This made me cry. It only takes one parent. It could be you. Yes it is me! I will do all I can to protect my 6 year old daughter.

Attend to the bonding needs of your children by understanding authoritative parenting and practicing it. But also, undertake projects and adventures which cause you to rely upon each other. My son's mother is a narcissist, and that put my son at risk. I taught him juggling and we juggled a lot together. Intense focus and cooperation is required to do that. Also we went camping and hiking a lot. And we played musical duets together. He's twenty now and away at university. He calls me when he's troubled or needs advice, or just to say hello and, "I love you, dad." Finally, honesty builds trust. Be honest with your kids and expect them to be honest with you. The narcissistic parent teaches them to lie in order to use them as a weapon against you. You have to resist this by holding your kids accountable.

I am going through a rough time having left my narcissistic husband a year ago. I took 3 of our 4 children as my eldest has been badly affected by her dad, she was used to physically abuse me for the father could not do it himself. My eldest son age 12, who is with me is now, is displaying his father's narcissistic behaviour and I am learning how to correct it and guide him. Very difficult at the moment for we have been homeless for a year now, bouncing from place to place, the father is not helping financially as a matter of fact he has been running away from the courts. Thank you for the video and it just confirmed what I suspected, my son needs loving structure and a balanced mum, hard under the circumstances but achievable. Much love...

The ex has rejected his own children so i no longer have to worry about this. I was very hurt and angry at first but now i see this as a blessing. Be blessed.

I agree, my mom was the only one to provide unconditional love and support. And I don't have narcissism, which my father had.

The only problem is when the narcissistic parent in my case ex husband is fully alienating children! No matter how much I try to focus on my relationship with my children, parental alienation hurts tremendously and it is more damaging!

I often listen to this presentation before sleep, as a form of meditation and prayer for my daughters. I am starting to recover my former self after 13 years of emotional abuse and a very savage discard. Thank you, Dr. Malkin.

Thank you for this. After 17 years of living together, I'm going through a divorce I hope to survive. Last couple of years in hell with severely depresed abusive wife I became a wreck myself. Have two kinds, it took me a year to decide to leave her as life became almost unbearable for me, can't keep any longer. I'm really concerned how to save my children from becoming damaged by her, abused, gaslighted, etc. I really hope you are right int the video and I'll try my best to be as close as possible to my kids for them to grow healthy individuals. Thank you. That gave me some hope that everything will be ok with them.

For those of you wondering, though I corrected myself later, I misspoke the first time I cited Sue Johnson and said responsible* (although that's important of course) accessible and engaged. It's actually *responsive*. Easy to remember as accessible, responsive, and engaged: *ARE* --what Dr. Johnson calls "Are you there for me?" experiences.

I’m not worried about my child becoming a narcissist. This video pretty much showed me that I’m already in the authoritative parenting mindset. What I am worried about is my child being hurt by her father’s narcissistic abuse. Where can I go to learn about protecting her?

Thank you! Very very reassuring. I've been worried sick for my children. Attachment security for my children is what I've been working on and I'm happy to know it is good protection for them. I've felt helpless for some time. Thank you!

Wow!! This worked. I tried it 3 weeks ago and now it doesn’t matter what the narc does, whether I’m present or not, they can’t hurt my son. He still gets angry, but he has a way out now. What a relief. Thanks Dr. Malkin.

Shout this from the rooftops. Essential information for every parent, not just those affected by NPD

A pathological narcissistic mother will emotional abuse their children, and justify that uncaring, unloving, and lack of empathy behavior, as discipline. When the kids begin to get older, they begin to stand up for themselves, and the “discipline” begins to intensify. As a father, still married to a undiagnosed Narc woman, being in the middle is very stressful. If you pacify the Narc mother, and support her, the child is being abused, and you realize that, or you side with the child, and the spouse becomes unhinged. Your either a bad spouse, or a bad parent. In some situations, you become both, with the child and the disordered spouse, both being angry with you. Crazy and very difficult dynamic in real life. Please DR. give us more on this subject. As fathers, if we divorce, the courts, most likely will give our children to these abusive mothers. A situation I refuse to let happen to my child. This subject is a very very good one. Haven’t seen much on it at all. Thank you so much for taking the time.

