0:36 - State Of Confusing 2:25 - You Start Investigation 3:53 - Coercion 8:39 - If... You are in a toxic relationship. 13:45 - How To Deal With It 19:08 - Everyone Is Traumatizing 25:23 - Trauma Is Everywhere. AND IT'S OKAY 30:10 - What Are We Doing Here? You don't really need to know 36:14 - We Are Built For Connection 42:08 - Final Point Q&A Section 47:11 - When You Have Been Hurt That Much, How Do You Heal From It Internally? 50:30 - The Reptilian Brain Will Keep You Traumatized

I love when you said “The real alchemy is when you change pain and suffering into a higher consciousness”

In my 71 years, it has come to me that covert coercion is the most common and insidious method. Media uses i. Politicians use it, Religion uses it. Authority figures use it. Lovers use it. Parents and children use it. And it is so easy, when you are sensitive and intuitive, to fall for it. But intuition, I believe, eventually wakes us up.

I spent my childhood in the library psychology section during the seventies, trying to work out what the hell was going on with the people around me. I had to wait for the internet to come into existence before I finally got some answers.

Candace DeLong, FBI Psychological Profiler, once stated, "People who are trying to abuse you know exactly how to use the subtle technique that flies under the radar." "They use that subtle verbal technique purposely for you to question yourself and your judgment." "The abuser still needs to appear socially appropriate."

Richard, I’ve been watching you since 2016 and was in an abusive relationship with a psycho and now I’m with a wonderful man, like you. I remember I’d watch your videos back then and wish I could be blessed with a man like you. Someone kind and understanding and who has experience with abusive partners and has grown from it and of course a handsome and happy man (like you) and I got him! You have been a huge part of my self healing and recovery and I’m so grateful for you and your channel. Thank you.

The confusion. Right from day one. 4 years of confusion which left me a shell of a person. Unable to make any decisions because I had zero trust in myself and my decision-making abilities. I was literally googling how do I know if I should leave my relationship! I actually found a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay lol! It should have been about 2 pages long, and just say 'if you've bought this book you should just get out!' Those were nutty, hellish times and I am loving my very easy life now. I know you say we are meant to have intimacy and love and connection but frankly I'm so terrified of ever getting myself back in any kind of situation where I start losing myself, I'm way too content and at peace now to mess with it!

I just want to send cyber hugs to anyone here who has endured a really long and difficult relationship where they feel bound by contracts/children or financial dependency with a toxic partner. I am so relieved and happy I realised when I did and walked away. (Ran then hitchiked through the snow actually. ) This going over this chapter has finished for me. Thanks for all the videos Richard.

Your investment in caring about humanity has exceeded what others couldn't hold a candle to. You are multi-talented. Your videos are so much more important than you may realize. I'm not saying this to patronize you. There are tons of people who are on KZfaq, but you have mastered many modes of discipline. The genius in your teachings is that you are able to include ultruistic, ancient & modern methods and cut to the chase. Well done Richard. How can any words express how thankful or grateful I and surely many others are, that you are in the world. 💙💙💙 It would be great to hear you extrapolate on the concept of impermanence and continuous becoming. When I first started meditating, I listened to Buddhist videos. It helped me to understand that change is the natural order of living. Clinging causes suffering. I am not religious or ascribe to any system, but the wisdom in the 4 noble truths and 8 fold path, was enlightening. ✌🌷

“Don’t hate trauma, but be ready to handle it”.... quote of the day by Richard Grannon ! Perfectly said Richard ! ☺️🙏💕

"If this relationship isn't right for me, then I'd really rather not be in it." Yep. I'd rather be free and on my own.

Young children cannot "handle trauma," they just endure it and those experiences have repercussions.

“you know when you are being covertly coerced, because you can feel it” Thank you!! 😔

My ultimate goal is to grow- this is where I always end up when I end any relationship- I'm accused of not valuing the relationship- untrue- I value it - I'm just changing at a rate and a way the other person isn't happy with. Do I stagnate to keep someone else happy? No- my life my journey 👍

My ex-narc always accused me of being a detective and also a lawyer because I was always defending myself and my grandson from his abuse. He even had the gall to ask me why I could have a 45 minute conversation with one of his friends without arguing. I told him it was an adult conversation and it was very refreshing to do so. Lol! When I would try to talk to the ex-narc, it was like talking to a 7 year old who has tantrums.

