It never works with Avoidants. Let them run away. Choose those who choose you!

Personally i think its all about the high, the drama and the distraction. They are addicts. They dont want to work on themselves. Avoidance.

I was madly in love with a DA, but left the relationship once I discovered my dog actually loved me more.

First of all Ken, thank you so much for this, this is so incredibly accurate. Avoidants are emotionally unavailable people, and they feel attracted to emotionally and/or physically unavailable people (long distance relationships). The moment they realize their partner is actually available, they run away. This happens because the availability of their partner exposes them to real commitment and intimacy, forces them to look inside, and therefore realize that they have a problem, and if there is something that the avoidant cannot stand, it is feeling like a problem or insufficient (usually childhood traumas). This is why they are addicted to chaos and inconsistency, it makes them feel "sparks" while consistency and commitment forces them to look at themselves, and makes them feel "caged", it forces them to analyze themselves and their conclusion will always be that they are not enough, that they will not be able to meet your expectations and that they are not really in love. It has nothing to do with you. The better you love them, the healthier you are, the more consistent… the more they want to run away. Self destructive behavior at its best, and obviously very destructive and traumatic for their partner too. Sending love to anyone going through this, i know it is devastating and takes a reeeally long time to heal.

It’s so chaotic and bewildering. But the discard was the WORST. . . 😢😢

this is the most underrated viedo ever. No flashy designs no cuts no bold titles, just a plain spontaneous live. Bro we need more like this.

Cycle: you start to feel they are pulling away, you ask about it, or ask any question, and they ghost you. Even though they pursued you like crazy. Not worth dealing with.

My ex was still communicating with her exes. When we broke up she asked if we could still be friends. I said absolutely not.

This is so validating. He committed for 11 years to an objectively much less attractive and healthy woman with whom he had what he described as a toxic and abusive relationship. She was jealous and possessive and had anger management issues. He told me she was the love of his life and that he doesn’t think he’ll ever have anything like that again. As I was lying in his bed with him after a long night of passion and connection and talking and laughing. He broke up with me when I asked for a commitment saying I’m the most beautiful, special person, that he couldn’t be more sexually attracted to me, that he loves and cares for me, that I take such good care of him, that he loves being with me and values our 15 year friendship so much …. but that he doesn’t feel what he’d need to feel to commit. He said he wishes he did but it’s just not there for him. He said that something is missing. The thing that’s missing is drama and chaos. I’ve done 15+ years of deep healing and therapy and I’m in a place of self love overflowing with love for others. That’s a nope for him. It’s textbook.

Already died once mentally because of an avoidant… there’s nothing that can shock me ever again ✌🏼 thankful for that

I'm sobbing. My guy broke it off with me twice. The first time he said it was "a feeling", and I asked why he didn't bring it up earlier so we could talk about it. He said, "And do what? Take things slower? I'm just trying to avoid worse heartache down the line." The second time, which feels more final, he actually had "reasons", which were so surface-level it was almost insulting. I am willing to be patient and work on my own expectations. It hurts he couldn't even try.

Mine didn't discard she just slow faded to the point of never seeing each other but for more than an hour maybe twice a month and complete fade out of communication. Threw in a brief thaw of a couple weeks and spent a night with me. Then fade out again. I called shenanigans and walked. It hurts yes but it hurts worse letting someone walk all over you. Remember that the person you fell in love with is not this walking dumpster fire. And unfortunately the dumpster fire is the real them.

The best on avoidant behavior, Ken! Thank you for the insight. Me:Straight Male w/DA woman for 2 1/2 years together and for the longest time I couldn't understand wtf. Sex stopped after a year and nitpicking started. More and more distance even though the relationship was good. She said I didn't like to do walks and she did, even though I never showed any dislike. Come to find out her mother was overly enmeshed during her childhood and her escapism was to sit in her room alone. I was secure and became anxious in the end. She ended up saying she couldn't meet my needs and lost feelings, yet said she loved me and cared for me deeply. Crazy making mind fuckery

I’ve been hosting an Attachment Style support group for 9 months. Studying attachment theory for over a year. Kens content is so good. He breaks it down, makes very complex biological and psychological inner worlds of avoidants understandable. I also really appreciate his dedication to not villainize any style. Through my work with avoidant attachers I have developed a deep compassion. Their treatment of others is often experienced as cruel and disorienting, but nothing compares to living with themselves every single day. Thank you for your content about attachment. It’s important work.

