One of the happiest moments in your life is when you find the courage to accept what you can't change. Understand one thing. The narcissist's goal is to rob you of everything you own, everything you are and everything you love. Then, they blame you for the complete destruction of your life.

They always have an answer for everything...they shut you down so easily...they have no remorse and are always the entitled victims

All narcs hate when you see right through them

A narcissist discarding you means u won the argument 🥲❤️

“I don’t care if you’re Mozart wrapped up in Rembrandt or whatever tech-guru dejour who invented whatever damn device or program or platform we use. I don’t care what you’ve done. Abuse is still abuse.” - Dr. Ramani. / She did that. Mic dropped!

Anything other than a genuine acknowledgement of their mistake and of other people’s feelings - AND changed behavior - is unacceptable.

"yes, nobody is perfect, AND I'm not asking for perfection when I expect to be treated with basic decency, and common civility. I'm asking for the same respect you expect, and you to be accountable when you aren't perfect". "Yes, nobody is perfect, AND decent people take responsibility when they aren't perfect and can be held accountable for for their failures. "

How they justify their behavior? They project it onto you lol or flat out deny they did anything wrong at all.

I have been accused of not being forgiving when the narcissist says “sorry, my apology isn’t perfect enough” when it really isn’t an apology to begin with. It’s gaslighting, causing me to 2nd guess myself, combined with their fake apology.

My current favorite is when they say they treat you that way, because they see you as "family". They're telling you you have to take whatever they dish out and feel flattered that they chose you for the abuse.

"That's just who I am!" And I don't have to put up with that. We all deserve better.

"I'm not a perfect person...I'm trying my best here" .....is what I got from him after I confronted him about a full blown affair

My least favorite phrase was “If it was me, I wouldn’t have done it like you did”. I heard that one a lot!

My ex fiancé after an argument said "Listen, I don't cheat on you, I focus on my work, I don't smoke, I'm not an alcoholic, I have a house all ready for us..." And I was yeah I loved all those things about him but still no exuse for constantly putting me down, commanding everything as he wishes it to be, hurting my feelings and never even say sorry... Also "I don't cheat on you" should never ever be an exuse or a justification... it's one of the FUNDAMENTALS of a relationship

When I would tell my mom how my dad treated me or spoke to me for no reason, she would say to me "That's just how he is. He loves you. He doesn't mean it." I heard those words all my life. I am so happy that I went no contact with him.

They can appear to be nice when it benefits them.

My father always shut down any and all criticism or my just trying to tell him how his behavior hurt me with the line “Oh yeah, right, and you’re a f%#@$ angel!”

The excuse I’ve heard for the mean abusive things said and done, is ‘well we’re just human’. Which is like saying no bodies’ perfect. I find it maddening cause it’s an inappropriate excuse for emotional abuse, with no accountability. It makes it all feel worse rather then just saying ‘I was wrong and I’m sorry’. Yes we all makes mistakes and aren’t perfect, but not ok to use as an excuse for bad behaviour. I can’t stand I when I hear that. Major red flag. 🚩

My narc-ex would say (after criticizing me) “If someone told ME there was a better way to do something, I’D want to know.” He always just saw himself as somehow helping me “improve” myself. And if I didn’t want to “improve” myself, then I had a “fixed mindset” instead of a healthy “growth mindset”.

Everytime I listen to Doctor Ramani explain these relationships with a narcissist, I'm remind of how little my presence in these relationships are. There's just a lack of me, which is probably why I feel and have felt so disconnected in these relationships. It is profoundly important to have a mutual relationship that is built on mutual love and respect. Without that, you're living in their world, being reduced to a fraction rather than a whole. It is no wonder that people who have been living this existence find it hard to believe they have incredible value.

Married 26 years to a narc. I always tell him he has a Rolodex of excuses! Oh my gosh he’s so quick to think up an excuse for his awful behavior! Every single scenario has an excuse!

