So on point, as always. People-pleasing is also about managing our own negative emotions, through trying to manage others' difficult emotions. However, this is not sustainable. No matter what you do, how hard you try, sooner or later, you will disappoint someone when you choose to do what you really want or need. Therefore, working on getting comfortable with being authentic AND getting comfortable with disappointing others becomes a huge area to work on. Like, "this is who I really am, and this is what I really want, and it's not coming from a bad place, deal with it - or not". This (being ourselves) however, also requires us to reflect on who we really are, as you also mention. People-pleasing is just a relatively small symptom of an underlying inner world / personality structure that needs a lot of compassion and conscious work to become authentic.

'Why are they allowed to be who they are and you're not allowed to be who you are?" Amen. Love this.

I SO appreciate your take on this topic. I was a hardcore people-pleaser until I was in my mid-30s, when I decided I wanted to endure dislike from an ignorant colleague. So I did, and it was easier than I thought. Having an angry, alcoholic, somewhat narcissistic mother and an enabling, resentful father, groomed me to be on constant alert about who needed appeasement next. Once I stopped drinking at 49, I started shucking off more people-pleasing. Since then it's an ongoing exercise, to slow myself down before I slide too easily back into it. My truer self brought an equally wonderful man into my life, until he died. It has been SO worth it! He wouldn't have noticed me at ALL, if I hadn't stood up for myself! Right now it applies mostly to my passive acceptance of behaviors of my "limerent object." I've had no contact with him for over a year, which in our circumstances is an appropriate and assertive gesture for me. I like it. And, the "playing small?" Oh my God did I get that growing up! Too easy to do. Like my mother, I'm academically inclined and articulate. I've toned it down more times than I can remember, so I don't offend those who either haven't had my education or who are threatened by my curiosity. Now, I'm selective about who I'll share my interests with, and seek out those who have them too. Is this ever better. I'm ready to build a thicker skin, to live more authentically and accept all its results. And I'm becoming more forgiving and kinder in the process. Thank you.

I have never heard this subject being unpacked this well, Évita. I have recently undergone this kind of blooming into one’s authentic self and it is soo not a straightforward process. I guess the story of my life has been to make myself small even when I thought was fabulous or competent at something, just to be accepted, and later in life, not be perceived as a threat to others. Dimming my light on purpose for decades has led me to blurred boundaries of myself and what are important to me vis-a-vis the world. This has affected my relationships, my career, my quest for my purpose and happiness. At almost 50, it may sound funny that I am just discovering myself this way. Being authentic also does not mean you can claim a right to be a bitch and be disrespectful. I mean we can always draw the line in a kind and respectful way. My biggest realization is that I don’t have to apologize now for my essence and what are important to me. They are as valid as any VIP’s out there.

This video hit me so hard. Ive never felt so seen and understood. I am blown away how perfectly you put me into words. I have such a hard time making friends and being myself around my current friends because I’m afraid of being seen as annoying. I took a couple notes during your video. When you said that you make yourself so small that you don’t make an impression, you’re easily forgotten. This is part of the reason I don’t understand why some people want to be my friend, I mean what do I have to give them? I’m nice and boring, that’s it. I am deeply comforted by your words about finding the courage to be disliked as yourself and embracing that discomfort. I’ve always seen this discomfort as a bad thing, but I’m going to start looking at it as a good thing. Like you said, the things you’re afraid to show the most are the things that make you you.

I sometimes need to replace "they seem threatening " with "perceived or potential abandonment " because I see after an event that I fawn that they were actually not being good to me and the reason I fawned is because my subconscious was sensing loss... like the loss of my father when he left me and didn't take responsibility of parenting. I have to remind myself to be responsible for myself now as an adult. Thank you for your message. This journey has been so very difficult to navigate with all of the twists and turns.

Your videos are hard to watch for me but I am ready to hear this message now. The payoff and safety of living in fantasy and fawn is no longer bigger than the price I pay for it. Rejecting myself to avoid others' rejection... turning myself into an object performing and marketing its likability instead of experiencing myself as a subject that gets to choose what they like. A few weeks ago I wrote in my journal "I want to be able to do things that make people dislike and reject me and see me as bad". This unconsciously ended up happening and it triggered me so much, but I already feel so much more free now. Allowing myself to provoke rejection and seeing that I can "survive" it is so liberating. If I can only gain or maintain a connection by disconnecting from myself, I dont want it anymore. Ever since then my limerence has been decreasing too. I wanted to be liked more than I liked them.

