Your body begs to differ.

March twentysixes: I could've told you that. Without all the scientific explaination.

Nice, you hit alll the buzzwords !

They sort of do, though.

Same happens with men.

#metoo

Thanks for sharing your story. Not enough men talk about this kind of thing.

thanks for sharing this. women can be perpetrators of this phenomenon as well, and since male arousal is so much more external, it's easier to notice it and therefore use it. women definitely experience a lot more coercion, but that doesn't mean we should ignore that men do as well.

Bravo, sir!

I am so sorry you had that experience. You probably know this already but just in case nobody has told you this because you have a penis and people with those "never get abused", what you experienced is a special blend of sexual harassment and gaslighting and it takes some getting over. I hope you can be kind to yourself about it now.

Indeed! I know. It happened the same to me 🌻

I care that this happened to both of byou and see your strength in sharing your experience.

I suspect the vast majority of law enforcement already gets this since they have to be educated. The problem isnt the law professionals in the court, it's the 12 people who make the ultimate decision that don't understand this. Not sayin law enforcement doesn't have bad apples though. But your first suggestion absolutely should be taught in high schools. Instead we get half assed attempts by teachers who are terrified of being accused of something by parents, kids who have utterly no discipline, and parents who can't be bothered.

Exactly.

This just makes it easier to charge men with rape because it then becomes easier to argue you never gave consent. "Sure I was yelling yeah give it to me baby, but that was just my physiological reaction, I did not actually want it." A video like this would also be biasing the jury towards the accuser's side. Keep in mind that it is the accused who is at risk of having their lives ruined, and accusers will do whatever they can to compel others, including covering up their own mistakes and intentions. In many cases, by this more ambiguous standard, neither side gave proper consent, but who do you think people are going to believe: the man or the woman? Who do you think is more likely to be thrown in jail? If anyone, this video should be shown to Joe Biden.

@Start Quest A girl may desire one thing because she's aroused, but simultaneously desire another because she is embarrassed. How then do you define what is desire? When a person has conflicting emotions, how do you choose which emotion reflects that person's true emotions and which do not, if at all? Bias? In the court of law, yes, that's what seems to happen because a girl does not want to admit she had desires, so she will argue she had no desire at all and it was straight up rape without consent. See how that works? How you feel about a past event now affects what you claim about your desires then. If there is any grey area, one can tip the claim to the more convenient story. Heck, girls do complete 180s even when there was no grey area to begin with. Take Julian Assange for example. They couldn't charge him for publishing the stories so the switched the charge to hacking (which they have yet to prove). Why? Because the latter charge does not have a legal defense, allowing his arrest to be made. This is how persecution and the legal system works. People accuse crimes more severe than what occurred just to get the police on you and trap you in the first place. The police doesn't need proof before going after you, just a phone call and a good sob story and convincing drama. You are already penalized before any judicial decision. Additionally, if more punishment is demanded, more punishment is pursued. Maximize the severity of the accusation and the punishment demanded, regardless of the accuracy or the reasonability. That's how you persecute someone. How do you protect a man whom becomes a victim of a false accusation given the worst case scenario? The line of reasoning promoted by this speaker only makes such a man more vulnerable.

And every politician.

Aaron Lustig it may be because she appears to be "syndromising" biological \ subconscious arousal in an attempt to separate desire from conscious intent, I.e. like a closeted homosexual who is in a state of denial where their conscious mind regards their arousal as unwanted. The knock on effect of this is a move away from a primal state of being in the moment, to a second hand detached state, like a kind of derealisation \ alienation from the body. This abstraction ushers in a kind of contractual basis for human relations - the app \ contract for consent and so forth - where interpersonal relations are mediated or held at a distance by some third party.

People coming in with preconceived notions about videos just to confirm their biases, nothing new under the sun. Don't spend too much time on the internet, you'll lose your mind.

celebritymurderparty So... following your logic asexuals don’t exist. Thanks. 👎

celebritymurderparty The point is if someone says no but their body say yes listen to that person and if their body says no but they say yes again listen to the person. It's really not that hard.

@@celebritymurderparty She explicitly mentioned the gray zone, where if consent was given earlier and everyone is happy, then further "contracts" aren't necessary. Just have fun. However if someone does say "no" or "I don't know" or "im not feeling it" maybe reconsider and keep communicating. Obviously in that case something isn't right. Essentially... stop conflating the solution to the problem. Making sure both parties listen and comprehend doesn't kill spontaneity and nothing needs to be said; so stop pretend like there are FBI at your door ready to pounce and instead realize no one cares as long as your not a coercive, go have fun! (if you're worried about being coercive. You probably are too coercive, because doing weird, even seemingly unsafe things is possible for consenting adults without worrying about a lack of consent, because we know how to communicate if need be.)

jesus christ take all of my likes, everybody needs to see this I often 'cry' (tear up, but without the redness and heat to the face of true crying) Before going to sleep, when i relax, i often wonder if i would be able to do that if i wasnt alone.... and for the tickling, it enrages me that just because i would maybe laugh people might think im having fun, when actually its painful...

