It’s a ton of work and very much only for people who posses a mature heart. Thanks for sharing ❤

Bravo! Yeah they missed these important points..

Is this an advertisement? Lmao.

Hye do u guys ever break up? Or having conflict which cause u guy no contact?

@@diane11m93 I think if you have breakups like that, you probably should just move on. I know it's hard, but getting back together over and over doesn't usually seem to work.

Correct

That is interesting. Could you provide any scholarly references that focus on breakups? I wonder how the researchers define “satisfaction” in relationships. I also wonder what factors contribute to cause these partners to risk losing who they currently have for someone that matches their vision of a “perfect” partner.

Really interesting, thanks for the comment! I believe this happens to be a consequence of consumerism in our lives...

what are the other types of breakups please? :)

This is part of the reason why I dislike dating apps so much, I feel like it perpetuates this need to always be looking for the next best thing.

That's interesting. I think that stems from childhood. My assumption is that you had good parents that understood your needs and wants and you got used to that. There's nothing wrong with that! That's a healthy child/parental relationship. A romantic relationship is just a different kind of relationship between two people. A more give and take, rather than an unconditional love of a child. I tell my daughters all of the time..."No one can read your mind. Use your words." 💜

@@Leo-mr1qz You are exactly correct, I had parents that showed me unconditional love, so now it's easy for me to assume my needs will always be met or at the very least be understood. I've had to learn that in a relationship my partner can't read my mind like my parents seemed to always be able to do.

@@Leo-mr1qz It is pretty interesting though that normally we pick a partner that is like the parent that was lacking what we needed because it is comfortable or rather something in us wants to fix what is wrong in the flawed parent through the partner we chose thus healing ourselves. The type of love between a parent and a child and 2 lovers is a lot more similar than we think.

@@trooper744 Good points. My father was a workaholic and so is my husband. I can see where that can be true.

@@Leo-mr1qz It really helps us to do the introspective work though right! Thanks for sharing and replying back! I hope you have a long and loving marriage!

I completely agree - communication is everything.

True love has nothing to do with "romantic" couples.

Second part is so true.

Thank you!! For your opinion

@@zezuntxiduntxi would you be able to explain the difference

This is interesting and I think you’re right. The idea of being understood is great but if you have made big commitments while not having communicated different values, they are going to continuously cause problems because we all act on our moral compass. you’ll keep fucking up in your SOs mind and you’ll always think that what you did followed your true identity. It would lead members of the relationship to potentially hide when things upset them if they are trying so hard to understand someone else’s values that they simply do not agree with. It’s difficult because other videos from school of life present hiding ones sensitivity to ways we feel our SO has messed up as “mind games”, it’s like their videos kind of cross over and in real life would cancel each other out as soon as the context isn’t something black and white and values that induce certain behaviours become subjectively right or wrong instead of just the result of misunderstanding. I guess what they say about compassion is important when lots of people pin relationships failing on “toxicity” as opposed to miscommunication, but infactuation can defintely lead us astray from viewing our SOs values which may be different from ours to the point that we simply cannot understand them, accepting those differences doesn’t stop them influencing situations, it would build resentment. This video kind of makes it seem like anyone could have a long term relationship with anyone as long as they have maximum empathy, which I don’t think is possible.

Totally agree! Communicate is futile without COMPREHENSION

Feels like Alain de Botton is running out of insightful ideas.

I met some, and experienced in a relationship with, that don't even believe their own 'core values' because their actions didn't match what they were. Whatever their moral compass, their beliefs are. You are right that people can have empathy, love, be caring, understanding, good communication, and listening to their partner, but there's a reason why some of this is NOT enough either. It can strengthen a relationship to have some major core beliefs that the two have in common and truly act upon what those are. Doing their best to sustain them regardless how each person changes in life overtime. And as time goes on either they grow together or move apart since everyone changes in life. Sometimes those core beliefs expand or disappear which tests greatly how the relationship can sustain or does it break them. If it is broken then is it repairable? Are they willing to improve themselves and reevaluate what they believe or is it too far gone? That is up between the two people in the relationship, regardless what that may be.

i think youre very much right but understanding is more like getting yourself to the Mt. Everest with a heavy coat and crampons in the first place and ofcourse you need a map and the other equipment too but what use is that when if you are not standing infront of the Everest besides, if your core values are not at all compatible then, what are you even fighting for

Wholeheartedly agree with this. Just because you have a partner that says "I understand" still implies a form of a passive exchange - a conversation with a wall almost. There almost is a need for friction, or a livelier tussle that ensures the other party truly resonates.

