I also want to say that I think scapegoats deserve a lot of credit for being able to survive all the pain that an adult connot/doesn't want to handle, all while being just a child and without support!

My older brother was the family scapegoat. Until he ran away. Then I became the goat. In retrospect, he was the healthiest person in the house

The irony is that despite all of the abuse, we walk away as the strongest and healthiest because we are NOT self-hating abusers like they. The resilience of a scapegoat is a wonder to behold.

I finally realized that I would always be the toxic families scapegoat. The only way to heal was to leave the toxic environment. My only option was to go no contact. Abuser don't change!

The scapegoated child grows up with an orphaned spirit running between fight, flight, freeze and fawn trauma responses. Only to find out that nothing worked until they learn to release the toxic burden of the narcissist.

Entering a room and you feel the backstabbing vibe. This happened all the time. Its a horrible feeling. This dynamic never stops. Also remarkably when you are happy, they have to shut you down. Why are you happy when old nasty vindictive mother hates you being around. It is a lifetime sentence.

And then one day you realize that healing means to get rid of narcissistics from your life not to make them love you. And this is sad, especially if the narcissistics are your close family or friends. Whenever I was setting boundaries a narcissist terminated the relationship, so I thought that I was doing something wrong. Then I realised that this is exactly what I should expect from a narcissist. I was naive thinking that me, being healthy, make them somehow respect me, like me, love me. Healing means termination of bad relationships, not changing bad into good.

Scapegoat anonymous over here. Been thriving since the disconnection. STAND UP people, you can make it 💪🏾

It's disturbing and heartening to know how widespread this problem is.

I was the scapegoat, almost took my life. Looking back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, my dad taught me through his abuse a facet of humanity I didn't want to face, that people can be so cruel, to love myself regardless, to not be afraid to stand in my own light, to always trust my inner wisdom. In a way thank you dad, even if I cut you out of my life I wish you love and healing, nobody in their right mind would make another individual suffer to feel better about themselves.

I had my first child at age 23. My narc mother came to the hospital the next day. In the reception area I fainted, and the nurses took me back to my room and tucked me into bed. After the nurses left, my mother came into the room and physically attacked me. I screamed, nurses came running, and threw my parents out of the hospital no questions asked. That was when I thought that I had had enough. Twenty three years is enough. I went no contact. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Wow Jay...every time I listen to a new video you so generously offer, another door opens. The gaslighting & scapegoating was horrible. My mother was a vicious tyrant who controlled the whole family, including her parents. I was such a sensitive person. She hated my sensitivity & creativity. Thanks to you Jay, my behavior/choices I made was not really ME! It was all a survival mechanism to get away from her. It has taken me a lifetime to figure this all out ( I am 67 now) And my healing really started to progress after she died. I was so relieved when she died. But the damage she caused made reconnecting to family member impossible. That's OK. I am very grateful for therapists like you Jay that helped me recover MYSELF! Thank you!! 🙂

I didn't realize just how often I call myself "names" when I make a simple mistake or drop something ,etc. Names like "stupid, asshole ,idiot, jerk, loser" . I would NEVER say these things to someone else and certainly not to someone I love. So there it is. I'm learning to love myself after all these years.This was one of your best videos, Jay.

“One mistake away from complete ruin”. I still struggle with this intermittently. This is a learned and conditioned reaction because my mom would treat any mistake I made, big or small, like it was the end of the world. The manufactured mistakes were the worst because she declared I did something wrong and there was nothing I could do to “clear my name”. As a child I absorbed a lot of my borderline mom’s fears and burdens. I did my best to alleviate her burdens. I had no idea my natural instinct to question bad behavior or injustice during childhood primed me to become the scapegoat as a preteen. My siblings were afraid of my mom. My older sister became the golden child during high school, becoming a double agent by joining my mom in triangulation. She became a golden child after the my little brother, the golden child, did the ‘unthinkable’ and was embarrassed of my mom. This happened when my mom made an unannounced visit to his elementary school. Later that day we got an earful at home as mom recounted what she experienced at the elementary school. Despite my brother being the youngest child and spoiled by my mom he became visibly being embarrassed of her when she visited him at school. She would not forgive him for being embarrassed of her. We heard the story on repeat even as adults. The external blame referenced in this video only stops by going no contact. Once you purge this regular poison delivered by family abusers and family enablers is when the internal blame has a chance to be removed and replaced with healthy habits, boundaries and the self confidence that was robbed from us.

