In my experience, parents often encourage obedience to their kids and conflate it with respect. We can respect people without agreeing with them on everything but children are not allowed to disagree. The belief that children are incapable of having their own voice that has an intrinsic value is held by a lot of parents all over the world. Interestingly, such parents raise their children to become obedient and stoic but want them to simultaneously be assertive and happy later in life. It's like deliberately stemming the growth of a plant and wondering why it's not blooming.

My father had a very short fuse and a bad temper. To this day, (I'm 59) I avoid conflict and situations that had a potential to escalate. This fear made me weak. Only recently, I allowed myself to be disagreeable and feel comfortable saying No.

I can't imagine a better childhood than mine. I got unconditional love from my mother (almost to a fault.) From her I learned compassion, empathy, loyalty, a love of beauty (such as art & music) and much more. My father gave me great love in a different form -- he encouraged me to be strong, resilient, responsible, honest, & more. From him I learned things like the importance of self-development, a love of reading, personal accountability, introspection, and perseverance. He pushed me at times, but I always knew he loved me. I was a happy child and have had a VERY good life. My sisters and I often discuss this -- we feel VERY lucky.

When I was a kid, my dad had a need for me to be perfect - straight A's, well behaved, do whatever he told me to do and agree with him on everything. My mom, on the other hand, she just needed me to exist. Because he needed me to behave a certain way to be loved, I've always felt that love had to be earned by being a good boy - and never valued love that just existed, because it wasn't earned - it always felt fake. Yes, I know that's completely effed up - I still haven't managed to get myself de-programmed from it.

Well, that was a real downer first thing in the morning! Because the thing that I had to do to appease my single parent (mother) was to not exist. I was raised in a "children should be seen but not heard" family. I tried my best to be invisible and not take up too much space or use too much oxygen. At 70, I look back and see how this has affected all areas of my life, and how I have come to the place where I am. I know now that I cannot please everyone and I am OK with that. I also know that my mother had her own issues ( which I don't know what they were), and that I am not responsible. I was about 15 when I first realized that the only way I could make my mother happy was to be unhappy. And, even then, that just didn't seem right! Bless everyone who was affected by this post. 😊😊😊

My mother often blew up at my brother for being difficult, so I learnt to be easy and meek. This bypassed her temper and got through to her kindness, but now I find myself too meek to say my mind when I am legitimately hurt, angered, or upset by others. The law of my land was "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." I'm now learning instead to "find the nicest, but still truthful, way to say it."

It's like deprogramming what we learn to program who we truly are.

I emigrated years ago from my republic, as it was ryfe with emotional tyranny. Actually, I laughed at the beginning as it is a trick question. It took me years to realize there is nothing I can do that will ever be good enough. Hence, I had to leave, for my own sanity.

As toddlers, Kids see their parents as Gods. So anything their parents tell them is the absolute truth even if the parent(s) continually criticise them. This constant negative conditioning throughout their developmental years makes the kid grow up thinking that they are defective & unworthy of love. This is then carried on into adult life and has a life long impact on their self esteem, relationships and success levels.

these kind of stories tend to remind me that my childhood (and teenage years) actually was a pretty great time, in many small ways and in the few details I can remember now it's so long ago. My father encouraged me to enjoy reading, but also to go have fun with my friends, as he was always more introverted. My mother shared her care of animals, and they both had a love of music which I gained and they both encouraged me to be kind to others. I'm the guy who sees someone drop something and grabs it for them so they don't lose it. Wish I'd learned more of mum's skills such as cooking and sewing when I was younger and lazier as she's passed away now. I'd like to think she'd have been proud to see me raising and caring for the little cat family born in my back yard. If I ever become a dad, I'd like to be a bit like my own parents. And I realise such a small percentage of people can say that, and while that's sad, I'm thankful for it.

I emigrated as soon as all connections to my childhood died or disappeared. The relief was palpable. I was in my early 60’s though. It took a long time & I had no idea that in disconnecting from the past I could feel so much better.

