“A warped experience of reality is significantly more dysregulating than a true experience of reality that is painful. Painful truths are still regulating for our systems, because we’re responding to what’s actually happening.” So true. Nothing is more dysregulating than cognitive dissonance. And giving up wanting something to happen that will never happen, is strangely freeing.

Heidi - where have you hidden the cameras & microphones all these years? I swear, virtually every one of your videos is speaking directly to me, and accurately call out all of the issues and challenges I must face or work on. It’s eerily spot on. As always, THANK YOU, and please keep up the amazing work! XOXO

I am insanely controlling over my own "personal growth" I overthink every aspect of how I feel, what I've done and what I could have said or done better in any situation. This is my way of avoiding blame and difficult emotions. This was the cardinal coping strategy I used in my family environment. I've started to recognize these obsessive self-help binges as markers that I'm anxious or triggered and that I'm avoiding something difficult, but in some ways, very simple.

My version of this was finally realizing that how people treat me is not my responsibility. Because I have the “I am bad” core wound, for a long time, when people treated me badly I assumed it was my fault. Right-sizing responsibility looks like personal accountability not accepting blame. It didn’t make people’s bad behavior hurt any less, but I stopped adding to the pain.

You are the absolute best at delivering clear, concise and engaging content. You've helped me so so much. Thankyou from me and all my inner children.

My default state seems to be that I have no idea who ought to be responsible for what. Therefore, if other people don't want to take responsibility for something, I just decide whether I anyone should be responsible for it and if so take responsibility myself; and furthermore it is opaque to me whether I am under-taking responsibility in some other areas.

Everything in this video is so fucking real for a Fearful Avoidant like me. I also want to add - if you were parentified in any way as a child, willingly (*stepped up to the plate because caregivers were overwhelmed and you wanted to help; caveating no child is capable of understanding what this truly entails) or unwillingly, there's a chance you are inclined to feel over-responsible for everything. Especially if that parentification holds other significant trauma. I had a hugely toxic relationship with victims in the Karpman's drama triangle because I was the sole "adult" in my household with five grown-ass family members. Because I was the golden child to my personality-disordered, extremely volatile grandmother, the whole family relied on me to placate, soothe, and mediate any interactions with her. Like, her own husband and brother and child didn't know what to do with her. She became my emotional ward by the time I was eleven. I can still remember the time she threw a slew of dishes at the wall at my mother, who quaked and sent me - the twelve year old! - to her room in order to calm her down. Any failure to calm her down would escalate to violence on me, while any success would bring me so much positive reinforcement from my family that it would incline me to do it again. So it's like I was groomed for the Rescuer role. As I grew up, I saw my role in the world as the one who is *meant* to be regulated, responsive, and responsible for the person who is out of control. I got into so many fucked up relationships with victims by trying to rescue them because it's what I knew. Any time where my relationships felt shaky, the only way I could feel any semblance of safety was to fill in where the other person lacked. Uncertainty and ambiguity literally felt like the prelude to violence. I didn't give space for people to own up to their responsibilities because my brain perceived so much danger that there was no time to sit with reality. It wasn't just the fact that I thought other people "aren't capable of being responsible", but that there was DEMONSTRABLE evidence that I would be harmed otherwise. So I'm starting on this long journey of self-compassion and forgiveness and release from shame, while also trying to undo this bone-deep wiring I've carried for years.

I turned on my computer and just felt like Priebe would have something new. And looky here, 1 hour old. I have attuned

Yesss, hyperindependence is also really common among those of us with chronic illness or dynamic disabilities!!

Another banger, right on time. 7:05 “When we take too much responsibility, we lose our connection to reality and we obscure other people’s connection to reality by being dishonest with them about what’s going on for us.” 😮 “We get stuck in repetitive loops of thinking or feeling or experiencing the same things over and over and over again, because we’re not accounting for all of the variables that are at play in our environment that are outside of our control. And because we aren’t factoring those things in and staying aware of them and attuned to them, we’re not able to make wise and integrated decisions about how to interact with our lives.”

