"the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another" that is the key!

Went to the cinema with my boyfriend the other week. The lady at the cashier had her first day and messed a few things up. She panicked and apologized over and over again. He told her to calm down, that it's totally fine and that she's doing an awesome job. Then he made jokes about his first day at work. I love him even more in moments like these.

What I got from this: when desire leaves a long term relationship it is because one feels responsible for the other and is willing to give up their desire for connectedness. To fix this the other must let go of the one and let them know that you are still going to be there when they come back. Ask yourself "When do I turn myself off?" and "When do I turn myself on?" Communicate these answers with each other and use it to foreplay every minute of your day.

This woman constantly floors me with her eloquence and insight.

When you are single AF and you still keep watching about relationship things.

What I got from it is: you (both) have to be happy with who you are in order to be happy in a relationship. If you have a passion, if you are fulfilled in other field than love, you will give yourselves, and at the same time - each other - space to pursue that. Hence all the things she mentioned: no turnoffs caused by not feeling worthy of pleasure, no turnoffs caused by overly protectiveness, great turn-on when seeing each other being yourselves. Sure, I simplified it, but if you get individual happiness, your chances to be happy in a relationship and in bed are so much greater.

I've always had this nostalgic feeling about my husband, like when i look at him, its home, its my best friend, its this person i know, but i also feel simultaneously Like im looking at a stranger, who i could never even begin to know... I think that is the fine line you must dance upon, when you realize that you can never truly know any one, you can't hear their thoughts for sure, you can't even be one hundred percent sure they aren't lying to you. Whose to say any one has ever told the truth? we just dont know.... Well when you realize that... if you can let go of it, like release all stress that comes from that ultimate truth... No fear, or insecurity, paranoia or jealousy. You accept them for what you think they are, but they are mysterious because you dont know, factually what your dealing with when it comes to other human beings, and theres a huge illusion of "familiarity" or "knowingness".... You play with that illusion, of "knowing who some one is" and you feel at home... But you know you will never know them, so you play with that illusion, to be interested, to want to know, to want to learn the mysteries of this other person... And you get to know some things about them, and that makes the connection, and that feeds the desire for security..... But your always longing for more, because you know, deep down, You'll never really know him, or understand him... You'll never be him, so you can just play this illusion to get as close as you can, because whats unattainable is always desirable

This talk has lived in my DNA since I first saw it. It has been one of the strongest guides to my decision making and it has unequivocally changed my life for the better. For those and many other reasons Im grateful for Esther for her Interest energy and effort in collecting her research and Ted for giving her a platform to speak and share this powerful message

Mystery it doesn't mean always going to different places its looking at the same thing through different eyes...best fact from this Esther Perel.

This woman is so brilliant. Probably the best speaker I have ever seen at a Ted Talk.

I love watching my partner from a distance. I fall back and just watch him. I love the curve of his jaw and the nape of his neck. I love seeing him laughing with others. I feel proud of him.

When you can captivate a room of younger, middle age and older people who identify and/or at the very least, attempt to digest what you are saying, you know you are onto something powerful. Thank you, Esther ❤

Every time I scroll through the comments on this talk, there are always so many people who had something click in their mind and it resonates with them. Esther is an amazing speaker and it's so rare to see such a positive response to a TED talk on youtube. I came across this talk a few years ago, and it really helped shape my understanding of relationships. My partner and I have been together for almost 2 years, and any time I felt like that desire was waning I thought about why I was turning myself off, and being able to have that inward reflection rather than trying to figure out what my partner "wasn't giving me" made such a huge difference in how we would get over a rut. I feel like every couple should watch this talk.

I bet her husband felt SO MUCH drawn to her when she was delivering this talk :D

Married 42 years. In every video of hers I have watched, she's been brilliant.

3:40: nail on the head. We ask one person to provide everything we used to ask of an entire village…. And then we wonder why marriages crumble. It is quite simply unfair to put all that on one other human being. It is mentally and spiritually exhausting; it turns us all into vampires.

*doesn't have girlfriend *has test tomorrow *in youtube at 2:00am *continues watching

Her vocabulary has to be maxed prestige.

