This is quite possibly the most brilliant and eye-opening information I've ever heard about narcissistic abuse. I can't thank you enough for it.

Just because I see your wounded child, doesn’t mean I have to put up with your bad treatment and behaviour. My integrated moment.

Just want to say to survivors who often feel ashamed for having been victimized: think about what you went through, and think that you survived it! You didn't lose your mind, no, you made it out! Think of the strength that takes, and think that you had that strength!

This is extremely important for anyone going through this. I'm a little further on in my recovery to be able to say that, this splitting, where we have the memories of the aggressive, vengeful, evil narcissist on one side... and the helpless, victim, little child looking for us to parent them on the other. You dont need to understand how these two extremes are actually the same person. Just accept that they are the one person. The clue to understanding this is that you're confused. And rightly so. These people have a massive hole in the middle of their soul where empathy should live. This is the split you're trying to understand. Accept that they are not whole. Let the knowledge of this hole in their soul be the glue that holds these two extremes you desperately seek to put together. You will heal. 💚

I was with a narcissist for seven or eight years who always just played the victim. I fell for it for a long time. I was drained physically, emotionally and financially. Never again!

I escaped 3 months ago. And the trauma bond is finally broken. It will take me years to recover. I watch these because I find it so fascinating that I found myself with some one so cruel but so oblivious to it.

If you're experiencing anything that you suspect to be Narcissistic Abuse, please listen carefully to this video from Richard. I was locked in for 23, deep years. It was a traumatic single event that caused me to reintegrate the two memories of my Wife and it's important to know that you could make the choice to sit down and integrate those memories yourself (without waiting for a traumatic event). Trust me, Richard is speaking very deep truths in this video!

I have never left a comment but this is just amazing. I’m literally in tears. You nailed it. That’s why I always think I’m losing my mind between feeling angry & feeling sorry… and I haven’t been able to leave as everything is constantly blurred in my head. And the ‘vampire ´ scenario ? Oh my, totally true… thank YOU

“Who had the gap? Is it you or is it them?” We should revisit every case of schizophrenic as a possible recipient of prolonged covert abuse.

Yes I realized that too many years ago. As soon as I merged my views of them, forced myself to remember the bad, the draw disappeared.

40nyears of that , my mother was terrible...I went no contact after I asked me the question: if a stranger would treat you like shes does, would you accept it? NO...so I decided that I had enough....and it caused a cognitive dissonance becaused part of me love that woman whila another part just hate her....

Once I realised that it was performative, a manipulation to coerce me into what ever bullshit state of his was on top in any given moment, I started training myself to rigorously remain self regulated in the face of it (the emotional literacy exercises were my starting point, so thank you for that Richard! 💪❤️). It took me five whole years to safely get myself out, but I did it. I’m finally fecking free, and a MUCH stronger and wiser version of myself because of it. Never again will I be in relationship though, as I’m not convinced that I could trust myself to not get hooked again. It’s safer, kinder and more life enhancing for myself to now remain single for the rest of.

Yes!!!! You have to make a list of every behavior so you can see them as a whole. You will see: A hot mess. Now run!!!

44 years under my mothers spell. My dad suffered a nervous breakdown at 85, which is my wake-up call. He’s starving himself and it’s heart breaking

Lack of integration of memory is a great point.

I cannot understand how the sadistic traits can be viewed as a defense. They can make bad things happen to you and pretend it was an accident.

This is EXACTLY what my life was. It is probably the best description and summary of what happens to you in a narcissistic relationship. I was married to my husband for 30 years and I’m finally free.

A simple "trick" I took away from a personal development retreat is to replace BUT by AND = they’re like this AND like that. Changes the narrative and makes it "easier" to quit and not go back / let them back in. Words have true power!

I call it Jekyll and Hyde. Holy crap it's mind boggling how they switch emotions off.

