Portal 2 - Cave Johnson - Funny Quotes
Рет қаралды 259,412
13 жыл бұрынWarning: There are copious amounts of Portal 2 spoilers.
These are all of the story-based messages of the brilliant, but ever funny, Cave Johnson of Aperture Science Innovators. These messages are not completely in chronological order.
Timeline:
Introduction : 0:10
Pre-Recorded Messages : 0:35
Mantis Men : 0:54
No Hand Holding : 1:16
Dehydration : 1:24
Tumors : 1:37
Bleeding Gas : 1:57
Stress : 2:08
Asbestos : 2:25
Urinate Coal : 2:55
Superpowers or Tumors : 3:10
Allergic To Peanuts : 3:25
Overheating : 3:39
Skin : 3:57
Unequal Opportunity : 4:07
Control Group : 4:17
Element : 4:29
Do Not Get Covered In The Repulsion Gel : 4:37
You Get The Gel : 4:46
Time Travel : 5:03
Catwalk Warning : 5:21
Against The World : 5:39
You're Fired : 5:48
Safe Science : 5:55
Thank You : 6:10
Who Wants To Make 60 Dollars : 6:35
Black Mesa Can Eat My Bankrupt... : 7:18
Elevator : 7:43
Change The... : 7:48
Additional 60 Dollars : 7:55
You Oughta Be Paying Us : 8:08
Thanking These People : 8:27
Human Testing : 8:47
Lemons : 9:49
Artificial Intelligence : 10:23
Disclaimer: Portal 2 and Cave Johnson is property of Valve. I claim no ownership to the intellectual property of Portal 2, I'm merely a fan.
Enjoy!
@xNobleEclipsex 9 жыл бұрын
"Science isn't about why, it's about why not" - Cave Johnson
@lucyquesenbury8879 7 жыл бұрын
EXACTLY!
@dudeonlygamingandotherstuf7791 7 жыл бұрын
cause why not
@theblackmesaresearchfacili1079 3 жыл бұрын
cause why not make a resonance cascade
@savannahsav91824 3 жыл бұрын
Once you think about it, it's somewhat true. Even though I'd say technology is about "why not" instead pf science but who am I to doubt Mr. Johnson.
@ashtray378 3 жыл бұрын
Hey, listen up down there, that things called an Elevator, not a bathroom
@omfgnoobswtf 8 жыл бұрын
"That's not part of the test...that's asbestos.
@1mariomaniac 4 жыл бұрын
Good news is, the lab boys say that the median latency for asbestos poisoning is 44.6 years, so if you're 30 or older, you're laughing. Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you've forwarded the cause of science by 3 centuries. I punch those numbers in my calculator, it makes a happy face.
@ashtray378 3 жыл бұрын
Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt . .
@Twisted_Code 2 жыл бұрын
"... or your heart stopping"
@KabooM1067 9 жыл бұрын
>buys moon rocks >complains about ramps prices
@cavejohnson6883 9 жыл бұрын
That's because moon rocks do something for science! Ramps do nothing for science...
@LilPumpkinPastie 9 жыл бұрын
Cave Johnson exacly
@AvalynTheAccursed 9 жыл бұрын
Moon rocks are technically useful in Portal 2. Ramps are not. Also, what Cave said.
@sezzy334 8 жыл бұрын
+Cave Johnson what is your opinion on gay guys fucking in the middle of a test?
@Rose-bv3dy 8 жыл бұрын
+Cave Johnson Two words. Speed and velocity.
@0anesthetic4u70 7 жыл бұрын
If Cave Johnson were running for president, I would vote for him.
@michaelfixedsys7463 6 жыл бұрын
0Anesthetic 4u A 1960s leader?
@sergdraws 6 жыл бұрын
reminds me sorta of trump tbh
@Soneone. 5 жыл бұрын
Cave Johnson for President 2020
@mediumsizedmammal 5 жыл бұрын
BREAKING NEWS: lSIS STOPPED WITH A COMBUSTABLE LEMON
@lossarquo7815 5 жыл бұрын
If your house gets burned down a lemon once he becomes president, don’t come crying.
