Being around them, everything about them (unless you're doing saying thinking feeling behaving how they want) is negative, negative negative! The way they're able to control from a back seat is phenomenal. Plus they don't have your back! When the rubber hits the road they'll put themselves first, every single time. When they do something for you, there is always something in it for them.

One day I typed into Google " why would someone be cruel to you when you are ill?" . The answer came up because they are a narcissist. I had never heard of a covert narcissist. I always felt sorry for my husband. When I threaten to leave he weeps uncontrollably. Then pulls the same shit next week. If I had understood covert narcissism I would never have married him.

A covert narcissist will never forget a perceived slight, insult or a bad deed done to them. They will store it for ever, waiting for their moment to strike back.

My mother was like this. We were born to serve her and make her feel special.

"vulnerable narcissists tend to live a life of unfulfillment, constant strain and negative emotions." my ex, in one sentence. I was still wondering but nah... that's it!

Seething rage, contempt and the triangulation and scheming behind my back all while showing a nice face publicly. I didn’t learn he was smearing my name until the very end of the relationship.

Spot on. This is a perfect description of my husband's behavior. No solution, suggested for their endless problems, is sufficient. They don't want solutions. They want to be miserable and make everyone else miserable in the process.

you said they punish by withdrawing , give you the silent treatment and abuse through neglect by withholding things like attention Spot on.

It has taken all these years to realize my only brother is one,and at sixty seven is getting worse, so l am going grey rock whenever possible.

They have a long memory in regards to themselves, but no memory in regards to you.

My mother is a covert narcissist and my brother, the golden child, is an overt narcissist. He's busy turning his son into the next narc in the family. Both my mother and brother have made my life and my father's life miserable. My father is so beaten down by their constant abuse that he sided with my mother when I told her she hurt my feelings. I was disowned for standing my ground. I've gone no contact after counselling and realising that I was the scapegoat in our dysfunctional family. Life has never been better. That constant negativity and drama makes you ill.

Covert vulnerable narcissist wear a mask to everyone but their closest relationships. They save their anger and abuse for spouse or partner. Because their behaviors are not as extreme as a grandiose narcissist, they can stay years in relationships. I realized my ex husband ( of 35 years!) was a covert narcissist only after my divorce when I was in therapy. It is particularly devastating because almost no one believes you that behind closed doors, he was emotionally and physically abusive.

Chilling how accurate this is.

You must have used my ex-husband as a case study. Until recently, I denied he was a narcissist because he didn't fit the grandiose behavior that I thought was the only form of narcissism. Thank you for for informative videos.

Another sign of a vulnerable female narcissist is when you’ve known them for about a day and they take you home and tell you that you can put it in any hole in their body for as long as you like. And people wonder why it’s so hard to let go of them!

Excellent ! A female work colleague - Quiet and seemingly vulnerable (at first), lovely smile but...If I was in a good mood any day, I'd notice my mood slightly dampened after encountering her. With hindsight it was the back-handed compliments, her hot and cold attitude depending on her need for a compliment on any given day, jealous of attention given to fellow female colleagues, never at fault, selective memory, and absolutely thrived on gossip.... I kept trying to understand, to see the inner child - a waste of time! Been no contact, grey rock, since January - knowing I will never get a rational discussion about her antics. Tough on an empath being chewed up and spat out, but definitely an education on these damaged people.

