I’m curious if you ever got an answer in the last 8 years?

@@bobbycox2687 NOPE! Nothin 😏 Now divorced. No empathy will destroy relationships!

when there is no empathy, you probably are in a relationship with a narcissist and they will use your attempts against you

@@roxanahaloiu6757 What kind of attempts? What do you mean by "attempts"?

@@roxanahaloiu6757 i can relate with you. Their empathy bucket is 0%

People feel most connected whe they feel heard. They feel most loved, when they feel connected. If she feels heard she will want commited longterm relationsip and also offer him listening. The same is with customers. If they feel heard, they always come back. They see a genuine interest. Woman feels loved the most, when she feels heard, therefore she is inspired to listen.....because she realizes on the other side of phone isnt just some "artificial robot" If man feels heard he feels loved the most. If their kids feel heard, they will listen because they feel loved and it inspires them to share ideas. "fake nice men" seek short term pleasure, or approval, from customers or wife, without listening. They probably are not bad men but they are most likely addicted to dopamine hit because "short term" pleasure gives much more dopamine and much faster, than "love and intimacy".... .because love and intimacy in sex connection" gives except dopamine also other hormones, like serotonin, oxytocin...there are much more pleasure happy chemicals during genuine sex love and intimacy. Plus genuine loving sex is better, because when woman is in love with a man, she wants to cook for her husband.....so the dopamine is very slow, but from different sources as hobbies, connection sports, so it requires to poractic e aptience, and not wanting short term pleasure all the time. so he gets slowly the dopamine, because he isnt "hustling" so much but its actually better, because he gets healthy connection with people. and he may go on picnic with kids so he gets the dopamine slowly not so fast, but from differents sources as playing footbal or playing with kids. "genuine nice men" offer listening and communication and mutual respect. You seek a genuine partner but make sure when they offer genuine listening, or genuine texts that you are able to share a genuine ideas, so they see your true personality, so they react to your genuine personality, not to "a fantasy" self. (the fantasy of some tv show) only then you realize you have connection, because they react to your true personality, and you react to their true personality. Maybe humor is also a good indicator that the person is genuinelly interested, that isnt looking for a perfect answer all the time. So first listen to your thoughts, without judgment. It gives you love and empathy from yourself and to change some habits. because when you dont judge yourself you change habits much more easily. and then you are able to listen other people, so they feel heard, loved and happy and maybe they notice not just their flaws but also the good qualities about themselves. they see that you dont judge their flaws, or that they dont judge your falws because often flaws can be short term thing and people learn new things.

I agree with this.

That sounds like a tough situation, know that you're not alone. Unfortunately, social media & this platform are not a replacement for individualized support. We would encourage you to find a counselor or therapist who can help you find a solution for you and your wife. Try checking the GottmanReferralNetwork.com to find certified Gottman therapists in your area.

That’s exactly how I deal with every single day with my insufferable husband! He disputes and denies EVERYTHING even though he knows I’m telling the truth, but he just doesn’t want to take any responsibility. He doesn’t think it’s possible that he could do anything wrong, even when he knows he’s wrong! He’s extremely defensive about every single thing you say to him and argues and disputes everything you say to him that isn’t a praise.

@@TheGottmanInstitutewe did have a counselor. He just looks hopelessly at the counselor, as if to say, “I don’t know what to say. I don’t remember any of this.” I would be polite and careful and mom-accusatory, and would ask him for input and wait quietly., but we’d get home and he’d say I was yelling and wouldn’t let him get a word in.

deemahdee say goodbye to this being applicable to NPD person.... They lack empathy and operate from ego.

Run. You will always be in millions debt and your credit and name will be total crap to everyone they know. They are not on your side. You are now their competition. And trust me if you try to compete with their level of evil, you will lose.

scientific psychology = soul omitted. How to build trust? Be trustworthy💜

​​@@dragonstaye4557 "Scientific psychology= soul omitted" How do you figure that? Yes if you want a trusting relationship be trustworthy. But also? psychological research concerning relationships looks at *how* to do that effectively. What are the little moments in which people do that effectively, even when it's hard? Researching questions like these has value.

Perhaps you don't realize the depths of the hurt you cause. Indeed, not fair at all. Being so hurt and then trying to make things work and then been accused of 'keeping score'. Really, your empathy levels are probably Way Too Low.