Radiant and confident while in your element - this is where the majority of people I know have attracted their mates. This is why when you focus on doing your own thing and not on relying on other people for your happiness, you find "the one". How quickly we forget this..

The secret is to never forget what started the desire in the first place adventure, lust, conviction and uncertainty. As Tony Robbins says the more uncertainty you can accept the more fulfilling your relationship will be.

Responsibility and desire don't work together. Erotic couples know how to resurrect passion. Intentional and willful Spontaneity. Thank you so much, Esther.

Wonderful speaker, this woman knows her stuff! Confident, elegant and touching, she inspires women who want to pursue their passions and curiosity.

Wow. What especially struck me was her explaining in what situations people feel drawn to their partner. My partner is very passionate over text and when I visit them, something that is not as prevelent in me. But when I see them perform, talk about a passion project and just express so much of their energy, I feel such pure happiness inside myself

This is hands down the best Ted Talk I've ever viewed, almost 9 years later and I can still learn from this. Thank you.

On our 51st Valentine's Day, I can attest to the truth of this presentation. Excellent words to live by.

What I got from it is: you (both) have to be happy with yourselves to be happy in a relationship. If you have a passion and are fulfilled in other fields than love, you will give yourself, and at the same time - each other, space to pursue that. And from that come all the things she mentioned: no turnoffs caused by not feeling worthy of pleasure, no turnoffs caused by overly protectiveness. Sure, it's not that simple, but if you get individual happiness, your chances of happiness in relationship and in bed are so much greater.

Death. Couples that understand that their time is limited(shorter than it seems) are always bring the best they can into the relationship.

When she said that people expect lust to fall from the heaven when you're folding the laundry, I thought "It'd fall from heaven if HE was folding the laundry" XD

The part about being most drawn to your partner when they're doing what their passionate about... I totally get that.

I have to say that I like when my partner needs me. I need to have that relationship for many reasons. Sometimes she needs me to be there with her. And sometimes I need her to be with me. I don't simply want her, I actually need her. For sure we can survive even without each other, but it would be a much more miserable life.

Great speech! Sexual desire and passion cannot be really powerful without space, distance, mystery, uncertainty and naughtyness.

honestly, one of my favourite ted talks or at least the one I go back to the most. so many powerful, genuine and inspiring messages, you can really feel how she devoted her career with the purpose of helping people navigate their relationships. love the village metaphor too, think about it a lot if we're not expecting too much from just one person.

I liked a lot of her points. My disagreement is with care and responsibility. It can be a turnoff, but sometimes knowing that you are cared for is a turn on. Knowing how much your care is appreciated, is a turn on itself.

"in desire, we want a bridge to cross. or in other words, fire needs air. desire needs space." "it's when i'm looking at my partner from a comfortable distance. where this other person that is so familiar, so known, is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive. and in this space, between me and the other lies the erotic unknown. lies that movement toward the other. because sometimes as proust says mystery is not about traveling to new places but it's about looking with new eyes."

Genius at work. Impressed by the tempo, the jokes, the insight and the distictions and the fun she is having giving her talk. And this is already zeven years old now but it feels totally now and for ever.

"There is no neediness in desire."

