain and navigate his trauma without feeling helpless. Your helplessness and inability to help him is not a reflection of only him but also your lack. Maybe you need to expand your understanding that you were just too different to be together.

@hals816 2 ай бұрын

I feel your pain.

@jesswatt5824 2 ай бұрын

@@Mia15239 This comment made me feel pretty shitty, not gonna lie. Maybe you should expand your empathy and understanding that you're making a lot of assumptions about a years long relationship with very little information.

@Mia15239 2 ай бұрын

⁠@@jesswatt5824 ok my bad to assume, I apologise.

@sonyaparkin7841 2 ай бұрын

Lovely couple and wise, wise counsel 💛💛🥰

@zoeh1964 2 ай бұрын

I read all of their life changing books multiple times and I'm so excited they have a new one! What a gift ❤️

@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po 2 ай бұрын

@muma6559 2 ай бұрын

@@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po what is hsv 1/2

@bonniepannell9722 2 ай бұрын

This is a thoughtful, relevant dialog. I noticed only one explanation was given for infidelity in a marriage- loneliness. I think there can be multiple reasons, including giving into attraction, combined with opportunity, regardless of a healthy, committed relationship.

@Portia620 2 ай бұрын

Agreed and from a traumatized person with NPD and they are evil!!!

@Portia620 2 ай бұрын

Many variables and they missed it big time!

@healing_awakening368 2 ай бұрын

That was the only explanation given so that the cheater can blame the spouse.

@elokeolise5102 28 күн бұрын

I thought he also said looking for things in others aside from your partner.

@tialynn1111 2 ай бұрын

Thanks ❤😊

@KhalCrochet 28 күн бұрын

As much as I enjoy watching this couple talk about love and relationships I wouldn't dare put faith in another person like this especially since it always takes me 3 plus years to get over someone 😭

@gtafotopdx9608 2 ай бұрын

Love you two, thank you for working for relationships. Very good to hear

@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po 2 ай бұрын

@g.i.520 2 ай бұрын

How does this help me FIND?!? The right one? This is what to do when you’ve already found someone

@dakine4238 2 ай бұрын

When you date you see if they have these approaches

@latinaalma1947 Ай бұрын

@@dakine4238Yes you decide the abolutes you musy have, then the negotiable characterisitcs then last the nice to have but no biggie.and on the positive side most important characterisitcs down to nice to have, but not so essential.

@ladycactus110 Ай бұрын

@@dakine4238there is no dating anymore. There are very few places where you can meet people in safety.

@annleach7908 18 күн бұрын

While dating, look for the healthy, and unhealthy, traits. Does your date turn toward your bids for connection? How does your date fight? Do they side with you against the problem or do they square up opposite you? Have they healed their childhood trauma? Do they have healthy boundaries? Do they respect and support yours?

@dakine4238 18 күн бұрын

@@latinaalma1947 yup can you can also see their communication style and how they are interacting with you and etc.

@raginald7mars408 2 ай бұрын

… As a German Biologist - This is about Inner Strength to be able to resist all sorts of Temptations And have Instinct and Intuition To always be on your OWN Path to your OWN Destiny. Only THERE We meet our best friends, Comrades and the ONE Life Partner. Only THERE! We are conditioned to be hyper tolerant and Sheeple To accept anything And get lost in the parasitic Market Place That make us sick and mad. Inner Strength and Endurance with a strict strong Firewall No Tres Passing zone. I always congratulate those OLD Couples Still holding Hands LOVING 50 Years Married… Going extinct as living Fossils

@muma6559 2 ай бұрын

Maybe because too many believe in some evolution, which is a nothing word

@jackhsiehhautecouture 2 ай бұрын

Peaceful 😌

@givingpresence 29 күн бұрын

Green flags: the other person takes responsibility for their parts in mistakes Ask how come your last relationship ended? And see if they blame the other person or take responsibility for their part Reliability- does this person do what they say they will? Do they call when they say they will? Are they responding to your texts within a reasonable time frame? -is that person there for you when you’ve had a difficult day? Do they empathize with you or do they minimize your story?

@averynmitchell 2 ай бұрын

14:40 The day before my ex and I broke up, I told him I would be ready to talk again in 20 minutes. All the walking and deep breathing in the world could not help. I felt worse than I did earlier, and ending things felt like the only way my panic attack could stop. It all felt so intense I couldn't even communicate "I need more time" I was just shutting the whole world out around me and trying to survive. I really got to my breaking point. As someone with mental health issues, how do I navigate "I need time but I'll be back later" in a mature way?