@DavidJohanssonSN 9 жыл бұрын
"Just a heads up, we're going to have a superconductor on full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing." -Cave Johnson
@miaoumastr 8 жыл бұрын
lemon + grenade = lemonade
@farmerspaceboy2251 7 жыл бұрын
meow master that is the truth
@jocolesco 7 жыл бұрын
What if they were always telling us to do that....
@thedanklordofthesith210 6 жыл бұрын
Or gremon
@fightingtypegymleadermicha1539 5 жыл бұрын
A BOMB
@HexenMeister06 5 жыл бұрын
Holy shit how much sense can one man make
@zoecasas8219 7 жыл бұрын
"I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face". I LOVE IT XDDD
@niga619 2 жыл бұрын
83
@bullcheese2236 4 жыл бұрын
Imagine Chell's reaction on the future when she accidentally cut herself and instead of blood coming out is gasoline and peanut water. Chell: wHat tHE FucK?
@ironicivan4928 3 жыл бұрын
well chell didn't go to the laser gasoline test thing and i don't know if she went to the peanut water test either
@shinkenger2011 2 жыл бұрын
@@ironicivan4928 Anything is possible with science
@nucleargandhi2709 7 жыл бұрын
I can't imagine how much fun Simmons had with this character.
@baltulielkungsgunarsmiezis9714 5 ай бұрын
Id find it quite anoying to try to to smile while voicing such voicelines.
@MrMortull 7 жыл бұрын
R.I.P Cave Johnson. Greatest fictional hero of science, tragically ruined by industrial espionage and deadly space diseases. You will be missed, good sir. Missed and well remembered.
@mr_loudpickle1507 7 жыл бұрын
But there is still Cave Prime from Earth 2
@AAhmou 5 жыл бұрын
More like ruined by stupid marketing... And few financial decisions.
@mat8791 4 жыл бұрын
There's still the other caves from the multiverse. Infinite universes = Every universe having a 100% of happening. So there is a universe where Cave is a godly being and is alive. Chariots chariots.
@jonnyb.animationstutorials7119 3 жыл бұрын
Wasn't the Moon rocks. It was Asbestos! He states in the game that the testing spheres are made of Asbestos, and then lists out the symptoms. Persistent dry cough, Shortness of Breath, and your heart stopping. Who has the first two? Cave does. The moon rock dust must've made it worse, because moon rocks in real life are known to cause minor respiratory irritation. Not enough to kill you though, so there'd have to be an underlying problem. Like Asbestos poisoning.
@astroboy512 2 жыл бұрын
@@jonnyb.animationstutorials7119 I really appreciate your comment!
@shinkenger2011 2 жыл бұрын
“Demand to see life’s manager!” Cave Johnson is the only person that could do that and come out victorious.
@linkfromzelda1002 Жыл бұрын
He’s a Karen.
@logicseeker5022 9 жыл бұрын
3:39 Tiny microchip... about the size of a POSTCARD, into your skull. 7:00 what do these people buy? tattered hats, beard dirt.
@misspineapple553 8 жыл бұрын
i wanna fight some mantis men
@ghostturtle5516 3 жыл бұрын
Yeah!
@ashtray378 3 жыл бұрын
Thank you guys for your contribution to science
@darlekkiller2630 3 жыл бұрын
Go grab an M-16 on the wall
@elcomemierda2624 3 жыл бұрын
And follow the yellow line.... You'll know when the test starts
@theironycomedy6 2 жыл бұрын
Time to commit HL2 Episode 2 and fight a full hive of mantis creatures while defending some guy that almost died.
@liamdeimund9070 4 жыл бұрын
“The beam counters told me we literally could not afford $7 worth of moon rocks much less $70,000,000. Bought ‘em anyway.”
@pufffincrazy5275 3 ай бұрын
*bean counters, sir
@wesleypickles945 9 жыл бұрын
"I'm the man who's going to BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! With the LEMONS!!" lol
@RF-Ataraxia 9 жыл бұрын
Wesley Pickles Burning people, he says what we are all thinking!!