After my divorce, when I started dating again I was terrified of judging the new person based on my experience with my ex husband. As I was telling my therapist about an incident with the guy I was dating, my therapist looked at me and said I was gaslighting myself. I was like WHAT?? Apparently, I was really good at justifying other people’s bad behavior.

It’s so weird that I’m not in a relationship with a narcissist but it was my one and only parent. My mother, what choice do we have being born into that? Father not around, and we can’t leave or question them. It’s torture. Lots of mental anguish

All the justifications I’ve heard over the years: “That wasn’t my intention. You always think the worst of me.” (When their intentions were not even part of the conversation - only their actions) “I never said that!” (To the point where you start recording conversations just to play it back). “You’re ALWAYS tired 🙄” (when they do not contribute around the house or with the kids, and you have a job as well, and you ask for more effort). “I’m not perfect, and neither are you.” “What a vivid imagination you have.” “I don’t remember that.” “I already said I was sorry what more do you want?” (Only apologized because I didn’t back down and kept explaining the issue and my position…they really wished I would back down much sooner without an apology). “You’re making too much of this.” “Normal people yell and say things they don’t mean when they’re angry; I’m not a robot like you.” “What about the time when you….” “You didn’t let me finish, so you misunderstood my point.” (Usually after they blatantly contradict themselves and you point it out).

Oh! My ex-husband once said to me , "Well nobody told you to paint such pretty pictures." This was after I took all his narcissistic abuse and I said that I never imagined being married only one year and already not having good communication. He was awful and tyrranical. (At the time in the 90s I didn't know about narcissism.) He really messed with my head.

”We’re all human” is another golden Classic.

I hate my life. Isn't there a place in the world that's clear of narcissists?

When you’ve been dating an NPD for 10 years and then you’re in the hospital for 12 weeks, with stage four bladder cancer, and all they can think about is themselves… You wonder how you didn’t see it in all those years past, 🥺

The main excuse that stands out for me is "life's not fair." Wouldn't like to say for sure if this is narcissistic or just ignorant/lazy, as it's usually offered as a justification for allowing an injustice to continue from someone who is in a position to remedy the situation but doesn't want to put in the necessary work.

Strange how "Nobody's perfect" is so often considered an acceptable defense for narcissistic abuse, but if someone had committed murder and used "Nobody's perfect" as their legal defense in court, there is absolutely no way it would be considered acceptable in the slightest. Somehow, abuse doesn't count or is a minor/trivial thing? Maybe it is to enablers, since it isn't being done to them. But it definitely not a minor/trivial thing to the victim of the abuse, and no reason it should be.

I've heard the no body's perfect line more from enablers than from the narcissist themselves. Usually the narcissist is too busy flailing proverbial punches to be calm and rational enough to use their words.

I've come across those who will shame me for not forgiving my abuser and offer no compassion for what I have been through

My parent was hard working and a perfectionist. I realize now that my obsessive need to produce and belief that only what I can do creates my worth has me in perpetual flight mode. I can’t be criticized as much if I am always producing, always doing something.

My narcissistic sibling has said to me when I've called her on her rudeness and invalidation: "I'm not responsible for how you feel!"

My husband has the perfect work! He owns a hair salon and is the head hair stylist! He has loyal clients - some who have been coming for 14 years...constant supply! He would always buy them and the workers gifts and of course would fly into a rage if I got upset as I, as his wife, never got gifts! He was always so upbeat and charming in his salon. All his clients think he is amazing and such a great guy!

Lmao my narcissistic ex would also say that but differently. He’d say, “you can’t resist this, you weren’t able to resist this back then, that’s how you ended up with 3 kids”. I would laugh because it was actually funny, I’ll give him that, he had a good sense of humor, SOMETIMES. Back then in 2019 I told him, you’re so full of yourself, and I told him that’s a sign of narcissism. He said, “yeah I say that, but deep down I’m really insecure”. I wasn’t well informed on narcissism back then so I was like hmm maybe he’s not narcissistic then, he’s just trying to be funny, that’s all. Now that I know this, I’m like WOOW 👀 haha.

