Being scapegoated is the worst feeling. You are just belittled and shamed for being your true self. I have lots of horrific memories from childhood. As a child it is very difficult to disassociate from such people and not personalize with it.

The narcissist will always have a scapegoat, someone who they can blame for all of their problems. There will often be a scapegoat child in a narcissistic family, who ends up being the victim in relationships or the workplace when they get older.

As a child, I bullied the bullies. I stood up for the "little guy," when I saw anything happening.

In Jr high, I also had 3 years feeling sorry for a girl at my bus stop that got bullied. I couldn't say anything either, but in high school we were put into the same math class. She was sitting at a table alone when I first came into the room and I went straight over and sat with her. She's still my best friend after over 40 years.

My youngest brother is the one who is immune to narc conditioning. When we were kids, I remember him shouting to our other 3 sibs, "Why are all of you so mean to her?" We remain close to this day.

I’m reading the book of Lindsay C. Gibson ; “Adult children of emotionally immature parents”. She writes about ‘internalizers’ and ‘externalizers’. Internalizers will be the ones who were the scapegoat and are also the ones who grief over their own mistakes as over what happened in the family. Leaving them to seek true and genuine persons they can connect to. I recommend this book for people who struggle over what and why it happened.

I’m totally the scapegoat sadly. My parents don’t talk to me. They are divorced and remarried. My mother has triangulated me against my brother to we’re we don’t talk as well. They are so broken, angry with rage, toxic, dysfunctional and narcissistic. Ya my mom is a bully, emotionally childish, lier and sociopathic and and made my brother who is the golden child a bully to me. She’s made my other immediate family members barring and isolating me from them. Thank you for making these. I’m trying to heal on my spiritual journey it’s so hard. The struggle is so real. I’m a victim to all this, but more so a survivor because I escaped my mothers horrible abuse.

I was the scapegoat/truth teller/ forgotten child. I remember my dad mobbing us against our mom. I was often mobbed by my parents and siblings even as an adult. I tried for many years to restore the relationships but it's a loss cause. I have gone no contact with my parents and siblings. I am so much happier now that I ended that toxic cycle. I was bullied in school through my whole childhood and teens. I remember people making fun on my clothes because they old handme downs and not brand name. I love watching these videos. They help me understand my life. So many times I would ask people what to do or what would help but they had no clue.

This touched me in ways you could not imagine. Dr. Ramani hit this one out the ballpark! I was the scapegoat. I'm still dealing with and unlearning the toxicity I received growing up from it.

In my family ANY emotion was put down. I am surprised I can feel anything after those people. I lived inside books to escape them..."If I could find a real good book, I'd never have to come out and look at what they've done to my song" - Melanie 1971

I genuinely hate, yes hate, bullying. It’s a reflex to speak up and has caused physical and economic violence on my person. My brother was the scapegoat, mostly. As a child I knew it was terribly wrong. I remember the horror of listening to his screams as he was beaten, cut, nose smashed for crimes such as wetting the bed, dripping a bit of food on the floor, etc. I was helpless. I remember trying to make them stop beating him at the table because someone touched the female parents camera and maybe ruined some film in the process. Their violence was turned on me. I was once beaten severely ( huge bruises on the entire left side of my body, a possible broken rib where she savagely kicked me until I crawled under the bed to escape. All this because my golden child older sister flushed a Dixie cup down the toilet. She was little and didn’t know better). Everyone knew the abuse, adult friends, teachers,

My default role in the family was the golden child, but the roles changed depending on my mother's moods. I understood triangulation at a very young age, and made alliances with my sisters against my mother. I still find that I use this coping mechanism, I find the others who are being harmed, and I bond us all together. I had always felt guilt over this and viewed myself as always leading rebellions against entrenched systems. Now that I have been through therapy, I realized I have overthrown quite a few narcissistic systems, through years and even decades of effort and alliance building. And while there is no reason to feel guilt over this, I now have no energy left for it. I'd prefer just to walk away.

