This is why I decide I WILL NEVER want to have children. I've been so hurt having emotionally unavailable parents. I never even ask to be born in the first place. I am currently still trying to heal from it all. But I don't know when this healing journey will end. So I do not want to risk repeating the same mistakes to my future children.

i don't remember being hugged as a child and that hurts

I’ve spent my whole life healing from two emotionally unavailable parents it’s pretty sad when this happens especially when you’re young and do not know any different yet ,keep on healing everyone,unconditional love and compassion rules all!😍

This was very insightful. My parents were never „that bad“, but looking back it was obvious they were emotionally unavailable. This resulted in depression, anxiety and now burn out at 23 for me. I’m in therapy now but all of those self-help steps are still hard, but they work. Slowly but surely. Thank you so much for this concise explanation, I really resonated with what you said. ❤️

As an introvert, I would read books and watch youtube in a daily. You know you feel come and at peace in your room but then suddenly one of your parents starts screaming, victim blaming, and pissed off to somebody. This happens everyday.They would get upset at such little things. Sometimes they don't accept the blame when its their fault. Theres no saying hello, good morning, and congratulations in my home. Its freaking lonely. The worst part is that I have been copy pasting their words and actions this whole time. Ain't no way I am gonna end up like that when I become a mother. Even just being a human being. I want to show emotions and affection to others just like what my friends do. I want to be like them.

Each parental behaviour mentioned was my childhood. I dissolve into laughter when therapists ask whether my parents said, 'I love you' or hugged you or gave compliments....(but for as long as I can remember my Dad has been held on a pedestal out in the community). And as a child and even now, my Mum would rather do housework then parent or attend to our emotional needs. I grew up feeling flawed and unloved which still manifests in depression and anxiety no matter how much self-love I express.

Its also generational- my parents are Boomers. They didn’t talk about emotions. Their parents fought in the biggest global war the planet has ever seen.

My issue is when something tough is going on why don people say we are here for you’ then they ignore you when you need them during hard times. This really hurts me bad.

there was a lot of guilt and shame around rest growing up. now that I'm an adult, I find myself correcting my thoughts that I'm not lazy, my body just needs rest and that's okay. 😢❤

I love the breakdown of what it looked like in childhood and how it manifests in adulthood. Very helpful!

Finally a video I can use when someone ask me "why you don't like your parents". The other videos had half the information but THIS video has everything.

Adult, and Im not healed yet. But I am doing better when I realised I have to be my own loving parent. It also helps when I view myself as a armoured warrior. My armour is thick.

2:38 I can’t even lie this moment made me drop my head and cry. I feel this moment on such a deep level. My dad would react the exact same way when I confessed about my first girlfriend dumping me when I was about 13. I felt nothing at the time but sadness about being dumped but never that I wasn’t getting any support from my dad. All these years later it’s heartbreaking when you see it in front of your face and you were too stupid to realize it. That means that by that point it had happened so much that I was immune to it and thought that’s just the way parents responded to anything you told them. I seriously thought my parents were good people that wanted the best for me. The past year has taught me that I don’t know if that’s the case.

I was this child and now I’m the emotionally unavailable parent and it hurts me bc I’m unable to connect.

Typical narcissistic behavior. I don’t think they are full blown narcs, but they have traits.

Both of my parents beat me while growing up. My abuse was because they had high expectations from me. For me to come first or second in class. I was in fourth grade when I came fourth in class and I was crying in class while other kids laughed at me for they barely passed. I got beaten that day. Many such examples, both my mo and dad used me as a punching bag and every success I got was never enough for them. I was 7 years old when I licked something that I wasnt supposed to eat, thinking I would pass in sleep. My teenage years were worse because they didnt teach me anything about the changes in my body or when my grades started to fall because of depression. Feeling of not being enough creeps me forever.