Thank you so much. This has saved me from a lot of grief!!! I was praying for an answer since last night after hearing some news and this only confirmed what I was already doing but was afraid It would fail because of the manipulative strength the narc has. I will continue to practice this and keep trusting God for the best outcome.

I needed this. I worry so much for my sons. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for this. It gives me confidence in my parenting and helps me to be confident in spite of a very difficult divorce with a vulnerable narcissist. I'm not going to worry about the damage he's done, I'm going to move forward, continue to protect my family, and provide the support and love that I always have. Narcissists can make people doubt themselves.

Thank you for the insightful video. I am in a custody battle with my narcissistic husband (soon to be ex). I have been reluctantly preparing for a costly, vicious war to protect my children, but with this information I feel tremendous relief. They consistently receive emotional support and acceptance from me, and definitely a healthy secure attachment. This is wonderful news, thank you for sharing, it is life-changing!

I cannot express the relief and joy I feel from watching this video. In 15 minutes you have removed a deeply held fear that I’ve had for over a decade. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us all; it’s life changing.

So hard. This is why I research, learn, grow around him because he will never change. Disengage, disengage, disengage with the narcissist. Teach empathy and compassion and kindness to your children. ❤

I can't thank you enough for this. As a psychology major who also happens to be in this predicament (parenting with someone who shows the signs of this) unfortunately, I am better able to parent to prevent them from becoming a narcissist themselves by using the parenting style I've been researching.

I am witness to narcissistic abuse of my Grandchildren by their Mother virtually every day. I see the terrible damage it causes, mentally, emotionally, and physically. This is someone who expects to control all those connected with her by using abuse and the threat of it. All of this is carefully hidden in public, and the children threatened with a date worse than death should they ever speak of it,they even provide alternative reasons for any signs of harm. It is pitiful to witness, and no matter how well they are observed, their Mum manages to harm them within seconds quite often, and is totally unwilling to try and alter her destructive behaviour. I believe only the thought of being discovered by those she seeks to impress, or by some authoritarian figure would be the only reason she might consider changing her ways.

Thankyou so much for this!!! This is so reassuring! I am so worried about my baby daughter whose mother is a covert narcissist. The mother's lack of empathy, or love, the super controlling, the constant simmering anger ... etc. and her smearing of me. And since I only have my daughter part of the time I am concerned about how to protect her. This talk was so helpful and reassuring!!

Thank you so much! I knew intuitively that this was the only way. Now, with full conviction, I will continue to build a relationship of secure attachment. I know that this way, I will be able to save my child.

Thank you Dr Malkin. Often in dealing with narcissistic co-parents, "hope" seems like a forgotten word for a non-narcissistic parent. But your knowledge and the way you share this hope for them is like seeing light at the end of this dark tunnel of co-parenting wiht a narcissist. So appreciate your work, and this video. Ty.

This was so helpful. You've given me hope for my boys is my attachment and love for them!

It’ll have to be big sissy then.... I love my siblings with all my heart I refuse to let them be narcissistically brain washed I will be their advocate I’m happy that’s all they need!!🥰

Dr Malkin, your video is informative and helpful on one hand. I am in the position of co parenting with a narcissistic ex. My natural parenting style is authoritative, while my ex is much more permissive. So I am doing the right things. However, parental alienation has all but broken my relationship with my children now. In the UK, once the children get to 11 years old and go to high school the children effectively dictate where they live regardless of child arrangement orders. The most permissive/indulgent parent is the narcissist, who certainly does not foster a relationship with the other parent. They denigrate the other parent at every opportunity. Ultimately children break off contact with the non-narcissist parent. This is a very common scenario. As a result the children are more likely to grow up to be narcissistic as you describe. The only way that this can be fixed is for the courts and social services to be able to identify narcissists and enforce child arrangements accordingly for the good of the children. Psychological professionals such as yourself need to help the courts to make the right choices and enforce them. There is a severe lack of competence in this area right now. Dr Childress has tried to raise the profile of this issue, but with limited success. Is there any way that you can add your weight to fixing this broken system?

