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“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” -Abraham Lincoln

They teach this in US Marine Corps leadership training. They call it command voice and command presence. Has been very helpful for me ever since learning it.

"do you have anything beneficial to say? If no then don't talk." this is very very good.

I have experienced this - I say something I know is valuable, but I get ignored. I repeat it a few times and still get ignored - THEN, another person will repeat what I’ve just said, almost word for word, and everyone turns to them and says ‘That’s a great idea, let’s do this ’ and my idea - which I’ve just said out loud several times, is now credited to them. It’s so frustrating seeing your work be ignored, but then blatantly stolen and credited to another, RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE. I left the company after that happened six times, and I set up as self employed. I know this happens to other people, mostly women.

Tbh every time im in a group of people i notice im always talked over or interrupted. I use to rage over it, now i simply sit back and say nothing until my presence in the conversation is noticed to missing. If its not noticed i know what circle to leave.

I’m a student teacher and I think everything said here is applicable to the classroom too. Very helpful.

I was mentored from the start of my career by high-level Japanese factory managers. The basic philosophy was that leadership is responsible for providing the necessary and sufficient conditions for subordinates to succeed. And when they did not succeed (short of sabotage and blatantly disregarding rules/procedures, a rarity), then the leader must reflect on what conditions they did not sufficiently provide, and rectify the situation accordingly. To sum it up, the shit tended to roll uphill in the Japanese factories that I worked with.

At 7:10 you talk about setting up initial boundaries and not being people's friend, and then later you can relax. I learned this as a substitute teacher. I was given this advice before I started, but couldn't follow it for real at first, and would give in too soon. If I was soft during the first 15 minutes, the rest of the day would be a nightmare. If I was super strict during the first 15 minutes, even a little cranky, after that I could be buddies with the kids and things would go smooth. It was all about the first 15 minutes of my time with a class, and I watched the clock to make sure I didn't relax too soon. If I didn't set the standard then, it was almost impossible to get control at a later point no matter how angry and punishing I became. It was crazy to watch this in real time. I leaned to put off my morning cup of coffee till I was already at school so the kids could meet me when I had no tolerance for nonsense. Halfway through the day, I'd let them call me by me first name and could just relax. Sometimes I hated being a hardass during the first bit of class, but it was the key. Other substitute teachers gave me this advice, it took me a few weeks to figure out how to put it into action, since it way not my natural personality. But I learned from this that I could have control and be friends too, it was all about timing. Because of this experience, I try hard not to judge people by first impressions. It's challenging, but manipulative people instinctively know that if they make a good first impression they can screw around later and use it as a key manipulation tactic. I am now overly suspicious of people who make too good of a first impression. I was the opposite, I would get anxious and overwhelmed when I don't know people and often make a bad first impression and then work hard to show my worth. While I'd get verbal compliments on my performance and positive reviews, others would get promoted who were clearly doing less and there seems to be no way to undue that first impression. I want to see people for who they are, I've noticed how most people are fooled, even when later consistent evidence makes it so clear that someone is not who they pretended to be at first. I want to be the person who rewards good work and sees everyone for who they are, even if they are nervous or awkward, and isn't just going on impressions.

Oh man this is gold. The worst meetings are the ones asking questions on and on and on. It wastes others' time and can tell they are just talking to talk. She nailed it, is it VALUABLE? I have one coworker who does this and she is always late and THEN asks nonvaluable questions too🙄

'Contribution score' - that is very smart. Love that Steven

I love her !!!!!! She is a breath of fresh air. And I agree with the tone. Being petite and people think I’m meek I talk very assertively. So many annoying females at work who talk to just hear themselves.

One thing my mentor taught me a long time ago that worked well for me was this: focus on the people that respect you and the rest will follow eventually. I have found that to be true for me at least.

Funny thing is I came here to listen to Evy and hear more from Steven 😅

"I set the tone", this is how I handle my meetings. Love how she said it!

