Being a 'pick me' girl isnt about what you like or do, it's whether you use it to belitle your own gender lol

The easiest way to recognize a pick me is if she shames you in front of boys or says that she doesn't have female friends cuz they are full of drama

Thank you so much for pointing out the way pickme is often used to insult non-feminine women! It's one of my biggest pet peeves! A girl isn't a pick me if she doesn't wear makeup or if she likes sports or gaming. The issue comes when they criticize other women for male validation. And there are valid reasons to criticize, for example, make up without doing it for male validation.

girly girls criticise tomboy girls for not being girly enough. Tomboys criticise girly girls for being too girly. Girly girly criticise tomboys for being pick-me's, and now we're criticising girly girls for assuming unfeminine girls are pick-me's. How about we just... leave each other alone?? lmao

something that really bothers me about how everyone's being called a pick-me these days is the fact that you can't criticize things that are associated with traditional femininity; if you speak up about how the beauty and wellness industry is toxic and profits off of our insecurities or if you condemn certain beauty practices because it sends out the message that ethnic features are inherently ugly and need to be corrected (contouring the nose for example), you'll immediately be called a pick-me girl. disagreeing with a woman or simply disliking a woman is unacceptable, because for some reason, in an attempt to break out of the whole "women are a monolith" thing, we've circled right back into becoming a monolith.

I think what's super interesting too, is the fact that while 'pick me' girls (who, sure, probably have valid reasons to be called that, i guess) can be annoying, pick me boys are far worse. I've been studying criminology for about 5 years now, and let me tell you, it's the pick me boys that will most likely unalive you. Stemming from the inability to handle rejection, to other issues that they really need to go the therapy for - it's super fascinating to see that women are the plight of criticism for this genre of people :/

People do use the term way to loosely but miss Kendall is always trying her hardest to be different like Alllll the time. It’s super weird.

I think the takeaway is: You can like whatever you want to like, but you don't have to put down other women at the same time. It's not necessary, it's just asshole behaviour, especially if you're no longer a teen.

I disagree about kendall jenner. She literally oozes “I’m not like other girls hehe I’m so quirky” when she says what she’s saying in the clip

As someone who went to an all girl school (from age 9 to 17), my pick me girl phase was not about getting male's attention, it was more of trying to create an unique identity for myself 😗

Finally! 🎉 Someone who defines the "pick me" term well. Too tired to see lot of people resume "pick me" to girls who don't have what we call "feminine style".

i love how kendall is getting her recognition as the lead representative of this archetype 😌💅

To add to this: I find it disappointing now we have women who have made entire TikTok careers out of playing caricatures of Pick-me’s to mock them. The critique behind the Pick-me mentality is that it’s harmful to women because it relies on women making themselves superior to other women by distancing themselves from traditional femininity and by putting down their entire gender in the process for the exchange of male approval. These TikTok’s have eager comments from males viewers chiming in and how “annoying” they are and women commenters agreeing. It seems hypocritical at best and counterproductive at its worse. Ironically caricaturing the “Pick-me” in a way that may cause harm to real women that are “Pick-me’s” is like…”Pick-me” supremacy. We even have celebrity “Pick-me” witch hunts like in the K-Pop world with underage celebrities like Wonyoung and Yuna getting “called out” online for so called “Pick-me” behavior. We need more video essays like this that discuss the issue mindfully and address what is wrong with the “Pick-me” mentality and why it’s harmful. And no more videos where the joke is to mean spiritedly mock other women. Otherwise we are just doing the very thing we claim to take issue with.

As you said it amazes me how at this point we have to have a label for everything and you HAVE to fit in only one box I personally wouldn't say that I'm girly or boyish I just like the things I like, people will call me basic for liking fashion and a pick me for not wearing makeup, basic for liking chick flicks and and a pick me for like sci-fi, super heroes and anime just let people live

Women like me just don't wear make-up or Pink and play video games just because we genuinely like them but not to seek a guy's attention. That's just sexism.

totally agree with this whole vid, especially the part about reinforcing sexism!! i think some girls work so hard to try and unlearn all the internalised misogyny by embracing pink/makeup/skirts/etc (e.g. things that were previously demonised) that it can go too far the other way by demonising girls who are into sports/jeans/not wearing makeup etc. ultimately the biggest indicator of a 'pick me' is not a girl who is interested in traditionally masculine things but whether she believes her interest in such traditionally masculine things makes her better than other women (esp women who are interested in typically feminine things).