No - its actually none of those reasons - different interests etc etc. Its sex. Purely sex. They either get it or they don’t. It’s the ONLY thing they need from a relationship. If they get it, they’re good. If they don’t, they’re not. That’s it, period.

Wish I knew abt this channel a few months ago. Would have saved myself so much pain.

The 'casual sex' thing is not always true. They may go the complete opposite and only have a few sexual partners and only in relationships. Holding off for a long time before having sex, despite having a high sex drive. Once they then go for it, and you, then it will likely be more sex than you can keep up with and some of the best you've had. (More trauma 😂)

My DA is definitely autistic, which amplifies all this stuff, and keeps me going back as I often excuse his behavior because he's autistic.

Exact words. She told me. 'i dont feel good emotionally when we are close" i prefer us being in distance and im looking forward with my plans for future. I feel scared and i dont know why. Im in love with you and i feel like this isnt going to work

The ultimate weird theory: Avoidants ARE needy!

I finally told my DA that you were afraid of commitment. Of course she denied everything, I was the problem for every single thing wrong in the relationship. She never apologized for something she did that she knew hurt me, I was always apologizing for HER behavior. Avoid the avoidant.

I was in a relationship with someone for almost two years, at the time I wasn't aware she was avoidant but the signs were there. She would say things such as "I don't think I can be or live with anyone, I need a lot of alone time" "I'm afraid to get married with you because what if I abandon you like my mom did my dad, what if you resent me". Everything was fine then out of nowhere "I'm so confused about everything, im in my head and unsure about life, our relationship etc.". Asks for two weeks of space (which I gave her) then breaks up with me OVER THE PHONE saying "we are not compatible"..its been 8 months and havent heard a peep from here she just disappeared..

OMFG, I feel like u were taking to me!!! The best avoidant video ive seen yet!! Spot on!!! He seemed so confident yet selfish....Im an A/P & would react as it was so painful & he would run back to an ex/others for validation!! He said so many of the things that u mentioned.... 😢Cutting/traumatising!! Ghosted/discarded!! But could be the most beautiful man!! I've had to block him after to much. ......he wasn't overly into intimacy.....we are in our bloody late 50s......I couldn't understand how he could wear a mask for so many years.....it must be exhausting for him.....cause it was for me .....I couldn't trust him cause he was so secretive....wether he meant it or not!! He hated that I could see through him... Excruciating!!!

I have an anxious attachment, undoubtedly from my mother and I hate it! Seven months ago I fell for someone I've known for years after they showed serious interest in me. Then they disappeared, my only contact being through social media, however, when I reach out they're ghosting me and it's excruciatingly painful, I don't know how to break out of it. All I want is to be told there's nothing there but instead I get silence! 😢

Mine said, he wants to hook up with random people and is not currently ready for anything serious after asking me to be his girlfriend 6 months ago

You are so helpful. I can tell this must be your passion. My avoided traumatize me for the second time. My whole life is in world right now and you’re the closest to a therapist that I have. I’m looking for private therapy, but it seems everybody’s full.

Mine said it was his depression he was broke and weren’t ready for a relationship again but rebounded with someone else within 2 weeks of braking up

I am so impressed with your content and your delivery. Thank you! You are the best I’ve come across. I really love how you talk about the grieving I experienced after I was blindsided by a Severe D A I didn’t understand. I have been in therapy for 30 years and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. After he tried to break up with me 3 times. I was ready to give up. And decided I dodged a bullet. I believe he damaged me to the point all my progress in my mental health is going backwards and yes I want to get my progress back. I feel so damaged and my self esteem has taken a toll. Yes he told me he thought my body wasn’t what he admires. No man has ever said anything negative about my body. And I am at a point where I feel pretty good about my body. I wear size 6,8,10 American size. Depending on different designers.

In my case she was analyzing me, and saying you're this , your that, remembering every 'wrong' thing I said to her and eventually using these 'arguments' to end it. I could never talk to her because then she would get very mad immediately. She also could get unreasonable mad.

