"3 days is a year and 1/2 to an anxious mind" THISSSSS. 😭

I always thought that the "If he wanted to, he would" was to temper all the excuses people would make for their partners consistently not putting in effort, not just the mistake of not being a mind reader

I feel like that the millennials (such as myself) were taught to view relationships through the lens of capitalism. Hypercompetitive, maximize "value", get yours screw everyone else. When successful relationships are cooperative, trusting, empathetic and so on. Down with the capitalist dating system!

The comfort that the intro music and opening and closing frames bring to me is unmatched. For just a moment I have my pre-Trump era level of calm back.

Gabe: sometimes ya gotta play people Also gabe: you shouldn't be adversaries, this isn't a game

Bad advice that I hear on a regular basis is “don’t go to sleep angry”. If you stay up late arguing this can cause a lot more issues than before, things like fatigue can amplify simple annoyances. Going to bed and resting can kind of cause a “reset” on a fight and refresh both people and allow time to process and maybe gain a new perspective.

The worst dating advice I heard when I was growing up was that "relationships are all about compromise." It was something that everybody said. So I took it on board as true. As an adult I recognise there is a certain amount of compromise that happens in all relationship, but no relationship should be ALL about compromise. If you're always having to compromise then you're probably not compatible. I'd have had a much happier and healthier time if the dating advice I'd been given hadn't set me up to think that reaching a compromise was more important than being happy. Looking back I wonder how much the fear of being single fuelled the attitudes I was encountering. The best dating advice I've ever been given was learn how to be happy on your own.

I've taken the "If he wanted to, he would" as a direct call-out to often heterosexual, cis men, claiming they have "no idea what their partner likes!" even after getting clued into it, or objectively being told their partner's desires. The amount of often straight women who make excuses for their boyfriends or SO's failing to step-up is pretty large from my experience. It also falls into the new phenomenon I'm seeing of women in their 20's not wanting to date at all these days, because it truly does feel like women invest a majority of the emotional (and sometimes physical as well) in their relationships. When you remove the societal pressure of being in a relationship, a lot of people are finding they are happier alone with their friends and communities.

Omg the 'our worst is something we should be striving to reduce over time' is so true, and that whole section! There's a huge difference between needing people to stand by you during hard times, and the people online who basically say that treating someone badly is part of their personality and therefore something others should accept.

The most sound romantic advice I’ve ever heard came from Sylvia Fine in The Nanny: the sex goes, passion goes, communication we never had, but food is forever. I take it to mean that finding someone you enjoy doing everyday things with is actually more conducive to long-term familiarity than the high highs or the low lows. Like sure, they’re great at sex or you bought a house together that one time or maybe they held your hand when you buried your first husband, but do you enjoy making and eating a meal with them? That’s the real question.

Very much appreciating Allison more frequently bringing up ROCD in videos about relationship advice. Most dating-related videos are very triggering, but never yours!

Gabe is crazy. Haha 🤣 The 3 weeks ago insta move is crazy.

My brother told me that when he asked our dad for dating advice my dad said he was too honest and had to lie more. He also said to not put things in writing otherwise woman can hold you accountable to what you said. We do not have contact with my dad anymore lol

also, Allison, that green looks *incredible* on you! really suits your high-contrast hair color and makes your cheeks bright! (at least in this lighting and/or filter?) the light gray from last week looked pretty darn good too, but this one is just next level! now i'm wondering how many other cool dark colors you would suit, like dark purple or maroon...

I think it's so interesting to hear Gabe (a writer to whom story is likely very valuable) talk about weighing the story of meeting someone so heavily. But also, people totally mentally rewrite those stories once it works out haha!

I guess it's not really advice but after I left my boyfriend of 7 years, a friend told me that the new person I was dating was a "distraction" and that I would go back to my ex eventually 🥰 We're not friends anymore and she was wrong.

re: the "if i'm too much, go find less," idk how people have been using it recently, but to me it always seemed like a positive way for people (and especially women) with not-super-traditional interests, lifestyles, or brains to affirm their right to want love and healthy relationships instead of the expectation that they would tamp down their extra color to fit their partner's preferences or society's mold of what they "should" be. if this saying is used to justify drama-seeking behavior, that's absolutely a problem, but i guess i've always imagined it as more of a "listen, if you date me, you're also signing up for a LOT of texting/outfits that look like a rainbow exploded on me/five hours of knitting discourse a week. i am aware that this is not everyone's cup of tea, but i want to find someone who enjoys these things about me, not just tolerates them, and after a lifetime of not fitting in i finally believe that this is possible, so if you say i'm too much for you, that's not gonna make me want to be less, it just reveals that we're incompatible, sorry bye"

Phantom is EXCLUSIVE couch show content. Please refrain from flash photography.

just wanted to say gabe's shirt choice is excellent. also great points made as always

I hate that "wanting attention" in dating and relationships is portrayed as a bad thing. Like, of course we want to give and receive attention from people we like!