Men claim to love when women are interested in more masculine things, but not if it means men will be overshadowed LMAO

Women that defend manosphere are pick me, and I'm not even femminist.

Really enjoyed this one, I think the whole pick me girl debacle(and to an extent the pick me boy) changed and moved to separate meanings very quickly. Like how you expressed in the video about pick me girls and how women aren’t allowed to be masculine or even just enjoy traditions non feminine activities, and similarly with men and how any sensitivity or feminine traits is labeled Gay, simp like or pick me behavior. Crazy how the internet changes meanings of things for better and often for worse

I think for some "pick me girls" it's just an manifestation of their identity crisis and not wanting to be associated with some stereotypes about women. As a child of immigrants, my identity crisis has made me do/say stuff when it comes to people from my background that I don't agree with anymore too. I also didn't like how the victim role was pushed on me as a non-white person with regards to racism and stuff. I think that's also something young women are struggling with as well. I just hope we as women can work together to create a better world for our gender and figure out how to do it in a healthy and ethical way.

Seeing clips of movies from 2000 and realizing the fashion isn't any different from 2021 is really weird.

There are many things men do to be attractive to women and no one connects it with patriarchy or anything like that. What if some women just like to be attractive to men and prioritize that goal over their relationships with other women - what does it have to do with patriarchy? To make things a bit more complex, what if they also genuinely like sports or videogames and aren't interested in makeup and consider the obsession with makeup stupid? Does this necessarily need to have anything to do with patriarchy at all?

Calling someone a "pick me girl" is starting to sound like a very "pick me girl" or "I'm not like other girl" thing to do. All girls have a "pick me" or "I'm not like other girls" side whether you want to admit it or not. Everyone wants to be "picked."

I’d like to see someone talk about the friendship dynamics of pick me girls and I’m not like other girls girls. The experience of being some girls only female friend was a strange one to be sure

the worst thing currently happening is how people will literally call anybody a pick me girl nowadays because of simple phrases they said that in that context, don't even belittle any other woman. like someone saying "i'm so short", yes it's annoying having someone tell you that repeatedly but it is not pick me at all. i feel like the label of the pick me girl has just made it easier for all women in general to hate on each other.

Loved this video so much! Very informative and came across very well! I hate how anything is labelled now as a “pick me” it’s so annoying. Like you said just bc you don’t want to wear makeup is doesn’t make you a “pick me” putting other women down now that’s a pick me. Ugh it’s so annoying thanks for making the video tho :)

How is picking on and shaming pick me girls different from what pick me girls do?

Like manic pixie dream girl… started as a criticism of male writers

I feel like ppl forgot the fact that Kendall Jenner liking sports acc makes a lot of sense considering one of her parents was literally an Olympic athlete, they've talked about how Kendall literally inherited Caitlyns "athlete" genes and body type countless times on KUWTK, I don't think it's a pick me thing at all

I agree that just because their Tomboys or aren't knee deep in what girls should be into doesn't mean they are pick me girls.

Is Bella from twilight a pick me girl? It hit me that in the story it is constantly made a point that "shes not like other girls" but its never explained WHY? Are we suppossed to believe that someone with the personality of watching wall paint dry is somehow better than every other female character in the story? She never pays attention to her appereance either clothes or makeup (something she makes a point that she doesnt like) and still somehow manages to look better than the other shallow and vapid girls around her. And though she claims not to like male attention she sure milks it for all its worth when its convenient All this time it bugged me that there was something off about her and that it was more than just being a self insert of the author as a way to cope with not being popular in HS and I think I finally figured it out

It's fascinating to see the gentrification of this term...

"I'm not like pick me girls, I'm one of the good ones!"

