Death by one thousand cuts - especially by covert narcissists

I am getting away, I’ve officially mentally broken free of the trauma bond and I need to thank you and this channel for the support I needed to keep going. I feel FREE.

Death by a thousand cuts.😬

This kind of abuse is truly insidious and victims then gaslight themselves by thinking this really isn't that bad. Soul death through thousands of small cuts. And then you have people from the outside looking in and saying what is wrong with her, he's a super fun, nice guy.

Dr Les and Dr Romani literally saved me. I am poor and in a very rural area. Any healthcare is sparse and not great. I was 8 yrs into a relationship and so lost and defeated and wished for my end. Their time they gave me here on KZfaq brought me the clarity of what I was even living through. Then the wisdom to move on. The courage and hope I needed and a year later I am surviving and still healing and still come to these 2 Drs for clarity and peace. Thank you Dr Les. You made such a impression and educated me, and I've no way to thank you. I do thank God for you and pray for you in passing .

I needed this video 52 years ago 😢

Indication of ingridients for small doses of a master manipulator: 1. Backhanded compliments 2. Micro management 3. Push-pull management 4. Triangulation 5. Hot buttons push 6. Silent treatment 7. Stonewalling 8. Dangling the carrot technique 9. Dog whisteling 10. Word Salad 11. Isolation 12. Smear campagn 13. Belittleling 14. Name calling 15. Data gathering 16. Anger & Rage 17. Pity ploy 18. Amnesia Preparation: First of all I need to hook you and I am doing this by love bombing you (I am mirroring you) with my very charming and humble facade to give you the impression, which is of course just an illusion, that I am really into you. I am preparing you for my regime, which is total control. With the love bombing technique I am building you up. (During this time my mask has to sit propper which can be quite challenging. Hopefully you won't see a glimpse behind my mask, which could be risky for me at this state.) While love bombing you, I will try some of my ingridients from above to see how they will work on you. Because I have spent all my life working with these, I am really good at it. I am testing you to see what kind of supply you could be (1. emotional supply, 2. services 3. safety, 4. sex). Of course, I know how to dose my ingridients! Little by little because I am the expert. I want to make you dizzy, confused so that you will doubt yourself. You will get addicted to me for I will always give you a shower of hot and cold. For as long as you are longing for my dangling carrot and I see you walking on eggshells, I have the power over you. Can't you recognize that all my ingridients are invalidation? In short: First I have to build you up to knock you down afterwards.

Thank you! I was married 34 years to a narcissist. I finally woke up to the gaslighting and got away. Was a hard decision as a senior citizen but the freedom is sooo worth it!

My mother could start an argument over the most petty things, If I said the sky is blue, she might argue that it is azure.

I think they call this death by a thousand cuts.

I seriously can’t stand being around theses people now that why I get so angry around them there always trying yo hurt you it’s horrible but when you have family like this and your married to one of theses people it’s very dangerous and damaging

Sadly I experienced all of these over a 25 year period. Eventually we stopped initiating conversations with him as there was no point. The upside is that now that he is gone, we realise there is nothing we miss about him.

This video struck a chord, you have EXACTLY described my husband. I was the perfect “dupe” 35 years ago when I married my husband but 15 years into the marriage I slowly got stronger and more confident. Not overnight by any means but today (we’re still married) I follow my inner voice and I ignore his noise. I have made my life wonderful and fun. He has softened somewhat probably because he doesn’t want to be alone. When he is abusive it only acts as a reminder to be faithful to myself, maintain my own interests and relationships with friends and family and that is the ONLY way to be!

Wow. Spot on. And because the Narcissist is calm and quiet and abuses in small increments (albeit constantly) it can take literally years to figure it out. Years in which you can’t understand why you’re unhappy and stressed the whole time, and you think you’re at fault for not being able to handle it. I can’t get away from my N without making my life worse,but I don’t spend much time arguing or even trying any more. I gave up. I have to take care of myself. But the truth is that this hurts too, because I am a caring person who wants to do the right thing and wants everyone to be happy. It’s exhausting.