I really needed to hear this,i got with my soon ex husband in 2011, lost my son in 2014, i was diagnosed with ptsd, ive been lied to,manipulated & abused by my FAKE husband for 12 years. This explains a lot about why I stayed just for him to brutally discard me for the secretary from his work. The divorce process is also a nightmare

A cry bully

The landmines are always moving

Thank you Richard, I don't leave comments often, but this video compels me too. It's not just unbelievably insightful and well articulated but said in a very earthy and humorous way that doesn't put you above us, but with us. This is a very validating video. I felt so understood. I've saved it as a video to revisit and to show to my children, as proof or explanation of what happened. I left after 11 years. I lost all interest in caring for the "small helpless little boy" and realized and recognized the actual "aggressive, abusive, insulting monster" was the real story, the real person and was not going to, had no intention, of changing.

That lack of integration makes a lot of sense. And not even just in the current tense - remembering. You're accessing one memory bank or another at any given time, leaving your memories confused, and it's impossible to come to a clear, unwavering conclusion.

I realized that my ex husband was two people. It took me a couple years of being away from him to really finally get it. It’s very painful when you have this epiphany and also a relief to finally make sense of the crazy.

There’s one part of the process I think you need to complete the picture: The conditioning part where you actually succeed in comforting “the little child”. The “I feel safe with you” thing. This is essential for making the partner believing that it’s possible and hence by inference that it’s their own fault every next time some minor dissatisfaction or disagreement turns into rage and then discard.

They are both. No one becomes a narcissist without some form of consistent, pervasive abuse of some kind and of course they can often be bullies as well.

I can totally relate to this and when its family its so confusing ..this is such a wake up call for many of us ..thank you for this wisdom and observations .I find the hardest thing is when the Narcissist gets others to work alongside them ,I call them the dancing monkeys ,the Narcissist has to have a best friend and a worse enemy and too soon You become the enemy if you do not give the supply they need at any given time ...I will watch this again its so spot on I need to have This memory ...Thanks .

I just wanted to add, this is what I was describing to my therapist. I also think narcissistic abuse erases memory in addition to this- it’s been three years into my journey healing from my family. From when I was young, every time I reported abuse I was told I didn’t remember things correctly. Over time, I also started to question my memory and “over write” what happened. It was so bad that one time my father punched me over me refusing to send my older sister money (she often asked me for huge amounts that it turns out she never needed, she would go on shopping sprees and I was saving it for college) I remember going back and forth with myself and even hearing my own voice say “that’s not what happened, you just don’t remember it correctly” the only thing that reminded me that I wasn’t tripping was the pain and swelling in my jaw. It took a few more years until I was financially stable and in a new city…guess what…I’ve started getting more and more of my memories back. And so much of my feelings and behaviours that had been stripped of context came back slowly by slowly. I still get new memories every other day and it’s great to know my life wasn’t a blur that I rose from 3 years ago. I feel like a person again.

I went through a period where I had Aphasia, like someone who had suffered a stroke. I went for an MRI. Nothing was found. This explains everything about what I had gone through! Thank you, Richard!!❤

Richard, you also get people who enable their behavior and that can make it worse. Not only is it happening to you, but now you have someone confirming that it's perfectly okay for them to act that way. Doubling the dose. I am working on my recovery. I love this video. Very meaningful!

Narcissist : Bully🔻Victim🔺Rescuer ~ hit repeat. ♻️ Then there's the bystanders 😶...

23 years done , it was like being a prisoner of war ,torture . Not only the physical violence ,the abusive mind games . I got out alive , just . I lost everything we had together. Starting my whole life from scratch.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have said I could be sat with one person on the sofa, gone to the kitchen, come back and sat down with a completely different person! My therapist said a Narc’s personality is unstable, now I fully understand how!! I’ve spent 18 months researching this 🙈

This is all so accurate and scary as heck. Sadly this is my son. Hes 20 now but he goes from calling me names to making me feel guilty for things that happened years ago. He smashes my things when he gets in a rage and says he wants me dead. All ive ever done is love and care for him and never said a bad thing to him. It hurts so much that hes at his grandparents now and i feel the only answer is anti psychotic medicine which he refused to take because he thinks hes ok and everyone else is the problem 😢

Imagine living with twins (one is broken, victim, scapegoat) the other is strong, competent, married), both have split personality??? X

Holy Split second!!😬 My life past 47 yrs. Finally went no contact, 30 days ago. Your videos are spot on! Thank you!! I took a huge breath yesterday, and said a prayer. Side note, my 3 adult children asked me, many yrs ago, if their mom had multiple personalities??😮 wow. Wow wow.