Rozamunduszek I like being tickled sometimes. That is all

c'est la vegan that's beside the point. The thing is that lots of people don't like being tickled and yet people ignore their words and may ntains that their laughter "proves" that they like it despite of what they're saying.

Rozamunduszek Are there people who actually laugh when they're being tickled, despite that they are in agony? When I was a child, and an adult would pin me down and tickle me, I laughed until I reached a threshold. At that point I would resort to screaming, no more laughter. Not saying everyone is like me, just that it's hard to imagine someone laughing while experiencing suffering.

c'est la vegan yes, most people. I can't not laugh when I'm being tickled and there's absolutely no part of being tickled that I enjoy even slightly, laughing is as involuntary as sneezing or any other knee-jerk reaction.

I'm sorry you had to experience this conflit, and glad you now have the knolodge to deal with it in a healthy way.

I'm glad this gave you some insight. You can't control how you body responds to stimulus and I hope you are never ashamed or upset by something you now know you can't control. I actually freaked out and had to study up when my wife and I had our son and he would develop erections when she breast fed him, I didn't even know a baby was capable of doing so.

I'm sure you know this, but what you're experiencing is not uncommon. I'm so glad this helped you come to terms with it.

@Emily my mom admitted she felt that way once with one of my siblings and that my dad suggested she stop, I believe it is normal and you shouldn't feel guilty as it is a physiological response but maybe try again if you are comfortable and if not there is no shame in bottle feeding. My mom was able to continue breast feeding with no problem and that wasn't even her first baby it was her third.

It's such a great time we live in where we can talk about these things so that there is less suffering in the world. I'm grateful for the Emily's that want to discuss things we avoid or don't know how to or who with. I hope you continue to forgive yourself, and continue not to punish yourself because you didn't do anything wrong. You are not at fault.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened, you are very strong for speaking up about this and I hope that you are doing better! 😊

I am so sorry to hear this. Your vagina responded to protect itself from the process. you should be proud of yourself cause u a fighter.

Don't feel ashamed. I want to know about this matter

@@helalmujahid7012 If you make comments like that you appear to be a sexu@l predator.

You responded in the only way your body could. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT.

it for sure goes both ways....a physical reaction to stimulus is never an indication of mental excitement or acceptance. Take a rectal exam for instance lol It is almost a cruel joke by nature that the male equivalent to the g spot is located where it is for us. However the point is even though mentally you are put off by it by having some dude with his finger up in you doing an exam, physically you still cannot help but respond to that stimulus make for an awkward moment. The penis says "ohhh somebody wants to play" while the brain says " abort mission!! abort mission!!"

I am under the belief that if this knowledge was more widely known, that we would find the 1 in 6 men statistic is actually closer to the 1 in 3 women statistic.

guitarman0365 thats a great example.

Many men will admit that they have little control over their on/off switch down there. Morning wood is neither myth nor constrained to mornings.

It's related to low blood-pressure i believe... not even close to stimulus.

That's not scientific! to be scientific it has to be measured with instrumentations under controlled environment and have the data then compared and analyzed. please stop dragging the science into your politics.

Theodoяe Kяap Well actually Emily is a scientist and she stated scientific facts and I didn't say anything about my politics.

Shouldn't EVERYONE drag science into their politics? It's the other way around that's bad.

That's not scientific! to be scientific it has to be measured with instrumentations under controlled environment Ideally yes, but for many sciences including Geology, Astronomy, Sociology and Psychology; it isn't always possible to construct controlled environments around your experiments. Thus, we rely on surveys, interviews, questionares,

I'm sure this has been measured with instruments. It would at least be rather easy to do. Measure penis blood flow while performing an fMRI of the brain and find suitable trigger. Sorry, I just had to drag some science into this.

reptilebrain Yeah, I’ve had the same problem. It’s really nice having something like this that helps validate being ace.

Umm

K

Wow I didn’t think of it like that!

What's asexual?

*their

Indeed.

:)

Obviously you have never spoken to a woman. The words of a woman are often not related at all to how she feels. She will say one thing and then get upset with you when you listen to her words instead of what she means.

