Thank U

I don’t understand why Thais doesn’t provide timelines herself (other KZfaqrs do this). Could this be an avoidance symptom?)

@@mmoltich bruh stop projecting 😂

@@mmoltich if you watched her videos you would know that’s ur toxic mind filling in the blanks. She’s a busy person dude take a deep breath lol

@@mmoltich from some of her videos, she did admitted in the past she used to be fearful avoidant. That's why she wants to share this to the world.

Yeah..

I fell in love with a dismissive avoidant. He was extremely emotionally shut down with everyone in his life- but he opened his heart up to me on a very deep level. He shared with me feelings he didn’t share with anyone- and he said that he felt safe opening up to me because everyone else pitied him but he felt like a man when he would talk to me. We haven’t spoken in months because he was going through a lot of personal/family issues and we agreed to let each other go for now. He knows I’m always there for him but due to his DA nature- you can’t force someone to stay in your life. Even though he said it was extremely hard for him, he decided to let me go and figure out what he needs to do and that’s okay. I’m just letting him do that without pressure. I love him and would love to connect with him soon. A person with DA attachment style is going to have to learn to let their walls down with time if they want true intimacy and connection. They need to relearn that love can be safe. But you can’t force this realization, they have to come to it on their own resolve.

@@AmandaNicolexolove yourself too. We have a moral obligation to self care. I would want my children to pursue the relationships they deserve

I wish I knew this before ! I showed some pity when she said she was feeling low and after that she shut off and now even deactivated last seen for me on whatsapp I wish I knew this before .

Is there anyway to make it alright after they have withdrawn once you show pity and try to show support etc ?? I dont know wether to stop altogether or try connecting with them once in a while ? I really like her but every step I take seems to be somehow making things worse .

Hugs! I really wish that you can heal your wounds.Good luck!

I’m happy you are on the path to healing.

Praying you got this more strength and power to your healing journey the best thing you can do is Try be willing to examine and explore and research and learn about rediscovering who you really are before all the trauma and neglect placed in our lives sending you virtual hugs 💜💜💜💜💜💫🙏🏾

Sending you so much love!! You are doing great just by trying xx

my wife soon to be ex was similar to your life and it really hurts to hear those stories if you love them , then they tend to eat away at those that love them its a hard road good for you that stands up

Doing the Lord's work right there. Thank you❤❤

THANK YOU

This is why you can never listen to a woman when she asks you to "be vulnerable" and to "open up" to them. As soon as you do they will be disgusted by it and/or use it against you at a later date. I learned that lesson the hard way.

learn to control ur emotions. Difference between crying and breaking down

Be proud of those sacred tears

thanks! Also I had checked, it's John Bowlby.

I agree

i'll suggest it! -PDS team member

Haha I was just about to type that.

Yea cos im both

Bump

This no one seems to understand me as an extreme extrovert (testing 93% on Myers-Briggs) DA. I don't fit most stereotypes and when I shut down people are so confused.

You tell the truth.

Do you want a lot of autonomy and space and independence? Do emotions or people overwhelm you?

@@anja7787 ME, YESS

Very helpful. I had a pretty good childhood. But I learned a dismissive avoidant style from my father, who dealt with the world in this way. I know that he loved us, but he did not know how to express this emotionally. He showed it in other ways, mainly by teaching us technical skills and making things for us, which I am very grateful for. The sad thing is that as he came into old age, he became more and more withdrawn and unable to express himself. Luckily, he had my mother to be a spokesperson, somewhat. Now in my early 60s, I am beginning to understand this (with the help of videos like this). I learned many useful things from my father. In the end, maybe the most useful is that I do not want to follow in his footsteps any more. Thank you.