Emapths should find each other.. we could set up empaths dating app..but the Narcs will abuse it.

I can't find the emoji for "standing ovation"...

Richard, I hung on every second of that 55 minute video. Mind blown. I have just said STOP after 6 years of suffering in my relationship. Now to focus on re-sealing my heart. I AM MINE.

Dude. I'm going to have to re-watch this in chunks to unpack it all - this was amazing!

Thank you for confirming the "gut instinct " is something to be heeded. I thought I was being covertly coerced, turns out that is the modus operandi of my narcissist. I have learned over time that those "unspoken expectations " were nothing more than me being gaslit to carry out his agenda. I have also learned that NO is a very empowering word. Thx again for the wisdom--

“ only dead fish go with the flow...😁💕🌷

"That's a trapped human being man". THANKYOU! When someone has codependency because of generational, emotional, mental, conditioning etc, they will grow resentful of being around a covertly coercive person because of their inability to say no and serve out of unjust guilt and obligation. So of course a few years down the line, they will become bitter, nasty, manipulative because they feel trapped not only by the covert pressure from their partner(who could be a narcissist), but also by their own codependency. Thank you for clarifying that. People are SO QUICK to label someone a narcissist, crazy, unstable, just because they didn't receive consensual gratification from their partner. People have emotions, just because they display anger and rage doesn't mean they are a full blown narcissist. They might've just been trained to never say no.

I honestly appreciate the new path you are taking in your work by not over focusing on the narcissist but to empower people to deal with their own wounds and close the entry points to toxic behaviors and relationships. I truly believe this is essential for our healing path. It’s really great to see this side of you 💜

That moment in 'V for Vendetta' when she's in prison (with shaved head) and has that breakthrough and stops being afraid....that's a good leveling up :)

So refreshing. Thank you for not sugar coating what we need to do to heal and stop the cycle of trauma.

@thefalsecritic Its a great question, Imma do a video called "why its a waste of time to study psychology" and really piss the British Psych Society off! :D

Richard! That’s it! Absolutely it - the state of confusion is a reflection of the toxic relationship! I would spend so much time replaying the interactions trying so hard to “figure” out what was going on. Bless you. It makes it all so clear now. 💡

Thats exactly it, youre confused and look look and look and finally you end up finding narcissism. It took me 2 years until I found a psychology student who directed me to it and BINGO!

As a survivor of childhood incest aaaaaand more recently narc abuse, your rumination on how WE have to be our own prophets and say “stop”, stop these ways of being w one another landed kind of like a little miracle in my heart. Thanks for this, Richard.🙏🏻

I believe I heard we break the generational karma, when we choose to deal appropriately with it & to heal from it.

I’m so grateful for your advice. I am getting a lot from it, including an elevated sense of inner peace. Baby steps but I’m glad to have this support. All the best to you.

Richard, you are truly appreciated. Thanks for making a positive impact for humanity.

Richard, I'm friggin stoked to see you walk out into the light publicly. This is what we need.

“Generational Karma,” so true. We need to break the cycle.

This was absolutely wild. I cannot believe you know about the “but what about you” argument so many times I tried so hard to say what you just said about our relationship. Wow.

Got out of abusive 4 year relationship, 3 years ago, and still NOT ready to date, but out of so many videos i listened about narcissist recovery, yours are some of the best ones. Thank you!!!

You may have saved my life today. 52yrs of this. Thank you, so much.

I've watched this about 4 times now. This is really everything a codependent or anyone looking outside themselves for completion needs to know. It truly is, excellent analogies and all, such a clear, throrough, kind, thoughtful and funny message. Stop, shut up, by yourself, for yourself...Thank you again for getting through the concrete that is my skull.

“Don’t hate trauma.” Love that! How DO you do this?! This one is brilliant! So amazing. You are hitting all the high notes - and all in one talk. I really like that your background is so eclectic and you can so easily reach into your bag of wisdom and pull out what you need to make your point(s). Beautiful. Soothing. Hopeful. Listening to you is like drinking a chocolate shake😋. Yum!

Richard... This has got to be one of my favorite videos you've done!!! ✅✅✅

Wow the impact of this talk is mind blowing. The content Richard grannon delivers is a godsend .