Communication issues is the main problem with an avoidant attacher

I went into therapy because of my DA. I have spent more money than I have to get to a point, after almost two years of this, where I am actually seriously considering leaving him. He goes back and forth between acting as if he deeply cares and believes we are in a long-term thing, and then suddenly just running. The loving periods are so addictive for me. It's taken me all this time to just get to where I'd rather be alone than deal with this yo-yo love. Your videos are helping me to step away. Thank you! Really, really thank you. I wish I had known about you the first time he ghosted me.

OMG this is all exactly the girl who dumped me and has stonewalled me when we were fantastic together. All great then one day when I insisted on paying for our groceries for a weekend away apparently threatening her independence. See some of you may say o should have let her pay if she wanted to, sure maybe I could have but I immediately proposed splitting the grocery bill which she rejected saying it was too difficult. Now that for me is a set up to disappoint her. She turned from that point and a week later I was stonewalled to this day. So sad communicating her feelings seems impossible. In what world is paying a bill a reason to break up.

Ken, you truly are a gift to all of us struggling with DAs/FAs. Thank you thank you thank you for your wisdom and deep insight. x

subscribed, with full admiration on how much understanding/knowledge you have on the topic ❤ from Beijing China

Hands down the best descriptor and talk about Avoidants I have ever heard. Accurate, totally relative and actual experience.

I saw his mask starting to slip

You are spot on with the emotional incest from a parent, my ex’s mother controlled his entire life, he’s 57 and she’s 86 and he has to be her emotional support every single day, and he is definitely a FA, and acts like his mom will always be #1

your videos are hidden gems for real

Very insightful. Thank you for this information

I am so grateful that I found your channel. It helped me big time!

suicidal despair and breathless longing

Surpressing vulnerability, because they feel shame I think, have to be in charge. I guess so, well I have been in both ends, so I can figure them a little out, smothering is a little scary, and change is a little scary too. I think so, perhaps there are no room to be as you are , at least they don't think so..

This is life saving for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your videos ❤

This is brilliant and spot on 👏👏 thank you Ken

VERY insightful. Thank you!!

Ken you nail it!

You are the best person on this topic I’ve ever listened to…..Thank you❤

Absolutely AMAZING CONTENT!!!❤❤❤❤❤

The grief question... I can't recall exactly what it said but it made me think of when I (DA) lost someone extremely dear to me and needed to grieve, but it happened to be when i had family staying with me. I basically made them leave because I HAD to be alone to grieve and could not deal with anything else, even when my family was nothing but supportive. It's that inability to rely on others- I only know how to self regulate. So when something very stressful happens, all of my emotional bandwidth is taken up and I simply have nothing left for anyone else, and I can't lean on them either, so I withdraw until I can recover a bit.

Good stuff, keep the details going. Details help. Help us know wee werent crazy. The part about over focusing on kids to hide from true things.

EXCELLENT REVIEW!! It's so painful. Jeez.

Avoidant here: towards the end I think that the person that said “being okay with thinking they were cheating”. I’m going to call this an easy out because it’s always a dealbreaker and it’s easier for them to get rid of you and let the other person think that because either will just part ways no matter what. If they already think of themselves as a terrible person then they want their significant other to think they are terrible at the same time in a shared “misery loves company” kind of way.

In working through my wounds from an avoidant, I've realised I have a lot of traits myself. Thank you for your videos, they've helped a lot! ❤️

My Husband left me in September and he says he wants a Divorce, My heart is broken. I would have NEVER hurt him.He was my Heart.he changed his phone number and has Ghosted me since September. He Blindsided me with all of this. I wish he would come home and just talk to me. He still pays the mortgage, power bill and pays for my grass guy. He also puts money in my bank account every week. I find it all so odd. He even sends care packages for my Dog!!

My ex avoidant would say you’re so outgoing that it gives me this uncomfortable feeling….But he said anyone else would love it

Thank you so very much for this video. It is extremely helpful and articulated and it will surely help me to be gentle with myself after breakup.💔

I so very much appreciate your clarification, wisdom & sharing! ❤ I respect these Avoidant types because they are Correct! Recently dating a man, Great connection 101 things in common, no sex yet, & he's up and Ghosted me. Although it had come as a Slap in the face saying to myself "I deserve Better than this", I'm Beyond Grateful this 🐓💩 Ran for the hills, because he has Spared Me of his " Monster 👹 self". If he can't "Hold Court" in elementary basic fun dating after 3 1/2 weeks, then how in the heck could he hold up in Real Life?! I'm Beyond Grateful he's let me know Not to WAIST my Time! Beyond Pathetic! Thank Heavens I've been Spared of this Looser!