Yeah…I’ve been noticing people misusing the term now. It’s sad

love that video. i hate everything is a pick me or that girl etc. sometimes we just like things

I remember when I was really little, just from a young age I was a girly girl, I put some make up on, ofc it was just childish and silly, my older neighbour maybe 20yr. old, she scrutinized me because of it, like it was bad or I am not going to grow into a good woman if I started make up this young, I remember feeling really ashamed by it. We make feel little girls ashamed just bcs they are girlie, which is natural, like its going to make them unmoral grown ups or something....

My favourite colour is black and I really love legally blonde. She was so cute and adorable and so smart with really good fashion sense. She even supported other women didn't hate the girl her bf chose over her. I do hate wirh my very core any of juila roberts rom coms. Or romcoms in general

one thing that gets erased is that the origins of "pick me" stems from black culture and AAVE and while its current usage isn't completely divorced from its original meaning like say "woke" or "canceled" many people often forget it stems from a specific sort of racislized internal misogyny that black women encounter

interesting video as always ,learning a lot while I've noticed the different types in the movies i had no idea the general public had coined terms for certain types of behaviour very interesting indeed

Lots of support to you girl...Go queen ❤❤❤

So is simping the male equivalent of the "pick me girl"? Are men who simp exhibiting sexist behavior, and a product of the reverse patriarchy? No....of course not. The problem with these videos, while they have many interesting points to say, is that they take many factors of society as a given, despite the fact that they are highly debatable and complicated. The existence of the patriarchy is a debatable topic on its own. And even if the Patriarchy DOES exist in some sense, it is an extremely vauge and non concrete topic that can not be treated as true a noun. Additionally, what counts as "misogyny" is extremely hard to nail down. Anything masculine does not equal misogyny, which is basically the impression one gets from watching these videos. In the end, I think the majority of people watching these videos, and the creator, understands that these are click bait. Everything in existence is not a result of sexism, misogyny, or "the patriarchy", despite what these videos would have you believe. It worked on me! I keep clicking these videos because of the click bait topics. But every video proves itself to be the same hyper exaggeration and cherry picked talking points. It's actually kind of funny. The answer to every question is "sexism" and no depth is EVER taken to explain WHY it's sexism, it's just "sexism". We know why this is happening though: It's an attempt to make more content that will get views.

Great and interesting video, will comment on the audio mixing but I'm only saying this because i'm leaving a comment anyway for the algorithm

It’s hard as a young woman not to be misogynistic and hate stereotypical female traits when you’ve been severely bullied. Even once the bullying stops, you start to associate feminine traits with cruelty and begin to write people off at a first glance by whether they dress femininely or not. I exhibited pick me traits without the seeking male attention part for pretty much the entirety of my childhood, until I was at least 14.

Okay but Elaine is not a pick me, she really didn’t have any female friends

Love it - and being me, label-free - whether in a gown, or gumboots

My experience was more balanced, I don't know if that's purely a I didn't grow up in America factor, but I had my brothers friends and I had girl friends too, we all enjoyed each other's company but when I started dating I definitely lost touch with girls for a period and was focusing on my relationship and I guess my 'pick me' instincts were channeled in a healthy way to my now husband, but iv always has room for girls and embraced having friendships where ever possible. Being authentic is the key, and embracing who and what is around you, my family went camping and 4x4ing alot and I enjoy the outdoors, but I always wanted to bring a pink sleeping bad and make my tent pretty with lights and girly things etc etc... I think my point is labels are a waste of time because everyones lives have different aspects to it that make it unique, we are all unique, now I hate 4x4ing haha

Just started the video and want to gently point out that Pick Me is a SUPER old term in the Black community and isn’t just the latest iteration of the “Not like other girls” girl as stated at the beginning of the video. Please go a little further back love cause there are racial implications in this phrase that have been lost since it was popularized for the mainstream. It didn’t start in 2016 that’s just when it went viral

"we compete with other women for our own self-esteem" that's the realest thing i've ever heard, it blew my mind

Some girls bcome pick me as a coping mechanism they really cant do makeup and get mocked for that or cant form friendships wirh women or were bullied by their female classmates and maybe for that they find men are nicer and easier to talk

People criticize people and social media for following trends and having the same personality and stuff but then will criticize anyone who even tries to step out of the tiny box and they call them pick me’s like is it so wrong to want to be different from other girls or unique as long as your not hurting or putting down others, “pick me” used to be a word to describe girls who put down other girls for male attention, but it lost its meaning after now everything a girl says and does differently is “pick me”

It’s pretty ironic that Kendal is a whole pick me when she is literally a (bad) RUNWAY MODEL.