Depends on the context on how serious that issue is, but for a lot of people we just assume (rightfully or not) that when their SO says they understand, that they do. I can't imagine second guessing my SO in this context ngl, but every relationship is different.

@Turkey God I don't think she meant they're not being genuine when saying "I understand". I think she meant that a more active contribution is needed and/ or goes further; meaning, they actively do their part to try and resolve the conflict because for only saying "I understand" can be a lazy way out of for some - with them thinking they did their part by simply understanding, and that's all they have to do. This seems to happen more often in A/B Type dynamics, whether it's just As' perception, or legitimate mental laziness.

I understand where you’re coming from

"I see you, I hear you and I'm not gonna do anything else." ...thanks...?

I think the idea put forth in the video was not just about asking people to "hear out" each other, but more importantly, to "acknowledge" their point of view with due and credible diligence. The "other" must know that their point of view was not just heard out, but also thought about in all earnesty.

Did you and I watch the same video? They literally say: "I understand, I'll try my hardest to keep this in mind etc".

@@eduardothomaz4261 Did you read the entire comment? I was talking about how there are instances where understanding and/or putting in the effort to get along may become difficult because people change and grow apart.

@@jusdani It is true that if people have _already_ changed and grown apart, then there would be almost no understanding, and there would simply be no scope for hearing out. But the idea in the video was that, inorder to arrest the growing apart phase in the first place (and possibly even reverse it before it is too late), it is effective to become empathetic by truthfully thinking about the other person's viewpoint and do something about it after such earnest reflections. The message was that, if you were to do that, chances are - you might actually not get to the point where one party has changed so much, as to irreversibly and permanently drift apart.

@@jusdani I did and it has no logic. People 'change' and 'grow apart' because they're too self-involved to appreciate the effort of sticking together. What you call 'changing and growing apart' is what I call narcissistic nonsense. But I am entirely sure this will fly right over your head so my comment is moot.

Hope you are right. Seems impossible at the current moment

Tina Turner said: What's Love got to do with it🤭😂

Another bot pep talk, right on cue.

I needed that! Thanks!

Thanks for your kind words also wish u the same

Hello

I am so pleased to hear this - very heartening. I teach communication to couples & also create safety for them to practice with my support. It's wonderful to see the difference it makes. Active Listening is a skill & a practice! Thanks for sharing 😊

mkeey

Gives me faith

@@theinternstake4671 How are you

Excellent!

I totally agree!

„2. Mutually putting each others needs FIRST“ before your own needs?

Relationships aren't unconditional and they shouldn't be - a degree of satisfaction needs to be the condition bc otherwise you stay in an unhappy relationship wasting your life. Adults are not babies. They can and should make choices and can and should be held accountable when they fuck up. And that can include severing the relationship if it's detrimental to well-being or just very far removed from what you want in life

These points are naivé and completely ignore evolution and natural human psychology.

"I am hungry!" "I understand. There. Feel better now?"

@@lacigoldude lol exactly. it's How To Get Dumped 101

Words combined with action. Communication and integrity. That’s the fundamentals of unconditional love.

I Just wanna say America sucks while China is leading the world

@@hermeslein6614 what the fuck are you saying

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

@@sammillsy I love this.

Same wtf... So messed up it's taken so long 😪

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I have everything except being heard

Grass is always greener on the other side but you only get to mow one lawn No matter if your single or married each have a good and not so good side.. I think people tend to get married too young. So much growth happens in your 20’s

Trueee. Movies and socmed have been idealizing romantic relationship too much it affects the standard of others.

@@kateskeys If you want children you should have them before 35 after that the eggs are not as good. To grow a family takes time and should be done early before 30's the 2 need to make something together that is theirs.

​@@kateskeys I agree with you

I agree with you. Saying ‘I hear you and understand how important it is for you’ is completely meaningless if the important issue needs some kind of change or action.

@@misscogito9865 agreed.

Agree!

Spot on!