Troll Guy obviously you've never had a normal conversation with a woman. It's only specifically when we're upset that we might say "we're fine" when we're not. Who wants to spill the details of how we got broken up with or our mental state to someone we're not actually close to? During any other situation or scenario we're not going to say the opposite of what we mean. I'm very convinced you've never had a close female friend in your life.

jeff milligan all western countries do you'll be glad to hear

Untrue. For example, in England men can not be raped according to law. And in the United States it is called "made to penetrate" and not categorized as rape.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_of_males#Prevalence

Wait, what? Is it true that there's no laws protecting men from rape from women? I know of cases where women were prosecuted for raping male children--are they only being prosecuted for statutory rape? If a woman rapes an adult man nothing can be done for the man?

Legal systems need to catch up and realize “rape culture” applies to everyone. Men shouldn’t have to feel ashamed because someone else took their choices away, nor should that woman be charged with anything less than a man would, were the roles reversed.

While I respect that you value science, inspiration comes from the creative, hopeful part of our mind, I think... based on science, but striving to always reach for more. Nothing wrong with that. Inspiration is ALWAYS welcome here.

It's literally made of science! \o/

CatherineZ, if you had not written this fine post of yours I would have said the same thing, but not as well as you.

What are you talking about you don't want to see inspirational stuff ted isn't about one thing or another it is about the spreading and acceptance of knowledge to decide that only one type of ted talk is the right type of ted talk is dumb and kind of short sighted.

So the man who spoke about his sexual abuse as a child that inspired other men to talk about their own sexual abuse had no merit here? Many men were commenting how much they appreciated it. As a medical professional I have a passion for science. But EVERYONE needs inspiration as much as scientific data. You do realize all scientific data started as some form of inspiration.

Where The Magic Happens That’s a really powerful story, thank you so much for telling it. Stories like this always make me wonder how many more like it are hidden because the truth never came out, sadly.

The Squished TONS

I have always felt awkward about what I call the hugging thing. I don't mind shaking hands with a guy, but I only hug my significant other or a close family member like an uncle. And I'm leery of even hugging a close female friend because I would feel so weird about it if I found out later that she's gay.

Thank you Where the magic happens for your well-told important story with nuanced details. I'm a male who's had a couple female-threatening situations: one was my housemate's gf who refused to leave the house with her bf gone and clearly was after me--i had to plead with her friends to drag her out; the other was far more threatening where a friend's sister got into bed with me after lights were out and i thrashed around to get her out. She never forgave me for turning her down--i had also declined to go to bed with her before turning in--and she manipulated a situation with my best friend of 30+ years, her brother, to wreck our friendship. He has since died and i still grieve for him 5 years later.

If males didn't promote and flaunt their sexuality so much, they wouldn't be giving off such messages in the first place.

She lacked a bit of confidence and didn't have a very good comedic timing. I liked the talk, though. It got a bit cringy when she tried to joke.

That's just the way that the audio is recorded. It's the same way for a bunch of TED talks

Carlos is right. if you listen carefully you can hear them reacting.

I disagree that she lacked the confidence or timing. I'm more inclined to believe it was a technical issue that made it seem that way.

the mic picks up on the speaker more than the audience while they're talking. It happens all the time in ted talks and it's not unusual to think no one is laughing

You're so strong, thank you for speaking up and telling your story ❤ As this ted talk changed your life, your story may have changed someone's life too

CAP

93parasol yes,It is possible and happens a lot.

Happens to me too. You can decondition that response. It takes time and patience and mindfulness. I used to have a panic attacks from sexual touch. Now that almost never happens and I enjoy it. It also took therapy for me to get to this point though.

This is a nine month old comment, but just chiming in to say that there are many avenues to pursue therapy for this, or for finding a compassionate practice with yourself. You deserve to feel good

Hello, I'm here to say that this has happened to me before, on and off for several years following a sexual assault incident. This also happened to me for hormonal reasons during my later months of pregnancy and into nearly two years of nursing.

Yep

One more like guys... Also my personal mantra, "With enough lube, anything is possible."

Thank you, lube. Thank you.

Problem is, she usually does not like where the lube thingy might lead at ...

What kind of lube

I think that it's more than 1 in 6 men. You didn't include male responses enough, and the fact that a man/guy/boy can get an erection, even if they totally despise the female/person that they are in the company of. Even moreso than the woman that becomes wet, if a guy develops an erection, it is assumed that he definitely "wants it". Also, no matter how much times have changed, most guys do not want to be shamed by the accusation, "What? Are you gay or something?"

GG it was pretty clear they were referring to sexual assault.