My initial reaction is this person could use my vulnerability against me

Never say never. You both have to be willing to figure out what works best towards communication. I personally prefer expressing intimate information or apologies through text or other written means bc it is difficult to open up verbally or physically sometimes. Sometimes acts of love is performing acts of service rather than being overly physical or verbal. Sometimes it can mean spending time together but not necessarily talking or touching. And this can be a hard thing to process. But both have to be willing to set certain goals towards trying to strengthen your bond every day. It can be as small as holding hands foe 5 seconds, then after 2 weeks for 10. It can mean writing I love you every day or turning you back towards each other and saying it that way. Etc. You've got to find out what works for you both and work towards improvement. If that's too much for you, then just learn to move on bc neither of you will be satisfied.

Spot on. At least he seemed ro want yo make it work. Mine just throws me away, lied to bring me back in just to destroy everything time after time. Just like you, I love him but I can't live like thus anymore. It's much better to be alone (in a romantic relationship) than it is to be thriw away and lonely in a relationship.

Yes!!! You nailed it! Same way here. It’s utterly exhausting 😢

Wow that sounds awful. No relationship should be that way. That sounds very one sides even for a dismissive avoidant. He must know hes not treating you very good.

@@lc4life369 Even when you can open their eyes to their garbage behavior and bs, they still don't care.

In the process of ending a 10 year marriage with a DA. I'm exhausted, tired of doing all the heavy lifting, planning, talking, and everything. He avoids communication concerning intimacy, finances, basic healthcare, mental health, and life in general. Over time I've gone from 80% secure/20% anxious to 80% anxious/20% secure with resentment, contempt, and disdain for this relationship. We now live apart and do not communicate at all. If you're going to stay, be prepare to do the work of 2 people. If not my advice is to walk away while you still respect each other. 🤷🏾‍♀️😮‍💨

I have read from several other psychologists and psychotherapists that All insecure attachments are on a spectrum, and are neuanced. That's why assigning labels not being a professional can be problematic because people don't always show up as the label assigned until certain triggers are activated, how severe the trama, & what work has already been done. Appreciated this video. Looking forward to the FA vid.

Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation. Secure people in specific situations can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences they way they approach situations or relationships. I don't necessarily like the word fearful avoidant but rather conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat.

I'm also the second type. I act so much like what was listed in the video. Damn. This is amazing to have as a resource.

Let's see if this relates among us: Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation. Secure people in specific situations can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences they way they approach situations or relationships. Ex: Some people remain quiet or more reserved when meeting new people bc you're trying to get a good understanding of that person's values and what ticks them off and what doesn't. Ex: sometimes in intimate relationships it can mean experiencing difficulty to be physical in certain ways or verbally affectionate in other ways. Etc. When someone tries to breach that comfort bubble, it can feel like your freedom and space is invaded but you won't always say it to prevent conflict and it takes a toll on you. Not necessarily fearful avoidant but rather expressed as conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat.

It may possibly be because the description was so brief, but tbh I cannot grasp how her description of the 2nd type differs from healthy attachment with healthy boundaries. What am I missing?

Same here, I'm the youngest sibling and didn't have to care about anything but my mother would share how depressed she feels and my elder sister wouldn't listen to her much because she said she felt uncomfortable. I heard all her stories. And also how my father doesn't treat her right. I am very avoidant yet a people pleaser when someone approaches me. I've pushed away people many times due to avoidant tendencies but when they need reassurance I try to assure them, which I really don't need to especially when the other person is also at fault, but due to people pleasing tendencies I still seem to do it. And regret later. Thinking but I didn't get to say my part properly, and avoid even more. Who knows I might be FA as well.

Self awareness and the voilition to want to be better is 50% of the journey. Proud of you for wanting to break the cycle 💓

Can I ask, if someone had told you about it or suggested to look it up (because they would suspect you're a DA), would you have done it or felt pressured/labelled?

@@termiitos If I was told by someone I loved or respected, yes

Me too. I realized, that my love is exactly this tipe (extroverted) and I am the enmeshed one. So, now I can see why things just sooo complicated. But I can understand him like nobody else. And I love him. He knows it. The rest is not under my control.

Would he give you the silent treatment and get passive aggressive when mad at you? I'm trying to figure out my sister's attachment style and she pretty much fits into the description of the enmeshed DA. I was the one taking most of the emotional dumping from my mum and I am FA.