This is excellent. It's a topic that she intelligently explores by going beyond just simply "living into" more of your own true identity and autonomy in order to experience desire again. She's actually dealing with some of the key struggles of humanity and what it takes to be healthily and fully the "you" by looking into the roots of trauma *SO THAT* you can experience freedom in desire. Like she said, you can be burdened with others fears that have kept your autonomy at bay from a very young age. This is so important to pay attention to. We learn to wear our parents fears like clothes we were never meant to wear, and that do not fit us. I loved her example of how you could literally be physically away from your parental figures who clinged to you for security, yet not actually "away" from them psychologically, until you learn to let them be responsible for themselves. I really appreciate how she shows how these caretaker type of dynamics can get confused with love: "If you don't care for me in this way, than you don't love me" is something many people have lived under since childhood. They have chosen to sacrifice their own freedoms so not lose connection with stability. Fascinating to even make that connection! We humans are complex and have deeply rooted identities that need to be explored, drawn out, and healed in order to experience freedom in our sexuality. The key, I believe, is to find out what we fear, why we are afraid of it, and what it would be like if we didn't fear it anymore. Who would we be? Where would we go? Where would our security come from, or more importantly, where would we find our securities tied to if avoiding our fears was not the central focus? And then the next step is to bravely and boldly go where we have avoided going for so long. This takes time, patience, and guidance that we can trust. It also take tremendous courage! Losing security and stability is a massive fear for many and it's often rooted in trauma from a young age. Someone may have attempted to live into their own good desires to explore and learn as a child, but then something fell apart, or they were punished for it. This robs a child of the necessary tools to become an adult. Adults need to be responsible, yet children cannot even know how to even begin to be responsible without being taught. They lack the tools under their belts that are learned throughout years of living life on their own. Genius.

I'm so greatful to have access to the thoughts of genius people like this woman. I'm only 24 and I am already learning such important things which takes others a life time to understand, if at all.

She gives so much information and wisdom in that video and I’m like “hold on, I want to take notes”. I love how she integrates her psychology knowledge to make it relevant for the subject of desire.

Love, security, and predictability, and desire , need not oppose each other. Gratitude for having found a loved one, for who they are, and how that’s a hard to find commodity, can lead to ongoing passion. So can realistic expectations: nothing but nothing stays the same in life.

Thank you Esther Perel for stimulating my brain's G spot with that talk!

crisis of desire = crisis of imagination

Relationships serve to show us how we show up in relationship to ourself.

You are without a doubt the best lecturer I have ever heard. My common law wife just left me a few weeks ago, and you have helped me know some of the reasons why. Thank you.

To Draw our attention for 20 minutes, in a talk without an audiovisual aid, it needs real substance, which this presentation has. Wonderful, with great insight into the issue.

This is one of the smartest women ive listened to in my life, thank you

Eye-opening, mind-blowing speech! Human mind is prone to paradox, and that fact often puzzles us. We need people like Esther Perel to help us understand that what seems chaotic or simply weird has an inner pattern.

Few people speak this much sense so concisely, thankyou for your wisdom

Ester Perel has so much to offer us and our relationships! Truly an inspiration!

How can anyone have given this a thumbs-down? Esther's presentation was absolutely amazing.

Esther Perel = Belgium’s most valuable export. National treasure. 🙌 ❤ 🇧🇪 (JC Van Damme was a close 2nd) This woman’s confidence, wisdom and eloquence are something the world continually needs more of.

Separate bedrooms is one way, you don't have to listen to them snore or release wind, you have a bed to yourself and the added bonus is sneaking into each other's beds for fun, it leaves room for mystery and fun, gives you both a break, the other alternative, don't live together

I just love Esther Perel she is so accurate about the dynamic of relationship. It's nice that she's helping us all to be aware of the pit fall of relationships. Awareness is always a good thing to prevent pit falls in relationships, not to say we should think about it all the time that we get paranoid, but to use the tool how to improve and prevent through communication between couples.

OMG!!! I love her accent!!! is so enchanting ..... plus she is really good at doing public speaking ( really good role model)

She's one of those unique ones who spreads original information, not some repetitive collection of others' right and wrong ideas, and in a unique way which is funny and enjoyable too.

I haven't heard anything on youtube that I resonated with quite as much as this - by the looks of it the whole audience was just as mesmerized. Esther is a straight maverick.

this is the third time i see this video and everytime i discover more things. i need to write a lot of quotes from what she said. awesome

This was the first TED talk on this sort of topic that I think actually made any kind of sense to actually try and think about how I can incorporate it into my own life. Good talk.

When desire has been absent because of personal journeys or of personal self . Radiant and confident .. or when a familiar laughs.. and freedom to surrender and feel safe - this lady truly makes it comprehensible to us all.

"Desire need space"; desire= to want, love= to have

What an excellent speaker. Great job.

beautifully explained. basically the whole point lays in the attachment theory. very psychodynamic, love it!

