It is crucial that you learn everything about the personal and sexual history of your intimate partner. Absolutely insist on full disclosure - but never judge.
War correspondent: trauma and personality (recklessness)
The twin industries of self-help and psychotherapy are founded on the largely false assumption that fundamental personal transformation is always within reach, given sufficient willpower and determination.
This counterfactual bit of self-serving, big bucks generating nonsense is pernicious: it sets up its hapless and unhappy clients for perpetual failure and an inevitable all-pervading sense of guilty inadequacy.
The truth is that we can alter a small number of behaviors efficaciously and permanently - but that’s it.
Having passed some critical lifespan milestones, the personality is largely immutable.
Attachment styles, promiscuity, dysfunctional behaviors such as cheating, addictions, repetition compulsion (such as selecting for wrong mates), many post traumatic reactions, and most other psychological features and psychodynamics - are all cast in stone.
Consider promiscuity, for example.
The following facts are not manosphere anecdotes. They are the findings in multiple studies.
Sociosexually unrestricted folks (casual sex practitioners) are 3-10 times more likely to divorce.
The reasons they give for settling down after a spree of sex with multiple strangers are all wrong: they are “exhausted”, interested in financial security or sharing the burden, and other self-centred motivations.
Sociosexually unrestricted people are subclinical psychopaths (dark personalities).
Promiscuous people perceive long-term committed relationships as “giving up” on freedoms rather than as gaining from the togetherness.
They trade sex for safety. As they age, they have a much poorer body image, so they are looking to convert their fast dwindling assets into durable, lifelong goods and services afforded by an intimate partner.
Even so, promiscuous partners set an impossibly high bar sexually and so are always disgruntled about the quality and/or frequency of sex in the serious relationship.
While capable of commitment, they get bored of their relationships much faster than their partners and they cheat way more often than their non-promiscuous peers.
Their grievances legitimize their cheating (usually in bouts of casual sex) in their minds.
Still think that you should not find out everything you can about your partner’s sexual and relationship history?
One of the most moronic bits of politically correct advice online is: “Your partner’s sexual, social, and psychological histories, his or her past, are not relevant and you have no right to inquire about them. Only present choices, decisions, and behaviors matter. Don’t be retroactively jealous!”
Yet, by far the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Recidivism - defaulting to past misconduct - is rife.
More than 80% of alcoholics restart drinking within a year from rehab. Almost 70% of criminals repopulate their erstwhile cells. Having cheated once, you are three times as likely to cheat again. Promiscuous women sleep around extradyadically much more often than the regulated, boundaried sort.
By all mean: interrogate a new potential intimate partner to the greatest possible extent. It is your only protection against future nasty surprises.
Actually, people do base their decisions on their partner’s self-disclosed past.
Studies in dozens of countries show that men are loth to form long-term relationships with promiscuous women whose "body count" exceeds 9 sex partners (fewer in some countries). Why is that?
For three excellent and rational reasons:
1. Men are competitive and seek high relative positioning among their peers. A woman who had been summarily used and discarded by multiple guys is an embarrassment ("that's the best you can do? I and all my friends had her for free any time we wanted!").
Such a woman is "cheap" and "easy" and investing in her renders the man a gullible sucker and a "simp": why be the only one to pay for what she had been giving away gratis to everyone?
2. Promiscuity had been linked to subclinical psychopathy, time and again. It is a strong indicator of a lack of boundaries, a weakness of character (people pleasing), or of reckless defiance. Not good qualities to have in a partner.
3. Past behavior is an unfailing prognosticator of future conduct. Promiscuity is strongly linked to serial cheating.
Nonautonomus sexual self-trashing driven by the wish to be accepted and the need to buttress self-esteem by garnering attention are addictive, lifelong behaviors.
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