"Excuse to feel like you're special"-because, yes, my whole life I've felt I'm fitting in too well.

I'm trans and I used to think that any gender identity outside of the binary was, at best, someone who hadn't come to terms with being trans yet or, at worst, just trying to be a special snowflake. After watching some really good and challenging explanations by various people I started to change my views and I now realize that it was my own insecurity, internalised transphobia, and fear of not being accepted for my own identity, that made me feel threatened by people who didn't just identify as either male or female. Now I realize that even if I personally don't understand something, that doesn't make it any less possible for it to be another person's truth. Also, if I want people to respect who I am then it's pretty hypocritical for me to not respect who other people say they are. Ironically, by becoming more open minded, I have realized that, although I still feel on the more masculine side of the trans spectrum, I would maybe identify as closer to trans masculine non binary rather than just as a trans man. Unfortunately I don't feel like I can be open about that because people close to me would not be accepting. Anyway, hopefully this video will help some people start the process of questioning their views and becoming more open minded, as other videos did for me. Speaking about these things is so valuable and Super girl is very elequent in putting her knowledge across. Also thank you Ella for being willing to be vulnerable enough to put out there the comments you have got and how you feel. Thank you both

I love your daughters argument for “thee” and “thou” 😆 its very true! Also, she’s so well spoken!!

Thank you for what you do, Ella. And thanks to Supergirl for her clear and logical rebuttals.

I really loved your comment of "I am not asking you to change your beliefs, I am just asking you to respect my preferences." and I would love to quote you on this! I spend a good bit of time in both liberal-leaning and conservative-leaning circles and you can imagine the conversation about gender and gender identity is very different in each. The reluctance to use preferred pronouns comes up a lot in the latter, because people are uncomfortable speaking in a way that doesn't align with their own philosphy. But when it comes to actual people, I think being respectful of those people and their lived experience should generally take priority over expressing one's own opinions about that category of experience.

I think I am non-binary. I feel like I am part female and part male. Even though I wouldn't want to be called they/them personally I think that it is a matter of respect. Call people what they want to be called. No one's religion can be proven yet I still call people Buddhists, Muslims or Christians even If I don't believe in their religion. Because I respect their beliefs. You don't have to agree with someone to respect them.

I felt non binary before the internet was even invented! There was just no word ‘non binary’ back then.

I'm a psychologist and I'm so impressed by how intelligent and articulate Super Girl is! Her counterarguments are succinct and just hit the nail on the head. I gotta say, she's wiser than many adults.

I am autistic. When I hear they/them being used as singular, my inner grammar nazi cringes. But!!! My inner grammar nazi is wrong in this case and even if it wasn't, that reaction is still a me problem and not a valid reason to be mean or disrespectful to others. Oh, and also I'm non-binary too, but don't use they/them because I can't get that inner grammar nazi to stfu. But once again, that's a personal choice and it's nobody's place to decide what pronoun someone else should use anymore than it would be to decide what name they could use or what clothes they could wear. And your daughter, BTW, is awesome!

Heck yeah! Great video! Happy Transgender Day of Visibility to my fellow trans and gender-diverse siblings!! 💙

Point 3 sounds like internalised transphobia. Like how biphobia was rife in gay culture in the 90s. I think you're proper ace. Supergirl is a superstar.

Go Super Girl! Crystal clear impeccable logic wins! And Purple Ella, you are not trying to be special. You are being authentic, and that helps us all. It helps your kids and other kids and it helps your peers who never got help being authentic. Someone has to lead the way, and that person will be picked on. Warriors!

I found this video by searching “being non-binary is valid” because mf’s online keep making it super complicated and and after scrolling through a couple homophobic videos I finally found this one……thank you.

Great points. This is a simple matter of respecting others. And thank you Ella for your final statement about being understanding of mistakes. Change can sometimes take time to normalize in the brain. For me, it feels like translating a newly learned language to the words that one knows. However, after enough repetition it becomes part of one’s lexicon, no longer requiring translation.

Supergirl is amazing! So articulate! I would never have had the confidence to sit in front of a camera and address the world at that age. You are clearly a great parent ❤

My favorite rebuttal to the grammar argument… “Hey, someone lost their keys. Does anyone know who they are?”

Nonbinary panromantic autistic middle-aged white Jewish and disabled (hEDS) person here. I'm already a snowflake of identities, why would I claim something 'that doesn't exist '? I've known I wasn't a girl since age 7, it's just that I used to describe myself as 'half a boy and half a girl'. Then in 2007 I heard about Genderqueer / Nonbinary identities, and suddenly it all clicked! Oh, and by the way, for those who think nonbinary people don't experience dysphoria: you're quite mistaken. I've experienced gender dysphoria since before puberty, and still do today. Some nonbinary people only experience social gender dysphoria, or only gender euphoria when living their best nonbinary life. We're not a monolith, as autistic people aren't a monolith, as Jewish people aren't a monolith, as hEDS people aren't a monolith etc. I'm all that, it's real, and I'm just me. Also: trans rights are human rights - and those rights do not deprive you of you own rights either. 🌹🌹 Being all allies and loving each others, LGBTQIA+ and cis-straight, is much better for everyone 's life and gives us much more hope than hate and constant infighting. Have a good week my human siblings.

