Agreed, I definitely emphasize with Rose. My dad physically attacked me when I was 10 (to the point where my aunt almost hit him with a frying pan). he screamed at me the whole way home, upon arriving I feared more abuse would ensue; instead dad demanded I forgive him or else I'd end up in eternal hell. At 10, it never occurred to me that he was manipulating me and that in accordance to our religious faith, he must be accountable for his behavior & repent, only then must I forgive him. sad to say, dad has never apologized nor acknowledged his violent outbursts. Instead he had me institutionalized for "my violent outbursts" when his feet were held to the fire.

Lol!

Sooo great I laughed so hard!!! Lololol

🤣

LOL! thanks I needed that!

So true it made me vomit.

I've noticed that many of them think that having children is the key to being happy. It sounds normal to most of the world, but many of us know that having children for this reason is a toxic mindset. They're supposed to add joy to your already joyful life, not cure depression.

I mean, sometimes they have kids just so there is another thing to control. Then get more abusive when that controlling grip loosens on an aging human, who's hopefully learning to think for themselves and get somewhere safe in life.

Child abuse is rampant in the US. Look up the statistics. It's horrifying the number of children molested by relatives. It's tragic the number of people who kill one or more members of their family. Society and religions must stop pushing procreation. It's not fair to children who are raised in these abusive, violent situations.

Yes it is so sad . But I’ve heard that “like attracts like” so perhaps that explains it ☹️

This was all by design -- to keep people stuck in a low frequency. We're breaking free now.

I picked up on that too.

Yep! The triangulation set up was so obvious! I really like how Anna was more animated and genuine in human disgust! Very validating! I also highly respect that she is disciplined in her professionalism. My fairy good mother. 🥰

Triangulation is one of the top three tactics my BPD/narc Mom uses. It is pretty easy to spot after the first couple of times you get hung up in it.

CLASSIC narc tactic

EXACTLY!

Sames. 😢I’m so much more regulated now that I limit contact with her.

Exactly

triangulation, yes! you nailed it

Girl… you called it! ⚔️❤️⚔️ have boundaries around her like a ninja 🥷.

Yes! Triangulation! Of course, I can see it. My mother has spent a lifetime creating division & destruction in our immediate family through triangulation, of course w/ would do it with ex in laws.

@@FreedomForever116 yes, mine too. Horrendous

what's this "forgive so you don't look like the bad guy" nonsense she is talking about ??? Why does she have to change someone's feelings? at about @13 minutes. The victim has no obligation toward the perpetrator and no! no-one has to change how they feel. Resentment is there for a good reason. Anger is there for a good reason. Don't let anyone tell you that emotions are wrong or how you are suppose to feel, that's abusive. They are NOT wrong ! In fact, they will keep you safe.

Interesting how they always favour the sons or the daughters who will be a carbon copy of them

@@leaf4958 yeah I hope he sees right through it and believes the letter writer. I'm sure he will.

she has his number for a group text so there was probably some contact prior. Else: HOW did she get that number? Creep factor magnified.

@@MellowJelly *does not believe the letter writer.

@@leaf4958 Most males are not good at reading females. Likely the prospective mother-in-law's lavish "love bomb" praise of the fiance will further distort his lens view of her, if tinted "rose" not "Rose." If Rose "run"s, will she ever find a male mate who can see through her mother's narc gamesmanship? If Rose has explained to her fiance the hard cold facts of her mother's failure to protect Rose as a child from her stepfather's predations, perhaps those "just the facts, Ma'am" may help him see through the mother-in-law's gaslit praise of him and shift of blame to Rose.

Same here 😢

Same -- didn't expect it, but as soon as the blame-shifting started, I got a sense of insects under my skin. Received a not entirely dissimilar email just this May, in fact.

Yes! Same here! Stomach turning and some kind of repell-reaction. Had to pause the video. Breathe. Look at something else for a while.

This sounded like a boyfriend I once had. I still can't defend myself aginst their(psychos) behavior. I hear it, but can't respond properly. So glad to read, that you have healed!!

I mean I've often read how you're pushed not to have your own feelings, but have had to read so much more before it clearly clicking as straight away as it could, into difficulty later on with decision making. So, I appreciate this.

""I was listening how normal Rose mother sounded, or at least how normal she sounded to most people"" so God damned right!!!!! Thank you for pointed it that out.

WHAT?!?! ... Absolutely NOT!! The woman sounded manipulative and disingenuous.

@@joanellebracht5311 which woman? I think you misread the message. I was "quoting" on the comment.

The MOTHER.

@@reginap942 SO TRUE. I didn't quite realize that until she pointed that out.

exactly...

Yes Carol! This! Deep pain. So sorry you went through this-sending love. I am standing alongside you as someone who has been through the same.

Well said and amen. Sad how many of us there are in this particular club.

Yes! I’m trying to get past the hurt that my extended family sees me as the bad one, the one who is intentionally doing the hurting.

Just chiming in to say I am also a member of this club and extend my truest compassion to you, Carol. I hear you and see your pain.

Linda I find your story very comforting and inspiring.

At 64 I am in the same basic place you are...and so is my toxic Mom still toxic. I don't know about you, but I really appreciate knowing I am not alone! Hope you are having a good day!

@@Tilly850 I hope you have a good day as well ☺️

Linda: might we have been separated at birth?

Sick! Good for you leaving.✨

I can't leave because of my Mom's financial sabotage, but what I started to do was call her out on that stuff and push back on those narratives, until she finally started to leave me alone. She didn't like having her tactics named out loud, and I think she felt a lot of shame.

