Not talking, withdrawing, was the only way I could navigate the tension and neglect growing up. Going silent helped me keep tabs on the dysfunction my parents were bringing down on us kids. Speaking brought unwanted attention, criticism, etc. I loved those adults around me, mostly teachers, who seemed to like me whether I spoke or not. I think silence saved me in many ways. 💕 Thank you for addressing this issue. 💕

Some parents don’t want their kids in their lives, and will push them away, then blame the kid for the disconnect.

Shy kids tend to have parents who pressure them not to be shy. The kids probably have good reason not to trust.

Amen. I stopped talking for two years as an adult, after falling into homelessness and being severely abused. I trusted no one.

I was called shy when I was a child due to that, because I close up immediately when I was around certain people. I knew it was not shyness but a way for my body to tell me that I was not safe around certain people because I have heavily hurt by people who had similar characteristics in the past. When I ignore my body and force myself to interact with people I didn't feel safe I regretted later on

Your comment about animals in relation to selective mutism was so interesting. I have thought the same in so far as animals generally avoid people to such an extent that even entering into the forest can sometimes feel eerie and empty, in spite of teeming with life. Once after I'd picked up a plastic bag in the forest and filled it with junk and thrown it in a recycling bin at a nearby sports facilities I noticed that some crows were watching me and not too long afterwards and in the same area an individual crow started following me by foot. I noticed it walking down the road behind me as I looked over my shoulder having heard some unusual rustling, and I stopped and it kept approaching me, itself stopping only a few feet away. Made my day actually. I'm sure most people would regard my observation as somewhat whacky but I do believe that encounter was their way of saying thanks. I once had a goose sit down literally next to me too to watch the water flow by before us, it was a profound moment of unspoken, mutual understanding.

I’ve had selective mutism recently. I realized I was in an abusive relationship and disclosed this to a close friend & she told me, “no I don’t think it was abuse, you have just changed and he changed.” I couldn’t bring myself to speak to her for 4 months. I avoided telling her abt the severe abuse because I couldn’t bring myself to relive those moments. She didn’t even have my full story & she so quickly invalidated my reality. My gut has been telling me to not talk to her and I can’t physically bring myself to do it. I had been silent and alone with the abuse for so long and I was finally saying it out loud.. I think the betrayal I felt cut deep, even though I completely understand that what she said was not personal to me & I know why she said it. But I really appreciate this reminder that I should respect my body’s signals. As an organism trying to survive in this world, I don’t think it’s wise to keep someone close to me that is willing to pull the wool over my eyes in dangerous situations that I need to escape. Even though I don’t believe she had malevolence behind her actions, it is just not something I can be around anymore.

I had selective mutism as a child, only around people I didn’t like and didn’t went to interact with. It seemed to disappear for a while and has recently come back (again only with certain people). I just see it as my nervous system trying to protect and warn me about someone who’s potentially dangerous. It’s generally people I feel I can’t be myself around, or that if I do speak my words will be used against me.

I had selective mutism throughout my childhood, mainly towards adults. I remember being 7 or 8 and my cousin telling his mother he heard my voice for the first time. I've always thought I had loving and "adequate" parents, but my selective mutism and worrying lack of appetite as a child makes me wonder. Recently I went through a humiliating rejection and no matter how hard I tried I could not speak. I felt so embarassed... Daniel's thoughts on the subject moved me. There's nothing wrong in trying to protect yourself in such a hostile world.

I had selective mutism and sometimes I still have it. I remember two distinctive incidents about it when I was a child, both very traumatic. The first time, I saw a terrible accident, and I saw a woman dismembered through the window, as I was passing by on a bus with my mother, people stood up and went directly to the window to see, I was already by the window, my mother was asking me what was happening, what did I saw, and I noticed a could not speak, I was silent until I arrived home, and then my mother asked me again, and I told her crying what I saw. The second time, I was an adolescent, my mother took me to a psychologist, she asked me a lot of things, and I noticed I couldn't respond, I was trying to force myself to speak but I couldn't, she became really angry, and she started to insult me and yell very loudly, two women came and hold her telling her to calm down, I don't remember all the things she yelled at me, but I do remember she told me I was a psychopath, and that she could not treat me, that I was the devil or something like that... just because I did not speak to her. As an adult sometimes I can't speak for a moment when someone asks about my feelings. It's hard enough for me to know exactly what I'm feeling. But it's harder to speak about it, so I just shut up even if I want to speak I can't until the person changes the subject.