It took a long time to realize that creating negative reactions in others, even to the point of being enraged, are just as yummy as positive reactions. It's just food. Manipulating someone until they lash out is prime rib and baked potatoes. Then they hold on to that play wound and will use it for the rest of their life. It's the gift that keeps on giving. The only feeling might be a Narc wound. Not hurt by the actual criticism, they're perfect after all, hurt that someone tried to be out of their control. And what I used to see as him being vulnerable, was play acting, an attempt to bring the target back into better control. It was a yummy nugget used to manipulate. Manipulate the person and manipulate others against that person. I often saw a split second gleam of "Gotcha!" in the eyes, right before the head hanging pain. Reality, it gave satisfaction. I had to learn to never react in front of them. Deeply wounded is not the same as harboring a deep resentment. I saw that being wounded crap as a way to get sympathy. Extra points if it was from professionals. CN I was thinking of would cry and "I can't take it anymore" then laugh on the way home, "I've got her wrapped around my finger. " One time he did the look vulnerable, down to the floor, sharing a deep seated secret he was suicidal to a social worker. She made us take him to ER. He was eating up the compassion there. They're admitting him. I go to get the boys. Come back. He's been discharged. He told me, "It wasn't fun any more."

I was worried I was a covert Narcissist (like my mother) but I always felt more like an HSP empath. Then I was diagnosed with Autism, so it all makes sense now! Still trying to tell myself I'm not a narc! I care waay too much about others feelings, but my mother thinks she does too. She doesn't

Ive got people who know my so called dad and they think he is great, old school biker guy, in a club and everyone knows him. They have even said "I wish I had a dad like you have". I'm like huh? He was never even a parent. He never bonded, he never provided, he only dished out shame and humiliation to me, it's almost like he hated me and wanted to injure me rather than give his child guidance in life. I know first hand what the covert narc is like . They have serious issues. They are very self centered and have no idea what's going on with others

Ugh, I hooked up with a covert narcissist over a period of time. Should have trusted my instincts. Even if we weren’t close he manipulated me and discarded me, and did it effectively. Plus he checks ALL of the boxes. And people around him doesn’t know about his narcissistic personality, they just say ”he’s been burnt, he’s just immature, he’s insecure”. Yeah, sure, he’s all of that - but he also has one of the biggest egos in town. Yesterday I decided I need to just let go. He will never apologise, he won’t feel sorry.

Spot on definitions, thank you for the re-validation. Covert Malignant Narcissist Father is a NPD superstar. Grand in the "I AM YOUR FATHER, DON'T THINK THAT OF ME BOY!" mode, and confused, weak and victimised when the overt control is not working. Exhausting and confusing, no contact from the whole family system for me is the only survival method available. I can only imagine the crimes I am now responsible for in their toxic, cult clan echo chamber. Onwards to healthy respect and love where it is wanted and valued.

A wolf in sheep's clothing.

These people are so hard to spot as they constantly confuse you... I recently realized my best friend of 25+ years is a vulnerable narc. It's a hard pill to swallow but it finally makes everything make sense

One of the best and most complete and easy to follow summary list of covert narcissist traits I've watched. I appreciate the manner in which you deliver the info as well. Easy going, not over-dramatized. Great video and content. Thank you.

My SO alternates between thinking she's the greatest thing since sliced bread while claiming I'm worthless to feeling like a poor vulnerable victim who needs "love" and unconditional support

that's a pretty accurate description of my husband..... Unfortunately for me, because I didn't now about the covert aspect, it took me a while to understand that he was a narcissist.....

Covert narcissist finally got fired. Team dynamic improved immediately 🎉

My dad only wanted one child but my mom perceived that my older sister loved him while rejecting her in the year after she was born and demanded they have a second child, which she would claim as her own. I was born to feed my mom's insecurity, and she aggresively tried to stop my dad from teaching me his good lessons to instead fill my head with her insanity. My resulting struggles in life are not her fault but rather the result of me reading astrology books as a teen and opening the door to demonic possession.

Ah Mother. Went no contact a year ago and don't miss her crazy crap one little bit.

I've always been wondering if I was a psychopath, but this one fits the bill much better. I'm not sure how to fight this, but I know it hurts me and deprives me of a better life. As a child I wasn't like this, I would like to go back. At least I'm not hurting anyone, I tend to keep to myself for the most part.

I’ve now looked at some videos about narcissism from other people - and can definitively say that THIS channel is the best, the most objective, and the most professional.

These folks are the worst. Had a friend like this & thank god she moved away to be someone else’s problem because as she aged - she was getting worse.