I'm 30 and my dad still is emotionally unavailable to me. I ask him how he is doing ? But never once has he asked how I was doing..I try to make conversations with him but he doesn't continue the conversation .. I know I'm not successful like my siblings maybe that's why. I'm just really sad I feel invisible and i look for attention from men. It's not healthy

not me crying the whole 13 mins

this is painful to hear as it was true for me - i called my dad out on his behaviour today

Thank you so much for this informative video. My mother is a narcissist. And my father is emotionally unavailable. I experienced emotional incest from my father. And my mother was psychologically abusive towards me. I’m so burnt out now. I am no contact with my Mum and I am trying to have low contact with my Dad. I’m 20 years old. 😭

All of your points are so accurate. Emotional neglect as you describe it is devastating to the healthy development of a child. On top of it, most of us also experienced many other negative factors: domestic abuse, divorce, financial instability, illness and death of a parent, abandonment and threat of abandonment, etc. If a kid was somewhat different, he/she might be abused by other kids. Kids with disabilities, autism, odd physical characteristics or habits make them stand out and struggle to fit in. Combine emotional neglect to these other issues and it is amazing that we didn't go stark-raving mad. Thanks, Micheline, for articulating the way emotionally neglect looks. Of course, we didn't know we were abused as kids. The subtle quality of emotional neglect means we may never learn about it as adults and struggle for years. It affects all our relationships: work, education, friendships (or lack thereof), health, intimate relationships, etc. One can live for decades simply with the believe that something is wrong and never know the cause. We think we were born defective. I doubt that we can be fixed after living so long without correcting the damage, but at least we can understand that we aren't totally to blame. This alleviates some of the self-hate which is a bit of a fix.

Toxic positively, I've never heard of that, I am 42 and my mom is always fake happy. My husband just left me with our 2 girls ages 7 and 2, for another woman out of the blue. I'm sad and grieving but it sometimes comes across as anger but I'm tired of crying, I don't have any human to talk to, he abandoned us and my only female friend shows narcissistic traits that I've tried to ignore, like she messaged and asked what she could do and I really didn't know, but nobody has came over here to help me with anything or just sat and talked, except if I ask my mom to come over this evening so I can go to the store without having to bring both of the kids, and she acts like it's such a hard task even though she lives 3 minutes away. she can go for hours with her church friends to their meetings and to the movies with her sister, but just does not seem like she wants to come and see if I'm okay or need anything or have any uncomfortable conversation.

This video is spot on exactly how my life went or unfolded her and then you know I almost finished college with a degree when I was in my twenties for pharmacy technician and instead when I had four classes left and all A's I decided to use meth and went down that route and never finished school now I have $50,000 in student loan debt but I know that I was always trying to please people and taking everything on myself I didn't know how to even express anything to anybody because I was never listened to and yeah this video is just it gives me chills how like spot on it is and how you never see it until you're in a spot of actual healing

Could you also do a video on building meaningful relationships with available people please. Often we don’t realise the people we are trying to build relationships with are unavailable until sometime down the line; they show no tell red flags for quite sometime. I’m also someone who has good boundaries & don’t suffer fools. From your POV what is acceptable behaviour that you’d give a second chance as opposed to one’s you wouldn’t etc. Many thanks.

Thank you for highlighting being overly permisive as a downside! I've always hated this point and never thought why its seemingly negative when it seems like a good thing and as my parents say "builds charecter by letting you do whatever you want" when it was a serious lack of effort on their part.

This was incredibly hard to listen to b/c every. single. thing. resonated with me. It's hard, but necessary, to do the work to heal.

It's so hard being on the autism spectrum and then have a horrible childhood as you mentioned so you've aways been a fighter or emotionally detached for survival, yet society punishes you for it especially if you're a woman. If only people could see how hard life was for you.

The fact that you opened up with that effects of emotional unavailablity is independend on their willingness or unablility is just straight up mind blowing to me. My mom had gone through a lot of abuse as a child. This abuse came out when I was 7 and she had to deal with her own (C-)PTSD and the (C-)PTSD of her sisters in law. My father provided the structure in the house hold by becoming even more liniar and problem solving than before and the result was that my parents were both unable to be effectively emotionally available. They want to be. But arent. This wrecks havock in combination with my autism and that they respond to my disability with jokes, jabs and sarcasm. I always felt like _I_ was the problem instead of them being unable to effectively support me. Or allow themselves to be supported. Heaven forbid if they would actually stand still and accept their own fucking problems. A close friend of mind rapped me on the knockles for being unwilling to listen to my dad's advice ánd hitting panick mode because she thought, at first, that my dad's advice was sound. She spoke a bit on that his POV is valid and that I was behaving like a subborn git in victim mode. She was correct on that end, I did behave like that. But when I unpacked that he started raising his voice because I didnt subscribe to his sense of reality and tried to convince me that he was right and that there were no other options than: GET OVER YOU PROBLEMS AND GO THERE, IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOUR CARREER AND YOU ARE BEING DIFFICULT AND IT HAS ALWAYS WORKED OUT UNTIL NOW She was like. Okay. And THIS is why context matters. Instead of being treated like an adult, one that is cross with the situation and needs help, I was scolded like a child and my independance felt crushed. What helped me out of the curtains was when someone talked me through my options and we made a plan together. During yoga I felt like this was on them, not on me and that it makes sense of me to struggle with using my own voice. It wasnt wanted, they had enough on their plate which they couldnt deal with and me speaking up only reminded them of that. It wasnt my fault.

