Proper Affair Recovery Requires Addressing the Many Layers of Betrayal

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4 жыл бұрын

Today Samuel discusses why many mistakes are made in the attempt to heal from infidelity or addiction.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

Пікірлер: 92

@mvb819 3 жыл бұрын

My D Day was about 2.5 years ago. I learned my wife had carried on an affair for months now 3 years ago. As I learned the details I saw myself as a fool for not seeing she was talking to her AP on Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving had a devastating setback from triggers and intrusive thoughts. I drank too much, I yelled, I made a fool of myself in front of my family. For me the worst part of trying to heal is suffering a setback after months of progress.

@granjadelsur3935 Жыл бұрын

My D-day was last Christmas! My gut was telling me but didn't believe it because all the people around him told me " one can't get a nicer guy than him". He's well liked at work, admired by his family. He's been traveling for work the last 3 years and started an online affair. On top of that, he sent big amounts of money! He gave more money to her than me on Christmas or birthday! The kicker is I just couldn't get out because of exorbitant house prices! I can only afford a moldy 18 sqm "apartment", since we live in one of the most expensive countries in the world. What he's done is truly the most hurtful and traumatizing thing I'd experienced in my 44 years.

@Smellyarmpits 3 ай бұрын

Trauma therapy like emdr, brainspotting or somatic experiencing. Do that and it’ll help a lot

@emd5095 3 жыл бұрын

I have no more patience for this. Today I told him & Jesus, if they want me to stay so bad, they can do the work. I quit. I'm exhausted.

@tbunney22 Жыл бұрын

I was just curious if you found peace and resolve? It says you made this comment 2years ago... so I was curious?

@MamanDecinq Жыл бұрын

I am equally curious, I will appreciate if you can update us if possible. Many thanks 🙏🏽

@nikkiallen1500 5 ай бұрын

So get this! Husband did this & I’m supposed to deal through the many layers. !?! So painful & So tired!

@elizabethcurran-xf7sn 5 ай бұрын

I understand. Yes, it is the most painful experience for both parties. I went out with another man while I was broken up with my bf. Is that an affair? He asked me about it and yes I lied because I didn’t want to lose him. Selfish … yes. I really love this man… but the way he was treating me because he was angry about something I did… I finally said “ enough”… So we are back together and he knows everything and now we are trying to repair it all. Yes, it is exhausting… however, I love him and I think we are both worth it. ❤

@son2poetry 4 жыл бұрын

My husband refuses to talk about his affair and through several weeks lied to me. He confessed incrementally over several weeks which was like slow torture. Now he denies ever feeling anything for the woman. He doesn’t know I have our conversations recorded. I feel more than shattered. Pray for me please.

@isemeaigbedion3149 4 жыл бұрын

I pray for you Debra. He is only a man. He can't heal you, he too needs healing. Let God be God.

@ggstorm8101 4 жыл бұрын

Yup. Offers nothing. Must be extracted in a thousand knife cuts. Hiding a thousand more.

@TheMassagequeen001 4 жыл бұрын

I'm definitely praying for you because this is such a CRAPPY thing to go through... I'm currently working through my own trauma.

@user-yy8zb2xh3t 2 жыл бұрын

I hear you. It’s been 7 years and she is still defiant and dishonest.

@JFLAMEZ Жыл бұрын

I got bird fed info for over ten years. Finally to find out there were over 15 different lovers involved. And the last was just a few weeks back. I guy that worked for me and was a problem employee. That was 7 yrs ago and I’m just now getting council over it. Still with this woman. I feel you!!!

@ggstorm8101 4 жыл бұрын

" Road back to one ness". Man that hurts . There never was oneness. Nothing to go back to. Probably the worst part. Multiple affairs...hidden bank accounts( we didn't have two nickels to rub together) living a secret life of porn stripclubs dating sites too. AND demeaning and putting me at risk and gaslighting me for 35years. Not a mistake but a lifestyle.