@FableCountry Ай бұрын

When it comes to mental health issues, you'll need to talk this out with your counselor or therapist. There's no one size fits all solution or method that will work for everyone. It may work for some but not all. Discussing with your therapist or counselor to navigate what would work for your particular case is recommended. I have severe ADHD and anxiety so taking time away leads me to spiraling, believing the situation is worse than it is. My partner and I talk it out calmly. We've argued only a couple times in 6 years. I did bottle it up and let it out calmly because it bothered me enough to discuss. She was receptive and didn't realize what she did bothered me. I'm over it after letting it out so all good. Basically, we hash it out without time away because we calmly talk it out without emotions blowing up. We've never yelled because that's not effective communication

@Heyu7her3 Ай бұрын

Oh idk, I never return lol. It's either do this now or never. "Returning" makes me more anxious.

@evaeggen7825 11 күн бұрын

I would like to be more validator, than volatile and avoidant , myself, i try to train on validating myself first, and i learned much here, thank you for sharing your visdom and experience with us all!!❤❤❤🎉🎉😊

@evaeggen7825 11 күн бұрын

I did really enjoy this interview very much, thank you all for sharing your visdom and experience with us all!❤🎉😊

@33Jenesis 2 ай бұрын

I need time to think and sort before I feel ready to confront an issue or conflict. However little incidents here and there do pile up over time, by the time my mind reaches a resolution, it may be a bit too late or non negotiable. My relationships never lasted more than a year, either I broke it up or he broke it up. I am retired and still single. I don’t find it hard to be single though since I live in my head most of the time. Being alone is really my natural habitat.

@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po 2 ай бұрын

@larisaalexandrova7021 2 ай бұрын

i a single woman 70 years old. And if you want to talk sometime ,just talk about anyhing, I will be glad))

@drebugsita 2 ай бұрын

What about with family members? Could you discuss these relationship issues in regards to siblings, parents, etc. Asking as the family scapegoat. I’m all too familiar with some of these dynamics (witnessed the volatile/avoidant between my parents) and have experienced denial sand disingenuous apologies ie refusal to address the impact

@juliabest3414 22 күн бұрын

I see me and my husband in this. He gets really passionate and wants to solve the issue immediately where as I'd rather talk slowly and calmly and find a comprise and as he gets amped up I become more and more silent. It sometimes feels like it's too much

@leiladarling4495 20 күн бұрын

Very nice!

@jmo4521 Ай бұрын

Shared religious faith and a commitment for life.

@susydyson1750 28 күн бұрын

Always interesting the Godmans’ maybe considering accepting the person ‘exactly as they are’ without wanting then to be even the tiniest way that you’d like them to be might be a good staring point to consider before consultation and further Analisis.. which will take both parts to improving and even changing their habits

@lgfish5337 2 ай бұрын

Well that was an annoying question about gender in the beginning.. glad they dispelled that one

@leiladarling4495 20 күн бұрын

Congratulations! This is a discussion of very inteligent Drs. That show their superiority on relationships. There are more than 50% of people that gets divorse, prevailing romantic fidelity and others seeking Economic fidelity. There are also people adopted in other Countries where the biological discourse has been drastically changed.I would love to hear a consensus reconciling adopted couples when they were young, then trying o find a partner to get into a non- lonesome civil relationship. Divorse is highly predominand fatalistic result among very inteligent people. It is almost the end of the road of top champions. God Bless.

@Ginette688 Ай бұрын

Oh my goodness! I had heard of his book in my bible college class and had jotted down the name of it on my outline. That was six months ago. I just clicked on this and when I heard the first few minutes I thought this sounds like that book. I think I will look at that outline and order it thinking it was a different author…and it’s the same guy!!!! Ok I am ordering this book!

@flowerlover77 26 күн бұрын

It's great material! Best of luck to you!

@muma6559 2 ай бұрын

"growing up together" is inappropriate because relationships are not for children. We're not talking about fully mature, we are talking about "grown up" as in fully developed physiologically and cognitively

@ivia_ol8356 9 күн бұрын

Everything starts at home. My aunt raised me and I remember one day coming home extremely upset, I had a very bad day at work, everything that could go wrong did so. Walked in exhausted and the only thing I wanted was to talk to her, for her to sit with me, listen and comfort me. As I started talking, she looked at me and said she wanted to watch a TV, and we could talk later. Later never arrived. To this day, I can't get this out of my mind.