My parent is 70% of these behaviors. She treats me differently than my other 2 siblings, and they never understand because they dont get the same treatment me. But i am working on myself and i have 2 small children who i will work effortlessly to change for the

Did our parents ever feel really sad and depressed themselves, i wonder?

I try, yeah I fucking try talking to my parents about my feelings! However they don’t care, they do not care! I’m going through internal conflict with my art and self worth and I tried talking to my mom and she is just indifferent. My dad does help me by giving me motivation but that’s it, he doesn’t sit down and talk about it

Been healing in other areas of my life. So here I am..healing something else and it hurts. Yeesh. Thank God for videos like this

I sadly relate to all of this because my mom is Narcisstic and emotionally unavailable

Thank you ,this is an amazing video❤

Great video!

Very insightful and relatable.

So helpful 🥺

Thank-you so much for your help

You put words to my pain! Thank you!

This checked all the boxes. Hearing it helps. Thank you.

Thank you so much for this. You have no idea how much this has helped me today.

Thank you for the very helpful information!💯👍

Omg everything you said is so true.

Thank you for this informative video 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

This is so insightful! Professional advice! Thank you.

No 6 is so accurate!😢

Dang you really get it 100%. I have never heard anyone get this so well

Coming here reading these comments make me cry.

This video is extraordinary. Brimming with insightful information, useful tools & tips, and informed guidance. I can’t thank you enough for sharing this, you are beyond generous. And I am beyond grateful. xx

You are the best ❤

Thank you Dr.Macheline Maalauf ✨🕊️✨

Thank you for this video!! I’m in therapy now and finally healing and learning how to move forward in a healthy way!🙏🏽💜

I relate it to this video on a whole another level. I couldn't even list out the problems and the symptoms I've faced all these years. This video is Extremely helpful for me

You are helping so many people. My heart is broken because my parent are just as you described. Hugs

By far the best video that explains what it is, the symptoms and how to work through some of it. I keep rewatching to remind myself. Thank you❤

This is a brilliant video. I wasn't going to click on it as you look young to understand these topics but you absolutely do. I am going through this healing process currently and it can get v overwhelming and I can feel despairing at times, so it was v helpful to have these explained clearly with some steps to take. I've subscribed for further videos, thank you.

Yep. Sums up my parents very well 💔

Amazing video, after 28 years thinking something was broken and wrong in me, I get to know attachment styles and then the origin : emotionally unavailable parents. Your video and explanations calmed me really down, amazing job and thank you so so much !!!!!

Wow i was expecting to relate to a few points but nearly every. single. point. hit harder than the last

This is incredible advice for becoming mindful and understanding precisely why we do the things we do!! I went through this recently and I discovered that I have borderline personality disorder with NPD traits. I’m in recovery and those negative criteria are no longer calling the shots but I spot them here and there. Thank you for these great tools!

They play a part in me not feeling like a human being

This was very helpful in learning why I was so cold towards my children because my parents were emotionally unavailable to me I could not and did not know how to show emotions or feel them either thanks

This is so true. So difficult to deal with. When i was a kid, only thing i heard from them as a kid was just to focus on study, nothing more. Just the feelings of not being enough is so true.

Thank you for this detailed video, I found it to be insightful and validating. I have written down notes on the healing process you outlined. Are the steps meant to be taken one after the other or just different aspects I may tackle simultaneously?

It's hard because most of the things you listed for the parent side, is who I grew up to be as an adult and I'm terrified I'll continue the cycle. I have zero idea how to handle negative feelings, mine or anyone elses, or even how to label them. I just get mad bc I'm confused. This is the most helpful video in realizing if I want things to be different, I need help. I have to put in the work to fix myself, as hard as that is to even type. I have to do it for my baby and his future. Thank you for making this video.

