How to Be Less Emotionally Reactive: Black and White Thinking

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Күн бұрын

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Black-and-white thinking is when you take a situation and think about it in an extreme way, you push out all the nuance and turn it into something as intense as possible. You can usually recognize it when you use words like “Always, Never, Perfect, Terrible, Everything, Everyone, Nothing, Nobody, Worst, or Best. The Arbinger Institute calls these “Horribilizations” You take something and horriblize it.
Notice how in these situations, black and white thinking exaggerates the situation.
A husband says to his wife: “You NEVER do the dishes! I ALWAYS have to clean up after you!”
Depressed Young Adult: “EVERYthing is awful. The world is a TERRIBLE place. Climate change is HOPELESS. I’ll NEVER be able to succeed. I’m NO good at math”
Someone at work: My boss is the WORST communicator.
A young mother: “I’m just a TERRIBLE person” or “She has it ALL together, she’s such a SAINT”
Each time, the person takes a difficult situation and makes it horrible. They use the most extreme word. Never. Always. Everything. Hopeless. Terrible.
The more extreme your thinking, the more intense your emotions will be, and the more likely you are to be depressed or anxious. But Black and White thinking also makes you helpless to escape that depression or anxiety. And it’s a lie. When you use B&W thinking, you are usually distorting nuanced reality by ignoring the good and exaggerating the bad. You’re lying.
If it’s so awful, why do we do it?
You subconsciously like black and white thinking because it serves a function in the short term. And like a drug, it makes you suffer in the long term. So what function does it serve?
00:00 Introduction to Emotional Reactivity
00:38 How to Identify Black and White Thinking
02:36 Why do we "like" black and white thinking?
05:52 How to be less emotionally reactive
06:15 How to reframe black and white thinking
07:10 How to think in the gray
10:15 summary of how to be less emotionally reactive
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In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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Пікірлер: 1 700

@roshaanghiasi952 Жыл бұрын

“Believing that your boss is terrible is a mental habit to excuse yourself from work” ok you didn’t have to call me out like that

@dirtydirtyshisno7284 Ай бұрын

But also to be fair a lot of the time bosses are genuinely terrible 😂

@lulumarie7 Жыл бұрын

This literally popped up in my notifications while I was fully raging about something. My feelings were definitely justified, but I'm tired of reacting in ways that feel harmful to my inner well-being. I've gotten much better, but I clearly have work to do. Thank you for all that you provide to those who are struggling, yet trying to do better. 💛

@graydonwilkinson1458 Жыл бұрын

Stay strong I do the same

@Scoupe400 Жыл бұрын

Noticing it. Then wanting to change. For your benefit. Definitely a good path.

@jchinckley Жыл бұрын

@@Scoupe400 Nice poem!

@ayesha8809 Жыл бұрын

I had an aha moment recently about emotions, specifically anger in my case. The emotion is just a signal telling you something is wrong, like a boundary is being crossed. If you can understand what the emotion is trying to convey to you, it becomes pretty easy to deal with the issue and not get carried away with the emotion.

@Rob_A13 Жыл бұрын

My toddlers meltdowns get to me ugh

@enryiggins2878 Жыл бұрын

Some takeaways: be solution oriented rather than choosing to be helpless. Honesty. Self-accountability. Thank you.

@navaa1477 Жыл бұрын

In my first year of marriage my partner and I noticed we would get into arguments and use words like "you always do this" or "you never do that" and it never helped the situation. So we promised each other to ban these words. And it actually took practice to get out of the habit! But we stuck to it and it made a real positive change.

@meganh5948 Жыл бұрын

I tend to think in black and white. I’ve always been it’s all or nothing. I didn’t realize that thinking this way increases your anxiety….which now I see how it can. Thank you for this.

@AnnoulaXeni Жыл бұрын

"I've ALWAYS been it's all or nothing" 🙂 Did you say that deliberately?! (Good luck, just teasing!)

@truthjunkie63 Жыл бұрын

I'm that person also.

@lucianahurduc9383 Жыл бұрын

@@AnnoulaXeni Good insight 👍🏻....don t think it was intentional

@LisaMaryification Жыл бұрын

I need to check myself when I fall into black and white thinking. Perhaps the answer is to write down every gray in between.

@Swan-rb4yg Жыл бұрын

I'm not that person. I always see the gray areas, but some things are black and white, and it seems to me that choking them down would be a lot more detrimental then calling them what they are. There is such a thing as righteous anger.

@redhead911126 Жыл бұрын

Things get complicated when you grew up second guessing yourself because you were gaslighted a lot so now you end up getting very black and white in arguments because thinking in grey feels like gaslighting and second guessing. And I think a lot of my black and white thinking also comes from self protection because I don't feel like I can trust people, and I have tried to reach my own high expectations for so long that I don't even trust myself and it really hurts to try and "fail" or trust and get rejected or let down. But black and white thinking never feels good. I just feel constantly stuck and I am aware that I am difficult to live with and it triggers even more shame and I just want to withdraw even more because it adds to the narrative that I'm bad or I can't trust people to be able to tolerate me.

@dobedobedo1982 Жыл бұрын

I was thinking the very same thing while watching it. Very similar experience to what you describe (and I'm also a redhead :^). I have worked super hard over the last year to finally reconnect to who I really am and learn to trust myself. It's essential for your healing for you to be able to say "this was not my fault, someone did this to me" and yes, maybe they did it because of their own trauma, but that's theirs to deal with. By the way, I have found the Internal Family Systems approach to be invaluable for reconnecting to myself and addressing my triggers. Just mentioning it in case it's also useful for you.

@Blissfulbizz Жыл бұрын

THISSSS

@svondriska Жыл бұрын

So-I’m struggling tonight and have dealt with ideation due to trauma and other crap and that’s pretty much where I was at tonight. My therapist recommended this video as we identified this as a thinking error. It’s largely based around teaching from Dr. David Burns who wrote “Feeling Good”. I logically understand the concepts and can completely digest and comprehend the theory/theories.. however, just as (how I heard/interpreted) you noted-this thinking NEVER feels good. There is no satisfaction or validation. IThe struggle is noting it-recognizing when it happens, working it out according to all the sheets and still ending up feeling no different than where I started. The discouragement is palpable. You put into words things I have been trying to figure out how to relay to my therapist so candidly, thoughtfully and clearly explained. I really needed help with that so seriously, thank you so much.