For my prospective; simply being the child of a parent you do not admire/respect can be traumatizing. It was part of my experience, I felt "disturbed" by who/and how my parents behaved, I genuinely could not accept them. I do welcome any insight into it.

As I would often sit at the dinner table being yelled at for hours on end eventually I came to the realization that if supposedly everything I say is a lie, I should not say anything. This eventually had the effect of annoying the aggressor enough that they would send me away.

I had it at times in my life, I can tell you where mine came from: my words being twisted any time I used them and my words being seen as an opening to attack any time I used them. So I learned to not talk at times.

After listening to you, I do believe selective mutism is like some kind of a boundary. A necessary boundary.

If selective mutism is not (significant) trauma-induced then I don't know what is.

I'm stuck at home with my mom due to financial reasons (waiting on SSI, which isn't even enough to live off of. this country looks down on the disabled) but only speak about one sentence to her every few months. What's interesting is that she's never really yelled at me or insulted me, not nearly as much as the rest of my family has. But I became mute to her (and most people) as a result of years of her invalidating me, playing dumb, refusing to acknowledge how the abuse affected ME. Now I know there's no use in telling her anything. I have a feeling that she also despises me. She's so "nice" on the outside that I don't even think SHE'S aware of how much she hates me, but I can tell through her actions or lack thereof. I can tell she thinks I'm an embarrassment to the family for struggling like a normal human being and not being able to "perform" like they want me to.

I think the “selective” part is tricky because I can’t even make that decision to not speak , it happens without my control , it’s probably the very tense environments I can’t speak , but what is intense/tense for one person differs with another person . We don’t actually “select” where we can and cannot speak , it just happens to us by our nervous system .

I had selective mutism. I went 2 years without speaking to anybody except my brothers and parents. I was silent in school and I preferred to be alone. People only meant pain for me. After those 2 years I could make one or two word phrases and it was difficult forcing myself to speak out. As an adult I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. Life really sucked back in those days. I think it came from being a terrible stutterer. Every time I spoke I was mocked and sometimes bullied.

I'm so glad i found your videon as I watched a whole documentary on selective mutism in children on the BBC. They repeated over and over selective mutism has nothing to do with abuse. They explicitly stated that there is no correlation or causation. Commen sense told my gut otherwise.

My brother never talked all through grade school. At school. But when he got home, he was hyperactive, loud, talkative, and enjoyed tormenting me. So he wasn't scared, shy or withdrawn by nature. At all. Like, extreme selective mutism.

I was told that as a child I may have done this a couple of times. Once when I had my tonsils taken out. Mom told me that I refused to even open my mouth for ANYthing after that. I didn't speak, I didn't want any ice cream. Perhaps I trusted my parents not to hurt me, and they took me to a place where I got hurt? At any rate, apparently my mother eventually opened a bag of pretzels, and THAT is what I wanted to eat. So, the first thing I ate after getting my tonsils out was pretzels. I have no idea how long this took. Otherwise, mom told me she thought I couldn't hear, I would not respond to anyone talking to me, they thought I lost my hearing, or maybe something got in my ears. So, she took me to the doctors to get them checked out and as we were walking to the building, she was rummaging around in her purse, and I heard a candy wrapper. So clearly my ears and hearing were fine, I must have been choosing not to talk. She also told me that if we had a guest, pretty rare I guess, that I would simply stand in front of the chair the guest was sitting in, silently observing them. It apparently made them nervous because I wouldn't respond to them, acted like I was invisible or something. And after a while, maybe when I determined that they were OK, I would walk away and go play. I have also heard that selective mutism is something that happens sometimes with autism. I suspect I have this. I'll be really quiet or silent around strangers or new people, but not with people I trust. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed and can't even think or process what is happening, so I might put my hand up to someone who is tryiing to engage me. They can get upset "Don't you shush me!" but that's not what it is. I'm not trying to be rude I just can't function in that moment. Maybe it's like stagefright, I've had that before too.

I never even knew that there was a word for this phenomenon, but now that I watched this video, I recognized several times in my life, where I have lost my voice almost completely. Also in some groups of people I have been very extroverted, while in other groups, I've been so quiet that I remember living multiple days without saying a single word to anyone. When I've tried to talk anyway, my voice had sounded like I was almost suffocating. The key to getting contact after the muteness have been compassion and respect. Not giving too much pressure that I should talk and not only trying to get me talk for someone's own reasons. But honestly wanting to listen to what I have to say, not because of pity, but because of respecting my right to have an opinion and to have a voice. Sometimes it's been easier to start with yes or no questions.