I describe the abuse like being pecked apart liked a well cooked chicken. They never, ever get better, just run before there is nothing left of you.

Trauma bond Finally recognizing it and refusing to play the narcissist game ⛓

Dr. C, I was just talking to my therapist about how this exact topic was missing in all the KZfaqs and books I've read. Abuse can be subtle and in many ways that makes it more devastating because YOU don't even believe you've been abused.

You have saved my sanity and my life Dr Carter - it was one of your videos that I accidently came across last July. After 32 years of marriage I finally walked away. The divorce, predictably, has been painful and expensive, but now I am free and I cannot thank you enough for giving me my life back. Now the challenge is to try and find out who I really am and what I really want. I am 62 but I have never felt happier. My ex had every single one of these traits that you describe here. Be brave and leave - the one beacon of light that Dr Carter taught me is that the behaviour NEVER changes and you must simply save yourself while you can. Thank you again

I learned from experience with them everything is about competition… I just pray that I survive.

Hi Dr. Carter, hope you guys are staying cool! Repeated abusive behaviors with failure to take personal accountability, that's narcissism, guaranteed. They don't deserve to keep being given the benefit of the doubt over and over.

Other ways that are a combo of shut down communication and invalidation are ignoring, not listening, "not remembering" things that are important to you.

I wish I had had you as a parent! If you have kids, I hope they know how lucky they are!

Something that's been dawning on me in the last couple weeks... I was telling a friend at my supermarket about no longer being with these 2 "deranged lunatics" (heh) and what led to it. I told how more than once, they BOTH seemed paranoid that I might be "trying to find out things about them" from their doctors or nurses. Which is absurd, as I spent more time with them than those other people did. But then I said... "UNLESS... they're really afraid I might tell people they know things about them that I know." And my friend blurted out, "THAT'S IT!!! That's EXACTLY it." And we both laughed! Even when they were accusing me of something, the accusation itself was a twisted backwards lie. They DON'T want you associating with people they know! It might destroy the FALSE IMAGE they've been setting up.

Small doses or unseen psychological terror that is only perceived and experienced by the targeted individual on a daily basis can be extremely destructive to a person’s mental and emotional well-being if it becomes a source a prolonged daily distress.

constant micro-abuse peppering

Dignity, Respect, civil , Stable , Honest, loving.

The small doses is why it’s very difficult to figure out what’s going on at first. Very hard to detect at first. It very definitely is a compounding factor!

I have been the recipient of every one of these abuses from my son's narcissist wife for the past 27 years. The lies, the gaslighting, the physical and mental abuse, it was always my fault according to her. I lost my sense of self confidence and felt like I should not even be alive. I'm so blessed that I found Dr Carter. He saved my life. Thank you Dr Carter.

Another abuse is when they loudly "own it" and say "I could have done better", but covertly say they're not sorry at all.

My soon to be ex wife gave it to me in small doses, Invalidating, dismissive, she was a victim when I would get agitated. I realized her dad always needs to be in control, if someone likes another person in the family better then the father. He sneakily breaks it up if you go to him for advice. He puts people down with aggression, then acts nice like nothing happened the next day. All of his daughters had emotional breakdowns in the last 2 years... thanks to these videos, I can see why. Thanks to videos like this I was able to spot the problem and quickly not get irritated anymore and start setting boundaries... she did not like that.

Condescension, seems to be the rule of their language, either directed at you or about others. I refute and walk away.

Invalidation, possessiveness & going silent- what I experienced growing up. I felt like I needed to find my true self after my parents died & I am now doing it with Dr C's help.

“The medicine that cures becomes the poison that kills” from Petra’s song ‘For Annie.’ The narcissist truly believes they are dosing medicine.