@emikotagahushi941 Жыл бұрын

This sounds so much like me! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being guarded around people. That’s probably healthier than not being guarded at all, like what I struggle with lol. I tend to meet people and assume they’re all good, so when they do something I see as bad, I think oh they’re such bad people. That’s when I become guarded. I’ve learned now that - they’re just them, I’m just me, we’re all just trying to get through life the only way we know how. We’re all on the same boat, so let’s just chill. It doesn’t mean to let your guard down, but just realize that they’re people too - with flaws, their own issues, motives, opinions, day to day businesses. I think you may feel you can’t trust people because you can’t control them - at least that’s how I used to feel. But coming to accept that is a really freeing moment. So even when they disappoint you, you can say it’s okay and move on because they probably just had their own reasons. Same for having high expectations for yourself and failing. I learned that the hard way and fell into a dark place for two years where I didn’t land the college or job that I wanted. When I came out of that hole, I realized that I COULD be satisfied in a “mediocre” place too, at least I would’ve called it mediocre back then. Now it’s my happy place, because I’ve come to terms that I set high expectations thinking the others were unacceptable or pathetic(in a sense), but now I’m in that “pathetic” place and you know, it’s not as bad as my parents made it out to be. It’s not the “black” extreme side, it’s just another place. Things are what you make them out to be. So, I’d say, yes, set life goals, but not as if they’re high expectations. Just think of them as things you want to accomplish. Setting them on some pedestal will make them feel unreachable and you’ll be disappointed if you don’t reach them. But setting goals on the horizon - now those are just in the distance, and you can take steps to get there. :)

@shaunaniguns Жыл бұрын

Same. Also a redhead.

@helllllkat 6 ай бұрын

My boyfriend is more emotionally stable than I am and I just feel bad all the time for crying over stupid stuff whether it’s the smallest comment or a minor inconvenience in my day. I want to get better at managing my emotions and feeling things less deep than I do if that makes sense.

@catchingmybreath 4 ай бұрын

I feel you 😢❤️‍🩹

@justsneha9591 3 ай бұрын

im doing the same

@srishtisinghal6885 3 ай бұрын

I do the same gurllllll

@Underneath.It.All. 3 ай бұрын

I’ve been in therapy and support groups for several years now trying to learn how to stop my emotions that are so extremely intense…it’s constant work everyday…I also had a dysfunctional abusive childhood and experiences a lot of trauma…I’m a very highly sensitive person and yes I’ve came along way, I really have but it will always be challenging…when a person has acted the same way almost their entire life, it’s hard to retrain the brain and emotional responses. The first step was developing self awareness…and was willing to be honest about my behaviors without that change won’t happen! Don’t give up! ❤

@elenamaldonado7304 3 ай бұрын

I have the same problem.

@lizvillegas6603 Жыл бұрын

I needed this. Been struggling lately with a vicious cycle of magnifying my feelings and being overwhelmed, which leads me to feel the bad things more. Thank you so much!

@GreensnGuitars 7 ай бұрын

Me too ❤

@imaginarypizookie6472 Жыл бұрын

I do this all the time. I’ve actually been accused of overusing extreme language to express my dissatisfaction and it really bothers my boyfriend. Sometimes I notice he doesn’t respond for one minute and suddenly I assume he hates me and I tell him he “never” replies to me or is “always” away or “always” chooses others over me. but in reality, it’s just my rejection sensitivity and fear of losing him rising to the surface. I grew up with a very, VERY unstable family where people would spontaneously combust over nothing (or very trivial triggers) and blow up for a few minutes to maybe an hour then simmer down in the same day. It’s been so intense cops have been called here. I’ve witnessed the most tumultuous ups and downs from my family members since I was a child and I suspect I adopted similar behavior, which sucks. Once I feel something is wrong or I’ve been hurt by somebody, I feel like the victim, like it’s the end and everything sucks and it usually dissipates within the same day, though recalling it will allow for it to linger. Thanks for this video! As somebody with severe trauma (from my family as well as things outside them), rejection sensitivity, anxiety, self esteem issues, you name it… my emotional dysregulation has undoubtedly sabotaged my close relationships and opportunities in life. I wish I could see things more objectively and practice patience, cause if I don’t get instant gratification, I often assume the worst and start reading minds to justify my horribilizations.

@ifeomanwanze8289 Жыл бұрын

Same here

@5itka Жыл бұрын

very well put and relatable

@xLiLlyx98 10 ай бұрын

Absolutely same, but also the mind reading becomes a source of anxiety in itself and makes me fear that people will withdraw because I kind of assumed the worst of them... just trying to make people think that me fearing they hate me has actually very little to do with them lol

@love_and_protection_9993 10 ай бұрын

Wow I related to all of this a lil too much haha good to know I’m not alone

@xLiLlyx98 10 ай бұрын

@@love_and_protection_9993 hi welcome to the club I hope we all get to leave again someday 😂

@bobreiter1863 Жыл бұрын

You can't treat reality, yourself, and others like one-sided caricatures. Personally speaking, I find one of my anger triggers is when someone paints me only using my negatives without any regard for the positives. I then accept their skewed verdict and accept the emotion of self-hate. Thank you so much for this video. It really gave me a lot to think about. You are really good at what you do.

@RachaelJohn Жыл бұрын

Gosh. Same. I hate it. Hopefully we'll get better.

@audaniataylor4853 Жыл бұрын

God, me too. I had a boss who is young, energetic, sharp, and obviously used to being in charge. I was raised in an abusive household with a cult-life religion that emphasized black and white thinking. You're going to heaven or you're going to hell. You're a good girl or a whore. There was no in-between and this boss's disparaging attitude toward me is something I still fight in my head all the time. It's exhausting.

@xoashley8402 10 ай бұрын

omg yes! i thought it was just me

@pjmackall Жыл бұрын

Reframing can be damaging when dealing with a narcissist. You start to create positive reasons about them that talk you out of getting away from the abuse.

