Good on you guys for being able to work through these issues in a healthy way. Blessings for you and your husband!

i misread hubby as 'buddy' and i was gonna say he probably is more than a buddy at that point 😂

He should not get upset about that what an a zzhole

Married at 18(m) and 16(f). I guess kudos to that 🤷‍♀️

😂😂😂😂😂

🦀 🦀 🦀 🦀 😉 😏

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 #dead

Right?!😂

Had to hold herself back from jumping him right then and there 😳☠️

Please tell me if I am wrong because I am a man that actually sees that I am far from perfect and i guess this is my general view! I am spontaneous But when i think of desire I think of it as first, showing them through the day, " honey i love you" "i appreciate you" "i am here for you" "i want to listen" "i also want to validate through not giving advice and just asking what you need right now" Then also fun, and spontaneous by laughing and being nice to the other people around me. Reminding my wife it's not about if we did it but first addressing emotions, and being happy, then having fun, and at the end of the day or the beginning or whenever there is a time for intamacy doing that without expectations letting them know that overall in the relationship, and being there for them when all they wanna do that night is just lay down! By masaging and tickling their back, whispering to them how good your day was, playing in their hair, and telling them how connected, happy, and good you felt about the day. And that finally well you should tell them first while whispering you love them and that its ok, and you will make more time tomorrow to be intimate and say that there is no expectation and that you just wanna feel them and be emotionally and fully connected! Not being mad for not having sex, rather supporting them if they don't feel good, doing what helps, and then the next day if i feel overwhelming desire, asking for a hug, and to lay my head on their chest tell them i desire them and need their touch rn, and if they don't feel good that is totally ok! Having total control over my emotions, being able to manage them, create tension for love making, not sex. I don't wanna have sex. I wanna engulf my partner in what they desire. Most men take it personally, and think their partner dosen't want "it" but in reality women want " everything" more than men and i will explain! They want to be courted, loved, and held, and told it's ok, and have a space to relax after a friends night out! or even after, any activity where you have a lot of fun and then they get tired, so how do they want it more, becasue they want it ALL. Which is freaking awesome! They want a man they know will take care of them, want sex, and if they don't feel good, not feel rejected. Women are natrual at building tension and if you havn't built enough tension then you aren't trying my friends. I am just saying, find what they like and study them and then do those things and be good to them, they just wana know it's not all about sex, because foreplay is the love before the love making.. In some ways this is more satisfying than the random desires i used to have because whenever i feel that way now, i do someting to make them excited and then not expect sex, and sit back and just have fun with them and try to connect! tbh i think in these times where someone isn't arroused yet through the day it's because the man or woman has lost connection 1 or they havn't studdied their partner enough or cared enough to address them and put themselves in their shoes to see what you do to them 2 cause i am telling you that my wife can make me want sexy time any time and it's because i know she cares about me and she loves me and women need a lot more of that from men because we suck and giving that a lot of the time. The point is, women wanna do it all, fun times, sexy times, loving times, and happy times, but to get sexy times, they have to have the others just like they give you so make it a point to give all of those and be genuine with them. When you tell them in their ears after kissing them and being those other 3 all day in ways that make them go oh damn that was more than usual, or noticable at their level, when you say " I wanna put you down on this bed baby and give you all of me tonight....... gently and fully baby girl, I just love you and feel deeply connected with you" When she sees that it's real, you won't ever feel rejection again, because you realize it's not about when but it's all about communication and when you figure that out your problems will be solved.

@@Justinthepenguin no, you are not wrong. You are absolutly right. That's what the video tells!

Can I ask u if u watch pron and do it yourself or is that not how you work? Looking to undestand. Because it doesn’t make sense to me for someone to get hungry and make themselves a meal, and then never get hungry for what I have to offer up Can you help me undestand?

​@@Justinthepenguin 🎯💥May I ask your age bc that sounds so wise, objective & mature. After being w/ a man who doesn't seem to have much self-reflection, shows little emotion/affection nor empathy (perhaps due to fear of intimacy & connection or unhealed trust issues), communication is a struggle. I communicate, he holds everything in (despite years of love & trust deveIoped). Wish more men could be a willing, open & conscientious partner like your words convey. 🙌🏼🎉

Some of us are not lust based but heart based,,romantic and personal ,not grungy

And that's a fact for many. (It was researched.)

