Having a purpose in life that you can throw all of your heart and soul into is absolute key to staying fulfilled and distracted from potential loneliness as a singleton.

Hyper focusing on a breakup is exhausting 😩

It's like I feel more alone in a relationship than I do when I'm single.

Meeting my wife is by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Aside from high anxiety, she’s very neurotypical. Fortunately, both our strengths and weaknesses strongly compliment each other. She truly is my best friend.

I feel like having a relationship with another ADHDer could be either the best or the worst thing ever

We need to normalise being single. Many people are stuck in bad relationships just because they don't want to be single. Applies to both adhd and non adhd people. People need to learn to be happy alone before getting into relationships.

ADHD lovebombing. It's a combination of hyperfocusing but also people pleasing to regulate our emotions. We're giving them all the love we've always wanted others to give us. .... And then we get bored. And then this becomes a cycle.

I’m definitely more productive etc when I’m single, but I still think I’ll meet someone who compliments me, even with my ADHD.😊

I know plenty of ADHD folks who are in loving, fulfilling relationships. Their ADHD doesn't affect their ability to love and be loved. Keep hope alive, y'all!

For the first time in my life I’m dating someone else with ADHD and it is AMAZING. I don’t know how typical this is of relationships where both partners have ADHD but when we’re together it’s like we’re able to form a single fully functional adult. We’ve both put a lot of time into learning how our ADHD affects us and that may be a part of it. But here’s a few reasons why it’s awesome. 1) Neither of us judges the other for ways ADHD affects us, 2) ya know how we need external motivation? We’re able to simultaneously be each other’s external motivation. If we’re on our own we’ll say “I should do the dishes” and then nothing will happen. When we’re together one of us will say “we should do the dishes” and the other will say “yeah, lets go ahead and get that done” and then we actually do it! 3) I’ve never been so in-tune with another person. We’ll walk into a room together and I can immediately tell that she’s just forgotten why we went in there and be able to remind her, or vice versa. 4) One of us will develop a new interest/obsession with something and the other will too and then we’ve actually got someone to talk to about it. Also, i don’t know if this is related to ADHD, but we’re both VERY into respecting each other’s boundaries. We also make sure that we don’t spend too much time together because we know that will lead to us becoming bored with each other. After 2 years it’s still exciting to spend time together. Anyway, i feel like a lot of the issues you described could be solved by just having healthy boundaries.

I feel like that too. I'm happy on my own and I don't feel lonely. If only people could stop pushing me, nagging me to find a partner and get kids!

"I see relationships as a loss of control over pace of events that I set up for myself. It means sacrificing my ability to consistently govern myself according to how I best see it in terms of my schedule and living practices." That nails down what I am struggling so hard to piece together within my brain. At the beginning of a relationship I am always hyperfocussed on the other person and things are easy. Later down the road it is so freaking hard to adapt your life around this other person because if affects your routine and need for being alone with yourself so much.

Jesus man. Once again you very specifically describe something in my life. The very beginning of every single relationship is exactly as you described. I hate playing games and the start of every relationship is a game and if you commit too fast then you scare the other person away. Your videos and the way you describe things is scary accurate.

It’s very difficult ADHD piss’s partners off and then their aggravation mess’s with your mind and your Rsd will be crazy! Most people think ADHD is bs so that’s likely to come out! Also break ups smash us to pieces! The silent treatment kills not reading the situation well flying off the handle! Low tolerance for stress and needing alone time a lot is also problematic! I think you just need to meet somebody who really likes you with the patience of a bus load of saints and you will be set 😁

I just had a fantastic first date yesterday and now as a person with ADHD I'm frantically waiting for him to send a text saying anything good about it. We were together for almost 5 hours, so many little moments so precious in my head. Laughed so much together and changed locations a couple times in that time. I am even picturing myself getting into a serious relationship with the guy and changing ALL my plans I had for the near future. I knew I tend to be this dramatic when I meet someone and bond on this level and that was the reason I abstained from even meeting people for a whole year now. This is so draining to me. Your brain goes a thousand miles a minute and immediately starts obsessing about the person. Wish I wasn't like this, it's so depressing.