@ohnoohno25 4 ай бұрын

I agree. It’s a great video, but this is not the one for me and he would not be interested in growing from it.

@FitzyS 4 ай бұрын

Exactly some things are really black and white and some aren’t lol! It’s the ability to differentiate between the two, that’s the issue.

@jd_music23 4 ай бұрын

So, this is just to offer some prespective on how nuanced thinking could still help someone deal with and leave a narcicist or even learn to heal from a narcicist ex and you might totally disagree but that's okay. (To be clear. I'll say "you" a lot here but I'm just meaning you as in anyone really) Firstly the nuanced thinking might not need to be on whether or not they're actions/words hurt you and are toxic for you as that is probably pretty clear they did and if you're being "honest" then it probably will be that they are wrong for you and all the pain they've caused you is very real! However the nuance might be calming yourself through emotional reactivity to realise that actually you are wasting your energy arguing with them. Or it may be challenging your own negative self-perception to realise you're not the problem, it's them and remove the black-and-white belief that they're always right and thoughts that may occur such as "I'm just useless/hopeless/stupid" which they might have triggered you to believe. Or it might be that you realise you are engaging with them in a way that triggers their narcicistic behaviour (maybe you're not assertive enough or too assertive or criticising them triggers certain behaviour) so you then you have the information on how to avoid certain situations if you can't leave them yet (I mean we're hoping that's aim; to leave but sometimes you need time to build the strength to plan a departure) or you yourself might feel societal shame in leaving them that you can "never hold down a relationship" or "it would be terrible to be seen having a fallout" which is more black-and-white thinking you may have and that ultimately the best thing is in fact to walk away! Finally when healing it may be realising that they are in fact a hurt scared inner child and whilst you still need to get away from them you might reframe them afterwards not as someone who is the "worst person ever" and instead someone who you were hurt by and doesn't have the skills to deal with adult life but you still ultimately choose to leave and block out of your life for your own health and that may be easier for some people's recovery too as it help you let go of the pain if you're seeing the human rather than the narcicist. So I would argue that nuanced thinking could actually A. Help you identify a narcicist sooner and B. Help you realise that the relationship (whatever kind of relationship it is) isn't working for you and you need to cut them out. That's not to say any of this applies to you or that you need to thinking this way to be clear but just to point out examples of how this thinking could be considered nuanced and less emotionally reactive. I think it's really to do with how the conclusion is reached rather than the conclusion itself. Nuanced thinking can still involve you realising that someone is a huge red flag that you need to get away from them and maybe see past limiting beliefs that may stop you from seeing that.

@nagadoooo 2 ай бұрын

@@jd_music23 this was a really, really helpful reframe. I have people who have been harming me in my life and although this video has a really great advice, it’s tricky when I try to apply it to my situation. But your examples of how nuanced thinking could help with narcissists helps. Thank you!

@Pancakes4din 2 ай бұрын

So then dont deal with narcissists. Leave.

@madslynne7372 Жыл бұрын

I used black and white thinking to leave my abusive partner. And I continue to use it nearly three years later when I catch myself slipping wondering if I made the right choice. I did make the right choice.

@chirpie11 Жыл бұрын

The best choice!

@diandreabrown8711 11 ай бұрын

The BEST CHOICE

@xLiLlyx98 10 ай бұрын

Well, I guess in that case it's better to keep the black and white thinking. As in "that person was the worst choice for me and I should never get back in touch with them!" Because it's true in that case.

@user-sz3lf7kb2l 4 ай бұрын

I love this person AND I need to leave them permanently for my own safety. I want to make the relationship work AND i see continual red flags that make it abundantly clear it’s time to leave them for good. I’m going to miss this person AND it will be the best decision of my life. It will be expensive and scary AND it will be worth it. I don’t feel worthy to leave AND I feel I deserve better.

@LightnessofJoy Жыл бұрын

I grew up with a parent who expressed verbally black and white thinking, and made it hard to think outside of that trap, and it took awhile to learn that there are other options/ways of thinking. Even though I could tell both my parent and I were aware of nuances, we weren’t yet equipped with the verbal skills to express them. I am much better now with this thank goodness, and can overcome helplessness.

@LomeLindi Жыл бұрын

I'm in this boat as well. Being raised by someone who is dominated by black n white thinking makes it hard to see grey in the world, but it's definitely possible once we catch ourselves doing it.

@jennifermiller5041 Жыл бұрын

I tend to be a black and white thinker. Ugh..I don't want to be. I also have lots of trauma and not much trust, due to legit reasons. It's so hard to work your way out of this.

@salsadip7453 Жыл бұрын

@@jennifermiller5041 its ok to keep the circle small even if most people are definetly grey, doesnt mean they are good for us a few trsuted uplifting people are enough, rest can be filled with friendship to oneself went from social butterfly to loner, but recovering. the right people find you, when you are stepping in the right direction!

@tedspradley809 Ай бұрын

"I could tell both my parent and I were aware of nuances, we weren’t yet equipped with the verbal skills to express them" That's not black and white Thinking, it's black and white Talking. Big difference, as long as we're aware of it.

@barbaracimini1447 Жыл бұрын

Wow! This was seriously useful, since I’m a classic black & white thinker. I was able to instantly see how these less reactive strategies can result in a richer, softer, happier, more loving experience of life.

@whathappenedwas7083 Жыл бұрын

I’m 32 now and over past five years since lots of loss and stress (step father / bio father/ and sister passed on and moving twice); long story short: my patience to not get irritated and annoyed then upset so fast has been severely tested . Been praying also to have my patience, kindness and empathy to grow. And forgiveness as well for hurt I’ve caused even if unintentional or unknowingly.

@salsadip7453 Жыл бұрын

best wishes to you!

@syh4533 3 ай бұрын

Tried that. Telling them my frustration for lying to me. Instead I was accused of playing victim, being blamed for something else etc, rather than taking accountability

@moonlight19720 Ай бұрын

that doesn't mean that you did it wrong. maybe your partner is an abuser and likes gaslighting

@RecaJ333 Жыл бұрын

My roommate once told me I think in color, but most people think black and white. I didn’t understand quite what she meant then, but after watching this do. Thinking in “color” is beautiful AND stressful. I always feel like I’m in the middle because I understand where the other person is coming from, and all they see is white or black.