I appreciate the kindness and compassion you showed to the many people that have hurt you by not showing the comments. Your strength, love, and truth really shine through the shade that is thrown at you. Thanks for what you do!

Ella, stay strong! 💪 Those people don't matter in this context. You DO. We love you 😊

As a lesbian and austitic person I kind of don’t like gender labels, binary or non-binary. However, it is a matter of RESPECT. Just respect pronouns, respect people feelings. It is not hurtful, it is just hurtful for the person that is not being respected . The internet is so bad in that sense. It is like people have lost the sense of empathy.

Can't love this enough. Totally educated and happily so. Massive props to you both

The concept of 'nonbinary' is not a purely psychological phenomenon. It's fundamentally based in the sex stereotypes, roles and expectations typically associated with - or more accurately imposed onto - each sex in a given culture. That's what you're 'identifying' with, or not. It's not something innate within your brain. Given that fact, you can't compare it to somebody claiming to be gay or depressed, because being gay or depressed has no implications for anyone else. Claiming to be 'nonbinary' on the other hand is a claim not only about yourself, but about everyone else too - that we're all either 'binary' or 'nonbinary'. You're making a claim about the very nature of all human beings. The same applies to the concepts 'cis' and 'trans'. People are rightly rejecting that claim because it's literal sex stereotyping, ie. sexism. When you ask people to respect your pronouns, you *are* asking us to affirm that ideology, even though it violates our own rights. It has nothing to do with grammar or 'they' being singular or plural. It has to do with the ideological reasons for why you want us to refer to you as 'they/them'. Your comment that you're not asking us to change our beliefs, but just respect your preferences was disengenuous. Your *are* asking us to affirm your beliefs. You have that preference for a reason. Respect is a two way street. We can respect you by using your name, and you can respect our position by accepting that compromise. Everybody wins.

Hello 💜 🙌 Much love for you and Supergirl for doing this. Keep up the good content! Please put the Cintrapoints video in the description as I will like to check it out to learn more.

Love this! 🙌🏻 I don't think it's an angry video at all, it's direct and clear 🙏🏻 and your daughter is awesome! I'm fascinated by how little meta awareness a lot of (often neurotypical) cis people have. They simply assume that their experience is more natural or normal, just because it is (or appear to be) a majority experience. Many lack awareness of how cis centered western cultures are. But not all cultures center the cis gender experience the way western countries do, nor have we throughout history. I think of it as a lapse of meta awareness. But the behaviour that follow often end up being abusive. Prejudice comments and lack of support is enabling at best. The endless questioning is not curiosity, it is devaluation. Thanks again for the video. Sending lots of support, and happy to be a part of a community that validate you, as you see yourself ❤️

You are both so great! I'm really sorry that you have been dealing with this. Thank you for everything you do. Super Girl is so articulate!

People use they/them as singular all the time without thinking. "There's someone at the door/What do they want?" or "I went to see the doctor yesterday/What did they say?" Even if it feels awkward at first (especially if you've known a non-binary person for a long time before they came out, or if they present in a way that feels very masculine or feminine to you), it gets easier and, even if you slip up from time to time, the fact that your making the effort and not dismissing them offhand will mean so, so much. Great video, I hope you don't have to shut down the comments because of idiots, and Supergirl absolutely rocks!

I always love your videos Purple Ella, and good to see Supergirl there, too. Quite frankly, autism increases the likelihood of many different kinds of non-conformity, because: 1. Our non-conformity is actually authenticity. 2. Authenticity improves our resilience and reduces stress. 3. Stress management is a big factor in managing both autism and ADHD. People who think non-binary people are suffering a mental illness, and therefore should not be accepted or respected, are demonstrating a disturbing level of antagonism toward people who suffer mental illness in general. Given 50% of the population will suffer a mental illness at some point during their lifetime, and 20% of the population suffers from a mental illness in any given year, we really need stop the stigma. Stigma is hurting a lot of people who suffer from mental illness. Someone having a mental illness is not a good excuse for being nasty to them. They/them pronouns are an accommodation, just like some people need a wheelchair, or help with getting something down from a high shelf, or wearing coloured glasses, or needing frequest rest. As such, they/them pronouns assists with resilience and acceptance, which REDUCES incidence of mental illness.

Awesome video as always! I had a thought about how people feel grammar is changing; Every language changes all the time, new words added, some get removed/forgotten and words changes meaning. So even if in this case there wasn't really a change in the language, when there is a change it's exactly how it should be.

