Interesting podcast. Thanks again. We all start from zero, some people progress faster, but sooner or later, we all face the ‘Frontier’. Until we have some experience, we have no basis for being selective. Women don’t respect men that don’t have choice. So, as men we are driven to become competent. Competence is the basis for being selective. How we then select is something that we develop individually. I try to get 50% of my dances with people of my level (effort and satisfaction is mutual); 20% less experienced dancers, that need experience and 10% with more experienced dancers that allow me to take risks. The rest is variable. Regarding boundaries, it’s not the ability to say ‘no’, rather the enforcement of individual rights. I hate followers that crush my hand; accelerate their ochos; over energise turns; break an embrace; dance mindlessly; dance inaccurately. If after trying to make my wishes clear, the follower insists on dancing in a disagreeable manner, then I definitely have no problems telling her that we will sit out the rest of the tanda. The ‘no’ can be temporary or permanent. As for protocols (codigo’s), these were developed in the context of busy milongas. The enforcement varies, and has a LOT to do with individual circumstances. One detail about the cabeceo that surprises me few people get, is that it’s a subtle way to flirt, build attraction and anticipation. Approached this way, it’s pretty hard to misread a follower. I never force a cabeceo (I’ve done it and regretted the tanda).

For most people tango is a hobby. No one’s life depends on it so I don’t believe in charity dancing. I may dance with a beginner occasionally when I feel like it because it makes me feel good at the moment to “give” but never out of obligation. In fact, I’d rather “give” to a complete beginner than a forever beginner. Tango is my hobby and it should not feel like a pain, it should feel good. Period. I’m a follower BTW.

There is a great power and freedom when you learn it’s ok people don’t like you. Yet this is not an easy lesson for many to digest.

I enjoy your podcasts guys, keep up the good work :) You usually bring up topics that people actually talk about, and you're not scared about being controversial. In this age of hyper-sensitivity all around us, it's refreshing :) I believe I kinda know why this particular "nice guy" topic came about, Robert. You have always been the nicest guy out there that cared about supporting and building the community. And I totally get how you can feel being taken advantage of, since people take you for granted now (hey let's ask Robert, he sure will do it :) ) Since the Caltech days when we were volunteering cleaning up until 3 AM, you have always been a nice guy. Don't regret it ! Just follow your own advice of learning when to say no. It may take a while for other people to get over the fact that Rob is now "mean" :D , but they will get used to it. Besides - it's my very personal opinion that nobody should feel forced to dance even one tanda, because even your follower will feel bad if she senses that you are not into it. Once in a while I'd dance with a beginner or somebody who has been sitting for a while, but I never consider that as "charity dance". I always try to enjoy every tanda I dance, no matter with whom. The whole codigos issue is a topic that can easily give you material for 5 podcasts at least. Just please don't say coDEEgos anymore !! It hurts my ears lol :D The accent goes on the 'co" syllabe.

I still don't understand why this matter is being analyzed so much. There are no good and bad guys or girls in Tango(speaking for the dance alone). The reason why someone is dancing (or not) is strictly personal and does not mean that someone is bad(person) because he or she is not dancing. In fact I know some really bad people(as persons) dancing with everybody. People need to understand this simple thing and move on. Maybe Tango is not for everyone. Accept it. If somebody wants to dance and can not get dances, he or she is doing something that is definitely wrong (the list is pretty long😅)

I'm still a beginner and don't have a regular partner. So, I'd dance with anyone. Even, with someone who's just started learning Tango. I consider every tanda as a practice. Here in Jakarta, Indonesia. The leader to follower ratio is 1:5 (approximately). So, if you're a leader, the followers who will do the cabeceo 😁. The case is different for advanced leaders. They only dance with their regular partners or they become taxi dancers. I think, if you're an experienced leader, you might wanna "strategise" your action. Otherwise, you'll do charity works, like you guys have talked about.

11:20 As a leader, as a partner, you definitely cannot be too accommodating. You know what's best, you know what needs to rehearsed. As you said, it's not 50/50 AND, she rather prefer it was not, that's why you are the leader. She expects you to take a bigger share of the responsibility. Obviously, that implies you as a leader have to have a clear idea of where this partnership is heading. But it's a good example of how things in life are not always 50/50. I could extrapolate this to other aspects in life but that's going off the tangent.

I just do as I would like to be treated if I am out of town… I try to dance with the new guy if I see that he’s a good dancer… if not a good dancer but I have the opportunity to say hi and ask where that person is visiting from then that’s enough.

You are still nice guys when you don’t dance with people you don’t feel like to. Its natural that advanced dancers like to dance with people close their level. Some people have the entitlement mentality, thats their problem. You shouldn’t spend half the night on charity work.

the reason you care is ego why do you care so much? maybe too much ego? if you dance with "regular people" (your words..) is that because you want to be perceived as a community builder, kind.. (ego) and if you dont its because you feel you're taken advantage of, or wont be perceived as a "cool kid" ( your words) (ego) its up to you. and your ego perhaps you should dance to know the person.. in the dance.. and treasure that and think on that rather than houw you're being perceived. time better spent than contemplating whether or not you should be a nice "guy"

Keep up the good work

Sorry…we all start from the same place. Dancers should NOT GO TO MILONGAS if they are not dancing well enough. Does not do themselves any favour. But I usually dance with every dancer who doesn’t hurt me in their embrace. Also each dancer should not overdo their welcome . I think each situation is different….

Guys, OUCH!!! You're hurting my ears! Notice the accent mark on "códigos". It's pronounced "COH-dee-gos", stress on the first syllable, last syllable rhyming with "dos" (Spanish "two"), not co-DEE-goes. Anglicanizing the Spanish vowels is acceptable, but you still have to at least put the stress on the first syllable 🙂

I fearlessly say no all the time because its a sea of followers out there competing amongst other followers. Its open season for leaders and let's not be mistaken about the advantages we have. Yet, somehow guys are being taken advantage of? The need to talk about the perceived nice guy syndrome, to me, shows its a place you guys are stuck in.