Didn't know it then but now that Dr.Carter has explained it, that's exactly how it all started out. Slow and steady jabs until you're sucked in without even knowing. My ex would start a sentence with "common sense would tell you" etc

Yes, so true about narcissists controlling your time and choices. This is a type of possessiveness people don't tend to think of (outside of relationships)

It’s the warning I gave my lawyer: the first 3 exchanges she will think I am exaggerating the problem. Then she will see it. Even I got fooled by the careful dosage…

Yes! Everything you said I have been through with my narcissist. Including the overt side of him. These narcissists are AWFUL! I have learned to be quiet and to keep to myself as much as possible. I know my God WILL deliver me from this abuse! It's just a matter of time, I WILL get the VICTORY! (Romans 12:18-19) If it is possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place into wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I WILL repay, saith the Lord!

You really seem to touch on something important here, Dr. C. My own experience with narcissists has taught me just how much they tend to go for the small jabs rather than the overt aggression. I think it has everything to do with how repeatedly carving away at their victim affords them much less publicity of their abuse. It becomes much easier for perpetrators to subsequently salvage their reputations with the usual displays of niceness and feigned victimhood.

What rips my heart out is the look he gives me when I start getting excited about an achievement. The smile drains away, telling me he's not pleased, and certainly will never celebrate with me. Instead, I'm crushed for weeks while he love bombs me to death. We're separated, and I'm just waiting for our son to graduate college in the spring. Thanks to vids like this, I'll stop thinking the abuse will stop. Thank you so much!🙏💖🙏

Something you said Dr.C. When you ignore the abuse because there were 'good times too' This is exactly what I have done in the past and I must be aware of to make my way forwards. Another important light bulb moment 💡 Thanks Doc ❤

One of the worst things covert narcs do is the unspoken disapproval and scorn that you can feel coming off them that you could never explain to anyone else. It brings to light how inferior they think you are, and it's constant. And perhaps a little adjustment in something that you've done, say a bit of dust on a shelf that you missed, pointedly dusting it without saying anything to you, but making sure you see them doing it, or offering to help with something that you've done badly (because when you're around them you get confused) so they can gloat, again, silently. Tiny little things, all the time. Makes you feel completely incompetent, and you don't really know why.

My husband says, "It's like being kicked to death by a bunny."

Every single one of these brought up immediate red flags in my head and now I'm sitting here like 🤯

These videos are absolutely therapeutic. Even as we heal and learn to spot dysfunction it can still hurt. Never too knowledgeable for a "tune up"!! 💜

I can tick off most of the items on this list as coming from my parents and/or coming from my child at me. It is brain washing. It is abuse. It is destructive and draining, and awful.

Abuse can be defined as intentional harm, injury or offense to another individual. Sometimes Narcs abuse in small doses so that over time it creates a cumulative effect, which becomes brainwashing. Common behaviors of these small doses of abuse: 1. Willing to argue about innocious topics 2. Shut down communication 3. Repeated invalidation 4. Dishones denial 5. Victim blaming 6. Motivation by ridicule, shame and guilt 7. One-upping your confrontation 8. Being overly possesive toward you 9. Consistent lack of responsibility 10. Giving the silent treatment Be aware of the covert messages they imply: > "You are a waste of my time!" > "You are so stupid!" > "I am the one who is in control!" Be aware: > Anger issues that are repetitive become abuse What can you do? 》Willing to speak up with people who can assist you 》Seek therapy, especially when you are trauma bonded 》Be willing to move away Dr Carter 👨‍🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈

This was a really good one. They're all good, but this one really clarifies what abuse is, for people who are hesitant to call it abuse. This is why it's so hard to get across to people what you're dealing with. If you tell them about the latest thing the narcissist said, it doesn't sound like a big deal, and might even sound like the narcissist probably has a legitimate complaint about you. Telling people about the latest thing can have the opposite effect from making the situation clear to people. It also makes me sad thinking about what my dad had to put up with daily for most of his life. He quit going on vacations because he didn't want to be trapped in a car with her for hours, but he was kind of trapped in a house with her. At least he doesn't have to put up with it anymore.

The main problem in all this is when they don’t let you walk away and move on and keep constant stalking you, every single step and employing tactics through flying monkeys and all kind of ‘shadow techniques’ on the background.