Some more info regarding the "they/them" as plural argument. I don't remember where I learned this, however, I recall learning that "he/she/her/him" were originally derived from "they/them" and are likely an acceptable neutral personal pronoun from the time that English used to have genders in the language (the way that French or German do)

I had a lot of trouble to wrap my head around using they/them as singular when referring to specific people. Many years later I discover I'm autistic AND non-binary.

Thank you for this video. As an AuDHD recently identified non-binary this was both helpful for my understanding of my identity and preparation against transphobia and those that don't understand.

your daughter reminds me of me at her age, shes absolutely great, and also you are a lovely mother, i can tell :)

🥺I just saw the vid about your daughter and was thinking "oh i wonder if this will spark introspection on their part on their gender identity" since you had expressed in that vid that you previously hadn't been educated on things like the difference between sex and gender. And then i see this video! It's so cute 💗 So happy for you both!/gen

Love and appreciate this video and the two of you so much. Getting a sample of Supergirl's fierce intelligence and unwavering commitment to social justice gives me hope for the future. Bravo!

Great video! I especially like how you both articulated the points about infighting within the community and with regards to "I'm autistic so grammar rules". SuperGirl is just epically smart, well researched and so so able to formulate her responses using logic and just...can I hire her as a union rep or something 😅

A wonderful combo of love and logic! Thank you both!

And here's the thing that people need to be mindful of. Since the 1960s, more women have gone to university and developed careers. So, it is horrendously misogynistic, and I used to get angry with nurse for this, if someone says, "I went to the doctor yesterday," to reply with, "And what did he say?" I nearly cracked it one day with this nurse, and said, "My doctor's a she." So, if you can use they if you're not sure if someone's doctor is male or female, you can use they/them if a person asks you to for their identity. My pronouns are they/them and I am transitioning and want to be they/she.

Great video idea as there's so much confusion around nonbinary people even within the trans community itself. And I just want to say you're a brilliant parent, I'm an autistic trans guy and I wish my mum had been as supportive as you are to your daughter and your other kids. It hurts to think about how I lost out on a happy, comfortable childhood because of ignorance (for both autism and transness), but it makes me happy to know that parents like you exist in the world :) tbh it feels like everything is going backwards in terms of progress of our rights, and not just trans rights, LGBT+ rights in general. Transphobia harms anyone who doesn't fit the gender and sexuality stereotypes, even cishet people who 'seem' to be a certain way to other people on the outside. All types of bigotry intertwine, and it seems to get recycled through history; I see a lot of talking points used against LGB people in the 80s now being used against the T, sometimes even by the LGBs! I've noticed quite a few transphobic people also being very ableist and acting as though autistic people can't know our own identity. But anyway people like you give me hope that we might be able to progress as a species and focus on things that actually matter like climate change and poverty rather than tearing eachother down.

Súper Girl is a STAR in video. She is sooooo articulate⭐⭐⭐

Supergirl for prime minister!

I kind of get your ideas. I am probably autistic (no diagnostic possibilities for adults where I live) and reading about these things I was considering that I too feel non-binary (in yound adulthood even went through a phase of thinking I am trans), bet then for me I decided it really is not an actual thing and I am just a biological female who does not confirm to gender stereotypes. I do not understand how one can feel like a woman or a man. I just feel human. At the same time - the biological reality is that I am genetically and visually (not clothes, but organs) a female, I was pregnant, gave birth, breastfed. And I would not know how being a gender non-confirming person is different from being non-binary, except probably feeling or not feeling the need to have different pronouns. I have no problems with other people feeling however they feel. I might have some trouble remembering how people want to be called, especially if they identify as gender fluid, but I would try. However for minors I would still try to convince them that you can just be the one who you are without trying to change your gender.

Great video, Ella and I'm sorry that you have been receiving abuse for your non-binary identity, it's not acceptible. Super Girl has answered all of the unjustified criticism perfectly. It's great that you have this support from her.

Superb! Supergirl reminds me so much of a very wonderful young person in my life. Please thank her for sharing her knowledge in this way - what an awesome kid! One more illustration of they/them/theirs as singular, that I often use: You’re among the last few people to leave the pub at the end of the night. On the way out you notice a coat left on the back of a chair. You say “oh, look, someone’s left their jacket behind”. Doesn’t sound weird, right?

I admire your openness! In general, I do not like it when people demand something in an angry way. (Imagine what it feels like when someone demands somthing from you in an angry way.😇) An appealing invitation is so much easier to answer to positively ❤ than an angry demand. I see things this way: Each person is King and ruler over their body, time, thoughts, way of expressing themselves (even when another person finds that insulting, sorry🙂) Autistic people, as myself, often insult other people unintendedly. Feeling insulted is rather immature, i.m.h.o. When people say things to you that trigger you, there often lies the key to revealing a chance of (spiritual) growth. What is the reason you give unkind people so much power to let their opinions/words change your feelings and thoughts. Love your self enough to not need ANYONES approval. You deserve that. It is your birthright. It is also your birthright to hold your own opinions, likes and dislikes. Anyones in fact... Leave the unkind ones aside and choose to spend your time with people Who DO like you as you are. Eckhart Tolle has an interesting talk about needing approval and the way to release yourself from it on youtube.) LOVE & PEACE ❤

I'm so glad I found this video. I came out as non-binary a year ago just after my dad passed away

I think it would be helpful to see a video of your husband's response.

