PART 2 HERE: kzfaq.info/get/bejne/rJ-Ao92UzdSWmX0.html :)

This book reminds me of that one tumblr post that's like "some people define respect as treating someone reverently and others describe it as treating someone like a person. And a lot of times people say 'if you don't respect me i won't respect you,' and sometimes what they mean is 'if you don't treat me reverently then i won't treat you like a person' and they act like that's equal but it's not"

I'm a divorce attorney and had to read this book because the husband in a case used it to justify his abuse of my client. It was vile.

My parents were having problems, so my dad took my mom to the Christian book store and told her to pick out a marriage book. She chose "Boundaries in Marriage." He made her put it back and take this one. I wonder what the problem was.

Emerson has some stupid audacity to say that women are insecure when he's the one losing his mind over his wife _clearing_ _her_ _throat_ . His ego is like a house of cards, it looks big but it collapses when you just breathe on it

I remember seeing a tweet or insta post that basically said that if submission was so natural for women, we wouldn't need sermons reminding of us of it each week.

My father acted like a total bastard toward my mother until I was ten. He beat her, then blamed her for beating her. He acted like a dictator in my family, and wanted everything his own way or else. It didn't end until she divorced him. Women shouldn't put up with this abuse. It will never get better. Leave him. Just leave him, and don't feel guilty about it.

I was married to a narcissist and during marriage counseling there was some comments that he "didn't feel respected." Thankfully, the marriage counselor stopped that in it tracks and asked, "what have you done to deserve respect? All I see is you bullying your wife."

He didn't feel disrespected. He felt shame, that is anger directed inward, because he recognised he had disrespected her, and he needed to lie to try to pretend that it wasn't really his fault. It's unfortunate that we don't help people understand their emotions better, and, as part of this, how to acknowledge where we have done harm as a first step to apologising and rectifying that harm, instead of having to deny & deflect in order to avoid feeling bad.

These books' opinions on women always boil down to, "No thoughts: only doormat."

When Emerson says 'Respect' he means 'Obey'.

Respect isn't a synonym for unquestioning compliance. People that think that it is and are 'respected' but unloved and unliked by their families must lead very lonely internal lives. Nobody wins when there isn't mutual kindness and empathy in a relationship.

My mother just got finally divorced from my dad. He was this exact type of man, when he would be abusing my brother by calling him a baby girl with diapers because he cried after getting hurt, my mom would tell him to stop and he would get enraged at how "disrespectful" she was to him. He often told my siblings and I that she might not even go to heaven because she never respected him as God commanded her to. I felt so sorry for my mom because it was clear to me that he never loved her. Or any of us for that matter. She was afraid to leave him because she genuinely thought she woild go to hell if she divorced him. Finally after slowly realizing that God would not want her in an abusive loveless marriage she left him and it's been amazing ever since.

The bit you read at 19:42 leapt out at me. “The husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” I expected that to end, “the wife must respect her husband _as she respects herself.”_ But it doesn’t. Nobody in this marriage respects the wife. What an inadvertently revealing bit of writing.

To me, what was important was not forgiving my abuser, it was forgiving myself for having been through it.

I got married really young (17) and naturally my marriage had cracks really early on. After we had a baby 4 years later I started reading this book, because I was being cheated on, verbally and mentally abused on a daily basis, and I just wanted to know how to make all of it stop without losing my husband. The abuse became physical after applying the "respect no matter what" philosophy from that book. I truly believe if I hadn't read that book I would have left my marriage a year earlier, and not have the mental scars I do now.

In addition to making respect a thing that’s only for the husband, he’s also defining respect as “the wife obeys the husband and never challenges him”

respect is meant to be mutual, these kinds of men have no respect for their wives but expect respect from them

My husband and I were given this book by a pastor at our wedding. This pastor came through the receiving line after the ceremony, and all he said to us was, "You WILL have hard times." He was serious... no humor or lightheartedness in his voice. Well, maybe we would have had a harder marriage if we had read past the first chapter of this book without laughing at it and setting it aside. Our egalitarian approach to marriage has been very healthy and balanced for us. I'm so glad we didn't take this garbage advice.