@KateKreeperKing 6 жыл бұрын
Wesley Pickles it's funny how GLADOS just cheers him on :,)
@jacksonstein809 4 жыл бұрын
BURN HIS HOUSE DOWN! Burning people... he said what where all thinking!
@baltulielkungsgunarsmiezis9714 5 ай бұрын
:D
@CoolieKr0n1c 12 жыл бұрын
"Oh in case you get covered in the repulsion gel, here's some advice the lab boys gave me." [Flips page] "Do not get covered in the repulsion gel." LOL!
@TheGrenstone4 8 жыл бұрын
Cave Johnson, probably one of my most favorite characters ever created
@YokaiDisorder 5 жыл бұрын
"Who wants to make $60? Cash." *Why is that funny to me?*
@jacksonstein809 4 жыл бұрын
Adam Richardson About 400$ today!
@vinson3725 4 жыл бұрын
@@jacksonstein809 *OOH!*
@Billy-I-Am-Not 7 жыл бұрын
i need this guy to narrate my life
@AchatdirectReal 3 жыл бұрын
Cave:'so who's the idiot i need to narrate?' also Cave:'the lab boys just told me i have broken the fourth wall irreparably and the world is going to end. eh not my problem.'
@Ramroma3 8 жыл бұрын
He is such a jerk but I love him :)
@usnford 8 жыл бұрын
i don't think a jerk, just stupid but curious and i love that.
@ldobehardcore 8 жыл бұрын
+Joshua Ford ....Honestly, we're just throwing science at the wall and seeing what sticks. Best case scenario, you might get some super powers! Worst case scenario.... Tumors. BUT WE'LL CUT THOSE OUT!
@cavejohnson3265 8 жыл бұрын
Thank you, Want to earn some Money? We still need a Turret Target and you would be Perfect. -Cave Johnson
@BDN355 7 жыл бұрын
Gandoora32 i love him to be my boss
@christianjudeberbano3134 3 жыл бұрын
@@usnford ya bang ▄︻̷̿┻̿═━一
@therarekitty3861 8 жыл бұрын
"Smacked their little pink bras" I don't know when to use this, but I will.
@frofa909 8 жыл бұрын
Used it yet?
@therarekitty3861 8 жыл бұрын
joshua starr Nope
@frofa909 8 жыл бұрын
The Rare Kitty shame..
@streetlight197 8 жыл бұрын
What about now?
@therarekitty3861 8 жыл бұрын
Ye
@Calriec 12 жыл бұрын
"Try to remember which skin is yours, and if it doesn't teleport along with you, we'll do what we can to sew you right back into it."
@osanneart9318 4 жыл бұрын
"Welcome to aperture, you're here because we want the best and you're it- Nope couldn't keep a straight face." I feel like this was an outtake that made it in the game.
@notottomedic 5 жыл бұрын
“Funny quotes” This is all of his dialogue.
@papacarson6579 4 жыл бұрын
Did the title fucking stutter?
@iteachvader 7 жыл бұрын
I probably shouldn't have quoted Cave when I went to the dealership...
@dylanfitzgerald3212 7 жыл бұрын
★iteachvader★ which quote did you use?
@iteachvader 7 жыл бұрын
Dylan Fitzgerald I said, and quite fervently, "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE!?"
@mr_loudpickle1507 7 жыл бұрын
★iteachvader★ lol
@user-74652 7 жыл бұрын
And how did they react?
@lordbadoc1137 5 жыл бұрын
Told me I couldn’t afford to buy a car but it anyway
@deloreanrc 12 жыл бұрын
"The lab boys here just informed me that i should have not mentioned the control group....they say i should stop making these pre-recorded messages...that gave me and idea...make more pre-recorded messages...i pay the bills around here i can talk about the control group all damn day" lol
@antoniosalinas7540 8 жыл бұрын
Great Uncle Ford!!! How did he go from fighting bill cipher to burning a house down with lemons? LOL
@OpticBeatz 8 жыл бұрын
The other way around
@bavtie1 8 жыл бұрын
And then back to training the Avatar in airbending!