“Nobody is perfect” then transition to victim, mingled with the attack. I hear it from the narcissist and enabler. But the bottom line is it is an excellent way to change the subject.

Heck, yea. “Nobody is perfect”…. Heard it in the workplace. Yet perfection was demanded!!

I still occasionally walk into my mother's trap of 'tell me what can I do for you' and then get my hand chewed off for (unintentionally) suggesting something about her isn't perfect (or 'already done')

My narcissistic father once told me that him gaslighting me as a child was my “self-fulfilling prophecy’, that I expected him to be antagonistic. When I told my self-absorbed mother how she had hurt me her response was, “it’s typical for adult children to resent their parents”!

The dismantling of “nobody’s perfect” argument was so clear and insightful. Thank you so much for the “and” technique! I’ve been struggling a lot with answering the arguments that are true and generic. The one I’ve heard a lot was “it takes two to tango”, which is also true but is usually not the point of discussion.

I hear the 'Nobody's Perfect ' almost every day, and also the phrase, 'they are only Human'....Thank You for Your Time Doctor Ramani.....Paul in Florida ...

“NOBODYS PERFECT!!!” is his mantra!!!!

That explains while my narc was a workaholic. There, he could get all validation possible, and then at home, he cultivated the myth of the indispensable provider: "Without me, you won't make it."🤨

“I hate you” means “I hate that you know my true nature and have the power to expose me but choose not to because my mask will eventually slip”

About “nobody’s perfect”, my elderly narcissistic mother, tries to shut me down with the phrase” I’m the old lady here, you should understand this “.. all her hurtful behaviors are prefaced with this statement! She has some dementia and she is still unaccountable for her bad behavior.. luckily , I just walk away now in hopes she will forget.

My (narc) mother's justification of why she defrauded me- she stole the only inheritance my late father left me while I was struggling with a severe disability and now she enjoys watching me being constantly on a verge of homelessness- honestly took my breath away. Apparently, it was all my fault that she stole from me- since I was so naive and incapable of watching my back when dealing with her (she is the only family member I have). And I deserve such treatment since I am 39, divorced, without kids and disabled ...in her own words "I am not worth living" and "SHE deserves all the good things, not a useless creature like me". That was our last conversation. I have cut her permanently off but I admit it may take some time to heal.

"Nobody's perfect!", the quintessential excuse for people not doing anything to better themselves.

I 💯 agree with you. Bad behavior should never be okay or accepted in any situation.

"It's just the way I talk", "I was brought up that way", "that's how I'm programmed", "you got it completely wrong", "you always overthink it and take things the wrong way", "you're too sensitive", "what are you a Catholic priss or something? they're just words, you're over-reacting"....

From my mother, all of my life. Yet, she expects perfection. I am always wrong.

The 3 Things Narcissists Say to Justify Their Behavior & How They Get Away With It: 1. "I've got the goods." 2. "When you work at my level, you expect no less from others." 3. "Nobody's perfect." And what you said for number 3, Dr.Ramani, is so relatable. I have been hit by this phrased by my narcissistic mother and sister for calling out the former's bad behavior. There were rapidly repeating the phrase over and over so much, so fast, that I had to yell at both of them to shut up when I was to snap. I told my mother, "I do not need told a life lesson I always known as a child! I do not expect you to be perfect, I expect better of you!" And this was back when I thought they were normal people that just have issues they were working on. I did think they were toxic nor knew what narcissism is. However, after I watched videos that informed that they are both toxic, I realized that they both excuses to avoid taking responsibility themselves. The very thing they told me not to do for myself. I am learning and creating to end my relationship with both of my family members. And, yes, I will use the word, "and", by the time I finally go no contact with them. Nobody's perfect...AND YOU SHIFTED YOUR BLAME ONTO ME!!!