I was raised by people who love this book and focus on the family. Not one of the people I was raised around was happy. A bunch of super bitchy women who were in constant competition with each other for who had nicer things, sat around beating their kids, talking shit about their husbands and how much they hated having sex with them, almost all of them addicted to Adderall and xanax despite looking down on anyone who drank alcohol. But somehow they were in the right and better than everyone else because they enabled their tyrant husbands who all had napoleon complexes.

I love when Kyra comes over like “Mom, I noticed a change in your voice and demeanor, are you okay.” She is such a sweet angel and an awesome daughter and doggo. 🐶 💜

it's crazy how in the beginning, you were quoting the book's opening paragraph, and it immediately sets the tone. "Wives are made to love, want to love, and expect love. ... Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect." Everything you need to know about the book is in there. Wives do expect love from their husbands, but they also give their husbands love and they want to do so. However, husbands don't respect their wives, they only want to receive it. And, of course, a husband not loving his wife is swept under the rug with a small, "do better next time" without any consequence, but the wife not showing her husband respect is one of the worst things she can do to him and requires she be belittled and punished.

I recognize this book and I think you can guess why. It has been given to women by mothers' that want to excuse their son's behavior. Thank you for bringing awareness to this. KZfaq is so awful for demonetizing this.

Wow. Writing a whole book to justify your narcissism is wild. But also totally makes sense. It’s a manual by and for abusive husbands.

As a man who grew up in a christian church i can confirm that we hear and learn a lot of this bullshit. I am very very lucky that i always been more close to independent non submissive and non religious women so they quickly made me realise and unlearn this behavior. Sadly every man and woman in my family thinks just like in this book.

If a man told his wife "I respect you, but I don't love you" she'd be upset. Of a man told his wife "I love you, but I don't respect you" she'd STILL be upset! There's the false premise of this book right there!

Omg this man felt disrespected because he forgot his wife’s birthday and she called him out on it 😭 I understand that forgetting isn’t intentional but as someone with ADHD when I need to remember important stuff I WRITE IT DOWN.

This reminds me so much of my father. He would constantly drone on about the respect he "deserved", but he was a shit human who never treated people in a way that warranted respect, nor did he offer anybody else the same respect that he demanded.

My parents had this book front and center on their nightstand while I was growing up. When I was 15 we had to flee my father’s abuse, and travelled across many states. I’m not surprised

The husband getting uptight that he didn't get sex immediately when he came back early from the business trip sounds like borderline marital rape to me. And the communication issue sounds as if it predated that particular business trip. They've got (from the sound of it), a minimum of two kids, if not more, and that already poses a stack of logistical challenges. The husband seems to have come back during the day, so that he should have expected that his children (they're his kids as well as the wife's) would be needing care and shuttled around between classes, practices and appointments. So I've got zero sympathy for that husband.

When I was little, I remember a conversation between my (fundamentalist Christian) parents and some (also fundie) family friends where they talked about a woman who was beaten by her husband, but she would always make him breakfast the next day and then eventually he "repented" and stopped because he was humbled by her unquestioning devotion to him. This story completely terrified me, and I'm still horrified that they encourage women to stay in abusive relationships. It's fucked up.

Agreed that abusers don't deserve respect. Every single trauma therapist I've seen has agreed with that too. You also don't need to forgive. You have to process hard emotions before you can truly decide if you want to forgive. The trauma of abuse lingers like grief. Some people grieve for a while, a long time, or even forever. If you choose to forgive before processing all that, you risk bypassing your own pain, which then makes it harder to manage and heal. And sometimes people process the hard emotions from trauma and decide what their abuser did to them is unforgivable, and that decision to not forgive then becomes a mode of self-respect because it's coming from the part of you that knows you never deserved it. Forgiveness is purely personal and therefore should never be required. Another note on your review of this book: "men need respect more than love" is what my dad would say when abusing us. It's what my church would say when they found out about abuse. The belief in that phrase gives safe harbor to so many abusers in churches.

Mature men want a woman who wants him, chooses him. Immature men want a woman who needs him, who can't easily survive without him. One wants a partner, the other wants a captive.

I just genuinely don’t see how someone can do such things to people they love. If someone is doing this type of thing to you, they don’t love you. Women need respect as well as love. Men need love as well as respect. All people need respect and love (until they do something to prevent that)

Respect should be earned, not automatically given. And abusers don’t deserve respect. Also, Kyra is just the sweetest! 🥺🥺🥺

We appreciate Rachel for her consistency and dedication. We will always support her no matter what happens.

