This Is What Your Addicted Loved One Is Telling Others About You!

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This Is What Your Addicted Loved One Is Telling Others About You!

Рет қаралды 58,602

Күн бұрын

Have you noticed that friends and family don't believe you when you're talking about what's happening with your addicted loved one? Have you noticed friends and family are looking at you differently? Why is everyone looking at you like you're the crazy one? The truth is that your addicted loved one could be spreading untruths about you! In this video, we're going to look at what people struggling with addictions frequently tell other people about their close relatives.
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Пікірлер: 577

@anthonyrossmaund3161 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks!

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

You you so much for your kindness and generosity, Anthony! 😍🙏🏻

@anthonyrossmaund3161 2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown your welcome, thank for this safe space! I get a lot out of your channel and appreciate all of the supports here!

@tracyspellman2181 2 жыл бұрын

Love the channel and your slow Southern style !

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

@@tracyspellman2181 thanks Tracy!

@beabeauchamp956 2 жыл бұрын

Both my adult addicts blame me. It's all good I am done.i am 65 yrs old. Time to take care of ME

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

💖

@lynyeliga5251 2 жыл бұрын

Just turned 65,l wish we could be buddies. Stay safe.

@beabeauchamp956 2 жыл бұрын

@@lynyeliga5251 where do you live ?Just state or province would be good.

@beabeauchamp956 2 жыл бұрын

Lyn hello maybe we can chat some time hope you are well

@marylynnejackson530 Жыл бұрын

Yup 😁

@mermaid2997 Жыл бұрын

I have learned in my years and years of living with an alchoholic that everything he throws at me is what he actually is. I don't react anymore, just let him talk. He gets furious and eventually stops trying to get me to react. I'm trying very hard to get out of this marriage - but it's so frustratingly difficult to get away from a person who is hell bent on making you stay in the situation or he will lash out at family. I'm getting my finances together so I can get out and get away.wish me luck

@checktheweather Жыл бұрын

Prayer's up! Many blessings!

@mariamargut7063 Жыл бұрын

Good luck Sis ❤

@kaylaschroeder1 Жыл бұрын

You got this!!! 💪🏼

@davidharrington5287 Жыл бұрын

Good luck. he did not take you of you?? Poor baby. Now it is time to take care of yourself.

@channyl252 10 ай бұрын

Any updates? How are you!? Did you get away from him? ❤

@amandaleakay Жыл бұрын

1. Controlling, no boundaries, always in their business 2. Critical, can't do anything to make you happy, always bringing up their flaws 3. You have mental issues 4. You have an anger management problem 5. You overreact, emotional wreck 6. You're abusive and mean 7. You don't believe in them They LIE in order to keep the addiction going. Or they actually believe those things about you. Distorted thinking.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

💯💯💯💯💯💯

@Liz-in8lu 9 ай бұрын

Thank you! Yes he has hit all 7 of those and it’s jaw dropping. No one has said I’m like that ever in my life

@lazyezmerelda 8 ай бұрын

wow. For me these things looked like this, only in different words. Very covert words. 1. "Why don't you like me?"(everytime I tried to address issues. 2. Your mother just lost it(when I fought back against his anger)3. Can you say that more respectfully(when I try to talk calmly to him about issues 4. I just have deeper emotions then most(when he defends himself against my telling him about his pervading , dominating, moods that cause us all to either fear, be confused, have deep sorrow for him, or want to run away 5. There are just some things you don't tell your wife(when I caught him lying to me for no reason about the fact that he had wine, I didn't know he was an alcoholic, I just asked him, because, my son told me he had wine(my son was worried about his drinking))6. You never believed me (when I revealed to him, how I now see how he had hurt me in so many ways, how my eyes were opening to everything). Thank you for this. It helps to see it.

@wackywally69420 7 ай бұрын

OH MY GOD HE DOES THAT im not crazy holy

@Jasmine-on7rh 7 ай бұрын

Also you’re the reason why they don’t have any money, or don’t have time to do X, or are not doing what they’re supposed to do…

@arock7462 2 жыл бұрын

Block them. Walk away. Let go . Let God.

@whiteybopbop9232 Жыл бұрын

I wish I could 😪

@arock7462 Жыл бұрын

@@whiteybopbop9232 you can!!! You deserve to experience a good day/life.

@ritannaji492 2 ай бұрын

It’s hard . Especially when it’s someone you care about

@alexf1960 Ай бұрын

I tried doing that with my alcoholic daughter until I found her curled up in the fetal position wet and cold on the bank of a stream. I’ve heard people say they need to hit rock bottom. Well that was rock bottom for me. She is now in detox and will be going to rehab god willing.

@lazyezmerelda Жыл бұрын

When my husband came out of detox, he stood there, looked me straight in the face and talked about how nice the people in that place were, and how evil me and my boys are and were, because of the stand we took. I was sooo livid, let him have it, and just left it like that. It was so hurtful and terrible, to see him actually blame us. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. And, really, there had been years of kissing his feet and telling him what he wanted to hear all the time, so, we were done.

@jensheedy 9 ай бұрын

So you ended it? My husband is in detox (again) and I am trying to decide what to do.

@lazyezmerelda 9 ай бұрын

Before this exchange with him, he asked me if I would welcome him back. I told him not to come home and to go get help so that he could return. Since then, he stone walled all of his children and myself, did not work to do anything to make himself better. Stayed at hotels, spending 15,000.00 from our joint account , and then, after doing nothing, he sent an ominous email to me stating he was returning, no matter what we think, told me he would stop drinking, "If necessary". So, I got scared, and got a protection order, he hasn't returned since. He is currently living in a so called "sober living" home, and talks behind my back to one of my sons, spewing hate and confusion. He can barely function at this point, he can't take care of his own life(this was a highly intelleigent man at one point), can't figure out basic things that he used to be able to do. It's very heart breaking. He lies behind my back telling people that I kept his children from him. BUT, I'll say, life here is 100% better without him. We are so much more free and happy! Since he has been gone, new realizations of things we put up with come up and I can't believe what I allowed him to do.