@lemurpotatoes7988 Жыл бұрын

Always?

@BR-ck2vd Жыл бұрын

Thinking in color is a great way of putting it. I tend to be under reactive for just that reason. I see the whole picture while the folks raging are focused on one triggering piece of the puzzle. For the same reason, I'm very slow to anger or feeling hurt, because I generally take a step back for perspective. It's definitely something we can all learn by noticing when our thoughts are extreme or negative (we can all fall into a victim/self pity mindset when we're highly stressed) and taking the time to question those absolutes until they become more realistic & positive thoughts. It's just like any other habit that requires patience & practice.

@Zetos Жыл бұрын

@@lemurpotatoes7988 😂

@matildamatilda1836w Жыл бұрын

@Lawreca I'm so the same, thank you for putting words to it so well! ☺️

@RecaJ333 Жыл бұрын

@@lemurpotatoes7988 YES!

@parisazamani1751 Жыл бұрын

I love the idea of being specific. When we dig into the situation we realize that there wasn’t a serious problem and we are only exaggerating and overreacting. Plus it takes time and it cools us down.

@little_miss_vintage Жыл бұрын

As someone with BPD and MDD who does this black and white thinking non stop - this is SO helpful! I took a ton of notes and adding this to my treatment plan❤

@vegansinthewildover5023 Жыл бұрын

I catch myself doing this often while I’m driving. I’ll see a car with a fancy trailer attached to it or some thing and I’ll say boy, everybody has a nicer camper than me. Or I’ll hit one red light and think oh no, I’m hitting every red light today. But then I will laugh at myself and bring myself back to earth. Thank you for this, it is very helpful.🎉

@maramhaddadin4499 Жыл бұрын

I cannot even describe how thankful I am to have you being part of my life. You helped me tremendously..

@nickp6498 Жыл бұрын

My emotions are constantly pushing me around like I’m their bitch. Everything negative that happens is an identity crisis where I question what kind of person I am (because I did this, that makes me THIS kind of person), and the way people view me or the way I think people view me, becomes how I view myself. So my mind becomes a roller coaster. Not sure how to overcome this. I’m tired of being tired.

@blessing291 Жыл бұрын

samedt!!! i even dream in this behaviour no joke...terrible nightmares and waking life😂

@deztheray8935 4 ай бұрын

This was a while ago so I don’t know if you’ve made progress or not but I used to be the same way. I was so depressed in junior high and high school and would always react so angrily to everything, I’d scream and yell and would get so angry and have no self control. If you’re on birth control I’d recommend against one that has estrogen cause it magnifies your emotions, also I started writing in a positivity journal, so I only write things I’m grateful for or positive things about other people. And be specific if you do this, like I was grateful so and so said this to me today, or something like that. It’s hard at first but you’re exercising your brain to think positively more often. Another thing that’s helped me a lot is God, reading his scriptures and praying to him has helped me so much to become stronger and have more self control. Also therapy! I don’t know if you can afford it but find a therapist and pushes you, not one of those cushy ones that just agrees with everything you say.

@74beehoney Жыл бұрын

As a therapist myself, I truly appreciate your ability to provide such thorough and helpful psycho-ed in a way that is going to be more digestible for viewers than clinical speak. 😊 Thank you !

@chanbriajackson4679 4 ай бұрын

Agreed

@sarahjane7082 Жыл бұрын

This video was in my recommendations, I hadn’t watched anything like it before but I am so grateful it popped up. I just realised how emotionally reactive I am. I’m constantly saying “I have no time, I am literally so busy every hour that I’m awake,” etc. I also get so worked up whenever I need to do something like a presentation or a class that, when I’m finished, I feel so relieved it almost feels like I’m surprised that I survived it, like I convinced myself that doing something like a presentation or running a class will literally kill me. My emotions are so extreme, there really is no grey area, but I’m so thankful I just watched this and will definitely try to catch myself anytime I start using black and white thinking. Thanks for the video!

@Stupify8 Жыл бұрын

Oh my. I’ve been recognizing my black and white thinking ever since I’ve been an adult. I’ve been like this my whole life. Only recently have I started noticing this frame of thinking was damaging. A driver who cuts me off is an idiot. Someone said something thoughtless - never want to be friends with HIM. Even my “whites” were extreme, things were “so amazing/completely awesome” etc. just so reactive. This video is so helpful. Take a deep breath and slow yourself down. ❤❤

@helenivanova5440 Жыл бұрын

This lady truly deserves her more than a million subscribers, doesn't she?:)

@PrestoJacobson Жыл бұрын

1.21 million is a lot to me! I liked the video and don't understand why the need for ads if she privately practices. Maybe better help is legit and the doctors can give out FMLA; I dunno.

@helenivanova5440 Жыл бұрын

@@PrestoJacobson well, some extra money is always good. Besides, she spends time for making videos so why to reject being paid for them?

@PrestoJacobson Жыл бұрын

@@helenivanova5440 true, it's a problem with most video creators, like Alex the Analyst.

@helenivanova5440 Жыл бұрын

@@PrestoJacobson you mean, ads are problem? Well, maybe some options exist when you can pay a bit money and don't see irritating ads...I don't know, i live in Russia, so because of all sanctions, restrictions and prohibitions we don't see ads anyway.

@jayciet.3240 Жыл бұрын

She deserves her subscribers cause she's wants to help people. She's helped me figure out a lot of things and traumas that had me stuck in life. If it weren't for people like her, seriously I don't know where I'd be. So thank you for all you share with us!

@jdb8171 Жыл бұрын

I'm working on my black/white thinking about black/white thinking. It's been an eye opening journey to discover how tuned into having to be "being right" all the time and how people (family, friends, co workers, etc.) react to me when I'm in this mode of thinking. When I get distance from the thought patterns and take responsibility for them, I can see how that insecurity of needing approval can be insidious. I'm also getting better at seeing these behaviors in others and I can not take it personally...even when others are doing their best to make it personal.