How beautiful and important this is. Thank you The School of Life again.

Inner child healing I think is essential for every human to find compassion for themselves and others.

I wasn't allowed to be smarter than my father. He paid for me to attend college, but I believe that secretly, he hoped I'd drop-out and come home to the family business (like all my brothers and cousins did). After I graduated, I went on to grad school and, ultimately, law school. We grew further and further apart after that. My mother had gone to college but we always avoided talking about it. My Dad was incredible insecure.

This hits hard. I’m still a victim i find. In adult relationships. Self esteem, self worth, boundaries, insecurity, fighting for myself, fear of backlash or repercussions i don’t understand or see coming - all things i have serious difficulties with. And it continues to damage me. Even on my current close but non-romantic friendship relationship with also a beautiful but clearly damaged person (and housemate). There are very very hard moments and/or days.

I have really lovely warm parents who created a wonderful childhood generally, but what they did teach me that has been hard to completely overcome is that I was the "easy" child who never had any issues, and that was good because they already had their hands full with my brothers, who are highly gifted and struggled socially and academically. Basically what this taught me is that I should never have a problem or need help, and if I do I'm failing. Still unpacking this with my therapist and with my parents themselves.

i think other figures have impacted how my brain got wired during childhood even more than my parents, such as my neighbors, peers, relatives. especially relatives. like, now that i'm in my 20s i can see how a huge part of my negative inner voice was once this aunt's or uncle's outer voice towards me. also, even now that i'm an adult, i can still feel these people whom i didn't choose to be associated with with blood, influencing my self-image and world view. i hate how it's so excruciatingly hard to break free from how a group of toxic people shapes you as a person and you never chose to be born among them.

This is what this wave in human evolution is all about. Ever more dictators are pretty old. Knowing that their game is over once we are aware of this magnificent message. Thank you🍀

This is so great! I learned as a small child from my family, it wasn't about me, has never been about me, and won't ever be about me. I responded accordingly!

I just love so much the poetic, and compassionate way School of Life videos describe these situations. Please don't stop making these videos. They are a "glimmer of hope in the sea of dissapointment" :)

This is similar to the questions Tony Robbins has people ask themselves at his Date With Destiny seminar: . 1. Whose love did you crave the most: your mother or your father? (Not who you loved the most, whose love you CRAVED the most) 2. Using your answer: Who did you have to be in order to receive their love? . The odds are likely your answer to question 2 are behavioral patterns you're still repeating today in your relationships. 🙌

You talk about the same topics over and over yet you do so in a new way almost every time deepening my understanding of the subject at hand and I appreciate that.

We're mere decals of our environment from the very beginning. And the psychological effect of priming sends us evermore back into the first lines programmed into our mind. No Way Out !

I never found the right answer. I just grew up and gave up finding it sad and unuseful , deciding there will never exist something right, enough or good. Because it wasn't about me. Thank you for your videos!

I didn't really have to do much to please my parents but still feel like I had to find myself. The religions, values, and ways of doing things have all been adjusted to fit a new direction for my adult life.

The one question I’m always asking myself in understanding who I am is wondering why I always end up in situations where I question my life choices right after ordering something during my late night online shopping binges.

My dad was not close to us but he provided. My mom cared for us but she was and still is very traditional and emotion driven. Thankfully I question everything and analyze before action. I am my mother’s opposite. Although my personality makes me aloof to love and emotion, I don’t feel lacking. I am retired, single, and childless. I live a quiet and contented life, always set personal goals to achieve.

I don’t love myself, and sometimes I feel as if I am unlovable. However, when I look back, I only remember that I was loved by my parents unconditionally. My parents always say: “People miss out if they choose to avoid you,” but often I feel the complete opposite. That I am always on the edge to being left behind because I can’t be loved truly. However those thoughts of mine are toxic, and I need to change that mindset, although it can feel very very real

That was powerful and extremely helpful. Thank you!!! *What did I have to do? "Be Perfect no matter what."* 😔

My father was always too emotionally unstable and I hid my feelings for years for fear of making him more upset. My mother lacked the ability to care for her children because of many others reasons. I lacked the warmth and support of either of them and had to soldier on. Thank you school of life, a few close friends, and therapy.