Man we sound exactly the same. I am nice to be around when I am calm but as soon as I am irritated I tend to over react. Once people realise this they tend to distance themselves.

2 minutes in and I can say that you have described my life. I thought there was something genuinely wrong with me. After learning about my ADHD I decided to analyse my strengths and weaknesses and at that point you realise whether being in a relationship is for you or not. The downside in choosing not be in one results in those around you being judgemental or concerned since being in a relationship especially after a certain age is the norm in society. Just another thing we have to deal with I guess. Thanks for this :)

I have ADHD and I've been in two serious relationships in my life. When they both ended, they messed me up really badly. After my last break up, it's been just over a year ago (we were together for ten years) and it still affects me negatively every day and I wish it didn't. I wish I could shake it from my memory and move on. However, now that I'm on my own I feel way less stressed, my emotions are way more manageable, I don't feel like a constant disappointment or like some broken thing that needs to be fixed all the time. Which means I'm not constantly beating myself up for not being perfect. Do I miss being with someone and feeling loved? Yes, all the time. Do I miss the constant stress and anxiety? No.

I completely understand what you are saying. I met my now husband in my 30's. He is autistic ( I suspect I am too as well as my ADHD). We are each others rocks. Both of us finally felt we didn't have to mask our true selves and yes there were some very tough times, especially when our twins were young. I had given up on relationships prior to meeting him and he kinda just stuck at it with me 😂. Our particular set of traits tend to compliment each other. I am too driven, he's too laid back. I am more able to understand others emotions than he is, so step in to help him there. He is able to remind me that I am good enough as I am and not be a slave to others perceptions of me. I love that we have made a good life for our twins, both ADHD/ASD wonder kids and that they have two parents who understand their makeup. It's certainly never a dull moment here 😂😂

I've been single for seven years. I hate the idea of a relationship because of men being controlling, rude and abusive and I never want to go through that again. I wasn't a doormat either so leaving was easy but I hurt me so deeply that some things to this day I haven't been able to fully get over. It's like I get a huge dopamine rush in causal/serious relationships and when it ends it's a horrendous depressive suicidal drop. I'm also highly selective of who I keep in my life, don't want many friends as well as a partner. So I relate to trying to minimise stress and being controlled.

I have ADHD and have never been in a relationship. I just can't imagine being able to share the life I try so hard to keep in order with another person. I had no idea the two might be interconnected in this way. Thank you for your insight!

I listen from the non-adhd wife perspective . This is a very mature self-aware and responsible position to take. My husband and I dated long distance and didn’t live together until after marriage: he hid a ton of information from me about himself that people should not do when involving another persons life. Although he has not been officially diagnosed-yet, he is completely aware of his challenges. His RSD has him leaving at the notion of conflict- as tiny as it may be. I could go on and on. I’ve don’t coaching with with Scott and I think you are extremely mature for making this decision it saves both people involved a ton of heartache. Great content as always. I’ve learned so much from you.

I have similar views and I've been told I have a more adult/mature mind set. I got diagnosed at 35 with ADHD. I was fortunate to have help with learning social skills in my early 20s when I couldn't connect with my peers due to social skills I had missed learning because of my ADHD. This led me to form deep friendships that I value. Some day I would like to have a partner, but I am completely satisfied with the companionship and loveliness my friendships provide. This keeps me from being lonely. I also don't want a partner to feel neglected because I like the freedom to focus on my diverse interests or that I need a lot of alone time to recharge. Staying single allows me to do this. Being single also allows me to maintain my friendship because I don't have a partner whose needs I need to accommodate. I want a partner, but don't need one to be happy.

