Healthy Conflict: Marriage & Relationship Advice from Drs John & Julie Gottman

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Healthy Conflict: Marriage & Relationship Advice from Drs John & Julie Gottman | Podcast Interview

Рет қаралды 32,526

5 ай бұрын

The Gottmans give advice on healthy conflict in marriage & relationships. Drs John & Julie Gottman say conflict doesn’t have to suck. These iconic relationship researchers tell us how. Even though the majority of the Gottmans’ research is on couples, the advice is applicable to all types of relationships. In this episode we talk about:
- The three principle conflict styles
- Why we often don’t understand what it is we’re fighting about
- Perpetual problems vs. Solvable problems
- Why the first three minutes of an argument are key
- The simple sentence to use at the beginning of an argument
- How to downregulate defensiveness in an argument
- Why the Gottmans’ believe there is no such thing as constructive criticism
- Why apologizing quickly isn’t always the right move
- When a fight might spell the end
Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection is the name of a new book by esteemed guests Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman.
They are the co-Founders of The Gottman Institute and have completed over 40 years of research with more than 3,000 couples. John is the researcher; Julie the clinician. They have written several books together, including Eight Dates and The Love Prescription.
Learn more about Ten Percent Happier podcast at www.tenpercent.com/podcast.
Check out guided meditations alongside practical teachings in the Ten Percent Happier app. Click here [10percenthappier.app.link/ins...] to get started.
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Пікірлер: 36

@chilloften 3 ай бұрын

I adore them. This video should be played in schools on a daily basis. It is fantastic and all families need this info.

@TenPercentHappier 3 ай бұрын

We agree!

@alenaadamkova5322 Ай бұрын

So silent treatment isnt silent treatment but gift to both. its just finding a peace for the brain and recharge the mental battery.

@alenaadamkova5322 Ай бұрын

Actually brain-heart coherence is best way, when you practice meditationa nd mindulness. because heart has its own brain and neurons and it communicates in much calmer manner, in order to bring peace. Its called elevated emotions, joy, gratitude, bliss, empathy love etc. but some say ego is supposed to be the servant to heart emotions, or elevated emotions. because there are hundreds of times more connections from heart to brain than from brain to heart, which means heart emotions are smarter, they bring bliss, joy, happiness.

@ninamaria1339 22 күн бұрын

I treasure this host's humility! This couple offers practical advice...right at 30:00, they offer a great template for opening up conversations with the goal of respectfully coming to a resolution...getting needs met.

@flipc1983 4 ай бұрын

I absolutely adore the implementation of code words. It's such a good way to cut right to the point, when miscommunication might be actively occurring. "Let your amygdala speak" is freaking beautiful!

@TenPercentHappier 4 ай бұрын

Couldn't agree more!

@alenaadamkova5322 Ай бұрын

You mean like you care about the poartner so much.....that you want to prevent their chronic diseases like every diseas is 90 percent caused by stress,and lifestyle even diabetes or other.

@alenaadamkova5322 Ай бұрын

Actually brain-heart coherence is best way, when you practice meditationa nd mindulness. because heart has its own brain and it communicates in much calmer manner, in order to bring peace. Its called elevated emotions, joy, gratitude, bliss, empathy love etc. but some say ego is supposed to be the servant to heart emotions, or elevated emotions. because there are hundreds of times more connections from heart to brain than from brain to heart, which means heart emotions are smarter, they bring bliss, joy, happiness.

@TheSail2222 5 ай бұрын

Great conversation and so helpful. Wish, however, I knew all this all through our marriage. It just may be a little too late 😞

@TenPercentHappier 5 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing, sending good thoughts.

@Phoenix487559 5 ай бұрын

Beautifully put, thank you so much for this interview. I would like to say something about the way that she guilts him still. She has a fear she will die, so it should not be his fear as well. He should do it out of respect and understanding for her fear that she has. And she shouldn’t wish for him to also have that same fear. She says something like “is he really loved me he would do it so that I do’t die” and that builds resentment. Of course he loves her, that’s not why he’s foregoing on the task. He’s not of the same understanding that she is. He doesn’t have the same urgency, she feels disrespected because her fear of dieing is not being addressed. 😊

@TenPercentHappier 5 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing your insight!

@susydyson1750 5 ай бұрын

excellent advice as in my experience if communication fails love ails and finally very painfully dies

@TenPercentHappier 5 ай бұрын

Great insight!

@empress_highpriestess3307 5 ай бұрын

a truthful interviewer -- calling a spade a spade instead of going with a gracious response that conceals real life toxic dynamics

@TenPercentHappier 5 ай бұрын

Thank you for commenting!

@vanessalugoalvarado4003 3 ай бұрын

Traducción al español estaría genial . A varias personas latinas nos gustaría escuchalo o leerlo en español.

@coppersense999 5 ай бұрын

idk how to time stamp- 24:31, a little past the halfway mark Dan is saying he would evade the topic of the argument by criticizing his wife's manner of bringing it up. I could be wrong, but it crossed my mind that there might be something to explore there. He might want to dive deep on what he felt exactly and what made him feel the way about the way she brings it up. Then she'll be able to sympathize and won't bring it up in that way anymore. And i think the Imago model does a great job of structuring that conversation, at least the way I saw it play out on the Breakdown podcast with Mayim and Jonathan. In that case, for the purpose of Dan's healing, his wife would bring curiousity and ask about where or when was he first triggered by her approach to conflict. Would have to be at some later point when they are calm because it requires super disciplined for the questioner not to engage in an argument but to merely mirror what they hear, like a therapist. Great information! Thank you so much.

@TenPercentHappier 5 ай бұрын

We appreciate your insight and feedback! Thank you for watching.

@gaylaaustin7468 4 ай бұрын

The poor dog doesn’t deserve those 2 humans in the example

@ShermanKyle 5 ай бұрын

42:20 interesting, I’d take that comment about breaking a neck from the book stack as passive aggressive, but I guess when you have a humorous and healthy enough relationship that stuff works. Or maybe that’s a first line comment and when it doesn’t get done then she’d be more direct

@TenPercentHappier 5 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing!

@carolshannon6449 4 ай бұрын

Maybe it would vary based on tone of voice and different couples' ways of relating.

@BachBusoni 4 ай бұрын

It does seem like an unfair way of framing the issue to make it absolutely critical to her physical safety (which it's not), when actually she should be saying, "my need for order is really important to me, your actions have been in opposition to my need for order for several weeks now, and it's really distressing me at this point."

@ShermanKyle 4 ай бұрын

@@carolshannon6449 for sure, tone is key, and if that is considered their humor as a couple it would be received differently than others; sometimes I find sarcasm as a veil for conveying a need to be a thin line between effective and humorous or passive aggressive

@ShermanKyle 4 ай бұрын

@@BachBusoni yes this seems more inline with most of what the Gottmans seem to say in their podcasts

@adrianv144 5 ай бұрын

Love it question how can I inquire to be on your podcast

@TenPercentHappier 5 ай бұрын

You can email podcast@tenpercent.com with your guest info!

@gralbr Ай бұрын

Dealing with conflict from an alcoholic cannot work until the alcoholic checks into a clinic and gets sober first. All bets are off until the conflict resolution is between two sober people.