Some people just love to make other people hurt. They will be hateful and when they know our triggers they will enjoy pushing our buttons. I am a sis-male (not sure if I said that right). I also have Bipolar in addition to ADHD, and Autistic Disorder. I'm also bisexual. The one thing I know about people is that there are people who look for ways to hurt a person and those people, fortunately, are not the majority. I am also disabled and had to "retire early" because of my disorders. People see me as a boring old white guy until they know me.

your daughter is such a strong kid!! she's gonna be a great woman

You and your daughter are both amazing.

🏳️‍⚧️♾️🏳️‍🌈💛 Well done Ella & Super Girl for confronting the transphobic comments and standing up for yourself and your identity. This past year I’ve learnt so much about both the gender and sexuality binaries, and at first I was really confused by the pronouns ‘they/them’, however that didn’t stop me from respecting those who identify as NB and/or use those pronouns. Let’s all try to be more inclusive and supportive of each other within both the Neurodivergent and Queer / LGBTQIA+ communities, rather than fight against those whose self-identities differ from our own identities and beliefs. After all…you can still be respectful of others without having to share their beliefs ☺️❤🌈💛

9:30 On this part, folks also fail to understand that if you went and sought medical help for the "mental illness" of bein nonbinary... The doctor wud give you that validation of your existence and encourage you to do literally all the things youre alrdy doin, even if you dont have dysphoria; even if ya dont want to medically transition and just want to socially transition. Heck, even if ya dont want to transition at all and wanna stay perceived as your assigned gender; the doctor wud still validate your nonbinary existence Its utter nonsense to act like doctors are goin around tellin nonbinary ppl we arent trans and diagnosing us with other shite... They validate our existence and encourage us to do what works for us when it comes to treatin it This is how doctors **treat every medical thing**. If a patient isnt complainin of problems related to smth, even if its usually seen as a problem to others goin thru the same; then the doc will encourage the patient to continue what is workin for them, while offerin any options if the patient wishes to try to change things there and get diff kind of treatment for it. Docs dont make a habit of insistin on fixin things about patients without them voicin an issue with it (unless the patient is a child and its parent led; or the patient is an intersex person, bcuz for some reason its perf fine to "fix" us without our consent or knowledge in the same way that they claim happens to trans kids "forced" to transition (which ofc, doesnt happen; unlike when it comes to intersex kids literally forced to transition from infancy))

Hey, I'm really sorry you had to face those nasty comments. I love your videos, and this one especially resonates. I wish you both the best, and I believe you. NB is real and some social norms could be thrown away for the best : the gender binary is one of them, I think. Can't see how it could ever be a positive thing ! Thank you again for all your really nice videos. Hearing you feels me with joy :) I hope we'll see/hear you both in another video some time :)

Thank you for this video! I know it must have been difficult, because I've seen some of those comments and they were really upsetting. But I love that you are so unapologetically you, it's so inspiring. And your daughter is incredibly brilliant and witty, I loved all her insights!

On they/them and its singular use bein older than singular you; they/them has been used as a gender neutral pronoun since the 13th century. Notably, she became a pronoun that referred to women specifically so as to combat ambiguity of gender where before only he had been used for every adult person regardless... At some pt in the 12th century, and it didnt entirely become the pronoun we know it as until the 15th century So in some respects, she as a pronoun is younger than singular they as a pronoun, and in other respects theyre nearly as old as each other These anti-singular they ppl shud also be anti-she ppl and insistin that everyone be called he still, in all walks of life. Which is just absurd

Hitherly, thou hast done a goodly deed. Prithy, movest thineself forward, keepest calm and carry on! ;)

Hi! I'm an asexual non binary woman, I didn't experience misgender due to my language (Filipino) has gender neutral third person pronoun, I still wear both gender neutral and feminine clothes

Sending you so much love and respect. To me you are open, honest, authentic, keep being you. The opinions of others, including mine, is their opinions, nothing more, nothing less. I'm thankful that I was brought up to accept others, as individual.Thankful for all you do and share. What an EPIC video. Much respect 💏

Huge thanks to the both of you, I've been facing non-binary struggles at the moment and the information and answers you've both given here are so helpful (both in terms of helping me to feel valid and also giving me information with which to stand up against other people's misconceptions). I really like your delivery, too - not patronising or aggressive, just factual and calm. It feels really comforting to have you there doing research so that it's not all on me to have all of the answers, that's really valuable 😊 It's also really nice to see a younger person being an absolute role model for all of us. Super Girl definitely has the right name! You're both awesome, keep being you 🥳