I got my Helpdesk homies working on an edit if the Star Trek analogy with some visuals 💫

This channel has really helped re-parent me. There truly is hope for the future. Thank you Richard.

Wow, this was so much more than I expected from a video on “how to know if you’re in a toxic relationship”

I’ve talked to a couple of friends and a counsellor and I’ve been told I’m being hypersensitive and that’s just how men behave. Have we become so insensitive, socialised and adapted we can no longer trust our instincts? Bad behaviour makes us feel uncomfortable. I look at the other relationships in my life, my friends don’t try to control me? Why do the men I date, question me or try to control me? And other people tell me that’s acceptable.

I felt confused, couldnt make a decision, crying most days, always questioning . he was talking to women telling them he was single. Saw a naked pic of his ex. He blew up in rage when i confronted him about it. I had anxiety, stress n depression. He accused me if going to meet other men. I couldnt talk on the phone. He would be right there wanting to know who it was. I couldnt tell him no.

This makes me wonder what happened to people when they stopped respecting the rolling hills, the sun, trees and the rest of the creatures. People have lost their place in the world. Humans are not everything. If you love the planet you can love each other. If you show respect for the planet you will respect each other just a little more. When I met my lost dogs and they recovered and helped me recover, I learned love without manipulation...just fun and acceptance. They grew old and passed, but I am grateful for the time we had. No human is going to push me down into sorrow again! Everybody needs to check their own heads. I am so grateful for Richard and the humor he gives this heavy subject. What a relief!

Wow “bringing the karma of generations with us and the battlefield is love” Its so refreshing to have someone bring empirical knowledge and education together in such a holistic way 🙏

Thank you for helping me to understand what is toxic behavior.

Excellent video Richard. I'm so glad you've moved towards speaking of the higher self. Through my journey, I've found I've used "victim" as an excuse, a way to blame others for my own choices. Through owning my own shit, communicating clearly and logically (not from emotions), and setting and holding boundaries, my life is on a much better path. I had a very real spiritual awakening two years ago that confirmed the higher self and oneness of all to me, as well as the fact we are eternal beings here to work through our shit and raise the vibration/consciousness of humanity. I enjoy your teachings, they speak to me. Thank you.

This is one of the best talks I have ever heard on toxic relationships. Thank you.

I Love the Woo ideaology........ it goes hand in hand with knowing yourself, understanding others and their behavior which is ALL rooted in beliefs and intentions. Point on...I'll keep watching 💯 Keep speaking Truth

😩🤣🤣🤣🤣u crack me up.. More then that.,I trust myself after listening to u. Unlocked a whole heap of healing..

That's what the true occult practices are, the alchemy of the self, the inner work, the great work. Wonderful talk. Thankyou

I highly appreciate your emphasis on how toxic manipulation actually is. In general. This is something, as you mentioned, that's [hyper] normalized way too much. So much so, that we almost don't recognize it when it comes along.

Jaw drop. This is phenomenal on so many levels the insight and wisdom packed in this monologue. Absolute brilliance straight up.

Calling spiritual truth "woo" is gas-lighting. Thanks for another great video. 😉👍

Whatever bears affinity to cunning is despicable. Fitzwilliam Darcy This Is so important and helps me Tremendously. Ty Richie yes leveling up because: endgame.

Richard -- phenomenal on so many levels. Some painful but needed aha moments. Pieces integrated. Thank you.

I love your videos more all the time, but I really love this one! So real, honest, straightforward , and thoughtful! So important! Forget math, I dare say I have learned more important life information from half of this video than my entire formal education. So comforting that thousands of people have watched this. I hope it truly touches many more lives and generations!

Wow. I was not expecting what I just saw. You have helped me get through my own relationship trauma, taught me how to heal and taught me to reach inside myself to want to heal. I really enjoy your way of thought and the way you convey your message.

I'm taking my heart home for sure, thankyou richard.

Just found this very insightful and accessible education. Transmuting trauma using alchemy as our individual life work is spot on and brilliant. This presentation gave me a huge opportunity to leap forward in understanding and a reasoned actionable path forward after a trauma bond has finally ended. Thank you for this gift.

Dude you are a genius. Love the Garden of Eden/alchemy analogy. Cheers!