I think real desire transcends physicality. To truly be bonded to someone in a way that your passion for them doesn't fade is when you connect to them on an internal, personal level. People think they love one another but if they look deeper into why they are together or why the picked that person, the answer is in the word picked. To pick someone implies motive, even if it is unconscious. To be drawn to someone is a different matter to picking someone. To be drawn to someone is an internal longing that comes from a different space and so cannot be exhausted because it was never based on a consequence. That's why drawn is despite yourself, picked has reasons, reasons change and go away, but if you love and desire someone from a place you can't explain how can it run out. There is a difference between desire and convenience, there is a difference between wanting someone and wanting something from someone. True desire comes out of you ,you don't have to create it ,it's no effort because it flows out of you. People only have to make an effort because the desire was never really there in the first place. And that stems back to the fact that people tend to marry or date for the wrong reasons. While security and building stability are obvious things that couples should strive for you should not pick a partner on that basis. You are drawn to someone for a reason, you then as a team exploit each other's strengths and weaknesses to the benefit of the unit. If you do this you will have someone you want in good times and bad, you can build a business and even a life with anyone but if you want desire and passion to last its about picking the right person, there is no way around it. If you find you lack desire along the way you need to be very honest about wwether or not it was ever really there.

Wow! She's one of the best TED talk speakers I've watched so far. Great presentation and information!

seemed pretty clear to me: to keep your desire for another person alive you need to separate yourself enough to where you can make room for the "want" rather than the "have". you DO need the whole 20 minutes to fully sink this idea in though, IMO.

It doesnt matter the subject she talks about... each of her sentences resonate multiple meanings in my brain! What a great speaker!!!

Esther Perel is amazing. Insight, clarity, truth.

To me the way she describes love and desire is that both have the same elements withing them. Love is the desire for another, Desire is the love for another.

wooooaaa woooaaa all of my respects!!! you talk like a real professional, like someone who really cares for investigation and understanding of a subject... now you have a big fan!!! so many true tings, like wanting intimacy but space at the same time, and, well, just god, the whole 20 min were golden words!!!

Every single idea she conveyed is counterintuitive to current cultural ideas of love. If you follow the ideas conveyed in every single pop song about love you will ultimately achieve the opposite of what she is getting at

This lady has something to say and does a remarkable presentation on her subject matter. My hats off to her talent

Common reasons we are drawn to our partner across almost every culture she polled: 1. Being apart and reunited. 2. Seeing their partner radiating/being in their element/*confident...they desire you but do not need you as in caregiving=useful but turn off 3. Being surprised, *imagination, playfulness, novelty

She's incredible.

I absolutely love her voice and good content

Great lecture, amazing intelligence. her theories and premises are so cleverly thought through and then placed in perspective. And she delivered so much thought in 20 minutes that you really need a lot of time afterwards to process it. You can also notice on her facial expressions and the speed of speaking that she has a lot more in thoughts but not the time to deliver. I have watched many lectures by Esther Perel, she is inspiringly intelligent.

Never lose that sexual tension! Whether it be a sense of humor; a needed hug; or a Zen moment. Desire does not fade.

This lady is brilliant. Bless her for articulating these concepts and sharing this wisdom.

I absolutely LOVED this Ted Talk... this describes my previous relationship in so many levels... I should send him the video so he can learn something out of it, because after having broken up 2 times I don't honestly believe he did learn the essence of what I was feeling... :( Merci beaucoup Esther!

That wonderful woman gave one of the best lectures I've ever seen. She is a brilliant communicator not just in content but in delevery a true MASTERCLASS

Yes! I completely agree..............great insight. We want so much from our partners now. We feel trapped in the monotony of marriage and kids and family, and yet we want that commitment and security. It can get very boring, but divorce and dating look so much worse lol. Thanks for sharing this great research!

She is my all-time favorite TED speaker, so eloquent, so succinct, and funny to boot!