@@SD-vw8jd well no, but I think you'll need more info than solely this to figure out someone's attachment style!

@@estherh.1106 Of course! I'm watching a lot of Thais videos on all the attachment styles.

@@estherh.1106 Yes my ex DA would do this.

And therein lies the problem of being in a relationship without being healed

My ex was the same way. Talked about her day and stresses and her past and I was there for her as much as I could be. She even mentioned a couple times that she hopes to marry me someday that took me by surprise but I was happy to hear it. And we got closer and things became more normal. 2 months went by and we only saw each other a couple times a week which I don't think is too much especially in the honeymoon phase. But right after valentines she completely shut down and retreated like she was someone else. And she was cold and distant like she didn't even have any feelings towards me. After 2 weeks of that and me asking what was wrong and her not giving me an answer I confronted her and she wouldn't meet me and broke up with me. Telling me that everything was too much and I was becoming too much and she couldn't do it anymore. Me being a anxious attachment it destroyed me because I was so happy with her and didn't want it to end.

But were you REALLY happy?

My first dates with my social butterfly DA ex were mostly about her complaining about an old job. I shut my mouth for 3 seconds, she would continue yapping about it. Later on I joked about that and she displayed embarrassment but it was more like "Oh, I broke etiquette so hard there haha!" than "Oh my, I really got carried away didn't I." I brought this tendency for parallel monologues up and she made fun of me for using "buzzwords". She is a highly intelligent and competent woman and somehow "parallel monologues" was too fancy for her? She claimed she didn't have any idea what I was talking about. What I was talking about was how our discussions often broke down into these almost competitive rants about things where we just egged each other on without really meeting anywhere. When my turmoil about this conversation escalated and I started blaming myself for everything, her responses were "We should just drop this, I see no constructive way out of here" and "I appreciate people sometimes can struggle keeping their emotions in check." She had COMPLETELY shut down her emotional core for the conversation. Chilling shit.

Try Ken Reid.

my ex went MIA for 2 weeks too after being together for 2 years and got annoyed that I even commented on it. I ended it :( I've never been through more painful relationship

ciera rose same!

The way to distinguish is (I think): FA craves connection and closeness but is terrified of it for fear of rejection and so creates distance or puts up walls; DA has learned not to crave or be aware of even “needing” connection as a result of having to heavily repress emotions as a survival mechanism during childhood, often due to neglect. So to varying degrees, they don’t really realize that they need anyone and closeness feels engulfing so they create distance

@@electricfishfan7159 my exact experience too. I've recently been trying to identify my boundaries before they explode, and even knowing cognitively I need to do this / feeling in tune with my feelings and other people's needs otherwise, it's like I don't have a natural sense for when it's ok for me to ask for help and it doesn't even occur to me until I'm completely drained

Let's see if this relates, I only speak from personal experience: Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation. Secure people, in specific situations, can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences the way they approach situations or relationships. Ex: Some people remain quiet or more reserved when meeting new people bc you're trying to get a good understanding of that person's values and what ticks them off and what doesn't to prevent any conflict. Ex: sometimes in intimate relationships it can mean experiencing difficulty to be physical in certain ways or verbally affectionate in other ways. Sometimes the easiest thing is to do acts of service and I suppose doing it back for the person helps rather than full blown go physical or verbal in reciprocating your affection bc that vulnerability is uncomfortable as emotions in the past have beeb percieved by the individual as a burden unto others. When someone tries to breach that comfort bubble, it can feel like your freedom and space is invaded but you won't always say it to prevent conflict and it takes a toll on you. I wouldn't say this is an expression of fearful avoidant but rather expressed as conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat. Also, she was spot on with the whole sibling thing. And it can create sympathy towards the older sibling who has to take on that emotional baggage directly, sometimes being the mouth-piece/glue keeping relationships together or further preventing conflict. You can see from an outside perspective that the older sibling is not always appreciated and often taken for granted. Yet again, this is just from my own point of view and everyone is unique in their experiences and reactions.

