when you start realizing that the more time you spend by yourself, you begin to actually feel better and are in a better mood, that's definitely a sign that you need to move on from certain people. there's no need to hear their excuses or explanations, because their actions have already spoken the truth, and provided you the closure you'll never get from them. i've found that my free time shouldn't be construed as an obligation to make myself available for people who wouldn't even jump over a puddle, when i used to swim across oceans for them. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

Don't chase anyone. Family. Friends. Intimate partners. No one!

No Contact will set you free...but it's not easy.

No-contact does not always bring grief. Often we already grieved not having an encouraging/supportive family member long before we go no-contact.

I’ve heard it referred to as “dropping the rope”. Once you stop doing all the labor of maintaining the relationship, you see how it just vanishes.

No contact is very hard but has made all the difference in my healing. The grieving of other family members around the situation is heartbreaking. I absolutely refuse to let that hinder my path forward. I'm steadfast in keeping my life private so the narc family members never have new information to go on. I'm growing, healing, healthier & happier than I have been in over 2 decades. I will never go back to that toxic system ever again.

No contact also means no response... to their gaslighting. Hard to do if you don't understand what's going on. Thank you for your wisdom Dr.

For years my mother used to tell me "sometimes, most of the time, the best response is No response " just go on about your Life they Hate that ! For years I Never understood her words but as time went on with arrogant, self entitled folks, I began to see the truth of her words. But arrogant self entitled folks sometimes just aren't that easy to deal with. Safe Travels Everybody as we struggle to navigate these hidden landmine people

I broke off contact with my narcissistic sister 22 years ago. Unfortunately it also meant no contact with the rest of my family. Nobody even cared and nobody has ever reached out to me in all that time. It's just like I'm invisible and don't exist

Been no contact since 2019. Very difficult being totally alone, but worth it

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator digitalinvestigate@gmail.com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

I didn’t want no contact. For a decade they shunned me. Then when I stopped trying “contact” them, they began the hoovering. Then I dared to tell the narc “no.” She told me I was dead to her. She Hoovered for a couple more years. I ignored her. Flying monkeys have since tried hoovering. Ignored. No explanation offered. I’m not doing it to hurt people. I’m doing it to live in peace.

Yup!!! I have a trail of these people in my rearview mirror. It’s amazing how easily they fell out of my life once I stopped feeling like I should be maintaining the friendship.

It's been six years and it feels like six minutes. Do I miss them? I am totally aware I have done the right thing to stay away. It's the best it can be and I am a far healthier person.

I was the scapegoat in a narcissitic family, The one thing I could always count on was that I could not count on them. In the end I remember my father saying I would be the one to keep the family together. He wasn't concerned with me. He would have been just as happy if I was living in the gutter. Same with my brother. He was only concerned with my sister. Sorry, bud, that train left the station a long time ago. You reap what you sow.

I hate how the narcs force us to cut them off, so they can STILL play the victim... Also, it's so amazing to me how society just can't ever accept "selfishness" as a possible reason for behavior. As if selfishness is forbidden as an explanation or even a possibility ... To me, selfishness is everywhere, yet we are "not allowed" to call it out...👍❤❤❤

Dr. Ramani, you are a good soul

You are really such a blessing. There are so many people talking about narcissism and it seems like a confusing jungle of information. And then we have you as a trustworthy scientist sharing your knowledge with us for free. You are helping so many people who might not find help even if they reach out. Thank You so much! ❤

No contact is like we're looking at them but don't "see" them.

They have become “dead” to me. It’s very difficult and hurtful, causing life-long grief.

I am in no contact with a narcissist sister in law who emotionally abused and verbally assaulted me, after years of repeatedly hurtful behaviours. She never changes, apologizes nor is held accountable. She lies about what happens to try to turn my brother against me. My family enables her under the guise of wanting family together. I don’t care anymore and keep my boundaries for my well being. Focusing on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

Much needed words Doctor! Not putting into relationships that I did the heavy lifting has freed me so much! I may maybe care from a distance or even love the closest person to me, but it is for me alone. Abusers users are no contact also for my peace and self care. Thanks for the tools to be better in my healing! 🙏🏼

I think the hard purposeful conscience 'no contact' is born from having been deceived from someone in your inner circle... many of us have seen a toxic person a mile awhile and kept our distance with cordial banter once a year, but when we find someone like this in our inner circle, it shakes your trust in your own judgement. Also, in my case, I chose the hard no contact because the other person wouldn't allow me to drift away softly and gracefully, they were constantly questioning the slightest vagueness in my responses then lying to me, almost for fun I guess? It felt like being a cat's trapped mouse.