Years ago, I very vocally refused to participate in family scapegoating of two cousins. Ten years later, when the family turned on me, those same two (now in the family's good graces) had no problem piling on. I don't regret having done the right thing but it really hurt and felt like a betrayal. I understand that they aren't able to live outside the family for a variety of reasons and I am in some ways "stronger" and willing to forgoe the family "protection". It still sucks. 😕

Oh my gosh. I was "ganged up on" in my family, led by my father. They would torment me, mock me until I cried. I still remember it. It was at it's worst when we played family board games. I'm understand much more about my position now. 67 and married to a narcissist.

I can see Dr Ramani that it still hurts your heart, this memory...you are such a compassionate person, bless you and bless your friend~where ever she is in this world, may she have found peace & love in her life. 💕

My best friend's family was like that : the father and all 3 children would mock " the silly little Mommy", who was the only true empath in the family, and one of the precious few I've ever met. She cooked,she cleaned, took care of the children, and then the grandchildren. She was an educated woman who was pushed into this situation by her narcissistic husband. Who himself had a huge academic career, and cheated on her as a matter of course. She became a teacher finally when the kids were grown, and was great at it. But she never had anyone really close to her, she was terribly lonely for most of her life; my friend finally grew to appreciate her quiet, sweet mother, but it had taken her own cancer and newly found vulnerability for that to happen.

You're an angel that walks among us. ❤

This video gives me strength to deal with an extremely evil group of people. Thank you for your videos; you have most definitely reversed the scales of school bus bullies by giving so many a pathway out of these relationships. I used to pray when I was a child for an answer for their behavior, and now I got it.

Another version of this scapegoating happens with in-laws. Narcissistic parents scapegoat the spouses of their adult children, making them the butt of all jokes and put-downs. It's awful. I know this one first hand.

Moral injury was done to a close friend by his father , he and his brothers had to cheer when the father knocked the mother down .. he killed himself at thirty seven by hanging himself in his fathers living room. He was a wonderful soul, his name was Daniel Oconner. I wish so much he had had a therapist like you.

This is such healing information, suddenly so much of my family history and my friends family history is so clear. Thank you

Spot on Doctor My mother was the narcissist and my father was the family joke and it was so sad My poor father was emotionally abused so badly resulting in my father being totally dehumanised and bullied.

Growing up in a narcissistic family has really made me conscious of these dynamics echoing systemically. I always thought this was a horrific world I wanted no part of, because narcissism is so rampant. I'm slowly finding silver linings, I guess. :)))

The narc will always have and or shift the scapegoat. Forgive yourself so you can help yourself and the scapegoat move forward and past the pain.

Thank you Dr. Ramani for talking about this. This video touched my heart. Unfortunately I'm the scapegoat of my family. For 20 years I was the golden child however when I started having my own life and opinions I became the scapegoat overnight because my beliefs didn't align with my narcissistic father's beliefs. Overnight my father turned my whole family against me. My sister is the only one who really sees me. She is only 14 years old but she is so supportive. She has never scapegoated me. My mother is a codependent who follows my fathers every whim and wish, she would follow him through fire, unfortunately she has no choice, in our culture divorce is not an option as it would bring shame to the family. And she comes from a very poor household while my father comes from old money so has always been rich plus he is a religious leader in our community so everyone admires him so much and looks up to him. She is compassionate towards me but she has to follow everything my father says so she can't help me in any way. Unfortunately my brother has the same attitude and personality as my father. He used to be the sweetest boy and now he look at me like I'm the lowest creature on this earth and that kills me. Being raised by a narcissistic father led me to attract narcissistic partners and I'm just coming out of a 4 year extremely abusive relationship where I was trauma bonded to my partner. I have no one who understands and supports me and the only comfort I have are your videos and other people's stories who went through narcissistic abuse and came out on the other side, they give me hope that I'll make it in the end.