@catboxcleaner3532 9 күн бұрын

At first, I thought that this would be a loving example of a caregiver answering a bid for connection and co-regulation to help you to process your feelings. I’m sorry it did not turn out that way. It’s so sad.

@muma6559 2 ай бұрын

we are growing our entire lives... of course. But that's a clever side point. The issue is not about growing but being FULLY DEVELOPED as an adult. Would you cross a bridge that is still under construction ?

@ciaputter7462 25 күн бұрын

I struggle with my husband having talked about an ex repeatedly… especially on dates and on the drive to our marriage. I thought he just maybe wasn’t over her or I was the rebound. He was clear she was terrible for him and abusive to him etc. I found out after the marriage that they were still following each other on social media. It affected me deeply. I asked him about it and he said she forced him to stay on social media with her two years ago. He just blew it off as my being silly. That seed was planted about her early on and I cannot seem to trust him.

@danielaspitz3052 2 ай бұрын

At times I feel that all these points made, all thes advices and rules how to behave, are just too much and put even more pressure onto people. I think that the only proper way to know what to do and how to behave in relationships is to ask yourself one question: "Would I like to be treated this way?" My partner is sensitive like myself, but also quite different from me, an introverted, neurodiverse HSP woman healing from CPTSD. At times I am rude but I know it hurts my partner. At times m, I don't listen because I'm somewhere totally different. But I KNOW. And I make up for these things. People who don't know how to treat others appropriate and kind, have issues that need more than just learning a list about how to be nice.

@jeanannedupratt7075 4 күн бұрын

I think what is being ignored here is that avoidant, validating + volatile styles appear in totally different streams. And can overlap continually. The avoidant can, in addressing a volatile issue with a validating person, become volatile him/herself. Then slip into validating with the response/reaction of the other person. Nothing is fixed in stone.

@soulthriver-oz6470 2 ай бұрын

They're talking about relatively functional ppl, couples. Trouble is, there don't seem to be many functional ppl around. Dysfunction rules, unconsciously.

@elsavelaz 2 ай бұрын

I’m also curious if they have data on if someone’s trash is another person’s treasure - meaning seeming narcissist does great with a better fit and otherwise the misalignment brings out the worst in them

@sarahstevenson8155 2 ай бұрын

I’m not sure about this. What if you start the conversation as a validator, but are met with avoidance from the avoidant? Then you begin to turn into volatile to try and be heard? It doesn’t start out that way.

@AN-iv3wv Ай бұрын

I agree. I need answers to this.

@rosemarymartinez6709 7 күн бұрын

I don’t agree with her reasoning on why people cheat. Studying psychology I’ve learned that people cheat because of developmental trauma, issues with emotional intimacy, fear of stillness/stability, fragile ego that seeks endless validation. People cheat because they're insecure. They cheat because they haven't learned mature ways to express their needs. They cheat because it provides escapism from the monotony of daily life. They cheat because chaos was a normal part of their childhood. And that’s something that that person has to heal from personally. Their partner can’t love them out of their trauma. If they don’t make an effort to go to therapy to get the tools needed to heal those issues or research how to yourself, they will always cheat. Rarely does it have to do with their partner or loneliness.

@MNP208 Ай бұрын

I’m just exhausted from discussing politics. It’s beating a dead horse. That’s a topic where I believe it’s ok to “ agree to disagree”. Otherwise people spend valuable family time constantly arguing.

@holographic555 Ай бұрын

Toxicity is born in relationships when inner childhood healing is not being actively addressed. Trauma is telling to who you attract and how you interact. Heal yoursrlf first, then you'll attract a deep level connection and energy that becomes natural. Thus creating boundless topics to discuss.

@AN-iv3wv Ай бұрын

My fiancé is an avoidant. His parents never fight and are an avoidant couple. I’m more of a volatile. He tells me he just wants to talk about our problems constructively without blame but to me it seems that he just wants avoid talking about problems at length and anything more than that, he interprets it as escalation. We end up resolving our conflicts after some time for him to process things and he will come to a compromise or even apologize. But during his time out, I’m in full panic mode, like a “bull dog pursuing” as mentioned in this video. I’ve been working on myself but when I’m in a heated conflict, I need reassurance and talking about the problems instead of avoiding it and coming to a resolution. Outside of this, he is very sweet and spoils me. Please help. Are we doomed?

@latinaalma1947 Ай бұрын

Accusations and criticisms never happened in my 41 yr relationship....he passed away at 80.