I guess perhaps some are confusing the agent provocateurs out there shouting and roaring their narcissistic entitlement to the world, who are hijacking and using the trans and gender identity cause to bully everyone and garner attention and validation for their behaviour, with genuine people such as yourself, discussing life and celebrating our differences with poise and respect. ❤

Really poor circular reasoning. Being gay is observable cross species with sexuality being a biological reality. Depression is measurable by many psychological metrics and even anatomically by increased neuroinflammation. These are things people can’t identify into, they just happen. Whilst non binary is a totally subjective label worn by choice based on your own perceptions of what it means to be a man or woman (which may be totally regressive or distorted due to unhelpful thoughts). They are as real as identifying as a goth - basically you are seeking validation as part of a subculture. However this subculture has latched onto the concept of gender identity (which is socially constructed) for legitimacy. Maybe ask yourself why you don’t feel like a woman? Is it based on your own internalised prejudices? Should we teach children that if they don’t conform with male and female stereotypes that they are somehow not their sex? No we shouldn’t. It doesn’t exist except in the minds of those who believe in it.

Nice video, and Super Girl's contribution was impressive :3 I think making a video about it was the right approach instead of replying to comments. Of course, many who are just bad faith actors will still be bad faith actors, but hopefully you could get through to some, while also supporting other nb folks who deal with similar stuff

THIS VIDEO IS SO BADASS!!!! I love the passion and execution of this video from you and your kiddo. AMAZING WORK Ella!!

I know I am going to be in a minority commenting on this, as I am someone genuinely trying to understand what is changing in society, or what is "coming out" in society. I respect everyone, and try to use correct pronouns, but catch myself because of what I hear or see in the person I am speaking to, or maybe I havent even been addressed by the person, and don't know their pronouns, and when I make an assumption because of what I see or what I hear, the person takes offense, and the conversation takes a very combative vibe when the person says "I'm a she", or "I use they / them", or "I am a he" - and it's not in a nice tone. Not every situation is like this, but it happens quite often I believe because the individual is frustrated at being misgendered, when that wasn't the person's intent. Can we just stop using he/her/his/hers altogether and only use they/them? Does that bother the queer community? There are also pronouns that didn't exist before - ze/hir/hirs, per/per/pers, and I wonder what your thought is with those? How is someone supposed to get those right , or feel natural using them when they didn't exist grammatically when most of us whet through school? Also is there a line that is crossed with identities ever, or is it something that is going to just keep growing, and what is causing it to grow? I know you made a point about it not being about feeling special, but isn't there a need to feel different in society amongst almost everyone? I appreciate the effort you have made here. Try not to lump all "conservatives" into a bucket that won't accept or love people. It's not the case. Lumping groups of people into labels is a huge problem in society, and it only incites more division, and an automatic combative conversation when labels are thrown around. Thanks for the video!

Love, love, love ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ and thank you both from the bottom of my heart ❤

Good for you Ella!! So nice to see your daughter supporting you.

Tho I’m not particularly open or up front about it, and technically allow people to constantly misgender me because I don’t want to deal with the massive social repercussions of being honest-I’m very much nonbinary, I’ve felt that way since I was a small child and it’s been so confusing! I don’t want to transition, but that’s only because I’m pretty happy with my body, my physicality fits my internal feelings very well with the possible exception of my boobs (which are thankfully extremely small so I just use binders which work fine). I’m technically female, and I used to wonder if I wanted to be a guy… but I don’t. I want some male parts, sure, but I don’t want facial hair, or to be so bulky I’d be confused for a pure man, or to lose my existing female junk, etc. in short, I want to be something that’s right in the middle of male and female, and thankfully my build allows me to look that way naturally to a large degree. If it weren’t for my voice I’d be regularly mistaken for a man, and without my boobs I’d even be mistaken for a guy nearly naked a majority of the time since I’m so slim, devoid of curves and cut from working hard labor. However, all that said… there is a certain kind of entitlement and self centeredness associated with queer and trans people, especially non-binary people on social media, so speaking for myself I make a strong effort to avoid being one of those narcissistic non-binary “Karen’s” for lack of a better word. If you genuinely care about the community and not just yourself, optics really do matter.

Some of the commenters here have driven me into 'reply' mode, which I don't love, but the video itself was great. Well done on raising such an articulate daughter, too!