When I was a kid I was bullied by parents and of course then by kids they smelled first blood.....a teacher, "did the right thing," her right thing made my parents take their bullying to a new physical level. So let the guilt go

I was also bullied at school. Two of the most moving moments in my recent life were when 25+ years later, two girls from school (one is just a FB buddy, the other one is my friend), apologized to me. Even though they were never unkind to me, the fact that they recognized how badly I had been treated and that they were sorry was so validating and liberating. It brought tears to my eyes.

My ex mocked my accent (I’m from Brazil), dismissed my knowledge, undermined my attempts to bring a healthy diet by buying TV dinners when I was cooking. With this video I finally put a name on the process: scapegoat. I was aware that I was at the butt of constant name calling, constant put downs, but I wasn’t aware that I was being bullied and made into scapegoat in front of my children. This video was by far the hardest one to watch. I watched twice to acknowledge and validate my pain. Recently I experienced being at the butt of triangulation and scapegoating again, this time at work. I was able to identify it and express my outrage with the behavior of this colleague right away. The response of the group was to call a mediator. This was a workshop on anti racism and was all volunteer. A mediator? Really? That will only validate the narcissist’s position. I didn’t respond to this travesty and I am now blaming myself for not catching the narc colleague’s intentions sooner. But I am getting better at recognizing assholes.

It's time to forgive our child selves as we didn't know then what we know now. 'If I only knew what I know now' is nothing more than wishful thinking.

This video directly applies to my own experience. I have forgiven my brother who was a participant because his situation was just about as bad as mine. We both needed to find a way to survive.

Your videos are the best ones I've watched on Narcissism and your empathy have helped me climb out of this hole when all other voices were chanting "don't be such a victim" or "it wasn't that bad" or "you're a liar." Thank you so, so much Dr. Ramani, and thank you for sharing your big heart with the world through these videos.

We got.to stand up and be counted , I stood up for my kids all through my marriage, they looked up to me emotionally and financially, my narc was also a gambler, I m happy now and FREE.

Hi.. I was able to walk away from him 8/28/20. Wt nothing but wat i was wearing. I was in a domestic violence shelter for 6 weeks. They gave me new clothes & shoes. Helped me find a home. Im here in the country on 12 acres. Im way happier now 10 months. But your video on devaluing myself is spot on! I didn't know& thank u so much. Now i get it.....❤

I’m an only child and, much of the time my Mum was the scapegoat while I was the golden child. But every so often he would swap our roles. He was also very controlling with money, so I was the child who got sent to school in strange, old fashioned clothes and, as a consequence, was bullied for that.

I'm not sure if you've done this topic but how about the guilt you feel from inheriting learned behavior of narcissism or borderline personality disorder from your parents? Then once you reach 40+ years old or wise up and become educated by others... Only you find out how much harm you've done to others your entire life.. Regret, shame, guilt, anger at your parents... come to mind.

Kids in middle school are the meanest people in the world. The years from 5th-8th grade were the worst years of my life although it wasn't all due to some of my rotten classmates. At the time I knew it was bad and thought of them as 'the dark years'. It definitely impacted the way I saw myself and the world and not in a good way. Thanks Dr. Ramani for sharing that story about the school bus.

I've been scapegoated in my family, at school, at workplaces, among so-called friends. I wish I could hug you right now, thank you for the validation. This made me cry. And yeah, Mom being scapegoated does ring a bell...

I was the scapegoat in our family and I have, as a 60 year old adult, now chosen to sever all ties with my family. It was the only way to end the toxicity. I am hoping someday I can forgive them. Thank you for helping me come to terms with this.

I felt like this video was difficult for you to do Dr Ramani. I appreciate you for helping us even though your own pain.