I feel ashamed of experiencing the vulnerability of accepting that I do not have control over how reality(people) responds to me I feel ashamed of experiencing the vulnerability of accepting that I Cannot control reality but that I am powerless and can only sent intent (not control)

I over-take to fill in potential gaps instead of seeing how the person actually is and finding someone else if needed. I have a scarcity issue and try to make it work with what I’ve got instead of looking for something better.

What I’m thinking as I watch this video: responsibility as dissociation. Maybe not the most obvious connection, but I’ve been thinking a lot recently about dissociation in its different forms, and I see it here. This idea that we have agency over everything, that we can control x by doing y-that all obfuscates the much more difficult to accept reality that we don’t have agency over everything, and that we can’t always control things. Action taken without that acknowledgement (or knowledge) is actually blindness, and life has a way of making us see things. I’m a gay man. So a man but with a very different perspective on what it means to be one. I think a lot of this is gendered too. Men who buy into a certain narrative about who they are cannot accept that the world might be other than what they will it to be. It’s taken a long time, but I’ve come to a place where I’ve found compassion for them. Life shows them what they refuse to look at too. Thank you, Heidi, for showing up as you do.

Heidi please make a video on hyperindependence as a trauma response 🥺

Guilty of Taking too much responsibility. Ugh. It’s been a long and painful realization to come to this truth about myself. The key to healing it is setting appropriate boundaries - which for me was learning how to assertively speak my truth and tell the person how their not taking responsibility for themselves was affecting me and the health of the relationship. It was scary because I think I knew in my gut that the person never truly cared or saw me at all. They chose to remain in denial and blame. I left the relationship. 😢. It’s painful but I know it’s the path to healing and growth.

i literally JUST suffered the consequences of not knowing how to do this. really made me come to terms with my neurodiversity. it DOES make my life different and it means i need to tackle my problems with different strategies as opposed to powering my way through everything. it does NOT mean i am doomed and i can’t survive in this world. i just have to adjust my approach is all.

I had to take the blame for everything growing up as my mom was triggered by rejection of any kind, and I was the only child, the only person she had power over. I got a little nervous when you talked about how not telling people how they’re affecting you is a disservice to them, because I recently set some boundaries to stay away from a few people in my life who had thrown my feelings back in my face when I tried to be vulnerable. But I hear you saying “why would you stay in relation with someone like that” and I think I’ve done the right thing boundary-setting, because I can bring up my feelings to people I can trust. I have a message in my head that I shouldn’t be running away, which often makes me question boundaries I feel I need. I definitely identify with trying to solve things for myself all the time, as my mom and partners always pathologized all my feelings and couldn’t tolerate my dysregulation. It was also like I owed it to them to let them “fix” me so they could be needed, even if their fix made things worse. So I had to pick up the slack and fix it myself and then let them think they helped. I’m trying to learn I’m lovable even when I’m not okay, and that I’m not going to get to a point where I don’t have struggles. It’s hard when I’m frequently dysregulated and my feelings seem so huge because I’m healing through abuse.

This series on self-esteem is very eye-opening and empathetic. Thank you Heidi for preparing all these videos and sharing them with us. You are helping to not just gain clarity but also figure out the practical, doable, and loving steps that we can take to get better. This is especially important for those of us who procrastinate due to perfectionism, which again is a consequence of taking too much responsibility for every single thing in our lives. Thank you so much! I can't appreciate you enough. ❤

I was just talking out loud to myself and saying that over ownership in my relationship kept me feeling empowered and in-control. It kept the sense of safety. Next minute I open KZfaq and I see your video: over taking responsibility!! What!!! 😂 This just tells me that no one’s experience is unique. Whatever we’re going through probably thousands have gone through before, if not millions, and that we’re not alone! We are similar enough as well as unique! Thank you Heidi!❤

Would you consider doing an episode on vulnerability avoidance for those who fear showing weakness because of our insecure attachments?

Yes. Fear of abandonment is at the core for this over-taking responsibility in all RL. It's such a wonderful video. So amazing.

