In this video, I'll share a summary and my takeaways from the book by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson -- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
Please subscribe and leave comments below!
*** A full transcript can be found at www.marblejar.net. ***
Hi, everyone. This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar channel and in today's video, I'll share a summary and my takeaways from the book by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson -- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.
Right now, I'm a mental health therapist in training and I've been reading tons of books to help me support and understand my clients better. Some of these books are really excellent and I thought I'd share a summary and my thoughts since it may help you if you are considering purchasing a book. In addition, it helps me to better synthesize and understand the information if I share it with you before I share it with my clients.
The book I read this time was Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. So, I've read a bunch of books about having parents with all kinds of issues: Narcissism, Borderline Personality Disorder, physical abuse, alcoholism, etc. The thing that I like about this book is that it takes all of those different kinds of parents and boils the issue down into one big umbrella trait -- emotional immaturity.
So, the thing is -- kids need things from their parents. The obviously need food, water, shelter, and safety, but in addition, they need emotional connection. People who had parents who were obviously neglectful or abusive probably realize that they have to work through some complex childhood trauma. But for those who had all of their physical needs taken care of, it's hard to figure out why they may feel so emotionally lonely, angry, or distant from others. They can also feel guilty for being unhappy, have a hard time trusting their instincts, and lack self-confidence. I'm going to struggle to capture all of this in one video, but I'll do the best I can to give you the highlights.
First of all, how can you tell if your parent was or is emotionally immature? It's characterized primarily by having difficulties with the strong emotions of others. Some people who are emotionally immature are perfectly fine expressing their own emotions -- even gleeful at times -- although others shut down their own emotions completely. However, both of these types, when faced with a child's disappointment, sadness, or anger, really cannot handle it. They can be so preoccupied with their own situation that they never even notice their child is out of sorts. But when they are actively approached for emotional comfort, they pull away or might even get angry with the child for having these feelings. These parents can be unpredictable -- wise at times and unreasonable at others. They can lash out at any difference of opinion and can get defensive when challenged. They don't have much self reflection and don't accept blame or offer apologies when it's clearly warranted. Some will use their children as a confident, but they will not provide that support back to their child. Does any of this sound familiar? This books give 2 assessment tests that will help you determine your parent's level of emotional maturity and determine the difficulties you may have had as a child with that parent. I think the scoring is a total cop-out -- she basically just says if any of these are true, they are a sign of emotional immaturity. But as a parent myself, it is literally impossible to never do any of these things unless you have the inner peace of the Dalai Lama. I am sometimes insensitive, self-absorbed, and a killjoy, but you are looking for a regular pattern of these behaviors -- and the more behaviors exhibited, the higher the level of emotional immaturity.
I will say that some people have a really hard time labeling their parents as emotionally immature. Particularly if you know your parent had a rough childhood or you watched them struggle and sacrifice to give you what you needed physically. Dr. Gibson points out that it's not an act of betrayal to acknowledge this about your parent. In fact, it may help you to better understand their issues and may result in more compassion towards them. But the most IMPORTANT thing is that having a level of awareness and acceptance of these issues may help you to do something about it for yourself, so you don't continue to perpetuate these unhealthy patterns. . .