@jennielamgibson 8 ай бұрын

Prayers 🙏

@lazyezmerelda 8 ай бұрын

Thank you@@jennielamgibson

@talltale3952 8 ай бұрын

@@jensheedy he has to successfully live at a halfway house - my cousin who lost two sons they have to live someplace that sucks so they will realize how messed up they are and hopefully not go back

@galecreek 2 жыл бұрын

Freedom from their nonsense is a beautiful thing. But, it takes a lot to get there.

@stephendeunk9294 Жыл бұрын

I never understood why I was being considered a villain and why people were believing it and turning on me until I saw this. This is exactly what happened… it was so painful to go through and to be hurt like that but now I understand how and why that happened. This will help me bring myself back to myself, and bring some healing. Thank you so much.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad this was helpful to your Stephen!

@TeaRose9 8 ай бұрын

Same for me.

@carolyngray2847 5 ай бұрын

I've also heard most of these directly to me. It's been 10 years of deep sadness to see.

@risingfromtheashes3642 Жыл бұрын

When I was an alcoholic this is exactly what I was ...... An absolute bastard I see that now..... My life has changed since realising this exact message

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Impressive humility and honesty!

@risingfromtheashes3642 Жыл бұрын

Lots of prayer 🙏

@sagrammyfour Жыл бұрын

I was the love of his life until I confronted him with his alcoholism and his absolute denial. I was astounded at the amount of hate and anger aimed at me for just saying the truth. I have never been hated before by anyone, and it's a shock that I am now suddenly despised by someone who a few days ago adored me for years. I am now preparing for him to blame me, telling everyone it's all my fault. Now that I don't have to excuse and cover for him any more, I like the idea I can be honest about everything to anyone, ESPECIALLY MYSELF. I can't do anything about what others believe about me, it but hope someday they know the TRUTH.

@javierlatorre5754 2 ай бұрын

Like RuPaul says... "what other people think of me, is none of my business"

@pattymaine1 2 жыл бұрын

I have heard all these from my alcoholic, that I have anger issues, I need help, I'm over emotional, I can't control myself, I'm nagging... literally all of this!

@jacquelinehunt7794 11 ай бұрын

All alcoholics blame other people I think it’s cause they are ashamed .

@sz4179 Ай бұрын

@@jacquelinehunt7794 it's because engaging in fighting distracts from what THEY are doing! As she is describing in this video. Wow..this explains so much. Really hard to put aside the anger ect, but yeah, they manipulate us to no end

@meganlarsen3797 2 жыл бұрын

Oh my gawd! The controlling thing...the negative thing....oh they crazy thing as well....oh my the anger thing...over reaction....omg all of this....even the abusive thing! Oh thank you thank you thank you!

@cinaferguson752 Жыл бұрын

Oh my … I have never felt so validated I mean HE SAYS EVERY ONE OF THOSE SAME WORDS AND IN THAT ORDER💯

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad this was helpful, Cina! 😁

@cinaferguson752 Жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown so glad I found you and I do not feel so alone now!

@eileenmacdougall8945 Жыл бұрын

After 20 years of the monster that's addition move in with us, I'm finding it hard to even get myself to listen to anyone about it. But you Amber, knock it out of the park. God bless you for really caring.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Thank you Eileen. I'm just glad these videos are a bit of light in such a dark situation.

@taliaarte Жыл бұрын

Great advice. I'd never thought about them actually trying to start the arguments just to piss someone off and then blame them and ask, what did I do? When I react. Like right now the husband is doing things that he knows bother me, but I've, just through watching the videos, just been able to maintain my own peace to be able to just ignore it. Stay composed. And keep calm. You're absolutely right about taking ammo away from them. What can they say to you, if you literally don't react to the negative behavior.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

You're getting an A+++++++, Talia!

@Eburke38 Жыл бұрын

This is so tough but true.

@Alice-sw9hf 7 ай бұрын

It's called going 'Grey Rock'.

@TeaRose9 8 ай бұрын

This is exactly what the addict husband did to me and taught our children to believe and treat me abusively just as he did. It was unbelievable to me and took me years to realize what had happened. Once I learned about addiction everything became clear.

@JodieTarot Жыл бұрын

The most hurtful thing I know my addicted ex was was telling other people... because he'd said it to my face during an unnecessary argument he'd created to go score... he said that I was angry and jealous when he made contact with his small children from a previous relationship.. he said he was going to see them.. he didn't, he went to score! My heart dropped in that moment!!! I'd spent years encouraging him to call them, visit them, buy them presents for their birthday's, I'd even bought them presents. Never had I once been funny about him talking to his children. He'd made no effort whatsoever with them for years and I do believe that I'm either the "reason" now or will be in time. That saddens me more than anything. I have a baby with him and 3 incredible sons from my previous relationship!!! Yeah.. got called crazy, got blamed for cheating daily but what hurt most was him saying that about his children!!! Free from all of it now!!!! 8 years, 17 police reports, 2 social service assessments later👀🙉 I got to the point where I got sick of trying to assess him and the situation!!! FREEDOM💃

@natvigo3008 Жыл бұрын

This was so unbelievably validating to hear. It is scary how socially isolated you can become because of the ways loved ones prioritize and defend addiction. This video gave me some hope to hear that there are ways to approach a loved one without losing your mind but also without enabling or losing the person. thank you for sharing

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Thanks Nat, I'm so glad this was helpful!