They keep score in the relationship which is certailnly unhealthy enough, but guess what? Nothing you do for them counts 😄

Spot on, Dr. C. 10/10. One more is the endless passive aggressiveness. Closing the door a little harder, expressing her “not complete” satisfaction with husband and children, banging things a little harder, not being as communicative - keeping everyone on their toes walking on eggshells. When the children have to regularly ask, “is mom angry with someone?” something is wrong! Of course, if you straight up asked her, she’d say “no” and spin that into an argument about us thinking bad of her.

I have an 11th, down playing; an experience you have, they will have it worse as a means to cheapen your experience so they don't have to show empathy. Thanks Doc.

My narc MIL is a covert, malignant narcissist. Been dealing with her hidden abuse for 8 years.

narcissistic abuses that come in small doses, if not contained, will compound like credit card interest and can literally/figuratively ruin your life. keep fighting the good fight. cheers 🍻 from southern ontario, canada 🍁

I am grateful for the options and information people have today to help them cope with this issue. I, like many, grew up in a time when this was not recognized, and as a child, you are powerless to stop the abuse. As an adult, you know something is wrong, but it is difficult to articulate the problem, much less figure out how to deal with it. Thank you for the video.

My inlaws. The lies by omission, the victim blaming, the complete denial of your reality, the sending of gifts no one asked for and don't make sense. I just blocked them after they bullied their way up for the birth of our 3rd child. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

"The dose makes the poison." (Paracelsus 1532, Swiss medico, alchemist, theologian, philosopher)

... "They just turned the discussion into a competition and you're always going to be the 'designated loser' there." Dr Les Carter... we appreciate hearing these facts as some of us need a constant reminder especially when the grandiose, destructive malignant narcissist is your daughter who has your Grandchild. It's a losing battle that I fight. She has manipulated and controlled me using the child and my love for the child for 8 yrs until I practically gave away my home to run from her and now I'm what I call, "The New Face of the Homeless." Those of us who came of age in the early 70s and became targets/victims of brutal narcissistic abuse not knowing what in God's name was going on. Too many people who are in positions to offer help to abuse survivors are completely ignorant of this type of abuse and when you try to explain it, you sound like the 'crazy' one. Now, adult children wno were weaponized by their dad, taking over where he left off. I feel like I'm at the lowest point in my life and needless to say, do not know where to turn. So, I must call it what it is and turn away from this evil and look to God for guidance. I can no longer pray for her... she's in God's hands. If there is a God and his wrath is real, I'm in fear for my daughter's life for what lies ahead for her. If not God then bad Karma will find her. I pray that my Grandchild is no where near when it hits. *(Gus only needed a "blanket fluff")*😊 (I miss my 2 dogs, too.😢)

May God Almighty Bless you Dr. Carter. The covert narcissist in my life uses ALL the forms of abuse that you've mentioned, and indeed in small doses from morning to evening. In the end; I end up being the one who is disrespectful; mean; rude; inconsiderate; heartless; conceited; know-it all (and dumb simultaneously); ungrateful; and even immoral and ungodly...

Well, I'd say most of the time it's the small dose abuse, the everyday dose of it, that accummulates: strange comments meant to triangulate, to diminish me, to let me know I can never something right. Thank you for yet another insight here

Dr. Carter will probably never read this, but he played a major, if not the biggest, part in my getting out of and over a 3 year relationship with a textbook narcissist. I did not know much about narcissism before I experienced and at some time eventually recognized weird, unhealthy behavior towards me. I stumbled across this KZfaq channel and started to understand. This was a major contributor to my extracting myself from this situation. I am after 1.5 years still in the process of ridding myself of some of the effects the narcissist had on me, and it is still not really easy. But I am so very grateful to Dr. C, more than I can say. Thank you so much! 🌻

Dr. Carter, thank you for sharing this. Had a Christian friend who hid this stuff very well. Small doses , until one day i said "no" to him. He tried to talk me iut if my decision multiple times. When he realized i would not budge, his mask came off and all he had left was a large dose, his one last effort to control. We the had lunch, and he went into full acuse mode. It was both sick and pathetic. But because i had been through this one other time before, it was like a shining light on him. In those moments, he looked so small. The sad thing, he thinks he justified in telling me that I can't say no , especially when it affects his image with others.