Fortunately for me, the jobs I had were devoid of abusive narcissists because they were all in the air conditioned office or perhaps very expensive truck...we the people lol sorted the mail or mopped the floors or ripped the walls down with provided sledge hammers and got along, only occasionally visited by the narcissists who would appear smelling nice to "correct" us about stuff 😆

Oh my gosh. The nobody's perfect thing got flung at me at every turn in "that former relationship"! It was his excuse for EVERYTHING he did...and yep...that's exactly what he did....then following it up with the calling me self-righteous thing.

We don't request them to be perfect . But we want them to be kind , altruistic, both sides road , responsable . Real . But this is so hard for them. Their egotism just takes over everything..

As I think back on the stories my soon to be ex-husband repeatedly tells me about his days at work I realize how true this is.... He talks about all the people who worked for him that were bad employees, how useless they were and how he was such a tyrant that many people would quit and even how he Lorded himself over family members of the Boss and justified himself..... only people he speaks good about are people of very limited education and intelligence... Simple minded laborers who bowed down to him and did everything he told them to do.... He needed to have absolute control and power over people or they were no good

Ironically, no matter how successful in my career, earning more, having a higher academic background and better family than my narcissistic ex, she would turn to me "you think you are so perfect like a saint right?!" In fact, I didn't say a word but asked whether she can care for my feelings. You cannot win.

In the case of my ex, “I’ve got the goods” translates to “I am a triple threat: nice looking, intelligent and athletic”. Somehow the fact that I earned a lot more money, was also intelligent and worked way longer did not matter.

Oh! The “I’ve got the goods” thing definitely can be observed in families where the dominant parent is a narcissist. “Oh you don’t like that I do this and this to you? Get out and live on your own, let’s see how that goes “. Which is a horrible thing to do to a child who can not live on their own.

Narcissistic person with bpd issues drain your energy , your confidence, infact everything in the name of love and get away with it , once they feel that they can no longer control you . My ex did the same , showed a world full of future , gave his own excuses to his anger outbursts that were scary , apologised like a child with a failed promise to improve , love bombed and and again in few days blamed me for every wrong happening in his life . No matter what I did was never enough, he even tried his level best to make his family against me and on me questioning those behaviour, he would lash out and say " you always doubt on me " . A normal long distance phone call would turn into a war zone , until i actually started walking on eggshells just to keep the peace . I started questioning my own reality. Even my closed ones could sense something was off , but I would get gaslighted by him and would defend him infront of my own family . At the end he insulted me again , name called , but this time with no remorse and now he is acting like a victim . So many lies , verbal and emotional abuse for months , excuses piling up only to be left with all the scars that has to be healed . I miss my old self that I was before meeting him , he actually sucked the energy out of me just so that he would feel better . I dont know why the family betrayed us , his parents knew everything yet they brought the marriage proposal only to fool us for months . I am glad I with my parents support decided to call it off , though I miss the good times but I need to accept that it was only taking a toll on my mental health . One thing I have realized is that the word " LOVE" alone is not enough to be with someone . People who are toxic and manipulative will drain you completely, and their issues , their emotions are not something u are responsible for . If they are not willing to understand and see whats going on , if they can't see the unconditional support you have been providing them with , its worth ending the relationship or marriage rather than being in it only to be dead inside . Anyone going through these issues , remember you are not alone . I used to feel " why me " , but when i read the comments , i feel there are many who are going through it no matter early or late , taking a decision that saves ur life ur mental health , is always worth going for !

I always heard “You just gotta understand…”, “who do you think you are”, and “the only one who has issues with this”.

Yes! The narcissist just snaps his fingers and …That “nobody’s perfect” statement is the perfect smoke screen of BS needed to shift the blame!

My narcissistic father believes that he earns the money, so he can spend all his free time on things that are fun to him. He rages when you expect him to help with the chores.