This is just so incredibly accurate with some experiences I've had. I'm shocked just how spot on, down to the exact phrases. 💯

Thank you this has been so informative. I am anxious attachment style though there are several things you mentioned for avoidant I have those traits.

Thank you ❤

Great video!

Funny you mention that. My sister in law was very upset and was in such confusion and pain (bc we are close) and i shared your last video. Your videos help me further my loving detachment. I love him but i can’t love myself with him in my life. So he must go.

Truth!

It’s like you are using my life as an example.

True ❤

Thank you!!!

i know, it's okay. I accept who are u, everything is beautiful, there are no wrong ways to be, if i had one wish tho it'd be that'd you'd simply choose to be exactly who u are, always u x

"Why was my dismissive avoidant ex okay with (letting me) believe he was cheating when in actuality he was not seeing anyone at the time?" I think that is what the question at 52:07 is asking. My ex, a woman, did the same thing. They would rather avoid giving an answer either way. In my situation my ex would behave like I was right about her cheating, she just didn't care that I was hurt by it. Even though what I was saying wasn't happening at the time. I would call it crazy-making behavior on her part.

I can definitely detect my patience waning in life... I am filled with, and consumed with, rage and grief. I desperately want to die, I can no longer bear the darkness... I AM SO FUCKING exhausted and depressed. 44 years of hell and trauma, that's been my entire life, so far...

unresolved mother issues so true... I heard story from guy that his mother did not love him because he was from man she did not love.... he dont know now how to respect and love women and trying to control and use them, and feeling unloved when woman does not like or accept his behavior

My avoidant broke it off by saying he "doesn't have peace" and "we're at an impasse"...which came out of left field. He told me from day #1 he wanted to move to my state and marry me. Brought me to meet his family, friends, and church. We were planning a life together. And...he knew how hard a certain holiday is for me, and he chose THAT DAY to break up via email and text! Then he called me to reiterate his "lack of peace". He would literally FREEZE when we'd talk about or plan our future. He bought me a ring,, and oddly said "this ring is more of a reminder to myself that I love you"...WHAT???Until these videos I had no idea about Fearful Avoidant Attachments but he fits the description 100%.

I'm watching so much on Avoidant Attachment, and I'm concerned that I have it. Just dumped the love of my life due to alcoholism. But I just freaked out when I found out the details and ended things abruptly. Worked so hard to not freak out about things in relationships, but I did it anyway. 😢

I was told i trusted my friends and expected them to be there for me and they didnt want to do the same. DA said making friends was a consequence of having hobbies 🤷‍♂️

My ex from 27 yrs ago is 100% a dismissive avoidant. He is so avoidant he didnt even break up with me and I didnt break up with him... we just drifted apart. Now, we are friends, he claims "We never broke up so technically you're still mine" 😆 Oh my.... does he ever have a sense of humor. He does love me, he says "I screwed up, you're the one who got away" Yes, yes I am. I was so heartbroken after 1 year and 2 months of being in a Hot/Cold relatioship with him I moved away. Took me 2 years to finally feel like I could date someone again. Fast forward numerous years and he became addicted to methamphetamine 😢💔😬 I randomly saw him and he looked like a dead man walking. I didn't tell him this, I just accepted him for who he is... good/bad because I know randomly seeing him after nearly 23 years doesn't mean anything.

How about " I'm ready for marriage it will happen when it happens." So I asked..."have you just not met THE ONE?" He responded “i guess that's about the short of it“. When we first met 4 years ago he told me he told his mom I was the one. So now I'm like....😮wut

About the mommy issues: What's funny about the young guy (DA) I've been seeing is that - from the outside- it looks like he and his mom have a great relationship. Ive been wondering what could possibly be that childhood trauma that triggered him to be so avoidant. Then, with the video, it occurred to me. I am only 1 yr younger than his mom. So, it makes sense why he would project into me all of his mommy issues.

Could you do more on DA’s in long-term relationship break-up? My ex wanted closeness (to a certain extent) for 1,5 years - after that he exploded every time I tried to talk to him for another 1,5 years, and after living together for 8 months his lies about debt and previous relationships caught up and he shut down. We went to couple’s therapy when he suddenly moved out with one week notice. I’d like to know more about DA’s and these ”cracks in the facade”. It’s been two months since he left and you have no idea how much your videos are helping me.