I’ve always thought I was destined to be “forever alone” and I would never be consistently happy with a partner or I would always want to date around... I am in a long-term relationship now and it most definitely has not been easy but I’ve put in a lot of work and therapy and making life changes for myself to better understand why I run from relationships and issues I have within myself that I project onto other people. I dealt with Childhood trauma, etc. there’s so much to be worked through 😳 or there is for me anyway. But I think I’ll be able to do it. And it’s not for everyone, and some days I do wonder if it is for me. But I guess I don’t know where I’ll end up and can only do things to improve myself every day. It’s a wild ass ride man. And I wish anyone reading this the very very very best. You are stronger than you think 💖

My partner and I both have ADHD which honestly works amazingly! I feel like we understand each other way better and we know what it's like to have ADHD. Our apartment is always a goddamn mess but I wouldn't have it any other way. I was happy alone, but I'm glad I took the chance.

You have made me feel so much better. I'm 56 (I always state my age as it indicates how long I have been experimenting with ways of living), and I am a complete " failure" with long term relationships. I always put way too much into them, am critical of myself, am continually trying to be "normal" and not highly sensitive and highly reactive. It's is exhausting and stressful and I end up resenting my partner (unfairly) because I see them as part of this world that demands too.much of me. I am so happy being single - this contentment only happened about a year ago!! It is such a wonderful feeling. It's taken me this long to accept myself and the way I need to live for me.

Limited attention bandwidth is barely enough for ourselves, let alone others.

I think a relationship can be good for someone with adhd , because a significant other can be the consistent motivation and support needed for someone with adhd to function. My girlfriend has proven so. I do wish you good luck with future relationships. Your heart can open up again. Rooting for you .

The right person is magic the wrong person is a nightmare but honesty is the key there are so many different ways of being a couple

BRAVO Stuart! I’m so tired of everyone constantly asking me why I am not looking for someone, why I don’t want to be married, why aren’t I on dating sites, etc. When I tell them that I’m fine being alone right now they either don’t understand or feel sorry for me, lol. My life is a lot less complicated and irrational like this. It’s a nice change from the past chaos I’ve gone through. It makes perfect sense to me that I want to be okay with myself before I involve someone else. I find that most people can’t be happy with being alone and they look to fulfill their insecurities through someone else. That never works. Not in a healthy relationship anyway.

Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable in this video.

I can absolutely relate to everything you said in this video. You were very articulate and thank you for sharing your reasonings behind your choice.

I've chosen to be alone for the past 15 years and it has been good for me. I am glad that I don't feel lonely. That being said, I know that this does not only have to do with my ADHD, but not being constantly confronted with my ADHD symptoms as they brush up against the other person's capability is very hard on my selv esteem, even if said person is patient and understanding as all get out. I'm in my 40s now and very much at peace. Fortunately I never wanted children, so "missing out" on that doesn't feel like a loss either. All that aside, I see people with ADHD in healthy and good relationships frequently, and that makes me glad for them.

Good video! I found being in a relationship very hard because I was so drained putting work into someone else I found I was all over the place and mental health suffered. Us people with adhd need our space and free time

Thank you so much for your honesty. You have a calling and your touching people's hearts.

Thank you for making this video! I identify with this so much, you put into words the thoughts and feeling I've been having a lot lately. Especially the obligation of having to take care of things according to someone else's timetable, that friction causes so much resentment. I had no idea that was attached to my ADHD. Even if those feelings can't be fixed in the moment, knowing that other people feel that way too and knowing where it's coming from is such a relief!!

Holy shit dude! This hits home in such a sensitive way.

Absolutely agree. I have always put my needs last in relationships. Their needs and wants always come 1st so i basically live on anxiety for the full relationship, analyzing everything. Its exhausting. Also, yes, it takes me years to get over a relationship. Im in year 3 of healing after my last relationship break up. So no more romantic relationships for me. They are detrimental to my mental health.

This is so well explained, and actually really explains the issues I've been having within my own relationship. Thankfully we're working together to sort it out and trying to understand each other.