I went full no contact with my soon to be ex husband, including everyone in his family and my stepchildren (adults). I changed my phone number, my email, and my job. I feel fortunate I was able to “move forward” and get away.

I went no contact on my narcissistic mother 2 years ago. It was the best decision I ever made. My mother is 97. I also went no contact on a friend who was a narcissist. It wasn’t easy to lose what I thought was my support system. I found out that they weren’t interested in my greater good and I made new friends with people who are interested in my greater good.

Thank you Dr Ramani. This video describes my Bible study group. I joined a Bible study because I wanted to learn more about God while making good friends. Unfortunately they were a bunch of narcissists and flying monkeys. The more I set Healthy boundaries the more they tried to control, manipulate, etc. I started to attend less often. Then I decided to quit going because it was a toxic environment. They didn’t reach out to check on me. It’s okay. I don’t miss them at all.

OMG My story is VERY similar! My mom is not yet in need of assistance; I have enormous anxiety about the future where this issue is concerned. "Passive no contact" and "No contact adjacent" .. thanks for the identifying terminology!! I need to remind myself that I am not the only person in this situation; it helps. Thank you, again, DoctorRamani!!!!!!

I have a number of these relationships in my life that have naturally become no contact and let me tell you Dr. Ramani , I feel better than ever My life and energy have elevated . It’s surprising the effect of understanding toxic people . You don’t have to make a big drama scene with them …. We know that’s pointless . It’s quiet wisdom and space that comes naturally from honouring authenticity . The crickets that fill hat space are actually beautiful and nice to listen to .

I foolishly went to a funeral of a very abusive uncle. The toxic enetgy was through the roof. Whats in it for me types were showing their true colors in disgusting displays of acting like they cared for him. Needless to say i had a literal heart attack within three days after the godless gathering. I hope by sharing this someone will learn to better follow their gut feelings or intuition. As i foolishly didnt.

I went almost no contact with a few toxic coworkers. I belonged to the same team as theirs, but it wasn't necessary to work together with them. After that, I only had a few conversations with them for years. 🤐

Thank you Dr. Ramani for saving so many of us❤

I've been listening to your pod cast more for a year and a big thank you.... you've helped me save me!

Your Some Woman to work with Narcissistic Types ! I was recently in the company of a Malignant Narcissist for about 5 minutes’ I felt so drained! ! Thanks to you Dr Ramani I understand more clearly now ! These people are very sick 🤢 Thanks again ❤

In hindsight in almost all of my relationships only “I” existed. Needless to say I have dropped all of them. Such a relief.

I'm so grateful that I discovered Dr. Ramani and others in this space, for teaching me about narcisissm. I was playing checkers against the narcissist's game of chess. So confusing! I'm also grateful that I have the luxury of going no-contact with the narcissists in my life. I know everyone can't do this. But it is truly the best solution. Blessings to everyone.

When I say no contact, I mean I'm going into the military no contact. In the Navy you can only use your phone when you make it to land. You're at Sea for months. I'm not wasting the precious few hours I would be able to have using my phone to respond to people I do not care for.

You are a lifesaver for so many people. I am eternally grateful for your generous sharing of your knowledge and the information that helps us recognize and recover from narcissistic abuse.

Owe alot to this lady ❤ her video narcissim what you must know, woke me up in the early days she and god basically gave me the strength to walk away ❤❤

My mother abused me for YEARS. My dad and brothers just went along with it. Better me than them is the sense i got??? Then as i started informing myself i didnt 'react', I'd wait and think before responding. Became very intentional. Paying more attention to what i felt and thought. Well when i stood quiety and politely in TRUTH and self compassion.. Mother discarded me and my dad has not spoke to me again. It's been a year and a half and I'm feeling healthier and happier every day ❤

My mother is a full narcissist. Several years ago, she got a smart phone and became fully text savvy. And she kept sending me bibe quotes. As the scapegoat this seem sanctimonious at best. So I told her to stop after the eighth one. And because I set a (very small boundary) she blew up and told me she wouldn't talk to me again. I kid you not, I heard holy choir music when I read that. I haven't talked to her since. But she's definitely complained to the family about how _she_ doesn't hear from me. And my dad is just as bad. Except if I defend myself against him, he stops. At least for that visit. And goes back to his usual abuses the next time he sees me. I haven't talke to him for years either.