@songindarkness Жыл бұрын

Omg in years of counselling and therapy I have never had a therapist actually break down why black and white thinking is so difficult to break out of before and why it’s so bad in the long term. This is incredible. Thank you!

@hailey813 Жыл бұрын

My issue is much more inner than outer. My extreme emotional response is when someone accuses me or challenges me or bothering me when I'm all socialized out. I try to hold in the emotion and be polite but they won't stop, won't listen, won't let me escape. I keep trying to mask myself until I explode in either anger or tears. I don't deal well with conflict at all and I generally end up having an unreasonable emotional response. And to the outside view its sudden and out of nowhere, where I've just lost this great war of social propriety against my own panic

@terrylynn7936 Жыл бұрын

Oh, I can relate to that so well!!

@wendi2819 Жыл бұрын

I relate to this. I'm holding it in too. So then when I react it looks like it just happened out of the blue. But it's been moving towards a volcanic eruption inside of me for hours or days.

@Lyddiebits Жыл бұрын

Hi!!! Are you me???

@salsadip7453 Жыл бұрын

i face similair struggles i think i, for myself dont connect enough/have overgone something when that happens i am well prepared for a lot of situations, but sometimes the battery is empty and THEN. its hard to to, especially if life throws challenges your way when you try to retreat but it surely can be done we can do it!

@iamkevinkouassi Жыл бұрын

Have a journal at hand or your memo voice app. And start venting on it. Everything you would like to say. The act of writing will calm you. Then, go to the person and request that you’d like to read them something. And read what you wrote. The more you do it, the less you’ll need your journal to express your emotions.

@lizbusby86 Жыл бұрын

Could you do a video from the other side? What are the best ways to respond to someone who is emotionally reactive when you aren't (or at least are striving not to be)? Any tips for healthy conflict?

@kategilbert1158 Жыл бұрын

Yes! I would love some help with this as well. Thank you

@jennifermejia6274 Жыл бұрын

I would love this video to be made as well

@shilohhosanna Жыл бұрын

Yes please!

@therealkakitron Жыл бұрын

As an aspie adult, it's actually difficult for me to become emotional, even when I try, so when my wife and I fight about something, I typically stay collected and can be more nuanced about what's being said, vs her who reacts very emotionally and uses superlative terms like "always" etc. So what I do is simply identify when we're past the point where she's no longer engaged in the argument factually and I just tell her that I'd like to remove myself from the scene. Of course in the moment she gets upset about that too, but it takes only a few minutes of her having a bit of space and she cools enough to start thinking about the issue clearly again, without the overwhelming emotions. I think as the person who stays more cool headed it's the best thing you can do.

@QueenCloveroftheice Жыл бұрын

Love this idea!

@aishwarjyagoswami1449 Жыл бұрын

This came up on my feed when I was intensely raging and crying out in response to something. And although, my feelings aren't unjustified, I need to work on not getting carried away by this black/white thinking pattern. It only makes matters extremely worse for me and everyone else around me. Thank you for these videos.

@RaulShr6771 Жыл бұрын

This was an interesting way of addressing emotional reactivity. In contrast to this, I find it amazing how so much of social media actually trains this “black and white” thinking. I am thankful that there are human beings like yourself who are helping others become more aware of their thoughts and emotions. It is very much needed in today’s world 🤗

@mona5713 Жыл бұрын

This is one of the most life changing things I've heard in long time, for people who are ready to take responsibility. Thank you

@kasturipatra9128 Жыл бұрын

This is invaluable advice. I've been going through some difficult emotions, and this showed me the way. Cannot thank you enough for what you do, Emma. 💜🙏🏽

@IreneL Жыл бұрын

The part where you mentioned our ancestors reminded me of this quote that I read recently '' Everything that we feel inside has a charge, a frequency, so what we call the “negative qualities” or the distortions, they also have a charge. They are almost like a habit that we have. '' - Andrew Kenneth Fretwell (from his book Emotional Alchemy: The Love and Freedom Hidden Within Painful Feelings)

@PeaceLoveUnityRespect Жыл бұрын

Despite watching so many of your videos and getting so much help from them every time I open up or see a new release I'm a little bit reluctant because I sort of feel like I should be able to handle my issues myself but after I watch your videos it truly gives me an understanding on how I feel impacts the way that the rest of my body reacts and I am highly appreciative of the work you do here on KZfaq.

@quinalexander2580 Жыл бұрын

I wish i would’ve watched this before today! I was horriblizing all over the place today but this really helped reframe my thoughts about the situation. This is going to be super useful in the future because I catastrophize so often. Thank you for literally saving me one video at a time

@gfawka Жыл бұрын

Emma, I just wanted to say that it's thanks to you and to your videos that I decided to try therapy (through BetterHelp) and it did help me a lot! I am still on it and still progressing, I've been doing it for around 3 months now. I was afraid to try it and I started watching your videos as a substitute to therapy, but then I decided to try therapy and I am so glad I did. So I just wanted to thank you for helping me make this important step in my life.

@tnt4648 Жыл бұрын

That's wonderful 😊. Wishing you much success in your healing ❤️ 🙏🏽 . Therapy can be really awesome!!!

@jennag5715 Жыл бұрын

This video came up as a recommended video in my feed. I'm happy I watched it. When I get upset, I often think in black and white and later communicate my feelings (emotional reactivity) in black and white. This video helped me understand how this is damaging to my well-being and possibly even my relationships with others. Thank you

@dfoster7452 Жыл бұрын

I know this is how I operate at times. Happy to see this video.

@dimplewraich7257 Жыл бұрын

I cannot express my gratitude enough for you for giving free therapy to a lot of people in need of help. I’ve never found the therapists I saw not helpful at all. They were quite useless and ahd no knowledge about therapy and this is just a video and 1000 folds more useful ❤

@jasonvanbreda4749 Жыл бұрын

This helped me realise the size of this black and white thinking thing (but trying to be balanced with that too). How quickly I use extremes (and times I've tried to prevent my wife from doing the same thing), and therefore to be aware of what I allow myself to think and say.