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is allowing others to fail.

Well that's something hard to overcome, I've been always alone and for myself my whole life. I'm 23 now and still trying all alone. I always pushed myself and said "if im not gonna do it, who will" and I also don't trust people, don't want anything from them so they can't ask for anything. It's tiring and stressful but I don't know how to stop, more importantly, should I even stop?

It's really interesting, I see some spaces in my life where I visibly undertake responsibility, and other where I completely overtake. My brain would prefer this to be more straightforward 😅

Man, you really Snatched me by my edges with this one Heidi😂 thank you! My last relationship ended because i got tired of over taking responsibility. I was love bombed and thought the emotionally mature person they were in the beginning was the real them! Then when avoidant deactivation kicked in, i was able to see the real level of emotional maturity. But i avoided it! I refused to see it! Until i became so stressed thats when we started having truthful conversations. It was scary. But now i see by over taking responsibility, i was denying her the opportunity to live in reality. I ended it still, she did not have adequate relational skills.....and with my codependency, NEITHER DID I! Im now taking responsibility through going to CoDA, setting boundaries, healing my emotional dysregulation caused by PTSD. Shes blocked completely because some of her actions were akin to narcissistic abuse! That is how I am enforcing boundaries and ensuring consequences. I am no longer taking responsibility for another's actions! I am done trying to be a savior, trying to play God. I am s human and that is special and powerful enough. I am freee. Joyous and free! Thank you for all you do Heidi. Thank you for this information that is changing lives

I literally download all of your videos and binge listen while driving or at night when I'm camping! 😊

I love the idea of sitting with pain when it's authentically present. I also think there is a certain amount of pain that is born out of a missalignment with reality. I would appreciate even a one liner about finding the beliefs that are causing more pain than necessary and working to correct them. Then we will be left to sit with clean pain - the necessary aspect of reality. Thanks for the education on over-taking responsibility. I found it personally helpful.

You always prompt questions that address the underlying issues. Why am I actually in this relationship if there is this imbalance? I love that you motivate for this level of self honesy and self awareness.

If the key to resolving this is thru having deep connections, and establishing and maintaining deep connections is one of my greatest struggles, this leaves me with little hope

„If you’re someone who overtakes it, you’re probably attracting a lot of people who undertake it.“ Explains how my ex wife could always letting me feel guilty and responsible for her cheating, yelling and shaming me neglecting our relationship. Thank you, Heidi!

It was kind of eery watching this video - I realized a number of these things about myself for the first time just a few weeks ago! Right down to having some of the same phrases pass through my mind! I swear Heidi, you're telepathic.

While soul searching after a recent breakup I can see how i took too much responsibility for my partners feelings and actions and how my decision to shield them from their own mistakes just to preserve the relationship robbed us both of a path to healthy healing. …but I’m now left with a huge feeling of irony. I feel responsible for over taking responsiblity.

Heidi, you always do this to me. Watching these videos is like getting gut punched, but instead of pain, you feel clarity, relief, and dare I say...love?

Posted an insta story this morning saying "Heidi Priebe never misses" and this upload coming out a few hours later serves as confirmation

Ughhh this comes timely! As I am trying to understand what is happening and always trying to fix it myself. The part where you said “Why I am not seeking relationships where people are equally invested” 😣 so eye opening to hear all this and realize I am always doing this. Thank you Heidi! I am still healing and all your videos always have something for me. You have played a big role in my healing journey ❤.

Self-responsibility: because adulting is hard, but someone's gotta do it

Seriously, how TF do you always drop videos perfectly when I need them? (Or maybe I just need all of your vids!)

The timeliness of this video in my life and per the state of my relationship right now is uncanny. 😢 I needed this. Thanks, Heidi.❤

There's been a few times in life where i had to live in uncomfortable or dangerous households. It primed me to always be on guard because i never want to live those ways again

Wow. This concept perfectly describes a significant betrayal I’ve experienced recently with my sister. Almost eerily so… I feel very validated as instead of rushing in to take responsibility (when the betrayal was on her end) as I would have previously, I’ve left the opportunity with her to finally take responsibility for her actions. We have not spoken in over two months. It saddens me to think she might be one of the people you described that are not willing to grow or change and maybe that means our relationship distancing. Thank you for this Heidi! Very grateful your channel popped into my feed.