Why ADHD?

Yes, not knowing how a DA presents is super confusing. My DA and I had the classic early relationship bliss, but after about 3-4 months in, he started sitting down fast. He was also drinking heavily at the time, which added to the hot/cold. When he got sober (and still is, I'm so proud of him), I called out his shutdown behavior. I challenged his claims of not being a touchy-feely, emotional person because in the beginning he was. It was very, very rough for a while until I found this channel.

My ex was 3 leaning to 4.

My DA is no#1.

Master people-pleasing DA. Can't stand if I'm upset about something!

4

My sister is an extreme DA to the point where I doubt she will ever experience a romantic relationship as she also has no intention of healing. 😔

Let's see if this relates, I only speak from personal experience: Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation. Secure people, in specific situations, can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences the way they approach situations or relationships. Ex: Some people remain quiet or more reserved when meeting new people bc you're trying to get a good understanding of that person's values and what ticks them off and what doesn't to prevent any conflict. Ex: sometimes in intimate relationships it can mean experiencing difficulty to be physical in certain ways or verbally affectionate in other ways. Sometimes the easiest thing is to do acts of service and I suppose doing it back for the person helps rather than full blown go physical or verbal in reciprocating your affection bc that vulnerability is uncomfortable as emotions in the past have beeb percieved by the individual as a burden unto others. When someone tries to breach that comfort bubble, it can feel like your freedom and space is invaded but you won't always say it to prevent conflict and it takes a toll on you. I wouldn't say this is an expression of fearful avoidant but rather expressed as conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat. Also, she was spot on with the whole sibling thing. And it can create sympathy towards the older sibling who has to take on that emotional baggage directly, sometimes being the mouth-piece/glue keeping relationships together or further preventing conflict. You can see from an outside perspective that the older sibling is not always appreciated and often taken for granted. Yet again, this is just from my own point of view and everyone is unique in their experiences and reactions.

Roshall As a DA do you hate cuddling? If so why? lol Im dying to know this!

@@suras8984 Yes I get uncomfortable with cuddling and the reason for this is our fear of intimacy when we get physically close it activates our subconsciously stored negative associations with closeness.

@@suras8984 as a DA I hate physical closeness and touching but also there is another reason for me being aversed to being touched. Anyway, I think it also depends on the individual's love language. Some may not have touching as their love language too.

Good point.

Because human beings are biologically wired for connection

@@julesD0222yeah, good point, almost. now let‘s get into evo.psych of inter-gender functional complementarity etc. not that I were into questioning that, but certainly the folks assuming human evolution transmuted into mere social engineering mode 70 yts ago are preparing to up walls now. blank-slaters, too.

Let's see if this relates, I can only speak from personal experience: Depends on the individual's experience and what had lead them towards being avoidant in a given situation. Secure people in specific situations can still present as avoidant. They've learned to cope but there is still that past experience(s) which influences they way they approach situations or relationships. Ex: Some people remain quiet or more reserved when meeting new people bc you're trying to get a good understanding of that person's values and what ticks them off and what doesn't. Ex: sometimes in intimate relationships it can mean experiencing difficulty to be physical in certain ways or verbally affectionate in other ways. Etc. When someone tries to breach that comfort bubble, it can feel like your freedom and space is invaded but you won't always say it to prevent conflict and it takes a toll on you. I don't necessarily like the word fearful avoidant but rather expressed as conflict avoidant. Like walking on eggshells and just trying to prevent any sort of trouble or conflict. And it is this perceived threat or possibility of threat that, in certain individuals, can initiate a flight reaction that is extremely intense. That doesn't mean the individual cannot rationalize and manage the situation, but they just can't always help the physical anxiety response to threat.

My guess would be yes but I am wishing @ Thais will answer this one!

Yessss I have been wondering about this for a long time too

Attachment styles can change from experiences and age so it's not far fetched

Attachment style is from the care giver.