He would drag up my past sins to other people in an effort to make me look bad and then if I told him, “why don’t you talk about your own sins?”, he would say, “well, nobody’s perfect.” But he could never talk about his own failings. And I wouldn’t stoop to his level. Now, I just go gray rock on him. “Yes, that’s what I did.” And give him no further area for discussion. I’m not concerned how other people perceive me because of my past failings.

My dad uses being diagnosed with PTSD as his pitiful excuse. "There's nothing i can do about it, that's just how i react to things" ... He is and always has been a raging narcissist

Even after listening to Dr Ramani's advice for months now, I still hear new things that are relevant to my experience. Pulling out lantana, a heavily invasive weed on the NSW coast, on my property, in 40+ degrees celcius (that's really hot), the narc would shame me into staying out helping him until i literally passed out - several times. I didn't realise until now, that behaviour was a 'thing'. Thank you for this, it's pieces of sky that fit together... from a jigsaw puzzle that is ALL sky

Me too has been used falsely as a tool for advancement.

“I’m just trying to express my opinion!” - said my mom if I ever tried to counter her with my thoughts.

Nobody is perfect. Ya! and the sun is hot! 😂 Love it. I also here, "If i don't do, every little thing perfectly in your eyes" Statement as well. 🤪 This was a great video as usual. Thank you for bringing out a Great way to respond to the "NoBody is perfect" go to, that the Narcissists love to say. "AND" 👍

There is no justification for their behavior

100% I have heard this line. It’s delivered like an insult.

From my mom: 'nobody is perfect' or phrase 'everyone has his own worth. Ex husband's defense was a horrible shouting attack or physical violence.

Absolutely! When I stand up for myself my Narc will redirect anything i say. My Narc is self righteous lol! And a lecturer!!! Yes the eye roll!!! Ugh!!!! Preach Dr R!!!

thank you for this..as painful as it is..and I was already crying due to a lifetime of this & that just happened again. It's painful yet necessary to recognize and yes, I am doing good things to take care of my system and being gentle to myself. 🙏

Using “and” instead of our natural response of “but” is powerful imho. The word “but” sounds like a weak deflection compared to “and”. But I say that to make a point. vs And I say that to make a point. Thanks again Doc. for arming us with the tools to offload and avoid these relationships. 🙏🏼👍😊

No matter how hard I try then my mom will always view me as an object not as a human being that my mom and dad made together just an object that stuck with me and It hurts😢❤

My partner says, "I'm not saying I'm perfect..." when telling how perfectly they did something or handled a situation. It's cropped up more and more in conversations in the past few years. It seems to be a variation on the "nobody's perfect" excuse, perhaps to cut off possible feedback. It's a good point though that they do expect perfection from others but give themselves that out. I learn so much from each of your videos, thank you for providing education for so many. It's truly life-changing!

Ha you forgot the biggest justification of them all of the vulnerable narcissists "after everything I have been through...." omitting the fact that all of it was caused by their own behavior.

You are an incredible psychologist and communicator. Thank you so very much for your work. You are a very beautiful person.

I have the same pain created by family members, exactly like this, I do the hard work , they want my results, take it from me and say it in my face they did it , completely ignoring how they asked for my help ! I am getting there to zero communication, I do my best , thank you for the help I get from you Dr. Ramani 💕🙏💐

I’d be a wealthy woman if I had a $1 for every time I’ve heard “nobody is perfect”, “change doesn’t happen overnight”, or “hindsight is 20/20”. 13 years of rationalizations & excuses for the same behavior.

I think covert narcs are like the BIGGEST co-dependendents of all because they NEED supply (you) to survive and they hate us for it. A normal co-dependent needs the partner to feel comfortable, validated, valued...but can live alone, survive and thrive.

The one I've heard often is, "We can't all be as perfect as you!" If I then said - no, I'm not perfect - well then, I admitted it; admitted that I'm broken, flawed... and have no authority to call them out for their imperfections (aka cruel, rude, abusive bad behaviour). If I didn't challenge it and remained silent - well then, I admitted it; admitted I think I'm perfect, and therefore the selfish one. They stack the deck so you can't win. Like a monkey trap, the more you struggle the more trapped you can get. Diabolical! Run, RUN AWAY, FAR AWAY!