Thank you so much for your book. You’ve helped me to calm my own anxieties on the subject. I have 2 kids and we’ve all struggled with major anxiety due to walking in egg shells and feelings of not being good enough. Your book has helped me to feel better about my own parenting.

Wow, I am so incredibly grateful that I found this video posted by a knowledgeable, trained professional. The plight of a parent who chooses a narc spouse is trauma filled. But when you add children to the relationship the magnitude and reality of your situation confronts you everyday. And suddenly there is no hiding or accepting rationalization for the narc’s behavior.. I am doing everything I can think of to protect my child. This video gives me hope and belief that my baby will be okay. THANK YOU!!

I was with my ex narcissist for almost 20years. The mental abuse was so horrible. I have also been battling cancer which intensified the abuse. He started directing the abuse towards my girls and I left him when he was at work 6months ago. Wow have I seen my daughters blossom. They weren’t able to express any negative emotion around him. He even at one point said if they don’t respect him he isn’t there dad! My 12 year missed so much. I am totally open with them love them want to give them the world. but still worry about my daughters emotionally. I feel my daughters have missed so much I really try not to say no to them. I feel guilty because of everything they couldn’t do with my ex. Every time we had to go somewhere it was a battle. They are extremely well rounded and good children and there activities reflect that. It’s hard being sick, taking care of them and making sure I try not to say no. I feel so much guilt. My ex would say he was tired a lot. I feel guilty when im tired, I usually push through to balance and give them everything or do what they want with friends, birthdays, private school events etc. I hope I have the right approach they are good kids and rarely need to many consequences.

Great reassurance and guidance. It is very empowering to know that you can still make a difference to your children's upbringing. Co-parenting with a narcissist can make you feel powerless. It is a bonus to discover that the best way is to be the parent we would all like to be.

Thank you so much for this encouraging message. One of the hardest things about dealing with narcissim is wondering how to protect my child. This is something I have been struggling with recently and now I have hope that he can be ok. Thank.you

I have 3 boys under 10. I set strict limits on screen times, they have a set bedtime routine and for discipline, we use the 1-2-3 magic, and they are rewarded for good behaviour. I also try to stay involved with what they are doing and not leave them unsupervised (this can be hard work as I'm a self employed editor and I work from home). My own upbringing was far different. My brother and I were pretty much left to our own devices and often played off against each other by my mum who has always denied this. My dad was away a lot for work and when he was away it always got worse.He died suddenly last year and my brother would call me, telling me off for not ringing mum enough. Neither my mother or my brother seemed to care how I was coping: I was devasted. My dad was awesome and just got me. In April I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety after stress at home (long boring story) got the better of me and I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I was put on Sertaline. I didn't even feel safe enough to tell her because 1)in my head she had enough to deal with and 2) whenever I have gone to her in the past when I've had issues (from bullying at school to an absuive ex), she has always either invalidated how I feel or made me feel like it's self-inflicted, or that I'm overreacting. This video has highlighted several things that I do that has made me realiise that it wasn't always in my head so thank you.

This has made me feel much better, i worry so much about my kids, thank you!

Thankyou for the very uplifting encouragement about preventing harm to our child through the toxic parent, by focusing solely on our relationship with them and being the healthy and nurturing parent. I have never heard about research that says this will be enough to protect them. Therefore your words were very good News! It can be so overwhelming to constantly fear that somehow this pathological behaviour of the other parent will rub off on the child and cause extreme harm to them. I guess it is quite a bit about trusting that truth, authenticity, love and real caring will always win Out in the end, because herein is real power and life. Thanks :)

This helped me so much. I can’t even begin to describe the relief this video brought me, and the hope that my kids can be kept safe.