When I was young, probably between 3 and 5, I wouldn't talk to anyone besides my family. I don't know if it was from any type of trauma or if I was just cautious with people I didn't know and trust. I think it makes sense to be cautious. Trusting people takes time, especially when you're little and you don't understand how society works yet.

As an adult woman who experiences this, in my case it stems from knowing that there is nothing that can be said in a given situation to clarify or make any sense of whatever is happening in a way that would matter or be understandable to others. Having dealt with this often enough I have built a mental block. My mind just prevents me from communicating in a situation where it's pointless. It indeed isn't voluntary. To put it as simply as possible, it's my minds way of enforcing a boundary the only way it knows how at the time. The way I see it is if a person is mentally and potentially emotionally overwhelmed, the brain has its own defense mechanism that takes charge. It's also never advantageous to anyone to try to compel me to speak at these times. There are people who will do things like say: if you don't want to talk about it just say so, and you could at least just say yes or no, etc. I'm very annoyed with the fact that people are like this. I see it as a form of entitlement on their part and some people seem to get so irritated that it's like they want to provoke something unnecessarily so I'm eternally grateful for this reflex, awkward as it may be. I have zero desire to "fix" it. If someone simply stops speaking to me, (which I have been on the receiving end of myself as well) I accept it and go on about my business, like any reasonable person should.

I was mute for a while as a child, I must have been under 5 and I attributed it to becoming self conscious. I remember becoming aware that I was a person in the world and people observed me and I think I went into some kind of shock. I have no other explanation but maybe I was also just shy but my family and other adults made such a huge deal out of my shyness and made me withdraw even more. I was so ashamed to be quiet. I do think I was neglected emotionally as a child but I don’t remember anything traumatic specifically. I’m 45 now and all this childhood stuff is really knocking at my door right now. These videos are so helpful. I’m amazed at the topics you choose to talk about and how much I relate to them.

Selective, implies, choice. But in my experience, it doesn't feel that way. Inside, i want to say something, but am frozen & unable to even mouth the words. I know longer wish to freeze this way, yet it still happens.

Ever since I was 4 years old, I suffered from selective mutism my entire childhood, I did not know if I still had it , but watching your video made me think I I definitely still have it ,I’m not able to function properly when I’m surrounded by people who I don't trust but when I’m alone my brain does function freely. When I was as vulnerable as not having a voice in front of most people, it was so easy for people to bully me and say whatever they wanted to me because I would not tell off their rude behaviors to anyone.I was also sexually violated by one of the classmates while I wasn't able to speak much as a high school student. It was like selective mutism gave others the right to treat me horribly. Like animals are treated much worse than humans because they don't have a voice, it makes you much vulnerable,even when it shouldn't be that way, sadly horribly entitled people exist. As a survivor I’ve done a lot of research about it but it still was not enough information maybe because of how difficult people are able to come forward and be open about it ? All the research are poorly done. Most of the information on the Internet says selective mutism occurs during childhood, and does not mention much about people who suffer until adulthood.Children with selective mutism are already not treated well, but adults are treated much worse , no one truly cared what I was going through. I thought I couldn’t talk to “most” people but I did talk to my family and some friends (that I eventually realized were also toxic) at school ,it just felt like I couldn’t talk to most people because kids spend most of their time at school, so it was eye opening that you described selective mutism as a symptom where people cannot talk to “some” people , as a kid I was probably made to believe I couldn’t talk to “most”people and that made it easier for people to alienate my existence .

I always find it interesting how the unconscious can take over like that. And if we really want to we can override its judgment but we soon find out our unconscious knows best.

Thank you speaking on this topic! I was silent for most of my childhood unless I was with someone I knew well and felt safe to be myself. I was labeled as shy and forced to interact when I didnt want to and always got terrible "participation" grades in school. There were times when I felt too nervous to speak but also times where I just didnt want to and preferred to just be with myself. I still dont talk in a lot of situations because i feel there is no point unless its with other people who are genuine and sincere

I also think that many mental health professionals are the sort to build identity around their expertise and selective mutism is very hard to treat effectively, probably because it hasn't been correctly understood. When they encounter a client that has a difficult adaptation or issues they just try to hook it up to something that is within their expertise.

thank you! Too many parents always “get a pass,” so the abuse doesn’t get stopped.

I get mute when my family shout at me. Nothing can get out my lips. And then they yell at me more because I can't reply to their word. I just cant. My mind goes blank. And it's always my fault and I never question myself on my behavior.. tired of hearing constantly that I need to go on therapy, that something is wrong with me.