Dr Romani, you hit another one out of the ballpark! Your videos are Always So Helpful! Grew up with a narc mom, narc exhusband…

Was manipulated, gaslighted, then when I reacted to the abuse was pathologized by a mega church's "loving christians" . All so the Narcissists that I had somehow "offended" or didn't "Obey" could get me kicked out of community and seen as the problem. All the while touting how great they are (they got the goods) At least in my case I became aware of others they'd done the same thing too to get them kicked out&completely shunned so the abused person(s) are silenced and/or not believed when the individual tries to tell anyone else there what those people are truly like . And these videos have helped complete the picture of who they Really are. Thanks again Dr Ramani.

My housemate's version of "Nobody's perfect" is, "Everyone acts like an as$hole sometimes"

"Work brings money and that brings power" is so, so true.

👏🏻💯💯 In the workplace, it seems Narcissists typically are Workaholics. I've found, because Narcissists usually don't have good relationships with family members, have real friendships & have almost no hobbies - they need to spend all their time WORKING! Holidays, weekends, even missing Special Occasions. Always beautiful, sooo knowledgeable & inspirational🌷🐈💝 LOVE the new "AND"!!! Thank you!🙌🏼💯💯 I can hear you better in these videos! Wondering if YT is lowering the volume maybe? Some, even using a speaker, the video is super quiet?

Yes Ex Narc said nobody's perfect she also had said I'm Mr. Perfect and should be the leader of the truth tellers. I'm definitely accountable

Dr Ramani, have you ever done a video about Narcissist people who get into a marriage of convenience.... unbeknownst to the non-narc? Or is that all marriages to a Narcissist?

I have heard that phrase from my mom all my life

Ha, mine said “I’m a great catch” shortly before discarding me

Two words. Michael Scott. It’s crazy how we are taught to “admire” people like this. He was awful!

Every nurse, medical doctor, therapist and psychiatrist I’ve ever confronted (in a healthy way) has used the “The system’s not perfect” excuse. 😂

Just wanted to say thank you. I really appreciate your videos. Also thank you to people in the comments too. Knowing other people have had this kind of experience too also helps. Thank you.

I said, “no one is perfect” to the narc clergyman after he reacted with surprise and shock when I admitted that I didn’t think he was perfect. I realized as I said it that I had punctured his self image. There was a lengthy silence as I got busy cleaning up the kitchen.

In 275 days, I finally get to stop paying the narcissist who turned my daughter against me. Hard work, love, and hope go toward the kid who has rejected me but if you think SVB closed quickly, wait until you hear my “Dad” ATM slam shut on the 16th of December.

My ex-wife always justified her mother's nasty behaviour towards me by saying, "If you weren't so rude to my mother, she wouldn't behave this way towards you." So for many years I thought I was the problem, but what is so wrong with putting someone in their place who constantly disrespects and tries to emasculate and undermine you at every turn? Was I supposed to bow down and worship her because she bought me some clothes and other things from a flea market which I never asked for and ignore her constant attempts to erode my self esteem? Thankfully I got out of that mess and I hope she and her mother live miserably ever after! They deserve each other!

My ex didn't have to say, "Nobody's perfect" because I implied it for him way, way too many times

Such great information. I went from an independent successful, fun loving compassionate woman to a anxious, depressed, paranoid, accused of being crazy, unhingerd ,and unfi: he had the small group of flyers to continue the abuse. I left LA to be with this man in 2012. I refused the casting couch to marry my sweet heart a Southern gentleman that treated me so horrible I was left with brain damage and low self-esteem to the point of despair. My parents came to help me and take care of me as I scraped myself off he floor from the betrayl and abuse. Thank you Ramani for explaining the discourse so well,