Same here! 29 years of telling me he doesn't want to be that person, however he is!

I asked God to show himself to me and he sent this video to my suggestions. This is my mother! And I am the scapegoat child. I have been abused by neglect and gaslighted when I react to the abuse my entire life. Thank you for this video. You have awakened a fire in me. I have to get away from her.

Yeah it's sad to me that when you really genuinely try for a rational discussion, trying to be very fair towards them it somehow never seems to go past a certain point no matter what you say or how much you talk to them about it. They may entertain the conversation and provoke conversations with you over those things, things you tried to talk to them about because they want your attention and will run you around and around in circles over something in your relationship for days, weeks, years, they never acknowledge the flaws in your dynamic no matter how specific you are or how often or how hard you try. It can drive you completely crazy and they just do not care, if anything they like the sense of control they have over your emotions through their constant denials. It's somehow both an inability and a refusal to change. Sometimes I would confront them on those things, and had huge fights over, quite literally, who was in control of MY life. I had to fight them over control of my own life, my autonomy and personal ability to make decisions for myself uninfluenced by them, I had many arguments over this after being depressed for years because I realized they didnt necessarily want to help me become "too healthy" mentally, too confident especially socially and definitely romantically. They would approach other family members to ask "what's going on with [me]" only presenting their version and narrative to selectively get feedback and reject anything that did not align with their control over me. I think they saw my ideas of "change" to be them losing in some way, or threatening to the relationship we have because I supplied them with so much attention and time, which any change to that is perceived as bad even if it means me being happier or getting what I want out of life. It is an excruciatingly deep and unhealthy attachment. They seem to be unaware of their own motivations to an extent but also keep secrets from you and will never ever admit to undeniable truths. They triangulated with other close ones and involve themselves on both sides of disputes as a pretend mediator just to remain in a high attention important role without any true intention of actually helping resolve the conflict, because they do not have to in order to get what they want out of it, to be the center of attention and feed off of everyone in it. This is so difficult to come to terms with and made me feel very rejected and used by those closest to me. I have reflected a lot internally and tried to remain healthy and grow, so I hope I do not become a covert narcissist myself, but I see how they feed off of and use others and it disgusts me, in a way I feel above that "need" even superior to it because I am not driven to do this to others and while lonely and unhappy I have learned over time to provide myself with what I need emotionally, however I am very close in relationships and feel easily rejected, have negative thoughts very often, high anxiety, and feel very seperated from others in general. I can't help but have suspicions over other people, my friends see me as both hypervigilant and paraniod, I'm a socially anxious adult who's attractive but barely date, I feel lost in relationships, boo hoo. If you went through this your are not alone, and neither am I.

My ex covert narc kept my cat’s ashes and special things from my youth. He also kept my dead mother’s jewelry. He claims I owed him money, I don’t. He is the single worst person I have ever met.

Covert ate really sneaky. For years my husband triangulated we family, friends, and i was put on the defense. He would never tell them he stonewalls, gaslights, and lies. The victim role is his big thing!

You just describe my life living with my husband in 11 minutes. Everyone thought I was a bad wife, not knowing i am going through with my narcissistic abuser husband. He's so nice to outsiders, but the children and I are being abused. All his friends side him based on what they see him do for people

This need for reassurance is a way to eternally regulate their negative emotions that they can't handle themselves.

After 40 years knowing my mother wasn't 'right' and the last 15 or so knowing she was a covert narc, I truly now believe she's Borderline. Though she perfectly fits what you've just described, the book 'Understanding Your Borderline Mother' also describes her behaviour exactly. She fits the Queen and Witch sub-types to a tee. No matter what you call it, it's very unpleasant to be around. But clarity on my part has made a massive difference. I finally know that I'm not at fault.