I wish everyone was as kind, thoughtful and sensitive as you, you are such a light in this world

Interesting topic, thank you. When people insult me/yell at me, my default reaction is to yell at them, louder and angrier. It took me a while to learn to keep it in check, after I pissed off some narcissists in corporate. No regrets, still.

😮Your dad had the same reaction as my mother to my being confused and depressed at uni. Her aggressive reaction made the depression chronic for more than a decade. It was only when I had gone through thorough grief (and suicidal moments) that the depression stopped. That depressed time has shaken me until this day AND made me return to myself because I was the only haven that was left to soothe me. Therapist didn’t even get what was happening. I am so sorry that you went through the same kind of trauma when you were at your lowest 😔. Thank you so much for sharing that because I feel as if I found family ❤

"when abuse is going on most people say nothing". How many have the guts to stand up and oppose the behavior?

I have a student that has selective mutism. She is really awesome, in my opinion. I never make her feel bad for not speaking or even bring this up. I still try to engage with her and ask her questions - just yes or no questions. I ask her everyday if she is having a good day. She is honest and will shake her head no if she doesnt like something. Another coworker does the same and will make things will her like origami, etc.

I *can* speak with my parents but I choose to do so as little as possible. When anything you was turns into being verbally mistreated, why talk in the first place? It's a stepping stone to low/no contact.

This is the first video I’ve ever felt like I’m in the same room just one on one talking to someone. You’re an amazing speaker.

In my opinion a lot of children with CPTSD suffer from selective mutism.I was not able to make a telefon call at the age of 18. I had a lot of therapies since then and struggle with speaking when I'm stressed or feel unsafe.

Daniel, thanks for your courage and compassion in sharing insights on a topic that hardly every gets discussed in mental health circles it seems. Or at least in my prior talk/somatic therapy experiences - my selective childhood mutism hardly came up and when I did bring it up, it wasn't addressed and further explored during the session. I distinctly remember second grade being a culminating stressful time where I was compulsively plucking out my eyebrows, stopped talking to my teacher and basically most adults. I probably responded to my parents only when they addressed me but I don't recall ever seeking out conversation with them. They were constantly verbally abusing each other, me and my siblings- physically at times too. But on the outside, at schools, it seemed we were all just fine, good kids at school. Until I just shut down completely and couldn't focus, participate in class...my teacher got frustrated with me. I was seven. Couldn't process what was going on at home- why my parents were so hateful, violent, mean and cruel. My mom scolded me during this time in my life, when I was first sent to counseling, how "I was doing this to seek attention." Insinuating that I was calculating and acting out consciously (now I realize this as projection after decades of being subjected by her manipulative dramas). With that experience, I too try not to force anyone into conversation with me if it's clear they're uncomfortable or not interested. It saves me energy as well...

Thank you for educating me on this term I was unfamiliar with and for being vulnerable and authentic in sharing your own experience. As usual with your explanations it makes perfect sense. I've been a magnet for shy people and animals for the reasons you suggest of intuitively meeting a soul wherever they're at and respecting their autonomy instead of strictly adhering to the expectations of social norms. It's an approach that travels well. Of course, following local customs is good, too, just not in all situations. Gotta read the room. This conversation helps me gain confidence in setting the boundaries with the pressuring parents who are unaware they're being invasive of both of us, something I continue to work on in life and is shockingly prevalent with people needing to get their control fix. Peoples behaviors are often rooted in control dynamics.

When I’m aware that my words are likely to be weaponized against me, I shut down.

I go silent when the lady at work who is not my boss starts bossing me around. Now I get to go into work with anxiety. Then she tells me to boss everyone else around basically. I can’t deal with that style of communication so I just shut down. I tried telling my supervisor how I was feeling she didn’t care 🤷‍♀️. Just wish people would leave me alone cause it makes me want to snap and go off on people who are demanding and controlling.

Daniel, you sharing your experiences and insights and being able to communicate that so clearly is a gift to all that come across your channel. What you’ve said about most people saying nothing when abuse is going on is very true and so sad. It stood out to me when you said it and also how you said it. You must have been, to say it mildly, very let down and disappointed at certain moments. It takes a courageous and righteous person to stand up for someone, not many are willing to take that risk. Thank you for doing what you are doing:)

i was silent most of my life. never really shared much with anyone, not even friends, after i started seeing who i really was, i realized no one knew me and i felt alone because even my three best friends of decades were trauma based relationships but i never felt more liberated and because of that no longer needing others to understand me, i finally comprehended my own fears and triggers so i was able to give tlc to my inner child and she is amazingly self aware and growing up beautifully.