"The scapegoat had to take what was happening on the outside and make it into what was happening in the inside of themselves". Wow, that explains where the self-blame, harsh inner critic, and self-hate come from. We are not born with that, so this explains where we get it. To understand all this, finally, is powerful. Thank you.

There are towns here in the Midwest that are full of narcissists, and people breed & learn this sick mind frame from a young age. I know what narcissism is, because it’s so prevalent where I grew up. Where Jm from, you don’t just get lucky enough to have your boyfriend to destroy you, but you are extra lucky because your dad is also a narcissists & your boyfriend is just like him(and so is the rest of your family) Then, you marry someone who has a narcissistic mother who is exactly like your father (and so is his sister) You gotta be TOUGH to live in these times people, these people would live for you to off yourself….they sadistically encourage it. Our only option was to move away, far away & cut all contact. I didn’t even add their flying monkeys into the equation. Don’t think for INE SECOND these flying roaches don’t know it’s wrong, they DO!

Thank you for validating us Dr Reid. I'll always own my own mistakes. But I'll never own anyone else's ever again. From black sheep to black stallion!

I knew the moment that I was done. I said goodbye to my sister's dogs and left her house. That was 19 years ago and I haven't gone back. Both parents (overt) and both sisters (covert) are narcissists. Looking back, I remember thinking I wasn't human or worthy of breathing, literally, and thought that death was the only way out of their abuse for many years. After only 4 months of therapy (someone treating me with kindness and respect), I knew I was done,

You are right. I was the scapegoat of my narcissistic family. I am educated now. I am 72 years old. I repeated being with narcissists until now. I have realized now I deserve love. It is a process. I am a survivor now. It took 72 years. At lest I know now..... I love myself and deserve love. You can do too. It was artificial. I am away from the toxic person. I discarded the person almost a year now. It does feel good, however, I would have liked to learn at an earlier age. Thank you. I don't see my family anymore. I now have boundaries and say the word NO. I have my red flag on. I deserve happiness and love. I am glad I found you. It is very clear why I picked toxic people and had no boundaries. It isn't true.

this is exactly how I feel. I am realizing and admitting that I was wronged and didn't deserve to be treated the way I was. I'm in those rocky headlands pushing 40 years old making barely enough to scrap by.

Recovering from the scapegoat position is a journey of great sadness but at the beginning of healing process, there is no greater joy and peace.

We were abused since toddler age, we don't necessarily ask ourselves whether we deserved it or not. But we face the realisation that it did happen to us regardless of who is to blame. Sometimes scapegoated children get discarded. Meaning we don't even get the hate anymore.

Questioning anything a narcissist does is a slippery slope. I’m totally down with it, but once you see the light (enlightenment) y’all can’t likely come back. I am the scapegoat - and I’m okay with it because the narcs and enablers are more likely to reveal their true colors. You know who your friends are.

I was raised in a household of not 1 but 4 narc parental figures. I could never wrap my head around why my 2 actual parents (malignant & covert narcs) would blame me for everything including my malignant father’s cheating. (When he cheated 16 i was punished by revoking the promise of my first car & it was given to him instead. When he cheated at 19 they stopped paying for college & forced me to dropped out) Learning about scapegoats makes so much sense.