Wtf! I just looked up dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia this morning! You making this video is so much confirmation for me that I know what’s happening and why I feel stuck! In all my life, I have NEVER allowed any form of disrespect, nvm abuse, so I couldn’t figure out why I was still going back to that abusive environment and suffering…now I know.

This perfectly explains the formation of the fearful-avoidant attachment style when developed in childhood from parental narcissistic abuse.

Cruel, Victim, Self Loathing. (and the third one gives me a bit of a chuckle sometimes)

That was depressing. Informative, thank you, and depressing. I have a 13 year old stepdaughter that has been suffering her narcissistic mother's abuse for years. She came so close to leaving her and something flipped. She failed to tell CPS the truth about an incident where her mother threatened suicide and then flipped it on her daughter trying to gaslight her and threatening to put her in a mental institution. Daughter wanted out of the situation, we were looking for attorneys. A couple of days went by without the mother allowing contact and then the daughter said she wanted to stay. She has been distant ever since. Dark tragedy. We already went to court once and the mother manipulated everyone. It's like the universe is telling us to stop. She had a way out and chose to stay. There's no record of the incident because she chose not to tell the truth so they closed the case with no findings. Hoping she finds the strength and clarity to choose to get out when she turns 18. Her mother is currently love bombing her like crazy.

Omgosh this was one of the best articulated pieces I've ever heard! You get a standing Ovation for this one! This just totally blew my mind! Especially what you said at the end! I've been describing my pile of gray rocked/ door slammed individuals first as my narcissistic mother but mostly as soulless emotional vampires. That were sucking the emotional life force out of me my entire life! Its like they loved sucking on the tears/ fear as i cried. These are very dangerous individuals! The last one gave me a blunt head trauma, stabbed me in two different places, beat me with a lead pipe across my lower back and a upright vacuum across my left shoulder. I've had to quite literally grab what little belongings I could and run for my life! Leaving behind mutual friends , family, changing my location, Phone number, ect .and everything about myself. I've done this so many times now that I've been in isolation for like 4 years and getting therapy once a week but over zoom because I don't want to leave my house. I Feel like I'm afraid of my own shadow! Afraid to go out into the light. Scratching my head at how to rebuild and get these past spider webs off of me at the age of 53. I'd like to be the main character and star in my own life movie. I am a INFJ personality and have way way to much empathy. I describe myself now as my people picker being broken! So I'm afraid to even let people get to close to me and am unwinding the "freeze" rubber band that has had me bound and silenced "totally a deer in headlights"since my childhood. Therapy helped for a short time and allowed me to get back the proper fight or flight response. I feel like these soulless wonders search for people with a lot of empathy and prey on them. I also feel the world currently needs the empaths to step out of the shadows and let there beautiful souls feel the warmth of the sunshine. We should be spreading the very soul essences and gifts we were born with and have to offer the 🌎 world.. That these emotional vampires were feeding on. Of coarse,after making ourselves whole again and doing a lot of work on healthy boundaries. This was so spot on to my life. Seriously I think you should win some kind of award for this. Bravo!!!! Oh and sorry I know I just totally over shared but this gives me hope at exposing these people and hopefully figuring out ways to identify them as early as possible. Also getting this information out to child with safe havens where they can flee too once they have uncovered a narcissistic parent. Thank you so much and I will be binge watching 👀 more of your content. God Bless anyone who is stuck in this dynamic. Please you must set yourselves free... These people are trying to kill you emotionally, spiritually and physically.. Much love and wellness to all...

Now I understand why my husband tells me and everyone he meets the same stories about his past over and over. Wow!