I feel sad to see people using language like "wtf" to someone who is courageous enough to share that they are survivors of a traumatic experience. We all need to learn virtues like "empathy" and "compassion" and be gentle with our expressions.

People are being so disrespectful but know that that is out of their own stupidity and ignorance. You are strong, brave, resilient and loved and don't let these trolls change that. Keep talking about this and raising awareness, you're doing great!

I feel cringy reading and writing to a person who uses derogatory nd insensitive words like "SJW freak shows" and "wtf" and "did she get raped".

I believe we must stay open minded and hearted with gentleness when somebody shars any experience that dishonoured or violated them. Whether we understand and agree with them or not. It is not our job to judge or condemn them.

only talk...nothing more...weeeeaaaak

That's actually a problem, she completly disconnect will and pleasure. Your case is something completly ignored : you can have pleasure, even if you were raped. That's taboo because it's likely to be used as an argument that there is no rape. Rape is about consent, not the consequences, on legal term. What you feel during that is actually irrelevant. To make an analogy, if a try to kill a man, that he survives, and meet his future wife at the hospital, that doesn't make my crime less horrible. Because i'm not judge on the consequences but the act itself. if i'm traumatized or not is not the matter. If the person has done that, it could be doing the same thing to other people, that will suffer. And that's what the law and order is suppose to do, to prevent further crimes. Some victims DO enjoy it, and that doesn't make it less of a crime. We are full of contradiction, and different cravings and likes. We are plural. I can want to have sexe with a person because i'm attracted, and at the same time to not want it for other reasons (i'm married etc...). Consent is about personnal approval. Fights between positives and negatives aspect of one thing. If the positive wins, we go for it, if the negative does, we don't. The worst when it happens as a kid, is you don't have the moral barriers that you have later in life. You tend to judge your behavior as a child with your grown up eyes. And that complicate things. I totally connect with the guilt of having pleasure during an act where you're not "suppose to". That's one of the most important question that is rarely evoked, sadly. Often, the term used is "you should not feel guilty", but eluding the question of why, we can be guilty. There is not one guilt, and to consider that's it's a matter of rape culture (wich is a bs expression), it a parallogism that avoid the real questions about that subject.

@@Kupperdurden Calling what I felt as a child as feeling pleasure from my father's assaults is wrong. The physical response is TORTURE when everything inside is screaming no but there's nothing you can do to stop it. You clearly still don't understand.

@@cynthiacampbell7277 You were the one that posted the original story? Even so, my argument just stay the same, even if it don't apply to you. i'm talking about one particular case (which exist), i'm not generalizing every situation to be like this one.

@@Kupperdurden "Enjoying it" should be phrased carefully. You might feel physical pleasure while *hating* the experience internally. On the flip side...you might actually actually enjoy it, while not realizing what it is (usually in the cases of pedophiles preying on children).

@@bigbluebuttonman1137 And i didn't say otherwise. I was expressing the fact that we can enjoy something on certain levels, and hate it on others. Sorry if i misused the verb to enjoy, english not being my original language.

That's the only part I didn't like. I don't think my mouth would water at seeing a wormy apple. Her premise is correct, I just think she needed a better analogy.

TL;DW*

@BTIsaac MRAs believe men can get raped by women and would use the same assertion in court.

If males didn't promote and flaunt their sexuality so much, they wouldn't be giving off such messages in the first place.

@@stephaniejade7056 Hey, that's a bit uncalled for. It's like saying if women didn't wear skimpy outfits, then they wouldn't be raped. It is never okay to say that someone deserved tobe misunderstood.

@@sturdyfrog3931 ignore her. She's a troll. You can see her comment under every other comment.

Yes, respect goes both ways.

Preach!

lol

I had to be taught, too, like five years ago, even though (or maybe because) when I grew up, I strove to be understanding, almost to a fault. When you learn to be a problem-solver all your life, and you are an introvert, it can be hard to deal with when you notice a lot of people don't make very fast decisions about their preferences and momentary choices. And if you care about those people and want to have an impact of them, and give them pleasure, you might wind up quick to start dismissing their word, because you notice their choices do not immediately grant them the satisfaction you could give them, if they made their choices right away. Then, in your urge to provide the peak of happiness, you try and start making the most efficient choices for them, foregoing subtlety and build-up. The only two pieces of knowledge it really takes to prevent yourself from doing that is that *1)* People don't owe you something just because it is less effort for them to provide than it is for you to procure [which should be painfully obvious, but entitlement is bred easily] and *2)* For human satisfaction, perfection is pointless. Everything above "desirable" is sufficient, and nothing more needs to be striven for. At best, you can choose to additionally add the endeavour because you enjoy the effort, independent of outcome.