Silent disapproval of 'our friends,' until somehow his friends are the only people we hang out with, and we never see my friends. If I didn't hang out with his friends, I had to hang out without him. He did it with my family, too. And then stopped inviting me to his family things. And then started telling me he didn't approve of my friends, whether he was there or not. And then, when I was isolated from everyone but him, for fear of his disapproval, he called me 'a pathological recluse.' 'You never do anything.' 'You don't like going out.'

They want ultimate control. They want you when you grow up in it, to be what they want. You've two choices and most kids go along because they want love and care. The other choice means you're out of the circle and it's cold and they're not shy in reminding you of that. Having suffered the overt, the covert silent treatments were far more cruel. To withdraw love from a child is cold cruelty, to neglect their feelings. The fact these parents want your adoration and gratitude for being born and what they do and give you isn't a good starting point. Nobody should have a child for those reasons

And what I love realized over the 13 years is he will display this behavior to me; but he won’t to others; he’s the kind and considerate person to everyone else but to me. This is so on target…abuse.

Wow.. You just described my mother.. 54 year on the 55 year and finally i´ve left her behind, and thats one of the hardest things i´ve ever done. She´s 86 years old and i felt like a arse when i left her but its the only way to survive. Now i blocked her out of my life and i live by the sea on a very beautiful place for 3 months and still i feel depressed thou im free now. Why is that?

I love that you included intentionally causing offense in your description of abuse, Dr. C. That one is harder to recognize as abuse at first. Blessings to you both and Gus from California. 🐕

Thank you for this important video, Dr. C. These covert patterns of behavior can be very crazy-making because while one clearly feels mistreated by the pattern of behavior, it is very hard to think in terms of "compelling evidence" because every "small dose" act can somehow be rationalized. This is why it is so important to pay attention to how a pattern of behavior over time makes you feel. If the effect of disguised behavior feels wounding and traumatizing, this is probably an indication that one should direct one's heartfelt initiative elsewhere, despite the presence of doubt. "Less obvious" people sometimes appeal to time constraints (being busy) or professional status to establish a pattern in which other people have to obey them but they themselves have few obligations toward others outside of an idealized professional sphere in which they can claim high achievement. In reality, we are all responsible for spending our time meaningfully--and being subjugated is not a meaningful use of our time on earth.

I process and "wear" this daily, Dr. Not only damaging, but so lonely-making. My appreciation to you.

This is traumatic. Seeing gus helps and so do you Dr Carter. Thanx

My answer when obviously a yes or no will do. I'm looking for yes or no; not an argument. Shuts his sorry behind up for an hour to pout. 🙄

I’ve been evicted because of his disrespect for my home-no smoking allowed. He simply did as he wanted and now I’ve no home and his abuse had upped a notch

Great video Dr. C. These characteristics describe my mother spot-on. Wild to be figuring this out this late in the game (I’m 31, married, and have a 2 year old daughter). I haven’t seen my mom play with my daughter one time. She just talks the ears off of my wife (I learned to just walk away a long time ago).

Thank you for these videos Dr. Carter! I left my abusive husband 6 months ago after 17 years of marriage and 3 kids. He is now telling lies about me to my kids and they believe him. He even had me arrested on false accusations that I was abusing him!! It's a mess and he is making the divorce process so hard. It helps to hear your advice and validation. Thank you again.

Your title caught my eye. Like death in tiny doses. I'm so thankful I'm out from the marriage. Unbelieveble control! I guess this concept is why the pastors I tried to talk with about my h minimized things and tried to placate me. When a person experiences the WHOLE PACKAGE, it's devestating!!

His to go to was ,you have a chip on your shoulder ,when ever i vented my oppion ,they shut you down ,keeping out their responcibility of the argument ,very easy .

When you have a designated job to help a narcissist and your opinions/feelings/thoughts are trashed 10 times per day and you are on the edge of vanishing and you discover this universe it's all getting sense... And you are not pulling away anymore from yourself and you get the enlightenment that you are not crazy... And you are not mean and your opinions matter... Thanks again dear Dr.!!!