Great insight. Im finding this to be true after 10 years of marriage. I need to find a way to communicate better.

Have you left him?

Why did you accept that deal? Well, now you know. It's time to talk about it and upgrade your roles

You are why I avoid western women. Breaking our ass working isn’t enough we have to entertain you “career aspirations”

I'm sure you'll never regret it. If someone else can't love, do it yourself.

DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY

🙌🏽

I agree with this. I have seen it.

Agreed. There's inestimable value in having good communication, but some people simply chase feelings and are very good at hiding that fact. They love the honeymoon phase, which many aspects of can last years, and then they're ready to move on no matter what their partner does or says to try and accommodate them. The biggest issue is that "for better or for worse" means nothing to far too many in modern times, and it's not always easy to know who sees the world that way going in.

This is explicitly true, I have ruined a relationship before bc I couldn’t be honest with my curiosities after said virginity was gone and I knew she was hella insecure. Instead of manning up and being honest about what I wanted I sneaked around like an asshole and fucked it over for her. I know now I should have been honest and I have worked on that trait 💯 for them, future potential, and especially myself. Full accountability on anyone’s own side is key, if you are too defensive you can never be self critical when it is effective to do so.

Lol! The video says communication is a huge factor. You've typed in your own message that "some people make no attempt to communicate." If pple don't say why "their needs aren't being met, it's still a communication issue. If pple don't say why "their needs/desires aren't being met, it's still a communication issue. Pple who don't say what the problem or cause for change is are have a communication problem and are therefore UNCOMMUNICATIVE. I don't understand what your issue with the video is. It's like you don't want to admit the problem you're describing is a communication problem. Miscommunication is miscommunication. I don't get what the difference is btwn your comment and the video.

That's when you both need to either compromise on how the partner that wants sex can still get it through other means, or break it off. This is a common issue and there's not much of a guide on what to do in that circumstance which really sucks.

Agree! Different values!

I hear you and understand you. It is pretty shitty. I have learned through multiple marriages and relationships that sometimes at the end of the day finding a partner that is compatible is far more better mentally then trying to constantly compromise and put in harder work than is needed. I am now in a very healthy and awesome relationship where the sex is absolutely absurd and the connection is amazing.. very different from my previous incompatible relationships. Good luck Tea Time!

@@trooper744 how long has it been in that last relationship?

@@trooper744 I feel when I hear people say you have to compromise as wisdom to a successful marriage than it can mean they didn’t find a compatible partner so “compromise” is the next big thing.

Yep

You are right

What do you mean by "love"? Do you mean the initial spark/butterflies?

@@elikorn7418 Caring for people?

can you explain this. i cant seem to understand

@@tinktinka If it is a pattern of SAYING they will consider it but nothing helpful comes of it, then it's just a lollypop. Sounds sweet, but it just shuts you up and it's not nutritional for the marriage. Words are nice, but not without action/results. There is a saying I heard in my freshman composition class: show, don't tell.

@@jewelweed6880 :) thank you

This. The words without the actions and efforts to back them up become very confusing. Lead me to second guess myself and feel unimportant/unworthy of effort.

100% agree

I’ve just come out of a relationship that probably could’ve been resolved had I/we learned how to respond to insecurities. The relationship was going great until I got upset when she went to pull away when I tried to kiss her one day. I didn’t tell her how it made me feel, I reacted by ignoring her txts, making my replies short and unenthusiastic and so on. This was disrespectful but I just didn’t want to tell her the truth, out of fear that I would be perceived as “weak” Then I got the silent treatment which made it even worse. I messaged out of anger and wanted to end the relationship. Things went on a downward spiral simply because we couldn’t talk about it. The fear of being undesired for expressing our feelings can be a barrier. Communicating in a calm and non aggressive mature way was probably the way to go. What benefitted me, was the break up revealed an insecurity in myself that I never addressed, I simply had low self esteem and was seeking validation through others. This made me act “needy” and somewhat made me react childish which is a red flag. I came to the conclusion that I need to work on myself, change the view of my self worth. Hit the gym, learn new skills, better quality social interactions. Eat, sleep better ect. Edit: If you read this whole message thanks😂

Women always wants the man to change and to fix the situation. Truth is, most women are terribly selfish, and lacking a fundamental self awareness.