Moms and dads were also programmed and didn't know how to raise their first kid.. When it gets to their grandchildren, they chill out. Trauma is the past, anxiety is the future, bills, however, still need to be paid.

unfortunately i don't know how to answer the question, because nothing I did satisfied them or made them pay attention to me. Honor student, good at sport and winning medals, speak 6 languages, tried to self learn to play an instrument since they didn't wanna pay for my lessons, then i tried starving myself, cutting myself, disobeying, never coming home, doing drugs, shaving my hair... nothing made them pay attention. Went back to what I love doing and that is studying, became a doctor. At one point they had epiphanies of their own and told me they were always proud of me but well it's too late. The fucked up life and childhood happened and no therapy is helping much

To take away someone’s voice (essence) is one thing, but to not be able to ‘discover’ it unhindered… I think many are in this spot right now. I only hold great hope + compassion for this new adventure. ♥️

The more psychologically unhealthy a person is, the less that that person can perceive these issues at the base of their being.

"You must unlearn, what you have already learned."

Jostein Gaarder wrote a fantastic book called Sophies' World which is a kind of dialog between a mysterious unknwon and invisible person and the young Sophie who receive letters with questions in her mailbox. One of the question Sophie has received is 'Who are you?' 'It follows Sophie Amundsen, a Norwegian teenager, who is introduced to the history of philosophy as she is asked "Who are you?" in a letter from an unknown philosopher.' Reading this book can help.

My first thought was "You don't need to do anything, be lazy and keep watching on your phone." However, once I went past the age of 9 years old, did issues come to me, on top of moving to a country with less monetary opportunities, putting extra stress in my parents, So they slowly stopped supporting what I did, I found it wrong that they were angry at me for something I did all the time without previous problems, I got fed up, cycle repeats, not doing chores, them berating me over what I am, repeating what I kept on doing. That's what it is, I at least know what could be wrong, I want to grow up and do even basic things around the house, however, they're too used to seeing me as rather useless sometimes, so they make it difficult to make myself move on from that, see ya.

Four minutes of gold. Thank you.

I think the thesis needs refinement. For as long as I can remember my parents didn't really register for me--or factor that largely into my mental bandwidth . I was in my own world. My mother just seemed approving, and my father just did his own thing. For my father, I just needed to stay on the right side of his rules. But it didn't feel to me like I sought their approval at all, really. I was probably more interested in peers--but perhaps not even that. I had an amazing childhood. It was rich in friendship, exploration, and pursuing my own curiosity.

Excellent, as always. Thank you. The opening lines of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina are something like (based on translation), "All happy families are happy in the same ways. All unhappy families are unhappy in their own, unique ways." The basic components of Freud's ego structure are Id, Ego, and Super Ego. Id is the selfish, unmitigated, unmediated, unrestrained, impulse that wants and needs. It is grounded in the body. Super Ego is roughly the set of "rules" of the culture in which the individual exists. It is grounded in the mind. Super Ego provides the "Master Narrative" for the developing Ego: the hopes, dreams, desires, fears, etc. Super Ego/the Master Narrative is the macrocosm. The individual family within the Master Narrative is the microcosm. I think happy families are those that successfully interpret and negotiate the Master Narrative and teach their children to do the same. Children who are fortunate enough to be raised in families like like this have "healthy Egos" and will, therefore, probably have "happy and successful lives." They have been taught how to control their Id so as to successfully negotiate the Master Ego. Human beings are social creatures. A healthy Ego, then, is roughly the result of achieving a balance between Id and Super Ego. Of course, I am saying all this in very broad strokes, but it is an idea that I have thought about a lot and for a long time, and this general concept makes sense to me. Thank you again, School of Life, for another great post. You guys and gals are the best. : )

BRILLIANT! So succinct and right on. Thank you. 👏🏽

I love Alain, his voice is immediately soothing

How can you put this much wisdom in a 3 min video? How much do you have that 3 min representation of it contains such a great concentration of wisdom?