@SHGames97 Жыл бұрын

So happy to see your channel grow! Almost 3 years ago I was what seemed beyond the pale of recovery & feeling tho my life was resigned to the garbage bin. With the concise guidance from yourself & the wonderful people around me. Was able to bounce back into life so much stronger than before & I thank you beyond measure!!!! ❤️ God bless everyone who needs it & sending positive vibes your way!

@beebee3333 Жыл бұрын

This is fine if you are overreacting to trivial stressors. Not useful if you have actually been traumatized and your despair is an accurate response to what has happened.

@brittanypowell1173 Жыл бұрын

Great video, so relevant. I find that I can see a world a gray OUTSIDE myself. When it comes to my own emotions and situations, I'm black and white. My mom was the same way. I grew up with her constantly using "all" or "never" statements so that it became so normal. Time to break through my own polarized thinking and cut myself some slack when I'm hating on myself. Thanks for the video!

@itsyourcaptainyt 4 ай бұрын

1,5 years of on and off therapy and this is the most useful, actionable thing I've heard so far. Thank you.

@cheesycheez 4 ай бұрын

My therapist helped me so much with how I describe things to myself. My life isn't less stressful than it used to be, but I've become less bothered because I can acknowledge both the lovely and stressful things in my life, and when I think of my stressors now, I know they are temporary. I'm so glad to see someone is making this kind of information to help oneself more accessible for more folkx :)

@emilysmith2784 Жыл бұрын

“How you perceive reality“ such a good phrase.

@KarimJovian 10 ай бұрын

Thank you

@lezliehammer Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this. I have depression and have always had a black and white viewpoint, but I didn't recognize it until now. I will work on being more specific and truthful.

@5tw3b45tcf Жыл бұрын

I think I needed this information nowadays. I often get into stressful situations where I think people don't respect my boundaries. I think being stressed tempts me to use black and white thinking more. I think I have a hard time vocalizing/articulating my perspective and being more assertive.

@harmonymiller7999 Жыл бұрын

I am so grateful for you! Thank you for this! I didn’t realize my black and white thinking was such an issue. This is so helpful!

@elevenbyfive Жыл бұрын

I think it's clear that i needed to watch this since my first reaction was "oh, god, i'm ALWAYS doing this..." !!! It's really useful to have some clear, simple steps to follow. Your videos help me a lot. Thank you.

@srtbluekat6748 Жыл бұрын

🤣

@nowucit6346 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for making things clearer. I appreciate that you not only give a situation but give useful suggestions on how to fix or improve the situation. 😊

@desireeyang2629 Жыл бұрын

This reminds me of the book Bittersweet by Susan Cain where she speaks about the transition between two states in life and how the middle point is the space of resilience, compassion, kindness. Your video brought mental clarity to what she was expressing. We are often stuck at the extremes due to trauma but the middle is what buoys us through the tough times in life. I call it my crash mat, the space where I cradle myself and bounce back into activity again.

@allyson5712 Жыл бұрын

Yes!!! This is extremely helpful!!! The black and white thinking definitely plays a large part in my and my husband’s arguments, thank you!!! P.s. On a side note, you have that new-mom-glow about you, just beautiful, blessings to and yours 😊❤

@the_furf_of_july4652 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for putting the sponsorship at the end! Even though it’s for betterhelp, it’s still great for making the video flow better and feel more genuine, and I appreciate it

@sirvixhiter Жыл бұрын

I love your videos because they provide actual actions you can take to resolve the issue and break everything down in a clear way. Thank you for what you do

@sunflowerthatkeepsgrowing 7 ай бұрын

Thank you,I struggled with just seeing things based on pat patterns and tend to misjudge/misinterpret situations based on how I think they are in my mind which made me cry a lot then later when I get clarity , I feel like I literally keep on hurting myself over nothing and the anxiety keeps growing so this was really helpful because I really want to stop feeding my mind with negativity ❤

@BigBossMan538 Жыл бұрын

What do we do if we’re dealing with being bullied? How should we categorize people who do awful things? I’m not talking about not cleaning up after themselves or not communicating.

@eminemilly Жыл бұрын

Not sure but that sounds hard to deal with being bullied. I'd guess it depends but maybe categorize their actions instead of leveling them, just the actions they're doing or saying. And like she said don't black and white yourself putting yourself down too, you're just doing your best. As far as what actions to take to reduce stop or somehow cope with the bullying , I don't know. I hope maybe you can talk to someone about it And get some help. I can listen here if you need. Best of luck noone deserves to be bullied

@eminemilly Жыл бұрын

Labeling them**

@BigBossMan538 Жыл бұрын

@@eminemilly I could've done without her smugness with her saying "You poor thing" and her video.

@Phoenix-kd1we Жыл бұрын

I didn't know that my reactivity comes from black and white thinking. Thank you very much for this video! I appreciate the sheet to download. 50% less reactive sounds great to me.

@jenniferalexis Жыл бұрын

This came up right after my Zoom appt with my therapist. I really appreciate finding you, and this video was very helpful.

@BrianSheppard Жыл бұрын

Some times the boss is really terrible though.

@pietro8246 29 күн бұрын

Some of us will never grow😂

@mr.brightside6119 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this! Never hurts to be a little more accountable for ourselves!

@annabellacrewe8858 Жыл бұрын

Great, I used ro work wih this as a social worker many years ago..I had to learn myself, because of my own opbringing and social environment..So good to listen to this reminder. In fact necesary being 71' I still have to rehearse a bit !❤

@lankanikai8056 6 ай бұрын

This is one of the best videos I came across, I was diagnosed with BPD and emotional regulation and black and white thinking is a big part, I will use this when I have my moments

@MummaMia5 4 ай бұрын

I’m seriously going through one of the most difficult times of my life. This came up on my feed and couldn’t have come on a better day. Thank you SO much. I really needed to redirect my thinking to cope with what’s happened and what’s to come. 🙏❣️

@Lana-px7gc Жыл бұрын

As Eckhart Tolle says, stay in the present moment with awareness that observes but does not identify with the thoughts and emotions that arise from them and also with the realization that they are being produced by the fears and insecurities of the ego.