ABSOLUTELY, Anna is the best YT can offer ❤

100%

So amazing the effect of hearing Anna say what a healthy mother would say in comparison to what was said by Rose’s Mom ,..and my mom her twin narc. Thank you Anna for the unedited-ness!!!!

@@annaro3123 I think Anna and Patrick Teahan

Hugs to you too!

You are so brave and incredibly strong...I’m so sorry you weren’t protected

@@CrappyChildhoodFairyyou forgot to say how the mom triangulated the daughter & son in law to shame her even more.

There's nothing wrong with telling your child she has the right to say no, but that convo should have come AFTER your mom called police on the perpetrator. I was similarly left undefended and wasn't even coached that I had the right to say no. Not that it helps much when the perpetrator is an adult over twice your size and you're conditioned to obey adults without question.

You are a strong person, keep your head up! I believe in you and keep sharing your struggle as it does help others out and I feel comforted with having read part of your struggle. God Bless You and May the good Lord Jesus Christ Heal You!

You Totally Rock! 💜💜 Thank you

Me too 🙏

"Distance, standards, and self repecting boundaries are so valuable." Yesss. HEAR HEAR!

Yes hopefully something to induce her into a nice siesta from which she can wake when the party's almost done! 🤣

Someone need to slap the shit out of her and give her a genuine reason to play victim, and then do it again while she's playing victim 💀

Better if the mother doesn’t attend the wedding if they are going to be on edge all the time for fear of what the mother could do.

So true! -Cara@TeamFairy

Same. I've gotten 4 raises and a promotion and I haven't told my parents any of it. Last time I shared that I got my current job at w considerable raise in salary, she just said "Oh, I hope that doesn't mess up your divorce." #done

We're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy

You can heal now, so glad you are in our community :) -Cara@TeamFairy

I too would like to hear her response to this issue. Sorry you’re going through it too

Welcome to the scapegoat role. My condolences. If at all possible don't take it personally, it really is about your mom's deficiencies

@@limitedtime5471 thank you 🙏

@@thesellingsocialworker4773 thank you, sorry to hear that. Good luck to you 🙏

Well, I think first of all cutting all ties with the mother. And then if another family member comes up with anything she said about you, responding with that all she has are old feelings, but that you are over the old stuff and moved on and that if she didn't you can't do anything about that, and that you are not willed to go back to that. Reminding them that you can't have done anything wrong to her anymore because you cut the ties. And that if they can't move on from old things YOU and YOUR MOTHER had, and no one else, it's also not your problem anymore. That takes away as much power as possible from her over you. It's harder to turn someone against someone else if all you can provide are old situations and feelings left, than by new situations you can turn around, switch, lie about and weaponise against them. If your other family members are also not willed to move on from stuff that wasn't even their business then you also can only not reach out to them anymore. If they reach out to you, then you need to make clear if they start about it you're not willed to stay busy with old grudges people have on you, and that if they don't accept it they're not welcome in your life anymore. But stay calm and say that matter of factly and explain that it's not about them and not because you were angry or anything, but that you just don't want such things in your life anymore. Also, don't try to bring them on your side. Most of the times it doesn't work if they already picked the sides and it will be used against you again. Say that you are not angry at your mother or anyone but that it's just about eliminating such stress and negativity, even if that might not be true. As soon as they smell emotions they will try to drag you into it again. I know it's not fair, I know one wants to hear that it's not ones fault, I know one want that others realise it, but the problem is you won't get it from them. Of course you can try to show them that it is your Mum and not you who's in the wrong, but ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth the pain when you try hard but they don't want to believe you anyway? Is it worth that fight? I don't think so. You can find people who will listen to you and who will support you and tell you that it is not your fault without the need to fight them first. It doesn't need to be your family. Saying that you can't do anything against that she still holds a grudge but that you don't allow it being part of your life anymore takes away so much power from her. Tell them if they want to talk about it they shall do it with your mother but that they shall keep you out if it. And that if they think you're such a bad person they are free to stay out of your life, too. Tell them if they treat you badly that you don't allow to be treated like that. I know it sounds far, far easier than it is. But you need to realise that there're no benefits for you in a contact to those who act against you. Even if you think it would put you into being alone: Being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely, nor means being not alone being less lonely. Ask yourself what the contact to them if they treat you badly gives you. Is there any dependence to keep up with them? Or is it only anxiety and a whole lot of "buts" which are just tries to justify them and you staying in contact with them? Is it "but they love me?" People who love you don't treat you like that. Is it "but I love them?" So, what do you love and is that love really bigger than the suffering you experience? "I don't have anybody then?" Oh, being alone can be quite nice. And what positive things does their company provide to you? Make a list if you want why you don't set boundaries and then answer yourself why these points are bad ones, argue against them like I did above with the few ones. Or is there really something that forces you to stay in that situation? Something you really can't do anything against? I know that I didn't answer your question as you asked it, because how to cope with it would mean not changing the situation. But I never give advice how to cope with a situation if in my opinion getting out of the situation should be the solution. I only do that if change is no option. Not saying this might not be the case with you but by now I don't have any informations which would tell that.

You know, I haven’t been able to talk or interact with my mother for about 6 months now. I’ve been sure she was narc and then so insecure about my sureness. Something in me just can no longer tolerate my mothers presence and the way our conversations are always about her depression, her woes, her feeling sad, her needs, etc etc etc. After hearing Anna respond to this letter, I feel sure again and resolved in my decision to keep a healthy boundary of no contact.

Glad it helped :) -Cara@TeamFairy

Glad you're here! -Cara@TeamFairy