Thank you. Makes me feel better; empowered and less helpless. Despite my ex trying to undermine us in every way, I now know that what I'm doing is correct. You have validated my thoughts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you so much for this video. My mama heart needed to hear this tonight. I know that God loves my girls even more than I do and He is always with them even when I cannot protect them, but I have spent a great deal of time worrying about the long-term effects of them being in the possession of a narcissist (even if only for limited stints of visitation.)

I persoally knew I had to be 100% emotionally supportive with my kids after separating with their narcissistic father. This is like a confirmation of what I knew was the best thing to do for their emotional well being and stability. I am so glad that the research shows such positive outcomes for chuldren of narcissistic parents.

That's one of the best and most succinct explanations of secure attachment I've heard. Hearing it only takes one parent makes me feel very hopeful.

Thank you so much. This has given me abundant hope for my daughters struggles and future!! It’s given me reassurance in how I treat my daughter as well as confidence that I can help fix at least some of the trauma she’s been forced to endure.

That attachment security is really important. Great video. Sadly, in divorce situations, or family situations, the narcissist counter-parents and turns the child against the targeted parent. I’m going to buy your book.

Thanks Dr Malkin, this is encouraging to say the least and gives me renewed energy to stay on track with my kids, to know that my efforts alone, can swing the pendulum in the right direction.

So happy you did this video. I have been wondering what my son is exposed to when he is with his narc Dad and if he is going to turn into one. I realize now that attachment security is so important. I will love and support my son and will just concentrate on our time together. Thank you for clarifying this.

Thank you for this. I allowed myself to adjust my parenting style a bit with my oldest child and it almost destroyed the relationship. I have a natural authoritative parenting style that has encouraged really healthy children (he LOVED this when we first got together, but HATES it now, because he says I'm not "consistent" and I let too much slide). I have 4 older ones as proof. I am encouraged by this video for my youngest, who is the child of my toxic husband. I have gone back to the balance of my style and allowing each child to have whatever my husband's actions pproduce in way of relationship with each of my kids. He's already alienated his oldest and my oldest. I know each child feels safe with me, and they (my biological children) are well adapted.

Thank you for this! What to do to protect the children is rarely talked about. Everybody has the same advice about NPD's.... RUN, do not walk. But, oftentimes, the healthy parent must share custody of a child with a mentally disordered parent. So, the healthy parent remains a victim of abuse and the child becomes a victim. And more than half of the time, the disordered parent uses the child to continue the abuse of the healthy parent. I wish more people were talking about the kids.

I almost cried. Thank you for the insight. I feel empowered to empower my daughter.

Excellent video as always! Thank you for making your work available to us! I am curious about your answer. My concern in this situation is not a fear that my children will become narcissists, but that they will become codependent pleasers, and suffer under the confusion, control and other side effects of being in relationship with a narcissist: not being heard, not allowed to say no to demands, or manipulated into doing things that they don't want to - having poor boundary development that effects their personal development and ability to create strong loving and safe relationships as adults. Would you ever recommend telling children the truth - about the personality disorder so they have knowledge and power?

Thank you so very much for this information. Five years of therapy to be an emotionally healthy parent and human and I still fear I can’t undo the effects of the other toxic parent. Your information gives me hope to keep on keeping on, even though I may not see results yet.

Thank you so much for this. You don’t know how much I needed this hope. I cry worrying for my son and that he will be like his father. Thank you.

Fantastic and fascinating information. I can think of no more important topic than that related to children and the impact of NPD upon them by a parent. Thank you!

This is a godsend of relief !!!

I'm afraid my narrcisstic wife will harm my son physically when I divorce her.

this issue has been one of my greatest concerns once I regained custody and continue to "co-parent" in my heinous situation. thank you for posting this!

Thank you for this - it really gives me a lot of hope that there is good to be done and it isn't a small 'window of opportunity' that we have to be able to ground someone's life and help them become whole human beings.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! My son is 3...and he is already being manipulated by his Cluster B father.

I’m just letting you knows that I’m so grateful to know you.