I love how confident Evy is and how she breaks down the communication ❤😊 God Bless

Every bloody time I vulnerably assert or speak up for myself I am met w aggression + gaslighting so naturally it makes gun shy about speaking again. I do not feel safe sharing bc most ppl choose to get defensive + turn the tables on you.

One thing that helps open up the voice so you project more is doing vocal trill exercises. It helps relax the jaw and warms up the vocal chords. Singers often use this technique. People don't often think about the necessity of vocal projection in ordinary life though, so many people neglect their voice outside of certain professions that utilize the voice.

My father loves to debate so I’ve had much practice speaking my mind respectfully and authoritatively

Contribution score nation is absolutely correct. Somebody can dominate the conversation and talk solid 90% of the time and captive the rooms attention… based on their high contribution score. Then others see this and mimic it… without the contribution score.

I find it thoughtful of her to ask the one who made the mistake if she did anything that impacted it.

This entire convo on both sides had a ton of value 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

You missed a great chance to address an even more pressing issue, one that afflicts most people, way more than a boss feeling disrespected by his subordinates: a subordinate feeling disrespected by his/her boss, which is much, much more tricky, but also very common. And considering that most people are not bosses, but subordinates, this is quite an issue. Perhaps because Stephen is a boss, he subliminally avoided the issue. He started to bring it up and then, turned it around to make it about the boss feeling disrespected. Most bosses are not like Evy, they blame others for their mistakes, disregard other people’s opinions, etc., etc. And because they have more power, they often abuse it.

I have to reconsider conflict and be comfortable doing that. It doesn’t need to get ugly. I’ve let so many things go that I shrunk and that’s not okay either. Things have changed since I’ve subtly begun to put in boundaries. Can’t wait to view the whole session

Thank *** I don't work in corporate! Validation seeking is damaging ! Use your instincts and do you!

I learned so many lessons always from your guests and yourself. One of them is to allow your guests to talk more. God bless you.

One of the best guests yet!

I think this also depends on the environment and people that you are surrounded with. If they are those who love to talk nonsense, they will tend to think you are too quiet or a loser if you don't speak. From my experience, most people in the office just love to talk. They respect those who have humor content, even however many lies or bullshit they hear they won't and don't want to realize it as long as they get entertained and companionship.

You are asking the wrong question. Instead of asking why your colleagues doesnt respect you. Ask yourself what boundaries you allowed them to cross in the first place. People DONT respect people that DONT respect themselves. You TEACH people, how you WANT to be treated.⚔️

"Contribution score" that's such an amazing concept, so real in life in general! Great conversation, thank you

What an exceptional talent. He's close to being one the best hosts on the the internet. Very estute and very thorough,in his line of questioning. I watched this channel 🪴. Congratulations on all of your success and guests should line up. Jordann Peterson I would love to see you two go at it.

There's tremendous value in waiting until you have something of undeniable value to contribute. Otherwise a person can fall in the trap of trying to be heard, which is a losing game. WANTING to be heard is more powerful.

She’s so humble yet powerful - appreciate her value always - great content 🙏🏼

So important she says to first address what we / I may have done to manifested action against me. Our universe is a cause and effect / duality system. Taking responsibility within first and foremost is where we will see the greatest change. For me slowing down and pausing to respond or “do” has helped see the bigger picture in the now moment.

Such brilliant advice!

Thanks to both of you🕊

That contribution score is real in almost every area of life, at home, at school, church, work, clique of friends..

So important in the work place at any level.

Every time I try to subscribe to Evy's channel, it pops up with this guy. She has so many great things to say, but his answers go on and on and about just him.

When you were talking about the low contribution score…a therapist told me that if you are scared to speak up in a meeting or group you should, because people will be curious about what you have to say, regardless of whether you’ve contributed before or not…in fact people are more interested to hear new voices than the same regular people blabbing on …but I agree, tone and delivery make a huge difference

Great conversation. I love listening to Evy.

Absolutely loved this. Thank you

Excellent

Wow,wow,needed this.Most people just jumble mumble,never listening to learn sth new.I listen to people,Thanks so much,❤❤❤❤Yesterday,3 women were interrupting each other😂😂😂Couldn’t follow them.I will watch the link you posted.Blessings

Brilliant - Evy❤ thank you

Such valuable lessons on communication and how to set proper boundaries for yourself

This was helpful.