@theaxbowlotl 3 жыл бұрын
He's on break from taking pictures of spider man
@cavejohnson2728 9 жыл бұрын
*starts to die* help....
@flopperdilly9 9 жыл бұрын
Did you try lemons?
@cavejohnson2728 9 жыл бұрын
*Dies*
@popexx1 9 жыл бұрын
Cave Johnson Rest In Lemons ??? - 1976
@analothor 9 жыл бұрын
Simon Guevara because he refused the lemons
@koala_guest_rbx8344 8 жыл бұрын
lemon will burn you life house
@turretboi 8 жыл бұрын
best cave Johnson lines: all of them
@batgh0ul 4 жыл бұрын
His best quote is definitely "Black Mesa can eat my bankrupt-"
@Jane-qh2yd 3 жыл бұрын
This game managed to have the most enjoyable cast of characters with only 3 of them. A true masterpiece
@gay_madilynn 6 жыл бұрын
"Science isn't about why, it's about why not! Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not Marry safe science? In fact, Why not make a special safety door that wont hit you on the way out because YOU ARE FIRED! Not you test subject, you're doing fine. Yes, you, box your stuff, out the front door, parking lot, car."- Cave Johnson, 2011
@OfficialRainsynth 6 жыл бұрын
We all know, that everyone is here for the part with lemons :D
@PazuzuTheTyrant 3 жыл бұрын
I don't want the damn lemons. What am I supposed to do with these?
@yourfriendlyneighborhoodla2091 9 жыл бұрын
"Hell I punch that number into my calculator and it makes a happy face" :)
@DeNihility 9 жыл бұрын
If all science was done the way Aperture does it, the world's understanding of science and technology would take leaps and bounds... We really need this...
@michaelfixedsys7463 6 жыл бұрын
Cat That's what I'm trying to do. If I'm ever able I'll purchase Salt Mines
@gothmomcosplays 4 жыл бұрын
@@michaelfixedsys7463 you have my interest
@cam7990 3 жыл бұрын
There would also probably be a lot more human death
@gootz3182 2 жыл бұрын
@@gothmomcosplays I'd build a huge facility if it meant Forwarding the Cause of Science.
@DannyDevitoOfficial 3 жыл бұрын
“Oh, in case you got covered in that repulsion gel, here’s some advice the lab boys gave me.” * papers rustling* “Do not get covered in the repulsion gel.”
@bleach381 8 жыл бұрын
every one is here for this 9:50
@cavejohnson3265 8 жыл бұрын
Are you sure about that.
@miniturretgamez1272 7 жыл бұрын
What happens when GLaDOS finds 100 flipping vegetables in wheatley's lair
@flavourtext9821 4 жыл бұрын
They mean like paralysed vegetables
@MrBuddy2003 7 жыл бұрын
Can't believe i never noticed this but Cave sounds strikingly similar to Alex Jones during the lemons quote.
@lilys9466 6 жыл бұрын
When life gives you lemons BURN LIFE'S HOUSE DOWN WITH COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@notorious.png_ 4 жыл бұрын
“Trace amounts of time travel”
@naapalm82 9 жыл бұрын
Goodbye, sir.
@WHITENITEHERO 3 жыл бұрын
i could listen to this guy for hours
@majorpeepo 3 жыл бұрын
His voice actor is doing a show called invincible hes really good on that show
@opteryx4309 2 жыл бұрын
And don't forget Gravity Falls
@duditon1 10 жыл бұрын
you're fired, parker hello, you're fired hahaha
@KerbalKraken 9 жыл бұрын
I find it kind of weird that if cave johnson actually went into the GlaDOS system, it'd be weird to look at. I mean I'm just so used to the normal voice (I.E. caroline) that hearing him as the boss would be.. funny.
@evonshki 7 жыл бұрын
Dude JK Simmons was hilarious in this role 👌
@ryanbarker3978 4 жыл бұрын
"I punched those numbers into my calculator; it makes a happy face."
@escorpianoyqueee 5 жыл бұрын
I just used "I punch those numbers into my calculator it makes a happy face" on a call.... real life, it felt awwwwsome...