@elh7388 10 күн бұрын

I am really sorry to hear that the love of your life has passed. May your husband rest in peace.. big hug

@kikitauer Ай бұрын

I will take responsibility all day long but my two last relationships were abusive. I honestly tried to do everything to make it work. When I got broken up with the second time, I thought I will die. But I didn't. But I will never forget either of those men. I did have nice relationships in the past and I do believe I will have it again. I just need to look out for the manipulation and abuse.

@trenchrock Ай бұрын

The best thing I ever did for myself was question why I keep dating the same type of men in different packaging. If you are repeating a cycle, you can learn how to break it. Look up attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, secure) That's were I started.

@kikitauer Ай бұрын

@@trenchrock Yes, that's right. Though I am way past the point where just learning from patterns is enough. I learnt a lot about manipulation and how abusive relationships are formed. I also started to put my life together so that if I got into such relationship, I could leave freely. I am alone for almost five years now. I found myself and a lot of other things and I am now happy in my own company. Thanks for your support.

@mollyjones7246 8 күн бұрын

His face when she said is your wife volatile?😭😂

@bonniel4325 2 ай бұрын

I was divorced over 20 years ago. Thanks for reminding me how miserable it is to be in a relationship. I'm good with my friends and my dogs.

@brooklyn3299 2 ай бұрын

If you fall ill God forbid, you won’t have someone there for you sadly. Being alone isn’t something to strive for.

@bonniel4325 2 ай бұрын

@@brooklyn3299 You are stating the obvious, and insulting my intelligence. We will all fall ill at some point, even you. God willing your partner will not abandon you for someone younger. It could happen. Men are very transactional, not really good at doing "love." I have dealt with cancer without the support of a partner. I went to my radiation appointments alone, and seeing older couples walking in together. I would always wonder why my creator put me on this path of solitude. Thank God my family and friends were generous and kind. Friends from my church are also very supportive. As they say, the Lord provides. It would be very stupid of me to yearn for a partner when my task is to get well and survive, and be happy with the life and the gifts I have. Don't rub it in people's face when they don't have a partner. Sometimes it's just not in the cards. Have you ever tried to make a man love you? It's a fools errand.

@bubblybubbles4023 2 ай бұрын

@brooklyn3299 Everyone is different. Not everyone needs to be with someone to feel fulfilled.

@chilichickSantaFe 2 ай бұрын

haha I'm reading on Xitter where a woman had major surgery and her boyfriend went AWOL along with most friends. It does not always work out that family an close friends will be there. @@brooklyn3299

@bonniel4325 2 ай бұрын

@@brooklyn3299 My comment does not mention striving to be alone. It is about getting to a place of acceptance with not having a partner. But if you have magic wand, please by all means, send me a partner. No one makes that their goal. Being without a partner is very lonely. Your comment is well meaning, but insensitive.

@cassianarusu9835 Ай бұрын

Oh i love her ❤

@healing_awakening368 2 ай бұрын

I was a former believer in John Gottman & The Gottman Institute, purchasing/reading his books and spreading the news to others. Then, I began noticing on my Instagram that he was “liking” all of the Kardashians’s sexy, skimpy booty pictures all the time, with what seemed to be a particular kink-like obsession with Khloe Kardashian, and that’s when I realized that even with an education and having authored a couple books, he is no different than any other regular sleezeball; and just like that I became a nonbeliever. If that stuff makes these two happy, good on them 👍 but I will never, ever settle for a pervy partner. Better to be happy alone than miserable partnered.

@Becky_Cal 2 ай бұрын

Interesting….yeah not a good look for an old man to be following and liking Kardashian pics on IG. So strange…his wife is probably completely oblivious to his online activity 😬

@AB-lp8jd 2 ай бұрын

He's clearly a passive partner in a domineering relationship. They seem "healthy" in an unhealthy way.. Almost like they're acting - they've memorised a few scripts and are living in that ideal... The guy is quite passive and is probably quite suppressed.. He keeps the peace by sticking to the script, but his mind and soul is elsewhere.. A lot of vacant stares whilst his wife is talking (and talking and talking and talking). He's living out his fantasies on Instagram (and possibly elsewhere) What they say is technically true but they as a couple seem quite soulless, especially the guy.. He doesn't come across as "present"

@brittybee6615 Ай бұрын

Are you sure it was his real account? I feel like he’d at least be smart enough to not be that unprofessional publicly… or maybe someone else is controlling the account..

