How lucky are these girls. When I was growing up, my hardworking parents who worked 2-3 jobs each, sat me down and said “honey we can’t afford to pay for college so you need to get good grades so you can get a scholarship”. At that time, I was angry because thought my parents were trying to hurt me. Instead, I worked by butt off and got not 1 but 2 scholarships where I had my bachelors degree completely paid for and money left over. I’m super grateful for that experience, in a way, it forced me to grow up. I went on 2 years after getting my bachelors to getting my MBA paying for it on my own. I’m so proud of the woman I’m becoming.

The parent should have said, I will pay for your tuition and provide you room and board at home. If you choose to live on campus or anywhere other than home, YOU will have to find a way to fund that part while the parent still funds the tuition part. Otherwise, if they withdraw all help because the adult child moves out, they are really trying to prevent the child from moving out entirely, and that is their main goal.

This mom is completely right. She said here's the conditions for our help to all her kids. The kids can take it or leave it. To give a different deal to each kid is unfair and breeds resentment.

I feel like both the daughter and mom need this experience. Mom is projecting her fears and daughter needs a reality dose and opportunity to make mistakes

We live in the same area as the caller. Our daughters did the Running Start Program, they attended community college, for almost free, during their last two years on high school. They graduated high school with an AA degree. Then they both transferred local colleges. One lived at home & one got an apartment. We did not pay for the apartment, she worked, got a roommate & paid for it herself. Both graduated early with almost no debt. Both have good jobs. We have great schools in the Seattle/Tacoma area. There is no reason to spend more money than you have to for a quality education. When kids want to use the parents money, the parents get to make the rules. If the kids want something different, they can become adults & use their own money.

If you give in then the other kids will resent it. As a widowed mom I had to make some hard decisions with my youngest. I didn’t pay for his older siblings’ phones, car, etc so I kept the same rules. He had his needs met but not wants. He got a job at 16 and paid for his own car & phone. He is completely financially responsible.

You have to keep with your payment agreements. I told daughter I would pay for college ( divorced and dad gave nothing. I worked 6 days a week. She ended up with a 50 dollar loan a month after graduation. My rule was if I paid for college then upon her getting married it would be up to them to pay. I did pay for her dress. After 10 years a divorce. I am glad I stuck with my decision.

Proud of you Dr. John for sticking up for yourself at the end

My mother cried her eyes out when I told her I’m leaving for the Navy in 6 months. We were all living in my step fathers house and he was over the moon when I told him I’m leaving. He says good. Finally someone get you moving. If my mom had her own life and her own voice I probably would have never joined the military because it would have been so comfortable staying at home doing as a please

We gave our daughter each a college education in state. If they wanted to go elsewhere they could pay the difference first daughter went in state about 4 hours away . 2 nd daughter wanted to go out of state ( boyfriend). But changed her mind when she didn’t want to pay difference. 3 rd daughter had baby upon graduation but still went to a local community college and became RN at 21 . 4 th went to same local community college. Free ride due to class standings. Then went to local university and got her masters in speech pathology. They all did something a little different. But we decided our bottom line is we would only pay the amount of in state tuition . Worked well for us 😊

My daughter went to college on scholarships and I cash flowed the rest. Every bit of the income I earned went to pay for her college. I am extremely grateful to do this for her. She is now earning a good income, no loans, and driving a paid for, nice vehicle her grandparents had. I encourage her to invest her money and save because she is fortunate.

Mom’s actual goal here is to keep them at home. She could pay tuition only, no room and board, to any schools they want to attend. It would cost the same as tuition and living at home. Clearly her motivation is to keep them with her.

My mother wanted me to do the same thing...live at home rent-free and go to a local community College for the first 2 years. Only problem is that she wasn't offering to pay the tuition. That was still on me, so I chose to go my own way to the college of my choosing. So glad I did.

My parents sat me down and ran over the college budget: we'll fund this much per year. The choice of university and potential debt load was entirely up to me. And having grown up with parents who weren't controlling, I was happy to seek out their opinions on a lot of stuff that went into choosing a university. Sort of the opposite of this situation.

Teaching parents how to be better parents. I needed this. I have a 20-year-old in college right now.

Financially the mother is doing the right thing. She has to let her daughter fall on her face and learn her lesson. I have a feeling she’ll return home within six months. She sounds like a mom that really cares and probably spoils these girls.

I wish we could’ve heard John’s perspective more during this call. I love his input and knowledge.

Lady, let your kids grow up..I refuse to believe she just doesn’t want to pay for room and board.