@dan-lansingmi9169 2 жыл бұрын

I hope you successfully moved on without him in the past year.

@stacysnider4899 Жыл бұрын

Long term infidelity is such a betrayal on SO many levels. Spending the funds on his skanks while his family goes without necessities is pure selfishness. It is appalling that the vows he took meant little to him. It is shocking that these guys break the covenant so easily. Where is his conscience? Exposing the wife to diseases due to his pure selfishness is beyond wrong. All of his behaviors are NOT a reflection of YOU - but truly show the kind of character HE is. You can to attend to your side of the street but you can’t control what he does. Often only clear boundaries & consequences is only what he can understand. He can look like a grown *ss man while having a level of immaturity that is off the charts. It’s sad when the one we picked out of every other man on the planet ended up being a lying cheater willing to stab his wife & family in the back. There are countless women walking in the same shoes & this ALL could have been prevented if these guys would grow the heck up & manage their problems like an ADULT instead of a 5 year old.

@ladylove34 Жыл бұрын

This is my spouse too. And I am just finding all about this at once. It is destroying me

@onepilltwopillredpillbluepill 2 жыл бұрын

I now have a PHD that I never asked for.

@irismelecio-lopez4309 4 жыл бұрын

This is exactly what I'm going through right now. Wow. Thank you.

@vslifeofcycles5415 4 жыл бұрын

I had a replenishing laugh when you said, "Whoo, child"! :D

@ran-dee3966 2 жыл бұрын

I have been married 25 years, 10 years into my marriage my husband was unfaithful, he told me it was a fling, we work on it move pass it, then 15 years later I find out (me being the betrayed) it wasn't a fling but a 7 year affair. How do I get past that? I feel that my life was nothing but a lie as well as my choice to forgive was taken away from me. I can say with 100% certainty if I had the entire story my life would of been much much different. I feel that because of his lie my life choices were taken away, and that is unforgivable. If I am incorrect please let me know.

@mysticmama_3692 Ай бұрын

Because your ability to choose WAS taken away by him withholding information.

@shala604 21 күн бұрын

Your 100 percent ..your autonomy was withheld and I took am struggling most with this most important aspect. I believe we are all entitled to our right to choose what's best...and they clearly made their choices but then deny me? I'm not sure I can maintain any self respect or just my own dignity and get past these violations. Especially with answers like ...I don't know what I was thinking ...there wasn't a lot of planning going on just surviving in a mess that kept getting worse. I mean seriously. .are we 15? My god I'm just over it too. Can't even tell u. Not to mention the baby that resulted from this ....we are Almost 50. Just irresponsible

@nucktabayoyon1619 3 жыл бұрын

Hint. D day 13 yrs ago. I still don’t trust. Just can’t.

@elle7813 Жыл бұрын

I totally understand. My question is why do we stay and put up with the abuse?

@sandraredmond4812 Ай бұрын

20 years in

@turbo1gts Жыл бұрын

Unfaithful here. 2 months into separation. We are drawing back together as friends, and as good as things have seemed to be the last couple of weeks, this past week has been really rough for me, the worst since she left. I gave her disclosure as to why I chose my addiction instead of her, and it seemed to satisfy her, but I was very worried about it. I guess I discovered another layer of relying on my addiction and avoiding her and another layer of that pain. Realizing I chose my addiction instead of her to avoid reality instead of dealing with it and drawing close to her and God to help me deal with it. It left her out in the cold emotionally and she finally got to where she couldn't take it. I'm sorry I made her feel that way. If she will take me back, it will be my lifelong mission to build her up and never make her go through that kind of pain from me ever again.