@betsyrossispissedoff4259 2 жыл бұрын

Oh my gosh!! Thank you SOOOO much for this! I have been lied about SO much behind my back by my eldest daughter,it has actually COST me family and old friends! They finally told me that she was telling them things when they would run into her at her job in supermarket! I am a little intuitive, and I FELT that their behavior towards me had changed and couldn't understand WHY. She told them that I was only working 3 days a week, leaving her to pay all of the bills by herself. Actually, things were just quite the opposite! And I DID lose my mind! Trust me, it felt like gaslighting....I never got a chance to confront her about it until a few years later, when she needed support and came back home. She kind of shrugged it off ,like it was no big deal....I also have guardianship of her now 8 yo and have since he was 4 months old. Now her trick is to lie to her son about me. I won't give her the satisfaction of losing it. And now I won't be a victim,either. It's none of my business what anybody else thinks of me.

@betsyrossispissedoff4259 2 жыл бұрын

I also don't get on her about her drinking. She actively drinks in the house and the only thing I ask of her is to stop leaving her nip bottles around. I have never nagged her because I know it won't me anywhere.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

"It's none of my business what anybody else thinks of me" -Love this. Of my my really good recovery friends told me this years ago and it's always stuck with me!

@lynyeliga5251 2 жыл бұрын

Social services got my grandniece first. When l got to downtown court ., making inquiries about guardianship , the lady said too late , when social service got their hook on the baby , you cannot fight social services. You are doing good work with yourself. Stay safe . No money to the daughter, ever.

@PhoenixRising858 Жыл бұрын

If she’s lying to her own child about you while you’ve raised her child, I’m not sure why you’ve let her back. I am def not judging you at all ❤. It gets confusing, and the lies and gaslighting really are crazy making.

@deb9784 Жыл бұрын

Watching the kids deal with the insanity and drama is so heart breaking! I have two great neices and a great nephew strughling to survive instability and addiction! They stayed with me three months, and loved the stability! 😖

@MomsAcevedo 2 жыл бұрын

I was his "crazy" scapegoat for over 10 years. When I quit reacting, he left me for another woman.

@kareenodum1734 2 ай бұрын

I’m so sorry that happened.😢

@tammylombra 25 күн бұрын

That's one if my fears. Keeps me stuck. We have been together 33 yrs.

@mygoodnessdarlin 2 жыл бұрын

Most brilliant lady on the internet. So true. The addict trash talks the non-addicted person. The addict presents as a sad poor little victim of the big bad non-addict. And when the addict spouse trash talks the non-addict spouse to another poor poor pitiful addict, that other poor poor addict starts trash talking their spouse. They have a pity party together, replete with alcohol/drugs/addictive supply. The addicts begins the loud Cooter Brown Cauterwauling together. The mating call of two addicts together. The bonding at the pity party. And then, Hello Limerence, The Mother of All Addictions. Chemicals such as ETOH are exogenous triggers of an endogenous physiological system.Amber NAILS it. Don't take their bait. They are hung over? Say nothing. They left the kitchen a mess? Say nothing. They lie to you? Ignore it. They get a dopamine boost from lying, deceit, conflict, and fear. When you get mad at them or they feel they have to sneak around, they get a " dopamine chaser" . Don't give them the dopamine chaser. Smile. Chin up. Don't fall into the pit with them.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Wow, mygoodnessdarlin! I can feel your passion for the topic 💖

@nessauk2786 Жыл бұрын

Well said

@harmonywhite9320 Жыл бұрын

Such a great point about the dopamine boost/reward. ..I wonder if this is similar to "duper's delight" 🤔

@tonirad9577 6 ай бұрын

I loved this comment . I could write a book on my co-dependency , bad relationships with covert narcissists and addicts . I have persevered through raising a child with BPD and mental illness to now raising grandsons one like his mother. But my husband relapsing after 5 happy years of sobriety has been almost too much to bear . I am trying to " chin up " through listening to all his crap but the DUI and running over a stop sign and all the legal and monetary ramifications of that are really hard to swallow . And somehow , to this 57 year old man , it is not a big deal .....

@llkellenba Жыл бұрын

This addiction behavior has a number of parallels with narcissistic personality disorder manipulation…externalizing and thus blaming to avoid all accountability

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

For sure!

@stewpuddy4161 Жыл бұрын

I've just recently found this channel. It's really helping me cope with the mess I'm in with my alcoholic spouse. Thank you Amber.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Hi Shawn, Welcome to our little community. So glad you're here!

@Alberini89 Жыл бұрын

This honestly is the most accurate thing I’ve ever listened to!!! My ex husband tells everyone literally every single thing you listed!!!!! WOW

@tevans5154 Жыл бұрын

Same here

@ajm1984 2 жыл бұрын

I just learned about your channel a couple of days ago and I absolutely LOVE it!! I'm even listening to your videos in the background during work! I have learned so much in so little time and the Information that I've learned is a blessing!! I'm currently struggling with an alcoholic loved one who has broken my heart. Your videos have helped me not only learn about addiction, but they have helped me cope with tremendous pain I've been suffering with! Amber, I just want to thank you SO MUCH for what you are doing! You and your crew are AMAZING and the work you are doing is so important! Please don't stop! You are doing more than just helping relationships between addicts and loved ones, your suggestions can really help keep addicts on the right path and that means saving lives!!! God bless you!! ♥️

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Wow! Thank you so much DaUniQuest1! It warms my heart knowing these videos are helping others. That's what keeps me making them. 💖

@juliesmith6168 Ай бұрын

My alcoholic husband constantly told my two young sons that I was the bad guy. He’d constantly push my buttons, push me to my limits and so I’d lose my temper! My son’s have grown up hating me. Even to this day, my eldest son blames me for the divorce. My ex husband has recently died because of his addiction to alcohol, and now I’m being blamed for his death. To compound this, I grew up in a toxic environment because of an abusive father. I’m so sad I didn’t get the support I needed all those years ago. Thankfully there are people like you who now fully understand the far reaching problems alcoholism causes. Thank you.