As a dad of 5 for over 30 years, when my wife is talking to our adult kids, I just stand behind her and nod yes to everything she says! 😅

Bravo to this lady! I have 6 girls (7, 8, 9, 11,12, 18). 529 plans setup early w/ small regular contributions. My oldest just started college. She knew how much money she had and understood this was the best we could do. She made the decision to stay in state for the smart financial reason that her money would go farther. I think this is a priceless lesson and I am glad she understood. This lady is doing the right thing and needs to understand that everyone learns the lessons differently. My parents had no money for my education. I learned that loans suck and education is expensive. This lady learned that debt sucks and was trying to teach her kids that lesson. Some people learn the hard way. She did her best.

Wow. I was the oldest. I was the de facto parent for the younger siblings. Of course my parents were paying for school ONLY if I stayed home. They also claimed me on their taxes after I moved out so I couldn’t get aid. It was WORTH IT. We’re not hearing the whole story.

That “required to live on campus” and “required to be on the meal plan” is all an extra money grab for the universities.

This child is playing mom, and it is working. "I will pay for her groceries," "It pains me..." "She is taking loans." Great advice about dad; dad needs to have a heart to heart and lovingly repeat the rules and let her know that the rule will stand and why. This daughter may be the entitled outlier and kids like that tend to cause resentment with siblings that can spread to the rest of the family.

I moved out of home 3 months after high school graduation. My Dad always said he’s never paying for our college. He thought college was worthless. (This was 1963.) So I got a job and an apartment and never looked back. I realize it’s a different world today. But I gained independence and that, I think, is what is important. Live and learn.

Now that mother made this line, she must stand firm or it is not fair to her other children. And they would hold that against her and their sister forever.

My parents gave me the option to go to any school I want.. or take the scholarship I got in state.. so I sacrificed my college life to save my family money while they used my college savings to fund my brother's tuition. When I graduated they bought me a house as a gift- granted I pay the mortgage , and now I have 2 properties going on 3. And my older brother still rents. The irony is I'm the one who dealt with addiction and near drove my family apart before I got sober.

Lady. Stop blubbering. Let her go. She's a freakin adult

Oh my! Mom is struggling. My husband and I both paid for college ourselves. It was hard and expensive but we did it. It is a blessing when you have the aid.

Based on the conversation and what she did with other kids, parents should contribute to the State College the same amount that local state school cost. No more, no less.

The young lady is blessed that her parents can pay for school and live at home for free. Thankfully, I lived at home for free. As long as I worked or went to school, that was the rule. My parents helped when they could with school. But I worked 3 jobs and was a PT student to pay for school. In the end, I had no loans. I graduated but don't even use my degree. I work in accounting and make decent money. I moved out when I married. My now husband, too, lived with his parents and went to school. After we both graduated, we got married and had enough money for an inexpensive wedding and purchased a home with our savings. I guess the living at home isn't something weird in our hispanic culture. I was blessed to live with my parents for as long as I did. I love my parents a lot, and now, as an adult, I see why they let me live at home for free. If the young lady gets along with her parents, she should really think about staying at home. But to each there own.

My husband and I worked our way through college, our children and their spouses did the same, and now our grandchildren are working their way through college. No loans or debt upon graduation. We told our children the only thing we could contribute to their education was to let them live at home and not charge rent while they were actively going to school. We told them we were focusing on preparing for our retirement so we would never be a burden to them. All our children and grandchildren are financially successful and very responsible, plus they will never have to support us as we age.

You are doing the right thing. Do not co-sign any student loans. You are offering a college education that’s within your budget. What a good example you are setting.

My father set a hard rule for him to help pay for my university. I had to accept his new wife and turn my back on my mother. This was the woman he left his family for. I think it has been almost 2 decades since he and I last spoke. Set your rules but don't be surprised when you will no longer be part of her life or at a minimum damage that relationship.

Too late for this family because one daughter is already in college, but for others considering a similar path - if finances are the issue, consider committing to fund tuition only. That way your kids can choose to live at home and save room & board…. or they can can choose attend farther away and fund room & board themselves. BTW, parents getting too authoritarian in choosing what schools their kids attend can be a huge mistake. Part of growing up and becoming independent is selecting the school that is the best match for yourself. A kid at a school that is a bad match will likely backfire. Parents of four kids and while we offered our opinions on various schools, not once did we say you have to go to this school or we’re not helping to pay.

Parents are not obligated to pay for ANY of their kids college costs!

What would it cost you to pay for college if they live at home? Offer them that amount of money and let them figure it out. That's fair for everyone.