@wacesferpit 8 жыл бұрын
Cave Johnson... a man with a clear and in poind conversation.... "You have 0,00000001% of surviving chance... be happpy its more than the last subject :D"
@Renghub 5 жыл бұрын
Ramps are expensive, brb grinding moon rocks
@djstefi 3 жыл бұрын
You are fired! Yes, you. Box. Your stuff. Out the front door. Parking lot. Car. Goodbye. ( a decade old but still gets me everytime)
@Catnipppuhhh 5 жыл бұрын
*"YeAh TaKe tHe LeMoNs"*
@Mister_Shire 12 жыл бұрын
"goodbye, sir." =)
@avidcrablover8972 8 жыл бұрын
i dont want your damn LEMONS!!!!
@michaelfixedsys7463 6 жыл бұрын
As a mad scientist I love this guy
@beastof_ 2 жыл бұрын
Cave explains that moon rocks are crushed and converted into gel, and are a great portal conductor. This foreshadows the fact that the moon is a portal conductor itself
@Pancakesmm 10 жыл бұрын
dayum i love cave johnson
@treemannick2969 3 жыл бұрын
JK Simmons did a perfect job voicing Cave Johnson.
@majorpeepo 3 жыл бұрын
Hes killing it with the voice for omni-man in the show called invincible
@mechanicalfury2061 5 жыл бұрын
Thank you! *_I can't believe I'm thanking these people_*
@MechanicalMarketer253 5 жыл бұрын
"HEY listen up down there. That thing's called an elevator NOT a bathroom"
@awesomeeliam7882 5 жыл бұрын
6:04 "in fact why don't you make a safety door that's not gonna kick your butt on the way out BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!!!"
@frankieaddams 3 жыл бұрын
Oh he 100% snorted those moon rocks. It was the 80’s
@katie100katherine 8 жыл бұрын
Great Uncle Ford! Is this what you've been doing for 30 years in the portal?
@bavtie1 8 жыл бұрын
Training avatar Korra in airbending!
@potatobuilds 3 жыл бұрын
8:28 "Thank you! I can't believe I'm thanking these people" Hits me now😂
@TheMediaRaptor 7 жыл бұрын
I really wanted to use his 'Lemon Rant' as my Graduation Quote.
@vinson3725 4 жыл бұрын
Go for it!
@mudkipgast8671 4 жыл бұрын
Did you?
@TheMediaRaptor 4 жыл бұрын
@@mudkipgast8671 Unfortunately... No. Still, i have my Uni Graduation to pull it off!
@treemannick2969 3 жыл бұрын
can i use it too?
@nuclearbomb9483 3 жыл бұрын
@@TheMediaRaptor any updates?
@krisninoorpatrianti8262 4 жыл бұрын
*FOR THE NEXT TEST YOU WILL BE FIGHTING GIANT MANTIS MAN GRAB A RIFLE AND FOLLOW THE YELLOW LINE YOU WILL KNOW IF THE TEST BEGIN*
@thedanklordofthesith210 6 жыл бұрын
Fact:this is almost the same length of all cave Johnson quotes Least surprising fact ever
@Ampharosmaster64 11 жыл бұрын
4 people got blown up by Cave Johnson's combustible lemons
@EdOfSchmed 3 жыл бұрын
"If you need to go to the bathroom in this next series of tests, please let a test associate know because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you will be cold"."
@ruzzelpabillo8930 9 жыл бұрын
i don't want your damn lemons :)
@eternalmiasma5586 10 ай бұрын
“Microchip the size of a post card”
@That_One_Sunshine_Knight 12 жыл бұрын
the two dislikes are from one person. From time travel. They disobeyed cave, and looked at one another...---~END~---
@yottanuclei 11 жыл бұрын
5:04 my favorite quote
@carolinemendell1963 4 жыл бұрын
Fucking incredible writing. Masterpiece of a game
@mrastleysghost 11 жыл бұрын
these quotes all strung together make him sound majorly ADD
@gay_madilynn 6 жыл бұрын
Im happy that both Ford and Cave Johnson are scientists
@daffy5396 8 жыл бұрын
He was starting to scare me when he was talking about the lemons.