I'm a "don't pick me" woman and don't care about validation from either: men or women💀

The problem is that the term is used to mean two very different things. There are the actual pick me girls, who purposely do things differently from the cliché in order to be liked by men (throwing other women under the bus is optional). But there are also the pick me girls who are not pick me girls but are labelled as such by other women, especially when other women realize that the false pick me girl has as much dating success or even more than they do. I think the pick me girl concept is a weapon conservative women wield because they feel threatened by the women who are successful without subscribing to the gender roles. Example: I get called a pick me because I don’t consume extensions, falsies and acrylic nails, and use no makeup most days, merely because I ain’t got no time for that-and guys love it because it turns out they feel safer with you when you let them take an honest look at you and things are easier for them if a woman doesn’t overcomplicate things with all it takes to look “feminine” and “attractive.” I am not steering clear from foreign objects and makeup to make a point or to attract men, but the women who can’t leave the house without a full face of makeup can’t handle the fact that they spent an hour layering it on only to see the men they covet be more interested in a Plain Jane. So I get labelled as a pick me. TL;DR: the pick me concept is the proverbial banana peel women place at other women’s feet to try to win. It’s the same kind of sorry attitude Tonya Harding displayed when she had Nancy Kerrigan’s knee broken.

Socialized to desire male approval, competing with others for esteem

I wrote a paper long ago and it was basically that early in the last century when cinema was new and empire building was beginning, films tended to enforce solidarity and communal problem resolution. After the fifties the problem became people were a little TOO communal and film began to be used to enforce social norms, and the question arises as to at what point 'enforcing social norms' becomes 'social control'. In reality MOST tend to be wish fulfilment and focuse on the problems of the most popular kids choosing between one another. In reality certainly in my day any girl would would have sex would instantly become a 'pick me' girl to virtually everybody in eyeshot. They could say "i'm a tomboy' and the response would be "so?" or "does that mean you do it with girls too?" They could say "I'm a girly girl" and the response would be "so?" or "does that mean ...censored". All I can say to any younger women is that after high school I had several girls say they had crushes on me and I had NO clue. And whether they were a tomboy, girly girl, amputee, trekkie, goth, hell or gay experimenting I wouldn't have cared. I was simply clueless. MOST young adult movies are about pitching romance as a 'battle', as mentioned its about the patriarchy and keeping women from 'unionizing', and thats similar with men and boys where there is a pecking order and according to Hollywood a whole concrete social organization that can't be reformed.

Nobody likes being dragged down from the top Although you got all the points right it doesn't take into account the human psyche to not desire a power change when a person is in advantage Taking me as an Example, As a Man i do feel progressive and supportive to see this being promoted but still at the back of my mind i feel a little threatened. Might be the Environment i grew up in but the existence of advantage being taken away leaves a sour taste in my mouth even if it isn't right of me. Overall It's a Great Video Essay