I feel like this guy just very obviously has a very different definition of respect than the rest of us. Like respect to him just means: "never make me aware of my mistakes, never disagree with me and never say no." geez...

Thank you for making this. I am a devoted Christian wife and I have so much respect for what you have brought to the table. I've experienced and seen this type of harmful dynamic countless times. As a reflection of God's love, we need to do better.

The little habits that bothered this author about his wife had me thinking of kids being irritable and complaining "He's breathing on me!" or "She's looking at me!!"

When i turned 12, my aunt gave me a purity ring and some girl defined book (i didn’t understand that i was on the ace spectrum but i was and literally had a panic attack to the point i couldnt sleep and was vomiting at the thought of having to fulfill a man’s desires like that someday) and then when i was married (i loved my boyfriend but was shamed into marrying young so we could stop sinning i.e. being intimate as 19 year olds) this was the book my dad gave me and i threw it away after our honeymoon. While I’ve been grieving the first 20 years of my life that were absolutely ruined by western evangelicalism, im so happy that not only me but my husband have left and are rebuilding our new lives together. Im so happy you’re spreading this information and the toxic dogma that is ruining young peoples’ lives because it HAS to be talked about more in more than just religious spaces alone ❤

There can be no love without respect. If you're not being treated with respect, you're not being loved. And that goes both ways.

Focus on the family is evil ! I grew I listening to that every Sunday morning. My mother was that type of woman in the book. She took so much crap from my father and her first husband . I saw so much growing up with women in church and such . Abuse is abuse . I asked my mother when I was older why she took this crap . She because of the family and that's wife's do . Still blows my mind

My father has been cheating on my mom for the past 3 years. He's currently staying somewhere else, to give us some space and decide whether he wants to be with us, his family, or with his mistress. My mom still talks so kindly about him that it kinda makes me angry, and I suspect it's because of her fundamentalist values

Went to a Christian wedding where this book was referenced and quoted. The bride and groom in their vows referenced this book and then the bride made a remark about how difficult it was to give her husband respect or something but she was happy to do it. It was so creepy! I read the book afterward and was disturbed.

i did a bible study group with this book (i’m an atheist now but used to be a devout christian in a church that i now believe was on a fast track to becoming a cult - it may be at that point today). this book, along with the discussions we had in the group, convinced me that i didn’t deserve to feel loved unless i respected my husband enough. “enough” being completely ambiguous, so i always felt like i was failing no matter how hard i tried. even when my relationship was abusive, i believed if i just showed him “enough” respect, it would change him; he would be able to love me. the book says that the husband can also show the wife love in order for her to show him respect. its called some sort of cycle; like, without respect the husband can’t give love and without love, the wife can’t give respect (you might touch on this, i’m writing this before watching) and either partner can break the cycle by choosing to give love or respect despite not receiving the other. *but…* basically the rest of the book contradicts this. the onus is on the wife to respect the husband *no matter what.* this book really fucked me up.

From this book Emerson sounds like an abuser that purposefully wrote it as a way to justify/reinforce the idea that him and other men are allowed to 'mistreat' women (they never call it abuse) and then blame that abuse onto them. Because that is what this book is basically doing. Even the 'coming home from work early story' is basically the husband throwing a big temper tantrum because she too busy and stressed to fuck him and it somehow being her fault.

The introduction made me picture a lesbian couple at the alter both saying "I love u" & a gay couple at the alter both saying "I respect u". And the latter seemed so hilariously dumb

Abuse has so many forms, that it is often very hard to recognise it - especially if you are entrapped in a toxic or abusive relationship. It can even be mutual, if both sides exploit vulnerabilities (this was my experience for very long years and it took me a long time to realise that I was abused and even more that I also had been an abuser). Excellent analysis, as always, dear Rachel!

Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority" For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person" -Rachel Oates I think this quote explains a lot about the dynamic described in Love & Respect. What the author describes as love is just "being treated like a person" and what the author describes as respect is "being treated as an authority." This definition makes unconditional love an understandable request: Everyone should be treated like a human being no matter what. But it makes unconditional respect an authoritarian proposition: You must treat me as an authority no matter what. The author is defending husbands for not treating their wives like human beings because their wives don't treat them like an authority.