That’s such amazing news. My spouse doesn’t have this but people we are both related to people on both sides that have this big time. I have been parenting this way naturally without knowing. Praise God, I always worry about anyone,including myself, acting like those people that we know. It’s so traumatic dealing with them at times. I’m always checking my actions constantly because of those others! This is great info! Thanks

Not often possible to protect your children from traumatic experiences. First of all, trauma is subjective, secondly, the parent themselves may be traumatized and I'll equipped to help themselves never mind their child. Wars, tsunamis, financial, circumstantial. In a perfect world we would be able to protect our children from traumas but this is not a perfect nor ideal world. Sometimes just keeping your family safe, fed, even alive is all a parent can do. The rest will need to come later when the treat is over and life is again calm. Sometimes all a parent can do is let go and let God and pray for the best.

Thank you, this is exactly what I needed to here, and I have been desperate for answers on how to go about protecting my children from narcissistic abuse.

Great video. I have a 3 yr old son and his mom is a narcissist. We are not together, but I have him 50% of the time and I always worry about her rubbing off on him to much when he is with her...

This is very helpful,my daughter is falling in to the sink whole as her father is a narcisstic,mentally im trying to climb out of the hole,she is being drawn in,im trying to be the person i am,kind,caring,thoughtful,a parent,very hard.

Thank you, this was very nice to hear. I am not worried about my son becoming a Narcissist. I am, however, worried about his father giving him parental alienation syndrome and all the negative effects of his father’s neglect, verbal abuse, alcohol abuse etc.

This video was so comforting! It just takes one - that is so reassuring.

I’m enough.

I am currently co parenting if you can even call it that with a narcissist and I think that’s much too nice of a term for him. He cannot hurt me anymore so he is turning to her. Every time she comes home from his house now she is crying and scared of me confronting him because he acts civil towards me now that he has not control and when he gets behind closed doors he gets the narcissistic rage on her for telling mommy what he tells her not to... this video has been extremely helpful for me, because I no I don’t have a shot in court because everyone claims their ex is crazy so those of us who truly are dealing with a crazy person have no chance. I have been trying so hard to hold myself together and just help her by being her safe place and not betray her trust by talking to him about him emotionally abusing my daughter which is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But to her right now it means me protecting her from more of his rath. This video helped me see I am doing the right thing, and I’m not worried about her ever being a narcissist, but seeing that a strong but loving parent can undo so much bad is encouraging, so I pray it will help me raise my daughter to overcome the unfortunate cards we have been dealt.

It makes so much sense....secure attachment....the way it gives you confidence in yourself and feeling secure...I just realize that this may be the cause of all my insecurity and angst I have been feeling through out my life...lack of secure attachment. I´m trying to be that person to my kids...Thank you for pointing this out. Thank you for being on KZfaq.

How can we help inform our kids about narcissism so they don't choose a narcistic partner, without slamming their narcissist parent?

Thank you, Dr. Malkin! This video is wonderfully reassuring. Before I watch it again I’ll get my pen and paper to jot some notes! I really appreciate you speaking on the research of how children will respond and develop when guided by “Authoritative” vs. “Authoritarian “ parenting. I hope to watch other videos soon! Have a great day!

Thank you, while I can attempt to parent by instinct, the affirmation (of fostering secure attachment with my daughter) is reassuring during these rough times.

Thank you very much for your words of reassurance. I am so very happy to know that I can provide my daughter with healthy future no matter her dad's words and toxic actions.

Thank you for this video; I needed this today. I have my kids back and always will.