@momorales1021 Жыл бұрын

I hope you heal for yourself and for the people around you

@hayleysterling3598 8 ай бұрын

I’m the betrayed and my husband was the same as you. If we didn’t have kids I would’ve definitely ended it because I felt so disrespected. But since I want to try to keep my family together, I’m doing my best to give him another shot. He’s really doing well for the most part of being there for me. Even though many of the feelings I express to him about what he did makes him feel guilty and shameful, he sits through it and listens and doesn’t try to shut me down or ignore me. He also doesn’t blame me, but accepts that he was wrong and wants to change. It helps but he has a long way to go to win back my trust. I think for me, all I want is for him to just be his authentic self. No lies, no secrets. If he wants that kind of life he should just say that. I hope from here on he’s honest with me. I think everyone deserves honesty. I hope you can recover and find love again

@anna_makarchuk 3 жыл бұрын

That's inspiring. I needed to hear that. Thank you!

@kristineellithorpe4251 3 жыл бұрын

Such a helpful reminder this process takes time and healing and a lot of courage !

@ashleycornely196 4 жыл бұрын

Sam, thank you so much for everything you do. These videos help me more then I could ever express in words. So thank you from the bottom of my broken little heart.❤️

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

means everything to hear that. thank you so much.

@matthewfoster8217 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you, Samuel. As always, your words inspire and bring hope to those of us in need. I needed this message today, and I'm grateful. God bless you and yours.

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

thank you so much. back at ya brother.

@TheCrazyPlushWorld 3 жыл бұрын

What if the unfaithful has already told the betrayed everything that happened, but the betrayed believes there's more to it and that the unfaithful is lying? What is the betrayed to do? Without all info the betrayed can't heal, correct?...so what if the unfaithful already HAS given all detail to the betrayed and the betrayed can't move forward...what are we to do? My spouse gets angry when I ask questions because he says he's already answered them honestly, but I don't believe him. That's my problem now isn't it? What if he's being honest?

@ghalsos9130 2 жыл бұрын

Same issue!

@okay__desi 2 жыл бұрын

Same :(

@kateh9768 2 жыл бұрын

I’m having the same issue.🙁

@stacysnider4899 Жыл бұрын

I would say safety can start feeling real for us once he has a CLEAN polygraph with full disclosure. It’s ridiculous that chronic liars get angry when we don’t believe what is very likely just more lies!!!

@stevemartin1320 11 ай бұрын

She has twisted her answers like a bowl of spaghetti. It's so obvious. For example, she's been saying, since the beginning, that she was just not feeling "appreciated or heard" in our marriage. I recently asked her if she ever brought her dude into our bed mentally (fantasy-life), and after like 2 hours or whatever, she said, "Even if I went into sex [with me] initially with my mind on feeling [appreciated or heard], I couldn't actually have sex without feeling connected to you mentally and physically." I asked her, "what you're saying is that, even if you went into sex with me wanting to have sex with HIM, right? "feeling appreciated or heard" is referring to HIM, correct?" She finally said yes. This whole thing has been like that. Deception, lies, half-truths, leaving out details, "forgetting details," and the dude is still her boss. She told me she would quit, but I feel like a POS asking her to do that, for some reason.

@kakihowell9165 3 жыл бұрын

10 months after d day I just feel like I am relapsing. Back to the negative image and feelings.

@emd5095 3 жыл бұрын

Ugh. I'm sorry 😞

@dan-lansingmi9169 2 жыл бұрын

Many of us know what you feel like and going through. The negative thoughts will linger but you are the faithful, trustworthy, person that can move forward and have a rewarding life with or without him. Start writing down a plan for you and start acting on it.

@stephmreal88 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for these videos.