The part about the dude forgetting his wife's birthday is so telling about how men are taught to blame all their feelings, like shame, on others, while women are taught to always blame themselves first.

I clicked this video as soon as I saw the thumbnail because HOOO BOY my partner and I got married last year and this was the book our pastor recommended we read while we went through pre-marital counseling. Neither of us completely read through the book, but I will say a major thing that turned me off from it was how it made the "improved marriages" sound so... transactional? I think I remember reading an anecdote about one woman that would occasionally dress up nice/sexy for her husband when he got home from work and then he in turn would either help her with chores or gave her part of his paycheck as an allowance (I don't remember which, but it gave me major ICK). Like, okay, I guess my purpose as a wife is to be a sexual object for my husband to ogle and then MAYBE he'll help me out every once in a while? I don't know. It's hard to articulate, but it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Another issue I had with the book was how black and white it made the traits seem between genders. Like men only need respect and women only need love because they're "built different." No. I am a firm believer that a ton of gender differences in our society are based more on socialization than anything. We socialize men to reject their emotions and to remain stoic, we socialize women to be submissive and therefore less likely to set boundaries - and this makes it SEEM LIKE men "only need respect" and women "only need love." But there is a root cause of those "differences" and this book doesn't have the depth to even consider that. Anyway. Sorry for the rant LMAO!! Can't wait to watch the rest of this video!

No one is required to forgive their abuser. There's so much pressure to "forgive" even if no forgiveness has been so much as asked for and what does that really even mean? In my experience it's just another way of saying "why can't you just get over it". Sure, I've tried to, I've pretended to, I don't talk to most people about how angry I still am. Turns out I can't just turn that off because I don't like being angry. But really that's just how emotions work. And absolutely under no circumstances should anyone be expected to let their abuser back into their life, that's fucked up.

I’m not usually for banning books, but this one seems like it should be.

I'm right with you when it comes to not forgiving those who have abused you. If you've grown up in a Christian environment you'll have heard that you have to forgive "seven times seventy". If you are in a subordinate position (like a child or a wife in "traditional" relationships), you keep on forgiving and being abused. The message you end up getting is, "I deserve to be abused." So, for me, not forgiving was a liberation. It was about saying that I'm worth more than the abuser wants me to believe.

I actually find the phrase “All you need is love” rings true. If you have love at a base, everything else - mutual respect, empathy, understanding - comes by themselves. If you’re annoyed at your partner because they’re clearing their throat, then you do not love them. If you come home after a trip and get annoyed cause you wanted to have sex but your partner is busy, you do not love them. If you cheat, you do not love them. Maybe it’s naive and simplistic, but I genuinely believe true love is the base for having a healthy relationship. If you’re abusive you don’t love your partner. What you love is having someone who you can manipulate. This book is written by a misogynistic man who absolutely loathes his partner. PS. Never apologize for Kyra! We love hearing her. It’s an adorable background noise.

I think these authors only believe believe severe physical abuse is *actual* abuse. 🤢

37:21 I should mention that my mother uses the inverse of this model to abuse my father. When I would point out the horrible way she'd treat him - tear him down, hit him, scream at him, never give him a moment's peace, etc - she'd say "well he deserves it because X and he doesn't really love me". I was taught the "love and respect" rhetoric at my church and I'd point out to her "you never show dad any respect" and she'd claim he doesn't deserve it because "he spends too much time at work" or "I told him to do X and he didn't do it right". In the end, it's a bullshit model for relationships and gives people excuses to abuse each other. It's rhetoric that needs to die.

so many women were basically taught "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit" about literally every part of their lives, and that love/marriage is basically a romanticized "beautiful sacrifice" to fill their "role" in life. Often what they describe as "love" is just familiarity; and they go on to live the idiom "familiarity breeds contempt" rather than modeling true love (you know, the kind where familiarity creates understanding, which makes stronger bonds).