I have never agreed to anything more in my life. After my last relationship (which ended for so many of the reasons you mentioned), I have now been single for 3 years and came to the exact same conclusion. Basically, you put into words the exact situation I am living right now. And I agree, I'm not looking for sympathy or for the right person to come along, I honestly believe and am totally ok with this realization that life is so much more peaceful on my own. It is hard enough trying to organize my own life day to day, to get the most basic things done, and that system can change daily depending on how I'm feeling, which I know and understand, can drive another person who likes schedules and order crazy. It was exhausting, to say the least, trying to "act neurotypical" to appease my partner and not seem "crazy" or flaky or lazy or dirty, unorganized, unmotivated, passionless, useless, inefficient, etc. Not to mention my self-esteem slowly flittering away when my best efforts were met with disappointment and being told I was a liar to myself and to others when I didn't come through with completing plans I was excited about before but wasn't any longer. By the end of the relationship, I hated myself and literally cried every day because I couldn't and would never be good enough for this person to love me. I have come a long way since then, but yeah, to say I am closed off to letting others in is an understatement lol. But as I say, I am so much happier now and all this time alone has let me learn so much about who I am and what works for me, and I am a better person because of this decision.

I thrive on my own and I’ve come to accept that. The problem with relationships and dating are all the games and over saturation of choices. It’s overwhelming for me... and like he mentions, it can destroy any structure you have created for yourself...get a guinea pig...they don’t argue (at least not in a language you understand) and college tuition is quite inexpensive for them 😊

My years of learning to control my emotions through my wife have saved my life. Has it been easy? NO. Really *really* hard. But it’s been worth it. Having a team where we work together on our issue.

You are so incredibly self-aware and your ability to articulate these things is lovely and I can relate on every level.

Any relationships are difficult, thank you for being so honest.

Wow! You sound so much like me although I crave a relationship despite my very similar worries. I just like having someone with me. :)

It's hard being in a relationship with RSD, maybe we can wait for the right person at the right time.

Makes a lot sense. Something I have been struggling with greatly. Thanks for all of the info! It helps a lot!

Thank you explaining exactly what i kept thinking all these years.... All over internet, relationships are so much worshipped that nobody suggest any alternative to it. You video felt like a breath of fresh air.

I'm married and have ADHD. I think that it's as much about finding a person who is laid back, who will hold you to account, but not parent you. It's not just about falling in love, which I do easily, its about finding a partner who fits well with your lifestyle. I know it doesn't sound romantic, but most of living together isn't romance. In some ways it also helps that my emotions tend towards sadness or loneliness over anger most of the time. I don't get angry at my partner, I get upset with myself. This is easier for him to deal with than if I was angry at him for having different needs.

Really appreciate your content. I’m waiting for my psych appointment in the coming week, and hoping like heck that I get the diagnosis I believe I’m overdue for. It’s not just romantic relationships for me, but also friendships. I’ve cut people off over the years and outright avoided forming new friendships due to feeling pressured by expectations (this goes both ways), as well as a lack of patience and understanding, which I can only partially ‘blame’ others for since there’s a part of me that I’ve only recently come to suspect is a contributing factor at the age of 38...

Omg this is so realistic. I’ve been needing to hear this. Very informative! Thank you

Wow... you explained my exact thoughts and emotions. Super insightful and i totally agree.

Haha yes I definitely can relate! Looking back at my past relationships I've realized that I lost myself into the relationship. I let the pursuit of my own wants and goals fall too far by the wayside. Right now my focus is finishing my post-grad study and I can confidently say, for probably the second time ever in my life, that I am content and glad that I am not in a relationship. I know 100% it would distract me right now but I know I'll be open to it in the future. I briefly dated a guy with ADHD last year before I was diagnosed and the connection was amazing. I think maybe dating another person with ADHD is the way to go hahaha

I could relate to each and everything you said. My friends kept nagging me about '' why don't i get into a relationship and my reply always was '' i can't even manage myself then why would i bring someone else into my life''. My friends once said that i think that people don't deserve me that's why i don't get into a relationship whereas i'm comfortable being single and being alone with myself it is the only time i feel peace. This was before i identified i had ADHD so now when they ask me i tell them that i'm asexual. Case closed. I can't tell them i have ADHD because i don't wan't the sympathy filter to ruin our friendship.

this is such a good channel it feels like you just narrate my life sometimes

Thanks for that, that was really insightful & you shed a light on things I didn’t realise I had done or how I was reacting in a relationship.