I don’t think “if he wanted to he would” is to be applied to specific situations in a relationship. If you have a solid partner and they mess up once in a while, “if he wanted to he would” isn’t about that. It’s about consistency. The phrase also doesn’t suggest no communication. If you tell your partner that you like flowers on special occasions, and they NEVER do it, that’s an IHWTHW situation. It’s about looking inward and asking if you’re making excuses for them, while you sit in a relationship you’re unhappy with, pretending it’s ok.

I think (like you mentioned) a LOT of the dating advice out there is well intended but gets used to justify being shitty. And then it’s hard because at it’s core it’s not really bad advice but without like context and nuance it’s totally useless. Which honestly can be said for most advice lmao

I love the couch edition so much. Ty for bringing this back!

I'm nearly 35 and still haven't been in a "real" relationship. Haven't even been on a date in like 5 years. I'm open to it, but at this point it seems like it would be too hard to adjust to sharing time and space with someone else. I just kind of do what I want to do, when I want to do it. However, the amount of advice I've gotten over the years is terrible. I am constantly caught between "be yourself" and "why don't you try being more feminine/outgoing/vulnerable etc." It's so frustrating. "You have to put yourself out there!" at the same time as "Once you stop looking, that's when you find them." like wtf am I supposed to do? lolol

Please keep couch videos for a long time!

I get so scared commenting stuff. Lol. But the way you both listen to each other is so comforting and sweet to watch. I appreciate that from both of you.

Totally agree with what Gabe said about relationships not needing to be “challenging.” My husband and I have been together since high school (over a decade now), and it has honestly been such an easy relationship. Of course we’ll have disagreements, and hard issues where we need to support each other (for example, he has supported me through some health issues I’ve experienced over the past few years). And we have grown a lot together and help each other be the best we can be. But I have NEVER felt like I’ve had to “fight for the relationship,” or felt like he isn’t “pulling his weight.” We’ve always been a partnership and get through things together.

I love that the couch videos are back! Will be watching every single one.

I love that u guys r doing the couch show again it adds so much I couldn’t stand the podcast episodes

Being indifferent is something I struggle to understand. I would see dating advice that didn't coincide with how I am naturally as a person, which began to make me question whether I was desirable, masculine or mysterious enough for women to find attractive. It was a pleasant surprise when someone fell for me because of who I was, and it was so easy because all I had to do was be myself. I wondered if my shortcomings as of this writing were enough to deter them, and they weren't. I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic, and in my past relationships I was the one pouring my heart out and making it clear how I felt about those women. And now here is someone pouring their heart out for me, and saying the same things I've said to others before. It felt oh so good.

I love you both!!!!! And the way Fantom has been laying on Allison in the last few episodes omg! I drop everything to just watch him happily lounge ❤

We find your videos wholesome and helpful. Keep it up.

I love the “if I’m to much, go find less” because of the type of people that have used the “you are to much” with me, like directed to how passionate I am with the things I like.

Not necessarily advice, but hearing people say "you're such a great couple!" and letting that override the red flags you see and unhappiness you feel. Unrelated note- Gabe that shirt is 10/10 on you!

omg the bad advice of when you know you know GOT me. I don;t have anxiety or OCD but it just takes me a long time to be sure about something, and I fully almost didn't continue things with my now partner of 4 years because I didn't "know" for after the first summer. I wish someone told me if we were enjoying each other's company, that was enough (esp in college!)

This is my favorite advice video. It's so on point.

My parents told me off for wanting to date someone i find attractive as a kid, they said i shouldnt date people because im attracted to them i should only care about personality. So i dated a whole lot of crusty men, which all went terribly, until i finally re came out as a lesbian. I think dating someone you dont find physically repulsive is important.

Love seeing you guys together on the couch with Sugar and Phantom!!!! Also I'm gradually catching up with your podcast episodes and just saw the spelling of Alayna Joy's name was missing the "y". Not a big deal but figured mb you guys could change it 🌼

The thing about the origin story is really hitting home with me 😮

Great points! I feel like the "relationship being a game/battle" may in part come from media, specifically plot-driven romances of all kinds. It's easy to keep a love story entertaining for a couple of hours, but writers of long-form content rely too heavily on manufactured drama to keep things interesting. I think it may be influencing us to lean too heavily on conflict in our own relationships as some sort of "spice," which it shouldn't be.