I could have written these exact words. Thank you for sharing. I needed to know I wasn't alone in this situation and to understand it was right to break up. I stayed much too long.

Now do u feel that u r responsible for continuously nagging or trying to bring issues to get solutions n it made him suffocated.. I didn't understand it please elaborate

@@hsdiem0 It felt like I was the problem for expressing myself when something didn’t work for me. And now that I’m in a healthy relationship, I can see how detrimental that was. I was simply not the problem.

Love is a verb. For sure

Love is a feeling that produces actions, feeding off each other, love is a 2 way street, it is about receiving and giving. They call it abusive relationships when one person gives and get nothing in return from the other.

If they need to be front and center all of the time, then they're more towards the narristic spectrum, which is a relationship you don't want to be in. It will never be about you and your feelings. It will ALWAYS be about them and how they can get their next "fix" of attention from you. Take care of yourself, and be careful! Be mindful. 💚

if being with someone makes you angry, let them free so they can be with someone who understands them... and you can be with someone who understands you 🤠

@@0000song0000 let them be with someone who doesn't mind being angry

THIS IS THE TRUTH! THE FREAKING TRUTH! GOD BLESS YOUR MATURITY.

That's not true, some rare ppl have the empathy needed to accept and understand you..The problem is they might not be wrapped in the pretty packaging you require to be able to be intimate with them. Or they might be of a different gender or a friend much older or younger than yourself. . Or they may not be attracted to you and it's unrequited, they may be male but not attracted to women. The only person who loves and accepts you for who you really are may be your adult child or a family member..and to me that's a wonderful thing. Your one true love might not be a romantic partner but if you find someone,no matter their circumstance, appearance etc and they are kind and understand you and love you for your true self , always keep them in your life. Modern media focuses so much about romances between a man and a woman that ppl now automatically think that's the only way that love can matter..it's not true. In fact penetr*tion often has very little to do real feelings or love, just sexx.

Reading your comment made me realise that this could be one of the deepest longings of the human heart. For me, after i became a Christian & have a personal relationship with a God who loves me, this longing is being satisfied and i have grown a lot. To the point that i am OK with not being heard sometimes, and if misunderstandings occur or if the other person doesn't reciprocate, i'm still secure. Hope this is helpful.

Yeah, except no relationship is ever going to work 'for you' constantly. There are always going to be hard times, same as very good times, or just mellow times. And it's in the hard times that your commitment, your patience and your principles and willingness to make it work are tested. Relationships don't work 'for you'. You work for the relationship.

👍👍👌👌

If a relationship lasts it shows that you are willing to try and that you were already in a somewhat okay relationship.

I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. It’s hard when we talk ourselves out of a truth because we want to trust, show that we are not jealous or that we are secure. I once read the grass is greenest where we water it. Red flags are sometimes powerful signals that a bond is in need of nurturing - being attuned to this is a strength which many are tempted to pathologise.

I'm in this situation at the moment. All of his female friends whom he claims are like his "sisters" to him. They go off on long walks together and to concerts all the time. I'm not included. So many red flags with him saying "you're jealous, you don't have any friends,.." etc. There is some sort of emotional bond there. How can this sort of situation be resolved? I'm so tempted to walk away from this. I've put up with it for far too long.

Been through it for 5 years and now the guy is in a different country with a different girl, but the best friend is still there.

​@@jbidwell605so I hope you've moved up friend. You deserve better better know it!!

This is why I have a problem with girlbesties of guys😂. I am scared of this happening too.

men

LMAO i agree

Hahaha

hahah yeah i just got out of my relationship in which i quite literally gave everything and the reason for the downfall was exactly the content of this video i hope yours gets better :)

the problem is that pretty much every big historical civilisation follows the monogamy rule with polygamy reserved for the elite. all these alternative relationships don't occur anywhere else save for maybe small tribes here and there. monogamy isn't perfect, but it's still our best bet.

Shut up

Hollywood couples don’t even stay together lol .

Who cares what people did thousands or 10 years ago? Just bc it was done in the past doesn't make it a good or useful choice.

Lol no, highly disagree

So well said. I truly believe that because we are all uniquely different in our personalities and life experiences, the best advice we can take is from ourselves and our gut feelings. No matter how complex an issue may seem, it is up to us to look inwards and validate our feelings in order to find the most sound path to take. There is no “right” or “wrong” in life, simply different pathways we can take.