Explain. ​@@EdwinMaarleveld

I do the dishes and make dinner every night and I can guarantee it doesnt give you a chance. It just becomes *expected* of you.

@@hobomike6935 Not every woman

​@@hobomike6935welcome to a woman's world, lol

Oh, come on! Men always cater to women's feelings... "To the privileged, equality feels like oppression."

I’ve reached a point where I now realize that I am, by nature, a libido kill, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. You can check all the other boxes; provide, housework/errands, stay in shape, spend time with and have conversations with her-you can even make changes about yourself that bother her, such as stopping bad habits or developing good ones that she appreciates. but at the end of the day, no amount of commitment or trying something new can “win” her affection and desire; if you’re not attractive you’re not attractive, and she just doesn’t want you that way. Toys are an excellent fix for this because she can self-satisfy, and you don’t have to be involved and be a constant letdown in the bedroom (which can damage morale and the relationship.) It sucks to suck, but you can’t win every battle.

​@@hobomike6935I'm sorry, dude. I hope you find someone who values you for who you are, and not for what you give them. Everyone deserves that. You deserve that.

@hobomike6935 Dude, that is totally not true. I wasn't attracted to my husband at all when we first met. It was getting to know him more and more that I began to feel a stronger and stronger attraction. And to this day he has gained like 50 pounds since we got married but I STILL find him attractive because of who he is. Let's troubleshoot. Are you and/or your spouse watching porn? Porn is a number one killer of healthy intimacy and couples who watch it regularly often report less satisfaction than couples who don't watch it. Another thing, does she make you do most of the work around the house, providing income, fixing things, etc? And does she get mad if you try to ask her to help? If so, it's not a YOU problem. It's a her problem and you should try couples therapy together. If she won't do couples therapy, then know that you deserve better and that you should try to find someone else who will appreciate you like you appreciate them. One more thing (I'm pretty sure I don't have to say this but just incase) are you bathing regularly (like every day or every other day?) and do you wear deodorant and a good cologne? I don't know about every other woman out there but if my husband smells sweaty or is wearing a cologne I don't like, it's almost like an instant turn-off. Again, if you've really tried everything (look over that list I just typed) then you deserve better hon. You deserve someone who will love you no matter what you look like.

​@@hobomike6935please don't talk about yourself that way!!! I think the level of self awareness is great but don't be too hard on yourself.

Oh, no. You don't have to suppress anything. In fact, suppression isn't a solution, perhaps a temporary patch if anything. No, the solution to toxic behaviours is awareness and work, pushing them back can cause shame and bring forth a different set of problems, that's never the answer.

@alessia It starts with you becoming what you want to share with your partner. Hopefully, you want those things for yourself as well; to be happy and healthy both physically and mentally. Suppression is stress with nowhere to go.

Its very possible Alessia to build the communication skills to get to this place sooner than you think ;)

Lol therapists don't have all the answers we need. 😊

@@MandyGee000 I agree💯 But I must say, therapy is a great tool.❤️❤️

Because it’s a fool’s errand. There’s nothing you can “do” to make her feel more open to it, she’s just not going to give you a chance, ever. Forget it. That’s why it’s better to construct the relationship from the ground up where intimacy isn’t part of the relationship. You can love someone without being able to sexually attract them. It’s extremely difficult, but it can be done if you’re dedicated.

​@hobomike6935 It depends on a person. And it depends on their style of relationships too. I mean, if she is asexual, that's probably what would happen. No matter what, she doesn't feel sexual desire. It's different from other things. For me, whenever I feel like I am treated too much like a sex object without affection (no talking, no intimacy. Going seperate ways immediately after sex, ONLY interact affectionately to have sex --> I'd be turned off for a prolonged period of time) however, if I truly believey partner loves and cares for me deeply outside of sex, i genuinely wouldn't mind sex at all. I'm not gonna actively seeking for it though. Just saying this because a lot of people don't get that. And hey, nothing wrong with being asexual though!

And don't forget there are other factors to feeling arousal (same between guys and girls!) Stress., depression, resentment... feelings like those won't help!