@tm6136 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you Samuel. My husband is still talking to his AP and is getting physical me. My friends asked me over the weekend why I had bruises on my face. It's hard not to think it's my fault because stayed with him. Your words and wisdom help me to see that I will get through this for my 3 children and myself 💖

@stacysnider4899 Жыл бұрын

God doesn’t want any of His children to be abused. Your children learn by your example. Prayers sent your way. 💗

@roroo Жыл бұрын

Honey just because you want to fix the relationship does not mean you put up with abuse, please tell me you left

@jaklynolson5333 3 жыл бұрын

Is someone who’s hurt you so deeply and traumatically really worth all this pain? I feel like I’m excepting second best. I don’t deserve any of this and why is he worth all this? WE the betrayed have to work hard at something we didn’t break. Where was the compassion when they’re having sex with another person? But now I have to be compassionate and forgiving? Sorry... I’m just not getting any of this right now

@emd5095 3 жыл бұрын

I understand. I feel like I carried my marriage for 17 years & now the burden is 10xs worse because he was unfaithful & it feels really unfair. I have spent $1100 on therapy & you know what I don't want to spend another penny or minute on this anymore. I didn't do this & I'm traumatized. Does not make sense to me

@mfawls9624 3 жыл бұрын

I had very similar feelings. I found myself almost laughing when someone would say "she doesn't respect you" and then try to tell me how to get her to respect me. Really? What makes anyone think that a spouse who has an affair understands the concept of respect? Why am I worried about her respecting me when her actions have disrespected so much beyond me? An affair disrespects so many things on a familial, societal and moral level that my personal sense of disrespect was/still is almost nil. The loss of trust is personal and that isn't something I can fix on my own. It made me wonder about some of the people preaching to me about her respecting me. I would think about a drug addict or alcoholic in their life maybe, did they worry about that person respecting them? It's not much different...you have someone who chooses to go outside the boundaries for selfish reasons; why would that person's respect matter? They have chosen to debase the value of their respect in my eyes. They don't disrespect me, they disrespect themself. I really don't understand how their respect or lack of respect for me matters anymore.

@dan-lansingmi9169 2 жыл бұрын

I totally agree with you. From my experience of what I went through and still do, I would have moved on if it was not for having four small children. I hope you can see yourself as being the strong person you are and move to a fulfilling life if that is what you want. Heal yourself before you try to heal him or your marriage.

@kire115 Жыл бұрын

Agreed. It’s been 5 yrs. We did EMS weekend, harboring hope and hope for healing in 2018. Then I found the red pill in Sept 2019. Beta-tization by a thousand concessions with this woman. The kids are teens now. I stayed for them they were so young and innocent. Now I can leave for them as an example of what not to accept or tolerate from their future relationships. They will ask. And then they will never look at their mother the same way again.

@Luvagoodquote Жыл бұрын

Exactly. Same here. I have worked and worked to get this right. To move forward. To love again and save our family. But my husband would rather continue to be an Ahole to me at every turn. To the point that it takes me right back to that night 5 years ago when he told me he screwed one woman in the back of his work truck and met another one in the Meat Market (Ya, go ahead and laugh about the irony - I did lol) that he met in the public park to get blowjobs. Not one time did he meet with these sluts but numerous. We are now in a situation that is worse than 5 years ago. I hate him and he shows his hate for me by saying shit like, "You can't change me. This is who I am!" Unbelievable that HE is now playing the victim. Makes me ill. I just don't want to do this anymore. It is in vain and I am being played. It is an effort in vain. Because I know it will never change on his end. He cheated on me, but it is supposed to swept under the rug. It can't ever be swept under anything. 16 years of a shitty marriage that just got worse and hit the fan when he chose to put 2 other women in our marriage. This not what marriage should be. I cannot deal with him anymore.

@glendatalamantes8106 4 жыл бұрын

3 year's almost. I'd say I've been very patient with my spouse. He still does not get it. Told him today. I am filing for divorce.. I can not do this anymore. It's time to let go and move on. I am a firm believer of "FAITH". But this is rediculous. Adultery is not acceptable in the Bible as well.

@ChronicChristy 4 жыл бұрын

Glenda, I completely understand. You can’t “will” them to do what they need to do. I’m sorry you have been through so much & still have to continue on. My heart is hurting for you! 💔

@jeannie25203 4 жыл бұрын

Mine doesn't get it either. I should be fine and moved on by now - 4 mths later. Now he's texting old female friend again. Cycle continues...

