Turns out that without a script I talk a lot 😅 Still, worth trying something new, and I quite like how chill it turned out. Hope it helps any anxious socialisers out there! Ps. ad free version of this video here: nebula.tv/videos/sophs-notes-people-like-you-more-than-you-think

When I die, all I want is for Soph to say: "He's been debriefed and dismissed."

For a long time, I believed overthinking was good because it prepared me for a handful of things that actually happened. Over time though, I've learned it's robbing me from 'living in the moment.'

Woah. My partner and I always sit next to one another in restaurants, as you can hear each other better and it makes our people watching easier. We’ve done this since our first dates, and really get annoyed by “two-tops” where you need to sit across. It also makes it easier for her to rest her leg over mine, because we’re not fans of “overt pda” so the covert pda works better.

Definitely something that helps to know logically...but then there is that bit of my brain that goes "Yes...but some people are just genuinely disliked...that could be you" Great video as always

"Woah, we could get paid ten bucks to have a conversation? They want strangers, but this seems well worth throwing off a scientific study for."

Please don't ever stop making these videos! I absolutely love the length, themes and humor of them, they're always so enjoyable to watch

A day after watching this, I had a thought about another potential explanation - the difference in social desirability between humbleness (associated with a positive liking gap) and arrogance (associated with a negative liking gap). At least in my American circles, people who come across as humble are better liked and trusted while those who appear arrogant are disliked and mistrusted. This social pressure seems to incentivize people to cultivate a liking gap in order to reap the rewards of humbleness. I always thought valuing humbleness was a good thing before, but now it looks like a mixed bag 🤔

There may also be an issue of not knowing when things go well due to a lack of truthful feedback. If we don't know what has gone well, we will second guess ourselves. If we don't know that someone likes us, we don't know what to look for when interacting with others.

I know Soph is saying “liking gap” but I keep hearing “lycangap” and thinking it’s about the space between wolves.

That's a really interesting result, although, in addition to the selection bias thing, I wonder how much it suffers from self-reporting bias? Like, outside of a lab environment, if you ask me how much I liked someone there's probably some social pressure to just say I like them unless I have a real, significant issue with them, so I might say "Yeah, they seemed pretty cool" when I actually was just kind of bored. You mentioned financially incentivizing people to try to be as accurate as possible when guessing how much someone liked them to account for modesty, but I'm not sure how one would correct for any pressure to overstate how much I liked someone.

About sitting next to each other or sitting opposite, the best option is sitting across a corner: you can look each other in the eyes while talking without straining your neck, but you also don't have to so there won't be as much awkward silence. As for the studies, one thing I worry about is that people might simply be answering the two questions using different scales. Whenever you meet someone, you have an opinion of how much you like them, so it seems reasonable that you might grade how much you like the other compared to a random person. However, when you thinks about whether someone else likes you, that person is usually someone who is important to you, so that sample is going to be somewhat skewed towards liking you. Thus, if in answering how much you think the other likes you, you thinks not about a random person you meet on the street but take these people as your reference frame, you will naturally give a lower answer.

On the "holding ourselves to higher standards" point, I'm reminded of something I learned in theater training. Namely, that if you forget a line, but you don't panic or stop, and just keep going, winging it until it comes back to you or a cast mate saves you or whatever, then almost 100% of the time, the audience will have no idea you made a mistake. It only *_seems_* like a glaring thing to us because we know how it's supposed to be. Likewise, we may have this imagined ideal of ourselves that we judge our coolness against or whatever, but the people we interact with don't. 🙂

I just found you and I've got to say "Woah!" The unscripted style paired very well with studies around shyness and communication. It Cast you as very honest and vulnerable which ties really well back to the theme of the study

I'd be interested in seeing if it persists over different groups like cultures or age/life stage.

There's a podcast "Two Nosy Meerkats" where at the end, the two comedians hosts ask their comedian guest, how they think they're perceived by others, before finding out from the hosts how they actually perceive the guest. It's less quantifiable because it's not a number out of ten, but more a description, but I always find it fascinating! Anecdotally I think the liking gap seems to exist the least by the people who are not only confident but also dont often think about how they're perceived.

Woah. I think I depends on the kind of night you want to have. If you want to be focused on the other person you sit across from them, if you enjoy that and people watching a bit as well, that can be better side by side.