One of the most important things I've learned from my psychologist is that forgiveness is overrated. This idea of forgiving your abuser is just another way of victim-shaming. Hopefully, you love your partner. Otherwise it would be odd to be together. But some days, when you are really frustrated with your partner, you may not always like them. This is a short-term emotion, and it may seem to conflict with the love, but it actually doesn't, because you will like each other again soon. But if this happens constantly, then something is wrong. The couple where he gets upset, because she doesn't run into the bedroom, when he wants it: He's a CHILD!!! Adult life doesn't work that way! It may not always be fun, but when you have a family, then your intimate life comes after doctors' appointments, football practice and shopping for new winter boots. There may only be time for it between 21:30 and 22:00, and so what? Being an adult sucks sometimes, and we just have to live with it. At the same time as he allows these men to behave like children, he also looks upon women as children. This can never give a healthy relationship. Emmerson Eggerichs keeps rambling about respect, but what these women really need is self-respect before this kills them.

Everyone deserves basic respect. But when many men say they expect respect in the context of a marriage, what they're expecting is SUBMISSIVENESS and SUBSERVIENCE. Respect is not what they're asking for. And extending the "respect" that they are asking for means debasing yourself in order to hold them up.

"You don't have to forgive people to move on." This. These words hit me so hard. As a SA survivor I'm only starting to realize that I can live my life and still hate the person who did it to me. My forgiveness is precious and I don't have to give it to everyone.

I’m just starting the video but THANK YOU for continuously focusing on how normalized domestic abuse is in our culture and helping to educate people on it. It’s invaluable and sadly it’s a topic that could be covered forever, and I really appreciate how you’ve been making great videos against abuse for years now. I’ve learned a lot from you, thank you

For the loving someone but not liking them bit, I remember reading a story where a woman's daughter sided with her bio dad, who was abusive over the mom. The daughter knew he was abusive but just didn't care and even seemed to doubt what she had seen her dad do. The woman talked about how she loves her daughter but couldn't stand being around her as long as she sided with her father and I would describe that as a form of loving someone but nit liking them. I think the dudes who said their wives don't like them were just stupid and can't imagine a world outside the idealized 50s.

I needed to forgive MYSELF after leaving an abusive relationship, I was so angry with myself for putting up with it. I think this should be put out more...LOVE the snoring from your dog :)

I love a marriage book where a guy just drums up a whole bunch of weirdly specific scenarios involving a type of woman with a type of personality he absolutely detests and then tries to make a heterosexual relationship sound like the most awkward and painful experience you can possibly imagine. I love being gay when people like this are actively sabotaging relationships for other couples.

Thank you for covering this book, Rachel! I was personally affected by this book as I read it as a teenager and did not fully realize how wrong it was until I broke up with my abusive ex and realized that he had not respected me during our entire marriage. I honestly thought that love was all I needed. But love cannot exist without respect.

As a male survivor of intimate partner violence/psychological abuse I really appreciate you mentioning us and bringing to light instances of women abusing men too. It makes me feel less alone in the world and that my feelings are heard and valid. My ex-girlfriend was the Queen of justifying her abuse and gaslighting me into thinking that I was the abusive one. She unknowingly point for point regurgitated this book to me. Every little thing was a slight against her or disrespectful toward her, but if I brought up a hard boundary and tried enforcing that boundary she'd fly off the handle, berate me, stomp all over said boundary and tell me having boundaries and trying to enforce them was abusive.

OMG, I remember this one. I grew up in a Southern Baptist church and I was raised with all kinds of toxic ideas about how love and relationships are supposed to be. Not to mention all the nonsense purity culture taught me about sex. (Thankfully, I broke away from the church, reprogrammed myself of a lot of the horrific things I'd been taught, moved further left, got over my internalized homophobia about my own bisexuality, and married a great guy who shares my values.) My first relationship, unfortunately, was not great. I was abused emotionally, though I'm grateful we never got past dating. If we'd gotten married I'm sure he'd have put his hands on me eventually. Our parents bought this book and told us we needed to read it when they noticed we were fighting all the time. (In reality, he was picking fights then turning it back on me, somehow convincing me they were my fault and that I was just a terrible person.) I remember the crazy cycle coming up and the guy pretty much saying that it was the woman's responsibility to de-escalate, pretty much saying that you had to admit you were wrong to pander to the guy's ego because he was never going to hurt his pride by breaking the cycle and admitting he did anything wrong. And I was like 'wait, if we're fighting and he's been nasty to me why do I have to put aside hurt feelings to salve his ego? Why is that my responsibility? Why can't we both be adults and just talk to each other? I deserve love AND respect, and so does he.' But it's designed this way on purpose. Respect is considered superior in the equation so of course the man has to have it more than the woman. In the end, I found the guy I was dating neither loved nor respected me, so I broke it off. He was pissed off that I made the decision, asked me out again, I kept saying no, was pressured by my family to give it another try, and finally did, and he dumped me two weeks later so he could have the last word. That same year, I met the man who would eventually become my husband, and I realized that I'd been treated like trash in that other relationship. It was night and day. We are both neurodivergent, which really helps with being transparent. If we try passive-aggressive behavior the other one WILL NOT get the hint. We talk things out. We treat each other with respect. It means we don't fight much. We both deserve love and respect and don't feel the need to sacrifice either.