I realized when I was six that I'm never going to please everyone. No matter what I do, some people are going to be happy and some people are going to be unhappy. I've always just focused on being my true self, regardless of what other people think. Most people like my authenticity, but authority figures, including my parents, tend to feel threatened by me. I've been told by many people (psych ward staff members) that my sole purpose in life is to make my parents happy. I reject that notion. Even if I didn't reject it, my parents absolutely refuse to be happy. I am an optimist living in a family of pessimists. My parents and sister are all 'glass all empty' type people. They seem to believe that that is the only right way to view the world. Overall, I was never 'normal' enough for their tastes. They and many others keep on trying to 'fix' me, usually with psychiatric medication. I'm currently still legally required to take an anti psychotic due to misinformation my parents and various medical professionals keep making up about me and it is not affecting me well.

When I don’t know who I am I just look at my drivers license. It even shows where I live!

What did my parents expect of me? Ouch! I think they just wanted me to love life mostly. Be enthusiastic about the right things, have a sense of humour, get an education and to 'do my best' at things I considered worthy. Oh, and to stay out of trouble. A rather fair and well-adjusted set of expectations, I'd say. And easy enough to meet.

Wow... This straight up doesn't apply to me. I'm so saddened so many people had parents like that. My parents just loved me. They weren't perfect, they made mistakes, but they just loved me. They still love me. My parents helped me buy my house a couple decades ago, my dad helped my brother buy a car a few years ago. My parents supported and cared for us. Imperfectly, surely, but thoroughly.

Great video as always! Every time I see your videos, it always gives me something to think about, usually it's something that I realize I need to unpack sooner or later. But like most things emotional-related that happens in my life, it's usually later rather than sooner. My parents have a temper. And if I get upset, that sets them off even more. So I learn to contain all of it. I can't afford to feel, I have to go to school, or to work. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I fear that taking down one brick will be enough to break the entire dam, and I fear that I have a lot of anger that just...have been buried. I don't want to know what happens. But I have to. Sooner or later.

thanks so much for this. I've watched so many videos and had so much therapy to try and uncover more clues about my psyche and how to live more authentically. this short video gave me a brand new insight that I'm eager to explore with my therapist. I really appreciate your insightful questions.

You must imagine that's the worst conundrum of childhood. Instead of parents to please, you may have parents you need to hide from.

I love and have learned so much from this channel. My wish, however, is that the film would be allowed to finish before the advertising ruins the artistry of the video.

My mom and dad wanted me to be a smiling emotional punching bag for my mom. That resulted in self-hatred that even decades of expensive therapy hasn’t been able to lessen.

One of your best. Well done.

A wise person once said the purpose of life is to overcome/integrate the challenges/trauma of a dysfunctional upbringing and a dysfunctional society.

Do we have control of what appears in our conciousness? This to me might be the most important question for ourselves and life in general

This is brilliant. Killing me softly. Well done.

Brilliant!! I migrated almost 30 years ago, I missed home sometimes, but when I go back is the same old same old with my dad.

Wow, those noses at the end in different colours! So wonderfully creative and delicate. I sometimes feel guilty for not always noticing all the details that indicate the deep thought and time that has gone into making these outstanding videos which always support the gentle messages, thank you!

I emigrated from my father when I understood he would not change, and I had to accept that. And I emigrated from my mother when I understood she would never be pleased, and would endlessly ask me to be/do something.

I'd love to live inside Allan's brain at least for a day 🤍 I bet it'd be so healing ❤ Love this videos🤍 true food for thought. Thank you, the school of life ❤

Thank you!

There’s a counter argument that says we’re adults and we have to stop blaming our past, especially our parents, for our current state. This counter argument can create a false promise that we can prosper by ignoring our past and can only be considered after we confront the facts they we’ve frequently buried. There’s real work involved in becoming as independent as possible of our past, understanding ourselves, moving bravely forward, and living a full and gratifying life.