Thank you for sharing vulnerability with us Dr. Ramani. Holding space for your shame and grief as well as all of our shame and grief. ❤

This hits close. This is basically how a lot of my family history unfolded. I was raised by a narcissistic mother in a narcissistic/enabling family unit. The family mobbing was no joke and nobody was safe from it if you were just a hair away from their version of acceptable. Everyone's private life was a public spectacle. Any slight infraction, no matter how many years passed or times forgiven, was never lived down. My Dad was the favored scapegoat. I sadly joined in. There was validation and love in those moments but it was false. A part of me knew it was wrong but also abundantly clear that if I didn't participate or at least agree, especially to obvious lies, I was next. My Mom worked very hard to keep me only in relationship with her side of the family so there was all the induced fear needed to keep me in line. My parents did end up divorcing. My Mom's side enabled naturally no matter what she did or had done to my Dad. They justified, ignored and even celebrated deeds done to my Dad. Of course, this was expected of me as well. But I didn't join in anymore. I finally got a chance to have the relationship with my Dad that had been stolen from me for all those years. We were no longer being fed opposite sides of the story. Our relationship is thriving and his side of the family never turned out to be a shred of what I was made to believe they were. I became the favored spacegoat along with my Dad. "You're just like your father!" I take that as a compliment. It is sad because after 36 years of my life, I had to finally accept that my Mom and certain members of her family will not change. They view me as a monster and that was hard for many years. I think I was worried about losing something I never had in the first place but I couldn't/ didn't want to see it. There was a real sense of guilt that I should be ashamed of myself for cutting ties but that's where things are now. These videos have helped to heal and offer insight. Thank you.

I never knew what a narcissist was until I left my husband after 25 years. i wish I knew then, what I know now. I would have left 10 years sooner than I did. I've watched hundreds of videos over the last 3.5 years, read many articles on line, and books from the library about this type of personality. I can now spot a narcissist in warp speed. Some of these people tick one box right after the next! Total textbook! It's so clear to me now! I think it's something that should be taught in high school. Young people can spare themselves a lot of heartache in the future from a partner, boss, parent, teacher......or anyone else they come across. How you deal with narcissists is crucial for your own mental health and wellbeing. I cried so much when I first left, it's a wonder my house didn't float down the hill. I had no answers in the beginning, and I suffered tremendously as a result. Once I started to get information about this personality disorder, I slowly got my power back. The more I learned the answers to why things happened the way they did, the more I needed to know. I just kept going and going......more and more information saved me from myself. I've never been this happy in my entire life. BTW, I'm 64.

The path to freedom is illuminated by the bridges you have burned, adorned by the ties you have cut, and cleared by the drama you have left behind. Let go. Be free.”

Truth teller/scapegoat child survivor here. Healing well and moving on to bigger and better things despite my CPTSD and constantly being told there was something wrong with me. To my fellow black sheep: There is NOTHING wrong with us! We spoke up and refused to be manipulated. We did not conform to the lies and that is what makes us special. Keep healing and succeeding…it’s their kryptonite.

This video was really what I need today. Thank you Dr Ramani. I was grayrocking my narc sister. but my narc sister pushed my boundary and I exploded. My mom was so sad seeing us like that and now Im blamed by making my mom sad not thinking of her health. My mom is naive and she doesn’t know how my sister keeps pushing me since she is so good at justifying her actions and making herself as victim. I feel very sad shamed and dirty now. You described it well.

I just wait for ur videos. Though I have suffered through narcissistic relationship for less time but I was exhausted trying to understand this person u made it so easier. Thank you

I always sided with and fought for the "uncool" kids. Stayed fighting bullies and i remember these bullies coming together and approaching me to join their "club". I asked why and they told me i was one of them 😄. I said good that's what y'all get and walked away to play with my "uncool" friends

When does narcissism cross over into psychopathic? My oldest sister scares the hell out of me and we are both in our 50’s. I went no contact several years ago yet she continues to try and manipulate by using our demented narc parents as pawns. I’ve given up trying to help them because she will counteract and dismiss anything I attempt. I feel guilty as if I have abandoned them but know that all is lost. Giving up my family has been a terrible experience. Although I’m happier, I’m haunted by the memories and ruminate over the psychological abuse I suffered at their hands.