I have adhd and I‘ve just started dating someone, things are getting pretty serious. Now I‘m a bit worried that adhd will be an issue. I weirdly don‘t really have any problems with my emotions, I can manage them quite well. But I’m quite clumsy, and very forgetful.. I think the worst part is, people will never understand what you feel like and that the world’s very different for adhd-patients..I’m starting therapy next week. Hopefully I can work on it.✨

I was diagnosed as an adult last year. It explained much of my childhood and adulthood and answered a lot of questions I had about why I was the way I was. I’ve found not being in a relationship to be much easier and far less stressful than trying to force myself to be the kind of partner society expects one to be. It’s often difficult to get through the day doing my own thing, or trying to anyway. Whenever I’m in a relationship it’s significantly more difficult.

thank you for your honesty. incredibly helpful

I really appreciate your take on this - I'm 25 & recently diagnosed, I've personally never been in a relationship before and believe the reasoning is heavily tied into all of what you just explained - the idea of factoring in another person's well-being and emotions while trying to manage my own is such a daunting concept that it would take an immense amount of focus and self-regulation. Great video, I love the way you explain things

Yes, i do agree with you! But, if, just if, you find that one person, that really acknowledges and loves your ADHD "quirks" (the things you describe here), it brings so so much more! I had it, even if I didn't know back than I had ADHD, that girl loved me for whoever and whatever I was and did. There was indeed some friction, as I didnt know why things happened the way they happened with me. But she made me aware of a lot of my quirks and personality, and she helped me with the downsides of my ADHD; the 'procrastination', she helped me do things, my loved my hyperfocus on the things i did and even stimulated me to get there, and she even dropped extra ideas and focus on top of that. She loved me for who I was, and supported me lots, if you'll ever find that, your 'negative' sides and things will not matter anymore, they will only be for the better in the relationship. Hope you'll find that one person, until then indeed just stay single, it's not always worth the trouble and extra energy spend.

Mate you sound identical to me. All of your struggles are exactly what I've been through. Even when you spoke about being so selective with your friends and building up a wall, I've done all that myself over the years, and now of course, I know why.

I’m pretty new to all of this but I can honestly say that I resonate with everything that you’ve just said. I am so tired of hyper focusing on one person, before during and after a relationship and having it dominate my entire existence. I’m beginning to hit a sweet spot in my life where things are becoming a little easier with certain systems, rituals and routines in place, something that would have to be compromised if I were to let anyone in on my little world. Relationships can be beautiful but I have never found peace in any of the ones that I’ve experienced, so I’m just focusing on cultivating meaningful friendships with a few people. Thank you for sharing your story. 💜

Came to the same conclusion a while ago. The way you're able to put this into a clear description is honestly cathartic.

Woahh this is quite interesting and relatable to me? I’m 19 and have found myself in my first ever relationship, after realising I’m on the aromantic spectrum, and was indifferent to relationships. Since being in this relationship (7 months now) I am realising I likely have ADHD (helped by my partner and massively by your videos) and am in the process of getting a diagnosis/help. I also feel apprehensive about my current & future routine being disrupted, and worried about losing my freedom and independence, despite my girlfriend being super supportive, as I never really thought I’d be in a relationship, especially not this soon/young, so I thought I’d have my whole life to live completely by my own rules/desires. I think I struggle with RSD too as I’m always worried that a disagreement about even something trivial means I’m wrong/silly for thinking or believing what I do, even though it’s normal and fine to have different interests and opinions.