Thank you.

I know my parents did their best. I only learned to make my own decisions a year or two ago and I'm 34 😮 before that i would always get the opinion of my mom. I still care what she says, but now I know it's up to me and I can choose what I want without input. Guess I've made some rebellious decisions, but I'm glad to have that privilege.

I’m so glad that gentle parenting is more the norm today than it was in our childhood and I hope to instill nothing but good to my daughter.

This really made me pause and think. Thank you, I have some self-reflection to do.

Thank you for these clear and meaningful questions

Wow... so profoundly brilliant...

Thank you 🙏

Reflecting on can empower us to break free from outdated patterns and pursue a life that truly reflects our personal aspirations. 💡

i think of this often, im overly conscious of being judged and absolutely terrified of conflict. and i know that it roots back to how my family was, they wanted an obedient child that never embarrassed them, and that obedient child never got to say what they actually wanted. it is very difficult for me to know what i want or make even seemingly simple decisions . but as a 21 year old i don't feel it's very satisfying to just blame everything on my parents, they are just people at the end of the day, both too busy with work and occupied with the next hurdle tryina keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, and i am now an adult after all i always feel like a big part of the blame is on me because i never really fought back their authority, i gave into it to stay safe, i was terrified of them getting angry at me, to the point that i completely erased myself deep down just to escape momentarily uncomfort. and another thing is, even now that i am aware of this, genuinely how am i supposed to get better? how am i supposed to stop being scared, no matter how i try to intellectualize these fears, i understand their roots, and where they came from, but i am still weak, i still have a very hard time making decisions, i cant fully connect with people because i am deeply afraid of being seen, this has ruined so many relationships for me, i cant open up even when i know why i cant open up. i cant seem to see a solution

This is absolutely brilliant

Loneliness started in early childhood for me. Its nearly always been rhe same. Whether i have people in my life or not loneliness is always there. I know my mum always said how she had always felt lonely. She lived to 80 finally dying in january. Im nearly 56 and have never managed to find prolonged happiness or companionship. I hate myself i don't want to be alive. I long for death and try to induce it through my poor physical health. It will soon get to the point forcing death has to be done. I dont want to end up like mum with dementia, frail, scared and confused. Loneliness has taken all hope and all desire for life from me.

What a great video again! To the heart of the matter! ❤

first word that came to mind after hearing that question was 'behave', but really I didn't have to do anything, which is why I never had to try

Okay, I'll take a shot at this, as everyone else has. I needed to be normal. To not be so afraid of everything, including just going down a slide. To learn emotions are deceiving. To have emotional control. To think before speaking and acting. To have a more rational and psychological well mind. To truly understand there is very little we can control. To be more social, to truly understand that is way the world works. To develop determination, to not give up so quickly. To develop resiliency, for that is how high achievers get anything done. To know that structure and discipline in every aspect is not the enemy ... laziness and fear are your proper enemies. To know and understand that structure and discipline are the other things that make high achievers .. not "talent" or "gifts". To know that fantasy, faerie tales, imagination, dreams, and daydreams are illusions and anchors that would tie me down, that would keep me living and developing as a human being. To see them as a crutch that would turn into a wheelchair if I was not careful. To learn that taking responsibility and accountability with things is more right than wrong, even when it does not feel that way. I can keep going on with my failures to learn and become anything more than a creature of flesh and bone, but I will stop and end the point with this one ... To learn how to grow the hell up and be a proper gentleman. How did I do? Did I cover a lot? Did I uncover this "wounded, inner child?"

Thank you:)

I needed to agree with them.

I just got this exact thought today when I was digging some dirt at my greenhouse

thank you

So true about family having more effect than culture. There is more variation within the populations than between the populations.

This isn't who you are. This is who some else told you who you are. Who you actually are runs much deeper than this.