I’m 66 years old and have been under the control of my narcissistic brother and father all my life. My parents recently died, so brother is in full-on control mode. Fortunately, he has a new girlfriend who he believes is perfect and the source of narcissistic fuel forever. I see this as a singular opportunity for me to escape. I hate to dump this on the new girl, but they appear to be a perfect match. Everything you’ve said is 100% truth. I am winding up my parents’ estate as quickly as possible so that I will be truly free to live my own version of my life…for whatever of my life is left. Thank you for articulating this truth so clearly. I’m saving it for review.

My ex girlfriend is covert narcissist it took six years for these patterns to play out Such a shame that an immensely beautiful smart and creative women that I loved couldn’t acknowledge and rise above her feelings of shame and insecurities as a result of the overwhelming negative feelings she harboured from her upbringing. I believe her mother was the Narcissist Matriarch and unbeknownst to her was the cause of her behaviour. Such a sad and vicious cycle of manipulation that is repeating itself till this day. I now can only communicate with her with a sense of pity, and to support where I can, despite her continuing attempts to devaluate me and repeatedly try to justify her treatment of me in our relationship.

My covert was to bullying even with dropping me off at a dr facility for a procedure under anesthesia. Bullying, not picking up , not even checking on me. He was ultracovert

Very good video' s. Depending on the situation, a narcissist can exhibit overt and covert (mixed) narcissistic behavior. Alcohol does them no good either and if there are setbacks in the field of work or income (shame), for example: hide...NO: RUN.

Darren, please can you do a video on the Neglectful Narcissist? Although the narc in my life is definitely covert he has an added layer of neglectful behavior towards me and makes use of “weaponized incompetence” as a manipulation tool.

I think that I may be a covert narcissist, or at least exhibit a lot of traits of them. I read through one of my journals and the problems that I dealt with back when I was a teen to now (24) have remained largely the same. I feel sick that the only thing I can think of is how hard I have it in comparison to others. I want to improve and do better, and I do believe this is the first step toward doing better.

I used to ask, “Why would she do/say that?” Darren, you just nailed it!!

This describes my late mother to a T. My late father used to jokingly refer to her as "St. Jane the Martyr" because she made everyone feel "less than", that she was the only one who worked so hard, was so giving, why does everyone have to come to me for help, nobody appreciates what I do, etc. etc. But what it did was create a serious lack of self-esteem for me. The constant guilting-out and invalidating did a lot of damage, and it took me many years to finally come to terms with it. Thank you for your insightful videos -- healing is an ongoing process and these videos really help.

number 11...Paranioa/mind reading. Constantly, on a daily basis claiming they know what I'm thinking and it's always negative. Not paying enough attention or even a wrong glance, or just about anything for that matter, was met with 'you don't really love me' or 'you don't want to be with me' The constant reassurances needed from that kind of insecurity was exhausting, and so hurtful to be constantly defending myself and my total love I had for her....

Imply rather than saying outright

I think you must have study my husband for this video. The one thing I have not heard address is the violence toward my animals when he is angry at me. I have finally filed fir divorce!!

I think I'm a covert narcissist. In my worst moments I fit it almost to a tee. These days I spend a lot of energy fighting my worser nature and I tell people before any relationship about the type of person I am. I'm still hypersensitive and needy for validation, but I'd prefer that to lying and manipulating.

Same! My mom. She could of gave me a hint. I would of never guessed that the demon wanted me to expressively say "what a great mom.” The silent treatment ain’t no retreat either. Instant causes you as a child to panic and feel like you’re in danger. She would look right through me and act like I didn’t exist. Right after saying that we cool and we’re more like best friends. And never forget she said, that she loves me unconditionally. You know I love you unconditionally right? Then unrelatedly get sick after eating her home cooked meal made with love and passive aggravation.

This is my daughter to a tee! She does have some genetic issues and learning disabilities and has been in therapy and counseling for years and years. Medications do nothing for her. She can't live on her own but is doing nothing but causing problems in the home. Nothing we do helps her, and she won't do anything to help herself.

Excruciatingly accurate. Thank you for putting this so succinctly.