There are so many things that I’m learning are from ADHD! I always thought how weird it was that rejection made me lose my shit

WOW ! This video came right at the time I most needed to understand what is going on with me and why I like being by myself. 🙏🏽

Thank You for sharing all of this! It's a very thought provoking video and you made some brilliant points!👌

Couldn't agree more! Always wondered why I never enjoyed being in relationships like all my friends seemed to. I find I get bored of people super quickly, and along with RSD and low tolerance for bullshit it's just too much

People definitely have to do what they feel is right for themselves, for sure. I think I found a really good situation for myself personally. My partner is a Psych PhD who is 100% a type A personality. While a lot of people looking in would probably say that he does a lot of "mothering", it's really a system we have worked out that works best for us. The key is that there is mutual benefits in the relationship. My partner doesn't mind reminding me of things and actually helps me keep something of a routine which is something that is really helpful for people with ADHD but often difficult to develop as an adult who didn't have treatment growing up. On the flip side, he has a REALLY hard time having fun, because he is a big workoholic. So I help him by getting him out and doing things, playing games together, making him food and making sure he takes a break to eat it(which honestly helps me remember to do so when I am taking my Adderall XR as well). He also has a lot of anxiety that I have helped him with a lot. I have gotten really good at helping him through panic attacks and in most cases ending them sooner than what they would have been alone. One of the big benefits of ADHD is that we are bigger picture folks who can generate ideas rapidfire, so I have actually helped him a lot with research papers because I look at things so much differently than he does. So while it might seem like a lot of work to other people that he functions as my personal secretary, he has at least told me that to him it's an equal exchange.

Yes... This. I'm so glad to hear someone else say these things... It's not just me.

Your videos are short, full of substance, fast and have those background effects that work well with my inability to focus on just one thing. This is perfect for someone with AHDH! I love your work already.

I feel the same. I am extremely busy, and tons of responsibilities. On top of my ADHD. I have a hard enough time trying to prioritize it all.. Everytime I started a new relationship, for some reason they expected me to be a second mother. Also overtime they expected me to take on their responsibilities without offering mine. Is it just the lack of boundaries I create in relationships? Or perhaps dating very needy people? Either way I'm going on a break from all that. To many issues that comes of it, then benefit. I enjoy your channel btw.

This is interesting!! I'm actually moving out of my place with my AMAZING roommates cause I'm trying to reduce stimulation, and I've decided not to take on a relationship for a while for the same reasons. My HOPE is that being able to establish a pattern with myself, be more self-aware, etc, it'll be easier to incorporate another person into my world. So theorizing more on a middle ground :)

This was very insightful. Needed to hear this tonight. Thanks

I love this video so much. I completely relate to all of this. Everything. I'm speechless that you've just condensed all my views and feelings on relationships in this one video. ❤️

Everytime I start dating someone my work attendance gets really bad. I have a hard time balancing the new relationship luke you said. I'm glad to know there is a cause for this.

as a person with hypersensitivity and ADD, I definitely agree. I'm probably happier on my own, only sharing some parts of my life with someone I want to and at times I want to - all picked by me I might think that the reason for this might be, that if I start a relation with someone, I'm really gonna be invested in it, using up a bunch load of energy. and if a relationship ends, it hurts even more, because I have spent insane (probably inadequately much) energy into it in the first place. I also need my peace and self-time so much - totally relate to the video.

Oh man, this really hit the nail on the head! Spot on. Thank you for this video and helping people like me feel validated in the choice to stay single. I've been single 4 years now after so many heartbreaking relationships. I just wish I had figured it out 20 years ago lol.

Wow! You really nailed it on the head as to why I have always had issues with past relationships AND my marriage.

All I did was read the title so far but, yeah. I can relate. I was actually thinking about this earlier today. Not just single, mind you. But completely independent from anyone who has some kind of stake in my activities, including children and parents. I need total freedom. The less freedom I have to govern my own way of life, the more I am I am whittled away to a pathetic, neurotic shell of a woman liable to crumble at the slightest hint of upheaval. When I am single and independent, I'm a confident, unstoppable force that ironically inspires those around me to try and "catch" me in a relationship.