@ThePortalTheory Жыл бұрын

O.M.G. Holy sh.. he totally fished hooked me 30min ago. I never saw it like this. Omg. Thank you for this video. Now I have to figure out how to not engage. ❤️ to all. (Omg holding my tongue is going to be rough)

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

You're going to be 5 steps ahead next time! 😎

@katherinequesada7382 11 ай бұрын

After banging my head against the wall enough times I hit my bottom and drew my boundaries meaning I had to ask them to leave my home. So until they get into real recovery, all I can do is pray. In the meantime, I have serenity in the midst of this season of detachment. God and only God is why I can exist with a peace that is unexplainable. It's still sucks but I have hope!

@Mike__G 10 ай бұрын

My alcoholic 34-year-old son takes to texting to direct his abuse at his mother and me. I never realized that we were such awful people hell-bent on destroying his life. In spite of the fact that we have spent thousands of dollars bailing him out of poor choices, rehab and paying his rent when he lost jobs (I’ve lost count of how many) to say nothing to untold hours agonizing and praying over his self-destructive behaviour. And the filth, anger and stupid nonsense in his language goes well beyond anything I’ve experienced in my 66 years on this earth. He has done his best and succeeded for far too long in weaponizing our love for him. I can’t believe the gall of someone that would do that! I have suppressed my anger so many times, I’ve lost count. Well, no more. There’s nothing further his mother and I can do for him. He’s on his own and good luck to him.

@shaunnamcdonald8782 2 жыл бұрын

What do you do when your in a relationship with an addict that is also borderline personality disorder. No matter how wonderful you are to them they will tear you down and lie about you to their clients, family, etc to gain sympathy and make people, especially women, feel sorry for them. Chronic gaslighting is their thing.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Hi Shaunna Take a look at this video by about BPD. I saw it this morning. It's in response to the Johnny Depp Amber Heard case, but it describes BPD thinking and behavior really well. kzfaq.info/get/bejne/fMmbZ9ehy7a7ZIk.html

@nessauk2786 Жыл бұрын

Yes I'm going through this ....

@jacquelineramagano6572 Ай бұрын

I’m 65 years old also. My adult son is a recovering alcoholic. I’m a nurse, employed for the past 14 years at a substance abuse treatment center. I want to thank you so much for these videos. Despite my education & work experience, I’m still manipulated. The gaslighting & emotional blackmail are so hurtful & psychologically damaging. At this stage of my life, I do need to take care of me.

@PutTheShovelDown Ай бұрын

I’m so had to hear these videos are still helpful for you even though you have lots of experience. It happens to all of us (me included!)

@cremafrangipane3291 2 жыл бұрын

Amber, the minute I saw this title I winced and my heart started beating! This is one of the top, top, top reasons I struggle with my boyfriend's addiction, also because since I have no hard proof he's really saying these things it's like my imagination is doing more damage! Although like someone said in the chat he's said some of these things to my face. This falls under the umbrella of feeling like I'm being treated like an idiot, because if he has buddies that enable his addiction then he's probably cheering with them (or inside himself) when he thinks he's gotten away with another lie or hidden his use. As if being gaslit and manipulated weren't enough, it feels like he has a team and it makes me want to shake him and scream "Why are you with me if I'm so awful?! Just go!! You could easily find a girl who would be all for you using instead of me." Anyway, thank you for another video that helps me feel less alone and less crazy. My boyfriend doesn't know yet that I know about his active use and your videos have kept me from saying things and acting in ways I would regret despite how hurt I feel until I figure out how to confront him. Because you're also so right about how some of those things are true as they have been in the past with me, and the info you share has helped me want to try something different. I know his behavior isn't truly personal because of how addiction works, but it sure feels like it is.

@comeon_man 11 ай бұрын

Careful Keep boundaries Say no to co dependence

@TeaRose9 8 ай бұрын

I went through this same scenario with my addict husband. Exhausting.

@Alice-sw9hf 7 ай бұрын

Don't react and when you're ready get them out and go no contact

@jdlife9597 2 жыл бұрын

OMG! There it is, the nail on the head. This must be a divine intervention. I am going to listen to this again and again. I've wanted an action or a way to get thru this horror of a relationship with my abusive adult son. I'm taking the bait. Now the bait is my first grandchild. I am miserable and I sometimes think he enjoys being mean to me.

@robinoconnor8416 Жыл бұрын

On I can relate..I'm on my last attempt. He has nowhere to go after his gma kicked him out after a drug induced drama scene. I called 911 requested psych emergency hoping hospital would hold him for a few days..They released him next day..He went back to his glad and she didn't let him in. Cops came and served an epo. He sat down the road with a broken foot and 2bags of personal belongings. After the cops called me to ask if I was come get him and initially said no, when it was almost dark I have in only did to his broken foot, and expected extreme heat the next day. 24 hrs later already regret ring my decision. I've found him a rehab and giving him 3days to check in.. I'm done. He's 40 and been dealing with this 22 yrs. Cant, refuse to anymore. I'm in therapy and I'm finally putting my needs first..Prayers and hugs.

@sheilaosmann2238 Жыл бұрын

Amber .. this channel and your expertise has been more appreciated than you will ever know. I am to blame, have been told so and cut out of my adult sons life. His father, also an addict, has tried my sons entire life to get to this end. Meaning he has chosen his Dad and cut me out. His Dad considers this a “win”. The story is long and painful. Thank you for all your efforts !!

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Thanks Sheila! I'm sorry you're in such a crumby situation.

@TheToywa 2 жыл бұрын

My husband has said all of these about me. He is addicted to meth. I have been clean (from coke) for 14 years, but I also deflected with my family. You are speaking my life!

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

It must be extra difficult for you being in recovery yourself. 💖

@TheToywa 2 жыл бұрын

It is! I struggle with having empathy for the addict, not allowing empathy to turn into enabling, lack of power, all that I have been taught in AA. I have to remind myself that this situation applies just as much as my addiction. I have no control. I am powerless. That, coupled with therapy has helped but I still struggle. I love him but he is not the person he once was.