@shalimar29 Ай бұрын

@healing_awakening368 Even if it is his account and he did wrong, you should never give your power away. Why did you decide to be a nonbeliever? Because of him and his sleazy behavior, you decided to give up on faith & God? That's not right. Be strong. You know that what he did is disgusting & against our religion. Do the opposite. Stick with people who are like you. We don't need preachers and pastors when God is freely accessible

@Gem_ini Ай бұрын

I doubt he’d have stayed that long in the relationship if he was unhappy!

@nikkisherbalhabits4604 Ай бұрын

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we’ve gone through several types of arguments. As I age I find that I’m a volotatile arguer due to my upbringing (single strict, mentally abusive mom) and my bf is super avoidant but I’d say his upbringing was much more “volatile” (gang violence, drug dealing, you name it). I try my best with patience and staying calm but I’m black…I’m passionate. I’m not unreasonably angry of course but bipolarism, and schizophrenia runs in my family which I struggle with too. I will say after all this time, I know I’m the problem. Sometimes all it takes is admitting this to yourself.

@flowerlover77 26 күн бұрын

Good luck to you! I hope you're getting the help you need! That's a difficult challenge for any individual, much less a committed couple in a loving relationship!

@reneebertram2365 2 ай бұрын

Hello! What suggestions do you have when you are with a partner? Who has a short temper in a hot fuse? I find it difficult sometimes to bring up matters of importance or matters that i'm concerned about, no matter how gentle I am and walking on egg shells , in how I deliver the request he gets defensive. I am befuttled.

@r0gerLai 2 ай бұрын

It must be taking its toll on your selff esteem... Do you see any signs he's working on his stuff to make the relationship work for you too? If not, I suggest you study about narcissism and even other personality disorders

@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po 2 ай бұрын

@Musicismylove888 2 ай бұрын

Jimmy on relationships on KZfaq.

@chirokathleen 2 ай бұрын

I was in a relationship where I was walking on eggshells. Focus on yourself and make regulating your own nervous system the priority. Sounds like you’re not on an even playing field and that’s unfortunate but doing more and moving in your partners direction is not the answer. I found Alanon/12 Step work really important so I could learn what self focus really looks and feels like. It’s a daily practice. Hands-off your partner! You’ll learn to recognize when they are truly doing their own work and meeting you half way. Not your job to make up the distance for their lack.

@akrossmann1631 2 ай бұрын

At some point it will become clear the one who requires egg shell walking is incapable of partnering. Namaste

@Portia620 2 ай бұрын

Trauma therapy with a narc doesn’t work. Been there and done there

@wendyshannon6949 Ай бұрын

Waste of time...no sincerity to say the least...😅

@dkdoodle 2 ай бұрын

It seems the host may possibly have a bias or misunderstanding around volatiles.

@ISEGHEHIMIRACLE-wl1po 2 ай бұрын

@adinubila 23 күн бұрын

some people get flooded right away

@johnbrown1851 16 күн бұрын

The title doesn't seem to really fit the video.

@elmapollard4238 2 ай бұрын

Great video but deceptive title.

@s1n4m1n Ай бұрын

You can do everything they say and you still will only have a 10% chance to have a successful relationship.

@elsavelaz 2 ай бұрын

In terms of infidelity, is there such a thing as personalities that get a thrill from deceiving the person that trusts them? I will definitely get the book and it may be answered there, and I ask because sometimes I wonder if there is this “cheater culture” where people go on seedy websites are well known popular spots in town, with that mentality , and almost enjoy hurting the one person together. So, is it that those types get rhe thrill because they felt lonely, or is it a whole other beast?

@Portia620 2 ай бұрын

Yes!!! NPD or called Narracistic Personality disorder!!! I married a covert narracist and many pod cast like royal we and dr Rambo and her book called it’s not you!!!

@rachellel 2 ай бұрын

Yes… I agree

@JL-dw4jd 9 күн бұрын

The most important thing is almost entirely missing here. Every person needs to learn to think rationally, instead of irrationally. Thats CBT. Then every person needs to know how to be empathic. How to be conscious. How to understand that being right is not the goal, being at place is. With that, our relationships will be healthy. Instead of this what we hear here is just some scattered recipes without any proper foundation.

@sarahmarieism 2 ай бұрын

Too many ads!

@aprillewis8311 Ай бұрын

I’d be interested in their take on emotionally incestuous relationships between son/mother. It’s basically like an affair lol

@samc2840 23 күн бұрын

Rich people solution to the retirement problem. 1 year sailing around the world vs 1 year in the farm. Is this a sign that they are out of touch with the reality of ‘normal’ wage earners?