I have sadly realized that no contact is my only choice. I can no longer bear the stress of engaging at all and quite frankly, the narcissists in my family are not missed when I go no contact. I feel at peace when there is no contact. At all. Can you imagine how awful it is that no contact is the only remedy. Luckily I am a realist and came to terms with walking away long ago.

A friendship is a bit easier to go no contact than other kinds of relationships. First, I declined to join toxic friends' parties or events. Next, I changed my home address, email address, and phone number. I also deleted social media accounts. As a result, I lost all contact with them. 😁

I have watched this video 3 times now. Sometimes it's okay to allow these relationships to fade out. They were never meant to be.. it can be exhausting to continously keep cordial. When they don't respond give them what they want. It will free up space for yourself.. in hindsight.. its a good thing.

I have had the luxury of "no contsct" with ex malignant narcissist and narcissistic sibling for a couple of years now and i am enjoying a peaceful life minus the stress of maintaining contact, just wish i had made that decision years earlier Life is now blissfully happy Thank you Dr.Ramini.

Being raised by narcissistic parents, with my mother passing years ago, my father is left. I have 2 siblings who stay in close contact with him. I haven't seen him in years and don't miss it. Nor have I spoken to him. I used to only get a call around my birthday but even that has stopped. I take it as being discarded and I'm okay with that. I don't have to deal with his trying to control me and only calling me for family information. I have decided that when he passes, I'll take the garbage from my siblings for not attending his funeral. I'm at peace with him out of my life.

I have recently been thrown out by the narc, my things destroyed in a heated argument, forced to 'get out' without even the things I provided to our home. Im still having a tough time thinking how can I get over this. He kept my treasured possessions and destroyed many things in anger. Wondering if he has a conscience at all...keeping things that were only of use to me, such as my greenhouse. He knew that gave me the most pleasure. Im very sad and mad at myself for thinking he loved, delusional thinking.

Its been 5 months since i had contact with a certain sibling & i feel much better than i did. I have put on weight,i was nearly 10kg less than i am now from the stress. The bullying,screaming,lack of empathy & outright nastiness was destroying me,causing panic attacks & exacerbating my anxiety after our mother died. The favored 3 children in a family of 6 became even worse than before her death. They have lied, pushed me & another sibling out of the family home so that they could sell it quicker for the inheritance. They deadbolted the front door,screwed up the back door & didnt even tell us. They lied that there was only one key & we couldnt have it to even get in to clean for selling. It has remained empty now for 5 months,my bro now lives in his car. It was one of the the last straws for me after i was screamed at bc i had to wait an extra 8 days to move into a new place. I had a massive panic attack right there in front of 4 of my siblings. No empathy, just screaming in my face by the queen narc. This nastiness towards me by her & another has gone on for decades and now I'm over it. No one is worth your mental & physical health. The others tiptoe around her and excuse her, just glad its not them in the centre of the dartboard. I have moved & none of my siblings know my address bc i cant trust them not to pass it on bc some will answer any question asked of them. They cant say "no, thats not your business to know". Im at the stage if somebody makes me feel guilty about NC, it will affect my mental health. If someone chooses to go NC there's a very good reason,never judge anyone for it.😢

I love your validation of the survivor of narcissistic abuse. You are compassionate and pragmatic. Thank you. I love you.

My in laws and step son are narcs and sadly they live next door and across the street, respectfully. When my MIL died in February (and I did find a middle ground with her, despite her abhorrent treatment of me) my FIL refused to speak to me at her funeral. It jarred me out of complacency and led to me having nothing whatsoever to do with him. He calls me incessantly, I do not return the calls. This isn't my first round with narcs, my sister is a malignant covert and my mother was as well. My stepson had such a bad temper tantrum on Mother's Day that my husband and I have gone no contact with him as well-if we can survive so can you. I so look forward to the first narc free holiday in 63 years this Thanksgiving-I joined a gym and my husband and I are closer than ever. Prayers for all-this isn't easy, but freedom from abuse is imperative to healthy living.

Thank you so much for your help and surviving the narcissistic person. It's very hard to get help in Texas. Just a counselor would help but I really appreciate your wisdom and your help 'cause. I've been following you for a couple of years now and I bought your book. Thanks again.❤

I don't hear, don't hear, don't hear, then I contact them. Then I feel guilty for contacting them thinking I'm interrupting something important to them, because they ALWAYS seem to be too 'busy' any other time. If people want to have and maintain a relationship with you they will also make the effort. If they never make the effort...