That was me . I learned to make fun of myself to survive. Then I did this with "my friends ", until I learned what and why I was doing it. When I quit making fun of myself I was told "now she thinks she's so smart, or now she thinks she too good". Butch Hancock says, "if your too smart for your own good, just be glad your not too dumb for it". My brother who is addicted is the only one that says, " I saw that and it was wrong" I admired the way you coped and overcame." I appreciate you so much for all your teachings Dr Ramani. I'm 60 and feel like I'm born again with all the clarity and changes I've made.

Thanks for taking this on. I feel a lot of guilt about enabling scapegoating both in childhood and in the workplace. Bystander intervention training is more important than ever.

Hope you can add "Patience is a virtue" in your proverbs series. I would like to hear your take on that proverb in narcissistic relationships.

My narcissistic mother did that to me against my Dad. My childhood was brainwashed into believing my Dad is/was this horrible embarrassment. I went along with my Mom because I didn’t know better until my adulthood. My Dad died less than 6 months ago, but I am grateful I had the opportunity to apologize to him for how I treated him while I was growing up. I’m so grateful to have had that opportunity to apologize. I miss him very much.

Dad was overt, mom was covert, I was scapegoat and truth teller. My 3 sisters mobbed me whether parents present or not. So the handmaid golden child and baby narc still hang together 60 yrs later.

Being the male, stay at home father, you just described big part of my 30 yr experience. Mynow adult children still gang up on me with their NPD mother

As a child with 2 siblings, I was the oldest. My “mother” would always put Dad down, saying he was to be feared, told me stories of him beating her and so much more. We were so afraid of him. I had to pay board with my 1st babysitting job at 11 years old. As an older adult, I started realizing it was her all along. Everyone was told to come to me for advice, help etc. I was also the one most picked on. A very long story short, she put my Dad in a retirement home against his will. This was just after he paid the house and all the bills off. I know she drugged him/can’t prove it. I knew what she was doing but no one would believe me. He signed POA to me for health and we had the public guardian for the money. She was furious ! She then took me to court for guardianship of my dad. My lawyer cost me 25K, I am on disability. She put dad in LTC. He was in there 3 years. I had to call an ambulance to help him and she was furious, she called the police. That gave me another year and half with dad before he passed 2 days before his 87th b-day. A week before he passed, I called an ambulance again and she refused to let them take him to hospital. He relied on me and I have been blaming myself that I let him down. I paid for his phone, so I could talk to him. She tried everything to sabotage our relationship! Her last kick was when she called my sister saying there was something at the funeral home for us. We went together and picked up our dad in 3 zip lock bags. Holy crap Dr. Ramani, I am writing this and crying my eyes out! I am 63 yrs old and feel so bad that we did not see through this! Thank-you!❣️❤️. Just to add, she left him in the LTC home, would not allow him to even go outside. She sold the house, and everything and took pride in staying for 60 years. When I was 13, I told her to leave, she replied, “I’m not going to lose half my stuff!”

I m being scapegoated in family till now. I m being shamed, guilt tripped, gaslighted, smear campaigns against me, injustice, favoritism, in validation of my feelings and existence, bullied and teased daily. The narcissist are afraid of scapegoat as they know the truth.

Thank you so much❤❤I'm the small black sheep here. Lol

Yep I was bullied as a very young child in school. By the age of 10 I stood up on my chair in the class and set "enough, I will fight every one of u (and there was 30 kids in that class) after school on the bullring, girls to." 3 of the toughest boys in the class took up the offer, I fought each one of em at different times and lost each fight, but I was then respected and never bullied again. I've always stood up against bullies bullying other people as kids and adults

This one brought out the tears. I'm 60 yo. No contact for 5 yrs. and was still frozen in grief. Beginning to thaw since watching your videos. Knowledge is power. Thank you for arming me.

Yeah, this is a really great one for sure. Sometimes we've buried things so deep, we don't even realize we have to deal with them. I have wondered what to do with that guilt & that grief many times. Really great one, Dr. Ramani!