I cried listening to this too ❤️

If this gives anyone comfort, I divorced when my daughter was six and because I moved further away they gave my narc ex plenty of weekends. He would say all kinds of crazy things to her about me that Id have to straighten out for her on monday. I worked hard not to trash him even though he did insane things. He tried every chance he got to replace me w his new wife as our daughters mother. Even to the point where her teachers were confused. I thought this was how it was going to be forever and ai told myself if when shes 35 she wants to see the nutty emails and texts Id show her but Id let her grow up thinking her dad was great. But then around 13 she started to see it and she had a few blow ups with him. She refused to see him. The court ordered family therapy for them. I took her and the therapist would call me back to pick her up early, sobbing. He could not hold it together even w a professional in the room. At 15 she decided she did not want him in her life. I tried because I still worried shed regret it later. But its been 3 yrs of peace. Once he realized she was too old to BS and she was on to him he gave up. He sends her emails once every 4 months or so and thats it. Never asks me about her and she wont answer him. So its sad it came to this but what I expected to be a long nightmare w a narc just fizzled away within a few years. So hope this helps give some hope that as the kids grow up and can see w adult eyes, things can change. I never would have guessed it at age 10 but here we are only a few yrs later with a completely different situation.

This was super helpful! Remembering to practice attachment security and authoritative parenting is going to be the key in my parenting journey. Thank you again!

Thank you so much! I needed to hear this today...really great content! ☆☆☆☆☆

Thank you so much. I appreciate you taking your time (energy) on helping others. I saw this video just on time.😃

Oh God! You changed my life with what you just said! Back in my mind I always knew that I could do it on myself no matter how my sons father behave. This is just the best new ever!! I will always be thanful for this.

Thank you. This is from great help.. .. One of my preschool children ( adopted) showed some described behaviour. And I started to worry and fealing not to have tools to support him . thank you!!!!!

What if the narc parent undermines the authority and reputation of the other parent, effectively preventing them from being involved or setting consistent structure?

Thank you so much I needed to hear this 🙏🏾🙌🏾

It took me 30 years to figure this out. I’m exhausted. Lol

Thanks again. I have watched this video three times fully in the last two months. It helps.

I am grateful to have found this site.

Dr. Craig Malkin Thank you so much for posting your video. It's extremely helpful, and informative. I had tears of joy after viewing it, for it's given me a sense of peace.

Thank God I came across this! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Dr. Malkin, What can I do to help my daughter? We speak a couple of nights a week and I am going through painful struggle to get back my parenting time. I am a single father and a Co-Parent dealing with the nightmare of Parental Alienation and dealing with a narcissistic sociopath Co-Parent who uses our young daughter as a pawn. My daughter's mother is Counter-Parenting against me. When parents use children as pawns to hurt the other parent the children are the ultimate victims. Parental Alienation is a form a child abuse and bullying and needs to be punished in the courts. This subject of Parental Alienation needs a lot more attention in the media and in the legislatures, the courts, and in law enforcement.

What a relief!!! Thank you so much!

i really enjoyed this video. Thank you! I need to start talking to my son more about MY feeling (not too much) but when he says something a little mean, or when i am happy. I'm always scared to say the wrong thing or say too much.

I am in such a situation with my kids and thank you for this assurance! Indeed my 21 year old daughter is a beautiful, sweet and self-assured young woman now. But my youngest (16 years old) looks a little more after her father. And what you describe here was my second biggest concern. My biggest concern is how can I protect her from getting relationships like I had with her father? I couldn't teach here when she was little because I didn't know and was a wrong rolmodel in choosing men.. I only discovered about narcism, my upbringing and these things less then a year ago. I think that must be more than secure attachment on itself? My understanding is that daughters get there example for choosing a mate is by their fathers example and that worries me a lot in the back of my mind.

This helps a lot as my everyday worries are about the ongoing abuse and corruption of my children through my malignant npd ex husband

Just...thank you for the good news.

This video is life changing, I'm so grateful I stumbled upon it, the timing is almost unbelievable. Thank you so much.

I can not tell you how badly I needed to hear this message!!!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!

Thank you for providing insight into this dynamic. Your book is on its way to my house!

Thank you, Dr. Malkin. I was fascinated by your comment that narcissists devalue love .... could you say more about that in a future podcast please?

Thank you Dr Graig. Very helpful!🙏🏻

These are great and helpful points. Do you have a video on protecting an elderly parent from a narcissistic family member?

❤️ my goodness thank you so much, I needed to hear this exactly today😄😄😄