You sound like an expert therapist/counselor. Very good information and it resonates with me. Now don't stop; love the little sketches. Gotta say though, I'm getting the impression of a frustrated thespian ...

Even though I’m 21 (22 in the next few days) I still experience this a lot with my parents which I feel a lot contributes to my mental health (the others being hormones and sleep) and it would make me feel alone sometimes which would cause my mind to overthink think and visualise minor embarrassing situations into more serious ones. Videos like this do help so I have now subscribed

You read my entire life. 😔

I’m 26 and still not healed. Till this day I crave my parents love/attention and knowing I won’t get it. It tortures me everyday. Idk why I do this to myself I know better by now but I just want them to love me ….they have me everything what I wanted…spoiled me on birthdays, Christmas , ect ….but they hug me ( much) , I could never sit down and talk about how I feel for the day or if anything happens to me. HELL! my first breakup at 15 my mother told me to get over it….when my little sister told me to OFFLINE myself, I broke down and told my mom. And you know what she said to me? “ act my age”. …..my DAD? He never told me he loved me. And I really wished I was being frantic ……I have so many secrets that my parents didn’t know because…they’ll just blame me or I’m just being dramatic…🤷🏾‍♀️…. I pray one day I can overcome this…

I can’t believe that I relate to all of these

Ong this is so crazy hearing. Almost all this is my dad 100%. It’s so weird, this one time I got really overwhelmed I think, it was cuz my dad had came back to visit me in Arkansas after I had been there for a couple months, and he was talking to me about my behavior and stuff and in my opinion blaming everything on me (but I’m used to him doing stuff like this so I just went along w it) and he started crying and I was really confused cuz w how the conversation was going I just couldn’t understand…. And at the end he gave me a hug and told me he loved me (which he rarely does) and while he was hugging me I just like passed out for a couple seconds. It was so weird.

Thank you🤍

Both of my parents are emotionally unavailable, but I’ve never had depression, anxiety, I’ve never had any attachment issues, or issues making friends, I was never really a people pleaser. I understood that all I have to do is be myself and good people will naturally gravitate towards me. I feel like I have good balanced control over my emotions. All my friends are really mature and are often older than me and it really helps me mentally to have good friends to guide me.

Described my mum perfectly

Growing with emotionally unavailable parents will turn you in to one. Especially the anger part.

i didn't realize my parents were emotionally unavailable until i had kids of my own. By then, my mom had been passed away for years and my dad remarried another toxic manipulator. My older sister and i turned out very different. She is deeply troubled, a perpetual victim who takes her problems out on everyone else via pure rage. She's in her mid 40s and still acts like a kid with ODD. She has raised trainwreck children who are terrified of her, but can't escape the trauma bond. i feel terrible, but eventually had to cut her off for my own sanity and the safety of my children. i always knew i wanted to be a mom - not just for the baby stage. I wanted to raise future adult humans and shower them with love and affection. This deep desire was unexplainable because my own parents were not affectionate at all, and low key hated me. But i just always loved snuggling babies, hanging out with kids, babysitting my nieces, cousins' kids etc. i understand a lot of people's concerns about not wanting to pass along their trauma. Of course i can't say yet what kind of adults my children will become. But right now, I'm confident their cups are full emotionally. Their teachers rave about how sweet, curious and brilliant they are. My youngest is nearly 3 and still loves to be held and cuddled. The preschool teachers love to cuddle him too. It can sometimes be a struggle to re-parent myself alongside my own children. But it's also incredibly rewarding and healing to see them flourish, to see their genuine thirst for knowledge, not clouded by anxiety, guilt spiral and fear of punishment/ humiliation. My parents and sister were my first bullies. I will be my kids' advocate and warrior.

Im 35 and my parents dont know who i am the slightest even though they " raised" me. I was a object, a have too, a burden they hate.

My sister always bullies me or takes control of situations without acknowledging my feelings. When I tell my parents they say "just go with the flow and keep the peace."

I’m not lying when I say everything you said is true. Except my mom doesn’t let us do whatever we want. She rules everyone in the family even my step dad. Especially my step dad.