The sadness of perceiving oneself as a scapegoat, in my view and reality, is a permanent state of brain activity. The pain associated with it never goes away, yet it can be understood and lived with in peace. Perhaps this is what ancient philosophers talked about all along-they perceived how the human soul is wounded and how it can be healed, but not forgotten. We live in a wealthy Western society where we are not threatened with the death penalty for our opinions, for fighting for children's education, or for societal change. Yet, Seneca's quote, "We do not attempt many things not because they are difficult, but they are difficult because we do not attempt them," speaks for itself. That is why it is wonderful and inspiring to see people in the media who have the courage to talk about these issues and open up topics that are so crucial for human society and healing, bringing us back to the basics that we are slowly but surely forgetting. Thank you to everyone who does this.

“ Words hurt “ ! Such a compassionate statement. Thank you Dr. Ramani ! I always felt that whoever came up with “ sticks and stones can break my bones... “ should have had their head examined.

I can’t thank you enough for everything you’re doing Dr.

This is interesting to hear that I being the scapegoat...the one who was teased...the one who was bullied within my family of 5 siblings that my siblings were being groomed as my Mothers flying monkeys. What makes it even more sad is that 4 out of 5 siblings are all Narcassists . I finally walked out of their lives which actually saved mine. It's been over a decade of no contact which the only regret I have is not doing it sooner.

Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani. 💚💛

Thank you Dr. Romney. This is the message I just sent to my 50 year old son: I am so sorry that I did not defend you as a child and I just stood by and watched in horror. You were his scapegoat and I did not stand up for you because I was a coward 😢 I AM SO SORRY BABY BOY.

Thank you so much for this video. I wish with all my heart that people find the courage to apologize. What a difference it makes, even decades later, to hear ‘’I’m sorry’’ from people who hurt us or stood by and watched passively. I consider it the most meaningful act anyone can EVER do. And I think it also heals the moral injury of the hurtful person.

I was one like that little girl you mentioned. I was often sent to school in dirty cloths and would smell. My parents had no desire to care for me. You have nothing to worry about. She will most likely remember you as being nice. When I was bullied like this, when someone don't help but neither do they bully they are considered as nice. Looking back I can see it was neglectful but I was always glad when someone did not join in the abuse.

I can't imagine anyone in my family that would make amends for this. LOL, so there's my radical acceptance.

I was the scapegoat child of a narcissistic father. I have the shame of bullying an innocent bystander. It was a single incident of yelling at an old lady in a neighboring house when I was 7 or 8 years old. There were others with me, but that’s no excuse. I’m now 67 and still think back on that and feel such shame. It hurts worse not knowing what grief I caused her. You’ve helped me realize that my rage was coming from frustration. I wasn’t able to fight back at the abuse I suffered from my father. Thanks for helping me put my mind at ease, at least a little bit.

Thank-you always for your honesty and openness. This is one of the many reasons that I trust and admire you as a person(even if we have yet to meet) and as a psychologist. I am particularly grateful for your forthrightness when speaking of your experience on the bus and your feelings that still linger after these many years. Thank-you.

I was the black sheep scapegoat in my family but I always stood up for ANYONE being bullied. Ive been horrified to this day that so many allow abuse and even take part in witch trial tribal bullying May our society get educated and make changes bc these are human lives at stake. And I don't say this to shame anyone who took part in this previously. I say this I HOPES you will now ALWAYS stand up and protect the helpless the hopeless the silenced the waekened and the broken. Don't make them forgotten anymore. 55 years alive and to this day, victims of bullying have little help from social groups. That's criminal in my opinion.

You’re incredible. Your children are the luckiest people to have you as their mom.

All my life I hated injustice, I did everything to teach my children good morale , But the Narcissist father is brainwashing them against me, when did it happen? I don't know, I'm baffled. I pray to god every night that they won't turn out like him.

I see real emotion. Thank you, that takes courage.

Workplaces are abundant with this scapegoating dynamic: mocking, ridicule, put-downs, mobbing. Especially towards the empathic truth teller. The isolation is made much worse when everyone else silently backs away.