YES! Thank goodness for EMDR trauma therapy and your emotional literacy course! They helped to put ME back into the present. First 50 years of my life bouncing back and forth between righteous anger toward my father’s rages and guilt at his seeming vulnerability. Then another 24 years with the ex-partner (30 lived with him, some years overlapping my life with my father), and I was able to RECOGNIZE the two parts of his personality and integrate them in my mind. When I saw the ex-partner’s bullying as temper tantrums and his vulnerability as manipulation, I saw them both as if he were a child. I could grin (inside my mind, because a physically large man is dangerous) and not relent in the holding of my boundaries. The guilt I felt disappeared, when I saw the childish manipulation for what it was. Over 6.5 years away from him and again in therapy in order to remain PRESENT to my life, I see that my father’s label of my mother as a “schizophrenic” was correct, from your outline of how dissociation takes place. Thank you for clarifying the healing process.

I am at 20 years now and I’m done. I’ve already emotionally detached and I’ve exited the shared fantasy. Sam was right that once you mortify the narcissist they won’t hoover you. This is the strangest thing I’ve experienced even more than the double person ridiculousness. He doesn’t know what to do now but he knows he can’t communicate with me since I don’t participate in any of the manipulation tactics he does to get me to react. There is no more reaction and his almost dumbfounded. But I don’t know what’s next or how he’ll act being mortified like this. He’s an aggressive retaliator who has no sense of moral or ethical boundaries he should adhere to, no standards. So anything is possible here, everything is on the table. I hope he just goes away and stays gone, but his mother doesn’t let him not attack and fight me. She’s a horrible person that enables his physical violence towards me. I don’t know if he’s so mortified that he’ll ignore her or not.

The vampire metaphor came up and slapped me in the face. Dude. Wow. The anchors keeping me attached to these black holes were my compassion and guilt of not helping them. BUT you said they are already dead, not cognitively, but instinctively, pulling you down into the lake of the dead with the remnant muscle memory left in their soulless forms. I think you just saved my life.

One of those personalities is to keep you thinking the narcissist is nice now or has changed for the better, so you let your guard down with them. Then, what feels like a millisecond later, the narcissist goes back to acting like a child and creating arguments out of a normal and calm conversation. Its so exhausting.

Nailed it Richard - like a game of table tennis, pinging between two different people in the same shell. Thanks.

Thank you so much, for the most accurate description of what I have been experiencing throughout my marriage to a covert narcissist. The interplay of these different personalities you have to manage in them truly makes you question if you’re the crazy one. It is a trap without compare.

This is essential for those who (thanks to you, Dr. Grannon)- once concluded that they are with a bullying narc, but then decided that they aren't, based on the softer/victim side... the disorientation and dissociation is sadly so real. Knowing that this is a distinct pattern (that has unfortunately occurred for many others) helps me see the true reality.

THIS IS IT!!! Thank You! I have to buy your course, because I believe you truly understand what I'm going through. The guilt is overwhelming😢. I want out of the insanity. Jesus help me, enough is enough. My life needs normalcy.

Its so natural to try to understand people...its good to know what isnt normal. That so much effort to reach someone during their nice times is fruitless.

The emotional literacy exercises were immensely helpful for integration. Revisiting the work has also been beneficial even after the trauma bond.

This description is absolutely perfect for what I saw in my covert narcissist mother and I fell for a narcissist who did the same and I was trapped in a trauma bonding situation and I eventually split into bipolar disorder. I ended up in the nuthouse not them. They should have been locked up not me. They were unbelievably abusive . The trauma in me was horrendous because I was the scapegoat of the family. I had a hateful mother who had also her golden children who she adored and despised me. You always get pulled in because the victim poor me child would show up and you felt you had to rescue them. Because they are seriously injured children you just want to comfort if you are the empath

My twin sister has this split. In spiritual language, I call it a fractured soul. The soul is mind, will, emotions. The split pieces are partnered with the enemy. The person switches like a chameleon as needed. But they don't let their guard down no matter who it is.