@@gardenjoy5223 how do you measure empathy levels? How do I know if someone is hurt or only says so?

@@ottifantiwaalkes9289 From my experience, you can never know for sure. It all boils down to trust. Do you trust that person enough to believe them when they say they've been hurt? And if that person is usually honest and doesn't have manipulative tendencies then I suggest you should trust them and be genuinely curious about the reason why they felt hurt, even though it might seem silly to you. I would also suggest you shift your perspective from this cold and overly-rational "How can I quantify it? How can I know that they are telling the truth?" to a more empathetic perspective. First acknowledge their hurt: "Hmm, maybe this really did hurt you. I'm sorry I have made you feel this way" (this is NOT an apology for doing something wrong, but a genuine feeling of regret that the person you love was not happy and feeling hurt). A simple sentence like this can work miracles, because it is as if you were saying "I believe you and you have the right to feel your feelings, and, even though it was not my intention to hurt you, I still feel sorry you ended up feeling like this, because I love you and I want you to be happy". Now they should be feeling a little better already, which means they will be less likely to phrase things in a critical way. The next step is to ask them "What would you want me to do (perhaps differently) so that you won't feel hurt anymore?". And from now on, it's a negotiation. If what they are asking for would mean you had to make a sacrifice, then you are not obligated to do it. But you should, nevertheless, be transparent about it and tell the other person "I am sorry, I really care about you, but I cannot do this, because it would be too great of a sacrifice for me.". Sometimes, you will be able to give the person what they want, and sometimes not. And in that case, they might decide to settle for what you can offer or decide that they really need that and thus leave. But in the end, this is the best outcome for everyone involved, because keeping someone by your side for you own happiness, even though they are miserable and unfulfilled is just cruel and selfish and the total opposite of love.

@@ottifantiwaalkes9289 Alas, that is about as easy to explain as colors to a color blind person! If you by now don't know these things, you might find some improvement under the guidance of a skilled psychologist. Start by looking for videos and books on the topic. You'll never be good at it, but you might get around in the world better. Rule of thumb, but very grossly, would be, that if you would be on the receiving end of certain behavior, would you then appreciate it? Or would you feel uncomfortable, or even rejected or humiliated? But women feel things quite differently then men, usually. Empahty enables you to feel with the other person. So, if another person is genuinely happy, you are happy for and with them. And when another person is scared, you'd feel the want to do something about the cause of the fear. If someone is crying, you'd want to comfort the person and reassure the person, that she's not alone and that together we will get through. If someone is bereft, empathy knows when to just hold a hand and say how awful it is and just be there, reaching out handkerchiefs. It's a matter of a kind and good heart, that genuinely desires to see love, joy and peace in the world and will most certainly do its part to help achieve that more. It even works towards animals: when you see an animal in danger, you immediately come to its aid. Anyone indifferent lacks a proper amount of empathy.

@gardenjoy5223 I think the depth of the hurt I caused i will actually never know nor understand. There are many other factors involved here. Even if I had a chance, the level of hurt and actual tolerance is different for each person. If a person expresses very deep hurt 8-10, but it perhaps is on a 1-3 for most other people. The person is hurt very easy. I would not be willing to walk on eggshells. Some people do not mind the hurt so much some others do. Some people understand my perhaps hurt of 1-3 is taken as a 10. I think you have simplified the whole thing outside of actual reality. We all live in a relativ world.

You are likely referring to a woman traumatized now with ptsd.

Woman keep score

You obviously think you know better than John Gottman since you are contradicting what he's saying. You should start a podcast where you're correcting his mistakes. Wouldn't want people to blindly believe him just because he is a respected researcher and has decades of experience behind what he's saying.

@@BabyPrincess687 he has a point of view and so have i. As long as people think the female is known to be and bring chaos. A person that can turn a compliment into an argument.... As much as he suggests we do this or that he does seem to not consider how well it works for him. Meaning. See I would not want to walk in his broken in and now very comfortable shoes for I have already done the same and do have very comfortable shoes myself. He seems to suggest that his shoes will fit all.

@@BabyPrincess687 and no I should not at all do what you say I should do. I really should do what I think I should do.

What do you mean.

Stereotyping much?

@@gardenjoy5223 Its only a stereotype due to the underlying truth.

@@neohermitist Sure glad I don't live in your hood.

@@neohermitist BS.