At least the daughter is making a good choice going from Tacoma to Pullman. Daughter, if you're reading this, I never had the option for paid school. I graduated from WSU with $34K in debt. I paid it off in two years after graduation. Work hard, network harder, and have a plan for when you graduate. I needed independence from my parents and it was the best choice for me. Listen to your gut whether that's UW Tacoma, PLU, Pierce, WSU, ect. and you'll be okay. Go Cougs!

Look, I rarely comment on things I find on KZfaq. But the bottom line is that is cheaper to live at home than it is to board. Just because somebody is your parents doesn’t mean that they’re made out of money! These kids are blessed that their parents can help them with their tuition. Many people just can’t afford to send their children to college. Especially when there are multiple kids.

My parents said college on my own. Got a full scholarship and left. Best thing for me. Not one dime of their money. Guess what? They had no say over my choices.

I don't agree with how they did this. If you saved for your children's tuition, you should just say they have X amount to spend on tuition and if they want to move away, they will have to cover those extra costs. Tying the help to living at home seems weird and controlling to me.

Thankfully our daughter was able to graduate from college with zero debt. We have also wanted to pay for our children’s college so the way we did that was we let her know that she can go to the local community college, which she did and we paid for in cash, then she went to the 4 year university and we used my military benefits to help pay for that. we couldn’t afford to pay for her college and her living expenses if she went away to college, while paying for our own expenses, so it was sacrifice for all of us. She moved a couple of months after graduating and we all have a fantastic relationship.

Why does she add that they have to live at home? Because she’s a control freak. That won’t change her entire life unless the daughter refuses to comply. Good for the daughter. Edit: Let’s not lose sight of the fact that if her daughter supports herself for a year before going to college then she is independent and will likely qualify for more help than the mom wants to give her anyways! 🤷🏻‍♂️

What a beautiful dad Dave is!!!! I respect the heck out of this man. Thank you Dave for sharing some of that "papa Dave" tough love with all of us! :) ❤

And that girl will be the most self sufficient one when it’s all said and done. Responsibility

Yikes wow mom sounds super controlling. Respecting your young college student is about negotiating with them. "We refuse to let them move out." and then upset because it feels so WRONG. Maybe because it is WRONG. If the kids want that experience how can you say yes? Does it mean they need a part time job or more scholarships? Why are you setting them up to submit or cut ties as the ONLY option? Ask yourself that.

Ironically she's going to force her kids to go get student loan debt to get away from mommy

We only have one child, so it is less for us, but I was happy to give my son the opportunity to live independently. I tried to encourage him to go to a school that was further away for the experience. He stayed on campus for me because I thought it was important. It lasted about a semester and a half. His school is less than 30 minutes away. He was home half the week so I didn't waste anymore money on it. This is his senior year and my husband and I are sure he's happy to work and live at home until he saves up for whatever step he decides to take. Probably because we try to guide him not control him. As long as he does well and continues to be respectful in our house, we don't bother him. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Yeah, I agree with others. Why not say you opted out of free room. We'll still help pay for tuition, but you're on your own for your room & board.

I feel like the other side of this is the child wants to get away from the family. As someone who took out loans because it was my only option to get away from a toxic family, I feel like the mom doesn't want her children to leave. I set the same rules for my daughter, but only for the first two years in a community school.

She could say “I’ll pay tuition only”

I love when you give updates on people. It would be so nice to find out about the people who follow your advice and the results. I don’t think the ppl who don’t follow up week would want to.

I've got a couple problems with this: 1. If Mom and Dad still have debt how can they cash flow college, especially when they have more than one in school at the same time? 2. Kids need to work summers full time & part time during the year. 3. Consider ROI. My son's close friend has a BS in history. He started working at Kroger while in school. Couldn't find a job using his degree so he kept working at Kroger. Pay is based upon seniority & because of how long he's worked there, he makes more than store manager. He really likes his job stocking shelves. A guy with an MFA works in the art section of our local Hobby Lobby. Nephew has MS from Cambridge. While he has a great job, he didn't need a degree to get it. 4. Kids shouldn't start college if they don't have a plan. Don't start until they know what they want to do. A college degree means zippo if they can't get a job using their degree. 5. College isn't for everyone. There are many open jobs in the trades. A welder can make more than someone with a MS in social work. Not sure if John's right about living on campus. The kids get together and party an awful lot.

Im 28, and just bought my first house. When I turned 18 I left my farthers home and never talked to him again. Remember parents it's a two way street, and its sad how many great kids hate their parents.

I have a 4 year degree, my parents didn't pay a dime. It was a former employer who helpbut I paid for most of it. These kids are sooo unappreciative

Mom is like if you stay home, you can go to the most expensive college, But if you Go to a state school where tuition, room, and board combined are cheaper than the nearby university, we just won't pay.