Thanks

Nearing 60 and exhausted from my covert mother, sad and frustrated with a sister who is selfish and lives in poor me land. Walking away from them both finally. What will never be hurts but I refuse to live the next twenty years by their terms.

Oh yes... Some of them are very good actors.

Thank U. So spot on. It's truly frightening. I never knew anything illness like this but my ex for 4 yrs is EXACTLY like how you explained. He's a singer/musician with an abandoned childhood. So entitled and turned issues around and just shocking! One minute fine, another minute turning into a monster!

Everything you've said I identified with. It's almost spooky. All these things built over time as I felt myself eroding away but was never quite sure why. I didn't know there was a boot until it was pressed down firmly on my neck. She could tell me a square and a circle were the same and I'd have believed her. Or I would have bashed them together, told myself she was right and force myself to never look at the shapes again.

Thank you so much, Darren!!!

A vulnerable-narcissist I used to know was absolutely emotionally soul sucking. Thinking about him crying for hours during the slightest sign of conflict still makes me cringe. He called me amazing just to fill the silence and seemed bothered when his constant empty flattery wasnt received with enrhusiasm. He was turning 50 and still didnt understand why his antics kept running women off. Lost cause.

Your videos are so easy to follow and understand. Thank you!

If a covert narcissist does you a favour, you had better pay it back when they require, if you don’t, you have wounded their feelings and damaged their self worth, from then on they will be gunning for you. They won’t tell you but you had better believe it. It’s better to not allow them to do you a favour, but be careful how you refuse as this can be interpreted as rejection and they will punish you for that as well.

Such a wonderful video. - - Thank you so much.

Found it very interesting And informative thanks.

Your best video that I have seen. Describes someone I know exactly, except this person acts like a grievance machine. Within seconds of a resolution that has exhausted you emotionally, he is bringing something else up from decades past and he can never be mollified. He feeds on sympathy, and will excuse all his abuse of you by bringing up some childhood punishment imposed by his mother. I can't be around him--he rationalizes every harm he causes. He has a reason for breaking every promise, all based on some overblown grievance from long ago, which he is too cowardly to say out loud, and you don't know what is going on. You can't trust him for anything, except a never-ending supply of hidden grievances. It takes too long to find these people out.

yep. fits to a 'T'. where was this video 20 years ago? thanks, darren

This is 100% bang on!

Thank you for another very informative video! I put up with these behaviors for decades and literally felt crazy. I am so grateful to finally be able to understand this and appreciate these videos.

It's like you've told my fortune Darren with regards to my parent who loves stonewalling. Completely accurate and spot on.

how do I know if I am the victim or the vulnerable narcissist? what about adhd vs vulnerable narcissism?

Sounds quite similar to what the narcissist does to the scapegoat.

You describe exactly my boyfriend for the past 8 years. Thank you very much!!! This is the best/most meaningful video for me, of all I have heard. It hit right in!!!

Trying to help my husband see these traits in some people we interact with on a regular basis. The first 5 minutes alone were gold, very applicable to our situation.

Your videos on covert narcissism are, as I know it, astonishingly accurate. "The Covert Narcissist Wife" video defines my recent ex of four plus years, with the only caveat being that she didn't idealize her previous relationships. I don't know if she is a narcissist, but I highly suspect that she may be. Though I'm still struggling with the fallout from the relationship as well as some of the choices I made along the way, I'm doing much better than I was before having discovered your content. Thank you. I genuinely hope you didn't have to endure a relationship with a covert narcissist to gain the understanding that you have, but something tells me that's exactly what happened. You matter, you are important, your thoughts are valuable, and you are doing great and effective things

i may be a covert narcissist. radical acceptance. this hurts.

This is very helpful thank you

Living with a woman who behaves like that is excruciating! Not just for the spouse, but for the children. Double for the spouse as it hurts so much to see the children treated that way and not be able to defend them because that would only make it worse. It hurts so much. Unbearable. 😮‍💨😪 If you have never been there, it's not easy to understand and you might even think the victims are crazy. I am happy for you if you never have faced that. O well, I guess it could always be worse.