So, basically, to have passion in desire in your relationships, you have to have it within yourself, in your personal endeavors. If you are a boring person, who just gets by in life with the same ol situation, everyday, with the same ol attitude, and never move outside of your comfort zone for anything, then that is going to translate into your relationships. But if you are energetic, interesting, creative, and able to make the same ol situation into something novel and enjoyable on a regular basis, and you are fascinated by your career, fascinated by your life in general, then that will translate into your personal relationship and eroticism. Take-away from this: To maintain desire in your relationship, have a desire in life itself. Otherwise you just go through the same ol motions everyday, going nowhere and doing nothing, and that's what your relationship will become, too. Also: Don't have kids. Ever. Kids put you into a mindset of being needed, rather than wanted, and into a mode of providing, rather than enticing. You can't be the fun, interesting person that desire desires when you have to make decisions in life based upon the well-being of helpless humans who need you to be stable, regular, predictable, and reliable. Responsibility is the enemy to spontaneity and therefore to desire. So what do those of us who are divorced with kid(s) do?

1) Space 2) When u see them onstage or at work 3) novelty

This woman is amazing, I want to hear more. Also, she described what I think society should march towards: unconditional love. You can put boundaries and rules in your children without making it personal, without stringing them to your needs and guilt-trip them... Needless to mention adult relationships because it all starts in childhood. A lot of things she mentioned here, like putting into anthropological/biological perspective our unrealistic goals. But I think personally that it is really important to give some freedom to your partner. I am not into polyamory because I don't think I would be able to, but I would make an effort and try and give some freedom to my partner for them to not feel caged with me.

I'd say her advice is that you have to include the feeling of "novelty" in your relationship by avoiding the state of being an exclusive dyad, living mainly with and for each other. If you give yourself and your partner space "to explore" rather than showing a permanent need for the partner and don't loose the will to do things you're good/passioned at (maybe due to the comfortableness of a long-time-relationship) and keep a positive self-esteem, you're good to go....or something like that^^

This TedTalk was so good I watched it twice. Thanks for speaking and posting. :-)

Die schönsten Vorträge sind die von Menschen, die große Freude an dem Thema haben, über das sie etwas erzählen wollen.

Esther is amazing at shifting perspectives and so insightful.

Didn't expect this talk to be this good. It was very well thought out and explained.

Pure GOLD! Very few speakers are so generous in meaning and wisdom. So very much being said in so few words. Invaluable. Thank you Very much indeed.

Wow, one of the only great TED talks I’ve seen in the last few years, fast, fun, and totally on point. Well done!

I have a damn good wife and she has been by my side through all of the terrible things that I have done, through my addiction of 10 years, lying and cheating but has been nothing but faithful and forgiven me over and over again. I had to hit rock bottom and have the threat of losing my wife and my family to wake up after 18 years and give her the best me. Idk how she has done it for so long and still love me as well as seeing the best in me. Thank God I am getting my own counseling and I have been shown my issues all the way back to my childhood as well as marriage counseling we are now back stronger than ever and we are in love again like we were. I'm a lucky man I hope that everyone is lucky enough to find theirs

As a Person who was raised by a really over protective grandma I barely can feel pleasure in my life, Everything is so scary to me now, I grew up like the child who looks over his shoulder to see if his mother is angry, My last partner was someone who was exactly the opposite of me and my worries about him not coming back when he went to experience pleasure was taking over my life and I felt lost , I did nit have any idea why I felt that way till I saw this video, thank you so much Esther for make it much more clear for me

I’ve been there-“ Are you going to scold me? Are you going to be mad at me? Are you going to demean me? Are you going to treat me like a child? Esther, Thank you for this wonderful information! I’ve been free from this for several years now. 👏🏾

I absolutely adore Esther - what a genius of one of the biggest puzzles we try to solve our whole lives. X

Love this!! Bottom line, relationships are hard work but the right person will love it and get it done with you😘

she has a really beautiful smile

Woaah. What an amazing speaker! This is great knowledge being shared. Thanks Ms. Perel :)

This is by far the best Ted Talk I've listened to.

Nobody talks about responsibility, caring for others, scarifying your time for someone else. Instead 'me-culture' is praised and promoted in various forms such as the one presented in this video which justifies desire and selfishness.