I was scapegoated in my original family and then married into a family that also scapegoates me I basically have isolated myself from the world and trust no one

TOPIC FOR DISCUSSION: No emotions. My mother was a covert narcissist. Sneaky malignant when the once or twice a year urge hit her during my childhood. Way more in my twenties. She was jealous of me. I am 65 now, never married, afraid to HV children or mess up some poor guys life ( my mother convinced me I was the one w the mental problems, not her). I was totally ignored, never spoken too. I have no emotions that I feel. I have to look up the meaning of emotions. Most recently trust. To rely on somebody it said?? What does that mean. I went underground and totally numb, not even THINKING about if this or that she did was right or wrong. I can't remember most of my life until my breakthrough a few years ago and even then my feelings seem unimportant. Not that I can accurately pinpoint what I'm feeling a lot of times. How does one"get" feelings and what do I do with them if I get one, except sadness and being lost w no direction? 65 yo, no kids, no husband not even many boyfriends in my teens, twenties. I felt the same about them no matter how long we dated. Nothing ever grew/ grows in regards to feelings about another human. My life is good enough I guess and I like my life, I go out everyday yet if I lose control for a moment I feel and sad. I go out on weekends w my meetup group, but have no emotions and can't seem to learn them. My only feelings are sadness and being lost on my daily journey. Loving myself is an odd concept, why would I love myself? Thanks in advance if you do a talk on this. 😁👍P.S. I've had the breakthrough that my mother was a narcissist only 2.5 years ago. I've been watching videos for the past year or so and feel I have a good grip on what happened in the family I grew up in and my mother's mental problems and narcissism. 👍 Love your videos.

My mother, my older sister. My oldest daughter and now my granddaughter. I moved 3000 miles away and I will never go back. New life. I don't question anything anymore. I'm safe where I am and I have supportive people in my life.

Thank you Dr Reid, your channel is such a help to myself. This in particular has struck a cord as I find myself stuck in this in between. I’ve become a recluse as I try to unpick and mend myself back together. It’s not enough that you lose your childhood to this poison but then you have to spend so many years trying to put yourself back together. A work in progress, yourself and Patrick Teahan are my rock. Thanks for all the good you do.

I am 52 years old, and I’ve never felt so understood in my life listening to this!💕 Every choice in my life was negatively impacted or affected by the way my mother used me as a scapegoat out of the 4 children. She still tries to triangulate me. I have recently ghosted her. My only regret is it took me this long to do it.

Self-love is the cure and protection from Narcs.

Great video packed with truth. I went no contact 15 years ago when it became obvious the entire family regarded me as the scapegoat who could and should be lectured to, corrected, criticized, condemned, chastised, etc. One sister outright sought to humiliate me and her husband deliberately, obviously snubbed me at family events. Another sibling felt free to be abusive, to scream, yell, and accuse. Then they all wondered why I quit coming to family events. I have never once missed them and I learned that anybody who hasn't been swayed by my family's bizarre version of who they think I am, actually really likes me and even respects and admires me.

This was me. I’ve cut my abusive Narcissist mother out of my life for good. It’s the only way to find peace.

Jay, I can't thank you enough for the work you do. Your videos have really opened my eyes and changed my life. I've been in therapy for most of my life looking for answers that never came and then I found your channel and the puzzle pieces came together and I could finally understand. Your channel has been a God Send for me in such a critical time of need. From the bottom of my heart I thank you. May God pour out his never ending favor and blessings over your life for the help, love, and compassion you have given to us scapegoats and all those affected by narcissistic abuse.

Jay, could you explore with us how to deal with the inner child sense of rage and needing vindication when we are trying to heal? That there really isn't any sense of justice or closure, except to say we made it out.... it's a stuck place for me.

I was blessed that even as a very little girl, I knew they were wrong and I was ok and God loved me. It didn't stop the ongoing and still till today, manipulation, treating me as less than etc. It's a heavy burden. I detached years ago and found love and life but now being sucked back in to help with elderly mother's appointment which includes constant calling and sucking my energy for bad. It's pure evil

Video idea! One thing that has really helped me is learning to change how I identify. Ask myself who I want to be and then practice identifying myself with those things. When feeling of anxiety come on, tell myself I am strong and can handle it. I am in control of my mind, not the other way around.

Spot on. Exactly describes my journey and discoveries. I even used the word "defective" for myself for many years before realizing how wrong that was. It makes me sad for myself as a child. What a miserable way to grow up. I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

My family has cut me off from everyone. They have smeared my reputation. I have no one safe; no one who believes me. Any interaction at all leads to an attack. My question is, what does one do when they have NO safe people at all?