Thanks for this clip. Really wholesome.

i’m a firm believe of “if he wanted to he would” because we (women especially) are taught to consistently give people the benefit of the doubt. “if he wanted to he would” cuts out so much of the bs!!

this was wonderful

This is great commentary.

the pups at 3:25 onwards is precious

love these shorter segments! sound improvements coming? 😅

omg Gabe talking about the origin story of relationship taking the helm as a reason this is "the one" is so real.

Everything you said about those phrases becoming excuses for your own terrible behavior and lack of self-improvement is SO true. But honestly what bothers me most about "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best" is that... I ALSO can't handle me at my worst! Worst Me™ fucking sucks, if I had the option of not dealing with her, I would take it!

If they know you want them to and can, they should.

“If I’m too much,go find less” is not the same as “if you can’t handle me at my worst…”

I'm listening to this for personal ERP! -A person with ROCD

I love this episode! A lot of "boundary" advice annoys me in that way. Of course, don't put up with bad behaviour, but also, everyone is human!

I like your shirt Gabe

I feel very connected to you all as I watch this from a couch with two sleeping dogs 😂

woah that origin story comment really got me, i think i maybe do that!?!?

Wel, at least we get confirmation that dating Gabe would be an absolute nightmare.

Stealing the not replying yet liking 3 weeks old picture from Gabe, which is exactly the last takeaway they want for us from this video!!! 🤣

Hey y'all, long-time watcher since buzzfeed. I'm nonbinary and have thought about getting top surgery since 2020. I've watched dozens of top surgery videos and have found them very helpful. If Gabe is comfortable, it'd be great to hear about his top surgery experience and how he felt about/his relationship with his chest pre and post-surgery. Also, how Gabe decided to start T. Much love from LA

Here's a question: How do you know when to back off when trying to see if the other person is interested in something romantic? There's a girl I like in my choir, and she's very kind and warm when we meet during rehearsals. Greets me with a big smile, touches my arm unprompted, compliments my singing, but whenever I suggest if she wants to hang out sometime she never has any time to do so. She's deep in her studies to become a teacher, so there's a big possibility she genuinely don't have time. I don't want to pester her if she's not interested, but it would be a bummer if nothing happened simply because I never "formally" asked her out.

I think all the worst dating advice is the type that assigns moral judgment on what might just be an incompatibility. Like I get it, when you're dumped or rejected you don't want to feel like there's something wrong with you, so the comfortable thing is to blame the other person for not being able to handle you or not deserving you. Your friends support you by saying you're so amazing, there's something wrong with anyone who rejects you. But it really feeds into this dating-as-power-struggle approach that's so unhealthy. Sometimes Person A at their worst is just not a good fit for Person B, or Person A wants things in a partner that don't come easily to Person B, and neither of them did anything wrong, but they're not a good match and shouldn't date.

so... would you say that phantom... is a menace...?

Oof the if you know you know one was good to hear

TIL Gabe is a goblin to date 😂 specifically re: "air of mystery"

"If I'm too much go find less" is not intended to be an insult and it for sure is not a "self own". It's literally just a fact. Some people are said to be too much for their partners and they can feel insecure about it. especially when their partner is one of the people that makes them feel like shit about their literal personality. and those partners should stop trying to force their partner into a smaller box but instead find someone that naturally fits into their preferred tiny box of personality.

I haven’t listened but I’m sure Gabe says go for it.

yeah and I hate with a lot of the channels that read reddit posts that they so encourage snap divorce decitions

Gabe is being a psycho with the whole liking a picture from three weeks ago and not responding to the text 😭

okay but how come we've heard you both extensively comment on The Bachelor but NEVER on Love Island !!!!!! hello !!!! i would love to hear thoughts xx ily

Haha no. We were not texting in the 90s

Agree with you both. It's become apparent that Dude bros are always the ones who give shitty dating advice. Especially on here, and on reddit.

You should answer: what is the worst dating advice you've given someone?

I Am Gabe dating 😅, keep Um on their toes 3:15

Gotta disagree with your stance the "go find less" quote. As a woman with a loud, opinionated personality, I take that quote as more of a "don't dull your sparkle" or "don't make yourself smaller" for anyone else kind of thing.

For me its when they pretend to be interested in something you are interested in but its all a ruse. You find out later on that they have been lying and you had no chance to assess who they are in reality because they are never honest (cis het men)

The worst dating advice I've heard is from purity culture. That your worth as a partner and as a person decreases if you are unpure/not a virgin. A lot of good things can be found in the church and in purity culture I'm sure, but I don't miss the shame

Allison still looks so yummy