As little children we had no idea what was going on. I lived, not perpetrating the abuse as much as I could. Often at great cost, and also often with much help. Only in the last few years has it become clearer, and much of that has been with your explanations. Both parents were narcs, both had grevious backgrounds, both were very damaged, both took great something, utility?, in passing it on. Understanding is helpful. It is a part of making some sort of sense. Some sense, of bluntly senseless and cruel behavior. Next is how to heal, how do we do that? Do we just have to accept that some things will never be fixed. That hurts. But at this point childhood cannot be fixed. Some damages cannot be fixed. Do you have suggestions for healing?

thank you so very much. this exactly had been my situation. Me constantly 'forgiving and forgetting' has been more of my positive projection onto the relationship, but i'm learning boundaries better. videos such as this one really really helps. thank you again.

"what have I done to cause you to talk to me with such contempt...?" Answer: how dare you accuse me of such a thing, what that means is you're asking to be treated that way!"

I am the one who got away and glad I did! I have had several narcissistic relationships and now I am truly healed ❤❤❤😢😢😢this abuse drains you mentally and emotionally

Dr C - you have to do a video on dog whistling - covert narcissists use this a lot especially in family gatherings on holidays or birthdays especially at the dinner table - it’s linked to triangulation- - sadly it leads to reactive abuse by the empath target who’s the main narcissistic supply - thanks !

The way you end these videos with concern and understanding always gives me a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I did a lot of therapy and it was worthwhile and helped immensely, but obviously I still have some part of me that was not cared for and this touches it. Thank you.

the Covert that stabbed my back is rather smart and knows to be subtle and highly two-faced. his belittling and condescending and manipulating are far and in-between. yet his BSing and laying about himself is almost a constant. whatever you talk about the word "I" comes out of his mouth! he's a "big shot" yet his friends that he sees most can see him. they have commented to me about how they know his mommy has paid his way all his life. I have come to pity him for I see he has to live with himself. he is older now, has no wife, no kids, no grandchildren. just his lies and BS.

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for your extraordinary, accurate description of what I went through, that I never anticipated, but discovered in retrospect. I have learned so much. Knowledge has only added to my life.

Me: "The sky is blue." The Narcissist: "No its not. It's light blue. Why do you always think you know everything? You thought our car was blue and it's purple. I can't stand blue. You know blue is the color of depression. Why do you think you know everything? Do you have to always point out the obvious? Why do you always foucs on meaningless things instead of these kids? Its funny how you sit there talking about the sky when you could be cleaning the bathroom for once."

Narcissists make enough effort to investigate you and every conversation becomes an investigation into your life , and they withhold about themselves because of the false self nobody is that good a liar

Listening to Dr. C listing these abusive traits in such comprehensive and thorough, clear details brings me back to the horrid, nightmare days of my workplace narcissistic abuse. Everything Dr. C mentioned happened. And by watching this video, it feels like blood starts to seep through from my old wounds again.

Oh my, this is what I go through with my husband. It is an ongoing frustration! It's not just one negative vibe, it is every single time I say something or every interaction. I will give some recent examples. I said "My allergies are really flaring up right now" He replied "You weren't that bad when I first got home". I asked "Why did you chop down my wild flowers"? (they have been there for many years, but yesterday he chopped them down) He says" It is not a big deal, you will be okay" He threw away a new bag of chips that I just bought, I asked him why. He said "It's no big deal, they were stale" Over the years, he has thrown so much of my stuff away and either lies, or blames me! Projects are most frustrating, he can never ever agree or negotiate, it always has to be his way.

Another great topic!

Thank you Dr. C!

This describes my mother to a T. Exactly what I had to endure as a kid and well into my 60s. 2+ years no contact and the better for it now. Working through/unpacking it all with a therapist. Get HELP if you have had to live through this.

I know a couple of therapists personally, and they told me they've never "heard" of the term 'narcissistic abuse.' At the same time, they're aware of the meaning of 'gaslighting.' Shouldn't ALL therapists of varying educational backgrounds be knowledgeable on 'narcissistic abuse' since it's common online?? And shouldn't students be educated about this type of abuse in PSY or SOC college courses now??