Oh yeah - I got the "You are in love with the idea of me, I am not that." - after 22 years of marriage. 15 of it sexless.....Just living inside her head and behind her walls.

Ken, you're a full on bloke - had to stop this video and take a break 🙂 Only just found you and this is the 2nd vid of yours I have watched Excellent stuff and 90% spot on/relevant with what I've recently been through with my DA Ex

really excellent content thank you

is there something actually physically wrong with my brain? because the PTSD flashbacks are nonstop!!! and they are horrific and severe. and then there's the rumination and the obsession... the rage and the grief. is this just trauma? a nutritional deficiency? parasites? heavy metals? repression? I'm going crazy in despair. I can no longer bear this pain. the darkness and terror and panic engulf me.

Iam FA and never leave anyone. I get left ....

M currenlt dealing with this and I am really down. I need someone to talk.can some one please talk to me..I am loosing peace and getting anxious attacks everytime.

Can you talk about schizophrenia avoidance and why they might block your number.

What about avoiding sex… is it too intimate for them? I have seen esp. physical complaints like I just spring hurt my ankle, or I’m having stomach problems, or just “not now”… or only when they initiate… which is almost never. And I had to leave it was so weird. Give me a major blow to my self-esteem… which I know is BS

Yeah, several girls i know with bpd complain of chronic boredom. I could see it drives them insane.

So true about not being able to communicate. 😮 He has dyslexia and a d.d. which makes it worse. We were together for 22 years 😢

Now how crazy is that you want love and we give it to them and they tey everything to kill it.And you said they will tell you they don't like drama but will end up in a relationship like that see that is emotionally unstable. They are going to one day meet their match because you can't play around or keep hurting good people. I do believe that is why you hear of people snapping and we are shocked. Dismissive avodent until they do the work they need to stay the heck out of relationships before they pay the price which is karma.

My ex was avoidant but he seemed to not accept that he was I'll never forget when he suddenly broke up with me after a fun filled great weekend together when I asked why he was acting like this and not just communicate? he told me it was because he felt like I no longer found him attractive,even though there wasn't any indication of that lol also the classic I can't meet your needs or you can do better than me but never spoke on his thoughts or feelings with me he constantly made decisions without a conversation still to this day he doesn't believe he's an avoidant and doesn't need therapy or work on his self he has a lot of confidence in who he is but looks down on others who are emotionally intelligent which I hear is a common theme for avoidants too...his mom was also extremely needy and overbearing he was also a fan of red pill podcast like Andrew Tate and Kevin Samuels hit the nail right on the head..once again though he does not believe or think he's an avoidant even though he checks off on the list lol

Hey, how do you identify the difference between dealing with someone with insecure attachment and dealing with someone with a personality disorder? 🙏

Lollove 😊😂 I don't no 🚫 lol

Can you talk about porn addiction? And avoidances?

How do you feel about timing?? Let’s say someone with an anxious/secure attachment style starts dating a fearful avoidant who recently got out of a 9 yr relationship 6 months ago… we dated and she said she not ready for a relationship. Thoughts?

From watching hours of these type of vids I used to hope if I had known all this going in with my 'avoidant' - or maybe she is just a Sigma? it would have been different...? That hope diminishes

Is it abusive if your narcissistic boyfriend says you're an avoident because you push them away after the devalue stage?

I was committed to a serious relationship, he insisted on FWB for three years. Best compatibility I ever experienced. Long distance situationship. When I left, he said he never loved me. Was he telling the truth?

She reached out to me after 10 days of being ghosted. I was ready to move on and for some reason she reached out 6 in the morning asking to meet up🤔

Can you also discuss what happens when you break up with the avoidant in a secure manner? I never seem actually to get broken up with by avoidants. It's always me who is the "designated dumper".

Can someone link the video about avoidants and guilt?

At 52:00 I think her Grammer was off. I think she meant why was my ex ok with me thinking he was cheating when he was not. Mine does this with any issues I have, she does not reassure me if my thoughts are wrong. For example if I say It feels like you do not appreciate how I show up for you...she will usually deflect, change the subject, or ask another question instead of providing evidence she does or confirming my thought. Smh it's annoying.