Wow perfectly articulated!

It is mind-blowing to me how comprehensively you describe my father. I spent my entire life thinking that there was no way to tell people or describe to people what my father is/was like -- because they wouldn't believe it. (In other words: they wouldn't believe ME.) But you just keep coming up with one detail after another, one example after another of vicious abuse, and literally every single thing you say, my reaction is "That's exactly what my father did. EXACTLY." He was a sadistic monster. And in my 30s, I had a girlfriend who was a narcissistic sociopath. With her for two and a half years. It almost ended me. Even now, still wrestling with it, still being destroyed by it. Like bombing a town into rubble, and then bombing the rubble.

omg this spooked me a bit because i relate to 90% of it and see those behaviors in my past...

A great summary

Fantastic summary. This fully describes my neighbour of 7 years. The only thing I would add is ‘pets’ to the last part. This neighbour of mine has had two dogs die of seizures in the last couple of years and her current two are fearful of her. The poor things are miserable but she always has to have two dogs as, I suppose ‘attention getters’. I went through hell and back with her last summer because I offered to do something for her (she’s elderly) and when I didn’t do it right away, she snapped. I certainly didn’t deny her the right to have someone else do it either. She has always tried to find some way to get under my skin and I’ve never let her. Like slopping paint down my side of the fence when she painted her side, and feigning how bad she is at it and careless but not apologizing. Little things, but lots of them. All is better now that I’ve determined to ignore her. Thank you for the opportunity to rant! Keep up the great work!

My covert narcissist mistreated me on Christmas while I was pregnant. On the abortion day he was angry cause he couldn’t find parking and went to buy weed in the way home instead of taking me home to rest. Two weeks after abortion he said he had “hotter girls than me”, abuses never stopped until I realized who he was or what he was because he was not human with me at all. They will ruin holidays and special days for you, that is also a sign. They will diminish any achievement and use the things you trusted them about your life against you cause they know you me your insecurities and traumas very well.

That was a good video and nailed the description. So... now that we've confirmed that the person in our lives is a covert, vulnerable narcissist. What do we do about it? My only constructive criticism of the video would be to define the differences between "covert" and "vulnerable"; my understanding is that those are independent adjectives and are not synonymous but many people use them interchangeably.

You described exactly the man I was with wow best analyst ever!

OMG. I was sitting in the ER feeling awful, telling him to STOP YELLING AT ME. He kept it up while we were in the exam room. Spot on!

Thank you.

thank you for this

This reminds me of one of my university friends. He was quite depressive at times, and quiet and humble. However, once in a while, I would catch him seething over something. I thought it was just him reacting to too much at once. Well, great fortune landed into his lap after graduation and now he is insufferable. Thinks he's the King of England.

I googled what kind of person never apologizes one day. Then I realized I was with a covert Narcissist.

I'm amazed at this...this me 100%

Very helpful and clear summary, perfectly describing my wife of many years. In couples therapy, she is charming, winsome, and the innocent victim, turning on and off her sarcasm, victimhood, “good girl” performance, and tears at will, generally all within the same session. Our older male therapist was hopelessly under her spell, constantly letting her off the hook, and even lying to cover for her destructive behaviors. I love her and am committed to the marriage, but the drama never ends, and marriage is an ongoing battle.

The martyr.

#3 especially had me thinking of Barney Fife… and my brother who not even seeing AGS, has unironically quoted Barney Fife multiple times.

I would love to hear your views on the differences between NPD and Pathological Demand Avoidance

Good stuff

I think i may well be a covert narcissist. I do a lot of this without even realising it is narcissist behaviour.

Thank you, Darren🫶🏻 It is a good and thorough describtion, I only wish that other people around the narcissist were able to see it too; and not just the ones who are closest to them😢