Small correction: Boakye = /bo-a-CHI/ (twas so cool to hear Ghana in there! 🫶🏾)

Thanks Freud

They nailed it. But the examples were all things older kids would deal with, when a lot of major personality shaping influences happen in the first 6 years of childhood. Unfortunately, we can't look back on most of those memories.

In my broken family it was less about support and approval but more about not getting scolded. So this lesson only applies to those that did not grow up in a broken family.

I really try to make sure my child knows he is unconditionally loved, while at the same time teaching boundaries around behaviour. I want to have a good relationship with him mostly. Obviously I want him not to struggle in life and do well, but mostly I want him to feel able to tell me what’s going on for him. Honestly I’m always second guessing myself and tell myself that I’m doing my best and will pay for the family therapy when he’s older so he can tell me everything I got wrong 🤦‍♀️

Okay i'll take this chance to think about these things 1) what did I need to do? Follow EXACT instructions as they were MEANT to be told and not as they were said . There was a slight skew towards a lack of understanding of my conception of the instructions . I didn't exactly find it very daunting, just slightly disappointing. I think I was naturally good at extrapolating other's goals . It may be following me as I, myself, lack the understanding of "why can't people understand that we need this done by the weekend since I sent it via email a while ago" obviously not sending a message or talking to them about it (these last two options would've showed me more input on why they can't or won't do it in a much faster way) Focus on my safety and doubt the intentions of strangers . This one is fairly straightforward and I think an overall good thing although it was overly represented which may or may not have ruined my trust in "the best intentions" . It's also important to note that my family was the type to bash the remaining of the family in their absence, and as a neutral member it saddened me so now even as I feel mistreated or unfairly judged, I still think about the possible situations that lead to that rather than blame the person . I'm not very adventurous but I don't have a good sense of danger because I've always been in safety Restrain myself if I am doing too much of something . Let's just say girly has a lot of attachment issues; with objects, myself, people, goals...etc . It was a requirement mainly because as a kid I was annoying, as all kids are, and I used to love brushing my aunty's hair in all weird typa creative things. My mom got annoyed since I wasn't showing signs of getting tired lol and it stayed with me because she got angry angry😂 2) so then what? I don't know... I'll post it to read it out more openly then think about it

Very insightful- as always. The laws of yesteryears, besides being strict and sometimes harsh, also provided with the useful direction and orientation. When you try to migrate from the old republic, a challenge will be to learn to orient ourselves in the absence of the old laws, and how best to adapt to this new situation.

To please my father I needed to get him a beer and stay out of the way of television. For my mother, it was just stay out of jail. So I'm not sure this applies to me. My siblings were all delinquent dropouts. So I basically raised myself.

Bravo TSoL! ❤❤❤❤❤

Who you are is what you believe. Be a seeker of truth to become what you were born to be.

I think the 1 of the main things that influences what kind of person somebody becomes. Is where their desire for control lies. Weather it be desire to control others, yourself, situations around you or things. Once these categories are separated I think you would find many of the same kind of people in the same category.

What a beautiful animation.

My mother despised me so there was no love there. My father loved me but was always away at work. We moved all the time. Sometimes up to 4 times a year. The only thing I still continue to do from my childhood is argue and defend the weak.

I feel like I am nothing since I've lost everyone in my life. They are all in the past, and I am left alone for the future. And it was as if my identity lied in who I hang out with. And as soon as these people disappeared and I had to stand on my own legs completeley, then I know longer knew who I was. I need to find who I am without thinking that I am someone only when I have a certain set of people in my life. My identity shouldn't be based on who I hang out with.

Very good 👍

They didn't demand anything from me. And I never pushed the boundaries enough to find if there ever was a limit. My life is many times better than their lives. More adventure, education, success, money.... Is this lack of demands a problem?

This is hard to answer as l wasn't wanted by my mother. I guess it was keeping quiet and not bothering her.

Emigrate. 😊 Actually, I did. Not just from the suffocating expectations, but I also literally self-exiled from the country. It made all the difference.