@elizabethwomack4829 Жыл бұрын

I love these videos - they are so logical. I could see this mindset and process being perfect for short interactions or relationships where both parties are logical/desire to improve. I only wish it also applied to toxic work environments. There is really no "winning" with those. And try and I might to reframe, when the same situation repeats time and again, it solidifies itself in my head as a fact. The 20th instance of "they were both mean and may have just been having a bad day", or "My boss isn't a bad boss; he told me he would talk to [coworker] and not to worry about it" is just me lying to myself. That person really is just a crab with no respect for others and that boss really isn't a good boss if the only way to get him to address an issue is to receive a call from HR after I went over his head. Toxic work conflict leaves me feeling either trampled-upon (if I didn't react to the situation), being labelled dramatic/a complainer (reported to boss/human resources dept.), or called a villain (stood up for myself). Don't get me wrong, I have had some good bosses in the past, but in the toxic environments there is no such thing. It feels impossible to reframe situations with family-business bosses who really do put blood, not only before other employees, but before logic, profit, customers, ethical business practices, laws...etc. every single time. Or supervisors who really do never question the senior employee despite continuous issues. (Such as being blatantly and routinely absent without approval, PTO, or explanation, talking back to superiors and telling them they "don't want" to do something and to give it to so-and-so instead, sowing seeds of contempt between departments - without provocation - by making unbidden and off topic replies that falsely insinuate mistrust and blame.) The boss that is so fearful of turnover (even of a lackluster employee) that they tell other employees to ignore the bad employee's behavior, even physical threats, or false claims against someone that could (and have in the past) result in their termination despite the recurrent nature of these issues and the knowledge that they will continue to arise over and over. Where there is no logic, even logical solutions fail.

@pksaallenpark2200 Жыл бұрын

I feel you really understand. I have no help and this reaches me. Financially therapy isn’t possible but I feel relief at times from your podcast 😊

@Domee894 Жыл бұрын

I don't think I use black and white thinking to excuse myself as I always try to find solutions to my problems. It's not always the case so I don't think it's accurate to say that people do that as an excuse. I do that because that's how I was raised, unfortunately and I have BPD but it never feels good to me. But I try to challenge my thoughts.

@gazingupwards6387 Жыл бұрын

I have noticed that I become extremely impulsive with anger when I'm in a hurry, usually after I've been procrastinating. I have an ADHD diagnosis and no longer take medications for personal reasons. I don't really use the words you mention often since I had gone through CBT and learned, for the most part, to stop those thinking traps. My mind goes into blaming others and for some reason I become ultra sensitive to noises, especially repetitive sounds/speech(like alarms, beeps from messages, a movie that has not yet been started and repeating the same tune, hearing repetitive small talk when I'm busy and don't care to talk). Once I get annoyed under stressed circumstances whether it be from hormones or running behind and wanting to shut down the distractions, it's very difficult to talk myself down. The best thing to prevent me from feeling intense rage is to acknowledge that I am not perfect and it's okay to be human, I got behind or screwed up and I just have to slow down and accept where I am and what i need to do and trying to use my adrenaline as motivation will hurt myself and others most of the time. I have just recently realized that my reactions to not reacting when angered by noises feels exactly like intense withdrawal symptoms that i had gone through when quitting smoking, or that feeling of need that i feel when fasting I feel like i use adrenaline as some kind of angry motivation to push myself. I believe reacting to anger is a habit/addiction that is necessary to withdrawal from. Anger adrenaline works, but it makes me feel like crap. Sometimes I'll make clicking sounds to distract myself from noises or turn on white noise. I have learned to deal so much better than in the past. I have much better self control. I still have a bad habit of procrastination but I don't explode and feel like people are purposefully wanting to cause me more issues. I accept accountability for what I am aware of within myself. I share these things because I have searched for answers and understanding and would like to share my experiences to contribute to the knowledge given here in this video. Thank you for your videos.

@katievilichay2359 Жыл бұрын

I could relate to this SO much-I wasn’t even into the second sentence yet and was already wondering “does this person have ADHD?”, bc I do too and this all sounds like me.

@notdolgutz9728 Жыл бұрын

Haha wow are you me…??

@gazingupwards6387 Жыл бұрын

@@notdolgutz9728 maybe an extension? Lol

@gazingupwards6387 Жыл бұрын

@@katievilichay2359 I'm sorry you get it, lol

@vanessaharris6559 Жыл бұрын

Thanks for breaking down black & white thinking! Definitely provides another way to view this. Makes sense fight or flight reactions. Very helpful- Thank you!

@ninacueva3828 Жыл бұрын

This video was so informative, concise, and well summarized! I try to keep in mind that most, if not all, things aren’t as simple as black and white. Growing up and observing my parents use black and white thinking, I came to see it as oversimplifying and hurtful. Now I understand why much better! Thank you, Emma!

@HeyMichsi 4 ай бұрын

I think anyone who's trying to successfully live beyond survival mode needs to hear this. It certainly hit deep for me thanks so much.

@Shay-wl4lx Жыл бұрын

This is the best explanation of B&W thinking I've ever heard! Thank you!

@bruh666 Жыл бұрын

One ray of hope I have for others who struggle with this, is that even though being brutally honest hurts in the short term, it also feels weirdly good. You get to enjoy the feeling of doing the right thing and trying to be a good person. It takes osme getting used to but it's a way to feel better after something bad happens that doesn't rely on blacka and white thinking.

@conniethornbury9464 2 ай бұрын

These videos are so helpful. It's such valuable advice and I can't tell you how appreciative I am that you are taking the time to make them. You're helping so many people. ❤

@keshavprasad6485 5 ай бұрын

This is just gold. Thank you for doing this. You're touching many many lives positively and bring huge relief and smile! Thank you Emma.

@lillybits9726 Жыл бұрын

All of your videos are very helpful, but this concept was the missing puzzle piece for me. Thank you from myself and on behalf of all of the people that you are definitely helping. 😊

@emilytreu2312 Жыл бұрын

It’s so hard to catch yourself doing this! It comes so naturally especially when you’re in your feelings

@emilywieber3553 2 ай бұрын

Thank you for showing me and helped me recognize that I change to think in a more positive ways.

