Seinfeld and Friends - The Mohel
From the script:
"MOHEL
Hello, hello, I'm the mohel. It's very nice to meet you all...
A PAN CLANGS TO THE GROUND. THE MOHEL SNAPS.
MOHEL (CONT'D)
Oh! What was that?!? Jeez. Scared the hell out of me. My god. I
almost had a heart attack!
THE CROWD GROWS UNEASY.
MOHEL (CONT'D)
(CALMING DOWN) Alright I'm fine, I'm fine. Anyway, we're here to
perform the mitzvah of the bris and...
SFX: BABY CRYING
MOHEL (CONT'D)
(WITH INCREASING TENSION) ...Is the baby gonna cry like that? Is
that how the baby cries, with the loud, sustained, squealing cry,
'cause that could pose a problem. Do you have any control of your
child 'cause this is the time to exercise it when baby is crying
in that high-pitched, squealing tone that can drive you
insane?!!!
MRS. FLICK TAKES THE BABY INT OTHER ROOM. THE MOHEL MASSAGES HIS
FOREHEAD.
ELAINE
Did you find the place alright?
Mohel
Did I find it alright? I mean could you send me to a more
dangerous neighborhood? I'm dreading walking back to the subway,
someone shouldn't crack me over the head and steal my bag,
'accuse I'll be lying there on the street in this neighborhood
and people will spit on me and empty my pockets. I'll lie in the
gutter like a bum, like a dog, like a mutt, like an animal! God
forbid someone should help me or call an ambulance. No, that's
too much trouble to pick up a phone and press a few buttons. Ahh!
What's the point.
Elaine
Do you feel alright?
Mohel
(TO ELAINE - INTERRUPTING) Darling, you see where that glass is?
How that glass is near the edge of the table. You got the whole
table there to put the glass, why you chose the absolute edge, so
half the glass is hanging off the table, you breath and that
glass falls over, then you're gonna have broken glass on the
carpet, embedded in the carpet fibers, deep, deep in the shag,
broken glass, bits of broken glass that you never get out. you
can't get it out with a vacuum cleaner. Even on your hands and
knees with a magnifying glass, you can't get all the pieces, and
then you think you got it all and two years later, you're walkin'
barefoot and you step on a piece of broken glass and you kill
yourself, is that what you want? I don't think you want that, is
it? .. Do you?
THE MOHEL BEGINS TWITCHING. ANGLE ON: ELAINE AND MYRA.
ELAINE
(TO MYRA; ON THE 'QT') He's very highly recommended.
ANGLE ON: JERRY AND KRAMER
KRAMER
(TO JERRY; ON THE 'QT') The mohel is twitching.
Mohel
Who's holding the baby? Hello! Who is holding the baby?!?
NO RESPONSE."