The unfortunate truth for me is that I repeatedly found myself in relationships, either intimate, work, etc (and I am talking for DECADES) where I unconsciously recreated the dynamic that I was somehow defective. Dissociation was a key tool I used to accomplish this. When I could get clear with my part in my participation in this dynamic is when I started to find a way out.

Genius presentation. Thank you for explaining things so well. My instincts were correct, I moved away from my family some 30--years ago to forge a life for myself free from family and old-mode influences. It's odd but now understandable; of course, I am now a different person (actually now the person I was always meant to be pre-scapegoat), and when I deal with my family now, they seem to act and believe I am that same person I was when we all lived together. "Weird" hardly describes the experience.

I am the 2nd goat and made it this far, going to make it the rest of the way.

I would buy a large food hamper at Christmas to get some acknowledgement, never got any response, finally stopped trying, after being ignored you want some love , but there unable to show or give any love

Thank you for bringing up the origin story of scapegoats. When I heard it first it showed me why the whole family of origin reviled me and hurt me at any possible time. Everything was my fault. Like so many scapegoats I was a truth teller which furthered my isolation. The geographical distance from FOO plus therapy, didn't relieve the internalized identity. Now as my narc mom is on her 90s and her flying monkeys/narc minors my siblings put her into a nursing home because she interferes with their summer away. I have compassion for her as her role dictates, but still carry the pain she has caused. But the youngest sibling (haven't heard from these siblings in many years ) when I pointed out when she complained about caring for Mom, that she herself destroyed the POA where I as the child who is a Nurse would have any say in caring for Dad (deceased) or Mom. Her response was to say "well I don't Care about you, and once Mom is dead I want , we want nothing to do with you. I only have duty to Mom.". So psychologically it's fascinating to watch 3 siblings recast out the scapegoat 60 years after the first time. The unspoken sin, stain is SO big it cannot be identified. So trying to learn a new internal image, but as you know we attract narcs as wounded goats wherever we go. A safe place, to find me hmmmmm.

This guy is lovely.

I thought I was going crazy but I wasn't. Thank goodness I left years ago

I’m a mother of a narcissistic daughter and I’ve been treated as the scapegoat not only from my own children also from my own siblings.

What you say about the sinner and Saint Dynamic was just made very Vivid to me. I was discarded 12 years ago by my narcissistic mother and brainwashed enabling father. I recently reconnected with my cousin and we've been having a really great time together. Apparently my family caught wind of this and my sister called my cousin to tell her some horrible stories about me. All from when I was a teenager. Which just makes me laugh. She stated over and over again that she was always the good one. Oh boy! My sister was such a troublemaker and a difficult child. I was the sweet and Cooperative one until we switched roles as teenagers. It's amazing how they can just rewrite the past once you have been placed in this role! Thank you for your words of wisdom and your genuineness. I always love listening to you.

Throughout childhood, I responded by pursuing our narcissist parent's approval, unaware of the fact she (Mom) was the problem. Over the decades, it became obvious Mom had some serious issues with envy, self-image, rage, and oppositional defiance. Her behavior worsened after Dad was killed in a car wreck. Dad was no longer there to absorb the abuse she had pinned on him, and two of us kids became her main punching bags. After nearly three years of her abuse, I walked away and left it up to her to maintain our relationship, which I figured out she had never done since I left home at 18, some 28 years prior. No, it took her five months to figure out I wasn't calling or visiting, then reliably told her friends that I had abandoned her. All she had to do was act like a good mother, but she couldn't. So sad.

Great video. Very thoughtful and right on. I would like to see more videos on scapegoat survivors in scenarios where the narcissistic family mob is led by a dark triad personality type. A scenario where the scapegoat faces the real threat of physical violence or worse if speaking their truth, breaking silence about certain things, and taking a stand by living their best life on their own terms.