H’mm I’m a 48 year old married mother of 3 - and I totally understand what you mean. I do get quite stressed just being around my family at times - actually anyone for any length of time. I actually love being on my own. But in order to grow & develop relationships may be necessary. They are hard yes - but isn’t that how we develop in those essential human aspects of tolerance, patience, love, compassion, resilience, empathy...? If you don’t put yourself in uncomfortable situations - then you don’t grow outside your comfort zone or circle of influence. The 7 habits of highly effective people talks about that & how we develop through our reliance on one another & interconnectedness - rather than stopping at the level of being responsible for only ourselves. However in saying that, I have noticed a lot of v successful career people do not have children. And having a partner & children is difficult though no denying that & it can put the brakes on pursuing your own individual career or intellectual goals & aspirations which can be frustrating.

So glad you touched on this topic with the basics rather than getting emotional like most people do on this subject!

Wow. I relate 100% to everything said in this video. Very well explained!

I was ready to disagree with the premise because I’m a big believer in LOVE. However, speaking for myself, I need a ton of silence and I’m a fixer/do-er/nurturer, so that means that if the other person isn’t self-initiated, competent, or independent, I take on the burden of being the main adult, so to speak. In walks my husband....... with Aspergers. WTH universe!? It has been a nightmare 5 years. However, now that we’ve discovered our neuro-divergent brains, (we didn’t know!) there is huge hope. My impatience and frustration is lessened knowing his limitations. Now. Would I be “better off’ single? In many ways, yes, absolutely. Peace, less stress..... Would I be worse off? He loves me like no other. He’ll do anything for me. He’s an amazing father. He makes me laugh. He supports every single crazy idea my brain conjures up. I would be poorer for not having his love. Here’s the thing. We tend to see life in a very limited way - social norms. But we can create a partnership/marriage that looks how WE need it to look. He knows I need space - he enjoys his job. Bring on over-time, working away, etc. If he’s home, he understands to find things to do outside. Or he takes our daughter out - bliss. Have separate hobbies, live separately, whatever works. And don’t make your neuro-divergency an excuse to not compromise. EVERY relationship requires it. Happy to have a messy house but learning to tidy up for your partner’s and family’s sake is called maturity. If you can cultivate amazing communication, both of you can get what you need.

Married for 10 years to another ADHDer. We tend to fill each other’s gaps since our symptoms are different enough to compensate. (I’m very patient but less empathetic, hubby is more empathetic but less patient.) We’re also 2E, so some of our coping can come from that as well. We’re both good at reminding each other about things that need to be done and find ways to motivate each other to do better in areas where we struggle. All that said, I have a friend who is single by choice with ADHD and a grandmother who has been single for 50 years. What works for some people might not work for others.

What a relief to hear someone share similiar thoughts on choosing not to be in a relationship! Recently when trying to explain this to other's it's resulted in lose of self esteem and feelings of there being something wrong with me. Even though I can accept everyone is entitled to their opinion without being a reflection of myself, for some reason when it seems like everyone is saying it somehow my thoughts become very dark and natural obessive. Appreciate that I've someone who is willing to share their experiences because it honestly helps relieve a lot of anxiety

I wish this video was longer. you hit the nail on the head!

I really like your videos. They are honest and raw. Although I disagree slightly this time. It seems that you are speaking more from your pain from past experiences than from a fairly objective place. I get it. It is difficult to say something optimistic when carrying a certain backpack of negative experiences. I just wanted to tell you that there is hope. Your ADHD is not all that you are. The difficulties associated with the disorder are obviously going to influence, but ... it is more than possible to find someone to navigate them with. Do not lose hope. Signed: Extremely introverted woman with overly extroverted ADHD + cPTSD boyfriend. 🤗