I disagree. Let your daughter experience college life on campus. Helicopter Mom is controlling her by making rules about staying at home. So sad. Don’t have kids if you can’t afford to send them to college.

Both the mother and Dave are being ridiculous here. The solution is simple: The mother can pay for her daughters college and the daughter can pay for the rent to live outside of the house. What the heck is wrong with that?

I would opt out too. Mom sounds very controlling. Why would she not give her tuition still. Also living at home at that age is lame. You got to get out there and learn and be around others.

Bad move. Pay for tuition then. Dont ask em for help when you’re 85

My parents paid half of college. My first two years of community college were on scholarships. My parents only had to pay for my books and transportation. (And me living at home) Once I transferred, I got a student loan, my parents still paid for half. They provided transportation for awhile even after I was married. I paid off the student loan myself.

I started investing when I was 40 mostly through sweat equity. I just turned 45 and this last month was the first time that my passive income broke $100,000 for the month. This is solid advice! DO IT

A lot of people are jumping to some pretty harsh conclusions based on a pretty short conversation here about the mom. the oldest daughter chose not to follow the rules and moved out on her own, the middle daughter chose to follow the rules and is living at home getting college for free. So this youngest daughter has seen both scenarios play out and is choosing the one she wants. That is what adults get to do.

If it’s in my heart to give, I give to others without conditions. I’m not a fan of using money to control adult children, but ultimately, it’s your money and you can do what you want with it. Is it worth possibly losing a relationship with your child? I don’t think so. I’d rather my child start their life without crippling college debt. She isn’t asking to bunk with her boyfriend, she just wants to be a grown up and live on campus.

We are a single low income household but my husband and I set up resps for our kids. By the time they go to college they will have 10k each for tuition. We know it’s not a lot but it is what we can do to help them start out their adult lives❤

Pay for school then. Not room and board. They can find a job or scholarship. Otherwise it just seems controlling and theyll grow up cutting contact.

All she has to do is say we can afford to pay this much per semester or year. Anything beyond that you have to figure out. And don't cosign anything, this kid will stick her with the loan 100% guaranteed.

That’s good parenting. My house my rules. If you don’t like YOU can leave.

What’s so bad about going off to college? I stayed home for college because I had no direction in life and I really wish I could’ve had the college experience. There’s nothing wrong with her daughter wanting to go live at college. Sounds like controlling parents to me.

Dave is way too harsh on these calls with parents. Maybe the kid wants to escape a control freak mom? Also, Dave telling her sign nothing is ridiculous. You need your parents to do the FASFA for most scolarships and grants. So does Dave not want her to get scholarships?

You don't give the right to make rules with my money. You stated your boundaries, she can either get with program or opt out.

I would pay her tuition fees and offer free accommodation at home. If she wants to move elsewhere, that’s her choice and she foots the bill for it.

I invested $3k in a custodial account for each of my kids when they were born. I never told them how much was there but I told them, this will be their money and I will not pay for anything of theirs as an adult out of our own money. It forced my kids to become financially literate and learn to look at college as an investment that they are making in themselves. I can say my conversations with my kids is completely different than this womans is with her girls. My daughter found an inexpensive school that was good for her major and went out of state for that and is paying for her housing. My next son wants to live at home and attend a local school. I had to convince him to go to the slightly more expensive school because he wanted to go as cheaply as possible. Still he is working hard to get scholarships lined up so he doesn’t have to pay tuition. I just sit back, provide advice when asked, and watch my kids become adults. Its awesome

Just pay the tuition, she's living on campus not doing hard drugs and making porn, there's no evidence of insanity here, she's opted out of the support with housing, let her find a way to fund that. The offer of accommodation and local schooling can remain on the table but if she goes away for school she gets help with tuition equivalent to what it would cost had she stayed local. Requiring them to live at home is just controlling them with money.

What she didn't add is that WSU is way cheaper than any 4-year school remotely near Tacoma.

I was taught that if you want a car, you make the money to do so. The same way with college. So why should parents pay for college? It makes no sense to me. Just because you go to school doesn't mean you will get a degree or make any money.

My mom kicked me out at 17, i worked my way through college taking classes as I could afford them, no loans until grad school a decade later. I want my daughters to have it easier, paid half their tuition (their dad paid the other half) I was able to pick up a few other expenses for them too. My only request...get a STEM degree, which they did

My plan for my children was going to be if they went and paid for community college, eliminated all their General Studies courses and maintained a 3.0 GPA, then I would pay for tuition, room and board with they transferred to their four-year university. Unfortunately I never got the chance to enact on that as I ended up not having children due to infertility issues. But I recommend this compromise to parents who are looking for ways to get their children to think about their educaion and not just jump to the first football laden or party school they saw.