Yes! Time to heal - definitely on that one right now! Thanks Richard, another banging video 😁

I love 'Go with the Flow' that is what dead fish do!so true. All of it. Brilliant

"...and the battlefield is Love." Richard Grannon, my highest appreciation!

Brilliant! Thank you again. Healing....sealing....alchemy of turning suffering into purpose...this starchild is a fan. I will love and accept and forgive myself.

Love you Richard been watching for awhile.I especially enjoyed your explanation of being your own prophet and stopping the cycle.being vigilant to noticing the manipulation of others and loving yourself enough to walk alone if communication isn't open...Boston🍀USA

I just stumbled on this... as I normally don't get time for 1 hour long KZfaqs --- but you know, we're still in lockdown in Melbourne, Australia. You really speak my language, all of the time, but especially going down this deeply esoteric and spiritual information. Yup, when the devil can't reach you he sends a narcissist 🤣 So yeah, Anunnaki don't want any of us leaving this world, so they do all they can to cause drama, chaos, injury, wounding and suffering to bring us back into our skin.

Just discovered you through a friend. You are brilliant. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge.

What finally broke me free from the emotional abuse, confusion, and investigation was finally realizing that either my perception is wrong or hers is; I feel victimized, blamed, shamed, invalidated so I want out. If she feels that I'm the problem and worthy of such contempt and hostility, then why is she fighting so hard to pull me back in and FINALLY now that I've left is "apologizing"? Yeah, it's pretty clear cut. Either she's abusive and I'm right to leave her, or I'm abusive and it's the right thing for me to leave her alone. By her own logic, if I'm the asshole who is to blame and shame for everything wrong in her life, then the right thing is for me to gracefully exit from her life.

Question: When I'm with a person who has a very black view of humanity, like "you have to be on top of the game to survive, there is no one you can trust in this world, women are manipulative, men are exploitative" and so on. I get overwhelmed with sadness, scared and feel intensive pain, I want to cry, scream to the person to stop talking, or leave the situation. What can this be I experience at that moment? I don't live with that type of belief systems myself. I feel and experience love, hope, trust, connections everywhere I am, with all sorts of people, animals, nature. But I grew up with a dad who has this negative, black and white thinking, jealous and judgmental about anyone and anything. Demanding all attention and servitude for only him self. I'm thinking, my reactions are my whole body, mind, soul shouting stop, no more. I do not surrender to your version. I have a right to my own. Anyone ells who feels like this? In pain, like being tormented by how negative, angry, mean, cold someone is in their expressions about other people?

You are one of my favorite people in the world. I feel like you are actually my friend,very mystical, simply love you so much. Love

U'r doing a HUGE service. All I had was a book entitled Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them. Once I got space & distance, I could clearly recognize that Love was a misnomer; exploitation on every level, verbal abuse, property breakage, & no respect whatsoever. To the community, he presented as a soft-spoken English teacher. Behind closed doors, I was terrified of him.

“I don’t know but this is what I’m experiencing” perfect

I love all your videos but this is my favourite!!! I even saved it

All of this really resonated with me Richard. Brilliant. Thank you so much. 💛

Just found this channel. Man you are a wizard. & I need your wizardry 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you. That was so profoundly helpful. I was looking for blaming or labeling and decsifering the behaviors. We were both operating from wounded positions. Nobody wins. I’ll be looking in the mirror from now on. ✨

I have seen that VICE documentary. Crazy. Sad to know that family are your enemies sometimes too! Learnt that the hard way 😏

I love the vids you did before and have grown much from them, but this more authentic and vulnerable Richie is WONDERFUL! I feel that my growth is even more enhanced as a result. THANK YOU my friend, thank you.

Thanks for stating what to do in this situation because I do not do the right thing. I get triggered and react. I get passive aggressive. Your explanation of how to communicate really helped. How to communicate correctly is what I really need to learn.

I coined the term "covert coercive control" in my mind to make sense of my toxic marriage to my ex narc. I tried to find validation for the term, I found one blog piece online, but I'm so glad I'm hearing it from you Richard and glad that you recognise it as a form of coercive control. My cafcass officer denied there being coercive control because non of it was overt- I was making the decisions to give up my resources to the point of depletion, but he was there in the background manipulating with silent treatment, withholding affection, refusing communication. And yes I was drowned in confusion until I realised he was emotionally abusive and a narcissist.