I love the dungarees+turtleneck+plaid shirt ❤ 1. NB does exist... my oldest was NB before they had a word for it or knew that it was a thing. 2. Marginalised identity clearly brings its own shit, nobody who has one would choose it. It's crap. 3. Gender has a bunch of facets, and there is overlap in trans vs NB, but they're kinda different axes... I know NB trans ppl... yeah both. 4. They them is because he/she just don't feel right. My kid didn't care she/he until they discovered they/them, which they suddenly realised fit so well. 5. Oh fuck off! Some ppl are so shit. What a thing to say! 6. Nah, I grew up with they them meaning general folk whose gender you don't know. Arse. Eg: how much did the baker charge? Oh, they gave me it for 20p! You are plural! I love thee... I mean "thee". Well done. Good rant :) RESPECT! 💛🤍💜🖤

Thank you for the "they/them' clarification! Plus me being a Shakespearean allows this to make more since to me because I need relatable context to allow things to seep into my brain. I want to know if what I did in the past was bad; I refused to say :"they" because in was in a individualism phase after reading Anthem. Another thing; I replied a long time ago about dissociation and wanted to update you that I did get diagnosed with that spectrum of disorders and disassociation identity disorder. Thanks for making that video it helped me figure out how to get help.

I noticed on your coming out video that you turned off the comments which was super sad. It sucks that people can be so horrible and I am so sorry Ella. No one deserves this and this should be a safe space for everyone

I am so sad to hear that you have had so many bad comments from people. So weird that people are disrespectful! You are perfect as you are and it is great that you can be open about who you are. I wish you all the best! Your daughter is also awesome and very wise.

Your daughter is so intelligent and articulate

Ella I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I think you're amazing,brave and wonderful and your content has really helped me to understand myself. and your daughter, Supergirl is just awesome. I too love the 'thee and thou' examples ❤❤

I'm so sorry that you've experienced so much hate! You and your daughter are wonderful and deserve so much love and support 💖 I've found a huge link for myself in discovering I'm non-binary and discovering I'm autistic. Another point I like to look at is the fact that intersex people exist too and have existed long before these arguments. Even biologically, gender is not binary, I forget the stats but you'd be shocked to find how common it is to be born intersex. Unfortunately due to colonialism and other stuff, society has worked really hard to erase intersex, 2-spirit and non-binary people. It's similar with indigenous people like my family; modern society would rather erase us than adapt to our needs or deal with the horrible ways they've treated us.

This was honestly a lovely video, and I was just being "verbally ironic" in the other comment... I hope it's not seen as negative. I *really* have a hard time understanding why people comment negatively on stuff that really has *nothing* to do with them, but I also have a really hard time just ignoring it. It usually doesn't help to respond, but sometimes you'll get someone going, "oops, I didn't understand."

4:18 damn, im straight and that hurts. just by trying to put myself in ur shoes i would get really sad and offended. i hope ur doing good and ur pushing past these hateful ppl :D

Wow. Earthlings are strange: they act out of impulse and emotion rather than pure logic. Yet, I’m old and don’t quite follow the whole pronoun thing anyway. If I called you “her” there would be no insult in my best understanding! Nor would it be any comment at all on your self view or preferences. But, I’ve always had a lot of trouble understanding what people meant or were thinking. Took years to understand them - that us others - as not thinking the same way I did… Y’all are fun together and your videos are very helpful.

Such an intelligent kid! 😍 (It's just sad how narrow minded some people are.)

Amazing parent and amazing young person. Super Girl's answer to point 3 was everything...the essence of why all marginalised peoples need to push against conservatism...what a great video...thank you!

ND/NB/Future Psychologist in solidarity ✊

Language is constantly changing and evolving, so rigid ideas about its uses are silly. It wasn't until the 19th century that Grammar was really developed into a standardized system, yet we act like it has laws that are unbreakable. In reality, the nature of language is very fluid. A lot of Autistics find comfort in rules & structure, so I understand why we cling to these language 'rules' that we were taught in school. We all need to step back and realize that these 'rules' aren't as black & white as we think. Learning about how English came into existence & developed into the language we speak today really opened my eyes and curbed my grammar correcting nature. Grammar rules are a made-up construct, just like gender. They/them is perfectly valid

So amazingly well-spoken! Go you and go Super Girl! 💚

Supergirl, crushing it with incredible powers of logic!! fwiw, Ella, you come across very much as authentic to me. You always feel genuine when I watch you and I think that's why I like watching your videos. I've had a lot of questions about my selfhood, and so I draw comfort from seeing and hearing you work out your own identity. I am also over forty, so I also relate to a growing understanding late in life.