Parents are being so outrageous. Sounds like mom just wants to pay for school so she can keep controlling the kids 🙄. Why can't she just give the daughter the amount of tuition she would pay if she lived at home and went to a local school, then let daughter make up the difference?

I really hope this mom listens. Her daughter will be so much better for learning to stand on her own. I have seen parents suffer into their child's 60th bday bc they wouldn't stand by their boundaries.

Not paying for college because you don't think housing is worth paying for is one thing, but if the daughter can work and pay for room and board without going into debt, it sounds like the "live at home" rule is more about controlling her movements and less about money or sticking to principles about being debt free.

I agree with what John said about living on campus, it's a big part of the college experience and some of the best memories I had during my freshman year. I opted to live off campus after my sophomore year, would have gladly lived at home, but I think it's important to experience campus life at least for the freshman year.

Sounds like a control tactic and the daughter called her bluff. Now Mom is back pedaling...

You don’t know the living conditions at home, so why assume she is stupid, when she wants to move out of the house. Maybe if we heard her side of the story, the advice would be “run and never go back, don’t care about the college money” - we just don’t know…

Sucks it’s an all or nothing ultimatum. Why not offer to help as much as you were willing to help with tuition and what not, and tell them they have work to cash flow or take out loans if they wanna stay on campus and buy the meal plans? That would settle things if all she’s worried about is the extra cost-but if you’re not willing to do that it sounds like a “controlling, wanna keep them at home and tell them what to do” kind of thing.

At the end of the day, it's your money. You rules. Daughter can do her plan and see how it works out for her.

Why does Dave always cut Delony off. Doesn’t seem to let him finish his thoughts. Have seen this on several videos

I don’t agree with how strict this lady’s rules are, she should be proud her daughter wants to go to college and seems decided on her future and education. This woman should then compromise and pay for the tuition, the rest up to the daughter,

Not paying for rent and insisting the daughter live at home are not the same thing. The mother could just say "I'll pay for tuition, but housing is on you to figure out unless you want to live here for free." She's in a spin because she wants control and her daughter isn't having it. This isn't about finances or not wanting to pay rent. It's about keeping her adult daughter at home and having a day over her life.

I must not be understanding this, just because she wants to go to school where she wants to go doesn't make her a bad person.

Makes sense no need to pay for boarding if there's colleges nearby you can move out when you graduate. For free education sheesh would be nice 👍

My parents gave me that hard line so I went to school in Hawaii. It worked out great.

My 5 children paid their own way through college. They decided how much debt they wanted to have. My youngest graduated in 2021 and at this point they have all paid off their loans with hard work. Quit trying to control your children.

I paid tuition books. Kid paid living expense. Don't understand why it's all or nothing. Pay school fees. They pay living.

This mom is the REASON I ran from mine & literally none of us talk to her. She controlled us our entire life. Every single thing she had a say in. It’s not her daughter. ITS HER! She wants to make it so they can’t run from her. She sounds like a narcissist & again, I haven’t talked to my mom for now 3 years & I’m happier than ever. All of my siblings are

I'm not a huge fan of her rule. It keeps kids from dreaming big and finding a great college away from home. It also makes the kid dependent on the parent in a way I find to be unhealthy.

If the daughter won't live within the parent's rule, then she is allowed to go on her own and pay all of her costs. No, you don't pay for groceries if she's 6 hours away. You tell her that sure, she can come home and eat what's in the refrigerator. If she gets scholarships, grants and loans and can pay for college herself, then good for her. I did exactly that. I had worked for a few years and saved to pay my own way and between semesters, worked. I never expected money from my parents and neither should this daughter.

I want to hear the daughter’s side of this. I bet there’s much more to this story.

It seems like a hard line to say you won’t pay any college costs if you don’t live at home. Why not pay tuition and let daughter get a job and pay her own living expenses? Maybe mom is smothering her and she needs to get out and spread her wings. I’m betting the living at home requirement is not just financial, but about control. This is the third kid and she has watched her older siblings and is like, nope, not for me. My husband got free tuition as his dad was a professor at a local college. He and his siblings all lived in the dorms. Let your kid learn to be a grown up! Being that extreme authoritarian with kids that are almost adults is a great way to drive them away. Then you’ll be surprised when they don’t come home for Thanksgiving.

You are offering to assist them. If they don't like the stipulations for help, let them go figure it out for themselves. Let them grow up....everyone has to learn the hard way every now and then.

Dave, I find it amusing that none of your callers catch your “ tongue in cheek “ response of “ Better than I deserve “. Your response clearly NAILS it.❤️