@lynyeliga5251 2 жыл бұрын

Every time I the Addict comes in my house,l am triggered useing my angry voice.l found your videos tonite.thanks.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Hi Lyn, Welcome to our little community! Glad you're here 😁

@sabrinayoung7457 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for this video. My 16.5 year old son has recently started telling his new, “family and friends”, that I am mentally abusive and my husband is physically abusive. And that we have been his entire life. It has been so difficult to listen to him tell people these things when they are far from the truth. I have been working the CRAFT method for months now and my son has started staying away from us more and more with the “new family” because they believe him. They allow him to stay with them because he is safe there and he gets to smoke pot all day. He doesn’t even talk to his childhood friends and has started cutting out the rest of our family including his aunt and grandparents. The other night he came into the house and broke the closet mirror and then took a swing at his father and then walked outside and took scissors and scratched up the hood and sides of the truck. I haven’t talked much to him since. I live in fear of him. I have called the police and they said they can’t do anything about it and won’t hold him. I am so tired of being in fear. He says we are abusive, but it is I that is yelled and screamed at and called named and my things are destroyed. I am not sure what to do until he is 18.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like the other family is not only fueling his addiction, they're also fueling his self-pity. 😓

@aubraehersel7720 Жыл бұрын

He says each and everyone of these things to me. He says it over and over. He has moments of clarity when he is sober and admits its not true, but it always comes back and he says it all over again.

@jillneeld477 Жыл бұрын

“He’s such a nice guy “

@hilarydaly1872 2 жыл бұрын

Your videos are brilliant and so helpful. I love your compassionate but no nonsense approach. Family member in serious addiction right now, in rehab for the 5th or 6th time. For the first time I'm taking an active step back, resisting the drama, and doing some serious self examination, rather than focusing on them.

@gwillis01 2 жыл бұрын

In the famous song by Amy Winehouse "Rehab". she talks quite plainly about playing parents against each other. She brags that her dad was always able to talk her mom out of the idea the situation was dire enough that drastic action was necessary.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

That's exactly right!

@veronicadiaz1513 Жыл бұрын

I think being with an alcoholic is extremely mentally draining. The whole process of protecting your energy, not reacting and living in uncertainty with hopes they change get better. The lies they tell others even when things are better with your treatment to them. They are vampires. Makes me want to be single forever thinking of all the mental games we as humans have to play in. I think I'm just drained.

@nonyabusiness2840 Жыл бұрын

This is so validating. I’m all of these things to him… it’s so hard to walk away but I need to put myself first. I’m left home crying for days and he’s who knows where with a dead phone. Now he will show up and apologize and tell me he loves me and he won’t do it again. I need to kick him out I know I do but it’s so hard because I love him and I know how good he can be I’ve seen him sober and he’s amazing. I have extra patience with him because I am 11 years clean from a heroin addiction so I know and understand what it feels like to be in the grips of it. God give me the strength to make the right decision. Thank you for theses videos they are very helpful.

@debyorkshirelass9674 Жыл бұрын

Im in uk looking for this type of advice, every word you speak is the truth, hostage, trash mouthing, deflection on to others and guilt etc etc. Nearly 8 years now with my youngest 25 year old daughter. Its draining isnt it. Ive been through every bit of emotional blackmail. Ive subscribed because what you have to say is universal advice.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Welcome to our little community, Debyor! So glad you're here.

@Armchair-Investor 26 күн бұрын

I can’t believe how spot on your were about what they say. My spouse says the exact same things to my face. It’s shocking how accurate you are.

@PutTheShovelDown 25 күн бұрын

@@Armchair-Investor thanks Armchair. It’s also shocking how predictable addiction is!

@JeanniePearl1 2 жыл бұрын

Hmmm, my daughter told me I have major anxiety, that she can't do anything right and no matter how hard she tries she can't make me happy. I'm thinking I'm going crazy! This makes so much sense now.

@mtvfv4358 Жыл бұрын

My daughter sounds exactly like your daughter.

@arseen33 Жыл бұрын

I grew up hearing these things and it's extremely comforting to know it's not just me.

@anthonyrossmaund3161 2 жыл бұрын

Awesome topic! I think we all made others to be out the"bad guy". Thank you for always discussing this. I didn't do this but only because I had a lot of enablers in my drug use. No one wanted to see me sick but didn't understand they were helping me make things worse.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks Anthony!

@PhoenixRising858 Жыл бұрын

I’ve been listening to your videos for a few weeks. Somehow, after years of being gaslighted, during a conversation with my manipulative son, I recognized key words you’ve pointed out. Out of the blue (and to my surprise) I told my son, “(Name), never trying pulling that gaslighting card on me again, ever. I am not being dramatic. Your situation is dramatic.” Whoa! He stopped in his tracks. I believe my son learned these tactics from his dad during our marriage as he gaslighted me all our kids’ lives. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your clear and direct no bs approach to teaching and validating what’s been going on for years. Absorbing what you’re teaching gave me the awareness when it happened again to directly address the old trap I fell into (and even climbed into at times) for about 30 years. Better late than never.

@jdxx59 Жыл бұрын

So much easier to divorce a husband than your child. This is agony.

@cindycrawford3891 Жыл бұрын

Everything you said was spot on. I know bc I live it every single day, my son addicted to meth, tells me to my face. And much worse. I'm sitting in my car at 330 am, wondering if I even have a reason to live? Its the worst drug you can imagine, dont know how to cope. Iv been through hell and back several times. Your videos are very helpful for me and god knows im so thankful for you, we've both needed help for so long, iv stood before judges in court pleading with tears to find help, but NEVER received any help. These self help videos helps me and they must help others as well. So much thanks to you am so grateful. Cannot thank you enough, not enough words, thought i was going crazy, glad theres others out there in this world experiencing the same and I'm not alone anymore. Thank you ♥

@danutamaj2115 Жыл бұрын

You are not alone!!! I just posted my short story about meth addicted husband who body kept decomposing in a thick wooded area during 2022 summer and his remains were found in October. This drug makes loved ones a living hell and they all know how to do it just to make sure they won’t be exposed!!!