Love the fact they came to the UK. It would be like a uni student from here saying ‘As part of my Ba I think I’ll have two weeks in Florida. I could just go to Leeds but I’ll justify my holiday by going to a one day seminar’.

Woah. What is that cool tree drawing in your background? Thanks for your video; I'm glad you didn't use a script. I'm definitely sharing this 🤗

I'd love to see this research applied to more groups! I'm solidly neurodivergent so I both struggle with getting information from others during conversation and matching the tone of that conversation. I'm usually too loud or excited for others and have worked on changing my behavior to fit better, I'm curious if that trends towards a larger or smaller Liking Gap! Either way, I thought this was a wonderful video, super relevant to what I think about and experience as a human 🙂

I appreciate the techdif gag- lovely stuff and brilliant video! I have a bit less social anxiety since my therapist told me about it but watching a video about the science in depth is great. I’m northern so more willing to talk to strangers but will walk away thinking they despise me. Knowing about the effect is almost like a vaccine against suffering it. Also edit, uni accommodation picks are fucking wank- I had to share a flat with 6 tories in my first year who all knew each other and came in every other night reliably at like 3am and loudly continued the party let’s say, and even would knock on my door yelling shit at me while absolutely plastered. I didn’t have the money to pay the £200 moving fee so I put up with them for the rest of the year and rented a 1 bed flat 3 miles from where I knew they were moving on my own the next year and it was bliss.

Woah, you're telling me everyone is also thinking about themselves, and not that one thing I could've said better two years ago? Crazy. Great vid!

I’ve heard it said as fact a number of times in various training, that women tend to prefer to stand face to face, and men find this more confrontational so are most comfortable talking side by side at an obtuse angle. No idea about studies evidencing this, but it hangs true anecdotally at least for people around me.

Opposite! Most often more space between you and more control - you can see more things more easily. You can see and move on from their - I like my personal space and is most often just for special people.

LOL! Love the Technical Difficulties shout out!

You definitely edited this so it wasn't boring and made sense! I laughed out loud multiple times. Great vid, Soph, enjoyed the researched but more free-form style :)

Gosh, I hope Soph knows we all like her a lot

I'm afraid to know what a study about the liking gap for finance bros would yield. P.S: great video, as always ! I always feel better/more curious after watching one of your vids.

This video has made me want to watch Tom Scott's "Money" again...

I definitely feel this. Social stuff has never come natural to me so I've always been super insecure, anxious, and hard on myself about any mistakes, missteps, and misunderstandings. The fact that I've had situations in my past where people who I have come come out of my shell with have had different opinions about me behind my back doesn't exactly help either with the thoughts of "do they really like me or are they just pretending to, in order to be nice?"

"...People like you more than you think!..." No, I am pretty sure they do not, but that's ok, because I don't like many people either. Jokes aside, I'd say it is likely skewed in some way by physical appearance. I know I get judged based on my (not serious, but obvious) physical disability. Most would be in the normal range, but there are outliers - Some people are overly "nice" to the point of condescension, others think I'm mentally deficient.

...I like this :) Thank you for helping us anxious annies get a better perspective on this. Feeling so debriefed and dismissed rn 😄

I love the quircky jokes throughout the vid. Really good one

Woah. That’s an interesting couple of studies. Food for thought…

Woah. I never thought about it like that

I love the subplot of bag securing kings or queens with the friends or the 2 min conversation! What you say around 24:00 really struck home to me, thank you

Personally, I prefer sitting away from but not opposite to someone else. For example, the classical multiple-sofa arrangement in a house, where the sofas are at right or obtuse angles to each other, where they permit discussion without demanding it, while the TV is facing both sofas. I guess restaurant seating is a little different because you do have the table and food between you, so it offers the same sort of "I can choose to engage primarily with the food while I listen to your voice", but I still find the non-food segments of restaurant eating a little awkward. For clarity, I've never been diagnosed as neurodivergent (and I've had plenty of reason to be tested for things like that) but I do find neurodivergent people easier to get along with than a lot of high social-competence neurotypical people. I would also like to add a somewhat antisocial hypothesis as to why we might have a liking gap: if we think that others don't like us as much as they do, we can find ourselves being less reliant on others for support and trusting them less, especially when they are strangers/not close. I wonder what might happen if the participants themselves were allowed to watch their conversations, and what effect that might have when you're allowed to depersonalise the experience a little more.