>Going to give my counters as I watch the video because that's easier for me. >Going to put everything in one comment to make it easier to find (unless I get booted out of the video and I can't find this comment). >Going to try to be polite. >The post comment button is too close to the speech-to-text button. @3:01-.-I find two problems with this argument: 1). Mental illnesses and sexual orientations are testable under the scientific method. In fact, during Johnny Depp's trial his ex-wife (Don't care enough about the details to remember her name or look it up, My point should be made fine) was actually caught trying to fake PTSD by a test design to catch those faking it, but diagnosed those who truly have. To use your examples specifically, sense depression is just having a abnormally high level of sadness for an abnormally long period of time, and sadness as an emotion has distinct, measurable biological and behavioral effects, it should be possible to distinguish people who truly have depression and people faking it. The same should go for homosexuality, but for what triggers their sexual arousal instead. Additionally, they can all be found in animals, further showing how they could be tested for scientifically. I'm pretty sure non-binaryness has been able to be tested scientifically. Surely you would argue there is a way to differentiate between people with autism and people faking having autism? 2). By this logic, we would also have to accept the "experiences"of pulled talking to aliens or God telepathically, and that otherkin and multi-systems are real things one can be. I do not believe either. @4:58-.-My following criticism probably won't apply it to you to, but it's still worth mentioning for why people would not accept non-binary identities in general. Without getting to political, while being marginalized may or may not be bad in general mainstream culture, different subcultures and communities will have different social norms, and will put people in a hierarchy by different criteria. There would appear to be many subcultures and communities (especially on the internet) that places people higher on a hierarchy based off of how oppressed/marginalized they are, and so there would be motivation to claim an identity that is considered "oppressed/marginalized" by that subculture/community. Again, I don't want to get too political out of politeness, but many people (including myself) what question these subcultures/communities standards for determining what is and isn't oppression/marginalization, and/or their standard of evidence for determining such matters. @6:26-.-I feel like this is straw man slightly. I think most transsaxuals who argue this likely think the same way about the non-binary movement as I imagine people with the dissociative personality disorder feel about multi-systems: they view the movement as being based off of, and thus perpetuating misconceptions of their mental disorder, and thus view them as a danger. As such, transsaxuals don't view non-binaries as part of the same group, but as a separate group. @6:54-.-I feel like you're not giving enough credit to conservatives, well the most radical/extreme conservatives probably will never truly accept transgenderism, most moderate conservatives will probably at least except the existence of gender dysphoria, since it is scientifically verifiable. However, these transsaxuals likely believe that there is no scientific validity to non-binary identities, and so they view lumping non-binaries in with them could be contributing towards the perception that gender dysphoria is "not a real thing". Keep in mind that there are conservative trans people, and I don't believe they identify as conservatives because of "internalized transphobia" or because they have some other form of bigotry. Conservatism is not solely defined by bigotry, I would say they're more defined by risk aversion (except for an economics, because the left/right political spectrum is nonsensical) and a bias for tradition. @8:08-.-I feel like giving you to some credit here, as I do think using proper pronouns is just polite. Well I don't think misgendering and/or using the wrong pronouns is a human rights violation (unless one has gender dysphoria), and so don't think it should be made illegal, I also don't really see any utility in being rude, unless one wants to count indulging sadism. @9:20-.-I'm pretty sure most conspiracy theorists are trying to get the water public to accept their conspiracies so this really isn't a good comparison. The above time stamp somewhat leads into a counter for previous point, so I'll put the timestamp for that point beneath here: @9:08-.-I imagine the same reason it would be validating to have personality traits verified by your star sign, or to have your Myers-Brigg personality confirmed, or for people to validate your Hogwarts house placement. People like to feel like they understand themselves on a deep level, and so they like finding ways to categorize themselves, and they like it when beliefs about themselves are reinforced. @11:20-.-I also agree with this point. Even outside of non-binaries, having the ability to not specify gender is just useful, and they/them works good enough for that.

Tons of love to you, dear Ella, and to your brilliant daughter ❤️ from Toronto, Canada

Fabulous and brilliant both of you! xo

Great collab. Super girl is precious! Inside and out.

More people need to see this!! Thank you Ella and Supergirl for making this :)

You two are so beautiful 😍😍😍😍

Love love love this!!! It helped me so much I was diagnosed with autism shortly after I started exploring my gender identity and it’s been hard. You and your daughter are a gift

Super girl really is super. So smart and so articulate. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us! Also the colour of your eyeshadow is magic. And I'm so glad that the they/them as only plural is wrong. English is not my native language and so this had my autistic me worried now that I might have had it wrong. Glad I didn't because I find it such a neat feature of the English language.

I wish I could go back in time and yell at my 9th grade English teacher. He was such a stickler with the whole "they/them is plural only" nonsense, and tbh it kinda messed with my head for years but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. Back then, I knew I had both masculine as well as feminine traits, and yet I never felt like I belonged to either gender, but there were no words for it in the late 1980s. Tomboy felt inaccurate and kinda cringe tbh, and Butch wasn't really me either. Yes, I'm gender non-conforming, but I really don't like using that term for myself. I first heard the terms genderqueer in the mid 2000s, non-binary in the early 2010s, and agender in the late 2010s, and realized that finally there were words to describe myself that I felt like I could identify with and embrace. Anyway, back to my English teacher going on and on in class about they/them = plural and he/she/it = singular. What on Earth was his problem? 🤷 Maybe he didn't pay attention during his Shakespeare classes when he was in university? 🤦

Get therapy..