For me healing began when I went no contact. I suffered from self anxiety and social anxiety. Saw myself as my family of origin saw me not anymore. Please walk away.....it will feel wrong at first and a lot of pain will surface but as the years go by 😊

I was institutionalised by my narcissistic parents and they did everything in their power to make me seem unstable and psychotic… They blamed the ADHD medication I was on as they helped me be more assertive in setting boundaries and aware of the covert abuse I had been enduring for years. Along with the ridiculous amount of gaslighting taking place. I have now been banned from my ADHD medication for five years due to a “psychotic” episode. I’m trying to fight it but, don’t know how best to explain the situation as they thought I was delusional in all the abuse taking place!

Thank you,it's so validating to me to know that the narcissistic person follow a pattern and that it got nothing to do with me, with who I am,💞💞

I agree you ABSOLUTELY need distance.

This is so evil…Smh. Signed, A Healing Scapegoat 🙏🏿✨🧚🏾‍♂️✨

WOW. Yes. We grew up IN HELL seriously mental and psychological TORMENT which we felt physical too and all our life STILL DO!

Good luck everyone, from the bottom of my heart!

WOW! As always you are telling my childhood story, it took 55 years, but SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS IT! tHANK YOU SO MUCH!

Thank you Jay! You are appreciated.

So interesting ! I've made regression, and during one session i've said i was guilty of my brother's death - and i had that feeling since childwood. I understood at that point my sence of guilty as a scapegoat, because i could never be responsible for his death - he died age 7, from a long ilness. I was 4 when he died. Is how far a sence of guilty can go in a scapegoat 😌

Thank you so much for this! I also want to say that your mere presence doing these videos helps, because I understand that this must have happened to you, and you are obviously a kind, intelligent, attractive person. So if it could happen to you, who so obviously are worthwhile and competent, maybe I can convincd myself that I am also that way.❤

I don’t have a narcissist who did this to me in my family but have dealt with some bullies at work that seem to need a scapegoat and will target different individuals to blame for their misery. I’ve changed positions but still see them and they continue to bad mouth me to whoever will listen. This dynamic must exist in their own families I suppose, which gives me some compassion for them. I can’t imagine being a child and growing up with that dynamic-it’s diabolical.

❤ such good work I stood firm in my interpretation of events. I held firm in a gaslit swamp and I have been ostracised by my family of origin. It's not what I would have wished, but I can't go back for more. What's next, indeed. Life without a family. It hasn't made life any harder, but I still can't give up on them having an epiphany. I'll be ok when they don't though

As an adoptee and recipient of trauma through narcissistic familial patterns there is one issue that complicates recovery... use of financial abuse in the maintenance of securing and demanding loyalty from the scapegoat. I was a victim of covert incest by my adoptive father and sexual abuse my entire life. At 55, no surprise, I was diagnosed with an advanced stage of gynecological cancer. After dealing with my first round of chemo I erroneously sought the support of the my narcissistic adoptive family and became homeless because they "had no room for me" though they owned an unoccupied 2.5 million dollar home on the Jersey coast, and my adoptive mother resided in a retirement community with an extra bedroom. Now, at age 60, having dealt with both my physical DIS ease and the CPTSD that set the foundation, I am struggling to impart the tremendous knowledge I have attained to others but I am starting from scratch, yet again. My adoptive mother sends enough money to just make it from one day to the next though I am determined to become free of the bread crumbs being sent my way. Our culture is not ready for my BSN, disability advocacy understanding and Masters in Co-occurring Disorders. Seems I continue to be 20 paces ahead of the curve, silenced by those who should care, and manipulated by the old enemies who find their joy in my difficulties. I am at a crossroads.... (I am a REIKI Master) trying to stop energetically blocking my own money flow by the trauma I have incurred since others have used it as a weapon against me. Suggestions?

This is a perfect description of the last 15 months for me at age 47.