I don't regret a conscious NC with my narc mother, and family... BUT, while I am finally out of the fire, I still have third degree burns that need to heal. NC was easily the hardest, yet wisest decision of my life, but it is NOT easy. On the other side of decades of abuse, comes loneliness, isolation, and tremendous grief. Good luck folks!

Finding peace in these relationships is priceless

I became asthmatic after I’ve endured abuse from my father all of my life. So many studies say only women and children experience it, but men who are domestically abused can experience it too. I have an asthma problem now because I just can’t breathe when he is in the same house as me. If I’m not in the house, or he’s not, I can start to breathe better. How interesting.

No contact for the narcissistic relative for me means "Hi, there," when they speak to me. It means no text messages or phone calls exchanged between us and the most minimal communication when necessary. It also means having to quell the flying monkeys by going no contact with them as well. Once I ceased communication with the flying monkeys, they never reached out. I have to say that life has not been more peaceful since ridding myself of these people.

I went no contact with a hardcore narcissist parent 3 years ago. The grief was small compared to the relief! I'm starting to feel like the confident adult I could have been from the start. It took me a very long time to get here but I'm so glad I'm here now.

I feel so guilty for not calling so I call when it becomes overwhelming and then I kinda not enjoy it all and so the cycle continues

Brilliant. As I was waking to Narcissistic Abuse, I quickly realized the only reason my sibs were in my life was because I chased them and initiated all contact.

With the narcissistic mother only when needed. With narcissistic friends totally no contact and deleted all communication

Realizing that I put forth all the effort in maintaining contact with certain people was an eye-opener. When I stopped reaching out, they faded away.

Oh, this validation was like a warm hug. Thank you. While going no contact with my wasband very specific and intentional, letting my relationships with the in laws fall away happened exactly as it did in your story.

That's exactly how i ended the 20+ year "friendship" with my narc. She became obsessed with her new supply boyfriend and they moved further away. With the exception of attending their wedding 6 years ago and her occasional message on Facebook, we have not talked in 7 or 8 years and i do not miss the lack of empathy and reciprocity. Turning away from that relationship allowed me to spend more time and energy on others who have become close friends, and who treat me with care.

For me I've used no contact because I don't have a good family of origin and I picked an ex husband who was abusive and now my son is just like my ex husband so I don't speak to either of them. It's very hard to do this but it's necessary for my mental health. I also don't have a very good relationship with my father and so I don't have much contact with him as well. I have a group of friends that I'm not related to but they're like family.

I would give up any of my human rights to achieve no contact. I want nothing more to be free.

I went no contact with a whole group of people , when I realized that the smear campaign I didn't know about was successful

Thank you for this video. I'm in that woman's position.. and a few weeks ago, I observed that I'm the only one sharing pics, talking g being excited, and there is no response from their side. I have stopped putting in that effort and managing my own stuff. I know they will turn around and say, we kept contact, but you didn't.. and it will be back and forth.. they watch my pictures on Instagram but dont like or react, encourage.. so.. let them think what they want. They won't be there when i need them anyway.. somehow, it's become a gradul no contact. I understand this video through personal experience. I'm much relaxed now, dont overshare with ppl who wouldnt even respond.. and mind my businesz.

I lived a similar story. I did keep contact with immediate family. They were happy I did all the heavy lifting, because they didn't have to do anything . My sadness was losing contact with friends. My schedule didn't allow contact, and time went by. When I could reach out, it had been 3-4 yrs. They were pleasant with me, but the friendships I thought I had....had passed.

Thank you Dr. Ramani. I love your vlogs. Stay blessed and thanks for sharing wisdom with us.

Ive had a friend Ghost me (I can see where i was a dick to him but i didnt deserve to be ghosted) and I tried like twice to reach out to him and then I said forget it. My narc has tried like 200 times to get ahold of me. The amount of delusion and selfishness one must have for that is amazing. If they put that much effort into being a decent person they might not have to have no contact.

This is how I have gone no contact. Thank you for letting me know that is ok.

I went no contact with my narcissistic ex. I have ADD so it worked for me.