@ThatOneGamer69 8 жыл бұрын
Rekt by lemon
@snowkittten 8 жыл бұрын
FUCK YEAH COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS DOWN WITH LIFE 🍋🔥
@gabrielregli1222 10 жыл бұрын
9:36 lemons....
@Grampa_Swood 10 жыл бұрын
Alright i've been thinking: When life gives you lemons DON'T MAKE LEMONADE MAKE LIFE TAKE THE LEMONS BACK, GET MAD, I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE? DEMAND TO SEE THE LIFE'S MANAGER! MAKE LIFE RUE THE DAY AND THOUGHT IT COULD GIVE CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN. WITH THE LEMONS! I'M GONNA GET MY ENGINEERS TO INVENT A COMBUSTIBLE LEMON THAT BURNS YOUR HOUSE DOWN -Cave Johnson
@yunyuncapece3640 6 жыл бұрын
Gabriel Regli 9:50 combustible lemons...
@LapisGoBlue 3 жыл бұрын
so satisfying to hear this guy talk. if only he was my history teacher
@yvyrose195 7 жыл бұрын
9:49~ Freakin' love that rant.
@aduck558 4 жыл бұрын
Cave Johnson: *16 additional dollars for idk why* Also Cave Johnson: *I WILL BURN YOUR SHACK THAT YOU EARNED CASH FOR IN YEARS WITH LEMONS!*
@madara897 8 жыл бұрын
[YTP] Zoodystopia Mayor Lionheart 6:10 6:45
@CameraDev 3 жыл бұрын
What about the “I can’t believe I’m thanking these people...?”
@madara897 3 жыл бұрын
@@CameraDev Give me a timestamp within this video if you can find it. I need it.
@tezlaactual6582 11 ай бұрын
This is cave Johnson and for our new experiment I NEED PICTURES OF SPIDERMAN
@thetruegamer194 7 жыл бұрын
Combustible lemons rule
@ComandanteJ 11 жыл бұрын
I'm serious, visualizing the scenario while under stress actually triggers the reaction. - All Hail
@Rizz_Messiah 11 жыл бұрын
HOLY SHIT, ITS CAVE JOHNSON!!!!
@jaykay8144 6 ай бұрын
“The lab boys just informed me that I should NOT have mentioned the control group; and they are telling me I should stop making all these pre-recorded messages; that gave me an idea, make MORE pre-recorded messages. I pay the bills around here and I can talk about the control group all damn day!”
@shanerooney7288 21 күн бұрын
"We haven't entirely nailed down what element it is. But I'll tell you this: it's a lively one. And it does not like the human skeleton." ~ Cave Johnson, 4:29
@theaxbowlotl 3 жыл бұрын
Cave Johnson is what happens when Dr. Bright from the SCP foundation decides to run a company
@admiralyt7972 3 жыл бұрын
I like how this is most maybe all of his voice lines
@TaintedMustard 11 жыл бұрын
I like the little bits of pathos they threw into this game.
@921tensazangetsu 3 жыл бұрын
"Demand to see life's manager" So Cave Johnson is the ultimate Karen.
@pikminman13 12 жыл бұрын
2 people got covered in repulsion gel
@gabrielsabode 7 жыл бұрын
some of these are actually kind of depressing
@DementedDuskull 5 жыл бұрын
0:59 Cave Johnson predicted Rick and Morty
@anonymouscontributor1520 2 жыл бұрын
“If you’ve cut yourself at all in the course of these tests, you might’ve noticed that your blood is pure gasoline. That’s normal. We’ve been shooting you with an invisible laser that’s supposed to turn blood into gasoline, so all that means is it’s working!” Idk why, but that one’s my favorite XD
@lilyegg6185 7 жыл бұрын
THATS ASBESTOS
@revolv8379 6 жыл бұрын
your profile picture made this comment ten times better, even though it's actually a quote from the game
@TeamSilvertail 4 жыл бұрын
J. K. Simmons nailed this role perfectly.
Шейзи Кз
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