I was somewhere in between option 1 and 2. I knew I was being mistreated from the earliest age, and that everyone in the family was treating me like someone I wasn't, and almost everything said about me was a lie, while I could say nothing without being accused of lying. I just gave up and didn't see that it was possible to exist any other way. Financially controlled, totally isolated, nowhere else in the whole world to go, the only plans I'd had for life utterly crushed under my upbringing, leaving me no direction at all. Somewhat convinced that the treatment I was getting was love, and reasoned that people outside the family would treat me much worse. Turns out normal people treat each other with basic respect, so living on the streets so far has been an improvement lol I don't think it counts as improvement from an outside perspective, but my life was utterly destroyed. Family abuse left me infertile, uneducated, and with no dreams or ambitions. There's no future on earth for me, having no capacity for starting a family, and no requirement to live in luxury. I wait for the return of Lord Jesus, and I pray I have the strength to be presentable when he does.

It can't be understated how important validation is for the person who has been gaslit into a false identity. I seem to forget that often.

My mom is 88 years old and still holding me responsible for her pain and life and everyone else it seems gets a real life i have to hear her constantly year after year if i try to get away she says she cant wait to go to heaven, can you imagine I’m responsible as long as i listen, There was a little boy who told on his mother during court hearing as a child but still looked at her with compassion as he passed her by at the court hearing wow my whole story

It’s like you just explained the last 40 years of my life. Recently been trying to understand why & how my behavior has affected my personal relationships. This process has led me to trying to understand my relationship with “my narcissist”. I now see the patterns and it’s upsetting my life. Guess I’m officially not crazy.

I would love a video that goes deep in the dynamics of a scapegoat and golden child sibling ship from childhood into adulthood. How it evolves between them. Will/can it ever be repaired? How it was doomed from the narcissistic abuse? Please and thank you!

finding work after years of abuse or resources to get work after years of abuse

I would like to differ on not being able to do it alone, because I did.

The part I struggle with is how I should move towards feelings I don't really understand e.g. confidence and calmness? The examples I have internalized of these are the false ones, where confidence is really arrogance, and calmness is really just freezing.

Here is a final tidbit. You live in Northern California, my great-great-grandmother washed clothes in front of her tent at Kearney and Vallejo streets on Telegraph Hill 1848-1850. I have several photographs of her tent at that location. My great-great-grandtaher was part of the Bear Flag Revolt 1846-1848, and took Jacob Leese and Mariano Vallejo prisoners in Monterey. And as a kid I are up nest to La Rinconada Golf Course in Los Gatos, but my father was going to make me into a janitor, just like all the other fathers in the neighborhood. Jay, Sadism is really ugly when it's practiced on one's own children, but I am willing to bet you have seen it all. I want you to take this with you Jay, there is no one on my journey who has helped me understand my family than you. You have no idea how much that has meant to me Jay. Personally, I have to thank those who have helped me so much, or I lose the best, most perdue parts of myself.

if you think this is all bunkum, realise this type of abuse is so unseen & insidious. most who end up in hospital or at the end of a needle have suffered in this way. and still struggle every single day.

Hey My name’s Kirsty Thank you. After watching this video, I just feel so much relief. My brother gaslit me that I’m ‘ill’, in the context of why I don’t talk to my mother (the narcissist). And I felt I was made to feel the worthlessness that you speak of in this video. This was really hard for me and was eating me up inside. Your video has made me feel better. I would have to not think about it. Never think any thoughts about him or mom for the fear of ending back with them being abused again. Because, it seems that the thoughts were in and of themselves, the danger to me. Because those thoughts and feelings were created by them to gaslight me. Not being able to think about them for fear of torturing myself meant that I couldn’t exonerate myself and felt like I was destined to suffer forever. Tho after watching this video and a couple of others of yours, I feel that you’ve done it for me. I feel that you’ve exonerated me. Right now, I feel so different and at peace. I have hope for the future. Thanks, so much.

One tiny plus of being a child emotional tampon is it helps you connect the dots at a later date. Yes, I was told frequently everyone (everyone!!!) was the font of all honesty and I'm an untrustworthy liar. To defy almost anyone was to defy the parent. Even as a child I knew this was manipulative bs. Ironically, most of the skills required to lie and manipulate were learned from the parent. A master class in the "art"!!!!