Great take. I agree regarding dissociation and the trauma bond explanation. It explains why people that are partly aholes are more dangerous than full blown aholes (enablers: they have their good sides; nobody is perfect), because the latter do not cause this split. I too think such abuse can cause Structural Dissociation - a somewhat new concept that brings PTSD, partial DID and DID onto a continuum, and is researched by Prof. Schlumpf in Switzerland for the neurological bases using MRI. I think that a lot of our civilization suffered from such dynamics of abuse and split and abuse again. And we can watch insanity live today when it comes to USA or Russia. Unfortunately, our civilization has embraced such highly disturbed individuals in a lot of leadership positions because of their alleged merit, neglecting the long term costs. Not just at nation leader level, but companies to local clubs.

Woah- I had a massive Tetris addiction for a few months when I was 19

THIS!! 🥳Thank you Richie. I rarely comment due to shy feelings. Perfect timing as I just called upon Ma Kali to burn away the internal split and the abuser, so I can move beyond the grip of my unhealthy father. He sexually abused me 49 years ago. 49 years of gaslighting (of parents and 13 of whole family and myself) (Yes I was an infant.) And all the way up-to yesterday. Probs will buy another course just to help tie up the loose ends in my brain into a nice pretty 🎀The energy has always leaked out somehow when I am around him. I forgave him a long time ago. But unfortunately we “forget/diminish” the split. We appreciate you. (I see how you put your neck out to continue to support all of us.) Say hi to Danny… 🙌✨

That’s wonderful. Sounds like you just described borderline personality disorder 🤔 So mental and emotional abuse over time not only effects and damages the hypothalamus, but also the hippocampus? So is there a part of the brain that it doesn’t affect and damage? This pisses me off I didn’t learn this in high school…bruises heal a lot faster than trying to healing fibromyalgia and “brain damage” damit 🥵

Thanks Richard, after listening to so many different angles on breaking the trauma bond, you have given me the key! I now, am so much better equipped to let her go. Eleven days left to our court date, and after dozens of weeks of seriously reconsidering going back, I now know that the key is to integrate the separately stored memories! 7 yrs of trauma, and I still could not let her go! Now I can! Good on you!

I always wondered why I can't remember things properly and always get brainfog when trying. It's a very helpful explanation, which resonates strongly with me! Thank you very much, Mr. Grannon!

And it is his vulnerable inner child I still emphatize with a lot (4 years of no contact)

Thank you for explaining this!!! After 40 years, I was soo confused about how to respond to whatever he showed up being. Is being angry ok, what’s appropriate ?? Of course how ever I responded was wrong!! Got out of that finally. I’m now dealing with a sister that’s like this, it’s exhausting!! The bullying & punishment , grudge holding is really difficult. More lessons to be learned!!

I went through this for 15 years wondering what i could've done better and slowly losing my identity.

It's a very unfortunate state that invokes in me a mixture of both pity and disgust, as if they were suffering from some kind of psychic leprosy ...

The most confusing shit ever. I’m 2 weeks out of a marriage to one of these after 5 years. And she’s the daughter of a billionaire- made it way worse. I’m exhausted, just hope our daughter doesn’t go through it. Thanks for the video.

This is exactly how I separated the bad and the good. Why didn't I leave him? Because I projected hope that he was more good than bad. I came upon a video that explained Radical Acceptance. I always passed it up because I knew that the reality, which I avoided for years, would be the beginning of the pain I would go through while I had to let go of everything I didn't want to face, him. He is what his actions tell me and not the words he wants me to hear.

XX This is one of the best and most helpful videos you have made. My mom is like this. I think she has made me feel emotionally unbalanced my whole life because she goes back and forth. She is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.

You just explained everything in such a comprehensive way…it’s something we can clearly understand and grasp. Blood sucking, draining, bound to control. The physical toll and mental grinding down on your soul leaves you feeling hopeless and anxious. Richard, you have a way to getting through unlike many other “experts” - thank you 🙏

International Narcissistic Abuse Awareness day , June 1st

Thank you for this video. This is exactly where I am at... on one hand, I am deeply afraid of him - due to his threats, harassment, blackmail, scheming, etc. But on the other hand, I feel terribly guilty for leaving a little wounded boy who is full of shame and self-hate. UGH.