Keep serving us Heidi. You were really born for this. Thank you❤

This video of Heidi’s has had the most impact on me. Wow. I have to watch it again, just to take it all in. I am a person who is always thinking “How can I be useful or helpful?” That’s the first thing I think so much of the time. And I give myself a lot of compliments for being a person like that. But there is something unhealthy about it, too. It’s avoiding the uncomfortable situation I’m in, letting it land that the situation is in need of help often because other people don’t care, about the situation or even the fact that I’m helping the situation. Which is devastating. I think at least half the time I’m avoiding the lack of connection I have to the other person, in a fundamental way. In a painful, hard to accept way. Ugh. Ugh. This one really landed with a bullet to the heart. I guess I mean that in a good way. Ha. Anyway, thanks for all you do. You’re an incredible communicator. ❤

Every one of your videos is a gift Heidi! Thank you! I love what you say here about sitting with the problem. I’ve become aware through my mindfulness practice and other events in my life that my default solutions of running away from every strong feeling has been such a protective mechanism that it has warped all strong negative feelings into impassible mountains. I no longer actually know what are real problems and what are just trauma to lovingly care myself through till it melts. And I think underlying this and a lot of what you have been getting at is this unconscious deeply held belief that I can’t be one of “those people”. By “those people” I mean those people I unconsciously judge as going through terrible relationship troubles and making all the crazy wrong decisions and doing things parts of me judge as “crazy” or “wrong” etc. I don’t consciously judge these people but I can see I unconsciously do I think. I can’t be that, so my FA mind has decided the solutions instead has been to run or just not have any relationships, or try to be perfect before getting into the mess, because I’m ashamed of the messy self labeled broken me that is going to inevitably show up in them. I don’t have compassion for that version of myself. And that’s an incredibly hard thing I find to grow. I also think I have a belief that I'm only worthy of being loved either by myself or others if I'm "healthy". As if unhealthy experiences couldn't have potentially extremely important lessons for myself.

i turn off my ad blockers for heidi priebe videos

Thank you, Heidi. I'm definitely going to have to watch this video again, as I did with many of your videos, at another stage of healing, to connect to the message more fully. I would be curious to hear your take on the difference between pity and compassion - both for self and others. I feel it ties into the anxious-avoidant dynamic. For example: I tend to find people who seem to have it all together and seek their compassion but what they end up giving me, instead, is pity (because they tend to not be connected with their own vulnerabilities and cannot feel compassion). That again reinforces my shame - I am alone in this. The difference between pity and compassion being - the latter connects, the former isolates.

Thank you, Heidi. I appreciate the concept of 'living with a question'. It's okay taking time to explore our feelings. 🙂

I have been wracking my brain about this issue I have for so long now, this video is exactly what I needed. The way you make things so easy to understand and validating at the same time is wonderful, you're my favourite mental health education channel!

I can’t believe how good this is. You blow me away every video. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

Thank you, I've watched this video so many times to really let it sink in and take notice of it when it's happening in my life.

As a fellow 8, I saw this title and immediately knew this video was coming for me. And then I needed to watch because I needed to hold myself accountable to confronting my issue 😂

Looks at new heidie preib video. Watches it. Once again feels seen when so many in my life struggle to even imagine the hardship. * inhales * THATS WHY SHE'S THE GOAT. THE GOATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Your videos are always amazing and the recent set is helping me so much moving through a period of healing, thank you Heidi!

Hey heidi… i just wanna say that i love you ❤

THANK YOU HEIDIIIIII KEEP POSTINGGGGG you are always educating!!!