Hi, Jay. You made a really interesting comment in passing in this video. You said if one has been scapegoated in one's family growing up, but one internally rejected their projections of worthlessness, that one would not develop an identity as a result, as opposed to developing a self-flagellating identity by having internalised their projections. It would be super interesting to hear your elaborated description of this alternate developmental direction! I think I may have a sizeable amount of this myself. Thanks for another great video!

Hey Jay, thank you so so much for these videos! I grew up with two malignant narcissistic parents as the scapegoat and it's been an overwhelming mountain towards recovery. All the ways it's effected my head has made me completely dependent on others as my family kept me stunted in my development to take care of myself. I'm working hard now in therapy and group therapy, but your videos also offer guidance, strength, and validation. If I can make a request, my best friend and partner recently had asked me if there are certain things they need to know to help or support me better, so I was curious if you would be able to do a video for those safe people in our lives (who may find it difficult to understand this abuse and how it effects one) on information that might be helpful to know, what to be mindful of, how to approach things, tips to offer support, etc. Thank you again!

Look at all of us, it’s clear we have one another and in fact we are not alone. ❤

Thank you once again Jay for your amazing work. I found that the first 'safe' person to talk to was my inner child. It was all i could trust! This has helped me so much it has not just been about me nurturing my inner child but that same child nurturing me as an adult letting me know who I am. I have found that this has really helped me on my journey towards regaining trust in myself and others 💖

Since I've set new boundaries and created meaningful distance from my narcissistic mother, I've been hearing that it's "all my dad's fault". That hurts. He didn't do anything wrong. She thinks he has committed an unspeakable offense by not shutting me down or trying to gaslight me with her. He's simply listening to my experience and not judging me. This is unforgivable to her.

They smugly asked me “well what did you do to deserve our abuse” gross

I've commented this before, but it's worth saying again, you so perfectly describe the scapegoat experience and feelings, it's very validating, and has helped me start to separate the abuser voice (in my head) from my own voice. I've felt like i am somehow innately terrible, but now I know why that feeling is there, and where it comes from. Thank you 🤧🙏🤯

Thank you. I learn so much from all your videos and the abuse I suffered and how this cruelty affected my entire being, is becoming more clear. I am happily in no contact with my mother and the flying monkeys, my two siblings. Slowly but surely my sense of the goodness and kindness of myself is manifesting. I have one last Narcissist in my life who I can't completely be rid of yet namely, my children's dad. But I have gained psychological and physical distance from this man. Every day is a new opportunity to build my self-esteem and finding that safe haven inside me. Your messages are all inspiring and validating. I constantly remind myself of the three pillars of recovery. I attend 12 step meetings where I have friends accompanying me on my journey.

Im freshly on the recovery journey ,after repressed memories of my beatings ,both physically and emotionally..as far back as i can remember.i remember fearing for my safety at age 3. I kinda moun in the 3rd person for that poor little boy

Wow. For the longest time I have been trying to put into a few short words what I Dealt with from my Dad and His family . I never knew how to describe it without writing a book. So usually I just avoid even trying to tell my friends or romantic partners why I don't have Family. Thank you! I think I cried through out the whole video. I'm tearing up now. I never really been into the psychology videos . This is the first time in my 40 something years that is exact Bullseye. Maybe it's time to revisit this part of my life. Maybe some more Healing is needed.!? I am so Triggered 🤔

Thank you. I find myself in the painful and familiar place of being the scapegoat in my now split up marriage and family. My 16 yo daughter has severed all ties with me and has blamed me for every problem in her life and in our now broken family. I would love to see more content addressing being scapegoated by your kids, who of course learned this from their father. Thanks.

Thank you for your work. I was not aware that I was scapegoat, I was just a devil of the family

Thank you for caring , thank you for your videos 🙏

What is rarely talked about is the fact that scapegoat often become toxic, not talking about evil, manipulative but simply dysfunctional which usually will be expose in the very first serious relationship. All the things which were cumulating since childhood, being neglected, not prepared for life, love, job, nothing - will explode, and it will be NASTY. There should be discussion about it as well, instead of pointing out narcs and their vices. Scapegoat, regardless if they are genuine and empathetic are not flawless and when we finally recognize that we were brainwashed into internalizing false identity and role there must be also time, process of repenting our own mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior. Also, it is sometimes very hard to forgive yourself not just heal from being betrayed but other things as well.