Dr. Ramani, you have accurately described my family here. My father scapegoated all three of us kids at times, but especially my mother. At the dinner table, almost every word out of his mouth was some sort of taunt or sarcasm, always putting her down, making her a into cartoon and a joke. We kids sat and watched, mostly, and laughed sometimes., so we were pulled into the mobbing. I knew it was wrong, but couldn't do anything. Now that both parents have passed, I've become the scapegoat to my two brothers. It happened gradually. At first, I just thought they were just sexist, like my dad. But, as time has gone by, I've seen the lengths they will go to, to hurt me. But, I'm seeing how much of the traits and characteristics I disliked about myself were trauma responses. The whole dynamic has shaped my life on so many levels over time, but seeing it is amazing. Realizing that I'm not selfish (as my dad characterized me), that I'm not... so many things I used to believe about myself that I now know are untrue. Thank you so much for all that do, Dr. Ramani. I'm in the process of reading your new book. All the information you bring to people like me is incredibly liberating. Lots of love to you.

thank you, i am spreading your name a bit. blessing and strength.

FINALLY someone who talks about a parent being the scapegoat to a spouse and his child. It's been so horrible, and I feel so alone.

I've always been the scapegoat - in my nuclear family, school, workplace, marriage, even health issues. I learned how to stand up for myself, state my case, then leave. It's been an unbelievable learning experience, and it's boosted my strength in every realm. That's a really productive skill to nurture - as I currently fight serious illness. And yes, I do that alone, too. Because when you get right down to it - you have only yourself to depend upon.

I attended your latest webinar/zoom meeting on grief and I got soo much more than I was expecting. Just love you Dr Ramani ❤️

I teared up when you talked about the girl on the bus. Dr Ramani, I feel what you’re doing now, protects and helps empower many more “girls on the bus” or boys or the/them/theirs on the bus.

Thank You For Sharing Doctor Ramani!!!!!

Another great video Dr. Ramani .... it's very eye-opening to have these rolls identified for us . Surviving the role of scapegoat is crippling emotionally & very difficult to see or understand . I'm so very happy to be free , I had to leave my family behind , but they were NEVER going to be in a healthy place . I have been able to connect with an estranged brother , he left & went no contact after the birth of his only son . We have had many conversations about Narcissism and the dynamic in our SICK home . He wasn't aware of Narsissism , but was eager to understand why he needed to remove himself from his family . We both have a better understanding of how sick our family really is . We no longer feel guilt about not having Holidays together ...that was a huge relief .

Thank you so much for this I’m in tears. I walked away (!!) and I am so proud of myself 🥹 And I’m an executive now! I have deep friendships, I’m respected and adored by my colleagues and I continue to champion for others that have been the target of bullying and abuse. I am scared of nothing anymore. It was NOT my fault ❤❤❤

Dr. Ramani, I was very touched, moved, by this particular video! I don't always agree with you on every topic, but I deeply respect your insight. Your wisdom and your gentle spirit have been such a blessing to me over the last year, and I know I am not alone! Thank you, may God bless you!

Omg....the music, the movies, saving grace. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

When you suffer from Schizoid Personality Disorder and yet seeing Dr. Ramini tearing up from reexperiencing and opening up about her moral injury actually affects you deeply. Mine is very very similar and I think it's even tougher, when people score higher in tenderheartedness so I really do respect your courage to share such vulnerability alongside your topic. The video is very insightful and I am convinced that it will help many viewers relieve quite a bit of negative emotions. I know it did for me. Thank you.

I was bullied in school when i was young. A few years ago we had a school reunion and one of my classmates came to me and apologised for not stepping in to stop the bullying. It was indeed very good to hear. She told me that when she realised she felt very bad and guilty about it. Now he can also let it go.

This is exactly where I am. Trying every day to rebuild my life and find that strength to best prepare myself and leave for good. I need this peace for myself and my future. Time might have been lost but there is still time to make changes. I will make the most of this time.

You know what I love about you? You're so down to earth and real, like a friend. The fact that you've broken down really made me respect you. You're human. Keep up the good work and forgive yourself. You were just a child ..who was bullied. I lived that life, so I know how you feel.