​@poppermintee this all sounds very one sided. Why aren't the husband's desires ever considered until after all the criteria is met? For some reason, I don't think the one night stands that leave women as single mother's had to do any laundry beforehand. Jussayin

​@@peterharrell7305Do you want a relationship? Try treating that person like they are a breathing person with thoughts, feelings, and emotions. That's a relationship, not a wham bam.

Me too, Rofl

As a married man of 10+ years, I recommend this channel to anyone who dosen't understand how to manage a relationship and most of us don't lul. I asked a good friend of mine if he had ever looked up what a healthy relationship looks like i mean firends and all and when he said no i realized the issue.. it's about introducing the idea to those willing to learn and who want difference in their relationship. Those men who are unwilling have given up. And sometimes telling those men that you will give up or want to is what changes them.. We all love our partners (men) but what are we doing to better them? and ultimately to get rid of this baby mentality of deserving sex. I wish I had this channel 10 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. Most men have been severely abused by society, so come at them from the standpoint of this is what I want to try, and they may come around! No man ever wants to hear " I'm doing it to make you happy" or " I just wanted a normal relationship" or " I feel like giving up" I have heard all of these. and the fix for me was teaching that there are 0 and i mean abosluly 0 expectations for that, the only expectation i have is loyalty and trying to be loving and happy, and communicate lovingly and without yelling at all.. If you need to yell let me know and i'll grab a pillow for you. That is normal to me, loving and understanding, and communicating is the key to staying happy

Yep. It's "kinda" like living with a rock. One that comes to life behind closed doors to track in dirt, eat, sleep, poop and make a mess in general, without cleaning or picking up after themselves before turning back into stone & still mode. Afterall, rocks have magical cleaning fairies, whose sole purpose is to appear whenever their rock isn't home, to clean up all their mess so they can do it again the next day.

​​@@Justinthepenguin🎯💯 I have degrees in Ed & Psychology & also have been through enough relationships to know what is healthy & what isn't. Still single, never married - not that I'm opposed to it but want to be in a loving, committed relationship that's right before saying vows. (As a result I have no children either) Have found a few men w/ almost all the good characteristics yet issues interfered (like unmasked narcissism or avoidant traits). The main one is that they didn't want to put in any (or enough) effort, such as communication - esp solution-oriented but also the daily positive type that builds connection & closeness & PREVENTS conflict. When I was young their #1 goal was apparently physical, all about selfish desires & having fun. In 30's & up, where 9/10 single men are divorced, their goals are (still the above, and/or) kids, jobs, beer or other hobbies. Too many content w/ bachelorhood. So tired of men not seeing my true worth... Or if they do, sabotaging or running away bc they can't face/get help to heal commitment-phobic issues from the past. Why is unconditional love so complicated for some!!!??

Mmmm, I think not comparing them to useless rocks might be a good start. In all seriousness though I think there is a slant in Jimmy's content is because a LOT of it is him being critical of guy's behavior with portrayals like...this, where you never see the reverse. It's fun for women because they can laugh and relate at why guys suck but it's not as fun for guys to watch. Even in your comment it's not "how can people improve their relationships" it's "how can men evolve"? It's subtly putting the onus, responsibility, and fault for relationships working or not working on men as if it should be default assumed that women have nothing to work on/don't need to better themselves.

I'm sure like many things the fault is with both sides. Men are not paying attention and are to ego driven, and women aren't properly voicing the issue. Instead of just saying no I'm not in the mood or insert whatever excuse to avoid sex all the time, why not try to figure out why you're not and talk to your partner about it. Sure, a lot of men might get butt hurt, but that's better than no intimacy, which will lead to affairs and separation. Instead of saying men need to check out this channel (which I could agree with) why not say we need to personally talk to the men in our lives about this? Both sides need to communicate better.

It really sucks, I have problems in that thinking of sex can get me excited BUT the moment there's any actual action it's all gone in the snap of a finger and it just becomes a chore. I prolly have a lot of trauma from my last relationship, in the beginning I was okay with it always being about him but after like 5 years of it that way and sometimes crying in the bathroom afterwards wishing he gave af about me/my turn, I got tired of it it then became either forcing himself on me or he would cheat, and he couldn't understand why I felt uncomfortable with just him bringing it up. It's really traumatic and something that takes many years to go away.. (but he passed away back in 2019)

Completely agree!!

It would be nice to see!

​@@andreimircea2254nice to see what?