Not me making a reading list out of your background decoration 🧐🔎📝✍️

Soph- whenever I watch your videos I think we could be long lost siblings. I showed my brother and we think you were separated from us at some point 😂 love the vids ❤️

Thanks so much! I think I'm quite shy and awkward, especially when it comes to dating, and this video gave me more confidence to continue my not-yet-successful tries to find a girlfriend. Also, I usually go and sit opposite to the girl I'm dating. In my head I trace that back to a story I heard in my childhood about two brothers that were really smart and when they came to some dinner they sat opposite to each other and not next to each other like the other pairs who were invited and then there were really long spoons so the other people that got there couldn't eat but they fed each other or something, but maybe that's just because it makes more sense for a talking situation. Also, I'm neurodivergent so I don't think it's about that.

So you are saying that the people I thought hated me don't? Woah, and here I was thinking they might have disliked me! I mean the comments about "Who are you", "Why are you in my house" and "Give me back my cat" seemed so unfriendly!

This is so interesting. The only bit i was really surprised by was the lack of gap in hierarchical structures. I decided years ago for my mental health to assume everyone likes me unless they make it clear they don't (had a habit of spiralling before that). The only thing that still makes me anxious is younger colleagues. What if they hate me but they have to pretend they don't because I'm senior?! Love the ideas for future research. Though now I'm worried someone will find out the liking gap is reversed in my specific demographic 😅 OK this is why i made the "assume everyone likes me" rule

I’ve read that men are more open/willing to be vulnerable with others when side-by-side, as men are more likely to perceive interactions with people facing them as being confrontational vs. cooperative 🤷‍♀️💐

Soph, I needed to hear this.

woah.

Interesting, thank you. I’m thinking about it all. 🤔 Maybe I’m just too old now but I don’t recall ever worrying about whether someone liked me. Maybe I did in the high school dance romantic sense. But since then it’s been more of “I’ll give what I have at that moment and I’ll accept what you have to give at that moment and if they jive, cool, pursue.” No harm, no foul if not. I guess what I mean in relation to these studies is, there’s no point in wondering what impression I made if I presented my self honestly. What’s that ‘eye of the beholder’ thing? 🤷‍♀️💃💐

Woah. You made me less depressed today.

Hey, Soph. We all love you (in the healthy way subscribers love their creators, not in the super creepy way some middle-aged guy in America says he loves a young woman in Australia).

Woah! A positive one. 😊

Great video. Thank you!

Soph, it is my observation that it's impossible for anyone not to Like you.😊

great video!! loved the avril lavigne hint hihi

two of them had Techical Difficulties xD

And I thought it was just because I was a pessimist. Woah.

WOAH! Welcoming Others Affection & Happiness?

Woah. Good to know!

Did you just call the Metal Gear Solid Soundeffect a "shocked anime noise"? 😖

Not even half-way through and I can tell I need to watch this a few times and probably download the paper. And now deleting the bulk of my comment about how I was thinking about "work" relationships because apparently that's also included. Wonder if cultural differences are a part of this. Guess I'll watch the rest and see...

Why do I feel like You like Me less after I finished watching this video?

I really liked this video.

THIS IS REAL MONEY

Whoa

Woah, hold on, there's no "liking gap" in a hierarchy? So does that mean opinions more closely matched reality, or reality more closely matched opinion... because that's an important distinction, like are we better at estimating our interactions inside structure, or are those interactions just naturally more negative... cause I kinda feel like it's the latter, but that might be bias. Also open the door to questions of HOW we estimate interactions, as in potentially assuming a hierarchy and conflicts in those assumptions affecting the gap.

Woah! 😶‍🌫

It would be interesting to know if there was a difference between same sex and opposite sex chat partners.

4:05 that is sacrilegious to say that its anime. FYi its from metal gear solid. A video game.

press X for doubt (it took me a few minutes to understand the title if this video. I'm 98% it got changed)

I find it hard to believe that Sophia is insecure. Except when it comes to her singing. Otherwise, I think she is beautiful, funny, and intelligent. Too bad I'm not her type!😢

I kept hearing "lycan" gap.

Well soph, i like you. I wish i aas twenty years younger!

Woah!

Woah (positive)

Woah, I’m pretty obnoxious tbf 😂

Usually it's probably because the other person is just desperate to go to the loo, lol.

Wow,

woah.