“… where the thing that we avoided the most, which is sharing the messy and raw and uncertain parts of ourselves, is the thing that HAS to happen in order for us to get into the right relationship with responsibility and with reality.” Oh my god. Shivers, Heidi. This is exactly what I have done in the process of healing from my past trauma of excessive shame and hiding those raw parts of me. It’s unreal how you are able to articulate such profound and wholesome insights that are so applicable in the lives of so many. Grateful for your work and the courage it must require to speak such truths!

Wow 🤩 this video series over the last month has been truly amazing! Thank you Heidi 😊

Omg the timing!!! Had a conversation with my sister about this today, repairing after a conflict where I was overtaking responability.

This woman doesn’t miss

Heidi, you are brilliant at articulating your insights & wisdom. Appreciating you very much. Love & Blessings ❤

This one is pretty challenging for me! Would love to hear more examples about "problems" and how you can solve them in a healthy way interpersonally vs. on your own

My dad had a stroke just a couple weeks ago and I've been taking on a lot more than what I can do....I'm burnt out, and I feel horrible asking for some time off. Seeing this video is a huge eye opener. I need to fill my cup before I take on more responsibility. Thank you for these videos they definitely make me feel like I'm not alone! 💕

The closing thought reminded me of the serenity prayer. Except instead of serenity you can sub in humility for a more specific prayer! Thank you for the vid!

Thank you, Heidi! ❤

Yes! practise humility, recognize being dependent on others, embrace your vulnerability and stay pace with it, it is the way

We love and appreciate you, Heidi!

I really like the creative choices of your editor these days. It’s really great. I relate strongly with their style and choices in a similar but distinct way from how I relate to each of you two.

Omg I’m both, under and over. Honestly your videos speak to me so much ❤ thank you

Thank you so much, heidi, I find your info more and more helpful as I progress through your videos, and this one is so profound for me, I have never gotten such clarity for this insane (fading) habit of mine!

Crazy perfect timing

Another brilliant video. Thank you.

5:40 you ended me fr. this is one of the most gruesome lessons that I had to learn last year and only this year was I able to let go of control and responsiblity. It was painful to see how many of my friendships ended after I stopped putting in effort, mainly, because they weren't even good friendships. I had a big fight with one of my friends for the first few months of this year because I felt I was overextending myself in the friendship. It is truly truly something I needed, crazy that you post this now when I recently just subscribed to you.

Can’t wait for the “undertaking responsibility” video ❤

I would love to see more content on dealing with the pain and relational issues of coming out of an insecure attachment style and also maintaining a sense of self-love from day to day and in the long run. These videos are so meaningful to me.

❤❤ yes! So many videos to catch up on! Thank you for dropping knowledge

Oh girl. I have been doing this all my life amen. ❤❤❤ with considerable beating myself up for things not going the way I wanted too. Dang woman

Thanks Heidi, my therapist has told me I don't need her anymore now that I have been overdosing on your videos (with a side of trauma audiobook or two a day). This video is very close to my heart, because I just did this it the most spectacular way and broke my mind. Enter dark night of the soul 😂

Thank you Heidi! I’ve watched a number of your videos stumbling on KZfaq this week and so fortunate to have found your work. I can’t wait to hear about humility next! You totally get me as a fearful avoidant who has a separated relationship. I am so fearful of losing again but as you say I am fearful of actually having an equal partnership and losing control in the relationship. It’s not like I had control anyway just the illusion of control. I find every word quite thoughtful. I wish I knew about attachment theory years ago and not only Al-anon 12 step work. God bless you! ❤

So many new videos. So much work to do. 🧐 New plan. Start at the beginning, take notes, then summarize notes.

❤ wow Heidi… thank you so much. Have you considered putting your content on spotify?

ugh, yes, I overtook responsibility for the longest time. Ok, I still do it. I just dont trust, almost, everyone. I do have some new friends that Ive met fairly recently that, so far, do not seem to be so broken that they need someone to take care of them. Very new for me. Its a bit scary but I still hope that one or more of these people might turn out to be a good friend.

Absolutely spot on. Your videos really help bring things into the light. Amazing.

I greatly appreciate what you do, I bet you can quantity the level of impacts you have on your audience, it's probably the incentive.