I felt like alice falling down the rabbit hole literally! But once i realise that the head doctors diagnosis of his bpd which i though was allbullshit at the time ,then it was walk and dont look bk and look at my own shit and why i got sick and i unravelled.

How have I not found your work before??? I am at the beginning of my CPTSD journey, I'm in kindergarten with this stuff... Thank you.

Thank you for this and all your other videos, man. I feel so stuck between trying to leave (while making it plenty clear) and not being able to give up the “Dream”. I’m in love, and on some level know that is being used, but I guess I cannot accept that it’s always been so one-sided. To me it’s been the greatest love of my life and hell on earth at the same time. I guess I know on some level he’ll never change, but accepting that fact of life is another thing entirely. It’s me who needs to change to save my soul. And the fact it’s so hard to leave it feels impossible is just INSANITY. Yet as much as I am aware of that, here I am… I’ve been here for 4 years. We didn’t even celebrate any of our anniversaries , I think. This year, we fought and “broke up” for the bazillionth time. God, it’s so toxic and exhausting. But I’m so caught up in the web on every level - emotionally and financially. You’re giving me clarity and hope. Your words literally feel like medicine. Seriously, thank you.

Be clear, upfront and precise. Amen.

Longtime watcher, first time commenting. This video hit me very hard in a few places. Especially between 24:00 - 36:00 (ish). Truly my narcissist was one from the outset (12 years ago) but, I see how bitterness and anger from my pushing to get married got much worse over the years. He left me multiple times when I started gaining independance as a band parent for my children. Each year for 5 years he left the relationship and moved out every fall when I got involved with my childrens band programs. I was the one always striving to get us back together and work things out. Which we did for a few years. The children are grown and out of the house now and the physical, mental and emotional abuse got worse and worse. The primary issues being gaslighting, crazymaking and constant dismissal/emotional abandonment. I have been in therapy for 18 months and I MANY times spoke to him just as you described in the video. I loved him and wanted our relationship and communication to be better. he affected to understand and make possitive change but before that point was reached all of the tactics you mentioned were used first (straw man, tu quoque, ad hominem). I finally removed him from my home in April. He is back with a woman that has been his obsession and has legit ruined all 3 of his marriages. Unfortunately I am realizing with this video the breadth of my influence on some of this behaviour. He never loved me, never valued me, never put me or our relationship at the forefront. Everything else was always more imortant. I had for a long time struggled with hope but, now realistically there is no hope. How do I find the aspect within myself that sought so desperately to secure a man I knew would never and could never love me. how do I find the root of this and resolve it within myself. There is obviously something within me that resonates with having a relationship with a man that I KNOW will never be genuine and true or love me for who I am. There is also the facet that I get some .... fulfillment out of hating him (for lack of better words) or holding it against him BECAUSE he never loved me and was unable to. What the hell is that all about? Clearly it has something to do with self worth. I just don't know where to go from here.

I’ve tried the bad karma thing and they usually stare back at me with empty eyes...and keep being toxic.

Listened again, Richard, this is one for the the ages.

I love your evolution, this is beautiful! Thank you for being vulnerable, and sharing your new found wisdom. ❤️🙏

You said yourself, we are here to grow, to learn, to give love!

…whoever dies the most wise, wins. :)

Mind f*cking Blown. One of the most profound things I’ve ever watched/listened to. I wish we could just interrupt EVERYONE’S regularly scheduled programming to bring them this Life Changing message.

This relates to what my therapist said. He said, if your gut pings and a flash of confusion or doubt goes through your mind, listen to it. Address it immediately. Do not ignore your own instincts, even if they're occasionally wrong. Trusting your gut is respectful of yourself. This isn't to say that if you have a paranoid personality it will work, just within the realm of "normal" intuition.

Brilliant thank u richard for sharing ur logical thinking and insight. 🙏🙂

Courageous. I happen to like woo. The missing ingredient. I thought judgment was the problem - the garden of Eden. That's what messed things up. heard in a cool share. Makes sense. Good or bad. That's the problem. And perhaps a solution. Acceptance. Ends suffering. Love you, dude. Legend.

Omg Richard this video has been SO beneficial to me! I love your work but this one really opened my eyes!

Great video! This should be broadcast during assemblies/work places/Homes all over the world ❤