An alternative shade of this from a male experience: There is (or was when I was younger) a virtue and honour in being the wingman or helpful "beta" in situations where maybe you didn't fit the role shoes of the "alpha" or leader. I remember romanticizing that role for myself when I was young and a very atypical male not well suited for various roles. I grew up by the mindset didn't change as I became a more capable male, I got better at being a wingman and robbed the world of what I could contribute if I prioritized myself and my strengths (beyond support and damage control). There were incel elements to who I found myself to be in college/university, but conversely many girls and boys and men and women over the course of my life told me sincerely that I will surely find a nice girl... until very recently (now in my late twenties and still likeable but nearing that "why haven't you been scooped up yet" and "why are you still single" suspicious zone). Fortunately, I've seen a lot of positive reinforcement for developing as a male in male groups and relationships. The types of toxic tendencies between the sexes tend to differ and so I can easily see that not being the case for girls and women amongst themselves. It annoys typical men and boys more when their peer underperforms, and the atypical men and boys are either high performers or outcasts. Male hierarchies... Highschool... Memories... Media and memes...

It makes sense why I end up resenting people in my life after a while.

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU AND THIS CHANNEL...

This is insanely well put. This channel is such a gem. Please don't stop make these videos full of wisdom. 🙏🏻

Evita you your videos should be shared so much that they go on viral. You have no clue how much of a help you are. No one talks so much on the topic of limerance than you. You are helping us so much❤❤❤ love and light to you❤❤❤

As a population, we should also come to recognize that we have this very relationship with our governments now. In the year 2020, this was shown to us explicitly, as people fawned, and out of fear, obeyed the most ridiculous and heinous intrusions into our personal lives and decisions. As populations, we have become fearful codependants on an abusive narcissistic government system.

Not only are you describing the exact situation I'm dealing with, but being greek, your face looks a lot like mine. It just adds an subconscious feeling of understanding to the words your saying. My immediate family settled in America, but closest relatives are all in Greece, so it's like one of my relatives is speaking to me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Thank you ,,, inspired at 51 to show up authentically... others were happy to see me fail.. happy when they saw me as lesser than them.. no more !!!

This was so well explained and you’ve articulated what my experience has been for majority of my life starting as early at my teens to now at 33. I still find I have a tendency to shrink myself and appease with such desperation to be liked to give me self esteem and validation. It’s becoming less with work I’ve done. I was raised in a narcissistic authoritarian home so I had to people please my whole life and had my emotions consistently invalidated. Thank you for your video, it’s helped me so much. Even after doing this work for the last 5 years it’s helped in new ways I needed.

Wow wow wow 1 thousand times thank you really thank you ❤️ just in time in my life 🧬

This is my MO most of the time (playing small) self sacrifice, so I'm not constantly in an Argumentative mode.

thank you for your videos. you are a light in this world!

i am so glad i came a cross your video.

Very well explained - excellent! I was an outspoken child, and my mother simply didn’t have the patience for it, so I felt that she was always irritated by me. Yes, I carried the people-pleasing traits into my adulthood, but have taken steps to resolve it, and I believe I have reached a point where I am completely past it. But I completely relate to everything that you explained so well here.

I'm one of your very first subscribers, was part of the first five hundred I believe haha. Anyway, I just want to express my gratitude, Evita! Thank you for sharing your God's gift to us. Continue making amazing content

Truth spoken here

Wonderful video! Spot on!❤

is it linked also when others become jealous of our successes, wealth and we sabotage ourselves not to make them jealous?

Dear Evita, Can you also do a video how does a person feels when a person is trying to get rid of limerance or object of limerance. I feel emotionally numb as though i have nothing to think of. Even though i have a busy life, successful career etc to keep myself busy. Thank you in advance❤❤

Thankyou for making this video as it has really helped me understand my behaviour and why I have been doing this people pleasing all my life.

Needed this. Thank you ❤

Whats your take on the whole MTBI thing? It has been life changing for me personally, identifying with a lottttt of things related to the INFJ personality type. It's really helped me

I find you helpful in many ways but you used the words, "meek" and "patriarchy" wrongly. Meekness isn't weakness (it's a virtue), and patriarchy is awesome when demonstrated correctly. Love an antifeminist, pro-patriarchy Catholic Christian who needs healing from childhood trauma (and no, it did not have anything to do with my religion - I write this politely). Your logic and expertise in this matter, and my Christian beliefs, which are rooted in Absolute Truth, will, no doubt, help me to overcome limerence and people-pleasing. When I can name the trauma, face it head on, and when I can find my voice and "talk back' to the demons, in the Name of Jesus, that are trying to take my life, I will be whole and carefree like a child. Jesus said we must become like little children to enter Heaven. He will heal me and use you as an instrument along the way. Thank you so much.

💗✨

You must keep in mind people pleasing is not exclusively or even predominantly a problem for women. As a man of above-average intelligence, all my life I have allowed myself to be put down by insecure stupid women just as much as insecure stupid men. And that's outside romantic relationships -- just in everyday interactions. My point is that it's not about gender, and I understand perfectly well where you're coming from: my father was spectacularly mean to me, too.

not wrong. But the true power of women lies somewhere else. Not being like men.