I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one who is experiencing this. I can feel on an energetic level when people want or expected me to do something for them. It made me go deeper into my energies bubble. I’ve found as well that I can be myself around people who genuinely cares for me. I’m still trying to heal repressed traumas to freed myself of this condition. Thank you for sharing this and allowing a place for us to share our stories. All the best to you and this channel.💜

I did not know about this classification until recently. Ive struggled with Selective Mutism. I can trace it back to my childhood, where my father never valued or asked for my opinion. I always felt unappreciated by my father. Used by my big sister. My mother was quiet herself. I thought I took after her, which I did, but I believe the treatment I got reinforced my insecurity and pain…

Thanks for making and posting this, Daniel! I have sought refuge from attack and held onto my life force in a way that could accurately described as “selective mutism” and feel seen and heard by this video of yours. 🙏

As a child other children would point out that i never talked, and their parents would just say "he's just shy"..as an adult i have social anxiety and depression, and i find it near impossible to talk to some people but with others i find it easier. when i feel uncomfortable talking to someone i find it difficult to make my mouth make the words and i sound kind of weird and stiff, like the words don't flow. I also have a mental block where i can't think what to talk about. This leads me to awkward situations when i am with other people, and i had one guy accusing me of being arrogant.😢

I think it happens when the elephant appears in the room. ie the unspoken trauma rears its head. As someone who lost their power of speech as an adult, it turned out my speech loss was due to buried childhood trauma. Saying one word was like lifting a brick. I have to say since I found this channel I can't stop talking, making comments, it seems to invite you to talk. I also found myself talking loudly for the first time ever when escaping to Singapore recently.

As a child I went for 8 years to scool with a girl who never spoke a word. It was said, that she talked to her father who was a single dad. Many years later, when we were in our 30ies we met and she spoke normal with everybody. It was the first time I heard her speak.

You make great points. Another possibility is the other boy was told by his mother not to trust adults outside his family or would be upset by him acting closer to someone else.

I'm 56 years old, and I have very selective mutism in certain situations. The key part of the term being "selective". There are many adults with whom I select to not share my wisdom, insight, creativity, and energy, simply for the fact that I don't cast my pearls before swine. Children on the other hand, are a very different story. I almost never refuse to share the aforementioned values with children, since children are mostly still capable of receiving such things of value, free from negative judgments and competitive instincts.

Daniel, thank you for sharing. Your ability to share your self. You’re personal experience, your vulnerabilities, has helped so many. Please know you are helping so many. Thank you!! 🤗🙏💐❤️

That last sentence of the video! WHEW!!!!!!!

To me talking with people is a very personal thing. It is a risk and showing that you are devoting your energy to them, and that you are to some degree validating that you want their approval or you want them to have a certain view of you in some way, and speaking is just full of such pitfalls. People use speaking as a way to enforce common harmful narratives. So if you don't talk then there's just peace😊

😳 JUST THE TOPIC I WAS LEARNING ABOUT THIS WEEK ❤😊

I was simply not permitted to speak at all in my horrid toxic abusive family of origin. If I spoke up especially my own opinion I was hit and by the time I reached about 14 or so I didn’t care anymore but I did learn I was living in a total dictatorship run by my psychopath father. It got intolerable so I finally moved out at around 19. I had to quit college and get a job and get a car bc my father took my car away from me that was a birthday gift at 18. Got a job and a friend at work co-signed for a car for me. Long story but I finally in my late 20s went no contact permanently from my entire family. It’s been 25 years since I went no contact. It was necessitated for me to finally have peace and just wasn’t going to put up with the covert and overt verbal attacks. No one including my 6 younger siblings have even tried to communicate with me this whole time. Maybe that will change down the road but I’m not holding my breath.