My sister got everything. She is the golden child

I just came out of therapy after living with a sorry excuse for a father. The three pillars are perfect. It perfectly describes what I have just gone through. I now see things for what they were and what they are. If the rest of the family can't keep up, that's their problem, not mine. Sorry Dr C E Main, you lose. I am free!

I have been 3 years in healing. Narc parent didnt like when i put boundaries or protested the unfairness of his abuse. I lived 2 years alone with him. The first things i needed to learn with safe enough others was selfcompassion, and gentleness, and healthy boundaries. I was stuck in a pseudo-doormat mode, because everytime i set boundaries, or protested unfairnesss, my narc parent would try to override me. So that was like a blueprint, even when i left my house. A safe enough person who had similar childhood issues also encouraged me to be gentle over the years , and to start setting boundaries. In my job i was being treated really poorly, i was new to it, and it was fast paced construction so i had people talk to me with contempt. It was also shaming, and i was getting irritated by it, and putting up boundaries but it was like a little narc system really. So after many times of putting up boundaries, and it continuing i had had enough and walked out of the job down the freeway for 5 miles, and my inner child said thank you , thank you so much. Thats a moment i realized I can have my back, i had talked to a lot of people about the job situation, and a safe enough person did recomend that i set good boundaries, different people gave me different opinions , some that werent listening to my frustration about the unhealthy situation. The decision to leave and not work there anymore though was something internal maybe my inner children had had enough, and my willingness to listen, i had had some therapy, a safe enough friend that knew how to set good boundaries , and I took the action, it was difficult, the conditioning of catering to abuser was from my childhood, but that was supressing my healthy anger, and my self. Now i dont take crap from others, ive learnt to listen and honor my inner children and I am there voice. That way i keep seeing and finding safe people to reach out to and connect with and also do all the other unpacking , of this journey. Externalizing shaming messages, reparenting, journalling, grieving, finding safe others, staying true to my inner children , reparenting the abandonment melange, and finding relationships, where my needs and boundaries are respected as well, as me trying to honor and respect those of others. I needed a self protective instinct back on line- that was one of the things narc abuse as a scapegoat targeted. But im glad i have it back online and i feel good when i speak up for myself if i need to, its a healthy commitment towards those inner children!: that i keep for myself and those beautiful little ones!

Harsh. Good point about casting out. Like the parasite that needs its host to survive to continue to thrive, the scapegoat is essential for the family balance. Nauseating

Very Dear Jay, little by little, as I listen to you acknowledging for me all that I was subjected to by my narc family, I actually feel better! You have changed my life! Thank you so very much. 🧡🧡🧡

I feel sanctified 🧖🏼‍♀️

I plan on watching every one of your +100 videos. You so get this. Your insight and knowledge about dynamics is life-saving. One thing I found particularly helpful to me was that the NECESSITY of a scapegoat to the narcissist. My mother's envy and treatment of me were so intense, it felt like she regarded me as breathing the air that was reserved for her. There was a crazed zombi-like quality, that they are single-mindedly driven to get your soul. This understanding helped me to realize a) no point to try to understand their rationale. Like the sayings "You can't reason someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into to begin with." b) It was never me.

'The scapegoat is no-one to anybody'.... So sad.

Omg legit 100% accurate I just woke up to this xxx thank you so much for these videos I need to heal myself so that I can have healthy relationships stop self sabotaging beliefs and stop turning other people into assholes who abandon me

Thank you so much. In time I will do the online course. My siblings, some more than others behave very badly toward me. It is quite shocking and deliberate. One in particular is quite a victim of “depression”We all grew up in the same home. My great reluctance about the Facebook Group is that I have no idea if I may encounter people like that there.