This is cool to hear! Ive always been that quiet guy and ive noticed since a while back that when i speak, people listen because i only talk when i have something of value to share. Before noticing this pattern though, Ive always just thought it was a bad thing to not "small talk" or say something just because. Guess im awesome

Ground breaking stuff people tend to listen more to people who know what they are talking about about..you two serve a peace prize

Great points here that are how you can attack a problem while strengthening your team. I just had a similar meeting with a co-worker.

Love the idea of the “contribution score”

I believe also with having something important to say is learning to encourage others, bring out the best in people, lift people up with that commanding tone! Look at how someone like Tony Robbins does. He has a commanding voice and he's been a #1 motivational speaker forever. Look at great motivators and how they speak. When you learn to bring out the best in people they will respect you, PERIOD!

Thank U for sharing 🙏🏽🙏🏽

I always remember my first day with what would become my favourite high school teacher. That day he was an overly strict, authoritarian monster who demanded complete attention. He was never that way again, but he wanted to show everyone what he was capable of and why things were a lot better when you did the right thing.

Wow a good informative video. 🎉

Absolutely true about contribution track record. I sit in a lot of engineering meetings and this is how it works: for a real life problem, there is hardly a fix that jumps off the page. There might be multiple solutions proposed, all open to valid criticism and interpretation, and not much between them on quick glance. If you have a low contribution record, people will have a tendency to interpret against you. You are now in trouble, as you have to fend off twice the amount of 'concerns' from team members. You will avoid that by 1) speaking only when you have something sensible to say, and 2) formulate your thoughts clearly and unambiguously. It's not so much about peer recognition, as it is about your ability to sell your ideas with ease (your job may very well depend on it).

What a great segment 🎉 she is 💯 correct on all things

I love how she said make sure you are really being disrespected and it’s not just your ego cause someone pushed back! That is so good!! This is not dictatorship

In the most humblest and sincere tone: 1. Great topic 2. Good points 3. Considering the social constructs, these tips are highly effective, depending on the status of the individual (e.g., gender, sex, race, ethnicity, affiliations, access to realistic and especially effective recourse/backup etc.) Consider if this segment was not inclusive of a “White” woman, and a “Man” coupled with a powerful and established position. The dialogue, scenarios, and potential remedies (i.e., if any realistic remedies at all) causes for a different approach

The key is the perceived value and how you project it. During initial interactions, the primary objective is to evaluate the value of the other person, a process that typically demands time and knowledge about that person. Without sufficient knowledge, and aiming for maximum value with minimal effort, we often rely on the confidence of the other person to make our judgments. Confidence is crucial, but over time, your true value will inevitably become apparent.

Please display book covers so people can see, love the podcast thanku

As an educator we were taught to be strick with learners in the beginning of the year and more relaxed in the second semester. It is easier to relase control than to try and gain it. All about building habits and boundaries early, much harder to build later.

I have noticed if i eat meat and fat for breakfast - eggs. Get good sleep, exercise, then i dont even think in this manner. Its when im sleeping 5 hours a night, drinking coffee and being in a rush i get into a "frenzy, nervous mode" then that shows up in communication. The former i have to tone it back even, im too comfortable and might say a cuss word to say something out of pocket because again my body is pysiologically stable vs the latter which is the antithesis of that.

Always set boundaries at the beginning of a commited relationship just for yourelf respect 😊

I love this intelligent curious guy, so intresting, always!

This is what my mentor and my good friend (who works for some kind of intelligence) would say over again and again about "Speak Less", which meant "Speak only that which is necessary without any drivels"

Those are some good tips, advices, but as always, it all comes down to the enviroment. I have been called out on my last job for not speaking up during meetings, But i am one of those ppl that only open his mouth when i think i have something of value to say. so i've forced myself to say something anything just not to go unnoticed, but is really hard to say meaningless shit for me. I prefer to go silent.