You are so amazing. Thank you!!

Thank you!!! ❤❤❤

I'm kinda scared that such level of authenticity will leave me being completely alone (as a lot of people have "warned" me when they cut me off).

Secret third root: you grew up having everything repeatedly reinforced by words and actions as Your Fault. There was never any tolerance for you, you were quite literally expected to just take it and were given to others to abuse. When you weren’t being verbally/socially/academically/spiritually/(and eventually the start of physically) abused at school and church, there was No Tolerance for your hurts, and you got yelled at for being “constantly in trouble” and having that same messaging reinforced-everything is Your Fault. You Choose to be upset. Even your laughter is Inappropriate. Your interests and talents are only Appropriate Within A Small Margin, Otherwise Frivolous to Evil (and Noone succeeds anyway; if you succeed, you deserve the harassment that comes with it. You also deserve the harassment and shaming about your bodytype and gender.) …there has really only been one person stubborn enough to stick around when I was stubborn enough to interact with him more consistently who not only actually accepts my hurts when he sees them or I admit symptoms of them without elaborating, but also was so insistent on getting me to laugh again without shame, and finally didn’t let me take the responsibility others tried forcing onto me that I was going to just accept as I’ve always been conditioned to do when the situation that kept us apart finally came to a head. It’s having someone stick around as much as they comfortably can and not be phased by what I’m actually feeling that’s pretty deeply buried-what comes up either slips out or is a heavily tailored part of my masking because I’m not Truly Stoic as I tried to be for so long; adhd doesn’t allow that, even at my most emotionally locked down. And in turn…I finally thanked him for all that, if for no other reason than to try to break through the All or Nothing self-flagellation he’s been doing to himself, in addition to picking up he’s pretty harsh with himself, anyway. He’s already done more than really anyone IRL has bothered to do. And since the desire to spend actual time together is something that eats at him, too, but circumstances Stink for that? Well? Then that is enough for now, and we can see if it’s something we can revisit later when he’s not beating himself up about perceiving that I’m overtaking responsibility to find a midpoint that can work for us-if I’m not being chased or pushed away, you really can’t get rid of me that easily. But I won’t overstay my welcome. Anyway. I’m curiously hopeful to see where this friendship goes as we continue to repair the damage circumstances caused by making an insanely rocky start to it. But, we both respect and care about eachother a great deal, and we’ve both shown that we’re capable of reconciling misunderstandings and no-fault conflict and gain a better understanding of the other person’s situation, wounds, and desires.

Thanks Heidi

Heidi, you’re quite insightful.

Perfect video. I'm ready to vote tomorrow and I want to bring this topic up in line or something. 🎉

You pack so much relevant and deep truths in these videos in such a simple way, I am amazed. Speaking from my own experience,as someone working intensly on self discovery for more than a decade...It takes a lot of self awareness and self work to understand these truths in such depths, you are here "casualy" presenting...🙌

@heidipriebe1 wooosh!... this direct, clear, concise, no frills approach is super refreshing. Your straightforward communication also makes your videos super easy for me to follow, unlike a lot of other content on C-PTSD which ends up having me zoning out or getting distracted half way through. I could see value in you turning this content into an elearning course, or a book, or blog, or just continuing this work in whatever form you choose! Thanks a ton for sharing your ideas and learnings!

Thank you and your mom for the insight that it's okay to not have all the answers and to struggle for a bit, it was a light bulb moment for me. I kinda knew it already but... Thank you for the validation.

For committed couples here, May I suggest the channel of Dr Assael Ramonelli who is a couples therapist that helps couples through shadow integration and looking at secondary gains and losses. It couples well with Heidi’s content for those in committed relationships. I live in the UK and he is in Israel and there is nothing in it for me to be clear!😂

Thank you ❤️

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!!

Not sure why or how you're able to impart so much wisdom, but Thanks!❤

Heidi, you are amazing! Thank you for this reliefing important video ❤

This is fantastic - this resonates with me in all my relationships!

Thanks!

Mulțumim!