100% agreed i didn't recognise the fact i'm selectively mute, and have been since childhood, until i happened to unknowingly hit upon a trigger with a friend (who fortunately has an autistic sibling and immediately recognised what was happening), then again during a therapy session where i lost all ability to verbally communicate i'm beyond grateful that both occurred with capable people who were able to adapt and sit with me non judgementally in my therapy session in particular, i was allowed to just sit in silence until i wanted to communicate, then i was able to communicate in writing, then downloaded a text to speech app, then gradually regained my ability to verbally communicate as my nervous system calmed down again i'd trained myself into invisibility to mostly avoid the consequences of not speaking whilst at school, then in adulthood i'd actively avoided group settings and learnt to observe and not verbally contribute without making people too uncomfortable - i got so good at hiding it that i didn't realise it was significant, and i'd disconnected from the physical stress i was feeling, plus my relaxed self is *very* talkative and capable of communicating thoroughly, so i had no idea i still had an issue the roots for me are primarily due to growing up in an environment with disproportionate consequences for saying/doing the 'wrong' thing, and when i've been able to be present with myself in mutism *around other people*, there's a highly somatic internal panic state that's restricting my physical ability to verbalise, as well as my mental capacity to form the words/sentences i was also forced into communicating 'properly' as a child, aka verbally and in line with all the social rules, so my nonverbal communication was being ignored, and my verbal communication was often severely misunderstood i don't quite know if it falls under mutism, but i also experienced a lot of neglect so just didn't communicate things i was 'supposed to' out of a space of futility, and i still struggle to this day with knowing what i 'should' be sharing /what would be beneficial to share as my default is still a very withdrawn state to protect my internal world i've recently been trialling lovingly pushing through it when i feel like my company is safe enough to give me the experience of not receiving negative consequences, which feels like a major step, but it's a rare experience where that feels like the right thing to do, so my main practice has actually just been to embrace it and seek out people who are ok with it

Hi Daniel, I really enjoy watching your videos and I was wondering wether you could explore the topic of self forgiveness for actions one may have done in the past to those around them, but also how to forgive oneself for self sabotaging behaviours. Thank you.

Selective mutism is new to me in terminology, but I have had times that I could not speak due to feeling upset by particular situations or the unfair, unjustified, mean, rude behavior or responses of others. I am glad there is a term for it. I never knew before what this was, only that I was able to speak. I believe this is a response to people who are unworthy of one's trust and vulnerabilities. I learned too as a very young child that certain adults were unsafe. Highly critical, arrogant adults are damaged people, undeveloped because of their own unresolved traumas.

Wow I just had a light bulb moment watching this! My entire life I’ve always struggled badly with letting anyone see the creative/artistic side to my personality…to the point that I’d go out of my way to hide paintings before people came to the house. For years I wouldn’t even let people look at playlists of music I’d created. Watching just now I had a flashback to a time when my mother took me to a casting agency when I was very young. There may have been a few actually but I can’t remember my childhood really at all, only very few vague flashes or snapshots. This one time I do remember a little was me sitting on the other side of a desk in a shoddy office with this old man on the other side & feeling terrified, completely mute & getting yelled at after because I wouldn’t speak. Sometimes I worry about how/why much of my childhood is a complete black out. Especially if I consider some of the sexual behaviour I demonstrated way too early. If that’s the stuff I do remember then perhaps the rest was worse. Single mum situation also. Mum has had MH issues her entire life so it was a very unstable environment. My father could be the king of France for all I know.

This makes sense to me. Culture had it that fathers especially were not to show emotions (not “manly”) but a strict set of codes including harsh codes …also, some don’t speak to anyone for years. But that’s a developmental issue. With selective people it’s certainly for reasons 😢as you say. Honor the reasons. Everyone does the best they can with what they have or know. This is an insightful video and I’m glad you shared it. Thoughtfully done. ❤

When you mentioned about parents pressuring their children to say something to me (usually “thank you” or “goodbye”) and they expectation is that the child must stop engaging in what they are doing and recite the appropriate word and hug me. I see how wrong it is. I cringe. The child and I interacted and connected respectfully and appropriately, and that made the child feel safe to engage in play and self interests and generally doing a good job being a child! Then, all of a sudden the parent interrupts the child and almost seems shaming them for not formally speaking to me and hugging me. I try to remember to be ready for this and to quickly rescue the child by saying to the parent “nope she/he did say goodbye already. Thanks (child name). Go on playing-(or on your way to next stop). You are doing the right thing. Is it warm/cold out there? Oh it’s windy! Ok bye”. Then focus back on the parent who I had just said goodbye to and start all over again. Ugh. Anyway I realize we are all so messed up that it’s hard to be a parent. You all of a sudden are connected with your child and when you are saying goodbye or something you suddenly worry that you or your child will somehow offend someone and that would be unsafe and so fear is the underlying factor behind it all. Anyway. We just all have to try to be kind and supportive to both parents and children. I did have a little girl come to my daycare who had gone muted. She had very kind gentle seeming parents. I sensed she felt safe when she was not the center of attention so I averted my eyes when gently speaking to her and avoided questioning her and offered her nonverbal solutions. I also protected her from other adults and even children getting in her face - by interrupting the child/adult when she would being to physically pull away. She eventually whispered then spoke softly now and then. And I always responded gently and did not make a big production of it. Her parents saw how comfortable and relaxed she was at the daycare and with me and they reached out to me for advice. So I just explained all that to them. And they were gentle people so I think they were already doing most of that. It’s just that the rest of the world was pressuring them to do more unnatural and unnecessary things. They needed a little reassurance from someone average and in touch with emotions.