This has been amazing. I had a violent reaction to the ending of my last relationship, like uncharacteristic emotional reactions (Like shooting a bone-chilling glare at the person), throwing up, not being able to eat or keep food down. The relationship was almost 7 years old, there was infidelity involved with the other side, that person ended up breaking up with me. It's been over a year since the breakup, almost a year since I was forced to leave. I had to move across the United States back to live with my parents. I was close to that person's family, so it was like losing a whole family, too. Continued to have physical pain reactions to everything, dissociation, intrusive thoughts. Ended up pushing everyone away without meaning to, in different ways. Self-isolated. Suicidal feelings, general lack of zest for anything and life. Lethargy. In the end, it really changed me. I was kind of beginning to get close to someone who also experiences ADHD, and that did not end up anywhere. We were both realizing we may be better off alone in life. This person I was talking to, we're still friends. The person I was in a relationship with for almost 7 years will not speak to me, probably because of my almost bi-polar messages and reactions to them and everything that happened. I never said anything cruel to the person just things like "I trusted you more than anyone else" "you don't care about me." "Your -new partner- is a dick and a homewrecker". That person cannot and will not understand what I have been through to react in such a way. I wish they could. I could not control myself at the time. It's been like a constant roller coaster of emotions since everything happened. Like a constant roller coaster of resentment, obsessiveness, neediness, guilt, depression, love, heart-break all over again, trying to learn how to just be my own person again, etc. It's been difficult, and I'm still not over it, but at least I have been healing over time, but I really feel like I will never be able to trust a person like I did my last partner again. Or really put my whole soul into another partner again. I can't look at relationships with the starry eyes I used to. I still have a whole lot of love I want to give, but I mean friends and family are still a thing, right? I still hope someday I can love romantically again and hopefully it'll be a person who doesn't betray and reject me again. I dunno. It all really sucks so much. Thank you for the video, learning about RSD and how it may have contributed to my reaction to the breakup really opened my eyes. EDIT: Also, it's amazing how much I otherwise relate to what's said in this video. I was saying things to my last partner like "You can't fix me, only I can fix me. I just needed you to be there for me, just support me while I try to figure this out, just be with me at my side." and the whole "mothering" thing is waaay too relatable. I was willing to conform to all of the changes and guidelines set by my last partner, even if it felt unnatural for me. Well, now that it's just me I have had revelations like "Oh, I can just clean up the mess at my own pace. If it doesn't bother me, it's okay. Wow."

AMEN to everything you just said 100% FULLY!!! THANK YOU

Never ever I could relate more to someone’s insight! First time I feel like I’m not alone in this hyperfixation and heartache! Thank you for sharing this…

I really relate to 2:20 - 3:08 !! When i tell people that I do not want romantic relationships and that i want to live alone, they always tell me i'll change my mind and will want someone to come home to. Thank you for this video!

I’ve been married for 28 years. I have ADD and my husband is a friggin’ saint for putting up with and loving me. If I were ever single again, I’d stay that way because I know I’ll never find anyone like him ever again.

This is the best way to articulate what I've been trying to explain to people

Dude! great video(s). I've struggled trying to get even my closests friends to understand my position, and your videos are getting the msg. across to them pretty damn good dude! Keep it up!

Wow. This video was so relatable. Its been so much easier being single. Ive been too afraid to dive back into the serious dating scene due to my last serious break up having seriously awful effects even 2 years later. But its completely put me off opening up to the idea of dating.. my ADHD causes me to hyper-fixate pretty easily when im even slightly interested by someone and that completely ruins my routine and i hate it. On top of that, after a few months - unless im really interested in the person (very unlikely) i end up getting bored/under-stimulated by the person and leaving. Maybe people with severe ADHD like me are better off alone after all.. its just so disheartening. I wish i could regulate my emotions and responses better :/

hey man, serious suggestion try not to avoid relationship, but try to reimagine the right relationship for you, maybe its a committed relationship in which you don't live together? maybe have a polyamorous arrangement in which you and your partner have a few people to take care of different needs... the possibilities are endless, just open your mind and use your ADHD imagination to really decide what fits you, and then try to aim to make it happen. don't lock yourself in a lonley prison just because society only calls a narrow bandwidth of arrangements "a relationship"

All very good points. I totally understand you!! Thanks for sharing. The pain at the end is very intense....indeed it is.

Thanks for the videos and especially that one. That made me realize that is probably why I stayed single for so long. And now struggling with my ADHD affecting my current relationship.