Everything you say in this video is exactly the way things develop when he is in that mood for the last forty years. I have learned to be more confident and not being manipulated that easy anymore. Moreover I manage to outsmart him more often, just by being honest. I got a very poor excuse from him saying: “I shouldn’t have said this”. My thought: you did and you meant it

🤔Dr.C you really need to sell posters that show lists of the 🚩s of both overt & covert narcissistic behaviors.Also a poster about gaslighting would be absolutely fantastic too.I honestly 💭 MANY of us would really like to hang them in our homes for quick references kinda like how some of us have conversion charts in our kitchens for cooking & whatnot.

Moving away is my goal 👍.Gentle detachment is on the way .

I have a very narcissistic brother and it's very hard to establish boundaries. He abides by rules that no one else follows. Once he verbally abused me for 3 days, and if I confronted him he got worse. After 3 days, I gently ( emphasize gently) suggested he leave as he wasnt having fun. He went to lie down (narcissistic collapse) had a nap then said okay, maybe I should leave, and he left peacefully. The next time he visited he asked if I was having as hard a time as I was the last time. They have zero self awareness. I treat it as a mental disease they can't help.

I am 65 , was not aware of such sick behavior earlier. Going through channels such as this one, and a few good books like power of Now, A new earth, why are you, you, , Alchemist, the Zahir, Law of forgiveness, Ego is the enemy, Lifes amazing secret, The monk who sold his faraari, Seven habits of highly effective people, gave me such a insight I am so greatfull. Now I can smell it from miles away and douse it from far away😅. I don't participate in the game at all, just smile and walk away. We need to learn how to live with it cause complete walk away is not an option. Thanks❤🌹🙏 DRC. 💞🙏

This is very timely and is exactly what happened over time. I also thought was just anger issues but sadly can now realise after a pattern it’s not. Am disappointed I didn’t realise earlier

The most interesting version of #1 I've seen is attempting to argue about something you're actually in agreement about. I think for many long-term relationships, the small doses are what allows it to even work in the long term through the trauma bond because if it's really bad for very long it becomes obvious that you're dealing with somebody with a big problem and you're a lot more likely to walk away if you can. That's probably especially true with narcissists who aren't particularly attractive, rich, talented, or otherwise remarkable in a way that would make the love bombing more effective. I think that's also why the covert part is so much harder to describe to people. We all have our little toxic moments in relationships and so if you mention a one-off interaction to somebody it may seem like nothing. But the pattern over time is how it works. If I'm the narcissist and I can get a little dig in here, a little gaslight in here, a little guilt trip in here, I might convince you that you're not so great - you're no better than me, so you don't have a leg to stand on if you walk away from the relationship. And my love bombing doesn't have to be incredible, because you don't really deserve anything that great, and I've been convincing you of that for years. Maybe we can have a few days without a weird disagreement, or I say thank you a few times for something you do week in and week out that I never help with. Maybe I'm even a little more tricky and I create a little situation and later apologize with a blame shift so I'm able to say that I apologized for something while still being able to make myself the victim and you the perpetrator. The whole thing works together over time as a huge gaslighting effort, one that makes you believe that your perspective about me is unreliable.

Pretty sure I am trauma bonded with my sister.Super hard to avoid reaching out to her when I have not spoken with her. Our family is small. Convo always starts off ok, but by the time we are done, she has found ways to try to disempower me…ie. sharing conspiracy crap in areas where I am an expert, where I have written textbooks currently in use by post secondary institutions. But she tells everyone she gave me the book ideas. Haha. Now her daughter is the same, but worse in some ways. When I have attempted to talk about a recent fun event I got ‘lalalala’ (yup, like a kid). I froze because I don’t know how to react to this. She also tries to bond more through some of our shared neg history, but I do shut that down, as it was more my history than hers, but she likes to piggyback on other’s trauma experiences. I think I should get some therapy to help me stop reaching out. Thanks for these great videos.