@glynispalazuelos7216 2 ай бұрын

Great video! So spot on. My daughter just spun me around yesterday. It took me a minute before I realized it, but when I caught on I ended the conversation. Amazing how scary and twisted she can think.

@crobinson9165 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you Amber. I love your work . I send people your way when i get a chance.i caught my alo in an elaborate lie. I lost my temper with him and THEN realized i was codependent after he told me how crazy i was. I'd went into 007 mode, scolded him for acting like a teanager, attacked his manhood. I just wouldnt let up. Up to that point i did ok but.... seems i erased two years of good behavior with one bad day. :( actually what happened was a relaps he didn't want me to find out about because I'd went all in to his recovery. I remember thinking I couldn't take another relaps before I caught him lying. He got mad and left while taking back the christmas present he bought me and half the food in the house. He blocked me. No contact. Since then I've joined two naranon groups and an open sober recovery support group to try and get my thinking right. I think naranon is great for a support system and they teach you really good life skills but they dont help with intervention. And they dont teach you anything from the AOLs perspective. I have learned so much from you!

@jomomma1512 Жыл бұрын

Been dealing with this for years. I have developed my own addictions. I won’t bad mouth him. I am headed to detox next week. It took months to find a place that would take my insurance. Wish me luck. I can’t live this way anymore, so I am putting the shovel down!!!

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Sending you lots of positive thougths, JoMomma! You got this!

@IMLovelydove23 Жыл бұрын

Wow. You are in my prayers❤

@ambervanmaiingan8304 2 жыл бұрын

I've worked very hard in the last year to get off the crazy train and have completely transformed myself and my approach with the help of your videos and going through your online course. It has made such a huge difference in our home dynamic even though he is still addicted. He treats me so much better than he use to in response to my response. But tonight I woke up to check on the cats and overheared him talking to his buddy on the phone telling him a whole bunch of lies about me. It broke my heart. He outright attributes specific comments and actions that he did to me and twist everything. Why is he still telling these lies when it seems we are doing fine?

@pattymaine1 2 жыл бұрын

I'm right there w you!

@jdxx59 Жыл бұрын

Because he feels shame and guilt but he can’t blame himself as he would have to face it all so he projects it onto you. Don’t take offence it is his illness and you are doing good.

@lazyezmerelda Жыл бұрын

@@jdxx59 I'm so sorry. It is heart breaking.

@harmonywhite9320 Жыл бұрын

It sounds like whatever he's getting out of the relationship chatting with his buddy is more important to him than telling the truth about you, even though it's all lies. And you'll still be there, etc, so there's no reason to be honest with the buddy. I'm glad you have more peace now as that is what is really important. Maybe he would be honest about you with a counsellor but apparently not with the buddies, etc., not enough incentive. Just my guess. Also agree with what Julie Donohue wrote here.

@lazyezmerelda Жыл бұрын

@@harmonywhite9320 This recently happened to me. Our mutual friend shared a text my alcoholic husband recently sent him. It was filled with all the same lies he believed a year ago. It broke my heart. I cried and cried for two days. It was like the end for me. I thought if he still thinks those things, and even embellishes the truth even more, casting blame even where he didn't before??? I felt so hopeless. But, it could also be that my husband is just venting untruths to this friend and would say differently to me? Who knows.

@andreabatts1529 2 жыл бұрын

He's blamed his addiction on me

@RIDDYxMUSICH 2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

@arock7462 2 жыл бұрын

Addiction is narcissistic. Self - absorbed.

@buzzlight2nd1 5 ай бұрын

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dual_diagnosis

@kimberlyhiggins7 2 жыл бұрын

Well I did this with my ex and I stopped reacting, but he went the other way and got deeper into addiction. His denial walls got higher and higher!!!! Until he finally attacked me one night and I had to call the cops. He then lied to cops and everyone else and hasn’t turned back since… traveling deeper and deeper into drinking!!

@nessauk2786 Жыл бұрын

What a shame hun.

@Iamhis56 Жыл бұрын

I just came across this video and am thankful that it validates what I knew he has been telling family and friends about me. I need to stop “playing” the villain role. I need to watch the rest of your videos to figure out the first step to help myself to help him. Thank you

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Hi B! So glad this was helpful for you. I think you'll find lots of other useful info on this channel 😊

@charlottecannon5288 Ай бұрын

Dr Heather Bannon sent me to your channel. Thank you so much! I will be different when I get home today. I won’t be the excuse!

@PutTheShovelDown Ай бұрын

Yey! I love Dr. Brannon. She's my ADD doctor too 😁

@catcat5280 Жыл бұрын

You are such a blessing for us who stand by hurting for our addicted love one. Amber....your talks keep us from drowning in mess. Than k you so much.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Wow, thank you 💝💝💝

@carsusa9277 2 жыл бұрын

I love your films. it helped me to face the reality: once you are involved with an addict, you suffer and live life worst than the addict less the fun of the high. I kicked her a** of my life over a hear ago and life is amazing. so much more to life than just to bend light (fix and addict).

@jadek5822 3 ай бұрын

Sometimes I feel like I’m dealing w/a person w/NPD. Healing from an abusive NPD & healing my trauma, learning to love myself, taking care of my mental & physical health basically makes me stable, loving, strong & able to set boundaries while supporting the addicts in my family. Also learning about why everyone has a different way to cope w/their pain. Eg: food, porn, video games, sex, rx, work, hoarding, extreme exercise…some are looked down upon & some rewarded by society…

@Zest4life890 2 жыл бұрын

Finally his friends are aware of his drinking problem

@Troytheboy45 2 жыл бұрын

Your videos have helped me so much! My 18 year old sons life is hanging by a thread. I feel like I will lose him soon as he has no desire to change. He is also mentally ill so I am afraid to kick him out.. im terrified daily and his addiction has taken over my life. You have helped me so much. Your videos are the only thing giving me strength right now. Thank you!!!