I was the scapegoat in my family. Mom started fights with dad all the time, but I was the cause of all the problems with her. My younger siblings took their cues from her and frequently ganged up on me. I never had a safe place, even at home, when I was a kid. I don't blame my siblings for things that happened when we were kids. They didn't know better then. They DO know better now, and it really hurts that I will never be able to have a normal relationship with them. My sister is my mother's biggest enabler. My brother has acknowledged what mom is, and he still says and does things that leave me reminded that I was never really a part of the family and never will be. They will always treat me like the outsider, the know-it-all, the angry kid who doesn't fit in. I will never forgive my mother for creating that environment and trying to pass it off as "the best she could with what she had".

I don’t know how to walk away, I could really use support. She gave me more attention that any girl has and I fell for her bc before we met I made a promise to myself to not settle for anyone that doesn’t treat me at my worth. She was perfect. Now she’s devaluing me but has not seemed to let go, though I guess it has only been a month of no contact. This is the first discard so I’m not sure if she’s a narc or just a genuine person that I’d be missing out on if I reject her in the future. She is also so so good looking and has such a cute personality it’s so hard for me to say no when I feel like I’ve found someone so so good, esp bc I don’t feel I knew her well enough just yet to sort if she is a narc or just hurting inside

Dr. Ramani I love you .. and now after this video i knew why !! you are such an honest woman! I could see honesty in your eyes .. God bless your heart and soul

As scapegoated in my family by my parents and all brothers I can say now after tens of years of this, that they were doing it even now without any remorse if I still was with them.

You just took a veil from my eyes , dr.Ramani . My brother was the golden child, 8 years younger than me, and I remember our beautiful childhood relationship until he became somehow unexplainable distant and he himself became a narcissistic person who just used my narcissistic mom for his interest . It was an awful time for me because I was used and cornered and putted in the position to get what I could , he took all . But this is not about money he got, it’s about the psychological abuse I endured without knowing what it was .... Looking back it’s like “decoding” my life if you understand what I mean ... I am happy I discovered you even recently because you saved my life !

Everytime lately when I watch your videos it blows my mind how you explain the nightmare I found my way out of. I was the truth teller, and the fixer, and the invisible child all at different times and my family was broken into two factions. My sister the Golden child became a narcissist, like our mother and I watched while she scapegoats, and marginalised her husband, who was a basically good guy. He became the joke and his kids treated him like garbage by the end. I moved far away, but I always hoped he'd divorce her. She was a bully and a horror as a child and nothing ever got better. She was truly sick she even did it with their pets. One cat was adored while the other was barely tolerated. They'd tease it and basically treat it as lousy as they did him. Sometimes it's a wonder I survived any of it. Sad to say my family were pretty awful people. That is a hard thing to reconcile. It was tough, when you're bullied at school and home. I developed suicidal ideation. It took years and help but I found my way out and am that much stronger for it. As the scapgoated sibling I chose to have nothing or little to do with the siblings. I can gaurantee they never gave how they treated me a second thought. Living well is the best revenge became my mantra. I'd joke and tell people I'd escaped from Alcatraz.

Your videos are so helpful. Thank You!

What a heart rending description of how this plays out in families. Dr. Ramani gets to the core of the issues when it's so hard to break down exactly what is happening in these confusing relationships. Hopefully understanding leads to healing.

Nailed it Dr. R that was my dad who was scapegoated. Mobbed and the other parent my mother was relentless she pulled the same with me. Feel awful what he endured it was brutal to see it happen. Even after he died of cancer she still does it. Now I'm the main target of hate. It's devastating. Cut contact with her it is greatly limited for the best. Once you know this information our responsibility to grow, improve and thrive. Feelings aren't facts only factors. Harsh to know this was an everyday occurrence in our house breaking those abusive cycles and trauma bonds are difficult yet, vital to improve society overall. Worth the work it takes. Thanks for the insights.