@mballa423 3 жыл бұрын

I'm very sorry you are going through that. You're right. If he doesn't get it by now, it's not on you to make him understand anymore. Prayers for your recovery and future!

@dan-lansingmi9169 2 жыл бұрын

It has been a year since your post and I hope you have moved on and look forward to a new life.

@refreshbarre1306 Жыл бұрын

This was so very helpful

@decembermissouri3545 3 жыл бұрын

Double betrayal is the worst of all especially if the other woman is very aggressive & expert in manipulating married men

@Trickorvr 3 жыл бұрын

Is there somewhere that betrayed spouse could share their stories and feelings with each other I think the best person to talk to is another betrayed, it's hard to talk to friends or family and I really dont want to share wit with them

@samshealingpodcast 3 жыл бұрын

yah try this course/support group: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope

@jenna.w.9041 3 жыл бұрын

I am only 2 1/2 weeks into this BS. I don’t know that I can make another 2+ years of this

@ramuntshiwindstonenndavhel9904 Жыл бұрын

Thanks Thank you!!!

@amandacarlile8976 4 жыл бұрын

My d day was in October though the affair my sons father had ended before that, but I cannot get over the fact it was during my first pregnancy that he was unfaithful. I cannot get over the fact he told her if things were different he would have been with her while I was at home pregnant and alone, needing him more than she needed him. He wants to make things work with me and doesn't talk to his affair partner who he works with, but it's hard for me to handle him working at the same place he met his affair partner especially since she still works there also. He worked 16+ hour shifts yet still found time to cheat after his shifts in Alaska, so I cannot help but feel horrible he's back there. I just feel confused more than anything as I'm so afraid of looking a fool to give things a chance after everything. What do I do? I just feel scared and confused.

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

it's normal. all of what you're feeling is normal and painful and i'm terribly sorry. what are you doing for your own healing and your own self care? have you looked at our programs? you can do them online even from alaska: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses it's vital you get the support and healing YOU need for your own welfare and quality of life.

@christinewarren8134 4 жыл бұрын

Sadly my ex had a affair with a person at work. It also produced a child. He claimed he never cared about her and deny the baby. As soom as I left him, he went straight to her. This was 2 years ago. They are still together. I have to co parent my child with him and the kids (hers and mine are 6 mons apart) I am not sure how you know for sure he is not talking to AP anymore, but i would not!!!!! Try to salvage this. You will be dragged along as a option. I am not being mean. I am being raw. You deserve better.

@stephanie579 8 ай бұрын

Oct 24th my husband told me he has been seeing someone at his work for 2 yrs … during his affair he neglected me, our kids, our house, friends and his family … he wanted to leave me for her when I told him to leave and be with her he left but I guess the fantasy feeling was gone because now I’m the one he wants … he still works where she works and this is a deal breaker for me but he is refusing to transfer … we are co-habituating and started therapy but I am struggling so much … I am going to start seeing a therapist on my own as well as couples therapy … I am so sorry your going through this 😟😟 this deep devastation is horrible and I hope you find peace and eventually happiness

@savinyours 4 жыл бұрын

Any suggestions for how to stop wanting explanations and details of the affair? I am the betrayed who walked in on my spouse and the affair partner. I feel like I have never gotten the full truth. I just want to confirm so many things.

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

without full and total disclosure it's hard to heal. i'm incredibly sorry for your pain and trauma. that's awful and i know you know that. i would consult an expert in emdr or ett for trauma care asap.