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words , Amber. I'm really glad these videos are helpful, but I'm sorry you're in such a crumby situation.

@Troytheboy45 2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown My situation is beyond crummy. My sweet son :( Your videos are a godsend. I have learned so much and and have gotten so much stronger. Thank you thank you! You are a true blessing :)

@pattymaine1 2 жыл бұрын

I am so grateful I found your channel! it's been a big part of my recovery process along with therapy, alonon, etc. you are an amazing resource and I've shared your channel w my own therapist, friends and loved ones

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much Patty 😁

@saskiaguy1940 2 жыл бұрын

I SO appreciate your honesty and wisdom. Thank you, Amber 💜

@Anon56789 2 ай бұрын

Hey Amber, all the things you are saying are correct. I was in denial, and acceptance of my fate and it wasn't until I couldn't point my finger at almost anything but myself. I am so grateful for the strength of those around me for removing themselves as I didn't want to have them see my demise hence, pushing them away. I am currently sixty days sober, and working through my issues. Truly, I know I would not have been able to see light without those around me to help pull me up and those whom I've lost. My hope for them is that they find peace, and healing from the hurt. At this time, the best way to help those around me is to help myself, and I am constantly working to better myself. Getting healthy mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Thank you for the content as you help me to see light on the darker days

@PutTheShovelDown 2 ай бұрын

That’s beautiful. You’re willingness and humility are impressive 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

@TeaRose9 8 ай бұрын

Thank you so much Amber, you are amazing. Just found your account tonight after years of learning and educating myself about addiction and the behaviors and I feel so incredibly validated as the backbone of my family trying to keep providing.

@mikeinmelbourne9491 Жыл бұрын

This, this and this. My circumstance exactly. Thank you for you helping through this most challenging time of life.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Happy to help, Mike!

@juanita-lynnebeukes1965 10 ай бұрын

We just had 6 years of hell. It’s like you had an interview with my daughter. I am broken. So broken ….

@russellmercado9298 Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much…I am going through this right now with my spouse. I am drowning and I’m surrounded by enablers, fuelers and withdrawers

@nicolaowen999 Жыл бұрын

Yes on point!! I always get told im controlling, crazy and paranoid.

@gwillis01 2 жыл бұрын

I am sorry for what Yuli had to go through. It must take an amazingly strong level of denial to get on a bicycle, have a bicycle accident that involves more than one broken bone, and then say that nothing bad happens when he or she drinks alcohol.

@D6EH 3 ай бұрын

Yes, this absolutely accurate. I had to leave. She can sink on her own, i decided not to watch anymore.

@jodypixley6683 2 жыл бұрын

My nephew that is addict has told me that when he says these things is becouse he knows he is guilty and shame and knowing he is in his feelings knowing he is so close to useing again and looking for an excuse to use !

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Now that's honesty! 😮

@jodypixley6683 2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown if there is one thing I've learned in depth is that I yust to wonder why the addict just could not come out and say what they were thinking and feeling ,like they could say I'm loseing my mind if I don't use but when I use I can't control or can't remember ,or I don't want to stop useing ! and until you have had many up front and personal dealings with the addict you wouldn't understand them saying that , so now I have come to realize how I'm in their situation of not knowing how to explain to someone who has no ideal what it's like in an addict life or dureing their addiction or when they in with drawl and seeing and hearing with my own eyes and ears from many addicts , that there is this thing about trying to tell someone who does not know or understand becouse it sounds and looks as crazy to the person your trying to tell about the situation of the addict ! It's seems that it's our own crazy psycho horror movie that we are liveing in and everyone wants out but can't seem to run away from ,so I completely understand the mental illness of it all and how the addict thinks it's just to crazy to explain ! I can only say that you will be hooked into the depths of very very dark times beyond your imagination and start wondering which of you is crazier ! Thank God for channels like yours for us to know we are not alone and to have someone to text our nightmare and you to show us compasion ! Can never thank you enough

@terrimoore258 Жыл бұрын

This is so true about being positive and not being the bad guy. I stopped being the bad guy (the best I can :-) ) and being positive. It has so made a difference. He actually told me over the weekend he doesn’t know how Ive stayed in the past because he was mean. He wanted to know what changed. Told him therapy and your videos. He said he was thankful. He is slowly changing. He at least stay sober on vacation and throughout the week.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Nice work, Terri! ⭐⭐⭐

@andreabatts1529 2 жыл бұрын

Lmao he's said this to my face.

@jesi7739 Жыл бұрын

Yep heard it all from my fiancés friends & most of them hate me for it. But yes, I’ve heard & been told ALL. OF. THIS. Mainly from his friends along with being told I’m crazy

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Sorry Jes. It just plain sucks! 😫

@jesi7739 Жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown It’s very hurtful cuz everyone thinks I’m the problem in the relationship. I wish we had the option to work with you. I’m learning so much about alcoholism from you & you’re describing my relationship to a T. & I love him & refuse to give up on him cuz I know who he is without the alcohol

@LizbetPCB 2 жыл бұрын

Hi Amber. I keep missing your livestreams. But stopping to say ‘hi’ in a comment for the algorithm 😊

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

You're the best!

@sharibennett2071 2 жыл бұрын

Starting to get it now. This channel is geared more towards the people that are dealing with alcoholics. You're doing excellent work, but not for me. You literally have no skin in my game. God bless you always for your good works my sister 😘❤

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for stopping by Shari!

@jen_crochetfun Жыл бұрын

Most of my daughter's trash-talking is about her childhood. She tells us and others that we never cared about her, never gave her anything she wanted, were mean to her, and so on. It isn't true, but she seems to truly believe it. Some of it is a manipulation too.

@floridaelkhunter 5 ай бұрын

Amber, You are a gift to the world! Helping so many of us by sharing your experiences. What a blessing!