Thank you so much for making this video. I completely forgot I did it with a lot of teachers, my friends’ parents and my dad. Being a young adult I also did it many times with some bosses and managers. I completely forgot I did it as I wasn’t really aware when I was doing it.

I was a selective mute in my family of origin so as to avoid what felt like constant abuse from my father. At this age I developed a stutter with other people. Later, in my marriage I developed a meta-language of agreeing and praising my wife whilst at the same time never making an assertion even a simple statement such as "it's cold today" or "it's hot today". This, so as to avoid instant opposition and a put down. Now, as I approach retirement age, I find myself talking with all sorts of people about all kinds of things. Today, for instance I said that the morning temperature, at 2 degrees above freezing was a record for this time of year. This would have provoked instant scorn from my wife. So it feels like progress.

I always enjoy hearing your thoughts.

On the part of your childhood friend who was without a father: I think you might be too quick to judge the situation based on some very specific life experiences. for example, my father also grew up pretty much fatherless, which affected his life, and eventually mine too in some way, but this is because when my dad was 10 his father died in front of him from a seizure, they were together on a boat in a lake and my grandfather fell to the water. His body was found 5 days later. My point is - don't be quick to make every insecure child a victim of bad parenting. life is naturally traumatic, and sometimes the best way to finding happiness is acceptance of the world as it is

Bad things probably happened to him when he did speak to adults, so he stopped.

I have learned so much from you Daniel. Thanks for putting out such good content. I feel like my understanding of myself and my overall emotional intelligence is double what it was a few months ago before I found you/started thinking introspectively. But I am still learning and have a long way to go haha.

Thank you, Daniel. Your videos are so helpful.

This is a great topic Daniel. I have come across this in my practice quite a bit.

Another beautiful video Daniel :)

This is the best video ive listened from you. it was like a free terapy I needed :)

Brilliant insight in a field that I'm more keen than ever on pursuing

TY DANIEL for addressing this and always sharing ur own experiences which makes you so authentic and real for us bc u have been through so much like all of us. You are a hidden gem here on YT. So glad you’ve been posting recently .

I'm sure i had selective mutism with my dad.... I still have it to this day... It's funny many people will have it for their employers too... But i guess that's for financial reasons.....

I'm so glad to find this channel. It helped me understand myself better. ✌

Hi, Daniel. I found your videos today and haven't stopped listening since this morning. This topic is especially helpful because I'm struggling with this in my 30's, now. They are really helping me. Thank you.

I love Daniel's sound effects

Totally a safety issue. I have felt like this around rapists. We need to obey our bodies.

Very well put video. I've struggled with this my entire life.... and still do. I appreciate the words expressed in this video. Makes me feel a bit more comfortable. Never been told that there's a good reason for it.... but it makes sense, and it will help me to stop beating myself up about it. Thanks, and God Bless!

I had this as a kid. Pretty sure it was from something harmful. It was adults I could/would not talk too. I also withdraw from talking by leaving the space entirely as an adult. Most people don’t really care about the inner life of children.

You're a really excellent speaker. Glad you're doing this. Thank you. This is a topic I have various experiences with myself - with myself and also I've been on the other end of it and I've witnessed people doing it. We have a thing called Seattle Freeze here and it's real. It's not nasty or anything it's just sort of a thing a lot of people are doing or were doing when I used to ride the city bus and I to classes etc it was very noticable. I just meditated on this and decided to return to share the insights. In my life when I was the one doing this it was usually because I admired a person for some skill or something and it was like this immediate sense of needing to be quiet because they will immediately only judge me for my inferiority that must be so readily apparent. It's like not being able to cope at all with any negative response from a person without imagining this total let down and believing it's best to avoid ever knowing about it either which way ever. Stardom deficit could be one angle. Or there could be one of those "if I told ya, I'd have to kill ya" type vibes to it.

I'm like this with Type A people. When I come across a Type A personality, I just give them the 1000-yard stare, and when they finally stop talking to take a mandatory breath, I ask, "Finish?"