About the birthday forgetting, he could have just said sorry. Like technically it should be on the calendar, but really, all you had to do was say sorry and see if there was another way to celebrate her birthday.

I was in a 10 yr relationship with my 1st son's father and he was exactly this. Thoughtless, disrespectful etc. He never thought of me when he would stop at the coffee shop otw home and never get me 1 for example or he would forget my birthday or our anniversary dates etc. And at the beginning when we were in our teens I thought it was okay. But as we grew up, learned wisdom and learned each other habits and the actions still went on it became a huge problem in our relationship. Feeling like your walking on eggshells is a terrible feeling.

It’s also hard to leave the abuse even if you do know it’s abusive. It can wear you down so bad mentally the abuse is almost even comforting in a bizarre way. You feel as if you need this person if they are mentally abusive and make you feel that way, if they cut you off from friends and/or family. They make you remember the good times and forget the horrible. It’s awful.

Love and respect aren't mutually exclusive entities. In fact, they're more symbiotic than anything. If you actually love someone, you have respect for them as well. If you don't respect them, then what you're feeling towards them is infatuation, or sexual attraction. If you respect someone you do feel a slight modicum of love for that person. Now, this might not be romantic love, but it is still a type of love. The main reason why marriages based purely on love fail is that they weren't looking to find someone whom they can allow for their love for each other evolve over time as they also evolve as individuals. This also hinges on open and honest communication between those involved. This is why it's best for the initial, physical aspect of a relationship to run its course before diving into marriage. Make sure that you can still have the same goals after that phase before making that level of commitment.

Being raised by a dad w/ narcissistic personality disorder (&enabling mom) came w/ years of unexplainable emotional trauma. I always felt responsible for what was being done to me. Thus, this vicious circle continued in my adulthood as my 1st serious love/partner treated me w/ these same familiar cycles of narcissistic abuse. It took me 23 years to truly identify what has been done to me but I still struggle to validate my own experiences (not self-gaslight) & shed my guilt/shame/worthlessness/instability etc. Using ur platform & own experiences to talk about these painful&vulnerable topics means a lot to me (& so many others). Thanks for speaking on all of these things.

What the heck, humans never fail to disappoint with their complete lack of compassion or empathy for others. How you could write these words and think 'yeah, this is healthy' is beyond me

Regarding the whole "loving someone but not liking them" thing, this is usually something said in regards to relatives - generally extended family that you care for but don't particularly get on well with. It's very rarely said about family that you live with, and when it is, it's usually about siblings where at least one is a minor. Because once you're an adult and you get to choose who you spend most of your time with, you are in fact supposed to like the people you live with, especially if you've made a commitment to them.

My old church uses this book in their marriage counseling...every day I recognize more toxic things that I have to unlearn.

I can’t remember where I heard it, but there’s a distinction between a normal person’a idea of won’t respect in a relationship and the Love & Respect respect that the phrase spoke to. Paraphrasing: There’s at least two different sorts of respect that people have. One is respect for others being humans and treating them compassionately out of that respect. The other is respect for authority. When some people say that they won’t respect you if you don’t respect them, what they really mean is “Unless you treat me like an authority, why should I care about respecting your humanity?” Paraphrase over. Source unknown, not me though. Love and respect, with yoinking respect out of love, definitely has that vibe with regards to the respect understanding.

"Sorry, Wife, I couldn't be bothered to remember your birthday because I was too busy thinking my hefty man-thoughts."

So glad that Kira made an appearance today. She always makes these hard topics a little bit easier to watch.