My wife has had to navigate this with her mom for now 55yrs. This is the first post that we have ever seen that helps to explain my MIL’s NPD behavior TO A TEE. Thank you so much. It’s like you’re in the room, decoding the behavior, and the gaslighting madness that comes with it that we have blamed ourselves wrongly for. To try to explain it to others, they think we are the ones that are nuts. Now my MIL has dementia. Imagine someone with wicked NPD who now has dementia. Would LOVE you to share a post on THAT comorbidity situation. It’s at the next level. Please consider doing that one as a video.

It's really interesting, I've been describing living with my spouse as living with 2 or 3 ppl at the same time, and yet there's only him, and I've watched him switch from bully to little boy victim in a split second. So when he shows up as a little broken child, I remind myself what a bastard he really is. And I this way I do lose sight of the vampire he is.

Omg this makes so much sense, like that is what I lived. I've been integrating the memory but not understanding why I felt so stuck, confused and constantly stuck in a puzzle. Like not know in the answer but daily trying to figure it out was exhausting me to a death.

You are spot on. After 39 years of marriage your explanation of everything including the ending about being afraid of people is exactly what was happening. This entire disorder is one big mind f**k.

It feels to me that what we see from the narc is actually them reflection.

Wow Richard although this was recorded 8months ago it only popped up on my feed today. I left my 45 year abusive marriage almost a year ago. He has full blown malignant but vulnerable NPD but I knew nothing about NPD until about 6months before I left. My daughter told me to look it up and I knew I had to leave. I had all the plans in place. Then he got diagnosed with cancer and the other side to NPD kicked in as did my response to it. Once he knew he was cured, Mr Nasty came back and my other side kicked in in response. Then I fled for my safety. He is in prison for breaking restraining orders but now I cannot break the trauma bond and your video has shown me why. I separate the abuse and nastiness and my response to it, from the vulnerability and wanting to look after him response. I need to work on marrying the 2 together otherwise he will be in my head forever and I can't move on. I' m having therapy via Women's Aid doing the Power to Change course. Now I know what the problem is maybe I'll have more success. Thank you.

Great video Richard thank you, I think you're spot on!! ❤❤❤👍 it certainly is like dealing with 2 people, and it certainly does end up splitting 'us' into 2 people. That in itself is horribly bad for our mental health.

Tianeptine - not approved in US for depression- actually helps regrow hippocampus and heal/integrate amygdala!

Emotional Literacy WORKS! And it’s free. And quite honestly it should be practiced for the rest of our lives when needed (which I haven’t done). It allows you to acknowledge for yourself that yes, that made me feel this, this and this. I believe doing this lead me, allowed me to have a dark night of the soul, which we must do to heal (more than just once), because it’s not something that you can voluntarily do. We can’t book in a time and date and say, “Tonight, I will go into the darkness.” So for this reason alone, Emotional Literacy can sort of speed up some healing and relief. It’s logical, it’s effective.

Yeah makes sense,my parents have narcissistic trades.I'm in my 40's and "the being victim and predator" as blaming the whole world or be angry and nothing inbetween that's them.And yes I used to do that too,bc I didn't know any better ,I remember thinking wtf why am I still so exhausted,I'm I normal and how/why do my friends stay so calm all the time?!😅

I visited an energy healer after leaving the Narcissist, he left so much of his energy in my body, she saw he was a tin man living a double life. Anyone who lives a double life has no heart and soul connection with either personality. There may have been dependency, but never love. I was able to see his control in my body, although I resisted it, and it takes awhile to clear. The energy field of a Narcissist is full of hooks, the love bombing pulls you in, which turns into gaslighting, blame and abuse. I didn’t even feel like myself after living with him for 18 months. I did need to stay that long so I would never be tempted to go back. I am back to myself after 2 years, dreams of him show up less and less ( I am usually closing the door on him in my dreams) back to feeling joy, comfortable in my own body, my energy and clarity has returned. Find your light again, it is still there.

Thank you! What a critical piece of the puzzle that I needed to understand. I have literally been free over 5 years (after 30 years “entombed” deeper and deeper) but only just this month have built the discipline of keeping my window blinds open during the day. It has felt too vulnerable before. And embracing my new future has been very difficult. But this paradigm makes perfect sense! Yay!!