@user-um2zb3lh1y 5 ай бұрын

Been married 44yrs he has had an affair for 10yrs it broke me it was someone at work I had that gute feeling something was going on but kept dismissing it I was having a bad time during the menopause and kept blaming my self it is really hard

@dcwalk12 4 жыл бұрын

Interesting in some of your conversations you've stated the unfaithful say we didn't get them and the other person did, also they were in control of the infidelities can you please give me some insight on how this is so. Dee

@davidalba8880 Жыл бұрын

Patience runs thin sometimes and it gets very hard to stay open and safe… sometimes I feel tired or beat up and I try to be there for my wife and control my feelings, just to explode in judgement. How can I be there for her?

@ricca7111 4 жыл бұрын

Did you say whew chile!!! LOL!!!!

@tree3424 4 жыл бұрын

Sometimes I wish I didn't know as much as I do. I thought we were getting along fine but according to the text messages he sent her, I'm a bitch, hard to live with, his life is a nightmare, he doesn't love me, he loves her. His time with me when he is away from her is unbearable. And on and on and on. It's gut-wrenching. He texted this to her while we're sitting together on the couch. WTH? I don't see how I will ever recover from that.

@teimaalakubyela2954 4 жыл бұрын

I understand what you are going through. You can't make him love You, but you can love yourself enough to live for you. Find things that keeps you busy.

@scottblevins3148 3 жыл бұрын

I wish I couldn't relate. Know that it's he who is broken, not you even though it probably doesn't feel that way. It doesn't make us betrayed perfect, but know that his behavior and choices says more about him than you. Focusing on my own self care and healing has helped. All the best!

@decembermissouri3545 3 жыл бұрын

Same thing happened to me.my husband bad mouthed me in our place same adjectives trying to cover up their double betrayal.they were able to hide their scandolous affair for 10-12 years behind my back.i felt so stupid,naive & felt like I'm going to puke thinking those moments the 3 of us are together

@dan-lansingmi9169 2 жыл бұрын

@@decembermissouri3545 I was in same situation as you. My wife had an affair with her boss for 7 years. While I suspected I knew she would just lie which she did when I finally confronted her. Then she confessed with our Pastor in his office 1 month later. I felt I had to stay in marriage for the small children. Without children I say Get out of marriage and move forward. It is waste of time building a marriage back up.

@dan-lansingmi9169 2 жыл бұрын

@Welcome's House do you have children? So sorry for your situation.

@CC-mn6eu 3 жыл бұрын

My partner of 12 years had an affair with his ex-wife last year (they had already divorced when we met). I tried to share info from your excellent site when he said he wanted to recover Us....he went back to his ex-wife in July 😣

@melonyanderson6847 2 жыл бұрын

It would help if my husband had empathy with me he betrayed me

@donnalupton2524 2 жыл бұрын

I’m currently going though losing my son getting back with my unfaithful spouse. Had a new revelation and now back to square one. How do I fix this? Can it be fixed?

@andrewwilson5015 4 жыл бұрын

Thanks for this. My question though is do the needs of both the betrayed and the betrayer need to be met or is it just the needs of the betrayed? Is it just a one way street or does it need to go both ways?

@samshealingpodcast 4 жыл бұрын

both need to be met as long as both are reasonable. however, early on, it's vital the betrayed feel safe and cared for and their needs met since they are the victim. they are also in so much pain it's hard to have many expectations at all for them minus of course the fact that violence or abuse isn't acceptable etc. it goes both ways down the road, but the betrayed needs to be a priority early on and helping them feel safe and helping them get to a place where they are not so reactive is key.

@shellykraft1337 2 жыл бұрын

So what you are saying if there is childhood trauma then it’s worse ? I’m not understanding

@samshealingpodcast 2 жыл бұрын

if there is childhood trauma, you have to also address that trauma in order to work through the layers of healing that is necessary.

@user-tl3vu6ne6t 8 ай бұрын

Our marriage counselor says I've got to focus my energies into helping my unfaithful spouse, who had a 10 year affair and then lied and gaslighted for 18 years after the affair ended, to recover and eventually my spouse can start trying to be an attentive and loving man and help me work through the betrayal. My needs still don't matter. I'm shattered.