@gologanlarisa5871 10 ай бұрын

You are saving millions of lives with this life-changing information! Truly impactful and of paramount importance!!! Huge thank you for the efforts and sincerity you put in your videos!!!❣️

@virginccyy7645 Жыл бұрын

I enjoy this therapist's way of explaining these mental difficies!

@UncleBernzz Жыл бұрын

Your videos are so amazing. Loving the quality as well. Very put together and straight forward. Thank you!

@Cre8iveCindy Жыл бұрын

This video popped up at just the right time and made my heart happy. That’s me. Thank you for different ways to look at situations and ways to work on it. 😊

@FancyLioness811 6 ай бұрын

This black and white thinking is me and I’m so happy to have some tools to use now. Had a therapist that I loved a few years back but she moved out of state so I am not in the mood to start over so I haven’t even looked for another. But I feel positive if it just start this way of thinking I can find another when I get the basics completed. Great message.

@ginnyburley9552 Жыл бұрын

I have thought of this pattern in terms of the distortion of overgeneralization. It can really become a habit that keeps screwing up perception for me. I catch it quite easily in watching other people but I’m aware I talk to myself like this too often and dig an emotional hole for myself.

@Gabeloveyou Жыл бұрын

You rescue me from myself. Hang off every word. Adore you ❤❤❤.

@ianbosireobiye1268 7 ай бұрын

You really were honest: using “I feel” and giving the situation time so that you can chill are all honest!

@lrwhcymru 5 ай бұрын

This video REALLY resonates with me . I’ve been trying lots of things to improve my relationship with work stress recently and haven’t been able to articulate the problem but this video has illuminated it clearly. Thank you so much for uploading this ❤

@Gt3ch Жыл бұрын

IDK this seems like a crock to me that isn’t helpful. When I’ve seen black and white thinking it’s because the person is feeling overwhelmed, tired (from physical causes) and maybe a bit insecure and this has snowballed to more extreme panicked and anxious feelings and actual dysregulation. The black and white thinking comes out of this extreme state. They’re not saying these exaggerations primarily to get out of responsibility- they are coming from deep pain and insecurity, and a panicked and emotional state. So for example, “my spouse never does the dishes” - what they are really saying is “I’m exhausted and completely overwhelmed with my responsibilities in the house and I feel that my partner is taking advantage of me in multiple ways. I don’t feel supported or loved or that my spouse even notices all I do for the family. etc.” So pushing the person to recognize - “well actually they did put their dishes in the dishwasher once last month unprompted" is not actually calming because it invalidates what is actually going on and being felt. An exaggeration that misses the mark won't counteract an exaggeration coming from real feelings and situations. Even more importantly black and white thinking is part of dysregulation. I don’t see how you’re going to get someone to do this in that state. This seems like an approach that is only really applicable for people who are just lazy, self-absorbed and entitled, not particularly self aware, and who are not actually experiencing true anxiety. 🤷🏻‍♂ I mean I guess there are a lot of people out there like this but a mention of how to handle actual problems would be nice.

@Men_After_Gods_Heart 3 ай бұрын

Pure logic...i like you brother,..

@pearlhall3787 2 ай бұрын

You are so spot on. I totally agree with you. Thanks for your comment.

@veiganovoa Жыл бұрын

You really get to communicate from the heart. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

@radekzgarba4052 Жыл бұрын

I have been practising the Mindfulness of Breathing technique kzfaq.infoUgkxIIDVgnLN8pF_fPOyoZ1nTjbLvvZcib6r as taught in this CD for about 2 years having read about it in Paramananda's Change Your Mind book and taken a real liking to it. However at times I struggle to remain focused on the breathing and thought that at such times this guided version might suit me. So after two years I finally decided to buy it! The first 7'24 of Track 1 of the CD is a body relaxtion which I do not use: I don't like body relaxation techniques and I find 27' just a little too long for meditation. The remaining 20' of gentle, guided meditation helps me tremendously to relax and stay focused. I find him's voice very soothing and whilst he is present to guide you through the 4 stages of the meditation, his presence is not intrusive or distracting. For the past two years I have tried to follow this technique as best I can with gentle meditation music despite music not being recommended. Having used this CD a couple of times I think I will try from now on to adopt a new routine of no music and just this CD as I find it so helpful. I realise now that the music really is distracting and I have enjoyed listening to the ambient sounds around me which I am normally unaware of. I can not comment on the other 2 tracks of Metta or Walking Meditation as I bought the CD solely to help me with the Mindfulness of Breathing and it does just that - very effectively. In my opinion this CD is money very well spent as it will guide you through a thoroughly useful and beneficial meditation technique and I don't think you can put a price on that.

@jamielawrence4749 Жыл бұрын

wow, this is a really great perspective shift about someone being "the worst" and me being "the best" as a form of vindication. I always thought it was just me being broken and critical to myself. But this is actually a little loophole that I think actually helps way more!! I want to get out of this loop. Called me out!! Haha. So appreciated. There is a lot of stuff I'd like to just "not deal with" so it seems easier to not be the one who is responsible for fixing it.

@user-um2sj9uz3l 4 сағат бұрын

For the past few years every time I get upset I blow up I start screaming and cussing and just doing a lot of stuff and I have lost a lot of pl bc of that and I always thought “okay there just dramatic I barely did anything” but now today I’ve realized that the way I react to stuff is not healthy at all

@falconbritt5461 10 ай бұрын

This is SO very helpful for those of us raised by parents who were severely traumatized themselves, parents who might today be diagnosed with any (or all) of the following: narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, rage, depression... Being raised by such dysregulated and extremely emotional and negative people gets us started in the womb (literally, both energetically and chemically) and then trains us in this kind of thinking and feeling for as many years as we stay in the home. It's a lot to overcome and rewire, but BW thinking is definitely the place to start. Thank you SO much for your videos!

@danielamishkovska2833 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for covering the topic

@kembaI. Ай бұрын

I’m glad I came across this video. ❤ I really needed to see this. I’m done with letting my in control of emotions make decisions for my life.

@akshitagoel7152 Ай бұрын

I didn't even know i thought this way until i opened this video and watched it. Thank uh for the amazing information. Everything was clear and well explained.