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​@@David-ky3lr you wanna be friends with me😂?

Agreed.👏👏👏👏

I agree! Sexual compatibility is very important to me!

Yeah I second that. I practiced a lot of patience, understanding, and open clear communication and it still got me nowhere because my SO was a narcissist.

@@AfternoonWolfSpice I obviously can't speak to your personal circumstances and whether or not your SO was, clinically, a narcissist, but honestly I think the term 'narcissist' has become incredibly overused and lost it's sense of meaning. A lot of the time, the reason why we view our significant others as 'narcissists' in retrospect is to do with the same ideas explored in this video - often times, when people are in pain and not feeling heard, they will of course become more aggressive and self-serving, which can be mistaken for pervasive, clinical narcissism at first glance. Realistically, though, the amount of people referred to as 'narcissists' would be dramatically lower if we collectively learned how to communicate better with one another, and had the patience to develop the emotional imagination to understand another's suffering. We are all, in ways, narcissistic, especially in particular circumstances; yes, there's a clinical diagnosis that can be made, but the majority of us sit somewhere in the subclinical region, suggesting that it's just an innate aspect of our humanity that fluctuates circumstantially. Additionally, what even is narcissism, if not a protective mechanism for coping with emotional pain? NPD is widely recognised as being the result of significant childhood trauma which has fragmented a person's sense of self and self-esteem. Right now, it's considered 'incurable', but I don't really believe that, I think we just need to develop more fine-tuned methods of communication so that we're better able to get through to those whose tendencies lean towards fragile grandiosity and disproportionate self-centredness. At the core, everybody just wants to feel safe and loved - if we are able to communicate this more effectively, the need for superficial narcissistic defence mechanisms is made obsolete and the 'soul' or 'true self' below is revealed. That's not to say that any individual is obliged to keep trying with somebody who isn't open to our current communication methods, or that it's their fault at all that there's been a communicative breakdown; rather, it is the optimistic goal for society in general, if we're to reduce suffering.

@@Jay-fk6mk well said.

@@Jay-fk6mk that's word salad

@@Jay-fk6mk My SO is amazing. I'M the one who is admitting to being selfish and wallowing in my own fears - thus reducing my ability to truly listen. A narcissist would pretend to listen, do the bare minimum and get upset/defensive when the SO complains at not being heard - thereafter gaslighting them into questioning their own reality. They play lip service and make empathetic sounds, but don't follow through with the action necessary to show that they've been listening. As you say, we all live on the spectrum. We all have narcissistic traits, especially when we give into fear and anxiety. Narcissism and selfishness are critical to surviving in times of scarcity, and wouldn't have evolved if they weren't useful. However, the purposefully manufactured stresses of today's society trigger narcissistic behaviors and emotions in times when they aren't necessary. It's up to us as thinking beings to self reflect and realize when we're overstressing over nonsense or some manufactured emergency in the news that's designed to cause fear and anger in order to generate profit. We need to realize when we're being cruel and idiotic. Even if we're screaming at someone else, our SO is there enduring that rage - soaking up that fear and hatred in an attempt to sooth us. Which is why I'm glad that videos like this exist, so I can stop behaving that way.

thats the best way to go about it! speaking from experience, this video absolutely perfectly explained what was wrong in my ldr and i can assure you, with that attitude and this understood, yours surely will last i really do wish you well :)

Update: we broke up lol

@@youcansoften are you okay?

@@youcansoften WHAT! Hope you’re doing ok ❤️‍🩹

means...you break up after you've healed each other? means you r not ready to put efforts into your relationship?

Hi pretty lady. How are you doing today 😘😘??

Hi Tuba I hope my comment didn't sound as a form of privacy invasion your comment tells of a wonderful woman with a beautiful heart which led me to comment I don't normally write in the comment section but I think you deserve this complement. If you don’t mind can we be friends? Thanks God bless you….🌹🌹🌹🌹

​@@nicolassmith1278 down bad, grandpa

​@@muntadar1655😂😂

Congratulations sister! Wishing you a long happy healthy life ehehe

that mustve been a relief haha your comment made me happy

That was funny Even Jake was using it

yesyesyesyesyes haha that was so perfectly put so much agree