@@MandyGee000 This video but with the affection thing flipped.

Nature's way of telling you you've hit your limit - can't have more kids if you're too busy to make em 😅

Goddamn, I think having 4 kids would be an actual living hell for me (and no, not because of sex or a lack thereof). Not sure how people willingly choose that.

They willingly choose it out of love, generosity, and a self-sacrificial attitude toward their children.

@@josephmiller3672 I believe I can relate to those descriptors pretty well, doubly so in regards to my partner, though maybe less so that last one. I don't think it's fair to say that's all it is, because there's a subtle implication that people who don't want kids are less capable of those qualities. Sounds just as weird to me as saying people who are not really into dogs aren't as kind or loving.

At this point, it’s not a misunderstanding, you just flat-out can’t win.

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Trust me, when we realize we were wrong we all will listen, the last thing i want to fail is my wife.

You sound like a great guy, I hope things go well for you

Yup! Same here. It took forever and a lot of pain, but after trying everything else to increase my chances I learned that I’m just not desirable for intimacy.

Yeah, but the microwave always has to compromise. The oven never does.

Finding a healthy relationship is a struggle for everyone whether you are a man or woman, gay or straight, or anywhere outside and inbetween. It's not a gender or sexuality thing, it's just that people live very different lives and have many different experiences, perspectives, beliefs, understandings, goals, needs, wants, etc. So finding someone who is compatible enough for you to want to spend your finite life with, who you are willing to compromise with (because all relationships will have a level of compromise), and who wants the same with you can be very difficult. Not to mention we self sabotage ALL the time, we will have blind spots in our own behavior that affect us in ways we can't know that hinder our chances on finding/building romantic relationships. And since everyone else has those blind spots as well there are many cases where two people who might otherwise be a good fit just don't work out due to circumstance. Short answer, it's hard

Men and women need to understand each other and their needs more, which change from person to person and over time. Seek to understand yourself and make yourself the best version of you, and be open to listen and learn about individual men before you quickly commit to anyone or share yourself too deeply, good luck!!

Sorry to hear that this happened. Consent can never be obtained in some relationships, which is either caused by previous traumas such as your case, or just flat-out not being someone she desires. It puts serious strain and emotional damage on men. You have to learn to love the person without intimacy.

@@hobomike6935 thank u for this post,but I loved him and liked him without the intimacy,I just wanted to be with him forever,but the trauma he has caused me is significant.and one more thing,keeping boundaries with him made me understand his intentions,he is a narcissist and a misogynist .now that's just it.

@@tabbylove86 the previous comment was victim blaming you. Dt take it seriously. And about ur past experience, I am sorry this happened to you; the trash took itself out. And frankly, him saying that you are too strong of a woman is definitely the best compliment you could have gotten. It had all to do with you boundaries & the way you firmly asserted them. Dt let some1 who doesn’t care about respecting you, ruin that great attitude of yours. Wish you success in your healing journey, and remember that a good man will never try to shame you for your past or guilt trip you into intimacy. You loved him enough; he just was not the one deserving of your love. 🩷

Wow the part about not having to ask/get consent every time and that it should just happen organically really hit home. Been thinking for a while now that I need to break up with him because we're incompatible and he's caused me too much pain to be able to trust him and feel safe.

@@anemptyspace I feel you sis,my ex is a narcissistic person and keeping distance from him has protected me from insanity .consent is important for any sexual , intimate relationship,even friends should need consent for everything.that organic intimacy comes after very long time of living together,if only you become comfortable with that, and even after that if you don't like something what your partner does,it comes under abuse .as a sexual assault survivor I can guarantee you that.as for the previous comment,yes it's victim blaming,but the thing is I have been in trauma bond these many days and I couldn't find a way to break free.now I know everything Andi will take a stand

I think so!

I'd ask if there was anything leading up to the "spontaneous" side that maybe you didn't think would give you a response, but surprisingly did. It could be that, too. Or you could be both. Too little info to say for certainty. Either way, I think the latter part just happens. It's no one's fault. People just aren't in the mood sometimes. Hopefully, you have a partner that respects those times and vice-versa.

Spontaneous or Responsive desire describes a type of desire, not a type of person. It's not a back and white definition but a spectrum that people lean more one way or the other, but even that can fluctuate.