Thank you from the bottom of my torned heart for putting this schizophrenic experience into a fathomable context. I´ve just left a narcissistic trauma bonded relationship after 14 years in hell. And I have finally realized that the devil and prince charming was the same person. I´m doing my very best to look at myself as an extremely strong woman instead of a stupid and fooled one.

YOUR A GENIUS. WISH ID KNOWN THIS 4 YEARS AGO. HE WOULD SAY I WAS SCITZOID AND HE COULD FORCE ME TO SWITCH PERSONALITIES AT WILL. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. THATS ENOUGH TO BREAK THAT TRAUMA BOND. THANK YOU RICHARD

Very correct. Therapy should be compulsory prescribed by GP. So they do less damage.

In my experience growing up and living around two narcissists and an enabler, I get ganged up on a lot in my family. Its like they want to make me feel like Im going crazy so they wont get figured out. Its really nasty and when Im living on my own, Im going no contact. They will never change and Im not going to be their punching bag for all of their toxic behaviors and verbal abuse.

Very true. I tried to counsel and help a victim of narcissistic abuse and they behaved in the same way. I then did not understand why they behaved this way. Now I do.

Way to go Richard I listen to you often you’ve explained so eloquently why I was having a problem in my thinking and couldn’t leave a 30 year narcissistically abusive marriage this one is pure gold thank you 🙏🙏🙏

It's funny, your description made me think of a novel from the 1740s about a cold-hearted rake who kidnaps a young woman and sets about seducing her. It's called Clarissa, and in several places the various characters actually calmly discuss this method of exhausting a victim by coming at her with different strategies to confuse and weary her into submission. One character writes, "Lovelace, than whom no man was ever more polite and obsequious at the beginning, has hit the very point. For his turbulence since, his readiness to offend, and his equal readiness to humble himself, (as must keep a woman's passion alive); and at last tire her into a non-resistance that shall make her as passive as a tyrant-husband would wish her to be."

Besides those two states, comes love bombing and signs of affection and also various mixes between the states. The exposure to that easily leads to PTSD and depression... It is horrible. Once you realize what's going on, it gets easier. But still...

Dieses Video ist für mich besonders lehrreich, da es einen Aspekt betrachtet, den ich als Ex Partnerin eines N vernachlässigt habe.

Where have you been? I use to watch all your videos all the time. Nice to see you are back in business

This made me cry. This is what is happening to me. Together for 5 years, apart now for 2 mths. Each day I am still going through this.

The emotional literacy exercises are very valuable. Utilizing them...and again re-utilizing them is integral. Just as healing is a process, so is allowing yourself to take a step back to one which has been helpful...and allow it to be helpful again, with new eyes. We are being reborn, in a sense.

Yes , I have often thought to myself this past year of learning about covert narcissist ( been with my husband since 19 years now late 40s ) I feel as my mind is like a huge pendulum ball going back and forth when I go back & forth between “he is good , flattering & extremely charming to to he is super conniving & mean.” This is what I’ve learned causes cognitive dissonance & trauma bonds…In the past I always wondered why he’d flip instantly as if he had a split personality. Thanks you for your channel & bringing clarity and knowledge to this type of person

This video was a lightbulb moment for me. It makes sense of a couple of emotionally chaotic years of knowing full well a relationship was wrong and yet not being able to find it in myself to leave. Seeing the light but always being dragged back into the darkness by that hand around my ankle… Integrating the memories of the manipulative abuser and the tortured victim… It is a matter of reorganizing the brain’s filing system. Thank you Richard ☀️

You’ve cracked the code and figured out narcissists- well done

OMG every word you're saying is so true and my ex he is a secondary psychopath narcissistic covert narcissistic personality disorder schizophrenic has every symptom of every disorder that's on the cluster b dark triad, it's actually insane he's definitely possessed by demons try to kill me three times abused me in every single way and now is in prison for what he did to me

Everytime I feel anger and resentment for all the things he's destroyed in my life or I talk about the fact he's an abuse the guilt kicks in because I'm being disloyal to the other side of him. 6:00 This makes so much sense with the freeze state and the disassociation. 8:50**