@caliblue2 2 жыл бұрын

My daughters basically projected all the hideous crap they were doing onto me and used it as justification to be on drugs. Total Insanity.

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

💯💯💯

@kellysaathoff3233 5 ай бұрын

Oh my gosh this is so true! I experienced this first hand!

@annaokie Жыл бұрын

I wish I would have learned this so much earlier. my marriage is over because I was always the villain, the criticizer, the “your efforts are not good enough.” It’s so hard bc, although I am justified and a lot of people would try to hold accountability like that, it’s not effective. Maybe my marriage could have been saved if I changed the dynamic. I have so much regret 😢

@mjmama5869 2 жыл бұрын

Seen it for myself on his phone. And pretty awful stuff about our daughter. I'm letting her leave for grandmas for a while. idk how long I can stay, going to take it until I can't take it anymore I guess

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

That must have been devastating. I'm so sorry 😓

@mjmama5869 2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown I have basically come to expect it. Deciding it's best for my 16 year old to leave because of the mental distress she is going through is by far more devastating than any lies or exaggerations my "other half" could ever say, but thank you for your empathy and what you do here. It is very helpful and empowering

@Zest4life890 2 жыл бұрын

As long as people have a lending ear and never shut him down, he'll continue, but I confront him, he wants his friends to hate me so I don't find out what he says about me, but I've known this for years, I figured it out

@zonetish1 2 жыл бұрын

Pretty sad how people like to listen to the noise and lies first. Better to stay out of it. Good video.

@ESumner Жыл бұрын

I haven’t even started watching this because of how triggering it’s going to be…. The stuff I read on his phone that he told people about me, I will NEVER forget. It makes me want to say and do very unbiblical things to him let’s say that! Lol but I won’t… he is the most evil human being on the entire planet and I’m doing my best not to HATE him. Not only the horrible things he said about me, but how AMAZING the mistress was compared and how many people he was working with to con me it of my own money…. Next level evil and I hope God brings vengeance on him….

@carlyross8344 2 жыл бұрын

It does feel like enabling BUT I certainly see your point! Plus, I’ve been in this situation and yes, you’re 100% right! They start realising their problems and addictions and stop focusing on you nagging them!

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

💯

@marinabauguess9040 2 жыл бұрын

I try to get on here when you are live but working. You are right I believe every word you said. My son is in deep meth addiction. He is 33 and I have lost my temper and I have felt a lot different emotions. I am really tired of it all. He is in recovery at State run rehab in Asheville NC because he don’t have insurance.

@peterlyons8793 Жыл бұрын

State prison?

@HopeandFaithHomesread Жыл бұрын

This video really helped me because a former neighbor and her group of friends who kept illegally entering my apartment by unlocking the door with keys and supposedly got my cellphone information cloned and I'd come home to lots of obvious stuff missing. I'd be woken up and night by them unlocking the door around three in the morning slammed a metal chair on the floor I tried blocking the door with. Constantly everytiime we left they'd walk over tweaking on my door. Some of them just spread lies around about me making excuses for their behavior lying saying that I deserved it. Just to escape them feeling any responsibility obviously. Any newer neighbors who moved in shed lie and say everybody's apartment they were trying to get into were ALL bad people "Were because one of us must have seen her without the dog on a leash throughout the day or night walking around the apartment complex. Anyways even getting the children to help watch places by lying to them saying one of us at the end of this building told on her. Because I eventually asked around wondering why she was obsessed following me around watching our apartment and even followed me harassing me watching my daily routine. So truth is they were probably just burglars lying because of an addiction

@dorismayorga1769 2 жыл бұрын

You are great! I have learned so much in your channel! Please keep educating us in addiction!

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

You got it! 😁

@chilloften Жыл бұрын

Listening to these will hopefully even help me with the workplace. Preemptively set up in long term care facilities, it’s mind blowing. Human beings are so hard to maneuver. It’s so weird on how many levels this crap is going on. We all need this info from childhood.

@PutTheShovelDown Жыл бұрын

Your statement about needing this info in childhood is so true! 💯

@christinecortes6342 10 ай бұрын

This is all true , I bet everyone can connect to everything you are saying !!

@dig1272 2 жыл бұрын

To my face I get: "You had a perfect childhood. Only one small traumatic moment." Oh, and, "You need therapy." Well, I already DID therapy for over a year after her dad/my husband died and we got to the point where the therapist felt I was doing great. She was a trauma therapist. I had to deal with my husband's pancreatic cancer and taking care of him at home the last week and a half of his life and actually holding his hand as he passed away one early Sat. morning. Then my mom died a year later and my dad died a year after that and I was very close to my dad. Thankfully, I realize that she stirs me up and I go into partially believing some of the things that she says and then when I look at everything I've been through I realize, no, I don't have severe anxiety, I don't have ADHD or ADD! I obtained a B.A. I never had trouble focusing in school and I love to read. That's most of the stuff she throws at me and everything you're saying makes perfect sense, wow. Right now my daughter's in rehab for 30 days, she entered a few days ago. This is her first time to go to rehab and now I'm realizing that I backed off of her prior. Without knowing it I utilized your technique. I was watching a few of your videos and I think I must have realized nagging her doesn't work so I stopped nagging. Also, she was trying to reduce the amount she drank but then she would go over by a couple ounces which would put her into the zone of I really don't want to be around her And she was unable to be safe at that point she could fall down the stairs, so what I did was I babysat her the rest of the night until she fell asleep, even if it was 2 or 3:00 in the morning. I did that several times in the 2 weeks prior to her going into rehab. The first couple of times I watched movies with her that she wanted to watch like Freaky Friday. lol

@PutTheShovelDown 2 жыл бұрын

Definitely gaslighting!

@dig1272 2 жыл бұрын

She is doing fantastic! Finished rehab and went into an IOP program where she lives in an apt. with two other women while doing 6 hours a day of therapy and group therapy, etc.!