I absolutely hate this concept and I hate the talking points that people who champion the topic use. 1. "Pick Me" girls value male validation too much - So what? Maybe she wants a relationship and wants to be loved more than her peers. Maybe she has really low self esteem. Maybe she struggles to find a relationship. It could be she's not very pretty and thinks this is her only chance to overcompensate enough to get some control over her dating life. I think all of these are understandable situations that not only girls but human beings do often end up in. They aren't the most healthy situations and they are things a person should hope to work on for themselves, but I really don't see how the existence of a person like this is really such a problem for other people. 2. The "Pick Me" girl possesses internalized mysogyny - Why are we so quick to call it that if she is turned off by conventionally feminine interests and naturally bonds more with men? Not every girl is going to or has to be girly. And not every girl who prefers to hang with guys is inherently bad or misogynistic for doing that. When I think of internalized misogny behavior in women, I think of the kind of female anchors you would see on Fox News shilling all things right wing like the sanctity of marriage and family values and being anti-abortion. Women who truly believe other women belong in the kitchen and will say so. I don't think if a girl saying she'd rather hang out with her guy friends because she just happens to think more like them and get along better with them. People get to be different, it's what makes the world go round. Other people need to chill sometimes. 3. Women are conditioned to crave male validation since birth - This is not unique to women. Men get crushes, they catch feelings, and the inability to attract a female partner makes a man feel less than other men socially too, so there is some urgency for some men as I would expect there is going to be some urgency for some women too. Most of the time, women I have talked to over the years, including some that might fit into the "pick me" category by these standards, say they apply their makeup and try to look pretty not for men, but for the other women who care more about the nuance of makeup and hairstyles and will compliment each other when they think someone else looks nice. Aside from that, there are girl crazy boys and there are boy crazy girls and I don't think either of those things is necessarily problematic. 4. I also cringe when I hear the term "the Patriarchy" thrown in - So often I feel like I hear this term thrown around without any weight to it, as just another buzzword to prop up a feminist argument. It often feels like they just want an excuse to blame the patriarchy in order to make it sound like a bigger problem than it actually is. I could think of some places where that term would apply and make sense. A guy getting off with a short sentence in a rape case. The prevalence of Harvey Weinstein type figures in Hollywood getting away with terrible things for decades. Donald Trump for godsakes. Beauty pageants, while we're at it. If people were attributing those things to the patriarchy, I wouldn't mind it so much. But when it's attributed to much smaller, more arbitrary social things that could just as easily be explained away as "well that's just how some people are and it's not really hurting anyone that much" you kind of lose me. Sometimes it feels like just an anti-men piece of discourse rather than fair criticism.

6:20 I don’t remember that in the office

what if i put down men for female validation

I think it’s thrown around way too much. Actual pick me behaviour is usually quite extreme, or appears extreme as it’s some kind of grift. I see the term used just because a girl has a guy best friend, or because she doesn’t personally identify as a feminist in the modern sense (3rd-4th wave). That isn’t a pick me. Also, if someone has been “picked” a long time ago, I don’t see how that person is a pick me? Also the fact it’s on directed at women. Trust me there are male pick mes. They usually shout about how “alpha” they are constantly, or they are the typical ‘nice guy’. Most nice guys/girls are automatically pick mes. Not being able to take rejection is pick me behaviour.

This girl I was seeing called Courtney Ryan a pick me girl. Just cause she talked about why men select for certain things. At least in average

In some level the pick me girl is a normal girl with other interest BUT the extreme makes it become ridiculous! Is normal to like other things and seek approval from people you like the problem is more on how the pick me acts like she’s THE BETTER GIRL, that’s just her own ego trying to hurt other in order to suit her own.

Great analysis. But could barely hear a thing without headphones.

So,she's not a crazy matriarch then?😁

I think there are a lot of cases where criticism shouldn’t be directed at the pick me girl herself, but it should be directed at the patriarchy. But there are also other cases where the girl is so mean that the criticism should be directed at her 😅

as you get older you realize that balance is important. Being multi layered like enjoying dressing up but also being laid back about getting messy and being active is good, because of the flexibility. Doing more things just makes for a CHANCE to be a more interesting person, but it doesn't make you better person than someone who doesn't and it doesn't mean you'll get "the guy" you still need to be a good person, and honestly it comes down to each person's preference in a partner

It seems like a phrase that's used to keep non-conformist girls in their place and to other those girls who dare call out behaviors or express their own individuality.

2:00 this, when you realize what you are doing and why, it hurts

need to get a limiter or compressor on the audio; it's really quiet.

But Kendall jenner IS a pick me...she is one of the best examples of this

Imo patriarchy and capitalism causes pick me behaviour. Having to stand out from the crowd and be seen as special.

I love when women make videos complaining about other women for the choices they make

♥️

Being so quick to label does not help our society at all.

Pick Me includes a level of desperation not addressed in this video

Basically female version of simp

Possibly stems from her accepting that the Patriarchy is never going away and that to succeed in life and to become the best she could ever be she has to play the game and be the best loyal assistant to the biggest misogynists.

This is the one thing that makes me proud of myself. I used to be pick me girl so much. In my late teens, I was a bit on the alternative side and I remember making fun of other girls that were more into traditional feminine stuff. But then I realized, probably thanks to social media, that this behaviour is not right and if anything I should be supporting other women no matter what things they enjoy. It is amazing that we talk about these things because I can see that women from older generations are still in this vicious circle of hating other women just for male validation.