What great videos; thank you! I live in the UK 🇬🇧 Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 to be exact. Could you be so kind as to do a segment on intellectualism as a defence mechanism to avoid difficult emotions. I notice I’m doing this more since my beloved Labrador passed past last August. I’m grieving I’m going through it acknowledging how I’m feeling etc, but how he passed was traumatic. But I’m finding as I’m writing the letter to vet (who did let us down) I’m going through research papers etc to back up my letter. I guess my reasoning is if it went to court it’s all about facts, I hope this makes sense. Many thanks.

Yupp 😢

'Just put it out of your mind!'' was the only lesson I git in Emotional Maturity from my father.! Good advice except the body keeps the score...And I was to blame for breaking down. I give my mother videos describing reasons why I went nuts and she just dismisses them by saying she ' does not agree'. Like you can just Not Agree with cancer and it says Oh- Ok! I'm outta here!!

Bar none, this was one of the best presentations on emotionally unavailable parents. Good work!!!

My experience has helped me be a better parent and not make my mothers mistakes

I wish you were my therapist

I remember figuring out that my mom could not take care of us the right way because she wasn't taking care of that way by her mom and I do remember making that connection but yeah it wasn't until I was in my early twenties and I had dealt with many things that were so hard to have to deal with on your own and a lot of consequences came from the repercussions of the way my parents raised me or technically didn't raise me and they weren't together it was in a divorced way so after the age of 14 I just stopped seeing my dad all together and then he disowned me at like the age of 15 for dating someone that was black so I didn't have either parent I could do whatever I wanted all the time and all I was doing was getting drunk High and having sex way too young. It was permitted though and even encouraged by my mom maybe not the sex part but I started having sex when I didn't even want to I just didn't know how to say no to the guy that followed me home from school

for me i had both off my parents but my father was never there for me for 32 years of my life i even got old enough too know that my dad was never there for my birth or never held me . growing up both off my parents my mom was there for me but you think me being my dads only son too continue his family blood line . boy continue not the girls . i grew up with 3 sister 2 half sister and the 3rd one is my blood sister we came from the same mom . i have a half brother but my sister found out that he not my dad son she found his dad . only two kids that got my dad features is me and my 2nd half sister . i had too learn so much from growing up i wish i had a dad talk with my dad growing up now at 32 years old i just hate seening kids both boys or girls with there dads . it hurts me .

I feel the need to yell at my mom, but she's dead. I'm not happy about it, but I can't think of a single thing I miss about her. And that's sad.

Wow.

I just isolate myself from people and life..

I don't remember the last time they said 'i love you' to me, or even hugged me.

Reading my mom like a book. 😒

#GoodMedicine Thank you. 🍭🌈🌩🍀🐉🌹🌹🐐

Omg..my mom is emotionally unavailable. 😟

What guidance can you offer to the emotionally unavailable parent?

A bit to painful to listen all the way to the end of this very good video

Or they give a solutions. Is you give emotions.

What do you think about the concept we should never complain about anything? Do you agree with this, or is it toxic positivity?

My mother was DA and probably slightly narcissistic and my father was DA and highly narcissistic. We all put my mother on a pedestal as she was the only one that gave out any positive emotion at all. But even so she was still mostly emotionally absent and toxically positive. No complaining. Just get on with it. A ‘nice’ charade. Problem is I’m 51 now & have my own children and she lives nearby. I hardly ever see her because the older I get the less I can stand to. But every birthday my children have she INSISTS on coming over. I have 3 children. I say yes sure of course. But the closer to the day it gets the angrier and more stressed I get. I don’t want her there. I want to celebrate my children’s bday by ourselves. Then I feel guilty because she is so “nice”. And I can’t say no. But I want her out of my life and our lives.

My mother puts higher value in her own Christian beliefs and views, and it's not easy for her to meet me at my level as I can be highly emotional sometimes. A lot of her intentions do come from a good place and I know she cares for my well-being, but at the same time, I recognize that she's always felt unavailable to me growing up. Obviously I know that she loves me, but sometimes, even at 31 years old, receiving that love still doesn't feel like enough. It makes me feel frustrated... granted, my frustrations now don't feel like something that's impossible for me to deal with as I'm able to hold space for compassion and love. I just wish my relationship with my mom at least wasn't so back-and-forth sometimes.