A love without respect is fake love. Most people are in denial of this because of their personal fears and limited understanding of mutual respect.

Every toxic relationship guru makes some perfunctory words about "abuse" not being ok.

Dude needs to read the long part in Corinthians about love. I am absolutely positive it'll be his first time.

It seems that Emerson's definition of "disrespecting" a husband largely boils down to a wife standing up for herself, having needs that are independent of her husbands desires, asking for help (particularly with housework and childcare), and telling him no.

I love this video as a 7 year abused survivor i can for surely say when i wasn't being physically abused i did not realise i was still being abused. With books like this it can harm so many people. Also, so many writers of books like this fail to realise that men can also be abused. Its disgusting the way people are. i'd like to say anymore but people have been this way for a very long time, just no one wanted to bring it up. Thank you Rachael and thank you Kyra . I love and appreciate you both.

I have heard this "love vs. respect" thing from fundies before. Shouldn't those two things go hand in hand? But when you get married at 20 to the only person you've ever dated; I mean, courted; I'm not sure the love is deep enough to include respect.

Love and respect very much go hand in hand for me too - in the instance of the husband wanting a romantic intimate interlude without a prior check-in with his wife, and then is put out when the wife is beset with other responsibilities besides satisfying his libido, *he* has not *respected* her time and needs by not communicating, and expecting her to drop her plans for him! If the husband in that scenario had called and mentioned he was coming home early and was hoping for some intimate time, his wife could either have made time for him (maybe sent the kids to a friend's house for a bit) or could have said she had immovable appointments or a crisis and said "that sounds lovely, but I'll have to take a raincheck." And how happy would she be if he responded with "oh boy, sounds rough, anything I can do to help?" Ugh. People. Please communicate. And be respectful! To everyone.

Oof! My husband’s uncle gifted us this book when we got married in 2005 with a note saying it would help us build a strong foundation for our marriage (because the 4 years we’d spent together before marriage didn’t, I guess…). We read the cover and laughed and immediately tossed it in the trash. I think we made the right call!

I absolutely despise it when people take their anecdotes and apply that to gender and relationships as a whole. "My dad did this, therefore men do this", that kind of thing

I was required to read this book before marrying my husband. We tried to read it together and got about halfway through before we called it quits.

i really appreciate you going in depth on how most victims don’t think they will become a victim until they are one, and how hard it is to recognize that you’re in an abusive situation. i think more people really need to realize that

If someone doesn’t respect you, they don’t really love you. No matter what sex you are. It’s pretty simple, actually.

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I am a Christian woman. I always found the relationship books marketed to my demographic skizzy. When I was younger I couldn't tell you why exactly only that they were wrong. Now as a older more experienced person I agree with you. Many of the teach learned helplessness is how to show love. It is easy to convince many religious women of this being right because it's not a far step off from where religion asks you to go. No I never took any advice from there kinds of books.

God I hope Emberson's wife leaves him

dear fundies: there is a big difference between compliance and respect. What you're asking for is compliance. Obedience. You're looking for a dog, not an equal partner.

As a man who survived an abusive relationship…. I am horrified by this book. I always was so disgusted by any guy mentioning “my wife better serve me or I’ll remind her where else I can go” (or anything along those lines) And oh lord, if my ex and I had’ve read this book together, she would have easily used it against me No disrespect to any Christians reading this but I was TERRIFIED that she’d try to get me to see a Christian therapist (I begged her for couples therapy and she always refused), because I was cared the Christian therapist would say “you don’t need to be independent anymore; you need to live for her!!!!”

Excellent commentary. I very much appreciate hearing your thoughts on this sort of topic. Thank you

It sounds like the man who came home from his business trip had his argument not because he didn't show her love, but because he didn't respect her, or her time and plans, or even the things she did for their family.

The kind of man who needs "unconditional respect," who is incapable not only of owning and changing his flaws and mistakes, but who is wounded by the mere mention that he might be less than perfect, is a man who has my heart felt pity. I would be ashamed to be such a kind of man. I suppose men who feel this way do go around just ashamed of themselves all over the place... or at least they should, I guess.

I have been in a phase of "deconstructing" my Christian faith for many months now. Seeing videos like these just push me closer and closer to "deconversion" altogether.