I think when she brought up the point on why people think it's okay to disrespect you, I think it's not even about disrespecting you, they are doing it to themselves so it doesn't matter how many times you tell them to stop there going to keep on doing it. This is not a TV show or movie this is real life. People have reasons that communication can not solve at times you just have to let them go. they live a life of self-disrespect, why would you think? they would respect you?. -Jay Alexander

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.

My whole career I got pushed to talk when I should have stayed quiet. This is golden advice that everyone needs to hear. Stop giving the attention to the squeaky wheel and given attention where value is added.

Imagine being SECRET agent and appearing on every goddamn podcast lol everyone is so damn naive

I like the contribution score idea

100% agree people have contribution score.

We sow our seeds

❤ I subscribed your very good content video

Glad to hear this I called out a few people but I think it’s the way u do it I was too reactive but still flying exposed thecontent and attitude this person had a track record of making comments nothing to do with them- by association people assume power

6:55 this is a method most teachers apply in their classroom. First be strict, then slowly warm up to the students. They're more disciplined that way

Wow.. As a hard of hearing person.. I thought it was just me. How relieving in many ways. I need to learn much more in life and even how to set proper boundaries!

I used a firm tone and I got called aggressive at work. 😅

Yes when people do not say anything or speak up it is worse since the problem compounds into a bigger issue. The hard part is when others do not recognize this.

Being a beneficial contributor is learned. We can learn skills and transform our voice delivery to confident and valuable. We are what we think we are.

Point is personal conflicts are not controlled and calculated. It depends on intensity if reaction of opponent which is mostly unpredictable

I love when he gave the practical example, he paused to say “guy”. Got you! 😅

Totally agree 👍🏾

Steven, thousands and thousands meetings😂😂😂

To get respect you need to give respect !

I feel if you sit and only give valuable contributions you’ll be undervalued. There’s a huge misconception about ‘extroverts’ and ‘big personalities’ being positive. This translates into people thinking if they make the most noise they’ll be viewed as confident, self assured and able. The culture now (especially in the UK) is for this type of behaviour to be viewed positively. Most of those who get promoted behave in this way and they therefore promote those who behave likewise. Having a good technical knowledge isn’t enough, in fact it’s often viewed as a threat.

Anyone else click on this because of the pinky blinder dude n picture? I did! Loved him! LOL

Just like with my dog. I set boundaries from start we get together. 😊

This B is good 👍 keep up

That may sound pretty self gradsinnig but i never had that problem. Since i started worked people perceive me as very competent, which is kind of the reason i really like to work.

Speak to make yourself happy, not to impress others.

I feel like that only works in certain, rare situations, like in a meeting with group of elites or high performance people, but for the rest of us mortals, being mostly quiet makes you that weird, boring guy, while everyone loves to listen to people who talk for the sake of talking, even when you can clearly see they make up like 80% of stuff they say.

C'mon man, everybody deserves to be listened to. Its disrespectful if someone is trying to say something and ya'll dismiss it. They could have a disability aswell which is downright disrespectful

Depends who you are dealing with. There are people who speak quietly and articulate that I’d rather listen to than someone over projecting at me. That’s for sure. But think that is a difference in intellect.

This goes both ways depending on who you’re meeting with. My style is very command/contribution score. I don’t talk unless I have something valuable to contribute. If others in the meeting are savvy, I get noticed and my contributions, when they are made, come from a place of authority. However, certain people I’ve reported to (senior leaders, e.g. ceo) sometimes see me attend meetings and not talk and get upset for me being a useless meeting attendee. Because they don’t themselves recognise the contribution score metric. So you need to apply EQ and gauge how much contribution you need to make, even if sometimes you think it isn’t necessary.

everyone is former and current cia nowadays.... How effective is a spy agency if everyone says they are or were part of it?

No one deserves respect. You command and earn respect from those you work and surround yourself with.

Contribution score 👌

I run into the not saying something scenario sometimes. Like if a solution is 95% good but you see that it has some flaws…takes some mental energy to talk through the deficiencies with the person that created them.