Meredith said pick me, but she wasn’t a pick me girl >=[

This is a good video, but you don't explain what the movies you show here has to do with the pick me girl or NLOG trope. That wouldn't been really good to know.

Like whatever you want, your preferences aren't supposed even align together, just don't put other women or even other genders down to justify them. And that trait excludes the 'pick me community'

omg i just realised that i’m myself a pick me girl

2:42 🙄

Two words: Jennifer Lawrence

It important to also admit that women overly judgmental of each other even more then men are especially since being part of a group/unit is very important to us

It's really weird not liking "feminine" things and not being seen as a pick me, really

It’s fine to not like makeup and girly things as long as you don’t shame others that do

Where's the lie at "2:44"? Being friends with men brings with it a specific set of problems of course but if one were to be a victim of typical woman things, what's wrong in pointing it out?

Okay but that Kendall video is very pick me

I don’t agree with your use of "Internalized Misogyny." It’s a lazy attempt to discredit women with traditional ideologies and political viewpoints. The problem with modern day feminism is that every woman has a voice until that voice goes against typical liberal status quo. Then suddenly she’s a “pick me girl” doing it all for the validation and attention of men. It’s easier to discredit women who have sound mind enough to think for themselves than to actually address them. A woman who is happy and content with being a mother and housewife does not make her worthy of progressive scrutiny and scoffing at women for having moral family values is not true feminism.

Let’s not forget the fact that the term “pick me” came from AAVE (African American Vernacular English). Many terms that enter the zeitgeist are borne from Black culture, but these words and phrases are rarely attributed to the source.

“Internalized misogyny”? 🤦🏼‍♂️ oh dear gawd

And yet you have a channel like The Take who just dropped a video admitting women love chaos and should embrace living a chaotic existence. The comment section is filled with women screaming HELL YEAH CHAOS!!! Now, what about all of the women who hate chaos and cannot stand being around these chaotic sh** starters? Are you seriously going to say that it's misogynistic to call out this foolishness? Nah. Calling out these head cases isn't sexism, it's common sense. Most of the time when women are insulting other women it's because of bs rhetoric like what The Take spews - a bunch of harmful messages aimed at keeping men and women in this ridiculous gender war. There are many women who are fed up with it and hold other women accountable for their love of drama and anarchy.

Misogyny blah blah patriarchy. She just doesn’t like the negative aspects of femininity being exposed.

Ugh the boy is mine…shan’t be tainted

5:18 and are beautiful.

Is this what used to be called ‘daddy issues’ (cringe) now? Or am I totally off? Neat video 👍

yes to everything in this video, but candle jenner is a pick me girl.

What the heck is misogyny?

I think this is just being conflated with people just critisizing women these days aswell. The holy grail that is never allowed to be criticized, the fact is women in general have been demonizing men for awhile now and there is a reason 2/3 of men in the last two generations are virgins. You shouldn't be accused of "internalized misogyny" for critisizing women, no group should be immune to critisizm, but I'm sure some women like this exist for these reasons, a lot of women like to be submissive, and you talk about demonizing feminine traits, but you're doing that here, these are feminine traits, just like men compete with other men and try to dominate other men, those are masculine traits. But I see a lot of the examples you give could also just be women being pissed at other women for being assholes, I am, and I'm fucking asexual, and tbh mne are kind of a pain in the ass too, but I give em both fair criticizm. So don't know if you've been paying attention the last 2 decades, but men have been put in the toilet in the social hierarchy, if you don't see that, it's because of a lust for ever greater rights over your fellow man, not legitimate oppressio. These women are doing this, not because of any pressure, but simply because they want to, they want to support their men and they want men to be men again because that's what they want, with all this being said, unique individuals exist for both sexes, and should be able to do and be as you wish. But this is not caused by social pressure, this is a REACTION from women that are sick of other women not letting them be women, and not letting men be men, in an effort to allow freedom for the abberant and strange (and I'm more abberant and strange than you all) you've not noticed the demonization and attempted enslavement of those who are the standard.