In my language they was never singular. Also the verbs and adjectives change for singular, plural, masculine, feminine and neutral. So it is really hard to use they/them. But I am still trying, showing my respect to person. Also, I identify as demigirl and use she pronoun yet.

But why talk about it if you know it causes arguments? When it comes lgbtq alot of people constantly talk about it. If you put a song on that you don't like and put it on repeat eventually you'll get tired of hearing it. Why can't people just live their lives and quit broadcasting it?

I have two thoughts: The first is that many non-binary people ARE transgender, so the thought that being non-binary somehow invalidates transgender people is always insulting to me when I hear it used as a criticism. I am non-binary, and I am also medically transitioning. I identify as both non-binary with they/them pronouns, but also transgender. My existence doesn't invalidate binary trans people, nor non-binary people who don't identify as trans. Second, non-binary people have existed throughout history. In North American indigenous communities, most tribes have their own words for someone who is outside of the binary and those people were, and often still are, viewed as spiritually significant and can be given important tribal roles as teachers or healers. It is the same in Native Hawaiian and Tahitian culture with Māhū, and several other indigenous communities and languages. It was only post-Colonialism that these people were viewed differently or hidden as colonial missionaries preached about the evils of such things, likening non-binary and other queer identities to "evil" Biblical figures like Sodom and Gomorrah. Anyone who says that we don't exist or are a "recent, made up thing" are at best woefully ignorant of history, and at worst openly bigoted. Also Supergirl is spot on with asking why anyone would want to say they are non-binary for social clout when in reality you receive hate for it. I have struggled so much with being non-binary because not only do I receive hate from binary cisgender people, but from many binary transgender people as well. Why would I openly say that I am in fact non-binary if it weren't true? I'm certainly not getting social status or monetary gain from it!

On the lying to nonbinary people argument and refusing to use their pronouns, a stronger argument is that it is difficult to definitively argue that not feeling like you belong to one of the two gender options available is a disorder. Man and Woman are two separate fuzzy sets that have strong societal implications. If it is deemed that feeling like you do not identify with the gender that is commonly associated with your sex is problematic to society or the person in question, there would be grounds to argue that it is an illness. I don't think we're at a point where we can definitively argue one over the other. Even if it was deemed an illness, refusing to support someone's gender identity may just exacerbate the "problem". In English, its they/them isn't really problematic though the fact that it adds confusion and removes detail would be fair if he/she related specifically to someone's sex. If that is the case, asking people refer to yourself as they/them removes information that would otherwise have been there. I think a good counter argument is that sex is almost never relevant in normal conversation so requesting that information is unreasonable. Another argument is that he/she relate more closely to the gender identities man/woman as opposed to what is biologically going on (or even a combination of the two). If this is the case asking people to use your correct gender pronounce as you identify is asking them to use proper gramma. Using your sex as your gender identity in this case is misinformation, rendering the argument useless. It makes more sense in language that pronouns refer to identity as opposed to biology. In English we are lucky and have options for non-binary pronouns baked in. Not ever language is so lucky. The English speaking non-binary community is asking for much less that would need to be asked for in languages that use gender as core constructs for their gramma. I hope your are able to search in yourself and become confident in your gender identity. All the best.

Nice video. Non binary is all new to me. I met my friends child not long ago who is non binary and at first I was very confused. I didn’t know they identify as non binary at this point. The mum kept saying “oh they” or “them”. I knew this child from really young and I had to ask who they and them are. I believe to be ADHD and Autistic. I apologised straight away and tried to change my pronouns for them. I slipped a few time but I think they appreciated the effort. Like you said, it’s all about respect. It doesn’t change you as you. You seem a lovely person and sure we would get on great in person. Naive question, when filling out medical things I assume they have a born as question as the bodies can differ on diagnosis? Also which toilet do you use? Men’s is always shorter lol I personally wish they did shared toilets to cut the queue if anything lol

I like debates by Vaush on gender and trans identities! I don't know if you'll agree with him totally, but he's helped me reply to transphobes in my everyday life.

I'm also nb/agender. Sorry you've had such a hard time of it these past two years and hope things get better for you. That said: 11:27 "Have you seen Clare today?" / "No. I don't know where they are." / "I wonder how they're doing." Okay, cute, but not a great example - in fact, it's a pretty bad one. If _you_ already know Clare's gender, you would normally use Clare's preferred pronoun when referencing them, who in this case I'm assuming is non-binary since you used "they." A better example is: "Hey, someone ran on by, did you see which way _they_ went?" "What did _they_ look like?" "I don't know, I didn't get a good look at _them."_ This demonstrates a classic use of they and them in the singular without inferring gender or sex in anyway. "You" comes from thou as the _th_ in thou was usually written as Þ which would often be replaced with y as it looked "close enough." 🤷 That's why when you see _ye_ olde tavern, it's actually properly pronounced _the_ olde tavern. 💁