Many children who lose their dad do not develop selective mutism.... I do not think this is the reason why.... pain and trauma are part of the reason why and he might be autistic too.... I am personnaly autistic and had and still have selective mutism as an adult in some circumstances.... I have also had CPTSD actually. Very often symptoms come from different reasons not just one as therapists make us believe.... the emotional side of the person, the neurocognitive part, and the circumstances are all influences onto the symptoms whiich will develop then (sorry for my English it is not my first language)

Thank you.

Wow I never knew other people went through this, this is exactly what i’m going through and what i’ve been going through for the last year or two. It started with my mom but it’s branched on to people and relationships that I don’t even mean for it to happen with. People usually take it as a negative thing but i’m not intending to come off that way at all.

Thank you - ❤

I had a classmate in college who almost never talked. If you said something to her she would say a word or two, but she’d never initiate the conversation. She also almost always walked looking at the ground and you had the feeling she didn’t notice you even existed. One semester she erupted in some extremely surprising histrionic behaviour for a few weeks, that made me avoid her because it was out of control. She never said a word though, got offended and reverted to ignoring me completely like the previous two years. She went back to her jealous boyfriend who had been cheating on her and was pregnant in a few months and even more shut down when I saw her. Years later I learned that she had been smoking pretty much nonstop…

Thank you

Thank u for not putting adds on your videos

I would love to meet you and just feel the empathy with you without words. You are brave and iam proud of you

This is so interesting and helpful, thank you. I might even know of someone who could so easily be your childhood friend (right age, right country). There was plenty of possibility for trauma around this young person, which sadly did not resolve, and I cannot imagine them having had the support they needed. What you have said makes complete sense with the little I know about their current life. They live in a mental health unit having somewhat recovered from a history of drug use and sleeping rough. They didn't speak to anyone at first - not sure how they are now. The family are puzzled, I am less puzzled. Some things seem unsayable in this case, and I am not in any position of a close enough relationship, let alone the obstacle of the family's religion (not mine). The other things you said about people/children who have difficulty talking to others, I will bear this in mind when I am with a six-year old who has a lot of difficulty articulating. There is not 'mutism' per se but I can see that the no-pressure approach is much more likely to help than correcting, or being irritated (not that I do this). Should say that there is no indication of trauma here - but who am I to say what's traumatic, as Daniel also remarks.

One example is being 'star-struck' in the presence of someone you greatly admire. I speak softly, barely above a whisper. "Speak-up. You're mumbling" my mother's refrain. Hypervigilence killed my spontaneity. I startle easily. I had to stop working, because presentations scared me witless. Presentation felt like an out-of-body experience. My super-self-consciousness created blindness in the moment - I couldn't be 'in'ternal' and also consciousnessly 'ex'ternal. Could I trust myself in front of all those people? Will my panic be exposed? I carry no cell phone, and don't want to. A ringing phone brings on a heavy dose of anxiety. So does the doorbell. I isolate and that helps it. I gave into isolation 3 decades ago, and get nervous if I have to talk to people. I worry I'm not living my best life. Thirty years gone so fast. I'll be alone and old soon. Sometimes, I wish there was someone to drop in on for a coffee and a chat. A confidant. But I feel vulnerable now, I'm too desperate. I will over-share and be exposed. Many find the internet isolating, but I find it liberating. I enjoy expressing myself in writing, and email is much preferred to meeting people. No Skype though. And I read others' messages when ready. Thanks for reading.

I still have this today. For me though when I go quiet I am within working things out in a better place. Fear usually triggers it

When I was three I developed mutism where I wouldnt talk with anyone. I would only bark or meow. I even sometimes "walked" on all four, like a dog or cat. My parents took me to a therapist of some kind, but likely gave up.... when they found out years later about one of my brothers abusing me sexually they had him go to a therapist as well, but gave up on that because he wouldn't speak to the counselor. There was rampant abuse in my family. A literally psychotic mother who abused us verbally and physically, and all three males in the immediate family were abusive sexually, and then the grandfather's and uncles and priests and doctors and pediatric dentists.... Really it's a wonder I at some point began speaking again and managed to function at all as an adult. That one brother did not. He basically became a nonfunctional hermit, never had a girlfriend, babysat and abused children until he was found out, had no friends, couldn't hold a job. He lived alone supported by my parents and died at 28 years old of cancer.

Sad but true. When abuse is going on the majority of people do not do anything. Thank you very much for the great video.

I had this when I was a little girl in Mennonite school. Terrifying times. I never heard anyone talk about it before