Wow, thank you for that perspective and those final points.

@@TheHadMatters "Entitlement is bred easily." Amen to that.

well said

Anish Gole you mean, this is not relevant at all.

While the message is positive and interesting, it stinks of feminism - like a beached whale: drawing a curious and sympathetic audience, who are unaware of the noxious hot air that’s inflated the monster well beyond its original design.

It is incredibly relevant, and a great talk.

Clearly there are some guys here who thought this was a personal attack on them. Kinda like that song "You're so vain"... I gotta figure though, if you listen to a speech which clearly and explicitly covers male and female sexual non-concordance and conclude that it's somehow toxic and personally offensive to you and/or men in general, then you got some serious issues you need to work through.

100% agree Dustin

Someone Else why do you sometimes dislike TED talks? I'm here for discussion :)

Sometimes TED-X talks are a little questionable, but on the whole it's an important platform.

ted ed has much better talks than tedx, they’re two different channels

Melody Notmylastname I’d forgotten about that tea video lol thanks

Cookie Chocolatechip Here's a thought experiment for the men reading this. Imagine this happening but now imagine being a female whom because of biology and physiology would most likely be helpless if the perpetrator desided to employ physical force to gain compliance. It's a very scary thought.

chocomalk or hate after you watch it

As long as you give it a viewing you are entitled to your opinion.

...now i hate even more after i watched it....

There is context. People are overreacting, because they suspect her to be pushing an agenda. I think most people are more than happy to accept that arousal and/or biological reactions are not equivalent to consent, but are worried that she is using this to push a very specific agenda on consent.

1 in 3 women assaulted? Matt that's alot to swallow. That may be part of the reaction.

I think you misunderstand what I mean. Many commenters seem to be actively against the message presented here... that's what I meant by negatively. Of course it's a negative thing that people are assaulted, I get that. But that's not what I meant.

Matthew Peterson That's....a confusing position to hold. Lol fair enough.

Matthew Peterson why?

Thanks for this

That's well said, Allison.

Amen.

I appreciate

Are u trying to say that raping a man is worse than raping a woman????😟😟😟😟😟

Here's a thought experiment for the men reading this. Imagine this happening but now imagine being a female whom because of biology and physiology would most likely be helpless if the perpetrator desided to employ physical force to gain compliance. It's a very scary thought. Share this with your friends.

@@damiensouth1160 Will you PLEASE stop posting the same comment over and over. We get it. Ok?

READ MY LIPS! ...no wait, hang on...

...i bet they would tell you they dislike beeing chopped off with a knife.....

I think the problem is that she talks as "unwanted arousal" when she talking about a multitude of phenomena only through the lens of one thing, arousal non-concordance. It feels incomplete and some people don't understand a tedtalk of 8min doesn't give much time. She's talking about physiological responses, automated responses, cognitive dissonance, and somewhat skimming through the biological origins of what we call consent but not so much and using the wrong word in my opinion (want in this case) but she explains what she's talking about. And there are some who see a feminist and dislike without seeing the video. When audiences are low, nitpickers shine.

JPAnor up to the statistics around 11:32 I liked this talk. But I think that reality is less freighting in USA.

Gleb Strelets exactly the sexual assault stats she uses are extremely off in comparison to the FBI stats. Even when factoring in the unreported cases her facts are terribly inaccurate.

Damien South why don't you include the false rape accusations too?

annonym surfer because the FBI database has no information on false accusations only convictions. If I added false accusations her facts would be even further off. She's pulling her stats from a POLL done by the CDC that included "any contact you regret" which reported 1 in 5 women, she's stating 1 in 3. She's stretching stats that are already horribly off.

dudelolxp genuinely curious: why did you mention your gender in relation to the quality of the talk?

Society needs so much more of this.

because this TED talk was focused on female audience, duh. @@AvgJane19

and has nothing to do with the quality of the talk. is about personal enjoyment and education, since this talk was mostly focused on female audience.

I've seen 3 or 4 negative comments but for the most part an overall positive response. A few questioned her statistics which I think is fair.

writerconsidered yeah i understand questioning the stats, but i wouldnt call that hate really. Maybe there were some hate comments i only looked through like 30 comments.

There are a lot of annoying backhanded, "she's the right kind of feminist" posts tho.

Yuri92001 thats a positive comment.

Yes because there are regressive feminists who have taken over the movement. If left unchecked they will destroy feminism. She is a unicorn among feminists.

well said

Yourtube User please shut up

Maybe they could play the Ted talk