@kingmaafa120 26 күн бұрын

Most ppl have already found the one 😮

@savannahfecht2148 7 күн бұрын

I think most men struggle with the volatile, lol. Women are usually much more comfortable with expressing strong emotions

@muma6559 2 ай бұрын

as long as the ratio of positives to negatives is at least 5 times as positive as the negative !!! Aha, yep. Same with parenting... you can't scold, be negative, oppose, etc. your child if you haven't been 5 times as much positive... eat that parents !

@elsavelaz 2 ай бұрын

I wish teachers were evaluated on this. I work in AI (taught kindergarten for 9 years), and systems would see enormous improvements in society if all teachers were accountable to this, and principals to the teachers. The ones who would see the most benefits would usually be the teachers themselves, first.

@muma6559 2 ай бұрын

@@elsavelaz It sounds right, but I'm not quite sure what you are saying. Could you say it another way?

@elsavelaz 2 ай бұрын

Same as parents - you can’t scold, be negative, oppose, etc, your student if you haven’t been 5 times as much positive - and expect to foster a loving welcoming environment . So to rephrase that in more my own tone : If teachers were evaluated and the most valuable metric was number of times a teacher gave good praise and it was 5 times higher than” corrective” or “redirection,” school would be more fun for everyone .

@elsavelaz 2 ай бұрын

I worked on an ai project once where the ai was evaluating the teachers’ instead of having human principals do the evaluations. It was BRILLIANT, because it kept track of unbiased metrics (ex: ratio of time teacher talks bs students interactinf etc). However , it did not evaluate total times of positive sentiment over negative .

@muma6559 2 ай бұрын

@@elsavelaz 1000% right ! And we would have generations of very intelligent people if that were the case. Instead we produce followers who have to fit in boxes. Very sad. Even at university, teachers/professors are like vampires, constantly looking to take away marks, mark you down. Very insecure system, unfortunately.

@jackiemorris8027 2 ай бұрын

Why do 50year couples separate🤔 My husband ghosted in 2020 We married 4/22/72 How do I open communication with my husband ❣️ Yes I have been lonely for years 😥 I want to heal it but have tried letters texting cards etc 🤯 All have failed 🤯 I love my family and my husband ❣️

@latinaalma1947 Ай бұрын

You have been ghosted for 4 years? In a marriage? Do you know where henis? No hint of whether he is in another relationship? Where he is? What he is doing? This doesnt make sense.

@jackiemorris8027 Ай бұрын

He is not a communicator His dad and Grandfather were both alcoholics and taught the children to be seen not heard 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 Our son ended up with alcoholism since about 15 and now sober with a beautiful little girl 🥰 My husband was being formed in the womb of a grieving mother 😥 She said she could not love him as a child deserves 😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥 He refuses any professional help 😥 Can I learn skills to communicate in case I ever get the chance🤔 Are we hopeless😥

@jackiemorris8027 Ай бұрын

Clarification 🤔 His mother was grieving a child killed by an automobile biting the child while with his brother and a metal red Wagon 😥💔😥 No one ever got help because of all the alcoholism 😥 I got scorned by others when I found my pregnancy after just a few dates and marriage was the solution 🥰 I felt I loved him and wanted the marriage but I have felt extreme shame guilt and embarrassment for losing my virginity and conceiving at the same time exposing my profound sin to my family friends community 💔 I have never been able to forgive myself and now I am adding more sin by failing as a wife and permanent separation seems inevitable💔 I will never date again ❣️ I am not a slut ❣️ I was ignorant to dating and understanding males 🤯 I had not dated before and will never again❣️

@jackiemorris8027 Ай бұрын

His dad would ghost his family and after his mothers death to cancer the children were told about a sister that they were taught was their relative only being raised by their grandparents on their dads side🤔 The affair partner was nit going to keep the child so adoption was pursued❣️My husbands mother required the kids never know the truth if their fathers affair🤯😥

@jackiemorris8027 Ай бұрын

I cannot stop wanting to save my marriage 🤯💔🤯

@yoJoyJo 2 ай бұрын

47:35

@Claire-cj6nn 27 күн бұрын

❤🎉

@hashtagmate 2 ай бұрын

There's no gender difference in frequency of types, but there is a difference in how being volatile goes for the genders. A volatile man is more likely to physically abuse you than a validating or avoidant man. Societally men are taught that the only acceptable emotion is anger. So watch the volatile man become "emotional" it's just going to be anger and danger.

@givingpresence 29 күн бұрын

I get flooded very quickly