The last couple of sentences were so inspiring. Thank you❤

Hello dr Ramani. I was wondering if you could please make a video about how siblings relationships develop after having narcissistic and bpd parents. Because I'm desperate about some helpful advices and I'm really trying to make sense of the chaos that's been happening in our household for ages. I don't know if there is a specific behavioral pattern that occurs, but there must be, because there's no way me and my sister don't have anything in common after being raised by the same people. It's like we're two aliens living together. Thank you ❤

after mom died- i was emotionally trampled on by siblings, horrific terror emotionally. Who does this? A long painful journey away from almost all of them- becuz of a few. Resilence + Forgiveness. Keep moving forward.

Dr. Ramani, would you please do a show on -how to take space in a healthy way. I.e. taking space vs silent treatment and what that looks like❤❤❤

Thank you for this. It is very timely. I told my mother to tell Him, "I spent $200 on dinner and he ruined it". "Tell Him that I never want to see him again".

Thank you for the video this afternoon. Take care and have a safe day this is Teyani.

It was harsh NC for my parents, and passive NC for the flying monkeys who didn't respect my boundaries and weren't invested in building a new relationship with just the two of us

This is excellent advice.

Thank you, Dr Ramani 🎉

I wish I knew this ages ago but unfortunately going no contact with a man I ended was a no go as he would use things against me so I keep contact with him . He ended his life in December 2023 so I'm finely free. But the damage they do stays.

I went no contact with toxic sister and father after my mum passed away. My life has been so positive and hugely rewarding since, best decision

Unfortunately, it seems as if almost all of my good relationships have faded away, while the toxic one remains.😭

When my very fil passed away, I basically only went to the funeral to support my husband and sons (it was only immediate family and a close friend that were at the funeral). I said to myself "I wouldn't even know this man/family if I wasn't married to their son. I have slowly gone low/no contact with my in-laws over the years for a number of reasons and I certainly don't miss any of the drama. I was taken advantage of for YEARS before I finally said no more. The pandemic was the final nail in the coffin (not only for my relationship with my in-laws, but many other "friendships" as well). I was tired of being judged for my choices, so it made it easy to walk away. I have maintained my "real friendships" and my circle got smaller, but I am okay with that. I no longer have time to mull over what I could have or should have done differently. I lived out of my big circle for years and completely lost myself because of it. I don't have to allow myself to be abused by others. I also recently got out of an abusive work environment, which really dragged me down.

I want to give you another example. My boss- I only spoke with him twice. 13 yrs. Stalking!

I have a couple of relationships with toxic people whom I know only keep me to feed them, but I enjoy their intellectual ideation. So, I keep it intellectual and shed any personal outreach they may try.

My narcissistic sibling thinks that we're reconciled, but I'm still no contact with them. If I have anything to do with it the only time I'll ever be in their physical presence again is at family weddings and funerals.

I’ve used it and I feel so much better for it.

And you dont miss them

I noticed one thing with the Narcs in my life. It's when I need to buy someone a greeting card and I can't ever find one that says what I feel. Stuff like, you're always there for me, your caring ways, your love. None of that ever rings true.

Thanks for saying "It's not unusual".

You just described my relationship with my mother and sisters. Since my father passed they haven’t contacted me. That’s okay with me. Guess I’m healed

I did it 24 years ago. Haven’t seen her, spoken to her, no nothing. NO CONTACT. Have been dancing ever since! 💃🏻 Was done!

I should have gotten clued in to coworker/friend? when she described her friendship with someone else. She readily admitted to me with no embarrassment that this relationship would have ended if the other person did not keep it going.

I’ve been no contact with my narc mother and family members for 2 years now. It’s not easy, because I seem to feel the hurt more than them. I’m going to keep going, because I know it’s best for me and my family to be healthy.

One done by horrible narcissists, and another small few have a legitimate reason It's an emotional abuse with such devastating lifelong sorrow like i never knew existed.

5 people in my family went no contact from the toxic family system. Two were lucky in they went no contact through divorce. 3 of us have went on to live peacefully without the nonsense of family roles and without having to experience fits of rage from the men in the family.

I left 5 times before he completely LOST HIS MIND and finally showed the truly EVIL person inside and I was afraid for my life.... 3 years and I have only seen him in court.... No Contact is the only way I have been able to even be able to see the truth

he waited til all kids were major. it was hell during divorce, but is glorious now.

After my mom died, 90% of my relatives lost contact with me. And I was left with an abusive, narcissistic father. Perhaps they didn't know he was a narc who was hurting me, but still...they didn't bother to reach out and I wouldn't see most of them until 20 years later at a relative's funeral. They were not mean people, but they just abandoned me. Without my mom or grandma (also dead now) making plans, nothing happened.